After I posted my last blog post, I went to read other blogs and immediately got reminded how much more difficult challenges others are facing. My prayers are with all of you.
And today, of course, is another such reminder. I've never had to go to war (though some might argue my childhood WAS a war zone, it's still not the same thing). I haven't lost a family member to war either. I've been lucky that way.
Today I want to take a moment to salute those who have gone to war—both those who died and those who came back changed because of what they saw and did and what happened to them.
My generation was the last to face the draft. It's hard for me to imagine the courage it took to go to war when there was a draft and the courage to choose to go when one doesn't have to go—as young men and women are doing every day now.
It was good for me to be reminded how lucky I am and that however huge changes may feel to me, there are others dealing with much more difficult issues right now. That doesn't mean our own issues don't matter—because they do—only that it's good to stop and realize the ways we are fortunate and to honor the courage others show in coping with the challenges in their lives.
Today we honor those who have had the courage to be in the military and do what they can to keep us all safe. And to pray that soon this world finds a way to exist in peace so that no more men and women--of any nation--have to go to war. That we find a way to resolve disputes without fighting.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Changes
I was going to write a “Valuing Self pt. 3” and talk about how it matters that we value ourselves because it's in the moments we fear we aren't good enough and/or we will be rejected/abandoned that we are most likely to do or say things that hurt ourselves and/or others. That's what I was going to write about. But...
But this week I heard that my son with Down syndrome may soon be placed in housing. And that's a good thing, I think. But...it's churned up all sorts of emotions for me.
Will the housing be good enough?
Will my son be able to adjust?
Will he be happy there?
It also means a lot of other changes. My ex-husband will almost certainly sell the house where my kids grew up. My links with the state where I lived for over 20 years are disappearing.
Odds are that my ex-husband will marry since it's our son who his girlfriend didn't want to deal with.
There won't be many more times I go and stay in the house with my son (while my ex-husband is elsewhere).
I know. In the grand scheme of things, none of this is terrible. None of this is unexpected. None of this is even, necessarily a bad thing.
But all of this adds up to profound emotional upheaval for me.
Let me be clear: I don't begrudge my ex-husband happiness. I'm glad that maybe my son is moving to a new level of independence. I hope a new setting will help him grow. All of this could be good.
It's just a profound emotional upheaval for me.
But this week I heard that my son with Down syndrome may soon be placed in housing. And that's a good thing, I think. But...it's churned up all sorts of emotions for me.
Will the housing be good enough?
Will my son be able to adjust?
Will he be happy there?
It also means a lot of other changes. My ex-husband will almost certainly sell the house where my kids grew up. My links with the state where I lived for over 20 years are disappearing.
Odds are that my ex-husband will marry since it's our son who his girlfriend didn't want to deal with.
There won't be many more times I go and stay in the house with my son (while my ex-husband is elsewhere).
I know. In the grand scheme of things, none of this is terrible. None of this is unexpected. None of this is even, necessarily a bad thing.
But all of this adds up to profound emotional upheaval for me.
Let me be clear: I don't begrudge my ex-husband happiness. I'm glad that maybe my son is moving to a new level of independence. I hope a new setting will help him grow. All of this could be good.
It's just a profound emotional upheaval for me.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Valuing Self, pt. 2
Everyone wants to be loved and accepted for who they are—just as they are. And everyone is afraid they won't be. That's true whether someone has abuse in their background or not. It's true for apparently successful people just as it's clearly true for those just scraping by.
And yet we have this tendency to berate ourselves for needing and wanting validation—as if it wasn't part of the human condition and something everyone needs! Babies who are not loved enough literally die—it's called failure to thrive.
So why are we so reluctant to accept this part of ourselves?
Well, first a lot of kids, even those not in classically defined abusive homes, often get the message that they shouldn't be so needy, shouldn't cling to their mothers (or fathers) so much. The message may be explicit or implicit (in the body language, voice, or facial expressions of adults around them). But that speaks to the fatigue adults so often feel—not to the very human need we all have to connect with others!
As adults, if we feel needy, we may act in ways that we HOPE will elicit validation from others. The problem is that it rarely works and often means we push away the very people we hoped would stay connected to us and provide us with validation.
If we're lucky, we're able to explicitly say to someone important to us: Hey, look, I know it's silly, but it really helps if you TELL me that you care and that you believe in me. Or...it really helps if you SHOW ME that you care and believe in me. (The tricky part is that often the other person tries to show us by doing what would make them feel validated and cared about and that does not necessarily match what actually works for us.)
Now the other person may not do what we ask. If they are abusive they will use it against us and that's a good sign to get out! Or it may be a request that seems to that other person inappropriate—or more than they have the energy to do. But simply by asking we are validating ourselves. We are saying we matter. And we begin to discover what we can and can't ask for—the boundaries of the relationships around us.
Ultimately, we're best off if we can give ourselves the validation we need and then connect in other ways to those we care about. And this is, in a sense, the goal of therapy—that we reach the point where we believe in ourselves enough to provide all the validation we need. But how do we do that?
This is one reason I believe so strongly in doing things like making lists of what we like about ourselves and reasons we might have to believe we can accomplish what we want to accomplish. This is why I believe in building on small successes to create bigger ones and celebrating what we do.
If we begin by looking at our (perceived) flaws, we may never get beyond that point! We will feel like failures to ourselves. On the other hand, if we begin with what we LIKE about ourselves and our STRENGTHS, then we have something to build on. The more we love and accept ourselves, the more we discover about who we are AND WHO WE CAN BECOME.
I wish I'd been able to say to a person in my life a few years ago: Look, I know it's silly but it would really help just to have you actually say these words, every so often: “I believe in you and you're doing fine.” Then I probably wouldn't bug you with so much email, hoping what I write will (without me having to explicitly ask) get you to say it.
I wish with another person I'd been able to say: What's really going on?
I wish with my ex-husband I'd been able to truly be myself—rather than trying to be who I thought he wanted me to be. My marriage probably would have ended sooner but I'd have had more of my self-respect intact when I left.
But we can't change the past. What we can do is look at where we are now and if we are not valuing ourselves—ALL of who we are—we can practice, even if it's for short moments at a time, accepting who we are. We can look at the things we like about ourselves and past successes and begin from the point of who we are and what will make our lives better and happier. And instead of calling ourselves idiots or weaklings (or whatever else our favorite chastisements may be), we can practice reminding ourselves that we are strong and resilient and creative and capable and survivors.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
And yet we have this tendency to berate ourselves for needing and wanting validation—as if it wasn't part of the human condition and something everyone needs! Babies who are not loved enough literally die—it's called failure to thrive.
So why are we so reluctant to accept this part of ourselves?
Well, first a lot of kids, even those not in classically defined abusive homes, often get the message that they shouldn't be so needy, shouldn't cling to their mothers (or fathers) so much. The message may be explicit or implicit (in the body language, voice, or facial expressions of adults around them). But that speaks to the fatigue adults so often feel—not to the very human need we all have to connect with others!
As adults, if we feel needy, we may act in ways that we HOPE will elicit validation from others. The problem is that it rarely works and often means we push away the very people we hoped would stay connected to us and provide us with validation.
If we're lucky, we're able to explicitly say to someone important to us: Hey, look, I know it's silly, but it really helps if you TELL me that you care and that you believe in me. Or...it really helps if you SHOW ME that you care and believe in me. (The tricky part is that often the other person tries to show us by doing what would make them feel validated and cared about and that does not necessarily match what actually works for us.)
Now the other person may not do what we ask. If they are abusive they will use it against us and that's a good sign to get out! Or it may be a request that seems to that other person inappropriate—or more than they have the energy to do. But simply by asking we are validating ourselves. We are saying we matter. And we begin to discover what we can and can't ask for—the boundaries of the relationships around us.
Ultimately, we're best off if we can give ourselves the validation we need and then connect in other ways to those we care about. And this is, in a sense, the goal of therapy—that we reach the point where we believe in ourselves enough to provide all the validation we need. But how do we do that?
