What I Hate About Being A Survivor

It’s Pity Party Day. See here for more details:
National Pity Party Day

I’m an optimist. I pride myself on that. I’ve worked damn hard to get to where I am and to be able to feel happy most days. But I don’t ever want anyone to think it’s easy. I don’t ever want to forget how far I’ve come. So I decided to write a list of what I hate about being a survivor:

People who minimize the abuse. People who say it wasn’t so bad.

The emotional landmines that can go off when we least expect them.

The push/pull between trusting (the wrong people) too much and being paranoid (with people who can be trusted).

The sense of shame that can be so hard to get rid of.

The sense of guilt that can be so hard to get rid of.

The lack of self-worth that gets in the way of being who we are meant to be.

People who minimize what happened and/or blame the victim.

The fear that surfaces at the most inconvenient times.

The jealousy of people who don’t have to struggle with the handicaps we have to get over.

People who don’t give a damn about anyone except themselves and think it’s okay to hurt others.

PEOPLE WHO TRY TO MINIMIZE WHAT HAPPENED AND/OR BLAME US AND/OR MINIMIZE US.

People who don’t get what resilience and strength and courage it takes to survive. Who don’t give us credit for that and sure as heck don’t recognize how extraordinary it is when we manage to do more than just survive.

People who don’t get how difficult every day things can be for us. Who don’t understand why we can’t do things the same way as everyone else.

No I’m not in a happy mood right now. One too many hassles in too short a period of time.

Yes, I’m a survivor and a thriver. Yes, I’ve created a pretty good life for myself. Yes, on the whole I’m happy most of the time. NOW. But I’ll be damned if I’ll let anyone minimize what it took to get to this point. I’ll be damned if I’ll let anyone criticize me because I don’t do what they do or what they think I should do. I’ll be damned if I’ll let anyone push me around ever again.

I’m nice. It’s who I choose to be. Because I recognize that everyone hurts, everyone gets scared and almost all hurtful things done are done out of fear. But heaven help anyone who mistakes that niceness for me being a potential victim. If they do, let’s just say it won’t be a very pretty sight.

Standing Up to Bullies

How many times have I stood up to bullies? I’ve lost count. I know I was doing it before I was 3 years old, stopping my mother from harming my baby brother. I’ve stood between raging men and the women and children they were trying to terrorize. I did it again this weekend, standing up to someone who is beloved by many but was choosing in that moment to try to bully them, albeit with words not fists.

I’m tired of bullies. Tired of people who think that because they have money or authority or people love them, they have the right to impose their will on others.

I know that in their own minds, bullies believe they are justified and perhaps even heroic. I understand that deep down they are acting out of their own fears.

I’m still tired of bullies. And terrified of ever being one myself.

April_optimist

Whines Redux

I laughed when I read the comment about having a pity party because there are sure as heck days when we feel like having them, aren’t there?

Anyway, I thought I’d give you an update on my recent whines....

My back is much better. And when my daughter came over yesterday she moved the rest of the boxes out of the room they’re in. Some she took with her, some are in a better, temporary spot. And she actually remembered to wish me a happy birthday (albeit a week late).

We played Nintendo together, too. Who knew she was still using a system I bought her almost 20 years ago?

We’re still figuring out this new relationship. Neither of us quite knows where it’s going or exactly how to do this but we’re both working on it, both wanting it to work. And that’s light years better than how things were for a while.

I’ve been playing with my new camera, too. It’s lovely to be able to do so. It’s lovely to see that I can record sound and short videos. I’ve been toying with the idea of putting up some workshop material in video form and this may be a way to do it.

And my computer is back to working just fine again.

So....lessons learned?

1) Doing things that are outside my comfort zone expands the comfort zone. (Getting the camera.)

2) Focusing on the positive increases the odds of a good outcome. (Had I yelled at my daughter we would not have ended up with such a nice evening.)

3) Speaking up is a GOOD thing. (Had I not asked her to come get boxes and move the rest, it wouldn’t have happened.)

4) If I didn’t choose to advocate for a new kind of relationship between us, it wouldn’t happen. Because I am, it can. Relationships are not set in stone. They can change and grow IF both people want them to.

5) When I can’t do something for one reason (back hurts too much), then it’s time to do something else and focus fully on that rather than focusing on what I can’t do. It can be a time to explore new possibilities or just be still and good things can happen or it can be time and energy that accomplishes nothing except to get me more upset.

This week was, as every week can be, a learning experience on so many levels for me. Feels weird to say it, but on the worst day I also found myself smiling at what I felt like I was being nudged by the universe to learn.

I will, however, admit that I’d just as soon this coming week doesn’t bring quite so many opportunities for learning experiences.....

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

My Day to Whine

Meant to post sooner but it’s been one of those...challenging, yes, that’s the word, challenging...weeks.

Tried moving some of my daughter’s boxes from my “classroom” to the spare room and did something to my back. Now it hurts to sit or stand or walk. It will get better, of course, the more I move around. So I am. And gritting my teeth the whole time. But it does make it hard to concentrate or work on the computer. And speaking of computers...

