tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-206778452024-03-13T09:27:04.697-07:00The Thriver's ToolboxA blog for survivors of abuse, trauma, and other serious life challenges. A blog of hope and tools for overcoming the past and creating a life that is happy and healthy NOW!
Here is my <a href="http://thriverstoolbox.blogspot.com/2008/06/survivors-manifesto.html">Survivor's Manifesto</a>.April_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.comBlogger247125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-27102575775837561182010-06-06T09:16:00.000-07:002010-06-06T09:19:46.628-07:00Thank You AllFor most of my life, abuse has been at the core of who I am. First with the abuse itself, finding a way to get away from it, living with the effects, trying to sort out the past and let it go, being determined to make what happened matter, etc.<br /><br />When I started this blog, I was at the stage of being determined to make what happened matter. I was going to post things that helped me in hopes that they would help others. There was a time when I was determined to get a book published about all of this, too. But....<br /><br />Over the past few months I've felt less and less the need to post. I've felt as if, too, maybe my posts are not after all the profound wisdom I once hoped they would be. More important, I've felt less and less that the abuse is central to my life. I go days and weeks without thinking about it.<br /><br />I am profoundly grateful for everyone who has ever read any of my posts. I am profoundly grateful for all the posts by others that I've read. I am profoundly grateful for everyone who has helped me along my healing journey. And I am profoundly sorry for harm or pain I've ever caused to anyone—through what I've ever said or done.<br /><br />I've learned a great deal:<br /><br />I've learned that I matter and that I like who I am.<br />I've learned to trust my own instincts.<br />I've learned that I really do know what's best for me.<br />I've learned how much connection to others matters.<br />I've learned to trust when I once would have thought that was impossible.<br />I've learned to live my life with joy and hope.<br />I've learned that it's okay to be happy.<br />I've learned to play—and how important that is.<br />I've learned to both value who I am and what I have to offer—and to humbly realize how wise others might be and to always expect they may have something to teach me.<br />I've learned to cherish the friendships I've made.<br />I've learned to honor boundaries.<br />I've learned how to set boundaries.<br />I've learned it's okay to make mistakes.<br />I've learned how to acknowledge my mistakes and the need to make things better if I can.<br />I've learned to see the best in others and to honor who they can be.<br />I've learned to have compassion for myself.<br />I've learned to count my blessings—often even when it's little things like a breeze or someone's smile.<br />I've learned to know who I am and to love that person just as I am as well as strive always to grow.<br /><br />I couldn't have written all these things ten years ago or five or even a year ago. Not the way I write them now. I hope that gives hope to anyone struggling and wondering if things can ever get better.<br /><br />I have been so blessed to have all of you part of my life—even if only through the internet. I am so blessed for the “real world” people who have been part of my life as well.<br /><br />I won't be taking down my blog. I'll leave it here for anyone who might stumble across it and find comfort in anything I've ever posted. There's a part of me that says it's possible too that some day I'll change my mind and come back and post.<br /><br />I didn't, however, want to just disappear. I owe all of you better that. So I came to write this final post. I hope you will celebrate with me this new stage of my life. I hope you can sense my joy that I am where I am. Know that you are all in my heart and prayers.<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-58187244241823213402010-04-12T12:18:00.001-07:002010-04-12T12:47:05.366-07:00Whoa! I hadn't realized how long it had been since I last posted. Chalk it up to my daughter coming to visit and working on details for a new online writing class. <br /><br />My daughter's visit was wonderful. She glowed as she dressed up to go out with the girls in a way she never had when she would go out to try to meet guys. She was happy in a way I can't remember seeing her in years. She spent a lot of time with friends as well as with me and I'm glad because the more reasons she has to visit here the better. I'm filled with pride when I look at her and think of the wonderful, compassionate, intelligent person she has become and the work she is doing that may help change medicine.<br /><br />I have also been feeling a sense of change in myself. Odd dreams of needing to escape people who I thought were already out of my life. Apparently I'm still giving them emotional--if not physical--space in my life and need to look at how to let go more completely. I need to find a way to both bless and release them and move forward in new directions. And I want to reclaim, I think, more of my genuine self--not the person I think I'm supposed to be but rather who I really am.<br /><br />As part of that, rather than doing long term coaching of fellow writers, I'm discovering that I seem to have a talent for helping writers find--in one session--the process and/or qualities to the material that will work best for them. <br /><br />I find myself thinking, too, how often people lay down dictums and say that to follow those dictums makes one superior and I'm realizing how often it's a way of staving off fear. The more people who do whatever it is, the easier it is to believe that it will convey some kind of protection and/or act as proof of the person's value or rightness. I'm choosing to let go of some of the dictums I grew up with or heard from others over the years.<br /><br />So...it's been a time of reflection and I realize one of my patterns is that in times of reflection I draw inward. Not because anything is wrong but because it gives me a chance to process and make choices without being influenced by others. Too much of my life, you see, I trusted everyone's opinions more than my own and I don't want that to be the case any more.<br /><br />Hope that all of you have been having productive and/or happy weeks since I last posted and had a chance to visit blogs.