This is one reason I believe so strongly in doing things like making lists of what we like about ourselves and reasons we might have to believe we can accomplish what we want to accomplish. This is why I believe in building on small successes to create bigger ones and celebrating what we do.
If we begin by looking at our (perceived) flaws, we may never get beyond that point! We will feel like failures to ourselves. On the other hand, if we begin with what we LIKE about ourselves and our STRENGTHS, then we have something to build on. The more we love and accept ourselves, the more we discover about who we are AND WHO WE CAN BECOME.
I wish I'd been able to say to a person in my life a few years ago: Look, I know it's silly but it would really help just to have you actually say these words, every so often: “I believe in you and you're doing fine.” Then I probably wouldn't bug you with so much email, hoping what I write will (without me having to explicitly ask) get you to say it.
I wish with another person I'd been able to say: What's really going on?
I wish with my ex-husband I'd been able to truly be myself—rather than trying to be who I thought he wanted me to be. My marriage probably would have ended sooner but I'd have had more of my self-respect intact when I left.
But we can't change the past. What we can do is look at where we are now and if we are not valuing ourselves—ALL of who we are—we can practice, even if it's for short moments at a time, accepting who we are. We can look at the things we like about ourselves and past successes and begin from the point of who we are and what will make our lives better and happier. And instead of calling ourselves idiots or weaklings (or whatever else our favorite chastisements may be), we can practice reminding ourselves that we are strong and resilient and creative and capable and survivors.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Friday, May 09, 2008
Valuing Self
Everyone has different aspects to their personality. It just tends to be more extreme for victims of abuse. Some abuse victims become multiple personalities, others of us just...compartmentalize.
I was thinking about this after watching the movie: The Three Faces of Eve (which my mother made me watch growing up—perhaps because she “lost time” a lot when she was in college). (If you're MPD you probably don't want to watch it. Even as a kid, I was appalled at the idea that "success" might be getting rid of 2/3 of yourself!) But it got me thinking about times I've suppressed part of who I am. Did it as a kid to survive, of course, but I was also thinking how to get through my divorce, I had to in a sense suppress the part of me that liked being married/in a relationship. And at another point after that, something happened and I suppressed the kid part of me that had needed to cling to the other person involved.
See the thing is, there's always a cost when we suppress parts of ourselves. That needy kid part is also the part of me that can love unabashedly and is able to reach out to other people without fear of getting hurt. That part of me that liked being married...well....it's tough to move forward and even consider another relationship if one is suppressing that part of oneself.
And I realized the hurt that happened when I suppressed the needy kid wasn't so much because the other person's words or actions were so damaging. I doubt he even had any idea there was this needy a kid inside me. No, the real damage happened because my reaction was to suppress that needy little kid. If I'd reacted by soothing and valuing that part of me, I doubt the experience would have been so distressing. If I'd been able to soothe and value that part of me beforehand, the fiasco might never have occurred and/or I might have been able to continue to reach out to others as easily as before. Mind you, I couldn't see it that way at the time. At the time, I blamed that part of me for precipitating a crisis that hurt not only me but the other person as well.
But I see now what a mistake it was to try to suppress that little kid inside after that fiasco. Just as I see that rather than suppressing that side of myself that liked being married/in a relationship, I'd have been better off cherishing that part of me and focused instead on why a different relationship could be better.
The goal is always, it seems to me, to value and integrate all the aspects of oneself so that they all work together. Victims of abuse or not, we are not served by bashing any part of ourselves. We are best served by accepting and nurturing who we are—rather than trying to shoehorn ourselves into someone's image of who we should be—even our own images of who we “should” be. We are who we are and the more we accept ourselves, the easier it becomes to explore new possibilities—and perhaps grow in ways that enrich our lives and bring us greater happiness. Plus, the more we love and accept ourselves, the less likely we are to ever hurt anyone else.
I don't know if my mother was MPD or not. I do know she went to her grave desperately unhappy and hating herself. I feel profoundly grateful that my life has taken a different path and that I am able to be happy.
Here's hoping that each of you is able to love and cherish all of who you are. Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I was thinking about this after watching the movie: The Three Faces of Eve (which my mother made me watch growing up—perhaps because she “lost time” a lot when she was in college). (If you're MPD you probably don't want to watch it. Even as a kid, I was appalled at the idea that "success" might be getting rid of 2/3 of yourself!) But it got me thinking about times I've suppressed part of who I am. Did it as a kid to survive, of course, but I was also thinking how to get through my divorce, I had to in a sense suppress the part of me that liked being married/in a relationship. And at another point after that, something happened and I suppressed the kid part of me that had needed to cling to the other person involved.
See the thing is, there's always a cost when we suppress parts of ourselves. That needy kid part is also the part of me that can love unabashedly and is able to reach out to other people without fear of getting hurt. That part of me that liked being married...well....it's tough to move forward and even consider another relationship if one is suppressing that part of oneself.
And I realized the hurt that happened when I suppressed the needy kid wasn't so much because the other person's words or actions were so damaging. I doubt he even had any idea there was this needy a kid inside me. No, the real damage happened because my reaction was to suppress that needy little kid. If I'd reacted by soothing and valuing that part of me, I doubt the experience would have been so distressing. If I'd been able to soothe and value that part of me beforehand, the fiasco might never have occurred and/or I might have been able to continue to reach out to others as easily as before. Mind you, I couldn't see it that way at the time. At the time, I blamed that part of me for precipitating a crisis that hurt not only me but the other person as well.
But I see now what a mistake it was to try to suppress that little kid inside after that fiasco. Just as I see that rather than suppressing that side of myself that liked being married/in a relationship, I'd have been better off cherishing that part of me and focused instead on why a different relationship could be better.
The goal is always, it seems to me, to value and integrate all the aspects of oneself so that they all work together. Victims of abuse or not, we are not served by bashing any part of ourselves. We are best served by accepting and nurturing who we are—rather than trying to shoehorn ourselves into someone's image of who we should be—even our own images of who we “should” be. We are who we are and the more we accept ourselves, the easier it becomes to explore new possibilities—and perhaps grow in ways that enrich our lives and bring us greater happiness. Plus, the more we love and accept ourselves, the less likely we are to ever hurt anyone else.
I don't know if my mother was MPD or not. I do know she went to her grave desperately unhappy and hating herself. I feel profoundly grateful that my life has taken a different path and that I am able to be happy.
Here's hoping that each of you is able to love and cherish all of who you are. Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
6 Random Things
I was tagged by Jumping in Puddles to do another meme. According to her post the rules are:
Link to the person who tagged you
Post their rules on your blog
Write six random things about yourself
Tag six random people by linking to their blogs
Let each of the six know they've been tagged by leaving them a comment (on their blogs)
Let your tagger know when your entry is up
Hmmmm. Six random things about me? Well...
1) I like to play Nintendo Wii. Good exercise!
2) I like dark chocolate and rum raisin ice cream. Pity no one has ever combined the two...
3) I've lived in 7 states and visited over a dozen countries.
4) Growing up, I wanted to be like Spock because while he obviously had emotions, he didn't let them control him.
5) I have two small tabletop fountains in my house and love the sound of the water flowing.
6) I like country music—especially songs like: I hope you dance, Standing in the fire, and anything sung by Martina McBride.
As before, rather than tagging anyone, I'm going to invite anyone who wants to play.
Off to let Jumping in Puddles know my post is up!
Link to the person who tagged you
Post their rules on your blog
Write six random things about yourself
Tag six random people by linking to their blogs
Let each of the six know they've been tagged by leaving them a comment (on their blogs)
Let your tagger know when your entry is up
Hmmmm. Six random things about me? Well...
1) I like to play Nintendo Wii. Good exercise!
2) I like dark chocolate and rum raisin ice cream. Pity no one has ever combined the two...
3) I've lived in 7 states and visited over a dozen countries.
4) Growing up, I wanted to be like Spock because while he obviously had emotions, he didn't let them control him.
5) I have two small tabletop fountains in my house and love the sound of the water flowing.
6) I like country music—especially songs like: I hope you dance, Standing in the fire, and anything sung by Martina McBride.