My computer has been doing something weird all day so that it takes forever to do anything. I presume it’s updating or downloading or something in the background but it means everything takes forever. (And yes, I run anti-virus software and spy ware blockers and this is just something that happens every so often—usually before my computer decides on its own to shut down and restart due to updates so....)

Then there’s this camera thing.... I bought myself a camera. Great, you’ll say. And it is. Except...I find myself wondering why I didn’t buy myself one before or during my cross country trip when it would have been nice to take photos of places I had always dreamed of seeing. And I find myself reluctant to take it out and use it. I find myself realizing how intimidated I have let myself become by the fact that my ex-husband had his fancy camera that I was never allowed to use and a good friend and her husband both saw themselves as professional photographers so how could any pictures I took compete with that?

Funny how we can have old messages running in our heads that we don’t even realize are there!

Add to that some...interesting, yes, interesting...family dynamics this past week and you can perhaps see why I’m running so late posting to this blog.

All of this will get resolved. None of this is more than a temporary challenge. And once I get over my hesitancy about using the camera I know I’ll be delighted that I have it. It’s all just...a bit much today.

Well, time to get up and move around some more. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

9/11

Yesterday was difficult. It always is for me. Even today I’m finding it hard to forget what it was like six years ago. I remember the fear for loved ones and friends in New York. I remember the months of worry over mail in my state that was tainted with anthrax.

What happened six years ago has shaped national policy since then. It has had an impact on our freedoms. It has affected our national and personal sense of safety.

Listening to stories of that day still has the power to bring me to tears—as much for the heroism and courage shown by so many as for the deaths. And that’s what I prefer to focus on: the message that even in the midst of the worst moments some will find the courage to help others. Some will find a way to survive. People can open hearts and minds in such moments and for a long time afterwards.

Horrible things happen. We who read and write blogs like this know that. I hope that what I write is a reminder that good things happen too. We cannot always choose what happens to us but we can choose what we do with those events.

I’m a writer. I teach workshops. One of the things I say over and over to fellow writers is that it isn’t the events that happen to our characters that matter nearly as much as how our characters deal with the challenges in their lives. This is what distinguishes one person (or character) from another. This is the way we create the lives we want to have—by seeking out the good, by offering hope and help to others AND TO OURSELVES.

I wish 9/11 hadn’t happened. I hope that we never forget the loss but that we also never forget the courage of so many that day and the way people came together in the days afterwards. In those moments we knew we were all more alike than different, that we were united in tragedy. I hope that we as individuals and as a country can find a way to create that unity again—without having to have another tragedy to do so.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

Believing in Ourselves, pt. 2

Over and over the comment comes up (here and elsewhere) that it’s so hard to believe we’re worth loving or taking care of or are good enough.

And I think that’s what scares us the most—that if we look, we’ll discover we aren’t. If we don’t look, maybe we can pretend a little longer that we might be.

It colors everything we do and all our relationships with other people.

If we aren’t good enough:

1) How can we take chances in our careers? How can we believe we’ll really succeed?

2) How can we risk letting anyone else close?

3) How can anyone possibly love us and if they do how can we believe they aren’t somehow flawed?

4) How can we trust we won’t be hurt?

5) How can we do new things if we don’t believe we can do things right or well?

6) How can we look at and acknowledge the things we want because if we do it will hurt so much when we can’t have them and how can we possibly have them when we’re so unworthy?

7) We may tend to punish ourselves—before God or anyone else can do so and maybe do it worse.

8) We may walk on eggshells with people trying to make it up to them for having to deal with us or we may try to be perfect so they don’t get fed up and say we’re too much trouble and abandon us.

9) We may tolerate abuse—overt or covert—because we assume that’s how things will always be for us and maybe that it’s even what we deserve.

None of the above is likely to surprise anyone reading here. I post it to remind us all of what it costs not to find a way to value ourselves. And that’s just flat out unfair to the child inside who got hurt—maybe very badly—at some point in our lives. That child inside deserves to be loved and cherished and protected.

It comes down to responsibility. We have a responsibility to protect that child inside us. No matter who has done what to us in the past, this is NOW and it’s our responsibility to make sure no one hurts that child again—not even us.

That means making a conscious choice to make a list of things that make us smile—and do them EVERY SINGLE DAY.

That means making a conscious choice to treat ourselves with kindness and respect even when—no, ESPECIALLY WHEN we don’t think we deserve it.

That means making a conscious choice to learn how to protect ourselves from bullies of all kinds—verbal and physical. (Again, I strongly recommend Take the Bully by the Horns, by Sam Horn.)

That means making a conscious choice to challenge the old messages, the distorted beliefs we’ve carried around way too long.

And I know it doesn’t happen instantly. Heck, I’m writing a story right now and there are moments when it cuts like a knife to my heart to realize something my heroine sees about herself and her life that I hadn’t known I didn’t know about my own.