<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-8065272096481883192010-03-18T14:10:00.000-07:002010-03-18T14:17:56.159-07:00Thought PatternsFor much of my life I expected things to go wrong. It seems like I was afraid of everything. These days, I feel much different. Well, you knew that from my "identity"--April Optimist. I had a reminder of how important it is that we learn to choose how we look at situations.<br /><br />Right before I left for the east coast, I posted about frustration with my ex-husband and his relationship with my daughter. I refocused and asked myself what good could come out of it and spoke to both. Upshot? He made time for her and they talked about some very important things and she again has faith her father loves and accepts her. They have talked in ways they never did before.<br /><br />While I was on my trip, my laptop screen went dead. My first reaction? How terrible! How unfair! I mean, the thing is only around 2 years old! Then I refocused. Realized how lucky I was. It happened while I was staying with friends who had an external monitor I could use. It turned out my laptop is still under warranty--for a couple more weeks. It turned out I'd gotten on site service so they came to my house--when I got back home--to fix the laptop. I wasn't, at the moment, teaching an online class. In other words, I am very, very lucky.<br /><br />The thing is, I could have put my energy and emotions into anger and frustration in both cases. I could have seen myself as cursed. Instead, good things came out of both situations. Definitely a reminder to let myself believe things can go well for me, things can turn out okay, I can be lucky.<br /><br />It isn't always easy to stop and ask myself that key question: What good is there or could there be about this situation? Sometimes that's the last thing I feel like asking. But these two things were a powerful reminder of why that IS what I want to do.<br /><br />Here's hoping you're able to see good--or the potential for good--in the challenges in your life, too. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),<br />April_optimist<br /><br />PS I am soooo way behind on things between the trip and needing to get my laptop fixed. I'm going to try to visit blogs in the next couple of days.April_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-70826687516779001332010-03-10T07:09:00.000-08:002010-03-10T07:14:55.623-08:00FrustrationAs I pack to leave for the east coast, I am so frustrated I want to scream. <br /><br />My daughter called. Her dad--my ex-husband--is going to be in her town, on campus at the university where she goes to graduate school, for close to a week and HE IS NOT SURE HE CAN FIND TIME TO SEE HER!!!<br /><br />She is beyond hurt and I find myself wondering yet again if he has some form of autism that he just doesn't get it. Understand--he is not angry with her, does not disapprove of her in any way, he just doesn't see the need to get together with her. <br /><br />I can urge her to tell him how she feels and hope this will start a dialogue. I did email him suggesting he spend time with her out there--that I think it would be good for both of them and that even though she's grown up she needs to know he loves her and that she's important to her. But....ultimately he will make the choices he makes and she will feel what she feels.<br /><br />And I need to get back to packing....<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-46586329834023696052010-02-24T13:32:00.000-08:002010-02-24T13:33:24.968-08:00MarchWell, I'm heading back east again soon to see my son. And to stay with friends for the last time before they move to a whole new part of the country. (He lost his job, they have no savings, etc.) So it's going to be a bittersweet visit. No doubt I'll run into my ex-husband as well.<br /><br />The first thing I want to say is a plea to everyone to find some way to save money. Savings give you options you wouldn't otherwise have. And I know it's hard! It's even harder to have to walk away from a home you've loved for over 20 years because you suddenly lose your job and can't pay the mortgage and have zero money in the bank as back up until can you find a new job. My friends made the choices with their money that they emotionally needed to make at the time, but now it leaves them with very few options and my heart hurts for them. <br /><br />Oddly enough I'm more comfortable at the thought of seeing my ex again than I have been in previous visits—a direct result of setting those boundaries with him last month. I know that I can wish him well without being drawn back into chaos. I can speak from strength not fear.<br /><br />Seeing my son is always bittersweet. I've made choices that were best for him—given the full sum of the situations. And yet there are always regrets that things worked out as they did. Still, I know he's safe, I know he's finally having boundaries set that will help him grow, I know he's learning to be more independent in his group home. And when I ask—because I always do, in various oblique ways—his main complaint is that he must follow rules and I know in my heart that's a good thing. So I encourage him to explore this new phase of his life and encourage him to find new ways to grow and know that I love him.<br /><br />The unabashedly joyful news is that my daughter is choosing to come see me on her spring break and that we have a closeness now, a mutual respect, that was lacking for so long. It is wonderful to see the young woman she has become and to be able to share time with her. And that visit will be on the other side of my visit to see my son. March is going to be quite a month!<br /><br />Here's hoping all of you have reasons to look forward to March as well. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-17515451050469000922010-02-07T13:50:00.000-08:002010-02-07T14:05:49.619-08:00BoundariesIt is an interesting thing setting boundaries—especially with someone who doesn't like them. <br /><br />I realized, after my last post, that I was getting flashbacks not only to the sense of helplessness and inadequacy I so often felt when I was married, but that those emotions were actually echoes of what I felt as a child. I realized that was the origin of the fear of setting boundaries with my ex. Interacting with him was taking me back to my married days and even worse, to my childhood sense of helplessness and inability to handle life but NONE OF THAT IS WHO I AM NOW.