As before, rather than tagging anyone, I'm going to invite anyone who wants to play.
Off to let Jumping in Puddles know my post is up!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
6 WORD MEMOIR
I've been tagged by Beautiful Dreamer. The challenge is to:
1)Write your own six word memoir
2) Post it on your blog; include a visual illustration if you’d like
3) Link to the person that tagged you in your post, and to the original post if possible
4) Tag at least five more blogs with links
5) Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!
I've got the link to Beautiful Dreamer's site above. I tried tracking back to the original post but somehow got lost or hit a dead end doing so.
I think I'm going to skip tagging people. I'm not really comfortable with that. Instead I'm going to invite anyone so inclined to join in.
But what's my 6 word memoir: VICTIM TO THRIVER, INTELLIGENT RESILIENT WRITER
It was interesting trying to choose just six words to describe my journey. I chose these because it's where I began and where I am now (victim/thriver) and the internal resources that let me get to this point.
1)Write your own six word memoir
2) Post it on your blog; include a visual illustration if you’d like
3) Link to the person that tagged you in your post, and to the original post if possible
4) Tag at least five more blogs with links
5) Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!
I've got the link to Beautiful Dreamer's site above. I tried tracking back to the original post but somehow got lost or hit a dead end doing so.
I think I'm going to skip tagging people. I'm not really comfortable with that. Instead I'm going to invite anyone so inclined to join in.
But what's my 6 word memoir: VICTIM TO THRIVER, INTELLIGENT RESILIENT WRITER
It was interesting trying to choose just six words to describe my journey. I chose these because it's where I began and where I am now (victim/thriver) and the internal resources that let me get to this point.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Expectations
I've been thinking about expectations—maybe because of my trip back east. Expectations trip us up all the time, don't they? We expect certain things of ourselves and other people and if they don't work out that way, often we get upset.
I've been working on allowing myself to have expectations FOR MYSELF but detaching from the results. In other words, I'm setting goals for who I want to be and what I want to do but accepting that things may not work out the way I intend—and that it's okay if they don't.
That does NOT mean I don't do my best to accomplish whatever it is I've got as an expectation! I most certainly do. But it means I don't get upset with myself if things take a different direction.
With my son, I know what I wish for him. I know the hopes and dreams and fears I hold when it comes to his future. The challenge is to offer guidance when he will let me and at the same time acceptance of who he is, as he is. The challenge is to focus on what's good about him and what I love and build on that rather than focusing on the difficulties.
It seems to me I knew this when he was little. I fought for staff in programs he was in to see him as an individual and not a diagnosis and to build on his strengths, not just focus on areas where he was behind his peers in development. I know it consciously about myself as well, it's just that emotions don't always match the knowledge!
But think what the world would be like if we could all focus on what's right and good in the people around us. Think what the world would be like if we all reached out with love and encouragement to our children and ourselves. Think how different our lives would be if our parents had been able to do that with us!
So I'm thinking about expectations this week. How about you?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist
I've been working on allowing myself to have expectations FOR MYSELF but detaching from the results. In other words, I'm setting goals for who I want to be and what I want to do but accepting that things may not work out the way I intend—and that it's okay if they don't.
That does NOT mean I don't do my best to accomplish whatever it is I've got as an expectation! I most certainly do. But it means I don't get upset with myself if things take a different direction.
With my son, I know what I wish for him. I know the hopes and dreams and fears I hold when it comes to his future. The challenge is to offer guidance when he will let me and at the same time acceptance of who he is, as he is. The challenge is to focus on what's good about him and what I love and build on that rather than focusing on the difficulties.
It seems to me I knew this when he was little. I fought for staff in programs he was in to see him as an individual and not a diagnosis and to build on his strengths, not just focus on areas where he was behind his peers in development. I know it consciously about myself as well, it's just that emotions don't always match the knowledge!
But think what the world would be like if we could all focus on what's right and good in the people around us. Think what the world would be like if we all reached out with love and encouragement to our children and ourselves. Think how different our lives would be if our parents had been able to do that with us!
So I'm thinking about expectations this week. How about you?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Focus pt. 2
Shall I tell you about the ambulance called to my son’s program and how he wouldn’t go in it? Or about my ex-husband’s call to me as I was in the shuttle and on my way to the airport to come home?
Shall I tell you how it always takes me a few days to recover my sense of balance after one of these visits?
It would be easy to focus on the chaos. It would be easy to let myself be sucked into the drama—and try to pass it on to you by relating everything that went wrong. But...
But if I did that, I would miss out on telling you that in many ways it was a very good visit with my son. In spite of his Down syndrome, we connected better than we have in a while. And my ex-husband has finally managed to get him to go to bed by midnight—most nights anyway.
If I focused on the chaos, I might not remember to tell you my son is okay. (Well, he wasn’t having a heart attack, anyway. He did have some tests and we’ll have the results next week.)
If I focused on the chaos, I might believe that’s how life is instead of remembering how good my life is most of the time. I might forget that I no longer have to live in that chaos and be part of it. I might forget that instead of being a helpless person barely able to keep all the plates spinning in the air, I’m actually someone who is strong and capable and able to successfully help others.
It is difficult to go back into that chaotic situation and remember this was my life for so long. It is difficult, sometimes, to accept that both my son and my ex-husband are making choices to create and continue the chaos and that they have the right to do so.
I grieve every time I go there. I grieve for the hopes and dreams I used to have and for what might have been. And then I remind myself to celebrate what’s good and right about my situation AND theirs. It might not be what I want for myself, but it is what they are choosing for themselves.
It’s good to be home.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Shall I tell you how it always takes me a few days to recover my sense of balance after one of these visits?
It would be easy to focus on the chaos. It would be easy to let myself be sucked into the drama—and try to pass it on to you by relating everything that went wrong. But...
But if I did that, I would miss out on telling you that in many ways it was a very good visit with my son. In spite of his Down syndrome, we connected better than we have in a while. And my ex-husband has finally managed to get him to go to bed by midnight—most nights anyway.
If I focused on the chaos, I might not remember to tell you my son is okay. (Well, he wasn’t having a heart attack, anyway. He did have some tests and we’ll have the results next week.)
If I focused on the chaos, I might believe that’s how life is instead of remembering how good my life is most of the time. I might forget that I no longer have to live in that chaos and be part of it. I might forget that instead of being a helpless person barely able to keep all the plates spinning in the air, I’m actually someone who is strong and capable and able to successfully help others.
It is difficult to go back into that chaotic situation and remember this was my life for so long. It is difficult, sometimes, to accept that both my son and my ex-husband are making choices to create and continue the chaos and that they have the right to do so.
I grieve every time I go there. I grieve for the hopes and dreams I used to have and for what might have been. And then I remind myself to celebrate what’s good and right about my situation AND theirs. It might not be what I want for myself, but it is what they are choosing for themselves.
It’s good to be home.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Focus
Just a quick post because I don’t have much time. I’m here with my son who is grown and has Down syndrome with major behavioral issues. I could tell you about the chaos here. I could tell you how glad I am I didn’t try to keep the house. I could tell you how every trip back here reaffirms how right my decision to leave was. I could tell you about the frustration of no time to see friends. But....
I’d rather tell you how changing my focus has changed my experience here.
Now when my ex-husband comes up with chaos and tries to draw me in, I simply smile and say, “No.” I might point out ways HE can handle things but I am able to refuse to jump in and handle them for him. I can remember the good that being married to him brought into my life as well as acknowledge what wasn’t right—without anger because I no longer feel as if my life and sense of self-worth are under his control.
Now, despite my worry about how my son’s behavior causes so many problems for him, I can let myself focus on how much I love him. Now I can set boundaries with him lovingly—rather than in frustration—and know that while some might not stick, others will and they have a better chance of doing so because I know he senses the difference in me.
I can let so much go knowing I am only here for a few days and then will be back in the home I love.
I am choosing to focus on what is right and good about my son and his situation and mine. The irony is that by doing so, I find myself thinking of solutions to things that had I focused on them directly would have seemed overwhelming.
