Wednesday, May 21, 2008


I was going to write a “Valuing Self pt. 3” and talk about how it matters that we value ourselves because it's in the moments we fear we aren't good enough and/or we will be rejected/abandoned that we are most likely to do or say things that hurt ourselves and/or others. That's what I was going to write about. But...

But this week I heard that my son with Down syndrome may soon be placed in housing. And that's a good thing, I think.'s churned up all sorts of emotions for me.

Will the housing be good enough?

Will my son be able to adjust?

Will he be happy there?

It also means a lot of other changes. My ex-husband will almost certainly sell the house where my kids grew up. My links with the state where I lived for over 20 years are disappearing.

Odds are that my ex-husband will marry since it's our son who his girlfriend didn't want to deal with.

There won't be many more times I go and stay in the house with my son (while my ex-husband is elsewhere).

I know. In the grand scheme of things, none of this is terrible. None of this is unexpected. None of this is even, necessarily a bad thing.

But all of this adds up to profound emotional upheaval for me.

Let me be clear: I don't begrudge my ex-husband happiness. I'm glad that maybe my son is moving to a new level of independence. I hope a new setting will help him grow. All of this could be good.

It's just a profound emotional upheaval for me.


keepers said...

imo you have every right to feel the upheaval as you say. We all get comfortable with some of the ruts our life gets into and when they change for better or worse or unknown we get anxious not knowing what is coming. we were comfortable and now we are unsettled waiting to see how things shake out. pretty natural feelings we think!

sending you many safe hugs


motherwintermoon said...

Dear April

This is indeed a major change and upheaval for you. That house was a huge part of your life for many years.

Of course you are worried about your son and how he will adjust to the changes.

Everything you're feeling is perfectly natural.

As you say, your son will experience a new level of independence. Your ex will inevitably move on with his life in the way he sees fit.

I have a feeling you will soon be posting some excellent tips on how to effectively deal with major life changes that hit us all at once.

Blessings upon you and your loved ones. I wish you all the extra fortitude you need to carry you through this upheaval. (((Safe and healing hugs))) MW

April_optimist said...

Keepers and Mother Wintermoon, Thank you for understanding.

jumpinginpuddles said...

When thins start to disappear grief does come in, please grieve for your losses

Alex Marlin said...

Hi April,

I feel your pain, and the emotions can be felt just by reading what your writing.

Be honest with yourself, and ask yourself this: Do you think your son can feel what your feeling based on your emotions?

I do believe he can, so program your mind, and think of good things, you are letting your mind wonder off, and giving power to all the bad and evil things or people.

Your mind can create wonders, reprogram yourself, and think of happy thoughts, it's not your fault nor your son fault. It's the way certain things happens, and at times we all wonder why. Just don't question, just accept, and don't let the sad moments win.

We can all learn from your experience, send out better vibes to the universe, we are looking for a turn around in your life, and your son.

From your good friend,

Alex Marlin

April_optimist said...

Thank you, Jumping in Puddles.

Alex, Good to see you here again. I'm going to apologize in advance because I'm about to be very unlike myself in answering you...

First, thank you for reminding me of the very real gender differences between how men and women handle things. Second for reminding me how important it is to think how my responses might sound when I'm posting a comment on other blogs.

Does scolding work on men because it sure as heck doesn't work on women! Especially not coming from someone who doesn't have a clue what the actual situation really is!

If you've been reading my blog much at all then you know that OF COURSE I'M FOCUSING ON WHAT COULD BE GOOD ABOUT ALL OF THIS! And I would not be expressing concerns unless they were valid!

You would also know that my son doesn't live with me--which means he is NOT seeing my emotional reactions and OF COURSE I am careful when I talk with him to stay focused on the positive!

Look, I know men are all about action and don't spend much time on emotions. But it's not like that for women. If we try to pretend we don't feel what we do then it's like slapping a happy face over an empty gas gauge in a car--we won't get very far! To switch to a positive focus requires looking at what we DO feel and how to reframe our thinking so that we see things in a positive way.

I'm glad you read my blog. I hope you don't stop posting. Just understand that I may not see things quite the way you think I do and there may be factors of which you are not aware. Try to give me the benefit of the doubt that in every way it's possible to be positive, I always will be. It just might not be the path YOU would take to get there.

Clueless said...

An upheavel would be an understatement two of the people who impact your life the most are going through changes. Even though your ex-husband's is expected, it still will bring up a lot of feeling is you let it and not all will be like grieving.

With your son, I really feel for you. For 7-8 years, I was a social worker for developmentally disabled adults and had worked in the field for almost 18 years until my depression made me quit working. Moving to a new level of care is one of the most difficult transition, often times, more so with the parents. I have held many a parent's hand through this process and it is a mixture of all sort of feelings from happiness, sadness, guilt, pride, fear, disappointment, grief, loss, etc. I encourage you to allow yourself to feel these as they come up; otherwise, you get yourself into a mess emotionally. My experience is that no matter what the circumstances are the first quarter is the most difficult and the first year. I really feel for you and hope that you have a good support system and social worker for him to help you both through the process. My thoughts are with you. You may cry and laugh at the same time...that is okay...just feels and looks a little funny and may give you the hiccups, but they pass. :-)

gypsy-heart said...

Change is not without struggle, but you already know the struggle makes you stronger.

So a new chapter for all of you..your son, your ex, and you. From what I have read here it is the time for it my dear...and YOU are ready!!

Your son is growing and preparing to use his wings. Wings that you helped strengthen. :)

Exciting times for all of you..I am looking forward to reading all about it!

Energies of love and light to you and yours!

April_optimist said...

Clueless, Yes, you've nailed it exactly. Such a mixture of emotions right now! Thank you for understanding.

Gypsy Heart, Thank you. I have no idea how fast any of this will happen. I will be staying with my son again soon for several days and will work to help him become ready for the transition then.

Clueless said...

You are welcome. I wasn't sure if I was being helpful or just rambling or neither or both.

Thanks for visiting my blog and the song was really cool. I'm adding you to my "blogroll" because I want to see how you are doing.

May God bless your family,