<br /><br />Once I realized that, I could set aside the emotions, reminding myself that as a small child I WAS helpless and couldn't have managed on my own. Went through my list of reasons to believe in myself NOW. Asked myself what the disagreement with my ex was really about—and realized it was about boundaries. So that's how I handled the discussion with him. <br /><br />I simply set the boundaries that mattered to me—knowing full well the consequences and accepting them because the alternative would be worse. <br /><br />And so I took back part of myself. I moved from emotional flashback to the calm, competent adult I am. Without having to attack my ex to do so. I could be me, holding onto the values I have about how to treat others and at the same time not allow myself to get caught up in his plans<br /><br />The victory isn't just in handling the situation as I did, it's in realizing how rarely I feel this way—so thrown by things—these days. It was another step forward in my life getting better and better. And for the future, I have another set of tools for handling anything that might come up.<br /><br />Here's hoping you are moving forward and claiming your power, too. <br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),<br />April_OptimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-68323673951693803292010-01-23T11:15:00.000-08:002010-01-23T11:16:51.245-08:00Why Quiet So LongIt's been an interesting couple of weeks. My ex has come up with a plan for our Wills. Never mind that we're divorced and have been for several years. What is interesting to me is how this has brought up old feelings, old hopes and dreams, old...griefs....and of course old fears for me to process.<br /><br />I look at it as a blessing—a chance to recognize and let go of old beliefs and hopes that no longer apply or serve me well. It is a chance to see myself in a new way. It is a chance to let go of fears that are not valid—if they ever were. It is a chance to grow.<br /><br />I have not only been looking back but looking forward as well. How do I respond in love and still set the boundaries I choose to set? How do I embrace who I am and what I want—even if it is not what someone else might choose? How do I look beyond what I hope for to see what is—and choose what is real over what my emotions want to believe?<br /><br />As I said—it has been and is a chance to grow.<br /><br />I wish my ex well. I hope he is happy. At the same time, I do not want to get sucked into chaos and convoluted schemes. I want to move forward in my own life and embrace the happiness that is my reality NOW.<br /><br />I am taking my time processing all of this. I want to be sure I speak and act from my highest self—rather than the (sometimes) scared inner child. I want to be sure I am true to the person I want to be—all of who I want to be. That means someone who stands up for herself, sets boundaries, chooses wisely and speaks from a place of love even when saying things the other person does not want to hear. I choose to be someone who believes in herself. I choose to be someone who has faith in her ability to find solutions and evolve as life changes around me.<br /><br />At any rate, that's why I've been so quiet the past couple of weeks. I've been sorting out emotions and thoughts and making choices.<br /><br />I hope that you are finding ways to sidestep your fears and grow and make choices that support the person YOU choose to be.<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),<br /><br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-33230303043914439952010-01-06T13:25:00.000-08:002010-01-06T13:32:13.976-08:00New YearIt's a new year and a chance to look, as always, at what old patterns I want to let go and what new ideas/patterns/changes I want to embrace.<br /><br />Dealing with my ex-husband over the holidays, I realized I definitely want to let go of the last of the fear based thinking/reacting that still lingers in some of our interactions. <br /><br />Dealing with my daughter, I am so ready to embrace this new friendship and mutual respect between us. I adore the woman she has become!<br /><br />Dealing with my son, I'm ready to embrace his growing independence from me as he settles more and more into his group home.<br /><br />As for New Year's resolutions....my tendency is to want safety above all else. The most useful resolution, then, might be to do something new every week. It might be try a new way to cook something or a new place to go or a new way to interact with others or....? The key is just to try new things and thereby expand my comfort zone one a continuous basis.<br /><br />How about you? What changes are you making? Any resolutions to share?<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-22226365095896136712009-12-12T12:07:00.000-08:002009-12-12T12:20:40.454-08:00Tripping Over AssumptionsFor some reason, this time of year helps me trip over old assumptions. That's a good thing because then I have the chance to decide whether I still believe in them or not.<br /><br />Let me back up and explain that when I married, so many years ago, I chose a man with a strong moral compass. I knew I needed a compass very different from the one my birth family followed if I was going to become the good and honorable person I wanted to be. So I married such a man and adopted without question his moral compass. For the most part, that was a good thing, but there are days even now when I suddenly realize that I don't always have to do so.<br /><br />Example: I bought myself a bracelet this week in a jewelry store. Not super expensive and very, very pretty. And it was like an earthquake beneath my feet to do so. Why? Because my ex-husband and his family believed that if you had money for jewelry you should give it to others in need. It took until now for me to even notice the inconsistency--that there were lots of things it was okay to spend that much money (or more!) on, just not jewelry--and to realize that it was okay to spend money on something that would bring me so much joy. One more step, in other words, of claiming who I am. Not who someone else thinks I should be, but who I am.<br /><br />It is another step in realizing that I can trust myself to be a good and honorable person without having to blindly follow someone else's moral compass.<br /><br />I also found myself checking Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books out of the library this week and realizing the moment I began to read them that this was part of where my hope came from when I was a child. Back then, adults around me couldn't be trusted and none of the ones who could would listen to what I had to say. But in these books the kids (well, okay 18 year olds) were solving mysteries and defeating bad guys when adults had failed to do so. So all I had to do was hold on until I was that age and everything--maybe--would be okay. On many levels, a bunch of things suddenly made sense--including why the fact that someone was an adult didn't necessarily feel very reassuring to me.