I am not saying it’s easy. I doubt it will ever be easy to come here and see the situation with my son and know that I have no real answers to make things better. And yet, at the same time, there is a tiny seed of hope. If my experience of this visit can in some ways be so much better than the last, perhaps there will come a time when I see solutions I can’t right now.
There is power in choosing our focus. It alters US. We may find ourselves seeing alternatives or understanding situations and/or able to take action(s) we couldn’t before. Certainly it beats the heck out of focusing on being unhappy and feeling overwhelmed!
What situation might you be able to see through a new point of focus? And if you did, what new actions might you find yourself taking?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist.
I’d rather tell you how changing my focus has changed my experience here.
Now when my ex-husband comes up with chaos and tries to draw me in, I simply smile and say, “No.” I might point out ways HE can handle things but I am able to refuse to jump in and handle them for him. I can remember the good that being married to him brought into my life as well as acknowledge what wasn’t right—without anger because I no longer feel as if my life and sense of self-worth are under his control.
Now, despite my worry about how my son’s behavior causes so many problems for him, I can let myself focus on how much I love him. Now I can set boundaries with him lovingly—rather than in frustration—and know that while some might not stick, others will and they have a better chance of doing so because I know he senses the difference in me.
I can let so much go knowing I am only here for a few days and then will be back in the home I love.
I am choosing to focus on what is right and good about my son and his situation and mine. The irony is that by doing so, I find myself thinking of solutions to things that had I focused on them directly would have seemed overwhelming.
I am not saying it’s easy. I doubt it will ever be easy to come here and see the situation with my son and know that I have no real answers to make things better. And yet, at the same time, there is a tiny seed of hope. If my experience of this visit can in some ways be so much better than the last, perhaps there will come a time when I see solutions I can’t right now.
There is power in choosing our focus. It alters US. We may find ourselves seeing alternatives or understanding situations and/or able to take action(s) we couldn’t before. Certainly it beats the heck out of focusing on being unhappy and feeling overwhelmed!
What situation might you be able to see through a new point of focus? And if you did, what new actions might you find yourself taking?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Rebirthing Ourselves Pt. 2
So...let’s suppose we really do want to rebirth ourselves. What’s the fastest way to do that? In my experience, the fastest way to change is to CHOOSE TO WILLINGLY DO THAT WHICH SCARES ME THE MOST.
I am NOT talking about foolish risks! What I’m talking about is doing the things that I know would enrich my life if I could—or would—do them.
In my experience:
1) If I do what scares me and it turns out I can do it and nothing terrible happens, then no more of my energy needs to go into being afraid of that experience again. (Or at least a lot less—and each time it gets easier.)
2) If I do what scares me, my comfort zone expands.
3) If I do what scares me and I succeed (or at least survive), then it gives me evidence that perhaps I can successfully do other things that scare me and less of my energy goes into being afraid of those things.
4) If I do what scares me and it doesn’t work out the way I hoped, I have more information than I had before. I am still a step closer to being who I want to be and accomplishing what I wish to accomplish.
5) If I do what scares me, I begin to change my perception of myself as someone fragile or less competent than other people. I begin to feel less of an outsider and more like everyone else who can do those things that used to scare me. I begin to see myself as someone strong and competent and capable and courageous—rather than being immersed in that memory of how I was as a child when I felt so helpless and overwhelmed.
(Note: I have friends who crack up at the notion that I could ever perceive myself as helpless. Most people see me as very strong and competent and resourceful. And yet, the default emotional state can be the one from when I was that scared child and I have to stop and remind myself that’s where it comes from--and that it no longer applies.)
My point is that WILLINGLY CHOOSING TO DO WHAT SCARES US is a very powerful step we can take to rebirth ourselves and move forward in our lives. I have NEVER regretted doing what scared me but I have often regretted the times I didn’t step up to a challenge that could have enriched my life.
What might you willingly choose to do that scares you? How could your life be better if you did?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
PS Speaking of feeling overwhelmed... I will be going back east this weekend to spend a couple of days with my grown son who has Down syndrome and behavioral issues. I will be, as always, trying to bring order and calm into chaos and that often feels overwhelming. So please keep my son (and me) in your thoughts this coming weekend as I try to find a way to reach him.
I am NOT talking about foolish risks! What I’m talking about is doing the things that I know would enrich my life if I could—or would—do them.
In my experience:
1) If I do what scares me and it turns out I can do it and nothing terrible happens, then no more of my energy needs to go into being afraid of that experience again. (Or at least a lot less—and each time it gets easier.)
2) If I do what scares me, my comfort zone expands.
3) If I do what scares me and I succeed (or at least survive), then it gives me evidence that perhaps I can successfully do other things that scare me and less of my energy goes into being afraid of those things.
4) If I do what scares me and it doesn’t work out the way I hoped, I have more information than I had before. I am still a step closer to being who I want to be and accomplishing what I wish to accomplish.
5) If I do what scares me, I begin to change my perception of myself as someone fragile or less competent than other people. I begin to feel less of an outsider and more like everyone else who can do those things that used to scare me. I begin to see myself as someone strong and competent and capable and courageous—rather than being immersed in that memory of how I was as a child when I felt so helpless and overwhelmed.
(Note: I have friends who crack up at the notion that I could ever perceive myself as helpless. Most people see me as very strong and competent and resourceful. And yet, the default emotional state can be the one from when I was that scared child and I have to stop and remind myself that’s where it comes from--and that it no longer applies.)
My point is that WILLINGLY CHOOSING TO DO WHAT SCARES US is a very powerful step we can take to rebirth ourselves and move forward in our lives. I have NEVER regretted doing what scared me but I have often regretted the times I didn’t step up to a challenge that could have enriched my life.
What might you willingly choose to do that scares you? How could your life be better if you did?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
PS Speaking of feeling overwhelmed... I will be going back east this weekend to spend a couple of days with my grown son who has Down syndrome and behavioral issues. I will be, as always, trying to bring order and calm into chaos and that often feels overwhelming. So please keep my son (and me) in your thoughts this coming weekend as I try to find a way to reach him.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Rebirthing Ourselves
Rebirthing ourselves over and over again is a natural and powerful step to take all through our lives. (This time of year tends to bring it to mind for me.) By that I mean stopping to think about where we are, how we got here, and whether changing any of our assumptions about our lives and ourselves might be worthwhile.
We make assumptions every day about how things are and who we are. Often those assumptions are things we were taught by our families or society and often we outgrow them or discover they were never true in the first place—IF we stop to challenge them.
It’s so easy to go through life never questioning our assumptions but we do so at a very high price—cutting ourselves off from wonderful possibilities we might otherwise have. Some of our greatest inventions and achievements came from people who didn’t listen when they were told it couldn’t be done.
If we were abused as children, it’s especially important to question those assumptions. We were almost certainly lied to by our abusers and we probably told ourselves what we needed to believe in order to survive. But now, as adults, we can choose to rewrite those assumptions and toss any that don’t work for us or aren’t true.
How do we do that? Well, as children, we knew how to play make believe and ask: What if?
What if we did that with our lives now? What if we asked ourselves: Could we be wrong about the person we think has insulted us? What if they were saying thinking something entirely different than what we think we heard? What if (at least some) people WILL treat us with kindness and respect—NOW? What if that’s what we deserve? What if we aren’t stupid or crazy or shameful? What if we ARE deserving of love and success and happiness? What if...?
What if we could do that thing we were told we couldn’t do when we were children? What if we aren’t tone deaf or incapable of doing math or shouldn’t even think about picking up a hammer or wrench? What if we can be happy, successful, capable people?
What if we can find joy even on the most difficult of days? What if it’s okay to have fun as we move forward in our lives and take on new challenges?
What if we stop and ask ourselves: What assumptions do I want to challenge TODAY? What new possibilities do I want to bring into my life NOW--even if I didn't know I could have them before? How can I expand my expectations for what’s possible for me?