I’m still learning. I’m still growing. I’m still discovering those hidden pockets of self-doubt. (And I don’t know any human being who doesn’t have them.) It’s like breaking a bad habit, the habit of seeing ourselves as unworthy. The only way that happens is to replace it with a new vision of ourselves and opening ourselves up to the possibility that it could be a very good one.

And the good news is that every step we take toward doing so, no matter how tiny, makes it easier to take the next.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Taking Care of Ourselves vs. Taking Care of Others

Jumping in Puddles had a good point in a comment she made about my last post. She asked about taking care of others vs. taking care of ourselves. In fact, I was a little surprised that all the comments referred to our ability to make others feel better even though the bulk of the post was about believing in ourselves.

The thing is that it’s easier, in some ways, to focus on helping others. It means we don’t have to look at our self-doubts or fears. It’s so much easier, too, to see how others could do things differently than to see what other choices we could be making.

Ultimately, though, the quality of our lives depends on our ability to help ourselves. It depends on our ability to face those fears and find a way to let them go. It depends on our willingness to consider new ways of doing things and to challenge the assumptions we may not even have realized we were holding onto.

The truth is that even if what we want most in the world is to help others, we can’t do that unless we begin with ourselves. If we don’t take care of us, we’ll burn out. If we don’t find a way to accept ourselves, there will be a level on which we resent accepting others. If we don’t treat ourselves with kindness and respect, we’ll sooner or later resent treating others with kindness and respect.

It goes back to making the lists of things we like about ourselves. It goes back to making sure we do things that make us smile—every single day. It goes back to treating ourselves with kindness and respect even if—especially if!—no one else around us does so.

I believe in all of you. I hope that you’re all able to believe in yourselves. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Believe in Yourself

As you know, I'm a writer. Every time I coach, every time I teach, every time I write, I am reminded how important it is—and sometimes how hard—for us to believe in ourselves.

It matters to profoundly so to writers because we often spend months or sometimes years working on projects, not knowing if anyone will like it or not. Even if we sell it to an editor, there’s no guarantee that people will buy our books. It’s hard sometimes to hold onto faith in ourselves—especially if we were not raised to believe in ourselves. That’s why I talk about it so much in my workshops.

It matters just as much to anyone who has been through trauma. Without knowing what the outcome will be, we have to risk stepping out of our safe zone to face things that feel as if they could overwhelm us, destroy us if we risk looking at them. And yet, if we don’t, we can’t let go of them.

I believe that the best thing we can do as we work to face issues in our lives and/or past traumas is to in a sense fortify ourselves first. When I worked with a counselor to process my horrific and abusive childhood, each time I went in to see him I would go through several steps:

1) I would remind myself of every success I’d had in my life—and tell myself that I could do this too.
2) I would remind myself of my strengths and reasons to believe in my gut instincts about things.
3) I would remind myself of all the reasons to trust him.
4) I would remind myself that ultimately my life was MY responsibility—that I had to make the choices that would make my life better or it wasn’t ever going to happen.

When I give writing workshops I ask people to make a list of all their successes. It’s even more important for all of us who have had difficult times in our lives or come to feel there are things we can’t do. So I’m suggesting that YOU make a list of every success you have ever had in your life—big or small. Keep that list handy and add to it with every new success. And when you hit days where you wonder if you can cope with some challenge life has handed you, pull out that list and remind yourself that you do have the skills to do so.

I do believe that within each of us is the ability to cope with whatever challenges appear in our lives. I also believe that when we can hold onto that faith in ourselves, we are more likely to succeed simply because the brain functions better, more efficiently the calmer and less afraid we can be. Believing in ourselves is a very powerful tool.

By the same token, believing in someone else and helping that person to believe in him or herself is a powerful and wonderful gift you can give. Think about it. Odds are the people you remember most vividly (in a positive way), the people you would do anything for, are people who believed in you when you needed it most. You never know when it could change someone’s life because you said, at the right moment, what they needed to hear.

I believe in all of you. I believe that each of you has within you the power to heal whatever pain is in your lives. I believe that there are good people out there ready to help if you risk reaching out to them. I believe, too, that each of you deserves to find a way to be happy.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April Optimist

Comfort Zones

One of the advantages of having my daughter nearby is that I’m being jarred out of my routines. I’m finding myself doing things I otherwise wouldn’t do. And that’s a good thing.

Anthony Robbins talks about how when we step outside our comfort zone to do new things, our comfort zone expands to then include those new things. He’s absolutely right. When I’m following routines, I’m not growing much. When I do new things I am. I’m discovering more things I like—or don’t like and then I know, more things I can do, more places that now become familiar. In short, I have new possibilities in my life.

The thing is, we don’t need to wait to have someone prod us into making changes and stepping outside our comfort zone. We can make ourselves a promise to do one new thing every month. We may like it so much that we’ll choose to do one new thing every week—or perhaps even every day.

I suggest this as a gift we give ourselves because there is such joy in discovering new possibilities and having an expanded comfort zone. We can begin with small steps. In a way, it’s like exercising. If we haven’t been doing it and jump in and try to do an hour at a time, odds are we’ll give up very quickly. On the other hand, if we add just five more minutes a day to our schedule and then add another five each week, then pretty soon we’ll have built up to that hour and our bodies won’t feel strained. This is especially true if we choose to do things that are fun for us. Same thing with stepping outside our comfort zone. If we build into the experience fun and/or a treat, we’re much more likely to keep doing it and wanting to do it.