<br /><br />As I cook new things and create some homemade presents for friends, I'm discovering talents I'd believed I didn't have.<br /><br />Each holiday is a chance for me to "rewrite" what it means and fine tune or create new traditions that will serve ME well and bring ME joy.<br /><br />Here's hoping that each of you are discovering assumptions you can release and creating true moments of joy in your holidays. <br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-83438630594711976712009-11-26T14:47:00.000-08:002009-11-26T14:56:59.666-08:00ThanksgivingI love Thanksgiving. In part, it's because it was one of the few days of the year when I was allowed to eat as much as I wanted and didn't go hungry. It's also because I like the idea of noticing what I'm grateful for.<br /><br />One of the things I've learned on my journey is that it must begin with a core of belief in myself. That I can build upon. Then I can risk looking at what I don't like about myself or my life. This means that every time I stop to think about what I'm thankful for about myself, I gain strength and resilience to move forward even more.<br /><br />The last couple of weeks I have been looking at beliefs I didn't know I had. Teasing them to the surface is the challenge! I'm still not done. In a way I feel like I've been deep sea fishing--which goes along with the battening down the hatches analogy in my last post. And each time I sat down to do that, I began with what I like about myself and the strengths I have so that I could look at what I'm afraid of or don't like.<br /><br />Today I've been enjoying a peaceful and quiet Thanksgiving. It is a joy not to be in the middle of people screaming at each other and telling each other how flawed they are. It is a joy to be able to laugh and to curl up with my dog, to ponder what I love about my life and what could make it even better.<br /><br />I hope all of you are having a lovely Thanksgiving too.<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-21442393235798856832009-11-07T08:19:00.000-08:002009-11-07T08:21:59.571-08:00Battening Down the HatchesIt occurs to me that others might find it useful to know how I get ready to tackle difficult “stuff.” How do I batten down the hatches, so to speak? In no particular order....<br /><br />1) Stock the pantry and refrigerator with healthy food. No alcohol or sugary stuff. I want my body to be able to handle the stress and I know that what I eat (or don't!) will impact my emotions, too.<br /><br />2) Make a mental note to wear only clothes that make me feel good.<br /><br />3) Get into a pattern of daily exercise—preferably including time out in the sun.<br /><br />4) Pull out my list of things that make me happy/smile/laugh and make sure I'm doing/having at least 3 every day NO MATTER WHAT.<br /><br />5) Make a list of blessings in my life—how my life is good NOW.<br /><br />6) Make a list of what I like about myself—why I like who I am NOW.<br /><br />7) Make sure my support network is in place and that we'll laugh together, too.<br /><br />8) Make sure I know clearly why I matter, who needs me and why. Make sure I know why no matter what comes up, I have a reason to figure it out and keep moving forward—that letting go and/or hurting myself is not an option.<br /><br />9) Begin to tease at the edges of my emotions. Toss out possibilities of what it might be that I need to look at until I get a “bingo”--a sense of resonance that says: This is it!<br /><br />10) Imagine talking to the child I was and asking her what's going on—always reassuring her that NOW I am safe, NOW my life is good, NOW I have the wisdom and experience to process whatever it is that once terrified me so badly that I had to bury it like this.<br /><br />11) Remind myself that whatever surfaces it is not the event itself that matters but rather the messages I took in about myself and the world and people around me because of it.<br /><br />12) I will remember to laugh and count my blessings EVERY DAY as a reminder that NOW I am safe and NOW I am and can be happy.<br /><br />What do you do to “batten down the hatches” to protect and prepare yourself when you know you're about to look at something difficult?<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((hugs)))))),<br />April_OptimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-24258340515114270702009-11-01T13:00:00.000-08:002009-11-01T13:09:05.756-08:00More on DreamsWell, this post isn't exactly about dreams but it continues the conversation from the previous post.<br /><br />I'm pretty sure now that I'll be fictionalizing what I write. I'm pretty sure there's something left to process that I don't want to look at. I tell writing students that the past matters--whether in real life or with our characters--only to the extent that it is affecting the person's actions and reactions in the present. If it's not, leave it alone, it's not time to bring it up.<br /><br />But this is affecting me. My life is pretty good. I'm happy. I am light years from where I was just 5 years ago. But there is something I'm bumping up against that if I process it will allow me to move forward in a major way. If I knew what it was.<br /><br />I can make some guesses. Enough to be wary. I'm pretty sure I'll want to use a slightly different approach than when I processed things before. I know that I'll make a space for laughter and joy every day even when--maybe especially when--it's hard to do so.<br /><br />It's been a while since I had to process something new but I'll pull out my tool kit and experiment until I find just the right combination of skills that will let me heal this last (I hope!) remaining piece.<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-84053215746592939162009-10-24T16:19:00.000-07:002009-10-24T16:21:05.441-07:00DreamsI do not often worry about dreams. When I have one that's important, it's always transparently clear what I'm meant to look at. I do, take any necessary steps and then move on. Now, though....<br /><br />I've had dreams for several nights now telling me there's something still left to look at and that until I do, I'm trapped where I am. And those dreams are telling me clearly that I must write about my life.