How about you? What ways could you enrich your life by asking: What if...?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
We make assumptions every day about how things are and who we are. Often those assumptions are things we were taught by our families or society and often we outgrow them or discover they were never true in the first place—IF we stop to challenge them.
It’s so easy to go through life never questioning our assumptions but we do so at a very high price—cutting ourselves off from wonderful possibilities we might otherwise have. Some of our greatest inventions and achievements came from people who didn’t listen when they were told it couldn’t be done.
If we were abused as children, it’s especially important to question those assumptions. We were almost certainly lied to by our abusers and we probably told ourselves what we needed to believe in order to survive. But now, as adults, we can choose to rewrite those assumptions and toss any that don’t work for us or aren’t true.
How do we do that? Well, as children, we knew how to play make believe and ask: What if?
What if we did that with our lives now? What if we asked ourselves: Could we be wrong about the person we think has insulted us? What if they were saying thinking something entirely different than what we think we heard? What if (at least some) people WILL treat us with kindness and respect—NOW? What if that’s what we deserve? What if we aren’t stupid or crazy or shameful? What if we ARE deserving of love and success and happiness? What if...?
What if we could do that thing we were told we couldn’t do when we were children? What if we aren’t tone deaf or incapable of doing math or shouldn’t even think about picking up a hammer or wrench? What if we can be happy, successful, capable people?
What if we can find joy even on the most difficult of days? What if it’s okay to have fun as we move forward in our lives and take on new challenges?
What if we stop and ask ourselves: What assumptions do I want to challenge TODAY? What new possibilities do I want to bring into my life NOW--even if I didn't know I could have them before? How can I expand my expectations for what’s possible for me?
How about you? What ways could you enrich your life by asking: What if...?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Mistake Central This Week
I know I’m really late posting. It’s been a busy week for me out there in my other world. The interesting thing is that I’m continuing to be able to treat myself as kindly as I would a guest in my house. And the universe has been testing me. I swear I have made more foolish blunders in the past week or so than I normally would over a few months! And I’ve been able to remember to lighten up, laugh about it, and know that it’s okay. I’ve been able to see that nothing terrible will happen, I’m not an idiot, and that what I want to do is focus on what’s going right in my life.
Now this may not seem like much to you, but I’m one of those people who grew up having it drilled into my head that I should never make mistakes and horrible things would happen if I did. I’m one of those people who used to be mortified if anyone else realized I’d made a mistake. (Like it’s actually possible to never make mistakes. Sheesh, the things we let ourselves believe!)
Over the past week or so, quite a few times I’ve had to publicly acknowledge mistakes—or have lots of people see me make them. And the funny thing is that I’m okay with it. I really am. Which is a weird feeling—but I like it.
That doesn’t mean I want to be careless or make lots of mistakes, only that I really like being able to accept myself as imperfect and human—and still okay.
Here’s hoping that no matter how imperfect your week has been or how many mistakes you might have made, you still appreciate the wonderful person you are!
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_Optimist
Oh, and there’s a new Carnival Against Abuse with some powerful posts. The link is: http://enola-survivor.blogspot.com/2008/03/experience-re-birth-after-child-abuse.html
Now this may not seem like much to you, but I’m one of those people who grew up having it drilled into my head that I should never make mistakes and horrible things would happen if I did. I’m one of those people who used to be mortified if anyone else realized I’d made a mistake. (Like it’s actually possible to never make mistakes. Sheesh, the things we let ourselves believe!)
Over the past week or so, quite a few times I’ve had to publicly acknowledge mistakes—or have lots of people see me make them. And the funny thing is that I’m okay with it. I really am. Which is a weird feeling—but I like it.
That doesn’t mean I want to be careless or make lots of mistakes, only that I really like being able to accept myself as imperfect and human—and still okay.
Here’s hoping that no matter how imperfect your week has been or how many mistakes you might have made, you still appreciate the wonderful person you are!
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_Optimist
Oh, and there’s a new Carnival Against Abuse with some powerful posts. The link is: http://enola-survivor.blogspot.com/2008/03/experience-re-birth-after-child-abuse.html
Thursday, March 06, 2008
A Guest in My Own House pt 2
It’s been an interesting week. I’ve realized things like:
I’d never call a guest stupid or an idiot no matter what they did.
I’d add special touches such as garlic bread to a meal of veggie chili.
I’d offer to froth heated milk or soymilk and add a touch of cinnamon for a guest’s morning coffee.
If a guest was scared or worried about something, I’d do my best to reassure the guest he/she had the skills and courage to handle whatever the challenge might be. I might help the guest brainstorm possibilities and I’d never call the guest stupid or a coward.
I’d make sure the pillows were fluffy and the sheets soft and that the house was warm enough for my guest.
If my guest slept late, I’d assume he/she was tired and needed the sleep NOT that the guest was lazy or stupid for doing so.
I’d think about fun things my guest might like to do.
I’d encourage my guest to have fun.
I’d make sure there was nice hand soap in the bathroom and lots of towels.
I’d ask my guest what he/she wanted to read or watch on television or DVD—not decide based on what I thought my guest should read or see.
I’d listen if my guest needed to talk something out and I would encourage my guest to believe in him/herself and I'd never call my guest stupid.
Do you see a pattern here? I sure did! It’s interesting how often I caught myself slipping into old patterns and interesting how good it felt to begin to treat myself as if I were a guest in my own house. How about you? Are there any ways you would be nicer to a guest than you are to yourself?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I’d never call a guest stupid or an idiot no matter what they did.
I’d add special touches such as garlic bread to a meal of veggie chili.
I’d offer to froth heated milk or soymilk and add a touch of cinnamon for a guest’s morning coffee.
If a guest was scared or worried about something, I’d do my best to reassure the guest he/she had the skills and courage to handle whatever the challenge might be. I might help the guest brainstorm possibilities and I’d never call the guest stupid or a coward.
I’d make sure the pillows were fluffy and the sheets soft and that the house was warm enough for my guest.
If my guest slept late, I’d assume he/she was tired and needed the sleep NOT that the guest was lazy or stupid for doing so.
I’d think about fun things my guest might like to do.
I’d encourage my guest to have fun.
I’d make sure there was nice hand soap in the bathroom and lots of towels.
I’d ask my guest what he/she wanted to read or watch on television or DVD—not decide based on what I thought my guest should read or see.
I’d listen if my guest needed to talk something out and I would encourage my guest to believe in him/herself and I'd never call my guest stupid.
Do you see a pattern here? I sure did! It’s interesting how often I caught myself slipping into old patterns and interesting how good it felt to begin to treat myself as if I were a guest in my own house. How about you? Are there any ways you would be nicer to a guest than you are to yourself?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Friday, February 29, 2008
If I Were A Guest In My Own House
I had another epiphany yesterday: I would never treat a guest in my house the way I sometimes treat myself.
Think about it. For most of us, if we have a guest in our house—even if we don’t like them very much or know them very well—how do we treat that person? What would we automatically do for them? What ways would we try to make their lives pleasant while they were our guest?
(Note: You could substitute the word friend for guest. For me, the word guest works better.)
What if I treated myself the way I’d treat a guest?
So this week is an experiment. I’m going to try—every time I remember to do so—to treat myself as if I were a guest in my own house.
How about you? How would you treat yourself differently if you were a guest in YOUR house?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Think about it. For most of us, if we have a guest in our house—even if we don’t like them very much or know them very well—how do we treat that person? What would we automatically do for them? What ways would we try to make their lives pleasant while they were our guest?
(Note: You could substitute the word friend for guest. For me, the word guest works better.)
What if I treated myself the way I’d treat a guest?
So this week is an experiment. I’m going to try—every time I remember to do so—to treat myself as if I were a guest in my own house.
How about you? How would you treat yourself differently if you were a guest in YOUR house?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Monday, February 25, 2008
Changing How I See Myself
Sorry to be MIA for so long! It’s been a hectic. Good, for the most part but hectic.
And I’ve been looking at what changes I might want to make in my life. (Yes, I can’t help tinkering. As good as things are, I know they could be even better.)