Wishing for all of you some wonderful new experiences this week. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Surprises

My daughter is in town. She’s moving here and has already found an apartment. For years I felt like I wasn’t a good enough mother and tried so hard not to “infect” her with my flaws. I felt I had to make it up to her that she hadn’t gotten a better mother.

Since my divorce, I’m doing things differently. I told her she had to treat me with respect. I told her we were rewriting the relationships. It’s been a bit rocky at times but getting better and better over all. Since she arrived this week, I’m enjoying the chance we have to be together and not fight. I’m enjoying being able to interact with her and just being me—without worrying what she’ll think of me or my house or...anything else about me. It’s nice to have reached this point of feeling “good enough” just as I am.

It’s a nice surprise to discover this is possible. It’s a nice surprise to see how well we can get along now. It’s a nice surprise to have her ask if something is okay rather than assuming if she wants me to do something then obviously I will. It’s a nice surprise to be able to talk with her about things that in the past would have started a fight. It’s just flat out nice to have her here in town.

She is a visible reminder to me that dreams can come true as she pursues her dreams making choices that are right for her—no matter what the rest of the world might think. It’s reassuring to see that she can walk her own path and not only succeed by doing so but succeed brilliantly finding more choices available than if she had followed conventional wisdom.

It’s reassuring for any of us who don't find conventional pathways right for us--for whatever reason. It’s reassuring because I can see what a difference self-confidence makes. It’s reassuring because I can see how taking chances and moving outside one’s comfort zone can pay off.

There have been lots of surprises this week and I’m glad for each and every one. May all of you have wonderful surprises in your lives too. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Resolving Conflict

First, my apologies to anyone who worried because I didn’t post for so long. I hate feeling under the weather at any time but especially during the summer!

What I want to post about today is resolving conflict. And I know that conflict is hard for survivors of abuse to deal with. Many of us grow up hating conflict and wanting to avoid it at all costs. Unfortunately, that approach can lead to becoming victims of further abuse and/or relationships that never become real because we’re too afraid to let the other person see us as we truly are.

I’ve said before that conflict arises out of a clash caused by fears. Today I’d like to talk about a very specific fear and one that I think triggers some of the worst conflict and one that if we understand it we can use to resolve conflict in a way that is most likely to be win/win for everyone.

I’m talking about conflict triggered because someone’s self-image gets threatened.

Bullies do this—either instinctively or consciously. They zero in on how we see ourselves and do everything they can to undermine our sense self-worth—often by attacking those things about which we have the most self-doubt or by trying to make us believe we’re not good at what we really are or that it’s a bad thing. Which is why we avoid conflict—because we’ve been hurt by bullies who trashed our sense of self-worth and we don’t want to risk having it happen again!

Attacking someone else’s self-image is the quickest way to start a fight or create permanent bad feelings. The quickest way to make a new friend or create good feelings is to understand what someone values about him or herself and—IF we can do so HONESTLY—reaffirm that we see and value that quality in them.

What all of this means is that once again our optimal strategy is to work on boosting our own self-esteem. We can do so by reminding ourselves often of all the things we do like about ourselves and rewriting the messages we took in as a result of the abuse. We can understand that at every point in our lives, we did the best we could—then—and that if we don’t like the choices we made—then—we can make different ones NOW. And if necessary we can make amends for past mistakes. We can walk away from bullies who try to trash our sense of self-worth and learn techniques to deal with bullies for those times we cannot or are not ready to walk away.

If we feel good enough about ourselves, we can be open and honest with others. We can face conflict far more easily if we know that we can stand up to bullies and that even if the other person has a legitimate grievance with us, we are capable of growing and changing and becoming more and more the person we want to be. We can risk rejection if we know that while it might sting, it won’t shake our sense of self-worth because we know clearly who we are and we like that person.

And if we don’t like who we are, we can make a list of who we would like to be and then small steps we can take in the right direction for each change we would like to make. Taking action, any action, will make us feel better—if we choose steps we can achieve AND if we give ourselves permission sometimes to stumble along the way. We can look for people who believe in us, even when we have trouble believing in ourselves and who will encourage us to become the best we can be WITHOUT berating us for where we are now.

Ultimately, the words anyone else says hurt us only to the degree that they resonate with our own fears and self-doubts. If we can set aside that issue then when we are in conflict with someone we will be able to step back and decide:

a) Is this a relationship we really want or need to have? If so...
b) What does the other person value about him or herself and can we reaffirm it to defuse emotions so that the issue can be settled on rational terms?
c) Is there a way to frame a solution within the context of the qualities the other person values about him/herself?
d) What words and actions are consistent with the person we choose to be REGARDLESS OF WHAT THE OTHER PERSON SAYS OR DOES?

