Sunday, June 06, 2010

Thank You All

For most of my life, abuse has been at the core of who I am. First with the abuse itself, finding a way to get away from it, living with the effects, trying to sort out the past and let it go, being determined to make what happened matter, etc.

When I started this blog, I was at the stage of being determined to make what happened matter. I was going to post things that helped me in hopes that they would help others. There was a time when I was determined to get a book published about all of this, too. But....

Over the past few months I've felt less and less the need to post. I've felt as if, too, maybe my posts are not after all the profound wisdom I once hoped they would be. More important, I've felt less and less that the abuse is central to my life. I go days and weeks without thinking about it.

I am profoundly grateful for everyone who has ever read any of my posts. I am profoundly grateful for all the posts by others that I've read. I am profoundly grateful for everyone who has helped me along my healing journey. And I am profoundly sorry for harm or pain I've ever caused to anyone—through what I've ever said or done.

I've learned a great deal:

I've learned that I matter and that I like who I am.
I've learned to trust my own instincts.
I've learned that I really do know what's best for me.
I've learned how much connection to others matters.
I've learned to trust when I once would have thought that was impossible.
I've learned to live my life with joy and hope.
I've learned that it's okay to be happy.
I've learned to play—and how important that is.
I've learned to both value who I am and what I have to offer—and to humbly realize how wise others might be and to always expect they may have something to teach me.
I've learned to cherish the friendships I've made.
I've learned to honor boundaries.
I've learned how to set boundaries.
I've learned it's okay to make mistakes.
I've learned how to acknowledge my mistakes and the need to make things better if I can.
I've learned to see the best in others and to honor who they can be.
I've learned to have compassion for myself.
I've learned to count my blessings—often even when it's little things like a breeze or someone's smile.
I've learned to know who I am and to love that person just as I am as well as strive always to grow.

I couldn't have written all these things ten years ago or five or even a year ago. Not the way I write them now. I hope that gives hope to anyone struggling and wondering if things can ever get better.

I have been so blessed to have all of you part of my life—even if only through the internet. I am so blessed for the “real world” people who have been part of my life as well.

I won't be taking down my blog. I'll leave it here for anyone who might stumble across it and find comfort in anything I've ever posted. There's a part of me that says it's possible too that some day I'll change my mind and come back and post.

I didn't, however, want to just disappear. I owe all of you better that. So I came to write this final post. I hope you will celebrate with me this new stage of my life. I hope you can sense my joy that I am where I am. Know that you are all in my heart and prayers.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),


Anonymous said...

Thanks for your blog, it has helped me. May God bless you!

Patricia Singleton said...

April, you will continue to be an inspiration. I wish for you all the joy that your heart can hold. Have a glorious life. Thanks for saying good-bye.

Kahless said...

Thanks you for taking the time to post a goodbye. I understand your blog; I myself write much much less, as Real Life has overtaken me and my time and need to write is so much less.

God Bless you. I am wishing you all the best for your future. And thank-you for your time in cyber-land.


PS If anyone who reads my blog reads this, I am not leaving blogland, just being overtaken by RL at the mo.

Colleen said...

Thank you for visiting me and for saying goodbye. I wish you the best and I am so happy you are in such a great place in your life. Thank you for all the encouragement and support you have given me since I started blogging. Prayers and Hugs!

Peggy said...

Blessings April... I did not know you until today so I haven't followed your journey but saw a comment you left and felt led to visit. I'm so glad I did, though it's late cuz you're leaving... I have bookmarked your blog and since there's 4 yrs. of writing alot for me to catch up on but I just want to let you know that I'm glad you are leaving it "open". I believe that people will wander upon different posts and it will speak to them from where you were and where they may be...BRAVO! You have learned alot! I wish I knew you before now but thankful that you
are an optimist! This is such a blessing especially for a THRIVER!
Better to thrive not merely survive and I pray that you are blessed & continue to overcome & move forward! Perhaps it's better that it's not your focus and you are making healing choices! May God bless you!

therapydoc said...

So happy to hear a recovery story. You'll certainly be missed, and we all hope you keep writing. You've done so much good, taught more than you'll ever know, for sure. No, don't disappear, and all the best in everything you do.

jumpinginpuddles said...

youve touched our life immensley and for that we are grateful. We understand the need to move onto to new things and one day we too know that blogging wont be as integral as it has been, and slowly but surely you can see that. but like Kahless we arent ready just yet to say goodbye, but we appreciate all you have given us.

Marj aka Thriver said...

Well, I was wondering what you've been up to. You will be missed, my friend. I want you to know that yours was one of the first blogs I read that really gave me hope that true change and health were possible. Thank you for that. Thank you for your writing.

I hope life is good to you. Thank you for being you. ((((((((((April)))))))))) Hugs to you always! :)

Karma said...

I may model the thank you on my own blog, which I haven't been updating. I completely understand your need to stop keeping up with this blog.

Your posts and support have been very inspirational to me, and I wish you all the best.

Rising Rainbow said...

That's a great list you've compiled. I am glad that you're feeling so confident, so free.

You will be missed, my friend.

Anonymous said...

April -

Thank you for letting us know . . . we will miss your presence but I know it is because you are moving to a new place in your journey. I'm very happy for you!

I appreciate sharing your journey and your wisdom . . . and yes, your words do carry much wisdom.

- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)

Marj aka Thriver said...

Hey, April. I thought I had an e-mail for you, so maybe you won't get this message in time. But, I just realized that this month is the four-year anniversary of THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE and you were one of the very first participants.

If you could, would you give us one last post to put in the carnival? It would be a nice goodbye from that perspective. Your words have helped so many survivors. The deadline is midnight tonight (pacific time) but as I am hosting myself this month, you could get it in late with no problem. I will post the edition some time Friday afternoon. Thanks deary! :) *hugs*

Marj aka Thriver said...

Thanks so much for getting this in for the blog carnival which is now (finally Whew!) up at my blog.

Hey, I miss you already. Hope you are doing great! *hugs*

Enola said...

I feel in a very similar spot with my blog. I wish you the best. (hugs)

percheron Gray said...

Thank you for your blog. Survivors need to know we are not alone.

Invisible Woman said...

Sure do miss you!!

Maybe one day you'll feel like blogging again and we'll all rejoice!

In the meantime... don't be a stranger... ♥

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

..I'm just wandering the blogosphere and here I am at your blog.
..I enjoy the style of how this all works

*_* jampot *_*
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