One of the things I’ve been noticing is that I have tremendous empathy for others. Maybe it’s being a writer, but even when I’m in conflict with someone, I grasp their side of things and the ways in which they are hurting and I want to help. On the whole, I’m glad this is who I am.
The challenge, however, is that I rarely stop to ask myself what I want or to have empathy for my own fear or hurt.
Example: I can’t imagine being as impatient or verbally abusive with someone else who was learning to do something new or trying to do something that was difficult for them as I am with myself in those kinds of situations.
In any situation, I tend to focus on what I think I should have, do or be and rarely ask myself what I WANT.
Part of it, of course, is that I grew up in a family that said what I wanted didn’t matter. And part of it is that I grew up in a family with distorted ideas of what was right and wrong and I’ve spent most of my life wanting to make sure I became a far better person than that. And part of it, I suspect, is this cultural notion that we have to earn the right to be happy.
And yet....and yet I know that we become the best person we can be, discover the most creative solutions to problems, and are at our most resilient when we embrace joy in our lives.
I do that on a conscious level all the time. The challenge is to look at the unconscious times I treat myself as if the opposite were true. The challenge is to realize what I haven’t even noticed I’ve been doing to myself.
Which isn’t easy. It takes something external (usually) to get us to notice what we don’t notice. And of course our conditioning and natural impulse is to get angry that this external thing happened—missing the possible ways it’s a blessing in disguise.
My life is good. It’s getting better. I’m seeing new ways to do things, new ways to see myself. Sometimes that takes a lot of time and energy—as it has since my last post.
Here’s wishing for all of you ways to love yourselves more and bring more joy into your lives. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
And I’ve been looking at what changes I might want to make in my life. (Yes, I can’t help tinkering. As good as things are, I know they could be even better.)
One of the things I’ve been noticing is that I have tremendous empathy for others. Maybe it’s being a writer, but even when I’m in conflict with someone, I grasp their side of things and the ways in which they are hurting and I want to help. On the whole, I’m glad this is who I am.
The challenge, however, is that I rarely stop to ask myself what I want or to have empathy for my own fear or hurt.
Example: I can’t imagine being as impatient or verbally abusive with someone else who was learning to do something new or trying to do something that was difficult for them as I am with myself in those kinds of situations.
In any situation, I tend to focus on what I think I should have, do or be and rarely ask myself what I WANT.
Part of it, of course, is that I grew up in a family that said what I wanted didn’t matter. And part of it is that I grew up in a family with distorted ideas of what was right and wrong and I’ve spent most of my life wanting to make sure I became a far better person than that. And part of it, I suspect, is this cultural notion that we have to earn the right to be happy.
And yet....and yet I know that we become the best person we can be, discover the most creative solutions to problems, and are at our most resilient when we embrace joy in our lives.
I do that on a conscious level all the time. The challenge is to look at the unconscious times I treat myself as if the opposite were true. The challenge is to realize what I haven’t even noticed I’ve been doing to myself.
Which isn’t easy. It takes something external (usually) to get us to notice what we don’t notice. And of course our conditioning and natural impulse is to get angry that this external thing happened—missing the possible ways it’s a blessing in disguise.
My life is good. It’s getting better. I’m seeing new ways to do things, new ways to see myself. Sometimes that takes a lot of time and energy—as it has since my last post.
Here’s wishing for all of you ways to love yourselves more and bring more joy into your lives. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Growing Pains
It’s not easy growing—no matter what age we may be.
The past couple of weeks have given me essentially nonstop opportunities to grow. I say that with a wry smile.
Don’t get me wrong—I’m grateful for those opportunities! It’s just...growing isn’t always easy, hence the title of this blog post—growing pains.
I found myself coming up against fears I had about myself and how I interact with others, fears about matters that are important to me, and questions about what direction I want to take in certain areas of my life. And it was a profound gift because as I so often say: It’s the assumptions (and fears) we don’t even know we have that trip us up the most.
One of the easier opportunities to grow came with an exercise in a workshop I was taking. We were asked by Gary Simmons to think of an experience that left us unhappy. (He suggested a “light” memory.) He asked us to think about what happened and how we felt about it. Then he had us ask ourselves a very profound question: What inner resource, if we had had it, would have made the experience something we would not feel bad about?
That’s an exercise that’s still resonating with me today. It’s deceptively simple and profoundly powerful.
(Mind you, me being me, I couldn’t resist commenting that at the same time we recognize what it would have meant if we had had that inner resource, it’s equally important to be able to say to ourselves that it is understandable that we did not have—or perhaps even could not possibly have had—that inner resource available at the time.)
I repeat: It’s deceptively simple and profoundly powerful. It’s going to take me time to fully internalize, grasp (grok if you will) this concept. But already I begin to feel the change in me EVEN THOUGH in some ways it’s not that different from things I’ve said to people in the past about life experiences.
The interesting thing about the past few weeks is that through all of it, the actual experiences were positive. Every difficulty arose out of my own fears, my own self-doubts, my own mistaken beliefs and assumptions.
That’s also a very powerful lesson to learn. Because now I can combine those two powerful lessons. In any challenging situation, I now stop and ask myself: How would I handle this if I wasn’t afraid and if I had complete faith in my own self-worth?
The answers are illuminating and I find myself handling things in ways that are different—and far more effective!—than I would have if I hadn’t asked myself that question.
Every experience gives us the opportunity to learn. Every experience gives us the opportunity to move forward in some way and make our lives better and happier than they were before.
Here’s hoping you are each having your own epiphanies and discovering the questions that are most powerful for YOU to ask yourselves.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
The past couple of weeks have given me essentially nonstop opportunities to grow. I say that with a wry smile.
Don’t get me wrong—I’m grateful for those opportunities! It’s just...growing isn’t always easy, hence the title of this blog post—growing pains.
I found myself coming up against fears I had about myself and how I interact with others, fears about matters that are important to me, and questions about what direction I want to take in certain areas of my life. And it was a profound gift because as I so often say: It’s the assumptions (and fears) we don’t even know we have that trip us up the most.
One of the easier opportunities to grow came with an exercise in a workshop I was taking. We were asked by Gary Simmons to think of an experience that left us unhappy. (He suggested a “light” memory.) He asked us to think about what happened and how we felt about it. Then he had us ask ourselves a very profound question: What inner resource, if we had had it, would have made the experience something we would not feel bad about?
That’s an exercise that’s still resonating with me today. It’s deceptively simple and profoundly powerful.
(Mind you, me being me, I couldn’t resist commenting that at the same time we recognize what it would have meant if we had had that inner resource, it’s equally important to be able to say to ourselves that it is understandable that we did not have—or perhaps even could not possibly have had—that inner resource available at the time.)
I repeat: It’s deceptively simple and profoundly powerful. It’s going to take me time to fully internalize, grasp (grok if you will) this concept. But already I begin to feel the change in me EVEN THOUGH in some ways it’s not that different from things I’ve said to people in the past about life experiences.
The interesting thing about the past few weeks is that through all of it, the actual experiences were positive. Every difficulty arose out of my own fears, my own self-doubts, my own mistaken beliefs and assumptions.
That’s also a very powerful lesson to learn. Because now I can combine those two powerful lessons. In any challenging situation, I now stop and ask myself: How would I handle this if I wasn’t afraid and if I had complete faith in my own self-worth?
The answers are illuminating and I find myself handling things in ways that are different—and far more effective!—than I would have if I hadn’t asked myself that question.
Every experience gives us the opportunity to learn. Every experience gives us the opportunity to move forward in some way and make our lives better and happier than they were before.
Here’s hoping you are each having your own epiphanies and discovering the questions that are most powerful for YOU to ask yourselves.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Love
“I love you,
Not only for what you are
But for what I am
When I am with you.”
That’s how a poem by Roy Croft begins. And I love that poem because to me it has always represented the best of what love and good relationships can do for us.
When we are with the right person or group, we become better, healthier, kinder, and wiser than we would be alone. We see the best potential in each other—and help it to manifest. We encourage each other to do things that help us grow and are good—for us and for the world. We are a haven of safety for each other.