Wishing for all of you the ability to value and love yourselves and see within you—and others!—the best that each of us can be. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),

April_optimist

Build From Our Strengths

We can focus on the problems in our lives and try to force ourselves to deal with them or we can focus on our strengths and go from there.

What’s the difference? Well, if we begin with the problems, we’re putting all our energy into the problems and may feel as if we’re butting our heads against the wall and getting no where—especially if our problems involve other people we have no control over.

On the other hand, if we focus on our strengths and creating a sense of faith in ourselves, then we begin to see possibilities to make our lives better. We can put our energy into changing what we can change and making a small space of happiness around ourselves. This in turn builds our resilience and courage and we can take small steps to do things that might scare us a little and discover we have the ability to do them in spite of our fears. That expands our circle of comfort and happiness and ability to do even more good things and find even more reasons to feel good about ourselves.

Mind you, we need to guard that space around ourselves! No one must be allowed to try to take it away from us. No one must be allowed to undercut our faith in who we are. That may mean keeping to ourselves what we’re learning. That may mean taking the time to remind ourselves of all the reasons we do have to believe in who we are and what we can do—so that we don’t depend on the feedback of others to believe it.

We can, from that small space and those tiny steps begin to change the entire world in which we live so that more and more of the people around us begin to see what we can do and support us in creating the life we want to have. We may find new opportunities opening up before us. We may discover more and more things that make us smile and laugh.

If we begin by focusing on our strengths and the reasons we have to be proud of ourselves then we are far more likely to find ourselves tackling the challenges in our lives and coming up with solutions that work. The bonus is that it feels good and we will be much happier and likely think of things we otherwise never would.

It’s all about how we look at ourselves and the world and what we choose to focus on. We don’t have to go by the old rules or anyone else’s ideas of who we are or what we should do with our lives.

Our optimal strategy is NOT trying to please people who think we’re unsatisfactory to begin with but rather to find people who value what we most value about ourselves and situations where we shine because we’re doing what we love.

We each deserve to be with people who think we’re wonderful just as we are. We each deserve to be surrounded by people who respect us and want to know what we have to say. We each deserve to love ourselves.

This week think about your strengths. Make a list—even if you only keep it in your head—of all the reasons to believe in yourself. Make another list of things that make you happy, that make you smile—and do several every single day! Picture giving yourself the love and support that maybe you never had before. And watch what a difference it makes in your life.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

After Being Safe

We all want to be safe. And if we get there, we want to stay there—especially if safety has been in short supply in the past! The problem is that if we try to stay too safe, we lose out on possibilities and we fail to grow. In the long run, that can lead to not being as safe as we’d like to be.

What can we do? Well, each day we can choose to do one thing—no matter how small—that is new or different for us. Or we can take one step—no matter how small—toward dealing with something that scares us. We can choose to ride out the fear long enough to expand our comfort zone.

Note: I am talking about doing things that will enhance the quality of our lives NOT taking crazy or self-destructive chances!

Some of the things that scared me the most (in no particular order)—filing for divorce, going off to college, traveling across country by myself and not knowing where I would end up, getting married in the first place, raising children, getting therapy, buying a house on my own after age 50, getting up and giving workshops in front of lots of people—have turned out to enrich my life the most, even when they didn’t work out forever.

I didn’t take any of these steps lightly! I did my research, I made careful plans, I used due caution, and I took the leap of faith even when people around me thought I might be crazy. I don’t regret any of the things I dared to do—even when they didn’t work out. Nor do I regret the little things that scare me that I’ve chosen to do anyway.

Part of it, of course, comes down to sheer stubbornness. I feel as if I lost way too many years of my life to abuse and then to trying to live with that abuse before I found a way to process and then let it go. Too many people (bullies) in my life tried to make me believe I was foolish to even try to go after my dreams or do the things that mattered to me or even dare to hope that anyone would ever want to know or like me!

These days I want to catch up and truly LIVE and get to do the things I didn’t do before. Not rashly because I doubt I’ll ever be able to let go of the cautious streak that is so much a part of me but with open eyes and using all the skills I can muster to succeed—or at least keep from getting hurt too badly.

It’s great to feel safe. It’s also great to choose to keep on changing and growing and daring to do the things that matter to us or can enrich our lives. That’s one thing I won’t let anyone ever take from me again.

Wishing all of you a little wonderful adventure and daring in your lives and sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),

April_optimist

Wanting to be Safe

The irony is that I believe one reason so many people are vulnerable to bullies is the desire to be safe and/or the fear of being a bully oneself.

If one grew up with bullies and doesn’t want to be one, a person may become “too nice” or afraid that standing up for oneself must mean being a bully instead. That’s where Sam Horn’s book is invaluable. (See previous post about Take the Bully By the Horns.) She offers tools and strategies so that one can stand up for oneself without becoming a bully in return.