<br /><br />Now...first...this does not in any way negate the good things in my life NOW. It does not in any way detract from my current happiness. It does not mean anything other than that if I look at these new things, my life will get better.<br /><br />What is somewhat disturbing is that I had thought I had explored it all—and left it behind. And yet, I have known I am not yet where I would like to be with my life. This is what will allow me to get there.<br /><br />The “me” in my dreams was scared. When I tried to write my story in my dreams, it became gibberish because it was so scary to that self. And that me resisted doing any of this. Which is my subconscious “protecting” me. But the conscious me knows that no matter what it is, I have the skills and tools to cope. No matter what it is, this would not be surfacing unless I was ready to process it. That's how it's always been.<br /><br />Perhaps the best thing is that this may explain the writer's block I've had for some time. It may be that until I find a way to write my story—whether it's nonfiction or I fictionalize it—I can't get back to writing what I write best.<br /><br />It is, as always, an interesting journey.<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-4934717597558419082009-10-13T10:21:00.000-07:002009-10-13T10:28:56.239-07:00The OceanI was doing a visualization exercise last week when I had an epiphany.<br /><br />I was standing on the shore of the ocean and beside me was a native American shaman from a long time ago. He was stunned at the sight of the ocean and we spoke about how he could not comprehend the ocean until he saw it. And we talked about how what is to come in my life is the ocean I've never seen. I can't know what it is or comprehend it until it IS part of my life.<br /><br />This is a very powerful image for me. Looking back, I know that over and over I have discovered oceans in my life in the sense that he was discovering what an ocean was.<br /><br />I could not comprehend believing in myself until I did. I could not comprehend being happy until I was. I could not comprehend trusting until I did. I hadn't even known these things were possible until they were.<br /><br />I love this visualization message because I find myself excited about what the oceans might be that I've yet to discover. I'm excited about the possibilities that might change my life profoundly just as believing in myself, being happy and trusting did.<br /><br />How about you? Are you excited about the oceans you've never seen that you might yet discover in your future?<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-37576624491348673362009-10-04T10:41:00.000-07:002009-10-04T10:45:46.234-07:00WantingI think wanting—letting ourselves want—is very difficult if we were abused as children. We learned not to ask for things, not to let anyone know what we wanted or cared about so it couldn't be used against us and maybe even learned not to care at all so it wouldn't hurt so much when it was taken away from us and given to someone else.<br /><br />For years, it was impossible for me to do the exercise where you write down your ideal life—what it would look like. I couldn't do it. I'd fall asleep or get distracted or I'd get pounding headaches and have to stop or I'd just stare at the blank page literally unable to do it. Then I got to the point where I could imagine little bits and pieces of things that I thought might make me happy—hastily followed by reassurances to myself that I didn't actually need those things!<br /><br />Even now, I catch myself thinking in terms of: What's the least I can settle for? It's as if I'm afraid that if I let myself think about what I'd like, it would hurt too much because there's a part of me that still believes I can never have it.<br /><br />So...a couple of weeks ago I deliberately decided I was going to think in terms of what I really want and use it as motivation to find a way to get them. As usual, this has meant emotions bouncing all over the place, more headaches than I've had in the past 2 years all put together and bouts of insomnia and/or disturbingly vivid dreams.<br /><br />I took steps to prove to myself that NOW I could—and do!--have lots of the things that make me happy. Now I can have a freezer/refrigerator full of food—I don't have to go hungry as I did as a child. Now I can wear clothes that make me smile—instead of someone else's hand me downs or what someone else thinks I should wear. Now I can watch movies or shows I like—and not care what anyone else thinks of them. Now I can notice when men pay me compliments—without having to be afraid of what it means.<br /><br />And I noticed the patterns that still remain. I found myself thinking of some things that would make me happy and saying I can't afford them. I found myself realizing that I could—if I chose and if I let go of the old beliefs of what I do or don't deserve. I noticed the old voices whispering it was wrong to want this or spend money on that. I thought about how different I would feel if I talked to myself in terms of: This would make me happy and that wouldn't.<br /><br />There's no danger, you see, that I won't manage financially. I know how to do it too well. But there's a danger of settling instead of thriving. There's a danger of believing I never can have _________ instead of realizing I could if I just ______ and _______ and _______.<br /><br />I hadn't known I still had so many of the old ideas still in my head. I hadn't realized I was still limiting myself in ways I could have abandoned long ago. <em>It is—as always—the beliefs we don't know we have or think to question that trip us up the most.</em><br /><br />So....how about you? Are you able to think about what you want? Are you able to let yourself have the things you can afford that would make you smile? I hope so.