If we like who we are when we are with someone, that’s a good sign. If we come away ashamed or wishing we hadn’t said or done the things we did, that’s not such a good sign. Then it’s time to look at both the relationship AND the emotions and beliefs it generates in us.
If we didn’t like what happened because the other person encouraged us to do that which is in conflict with our deepest values then it’s time to a) run the other way and b) look at ourselves to see what within us would let us accept a relationship with someone like that.
If the other person acts in ways consistent with our highest values but we don’t like how we acted/reacted then it’s time to look within to see what fears were being triggered and what it tells us about our own sense of self-worth. This may or may not be a good person to continue to have in our lives.
The ideal is a person who acts in ways consistent with our highest values, who encourages us to do so as well, and who treats us with kindness and respect. These are the people to truly cherish for however long they choose to be part of our lives! Even if at some point they leave, they will have enriched our lives in ways we can never repay—except to hope that we were able to do the same for them for as long as we knew them.
Relationships don’t always last forever. Sometimes they end with love on both sides and sometimes they end badly. However they end, we can choose to remember what was good and be grateful for it. The challenge is to go forward trusting that others as wonderful as this person—or perhaps even better—will come into our lives again, though perhaps in a very different form.
I believe in love. I believe that even those of us hurt the most deeply have the capacity to love AND TO LEARN TO LOVE OURSELVES.
That’s the hard one, isn’t it—to love ourselves? Our culture seems to encourage us to believe that our self-worth comes from how others see us. The truth is that no one can love us enough if we don’t love ourselves first. No relationship will be enough if we don’t value who we are.
What if we all loved ourselves and KNEW we were worth loving? What if we all could easily tell anyone who asked what our strengths were and what we liked about ourselves? What if we could see that anything anyone said that was hurtful was a reflection only of the hurt or need within themselves—that even if we made mistakes we are not a mistake? What if we could know that we could be the very best we want to be—IF we find a way to love ourselves?
Each of us is worth loving. Each of us has the ability to choose how we will live our lives. Each of us deserves to surround ourselves with people we love not only for who they are but for who we are when we are with them.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist
Not only for what you are
But for what I am
When I am with you.”
That’s how a poem by Roy Croft begins. And I love that poem because to me it has always represented the best of what love and good relationships can do for us.
When we are with the right person or group, we become better, healthier, kinder, and wiser than we would be alone. We see the best potential in each other—and help it to manifest. We encourage each other to do things that help us grow and are good—for us and for the world. We are a haven of safety for each other.
If we like who we are when we are with someone, that’s a good sign. If we come away ashamed or wishing we hadn’t said or done the things we did, that’s not such a good sign. Then it’s time to look at both the relationship AND the emotions and beliefs it generates in us.
If we didn’t like what happened because the other person encouraged us to do that which is in conflict with our deepest values then it’s time to a) run the other way and b) look at ourselves to see what within us would let us accept a relationship with someone like that.
If the other person acts in ways consistent with our highest values but we don’t like how we acted/reacted then it’s time to look within to see what fears were being triggered and what it tells us about our own sense of self-worth. This may or may not be a good person to continue to have in our lives.
The ideal is a person who acts in ways consistent with our highest values, who encourages us to do so as well, and who treats us with kindness and respect. These are the people to truly cherish for however long they choose to be part of our lives! Even if at some point they leave, they will have enriched our lives in ways we can never repay—except to hope that we were able to do the same for them for as long as we knew them.
Relationships don’t always last forever. Sometimes they end with love on both sides and sometimes they end badly. However they end, we can choose to remember what was good and be grateful for it. The challenge is to go forward trusting that others as wonderful as this person—or perhaps even better—will come into our lives again, though perhaps in a very different form.
I believe in love. I believe that even those of us hurt the most deeply have the capacity to love AND TO LEARN TO LOVE OURSELVES.
That’s the hard one, isn’t it—to love ourselves? Our culture seems to encourage us to believe that our self-worth comes from how others see us. The truth is that no one can love us enough if we don’t love ourselves first. No relationship will be enough if we don’t value who we are.
What if we all loved ourselves and KNEW we were worth loving? What if we all could easily tell anyone who asked what our strengths were and what we liked about ourselves? What if we could see that anything anyone said that was hurtful was a reflection only of the hurt or need within themselves—that even if we made mistakes we are not a mistake? What if we could know that we could be the very best we want to be—IF we find a way to love ourselves?
Each of us is worth loving. Each of us has the ability to choose how we will live our lives. Each of us deserves to surround ourselves with people we love not only for who they are but for who we are when we are with them.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Quirky Meme
I’ve been tagged by both Jumping in Puddles and Rising Rainbow with a virus. It’s a meme that says I’m supposed to post 6 little known or secret or quirky things about myself and to link to the person who infected me (see above).
1) To get to sleep I sometimes have to keep telling myself: all is well, all is unfolding as it should
2) When I’m deep in writing a book, I NEED chocolate (dark) and coffee.
3) My arms are so long that even tall sizes don’t always fit—which is one reason I took up knitting and sewing.
4) When I’m nervous I talk very fast.
5) At times in my adult life I’ve: slept with stuffed animals and carried polished stones in my purse and I still often wear butterfly jewelry that to me signifies strength and hope and successful change.
6) Playing spider solitaire on the computer or do Suduko on paper often helps when I’m upset or stuck on how to handle a problem.
I know I’m supposed to tag 6 people but that’s outside my comfort zone so I’ll just invite everyone who wants to play—or just ask and I’ll “officially” tag you!
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
1) To get to sleep I sometimes have to keep telling myself: all is well, all is unfolding as it should
2) When I’m deep in writing a book, I NEED chocolate (dark) and coffee.
3) My arms are so long that even tall sizes don’t always fit—which is one reason I took up knitting and sewing.
4) When I’m nervous I talk very fast.
5) At times in my adult life I’ve: slept with stuffed animals and carried polished stones in my purse and I still often wear butterfly jewelry that to me signifies strength and hope and successful change.
6) Playing spider solitaire on the computer or do Suduko on paper often helps when I’m upset or stuck on how to handle a problem.
I know I’m supposed to tag 6 people but that’s outside my comfort zone so I’ll just invite everyone who wants to play—or just ask and I’ll “officially” tag you!
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Fear and Self-Sabotage
It’s been another busy week. Nothing quite as exciting as last week but a time when I’ve been...observing...my own reaction as I’ve dealt with things.
One of the things I found myself thinking about this week was fear—and what it costs us.
When I look back over my life, every act of self-sabotage happened because of fear. Even now, every time I’m afraid, I’m in danger of acting in ways that will create the circumstances of which I’m most afraid. (Example: If I’m afraid of going to the dentist, I may put it off until problems become serious and because I’m afraid, there will be more adrenaline in my system which will push out the Novocain faster so I am more likely to find the work painful.)(Example: If I’m afraid of being abandoned by someone, I’m likely to keep pressing for reassurance whereas if I can let go then I can just enjoy the relationship I have with that person and it’s more likely to work out in positive ways.)
The paradox is that the optimal strategy is to say to myself: Okay, I’m scared BUT AS AN EXPERIMENT I’m going to let go and trust that everything will all work out.
This isn’t how most of us were raised. This isn’t the strategy most of us developed to cope with abuse as a child. If I try to think too hard about it, I start wondering if I’m out of my freaking mind to think this could work. And yet....
And yet, by observation I know that it does work for me. I do have more time and energy for things I want to do. Things do tend to work out and I am far less likely to sabotage myself in any way. And even when the worst case scenario plays out, because I’m more relaxed I’m much more likely to think of things I wouldn’t if I was still scared.
It works, too, in dealing with friends and family members who tend to get caught up in their own personal dramas. (I used to get sucked in ALL the time!) Now, I step back, remind myself that the optimal strategy is to assume it will all work out and then I can be of most help because MY emotions aren’t caught up in the emotions. This means my brain is working more efficiently and I may be able to see clearly: a) options and (more importantly!) b) where my responsibility begins and ends. I can see that I don’t have to solve everyone’s problems and I can step back and let them solve their own—perhaps offering some suggestions but without any “investment” in whether the person uses my suggestions or not.
The good thing about this strategy is that I don’t have to put lots of time and energy into figuring out the “whys.” I don’t have to know why I’m afraid. I don’t have to know where that fear began. I don’t have to repress that fear. I can acknowledge it, honor it, and then let it go. I can keep moving forward with whatever I need to do.
Sometimes it’s good to just stop and observe how we act and react and consciously choose which strategies we want to keep and which we want to change. There’s power and comfort in knowing we have choices.
Wishing for all of you lots of empowering choices this week!
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
One of the things I found myself thinking about this week was fear—and what it costs us.
When I look back over my life, every act of self-sabotage happened because of fear. Even now, every time I’m afraid, I’m in danger of acting in ways that will create the circumstances of which I’m most afraid. (Example: If I’m afraid of going to the dentist, I may put it off until problems become serious and because I’m afraid, there will be more adrenaline in my system which will push out the Novocain faster so I am more likely to find the work painful.)(Example: If I’m afraid of being abandoned by someone, I’m likely to keep pressing for reassurance whereas if I can let go then I can just enjoy the relationship I have with that person and it’s more likely to work out in positive ways.)
The paradox is that the optimal strategy is to say to myself: Okay, I’m scared BUT AS AN EXPERIMENT I’m going to let go and trust that everything will all work out.
This isn’t how most of us were raised. This isn’t the strategy most of us developed to cope with abuse as a child. If I try to think too hard about it, I start wondering if I’m out of my freaking mind to think this could work. And yet....
And yet, by observation I know that it does work for me. I do have more time and energy for things I want to do. Things do tend to work out and I am far less likely to sabotage myself in any way. And even when the worst case scenario plays out, because I’m more relaxed I’m much more likely to think of things I wouldn’t if I was still scared.
It works, too, in dealing with friends and family members who tend to get caught up in their own personal dramas. (I used to get sucked in ALL the time!) Now, I step back, remind myself that the optimal strategy is to assume it will all work out and then I can be of most help because MY emotions aren’t caught up in the emotions. This means my brain is working more efficiently and I may be able to see clearly: a) options and (more importantly!) b) where my responsibility begins and ends. I can see that I don’t have to solve everyone’s problems and I can step back and let them solve their own—perhaps offering some suggestions but without any “investment” in whether the person uses my suggestions or not.
The good thing about this strategy is that I don’t have to put lots of time and energy into figuring out the “whys.” I don’t have to know why I’m afraid. I don’t have to know where that fear began. I don’t have to repress that fear. I can acknowledge it, honor it, and then let it go. I can keep moving forward with whatever I need to do.
Sometimes it’s good to just stop and observe how we act and react and consciously choose which strategies we want to keep and which we want to change. There’s power and comfort in knowing we have choices.
Wishing for all of you lots of empowering choices this week!
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Monday, January 28, 2008
Interesting Week
It’s been an...interesting....week. Yes, that’s the word...interesting.
There was the identity theft to deal with. A cancelled credit card, monitoring other accounts, alerting credit bureaus, calls to shut down a fraudulent account elsewhere, calls to get fraudulent charges off the legitimate account.
There was the phone call from my daughter (that woke me up one morning) to say she had hurt her neck and she couldn’t move. (And a day spent helping her and ruling out serious possibilities.)
There was the potential flame war in the online class I’m teaching that had to be put out as soon as it began.
Mind you, there were good things, too. And a choice about where to put my available focus. I say available focus because certain things had to be dealt with. But once they were, I had a choice. I could complain and fuss and keep focusing on how unfortunate these things were and how they were eating up my time OR I could choose to say to myself: Okay, I can handle each of these things. Everything will be okay. Now, what can I do that’s fun now that I have a spare moment?
There is value in running a quick mental check of what it’s useful to do in a given challenging situation. There is even value in considering problems that could arise out of these situations. And then taking steps to deal with the situation and possible future consequences.
There is no value in running scenarios over and over again in our heads and focusing on how horrible they make us feel. There is no value in constantly replaying them—except to notice how well we coped (when we did) and what we might do more effectively next time around.
There is no value in seeing ourselves as victims to whom bad things will continue to happen. There is great power in noting what our strengths were in the situation and building on them. There is even power in noting what was difficult for us and then obtaining information or skills so that next time we might be better prepared.
There is little value in trying to find someone to protect us forever and great value in learning the skills and acquiring the tools we need to protect ourselves.
This past week could have—and in the past might have—felt overwhelming and confirmed in me a sense of victimhood. Instead, it became something that reaffirmed my faith in myself and my ability to cope with life’s challenges.
The scare with my daughter became a chance to spend time together and grow closer.
The situation with identity theft, while not pleasant, ultimately will be a blip in the screen for this month—much less this year or my lifetime.
The potential flame war became a chance to draw the students closer together with a greater appreciation for themselves and what they had to offer each other.
We can’t control what happens to us. We CAN choose, however, how we will respond and where we will put our attention.
There is a certain emotional payoff in being a victim. There is a far greater payoff in seeing ourselves as strong, competent, evolving, resilient individuals.
AND EVERY PERSON READING THIS BLOG SHARES THOSE QUALITIES!
It takes a great deal of strength and courage and resilience to survive abuse. It takes even more to choose to face the past and our fears and shadows and work to heal. The more we see ourselves as having the qualities of strength and resilience and courage and competence, the more likely we are to succeed and the happier the lives will be that we create for ourselves.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
There was the identity theft to deal with. A cancelled credit card, monitoring other accounts, alerting credit bureaus, calls to shut down a fraudulent account elsewhere, calls to get fraudulent charges off the legitimate account.
There was the phone call from my daughter (that woke me up one morning) to say she had hurt her neck and she couldn’t move. (And a day spent helping her and ruling out serious possibilities.)
There was the potential flame war in the online class I’m teaching that had to be put out as soon as it began.
Mind you, there were good things, too. And a choice about where to put my available focus. I say available focus because certain things had to be dealt with. But once they were, I had a choice. I could complain and fuss and keep focusing on how unfortunate these things were and how they were eating up my time OR I could choose to say to myself: Okay, I can handle each of these things. Everything will be okay. Now, what can I do that’s fun now that I have a spare moment?
There is value in running a quick mental check of what it’s useful to do in a given challenging situation. There is even value in considering problems that could arise out of these situations. And then taking steps to deal with the situation and possible future consequences.
There is no value in running scenarios over and over again in our heads and focusing on how horrible they make us feel. There is no value in constantly replaying them—except to notice how well we coped (when we did) and what we might do more effectively next time around.
There is no value in seeing ourselves as victims to whom bad things will continue to happen. There is great power in noting what our strengths were in the situation and building on them. There is even power in noting what was difficult for us and then obtaining information or skills so that next time we might be better prepared.
There is little value in trying to find someone to protect us forever and great value in learning the skills and acquiring the tools we need to protect ourselves.
This past week could have—and in the past might have—felt overwhelming and confirmed in me a sense of victimhood. Instead, it became something that reaffirmed my faith in myself and my ability to cope with life’s challenges.
The scare with my daughter became a chance to spend time together and grow closer.
The situation with identity theft, while not pleasant, ultimately will be a blip in the screen for this month—much less this year or my lifetime.
The potential flame war became a chance to draw the students closer together with a greater appreciation for themselves and what they had to offer each other.
We can’t control what happens to us. We CAN choose, however, how we will respond and where we will put our attention.
There is a certain emotional payoff in being a victim. There is a far greater payoff in seeing ourselves as strong, competent, evolving, resilient individuals.
AND EVERY PERSON READING THIS BLOG SHARES THOSE QUALITIES!
It takes a great deal of strength and courage and resilience to survive abuse. It takes even more to choose to face the past and our fears and shadows and work to heal. The more we see ourselves as having the qualities of strength and resilience and courage and competence, the more likely we are to succeed and the happier the lives will be that we create for ourselves.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
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