But let’s set that aside for the moment because I’d like to talk about how wanting to be safe can make us vulnerable to being bullied. It can be physical safety we’re seeking or financial or even emotional security—or all three. If we believe the other person might be able to keep us safe, we may tolerate physical or emotional abuse because we believe the person will keep us safe from worse abuse. Or if we are afraid we cannot support ourselves financially, we may tolerate abuse because the alternative scares us so much we can’t make ourselves leave or even just stand up to the person and ask for the kindness and respect that we deserve. If we are terrified of being alone and/or unloved, we may tolerate anything to have that emotional fix—especially if we don’t know it can be any other way or if that’s what feels familiar.

Or it may be that we don’t realize at first what’s happening. Perhaps the person says the right things or the relationship seems to be okay. And then the person does something we don’t like—but it’s a little thing. And we tell ourselves, well, that’s not so bad, I can live with that. If the other person is a bully, it confirms for them that we will tolerate abuse and the bully may begin to escalate. Perhaps not, if that little bit is enough to keep us in line and/or satisfies the bully’s emotional needs. But if we start to change or the bully needs more satisfaction, then the actions we dislike may start to escalate and each time we don’t speak up or walk away, it’s more proof to the bully that we will tolerate abuse.

(Some bullies will kill rather than let their victims get away and if so, the person being abused must not minimize that possibility and must take extreme precautions to protect himself or herself! I’ll give a disclaimer here similar to what Sam Horn has in her book. To paraphrase: I don’t have all the answers, I don’t know YOUR specific situation or what’s best for YOU. I’m sharing my own personal thoughts. If you are in a potentially dangerous situation the help of professionals may be essential. Safety is ALWAYS the first priority!)

In any relationship, when the dynamics begin to change, others in the relationship will resist. If the other person is a bully it can become outright dangerous! Be aware of this and take all possible precautions!

The best time to stop bullying is in the beginning. Instead of believing that if we are nice enough or helpful enough other people will like us and not hurt us, we can shift our thinking to understand that bullies will resent us if they need our help. Bullies will resent us if we are so nice that other people like us more than they like them. Bullies will take advantage of the behavior we value. Bullies will take niceness and not speaking up as proof that we are good victim material. IT WILL NOT KEEP US SAFE! Nothing we do to try to appease a bully will keep us safe—no matter what we are willing to give up trying to make it happen.

What will keep us safe?
---We can learn how to take care of ourselves so that we do not feel someone else must do so for us.
---We can learn to nicely but firmly speak or stand up for ourselves when someone does something we don’t like. In other words, we can learn to set limits.
---We can recognize that bullies who are not willing to give up their bullying tactics will keep hurting us and may not be capable of truly loving us. And if they can't, maybe we want to look for people who can love us and treat us with kindness and respect.
----We can tolerate kindness and respect until it becomes familiar and feels “normal” to us rather than seeking out the treatment we may have believed all our lives that we deserved.
---We can find a way to realize that we are and always have been worth loving—especially if we let go of any bullying tactics we may have learned to use over the years.

Do you see a pattern here? It comes down to becoming a person we like and respect and want to spend time with. It comes down to learning to trust in ourselves and our ability to keep ourselves safe.

If we treat ourselves with kindness and respect, we are far less likely to tolerate anything else from anyone else—or to treat anyone else any other way.

As we change how we see and treat ourselves, we inevitably change how others do so as well. This is the most important and powerful thing we can do for ourselves!

Mind you, I know that change doesn’t come all at once. But things don’t have to be all or nothing. We can begin to work on the skills we need to take care of ourselves and be safe. We can begin to treat ourselves with kindness and respect. We can begin to ACT AS IF we expect and deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. We can learn to say “no” to small things in unimportant relationships so that the small things do not become big things and we begin to see our own patterns and the patterns of others in such situations. If one thing doesn’t work we can experiment until we find what does.

I'm not saying it's easy. I know how hard it's been for me to integrate these ideas into my own life, my own understanding. I look back and cry for the person I was and wish I could go back and help her know it didn't have to be that way. But I can't go back, I can only go forward and share with all of you what it took me so long to learn in hopes that it may shortcut a little of your journey.

Note: Again, if you are dealing with a bully, be aware that the potential for escalation always exists and make escape plans (from the relationship or situation) before taking any action that might provoke trouble. (Sam Horn talks about how to decide what level of response is SAFE and appropriate in various situations.)

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Dealing with Bullies

Okay, I’d love to see everyone here run out and get a book called Take the Bully by the Horns by Sam Horn. Because most of us have had to deal with bullies in our lives—and we didn’t always recognize them as such right away or know what to do about them—and Sam Horn tells us. She tells us how to recognize bullying and what does and doesn’t work.

Warning: You may recognize some of your own behaviors in this book. In part, that’s because some of us who were abused as kids grew up believing there were only two choices—to be bullied or to bully. Sam Horn shows that’s not true. She gives effective techniques to deal with bullies and shows that we do NOT have to become that which we despise in order to be safe. Or, the only kind of interaction that some of us saw growing up was bullying so we never had a chance to learn other options. Either way, if you do recognize any of your own behaviors, you can use this as a chance to realize this isn’t who you want to be and begin to choose other, better behaviors in dealing with others.