<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-75908218833811175812009-09-11T12:47:00.000-07:002009-09-11T13:00:49.613-07:009/11I still remember vividly that morning when the planes hit the twin towers and the Pentagon and that field in Pennsylvania. My daughter and I were going to spend a couple of days together before she left for college--by plane. It's one of the things that made me realize I didn't want to waste any more years unhappy. <br /><br />When I look back, I remember the tragedy of loss of life. I also remember, though, the way people came together--despite their other differences. Briefly instead of screaming at each other, we helped each other out. People gave of themselves to help others. There was true heroism as well as the horror. <br /><br />9/11 was not the end of New York City. It is as vibrant and alive as ever. That's good to remember. Tragedies happen. We can survive them and recover and live vibrant, happy lives. The key is to help each other, to believe in ourselves, to go on even when we don't see the way more than a step or two in front of us. <br /><br />I will never forget what happened on 9/11. At the time I lived close enough to the city that firefighters and ambulances from my town headed up there. People I knew were in the city at the time and it took more than a day to verify they were okay. Some just missed being in the twin towers when they came down. But I will remember the love and heroism and unity as well as the horror.<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-59732874410683709552009-09-02T12:29:00.000-07:002009-09-02T12:31:33.721-07:00All of What I FeelIt has been an interesting time since I returned from my trip. Intense emotion hits me at odd moments. What I'm calm about on the surface turns out, some times, to be something I am not so calm about underneath.<br /><br />I have learned the hard way that trying to suppress intense emotion means one cannot laugh as easily or feel joy. And what I try to suppress gains strength whereas that which I am willing to let surface can be felt and then let go. That's what's been happening to me over the past couple of weeks.<br /><br />I am happy for all the good things in my life and in the lives of those I care about. At the same time I can grieve for hopes and dreams let go as life changes what the possible futures might look like. It's not that these possible futures, these new hopes and dreams are any worse than the ones I had before just that they are different and it's time to let go of how I once thought things would be. And in letting myself grieve I am honoring who I am and how I feel—and then I can let them go and embrace the new hopes and dreams and possibilities.<br /><br />I can be happy, too, that NOW I am someone who can celebrate the changes in my life—instead of always being afraid of them. I can be grateful for people who come into my life and enrich it—for however long they are here without needing to grab onto them terrified they might go away. I can help my children explore the possibilities in their lives without believing that their choices determine whether I have succeeded or failed in mine. I can choose who I will be and what I will do without being terrified of what others will think—and that too is a wonderful thing.<br /><br />It is an interesting time for me and I am willing to let it be whatever it is.<br /><br />Here's hoping that you are having some joy amid the challenges in your lives, a sense of trust in yourselves and a willingness to honor all of who you are.<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-83524417856541341982009-08-22T13:28:00.000-07:002009-08-22T13:29:53.040-07:00Intensely Emotional WeeksThe past two weeks have been....extraordinary. My daughter's visit brought us closer. She shared things with me she has never shared before. And that let us bond in ways we couldn't before.<br /><br />Then I went to NJ and my ex reminded me yet again why I was right to divorce him. (I say that tongue in cheek but not with malice. There are some people who need to live in drama and chaos and make it seem normal. When one has a chance to step outside that circle of drama and chaos it is amazing the sense of relief one can feel. I am truly glad that he's found someone happy to live in that drama and chaos with him and who thinks he is wonderful just as he is. That's what we all deserve—someone who can love and value us just as we are.)<br /><br />I gave an all day workshop and was reminded how good I am at what I do—and what a difference I can make for other writers.<br /><br />I saw my son and helped him adjust a little more to his group home. And could see that he is beginning to accept that this IS his home now.<br /><br />I saw old friends and I could offer comfort to a friend facing yet more serious medical news.<br /><br />So much laughter, a few tears, a chance to be myself at my best. These things are priceless.<br /><br />Here's hoping all of you have had good weeks, too. Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),<br /><br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-30403367141989664042009-08-08T13:32:00.000-07:002009-08-08T13:37:46.094-07:00Processing and Self-ProtectionSome interesting comments to my last post. I'm going to try to answer a couple of them here because I think they are important.<br /><br />First, Paul mentioned self-protection. Certainly, in my last post I wasn't advocating abandoning commonsense. We need to think about choices we're making and whether or not they are wise ones. At the same time, in my own experience, when I've tried to be self-protective--out of fear of what might happen with regard to other people--I've often guessed very wrong so that what were meant to be self-protective words and/or actions ended up hurting me and/or the other person.<br /><br />I've come to believe very strongly that I need to use commonsense AND risk trusting that things will be okay, that I will be able to figure out how to handle anything that comes up as long as I have used commonsense all along.<br /><br />Seriously, some of the things I've done—or not done—out of a desire to protect myself have been some of the worst mistakes I've ever made. For me, to live as much as possible without acting from fear is turning out to be the safest thing I can do.<br /><br />Second, Vicki asked about headaches and processing experiences. For me, here are the steps I used:<br /><br />1) Imagine a beautiful safe place.<br />2) Imagine my child self with me in that place.<br />3) Ask that child self to tell me what happened and LISTEN TO THE EMOTIONS.<br />4) Reassure that child self that NOW she/I am safe.<br />5) Help the child self see it wasn't her fault—that she did the best she could.<br />6) Thank the child self for her part in helping me survive.<br />7) Imagine loving the child and then helping her learn how to play.<br />8) If necessary, imagine my adult self confronting the abuser(s) with them unable to speak unless I let them.<br />9) Imagine saying/doing anything necessary to give me closure.<br />10) Imagine going back and playing with that child self until I am calm and at peace and smiling.<br /><br />Not sure when I'll next get a chance to post. I'll be traveling this week and next. Giving an all day writing workshop and visiting my son in his group home. That will be a challenge because my son tells me he is “causing problems, big problems.” I don't know what, if anything, I can do to help him adjust. I worry what happens next if he can't. And this will be the first time I see the house I lived in during my marriage since my ex-husband's girlfriend has moved in. So....it's going to be an interesting trip. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),<br /><br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-47727140627259677042009-08-01T11:50:00.000-07:002009-08-01T11:57:12.020-07:00How Things Are ChangingWell, some of you have asked how things are changing so....here goes. I'll start with my dog since Kahless specifically asked about her.<br /><br />When I first brought her home, Sophy was scared of a lot of things. If I left her more than an hour or two there were accidents. On New Year's Eve, she was terrified of the fireworks and sat trembling in my lap. Now? Now I can leave her for up to 6 hours. She wasn't scared on July 4th and she joyfully looks forward to each day. She still checks out limits and when we pass rabbits on our walks I know all training is going to go out of her head as she tries to get that rabbit! But now she often rolls on her back for me—without trying to grab my hand when I rub her tummy. Now she can let me out of her sight without panicking. And now I'm learning to adjust to the idea that I have a dog who can catch birds and rabbits—in my back yard! (EEEWWWWW!) She no longer clings the way she did for so long. And we have a new routine of rolling out of bed, dressing and immediately going for a walk because with the record heat we've had this summer it's too hot to go any later in the day.<br /><br />But a lot of other things are changing too. Paul asked about those dynamics.<br /><br />I'm being asked to step into leadership in a situation where, at the same time, I feel somewhat marginalized. That means I get to look at patterns. How does this resemble past situations? How is it different? In what way are my choices playing into problems that arise? What changes can I make?<br /><br />Maybe most importantly I'm asking myself: How can I stand in a place of excitement about the changes taking place in my life rather than standing in fear? How can I make choices based on what I want rather than what I fear?<br /><br />If I can do that, then everything changes. Most of the mistakes I've made in my life, the things I regret were the result of choices I made and actions I took out of fear.<br /><br />When I have been able to speak and act from a place of looking at what I want, I have never regretted what I said or did—even when it didn't work out the way I expected. Those adventures I look upon with joy, able to see what I learned and gained, no matter how they turned out.<br /><br />You can see why I want to make this my operating method for everything—as much as I can. So when I get scared about a new change or opportunity, I stop, take a deep breath, smile (physiologically something happens that alters the emotions) and remind myself of the above truths. That lets me step back enough to set aside my fears and look at what I want—and then choose what, if any, action I will take.<br /><br />I'm going to try to post a bit sooner next time. In part that's because I'll be traveling for a week and hope to post before that trip. It will be interesting to see how I interact with my ex-husband and son this time. (As long as I'm growing and changing--and I hope I never stop!--each time I see them is different.)<br /><br />Here's hoping there are good changes happening in YOUR life!<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-59111494374255640112009-07-21T12:10:00.000-07:002009-07-21T12:45:24.423-07:00Back AgainOkay, I know it's been forever since I last posted. I've been doing a bunch of stuff that took up time including setting up some online writing classes and pondering new directions in my life. I've been stepping outside my comfort zones in a number of ways and reminding myself that I want to act from a place of courage not fear.<br /><br />Of course, stepping outside my comfort zone has meant that long buried fears and/or beliefs have popped up—often startling me because I didn't know I still had them. It's meant looking at each one dispassionately to see if it made sense. With some, I could immediately see how absurd the fear or belief was. With others I needed to take the position that what I was doing was an experiment and it would either prove or disprove the fear and/or belief and that it was okay whatever the outcome might be.<br /><br />All of that takes energy. The good thing is that I can make such choices. I can consciously choose to step outside my comfort zones and do new things and/or handle old situations in new ways.<br /><br />But it takes energy. And since the middle of change always looks like chaos, I've felt a bit...unsettled these past couple of weeks. The hardest thing, I think, is to give myself credit for what I am doing since like most people I tend to notice most the things I'm not yet doing that I think I should or mistakes I make as I learn how to do new things. That's part of the learning curve for this process.<br /><br />So what's been changing? Let's see....<br /><br />Relationship dynamics with my grown kids and my ex-husband.<br />Relationship dynamics at my church as well as my willingness to step into new roles there.<br />Relationship dynamics with my dog.<br />How I see myself in terms of my career and steps I'm taking regarding it.<br />How my day to day life plays out.<br /><br />In other words, just a few little minor details of my life. I'd like to say I'm going to get back to posting far more often but I honestly don't know. Just as I don't know if I'm going to join Twitter under this identity (or any other).<br /><br />I hope that each of you has wonderful new possibilities showing up in your lives and that you're finding ways to welcome those possibilities. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),<br /><br />April_optimist<br /><br />PS <a href="http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/2009/07/book-anniversary.html">Colleen</a> is giving a way a copy of her book. Click on the link to read about it on her blog.April_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-81700675049370536212009-07-04T13:26:00.000-07:002009-07-04T13:27:42.384-07:00July 4thWhen I think of Independence Day I think of Martina McBride's song about abuse.