I love the things Sam Horn says in Take the Bully by the Horns! How many here have heard, over and over: Always use “I” statements? I feel hurt if.... And how many of you, on a gut level, KNEW it wasn’t working with someone and maybe even made things worse? And how many didn’t trust that gut instinct because the experts—maybe even your own counselors—kept saying that was what you were supposed to do? Well, Sam Horn says quite bluntly that it doesn’t work with bullies and she says why! THANK YOU SAM HORN!!!

Ahem, sorry about that. Truly, though, Horn has written an easy to understand book with very clear steps on how to deal with others. She worries far less about why bullies are bullies and writes far more about what works and why.

Study after study shows that people who were abused as kids are far more likely to either continue to be bullied as adults or to become bullies. This book will help you break the cycle either way. We can be safe and we can be safe without becoming that which we despise.

Note: One very important warning (that isn't in the book). From my own experience and observation, bullies will tend to attack if they either perceive we have self-doubts in a certain area OR if they perceive we have some real strength. BULLIES TAKE OUR GREATEST TALENTS/GIFTS/SKILLS/PERSONALITY TRAITS AND TRY TO MAKE US DOUBT THOSE TALENTS/TRAITS OR THEY TRY TO MAKE US BELIEVE THESE ARE FLAWS. In other words, if someone keeps attacking you about something, consider the possibility it's actually a GOOD thing or you actually are good at whatever the other person says you aren't because the other person is a bully and either jealous or afraid that if you realize just how good a thing it is and/or how good you are at it, they will lose power over you.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

People or Social Skills

One of the things that often comes up for lots of people is the issue of social skills. If we grew up in abusive homes, odds are we had no role models for healthy interaction with others. Our families could not teach us what they did not know!

In addition, abuse of any kind can make us cautious and unwilling to trust or too trusting. We may find ourselves choosing others who also lack social skills, telling ourselves that they won’t notice or care as much. Or we may think we can’t fit in with others who do know what to do.

Here again, we can choose to learn those skills our families couldn’t teach us. We can do so by observing how people, who do so successfully, interact with others.

We can be honest with ourselves about what makes us comfortable and uncomfortable.

We can choose to treat others as they wish to be treated and ask for what makes us happy as well.

We can choose to walk away from people who refuse to treat us with kindness and respect.

We can know what we like (and don’t like!) to do so that we are not always just going along with others but actively deciding what we do with the people we care about in our lives.

We can choose to risk losing people knowing that if we are not true to ourselves, then what’s the point of the relationship anyway?

We can choose not to use “honesty” as a bludgeon or power maneuver with others.

We can choose to take risks, to meet people and talk with them knowing that OF COURSE we’re sometimes going to make mistakes—and so are they!—and recognize that no one has to be perfect.

We can choose to focus on our own growth, rather than trying to get others to change and at the same time we can gently decline to let others try to change us. (Note: If we CHOOSE personal growth, that’s different. We need to do so for ourselves, however, rather than to please others.)

We can ACT AS IF we expect others to like and respond well to us. It’s amazing what a difference that can make and studies bear out the power of doing so.

We can recognize that everyone has their own layers of insecurity and use that not to manipulate others but rather to remind ourselves that it’s okay to sometimes be scared—everyone else is, too, at times. We can use that knowledge to recognize the truth of what’s happening when someone tries to bully us—rather than taking at face value what the other person says.

We can choose to keep learning and growing and creating the lives we want to have—with as much or as little social interaction as we CHOOSE. And that’s the key—to CHOOSE rather than to be driven to it by fear or what other people think we should do.

Wishing for all of you that which makes you happy, the courage to change what you want to change, and reasons to smile every day. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Those Moments

Today I want to write about those moments, the ones where someone says or does something and you feel blindsided, paralyzed, and unable to think of a response. You may realize immediately or it may take you a while to recognize that what’s happened resonates powerfully with something from the past.

It happened to me several times this week and involved both personal and professional situations.

Now the good thing is that none of these paralyzed me to the point that I couldn’t act. Even as the old responses washed through me I could take action and make changes so that the situations won’t recur—at least not with these people. (Mind you, one of these occasions was when it looked like my friend might have had the cancer come back so there wasn’t anything I could do—except be there for her. But at least I could be there for her.)

In a couple of the cases it was tempting to lash out. Doing so would have solved nothing. It was also tempting to try to “explain.” But trying to changing anyone else is a fool’s mission. Besides, the other person’s reality is the other person’s reality—even if it isn’t mine.

What we can do when one of those moments happens is to step back and recognize the experiences with which it’s resonating and:

---We can honor and protect our truest selves—both who we are now and who we were then.
---We can recognize that sometimes loyalty has—and should have!—limits.
---We can refuse to hand our power over to someone else to decide how we should feel about ourselves.
---We can continue to do the things that make us laugh and bring us joy.

I suspect that without the childhood I had, I’d have shrugged off easily the things that happened this week. (Except of course for my friend’s situation with surgery and cancer.)

But we are who we are and it’s important to go from where we are—rather than from where we wish we were. The good thing is that we can. No matter what our past has been like we CAN choose to find ways to be happy NOW and learn new ways to interact with others. No matter what our past has been, we can choose to reclaim NOW our power over our own lives.