<br /><br />I think about the profound respect I feel for men and women who risk their lives for all of us and who often come home from war with trauma as deep and profound as that which any of us carries inside.<br /><br />I think of courage.<br /><br />I think of the hopes and dreams the founders of the United States had for our country.<br /><br />I find myself thinking that in my own life I want to live with courage, take risks for my own hopes and dreams and be willing to stand up for what's right even when it isn't easy.<br /><br />Wishing for each of us our own independence days, every day. May we be able to fight for our hopes and dreams and take steps to escape the chains of our past. Every day.<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-51038484713786240242009-06-26T13:00:00.000-07:002009-06-26T13:02:23.551-07:00PossibilitiesWell, I've finally almost reclaimed my house and cleaned up the stuff scattered all over when my daughter left. Shipped off another large box of her stuff to her, too. My dog has (more or less) stopped moping and I've been able to do a few things I didn't while she was here.<br /><br />I know that this new direction in her life is a VERY GOOD THING—both for her and for the work she is going into. Now the challenge becomes looking at new possibilities in my own life. What might I want to do that I haven't—for whatever reason? What might I want to do that will make me smile?<br /><br />Mind you, having daily highs over 100 degrees tends to put a damper on one's energy—especially for outdoor activities. And I'm still catching up on things that got put aside while I helped my daughter get ready to move. But it's time to look at possibilities—whether for right now or for when it gets a bit cooler outside.<br /><br />I saw the Star Trek movie and found myself thinking that I'd like to be part of that grand adventure and it got me thinking about hope again. Because that's the foundation of the success of the whole Star Trek franchise—hope. Hope that against all odds, brash daring might win the day even against apparently overwhelming forces.<br /><br />Those of us who have known abuse know what it's like to feel powerless. For many of us, it was hope that kept us going. Hope that one day life would be better, hope that one day the abuse would stop, hope that some day someone—even if it was us—would figure out a way to stop the abuser(s). I don't think it's surprising that so many of us were/are drawn to Star Trek, especially when you add a Vulcan who seems to know how to handle difficult emotions so that they do not run his life—as was true for Spock in the original series.<br /><br />Here's hoping each of you has a source (or more than one!) of hope in your life.<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-10232430430047398252009-06-11T13:01:00.001-07:002009-06-11T13:09:10.953-07:00So....I'll be around to read blogs soon--I hope. Just realized how long it's been since I posted and figured I'd mention I'm still alive. <br /><br />Yesterday I got my daughter on the road to California and her new life there. I figure it will take me a month to recover from the past 10 days! At least that's how it feels. Between lack of sleep, frantic packing and shipping, trying to get her car fixed up in time, etc. I'm exhausted. I'm also numb, relieved, missing her and a whole bunch of other emotions I can't yet name.<br /> <br />During this time I also learned my ex's girlfriend has moved into our old house and they're about to go off for a vacation in Paris, France. Don't get me wrong--I'm glad he's happy. I don't begrudge them these things. But...it is another change and he and I lived in Paris for a year when we were first married. So it's more emotions to deal with. Not jealousy exactly. More the sense of changes happening. And remembering the days of being the one walking those streets so many, many years ago. <br /><br />Anyway, I'm way behind on my work, still needing to catch up on sleep and processing a lot of emotions. <br /><br />Wishing all of you well and hoping to catch up soon on your blogs. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))).<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20677845.post-87928082441989379882009-05-30T12:55:00.000-07:002009-05-30T13:15:00.564-07:00What If?Hmmm. I seem to keep getting farther and farther behind posting. And I'm just barely beginning to restore links to my website. I imagine that will take me a while.<br /><br />It's not that this blog isn't important to me--because it is! Part of it is the logistics of getting my daughter ready to move across country. Part of it is needing to immerse myself in a manuscript I'm evaluating for someone. Part of it is needing time to withdraw and ponder where my life is going now. And there is a lot to ponder.<br /><br />One of the patterns I want to change is not letting myself want. It's good to be happy with what one has and to be able to find joy every day no matter what. It's another thing not to let oneself want because for most of my life I couldn't have what I wanted--or if I got it, it would have come with too many things I didn't want. I find that even now I'm a bit rusty when it comes to thinking about what I might want.<br /><br />But that's what I've been doing. Practicing thinking about wants. Practicing imagining that what I want could be possible without all the negatives such things would have come with in the past. I've found that about the only way I can do that with some things is to say to myself: WHAT IF it was possible to have A without Z? What if it was possible? What would it look like if it was?<br /><br />It didn't work, you see, to simply try to tell myself that it was possible and I needed to imagine that. In some cases, I couldn't. But to start with the words WHAT IF IT WAS POSSIBLE, then that changed things. I don't know how to explain the power of that difference, I just know it's there. And thank heavens it is because it lets me consider what I might want in a way I couldn't before.<br /><br />What would YOU want, if it was possible? What would it look like if you could have what you want without all the things you don't want? And is there any piece, however small, of what you want that you could begin to have NOW? Those are the questions I'm asking myself and that maybe you might find useful, too.<br /><br />Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),<br />April_optimistApril_optimisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04264149241673287909noreply@blogger.com7