Wishing for all of you a smoother week than the one I’ve had. Wishing for all of you the wisdom and resilience to keep working on creating the lives you want to have.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April

Reminders of What Really Matters

Sometimes something happens and it reminds us of what matters and what doesn’t. A dear friend of mine was supposed to have reconstructive surgery this week. She’s finished with chemo and radiation (for breast cancer) and this was the step that would bring her closer to feeling herself again. But...

But they found a spot on her lungs. It turns out that it’s probably just scarring from the radiation or an infection and not cancer returning but for a while there things looked very grim and scary.

It sucks to have been abused. It sucks to have to do the work of processing the experience so that we can move forward in our lives. But this week I find myself thinking not about how life screwed me but rather how lucky I am.

--I don’t have cancer.
--My friend is probably going to be okay.
--I did survive my childhood and I am creating the life I want to have and I can be happy.
--I’m able to see that the differences between me and someone who hasn’t gone through what I did are minor compared to all the ways we’re the same.
--The blessings in my life NOW far outweigh the problems and inherent in every problem or challenge is a chance to grow and perhaps even end up happier than if that problem or challenge had not occurred.

My friend is a thriver, too, having beaten both breast cancer and Hepatitis C. She lives life with laughter and determination even at the worst of times. She reminds me of what really matters.

May all those you care about be thrivers—including YOU. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Pain?

Morris brings up a good point when he asks why I seem to object so much to pain. He makes the point that sometimes it serves him well. Let me try to answer that.

I’m not opposed to pain that gets you somewhere moving forward. And I can see how it can prove to you that you are alive and that you can survive anything.

When I think of pain, I find myself fiercely determined not to do to myself the work of my abusers—in other words, I refuse to hurt myself just to hurt myself. There are certainly times I’m pushing myself hard when I exercise—especially if I’m lifting weights. I do it because I’m determined to be strong enough to protect myself and to be in good enough physical shape to have lots of happy years (after so many unhappy ones).

I’m proud of the fact that growing up I could outride my brothers on the scariest rides at the carnival—because I knew they wanted to see me get sick and there was satisfaction in seeing them get sick instead.

If the pain is a by-product of doing something that makes us stronger and healthier it’s not a bad thing. Pain done for the sake of causing ourselves pain or pain incurred when there is another way to do something, well, that bothers me because it feels too much like accepting we have no choice except to accept pain—something we may have told ourselves while we were being abused. And I’m fiercely against accepting any hurt that isn’t necessary because we do not deserve to be hurt!

If the goal is to feel alive, there are lots of ways to do that other than through pain. If we want to stay grounded in the present, there are lots of ways to do that which can make us laugh and feel happy—it does not have to hurt.

Part of it, I suspect is a gender thing and/or cultural conditioning. Part of it is a refusal, as I said above, to do the work of my abusers for them. Part of it is refusing that cultural conditioning that says we’re supposed to suffer, we’re supposed to be unhappy. If I’m strident about it, well, it’s because I hear so few voices saying this and I know how empowering it is to realize it’s okay to feel good, it’s okay to laugh and be happy.

Wishing all of you whatever helps you grow and move forward and heal and feel strong. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))) as well,
April_optimist

Reprogramming Our Emotional Software Continued...

The biggest thing we can do to change our emotional software and to heal any past trauma is to find ways and reasons to laugh and smile. This is what helps give us resilience when something goes wrong. This is tangible proof to ourselves that it IS possible to (at least sometimes) be happy.

Case in point: Today my computer decided to have a snit fit. Looked, for a while there, as if it was DOA. I use my computer every day. It’s part of my career. I’m in the middle of teaching an online writing course. I NEEDED MY #$(@5^($^% COMPUTER!!!!!

Ahem, sorry about that. The point is that even though I wasn’t happy about what was happening, I didn’t (really) panic. I was able to take steps so that by this point in the afternoon, it’s working again. Mind you, it may not be working for long. I may have to replace either the hard drive or the computer SOON. (It is 4 ½ years old so.....)

I was able to relax and read while waiting for my computer to run through what tech support said it had to do before I could know if it would work again. And I knew that even if it didn’t, I had options and I’d already figured out what the next 3 or 5 or 8 steps were gonna be if this thing didn’t resurrect. I had faith that something WOULD work out right.

That’s huge because for so many years of my life, my default programming was that if something went wrong then EVERYTHING was going to go wrong and everything would be a DISASTER. Not just a minor glitch—a disaster! Now I see it as something merely annoying and I go on knowing that more of my experiences will be good than the other way around. And I know that no matter what I’ll find reasons to laugh and smile today.

Perhaps the biggest change in my emotional software was that I automatically started thinking about what good might come out of all of this—even if I did have a computer I had to replace.

In other words, reprogramming our emotional software isn’t just another chore but rather a means by which we can increase our happiness and have it become something that is automatic so that even without trying every day we will find ourselves laughing and smiling and feeling good.

Wishing that for all of you and sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist