It’s been another busy week. Nothing quite as exciting as last week but a time when I’ve been...observing...my own reaction as I’ve dealt with things.
One of the things I found myself thinking about this week was fear—and what it costs us.
When I look back over my life, every act of self-sabotage happened because of fear. Even now, every time I’m afraid, I’m in danger of acting in ways that will create the circumstances of which I’m most afraid. (Example: If I’m afraid of going to the dentist, I may put it off until problems become serious and because I’m afraid, there will be more adrenaline in my system which will push out the Novocain faster so I am more likely to find the work painful.)(Example: If I’m afraid of being abandoned by someone, I’m likely to keep pressing for reassurance whereas if I can let go then I can just enjoy the relationship I have with that person and it’s more likely to work out in positive ways.)
The paradox is that the optimal strategy is to say to myself: Okay, I’m scared BUT AS AN EXPERIMENT I’m going to let go and trust that everything will all work out.
This isn’t how most of us were raised. This isn’t the strategy most of us developed to cope with abuse as a child. If I try to think too hard about it, I start wondering if I’m out of my freaking mind to think this could work. And yet....
And yet, by observation I know that it does work for me. I do have more time and energy for things I want to do. Things do tend to work out and I am far less likely to sabotage myself in any way. And even when the worst case scenario plays out, because I’m more relaxed I’m much more likely to think of things I wouldn’t if I was still scared.
It works, too, in dealing with friends and family members who tend to get caught up in their own personal dramas. (I used to get sucked in ALL the time!) Now, I step back, remind myself that the optimal strategy is to assume it will all work out and then I can be of most help because MY emotions aren’t caught up in the emotions. This means my brain is working more efficiently and I may be able to see clearly: a) options and (more importantly!) b) where my responsibility begins and ends. I can see that I don’t have to solve everyone’s problems and I can step back and let them solve their own—perhaps offering some suggestions but without any “investment” in whether the person uses my suggestions or not.
The good thing about this strategy is that I don’t have to put lots of time and energy into figuring out the “whys.” I don’t have to know why I’m afraid. I don’t have to know where that fear began. I don’t have to repress that fear. I can acknowledge it, honor it, and then let it go. I can keep moving forward with whatever I need to do.
Sometimes it’s good to just stop and observe how we act and react and consciously choose which strategies we want to keep and which we want to change. There’s power and comfort in knowing we have choices.
Wishing for all of you lots of empowering choices this week!
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Interesting Week
It’s been an...interesting....week. Yes, that’s the word...interesting.
There was the identity theft to deal with. A cancelled credit card, monitoring other accounts, alerting credit bureaus, calls to shut down a fraudulent account elsewhere, calls to get fraudulent charges off the legitimate account.
There was the phone call from my daughter (that woke me up one morning) to say she had hurt her neck and she couldn’t move. (And a day spent helping her and ruling out serious possibilities.)
There was the potential flame war in the online class I’m teaching that had to be put out as soon as it began.
Mind you, there were good things, too. And a choice about where to put my available focus. I say available focus because certain things had to be dealt with. But once they were, I had a choice. I could complain and fuss and keep focusing on how unfortunate these things were and how they were eating up my time OR I could choose to say to myself: Okay, I can handle each of these things. Everything will be okay. Now, what can I do that’s fun now that I have a spare moment?
There is value in running a quick mental check of what it’s useful to do in a given challenging situation. There is even value in considering problems that could arise out of these situations. And then taking steps to deal with the situation and possible future consequences.
There is no value in running scenarios over and over again in our heads and focusing on how horrible they make us feel. There is no value in constantly replaying them—except to notice how well we coped (when we did) and what we might do more effectively next time around.
There is no value in seeing ourselves as victims to whom bad things will continue to happen. There is great power in noting what our strengths were in the situation and building on them. There is even power in noting what was difficult for us and then obtaining information or skills so that next time we might be better prepared.
There is little value in trying to find someone to protect us forever and great value in learning the skills and acquiring the tools we need to protect ourselves.
This past week could have—and in the past might have—felt overwhelming and confirmed in me a sense of victimhood. Instead, it became something that reaffirmed my faith in myself and my ability to cope with life’s challenges.
The scare with my daughter became a chance to spend time together and grow closer.
The situation with identity theft, while not pleasant, ultimately will be a blip in the screen for this month—much less this year or my lifetime.
The potential flame war became a chance to draw the students closer together with a greater appreciation for themselves and what they had to offer each other.
We can’t control what happens to us. We CAN choose, however, how we will respond and where we will put our attention.
There is a certain emotional payoff in being a victim. There is a far greater payoff in seeing ourselves as strong, competent, evolving, resilient individuals.
AND EVERY PERSON READING THIS BLOG SHARES THOSE QUALITIES!
It takes a great deal of strength and courage and resilience to survive abuse. It takes even more to choose to face the past and our fears and shadows and work to heal. The more we see ourselves as having the qualities of strength and resilience and courage and competence, the more likely we are to succeed and the happier the lives will be that we create for ourselves.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
There was the identity theft to deal with. A cancelled credit card, monitoring other accounts, alerting credit bureaus, calls to shut down a fraudulent account elsewhere, calls to get fraudulent charges off the legitimate account.
There was the phone call from my daughter (that woke me up one morning) to say she had hurt her neck and she couldn’t move. (And a day spent helping her and ruling out serious possibilities.)
There was the potential flame war in the online class I’m teaching that had to be put out as soon as it began.
Mind you, there were good things, too. And a choice about where to put my available focus. I say available focus because certain things had to be dealt with. But once they were, I had a choice. I could complain and fuss and keep focusing on how unfortunate these things were and how they were eating up my time OR I could choose to say to myself: Okay, I can handle each of these things. Everything will be okay. Now, what can I do that’s fun now that I have a spare moment?
There is value in running a quick mental check of what it’s useful to do in a given challenging situation. There is even value in considering problems that could arise out of these situations. And then taking steps to deal with the situation and possible future consequences.
There is no value in running scenarios over and over again in our heads and focusing on how horrible they make us feel. There is no value in constantly replaying them—except to notice how well we coped (when we did) and what we might do more effectively next time around.
There is no value in seeing ourselves as victims to whom bad things will continue to happen. There is great power in noting what our strengths were in the situation and building on them. There is even power in noting what was difficult for us and then obtaining information or skills so that next time we might be better prepared.
There is little value in trying to find someone to protect us forever and great value in learning the skills and acquiring the tools we need to protect ourselves.
This past week could have—and in the past might have—felt overwhelming and confirmed in me a sense of victimhood. Instead, it became something that reaffirmed my faith in myself and my ability to cope with life’s challenges.
The scare with my daughter became a chance to spend time together and grow closer.
The situation with identity theft, while not pleasant, ultimately will be a blip in the screen for this month—much less this year or my lifetime.
The potential flame war became a chance to draw the students closer together with a greater appreciation for themselves and what they had to offer each other.
We can’t control what happens to us. We CAN choose, however, how we will respond and where we will put our attention.
There is a certain emotional payoff in being a victim. There is a far greater payoff in seeing ourselves as strong, competent, evolving, resilient individuals.
AND EVERY PERSON READING THIS BLOG SHARES THOSE QUALITIES!
It takes a great deal of strength and courage and resilience to survive abuse. It takes even more to choose to face the past and our fears and shadows and work to heal. The more we see ourselves as having the qualities of strength and resilience and courage and competence, the more likely we are to succeed and the happier the lives will be that we create for ourselves.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Survivor Meme
I’ve been tagged by Kahless at Random Kahlesswith a “Survivor Needs” meme.
Rules:Please link back to the originating meme at Survivors Can Thrive , so people can see its origins, get ideas for their own self-care list, see who’s already been tagged, and maybe we can track how far this meme goes. List 25 needs and 5 wants. Try to restrict your needs list to things that have to do with being a survivor of some sort of abuse, assault, etc. Your list can be anything you want! Use this list to remind yourself to get your needs met this the New Year. Pass on this meme and tag five people to play this meme with you.
25 NEEDS (in no particular order):
1.) sunshine (helps me feel happier)
2.) time alone
3.) time with friends
4.) to be close to my children—if not geographically then emotionally
5.) to be treated with kindness and respect
6.) to have at least one person truly believe in me
7.) to have at least one person truly see and understand what I’ve been through
8.) to have at least one person truly understand how difficult it sometimes is for me to deal with things other people consider so easy to handle
9.) to continue to grow
10.) to have laughter in my life—every day
11.) to write (and give myself the voice I didn't have growing up)
12.) to share my love of writing with others (and know I have something of value to offer)
13.) to have people listen when I say something matters to me
14.) to share in and learn from the wisdom of others
15.) to love wholeheartedly no matter what the other person says or does—and to see the good in them (so that I do not become like my abusers who couldn't love)
16.) to set boundaries and be willing to walk away if the other person will not respect them
17.) to know what I need and honor that—no matter what anyone else thinks I should say or do or feel—and to be willing to say so
18.) to be able to truly honor and respect and believe in myself
19.) good, healthy food
20.) time to honor my spiritual self and my spiritual journey
21.) a spiritual community to be part of
22.) to be financially secure (fear of not being able to take care of my financial needs kept me in situations I should have walked away from much sooner)
23.) to exercise in ways that are fun and keep me in good health
24.) to honor my body and lovingly take care of it including going to the dentist and doctor for regular checkups and care (something that used to be hard for me when I hated it and blamed it for betraying me)
25.) to protect myself even as I open myself to new friendships and put myself out into the world in ways I haven’t done before
5 WANTS
1.) a new book contract
2.) a sheltie or collie puppy
3.) time by the ocean
4.) to see people to treat each other with kindness and respect and understanding
5.) a partner in my life who will love me and treat me with kindness and respect who
6.) to share the things that helped me as I made my healing journey
I can love and respect, someone who would truly enrich my life
The final part of this I’m clueless about. I have no idea who to tag since it seems that everyone I know has already been tagged. Perhaps...
1) Gypsy Heart
2) Lynn
3) Alex Marlin
4) Rebecca
5) Casey
6) anyone reading this who hasn’t already done the meme and would like to do so
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Rules:Please link back to the originating meme at Survivors Can Thrive , so people can see its origins, get ideas for their own self-care list, see who’s already been tagged, and maybe we can track how far this meme goes. List 25 needs and 5 wants. Try to restrict your needs list to things that have to do with being a survivor of some sort of abuse, assault, etc. Your list can be anything you want! Use this list to remind yourself to get your needs met this the New Year. Pass on this meme and tag five people to play this meme with you.
25 NEEDS (in no particular order):
1.) sunshine (helps me feel happier)
2.) time alone
3.) time with friends
4.) to be close to my children—if not geographically then emotionally
5.) to be treated with kindness and respect
6.) to have at least one person truly believe in me
7.) to have at least one person truly see and understand what I’ve been through
8.) to have at least one person truly understand how difficult it sometimes is for me to deal with things other people consider so easy to handle
9.) to continue to grow
10.) to have laughter in my life—every day
11.) to write (and give myself the voice I didn't have growing up)
12.) to share my love of writing with others (and know I have something of value to offer)
13.) to have people listen when I say something matters to me
14.) to share in and learn from the wisdom of others
15.) to love wholeheartedly no matter what the other person says or does—and to see the good in them (so that I do not become like my abusers who couldn't love)
16.) to set boundaries and be willing to walk away if the other person will not respect them
17.) to know what I need and honor that—no matter what anyone else thinks I should say or do or feel—and to be willing to say so
18.) to be able to truly honor and respect and believe in myself
19.) good, healthy food
20.) time to honor my spiritual self and my spiritual journey
21.) a spiritual community to be part of
22.) to be financially secure (fear of not being able to take care of my financial needs kept me in situations I should have walked away from much sooner)
23.) to exercise in ways that are fun and keep me in good health
24.) to honor my body and lovingly take care of it including going to the dentist and doctor for regular checkups and care (something that used to be hard for me when I hated it and blamed it for betraying me)
25.) to protect myself even as I open myself to new friendships and put myself out into the world in ways I haven’t done before
5 WANTS
1.) a new book contract
2.) a sheltie or collie puppy
3.) time by the ocean
4.) to see people to treat each other with kindness and respect and understanding
5.) a partner in my life who will love me and treat me with kindness and respect who
6.) to share the things that helped me as I made my healing journey
I can love and respect, someone who would truly enrich my life
The final part of this I’m clueless about. I have no idea who to tag since it seems that everyone I know has already been tagged. Perhaps...
1) Gypsy Heart
2) Lynn
3) Alex Marlin
4) Rebecca
5) Casey
6) anyone reading this who hasn’t already done the meme and would like to do so
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Confessions of a Dental Coward
I had an...interesting...weekend. A back tooth broke on Friday night and it turned out my dentist’s office was closed until Monday. Coward that I am, that gave me 2 days to worry (all right, let’s be honest, panic...) about what it would mean when I did go in. Add to that some difficult personal issues to deal with and...well...let’s just say it wasn’t the best of weekends.
Monday morning I called my dentist’s office bright and early. They told me to come right in and sure enough they told me I would need a crown—my first. I did what any self-respecting coward would—I told the dentist that previous dentists had had trouble numbing my teeth and that I was just warning him that I was a terrible coward when it came to dental work. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t pooh, pooh my concerns. He quite seriously assured me that he would make sure the tooth was numb, would stop at any moment if I was in pain, and that it would be okay.
He was as good as his word. Mind you, I’m not thrilled at how much dental work costs. I’m not thrilled I needed the dental work at all. Of course it helped that I did deep, calming breathing as I waited and soothing images while he worked but....still. I am profoundly grateful he listened and was so respectful of my concerns. And that’s why I’m sharing this story.
Lots of people are cowards when it comes to dental work. For survivors of abuse, there’s something more at work, though I’ve never been able to properly explain—even to myself—what that is. I do know that I’ve had times in my life when it was impossible to get myself to go to the dentist at all.
I tell this story because I think it’s important. I think we’re often afraid to tell people we’re scared. It feels like it makes us too vulnerable. And I’m not suggesting telling everyone we meet what our vulnerabilities might be! What I am suggesting is that we are not always powerless. We can tell doctors and dentists if we feel scared. If they are not respectful about how hard the experience is for us, we can look for other doctors and dentists.
In my life, I have been impressed with how often people have reacted with kindness and understanding when I have shared a vulnerability. I hope it gives hope and encouragement to others to know this because we all have to deal with doctors and dentists—at least sometimes.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Monday morning I called my dentist’s office bright and early. They told me to come right in and sure enough they told me I would need a crown—my first. I did what any self-respecting coward would—I told the dentist that previous dentists had had trouble numbing my teeth and that I was just warning him that I was a terrible coward when it came to dental work. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t pooh, pooh my concerns. He quite seriously assured me that he would make sure the tooth was numb, would stop at any moment if I was in pain, and that it would be okay.
He was as good as his word. Mind you, I’m not thrilled at how much dental work costs. I’m not thrilled I needed the dental work at all. Of course it helped that I did deep, calming breathing as I waited and soothing images while he worked but....still. I am profoundly grateful he listened and was so respectful of my concerns. And that’s why I’m sharing this story.
Lots of people are cowards when it comes to dental work. For survivors of abuse, there’s something more at work, though I’ve never been able to properly explain—even to myself—what that is. I do know that I’ve had times in my life when it was impossible to get myself to go to the dentist at all.
I tell this story because I think it’s important. I think we’re often afraid to tell people we’re scared. It feels like it makes us too vulnerable. And I’m not suggesting telling everyone we meet what our vulnerabilities might be! What I am suggesting is that we are not always powerless. We can tell doctors and dentists if we feel scared. If they are not respectful about how hard the experience is for us, we can look for other doctors and dentists.
In my life, I have been impressed with how often people have reacted with kindness and understanding when I have shared a vulnerability. I hope it gives hope and encouragement to others to know this because we all have to deal with doctors and dentists—at least sometimes.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Thursday, January 10, 2008
No Words
It’s been a while since I posted. For the last few days the words just weren’t there—which is a strange and scary feeling for a writer!
Part of it is that my online writing class started (the one I’m teaching) and there were some glitches that took a lot of energy and email and even some phone calls to straighten out. I also found that I needed to revise my planned lessons as I got a feel for the composition of the group.
Part of it is also that I find myself in a time of growth and that in itself can be tiring. Not a bad thing, just means I need more rest as I process this new sense of self.
I remember when I first was working with the counselor who I believe saved my life—both literally and figuratively. I must have indicated I wanted all this “stuff” over with in a short period of time because he commented that I was on a lifelong journey of growth. I have to say that really freaked me out. No way did I want to feel like THAT forever!
Now, in retrospect, I can see that a) he was right and b) it isn’t scary, it’s exciting. (Even at the time I was pretty sure that if he said it, it was true—I just didn’t want to believe it!)
Now I see that this lifelong journey is a good thing. I DON’T feel awful, the way I did at that stage of growth. Now I smile as I realize I’m going through a growing phase. I look forward with anticipation to the new good things it will bring into my life. It’s just a bit tiring, too, and I sometimes need to remind myself of that wonderful (and so true!) saying: The middle of change often looks like chaos.
I hope that each of you are finding moments of joy in the midst of your journeys of growth. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Part of it is that my online writing class started (the one I’m teaching) and there were some glitches that took a lot of energy and email and even some phone calls to straighten out. I also found that I needed to revise my planned lessons as I got a feel for the composition of the group.
Part of it is also that I find myself in a time of growth and that in itself can be tiring. Not a bad thing, just means I need more rest as I process this new sense of self.
I remember when I first was working with the counselor who I believe saved my life—both literally and figuratively. I must have indicated I wanted all this “stuff” over with in a short period of time because he commented that I was on a lifelong journey of growth. I have to say that really freaked me out. No way did I want to feel like THAT forever!
Now, in retrospect, I can see that a) he was right and b) it isn’t scary, it’s exciting. (Even at the time I was pretty sure that if he said it, it was true—I just didn’t want to believe it!)
Now I see that this lifelong journey is a good thing. I DON’T feel awful, the way I did at that stage of growth. Now I smile as I realize I’m going through a growing phase. I look forward with anticipation to the new good things it will bring into my life. It’s just a bit tiring, too, and I sometimes need to remind myself of that wonderful (and so true!) saying: The middle of change often looks like chaos.
I hope that each of you are finding moments of joy in the midst of your journeys of growth. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Pragmatic Optimism
I’m a pragmatist. My training and degrees are in mathematics. Bottom line for me is: Does this work?
I spent much of my life a pessimist—sure life sucked and always would for me. And it did. I worked on healing and was in intense pain while I did so. Life was scary and I hated myself and my relationships were not healthy.
It’s only in retrospect that I realized there was a whole other—and far easier and better—way to do things. That’s when I deliberately became an optimist. Now the healing that hadn’t been working started to work. Now my life began getting better. Now I found myself—finally!—moving forward. I actually began making real, concrete changes in my life that worked. I actually stopped being afraid. My life actually got good.
So I’m trying to look back and take apart what happened and describe it here.
1) I realized that I couldn’t force myself to do anything. I didn’t work that way. I had to WANT to do it and believe that I could. Which meant I needed to....
2) Work on believing in myself. That’s when I began making lists of successes in my life and what I was good at. Reasons to believe I could and would succeed. Which meant...
3) When there was something I needed to face or a change I needed to make, I looked at possible ways to do it and asked myself: Which step uses my strengths and talents? Which one feels like something I can do? That doesn’t mean the step was easy or fun, it means I chose the one that was EASIEST of possibly a bunch of difficult steps. And to motivate myself...
4) I knew that browbeating myself didn’t work. What would? Creating some kind of reward for myself each time I did something difficult. Example: When I went to see my therapist, on the way home—EVERY TIME—I would do something that made me smile—no matter how crappy I felt. I did that because otherwise I would never have kept going. Therapy was just too damn scary and hard if I didn’t build in some kind of reward. (And oh, yeah, as I’d get to the office, before I walked in, I’d take a deep breath and go over my list of reasons to believe I could succeed.) Even that wouldn’t have been enough if I didn’t.....
5) Visualize. I would imagine succeeding. I would imagine being free of the pain. I would imagine believing in myself. I would imagine standing up to the things that scared me. I would imagine being happy. And that helped give me the courage to go on. The funny thing is....
6) The more I did this—choosing to be an optimist, choosing to believe I could succeed, choosing to build in rewards—the easier things did get and the more progress I made. I actually began to be happy. First in short moments, then in minutes, hours, and finally days. Now, when faced with anything I don’t want to do I....
7) Imagine succeeding. Break it down into steps and ask myself which I can picture myself doing with the least resistance. Figure out how to make it fun OR how to build in some kind of reward. I focus on the good that could come out of the situation—no matter how awful it seems in that moment. And I do that because....
8) I’m a pragmatist. Of all the things I’ve tried, optimism is the only thing that ever worked. And I’ve faced awful things in my life. So terrible that I sometimes feel like: How can I be me when this happened to me? But I am. Because looking back, even in the depths of my pessimism, there was a part of me just too blasted stubborn to give up. There was a part of me determined to find a way to succeed—if only so I could thumb my nose at those who told me I never would.
The process of recovering from abuse will never be easy. I knew that early on. But I decided one day that just because other people had hurt me it didn’t mean I had to keep hurting myself. I decided that I didn’t give a damn what other people thought I should do or changes they thought I should make. I was going to heal MY way—which meant finding the least painful route through the process. I was going to believe I was going to be able to heal—no matter what anyone else believed, therapist or not. I was going to build rewards into every darned painful step of the way—so that I wouldn’t be tempted to stop because THAT would have been easier in the short run. I decided to focus on where I wanted to be with my life so that short term temporary satisfaction wouldn’t tempt me to give up on the steps I needed to take to get to where I wanted to be.
I couldn’t have made it, wouldn’t have made it without cold-bloodedly choosing to be an optimist. I’d have ended up dead—by my own hand. I say that bluntly with absolute certainty. What saved me was each time refusing to think of how and instead making lists of reasons not to. I look back and know how close I came—over and over and over again.
I’d still be stuck in the middle of the nightmare of what was once my life if I hadn’t found a way to build rewards into the process of growing and healing. I wouldn’t be where I am—happy NOW—if I hadn’t made a deliberate decision to find someway, no matter how hard it was, to find a reason to laugh at least 3 times a day, every day, no matter what was happening—and the worse the day, the more important it was to do this.
I hope this clarifies somewhat the things I was trying to say in my last couple of posts.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I spent much of my life a pessimist—sure life sucked and always would for me. And it did. I worked on healing and was in intense pain while I did so. Life was scary and I hated myself and my relationships were not healthy.
It’s only in retrospect that I realized there was a whole other—and far easier and better—way to do things. That’s when I deliberately became an optimist. Now the healing that hadn’t been working started to work. Now my life began getting better. Now I found myself—finally!—moving forward. I actually began making real, concrete changes in my life that worked. I actually stopped being afraid. My life actually got good.
So I’m trying to look back and take apart what happened and describe it here.
1) I realized that I couldn’t force myself to do anything. I didn’t work that way. I had to WANT to do it and believe that I could. Which meant I needed to....
2) Work on believing in myself. That’s when I began making lists of successes in my life and what I was good at. Reasons to believe I could and would succeed. Which meant...
3) When there was something I needed to face or a change I needed to make, I looked at possible ways to do it and asked myself: Which step uses my strengths and talents? Which one feels like something I can do? That doesn’t mean the step was easy or fun, it means I chose the one that was EASIEST of possibly a bunch of difficult steps. And to motivate myself...
4) I knew that browbeating myself didn’t work. What would? Creating some kind of reward for myself each time I did something difficult. Example: When I went to see my therapist, on the way home—EVERY TIME—I would do something that made me smile—no matter how crappy I felt. I did that because otherwise I would never have kept going. Therapy was just too damn scary and hard if I didn’t build in some kind of reward. (And oh, yeah, as I’d get to the office, before I walked in, I’d take a deep breath and go over my list of reasons to believe I could succeed.) Even that wouldn’t have been enough if I didn’t.....
5) Visualize. I would imagine succeeding. I would imagine being free of the pain. I would imagine believing in myself. I would imagine standing up to the things that scared me. I would imagine being happy. And that helped give me the courage to go on. The funny thing is....
6) The more I did this—choosing to be an optimist, choosing to believe I could succeed, choosing to build in rewards—the easier things did get and the more progress I made. I actually began to be happy. First in short moments, then in minutes, hours, and finally days. Now, when faced with anything I don’t want to do I....
7) Imagine succeeding. Break it down into steps and ask myself which I can picture myself doing with the least resistance. Figure out how to make it fun OR how to build in some kind of reward. I focus on the good that could come out of the situation—no matter how awful it seems in that moment. And I do that because....
8) I’m a pragmatist. Of all the things I’ve tried, optimism is the only thing that ever worked. And I’ve faced awful things in my life. So terrible that I sometimes feel like: How can I be me when this happened to me? But I am. Because looking back, even in the depths of my pessimism, there was a part of me just too blasted stubborn to give up. There was a part of me determined to find a way to succeed—if only so I could thumb my nose at those who told me I never would.
The process of recovering from abuse will never be easy. I knew that early on. But I decided one day that just because other people had hurt me it didn’t mean I had to keep hurting myself. I decided that I didn’t give a damn what other people thought I should do or changes they thought I should make. I was going to heal MY way—which meant finding the least painful route through the process. I was going to believe I was going to be able to heal—no matter what anyone else believed, therapist or not. I was going to build rewards into every darned painful step of the way—so that I wouldn’t be tempted to stop because THAT would have been easier in the short run. I decided to focus on where I wanted to be with my life so that short term temporary satisfaction wouldn’t tempt me to give up on the steps I needed to take to get to where I wanted to be.
I couldn’t have made it, wouldn’t have made it without cold-bloodedly choosing to be an optimist. I’d have ended up dead—by my own hand. I say that bluntly with absolute certainty. What saved me was each time refusing to think of how and instead making lists of reasons not to. I look back and know how close I came—over and over and over again.
I’d still be stuck in the middle of the nightmare of what was once my life if I hadn’t found a way to build rewards into the process of growing and healing. I wouldn’t be where I am—happy NOW—if I hadn’t made a deliberate decision to find someway, no matter how hard it was, to find a reason to laugh at least 3 times a day, every day, no matter what was happening—and the worse the day, the more important it was to do this.
I hope this clarifies somewhat the things I was trying to say in my last couple of posts.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Friday, January 04, 2008
Changes the Easy Way
Karma asked a good question that made me realize my last post was incomplete. I said we did best when we chose the path that was easiest. I left out one very important aspect to that advice!
Step 1: Decide changes we’d like to make in our lives.
Step 2: Look at possible steps to take that would help us move closer to where we want to be with those changes.
Step 3: Of the possible steps, choose the one that feels easiest, that feels like it might even be fun, the one that feels like something we can do.
Step 4: Take the action(s) we chose in Step 3.
It’s natural to want to be safe if there was ever a time in our lives when we really, really weren’t safe. We may find that it’s at the top of our list of priorities! And it is something very wonderful and something to be profoundly grateful for when we achieve it.
The challenge is that safety is often in direct conflict (or feels as if it is) with other goals we have. So the trick is to find a way to move forward that doesn’t require giving up safety all at once as we reach for our other goals.
One can’t be laughing and happy and having fun and be scared at the same time. That’s one reason finding steps toward our goals that incorporate fun can let us bring safety along even as we move in the direction we want to take. And as we succeed with those first steps, we are likely to feel stronger and more self-confident and taking the next few steps may feel like something we can do—even if they didn’t before.
If we are passionate about what we are doing, odds are that things which would otherwise scare us don’t—because we’re so focused on what we want to accomplish.
If we like the people we’re with when we’re doing something, it makes it easier to do new things—knowing they will support us. (If they won’t and what we want to do is important to us, it may be time to look for new friends!)
What I’m saying is that I know the desire to be safe. It’s one of my top priorities—even if I sometimes wish I could move it lower down on the list. The good news is that from my own experience I know there are ways to achieve those other goals without giving up safety. Not by attacking them head on doing the scariest thing first—at least not for me. That wouldn’t work—not for me. But by finding a path that is increasingly fun and involves something I care passionately about, it’s as if I bring my safety with me and I can move forward in ways I might once have thought were impossible.
Wishing for each of you paths of joy that lead you forward into the lives you want to have. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Step 1: Decide changes we’d like to make in our lives.
Step 2: Look at possible steps to take that would help us move closer to where we want to be with those changes.
Step 3: Of the possible steps, choose the one that feels easiest, that feels like it might even be fun, the one that feels like something we can do.
Step 4: Take the action(s) we chose in Step 3.
It’s natural to want to be safe if there was ever a time in our lives when we really, really weren’t safe. We may find that it’s at the top of our list of priorities! And it is something very wonderful and something to be profoundly grateful for when we achieve it.
The challenge is that safety is often in direct conflict (or feels as if it is) with other goals we have. So the trick is to find a way to move forward that doesn’t require giving up safety all at once as we reach for our other goals.
One can’t be laughing and happy and having fun and be scared at the same time. That’s one reason finding steps toward our goals that incorporate fun can let us bring safety along even as we move in the direction we want to take. And as we succeed with those first steps, we are likely to feel stronger and more self-confident and taking the next few steps may feel like something we can do—even if they didn’t before.
If we are passionate about what we are doing, odds are that things which would otherwise scare us don’t—because we’re so focused on what we want to accomplish.
If we like the people we’re with when we’re doing something, it makes it easier to do new things—knowing they will support us. (If they won’t and what we want to do is important to us, it may be time to look for new friends!)
What I’m saying is that I know the desire to be safe. It’s one of my top priorities—even if I sometimes wish I could move it lower down on the list. The good news is that from my own experience I know there are ways to achieve those other goals without giving up safety. Not by attacking them head on doing the scariest thing first—at least not for me. That wouldn’t work—not for me. But by finding a path that is increasingly fun and involves something I care passionately about, it’s as if I bring my safety with me and I can move forward in ways I might once have thought were impossible.
Wishing for each of you paths of joy that lead you forward into the lives you want to have. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Monday, December 31, 2007
Christmas to New Year's Day
The week between Christmas and New Year’s Day is always a time of quiet and reflection for me. The shopping and baking and decorating are all done and I can relax and enjoy what feels like a moment suspended in time.
I like to look back. Once upon a time, it was looking back in frustration and anger at myself that I hadn’t done things I thought I should have gotten done. These days, I look back remembering the moments of joy, celebrating how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown—and the possibilities ahead of me.
These days I’m at peace knowing that if I listen to my heart and that intangible SOMETHING that seems to guide me, then I know all will be well. I’m at peace, able to know from (hard won) experience that no matter what things look like in a given moment, something good can come of it—and is most likely to do so if I cherish who I am and believe in myself and just relax into whatever the challenge may be.
I know that sounds odd. We’re taught—most of us—that things are supposed to be difficult, we’re supposed to strain ourselves to achieve success, and that if we don’t chastise ourselves for every perceived failing, we’ll never get anywhere! (And if you read here, you may well have also been taught that YOU couldn’t possibly do it anyway!)
What I have discovered is that the opposite is true. I’ve discovered—and thank God I have!—that the path that feels easiest, the one we’re most drawn to, is likely to be the best. When we are happiest and most relaxed is when we are most likely to be able to think of things that will actually work! When we believe in ourselves, accept who we are and work with our natural strengths and accept and allow for the weaknesses as part of who we are, that’s when we are most likely to succeed.
Note: When I say take the easiest path, I do NOT mean doing nothing! That may seem like the easiest path but in the long run costs us the most. Instead, I mean asking ourselves: If I took a step, an action, made a choice, what would be the easiest and feel the most natural and right for ME? Never mind what anyone else would do or what would be right for them—what’s right for ME?
As you look back, what are the moments from this past year that make you smile? How can you create more of those experiences in your life in the coming year?
When you look ahead, what are the possibilities that make you smile? Hold those images as vividly as you can in your mind for that’s what will motivate you to take the steps to make it happen.
All of you are a blessing in my life. One of the things that makes ME smile is the possibility that maybe, just maybe someone’s life will be easier or happier or the person will believe in him or herself just a little more because of something I’ve written.
I hope the year ahead brings all of you so very much health, happiness, and success at whatever you want most! Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I like to look back. Once upon a time, it was looking back in frustration and anger at myself that I hadn’t done things I thought I should have gotten done. These days, I look back remembering the moments of joy, celebrating how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown—and the possibilities ahead of me.
These days I’m at peace knowing that if I listen to my heart and that intangible SOMETHING that seems to guide me, then I know all will be well. I’m at peace, able to know from (hard won) experience that no matter what things look like in a given moment, something good can come of it—and is most likely to do so if I cherish who I am and believe in myself and just relax into whatever the challenge may be.
I know that sounds odd. We’re taught—most of us—that things are supposed to be difficult, we’re supposed to strain ourselves to achieve success, and that if we don’t chastise ourselves for every perceived failing, we’ll never get anywhere! (And if you read here, you may well have also been taught that YOU couldn’t possibly do it anyway!)
What I have discovered is that the opposite is true. I’ve discovered—and thank God I have!—that the path that feels easiest, the one we’re most drawn to, is likely to be the best. When we are happiest and most relaxed is when we are most likely to be able to think of things that will actually work! When we believe in ourselves, accept who we are and work with our natural strengths and accept and allow for the weaknesses as part of who we are, that’s when we are most likely to succeed.
Note: When I say take the easiest path, I do NOT mean doing nothing! That may seem like the easiest path but in the long run costs us the most. Instead, I mean asking ourselves: If I took a step, an action, made a choice, what would be the easiest and feel the most natural and right for ME? Never mind what anyone else would do or what would be right for them—what’s right for ME?
As you look back, what are the moments from this past year that make you smile? How can you create more of those experiences in your life in the coming year?
When you look ahead, what are the possibilities that make you smile? Hold those images as vividly as you can in your mind for that’s what will motivate you to take the steps to make it happen.
All of you are a blessing in my life. One of the things that makes ME smile is the possibility that maybe, just maybe someone’s life will be easier or happier or the person will believe in him or herself just a little more because of something I’ve written.
I hope the year ahead brings all of you so very much health, happiness, and success at whatever you want most! Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Christmas--Both Merry and Otherwise
Christmas is a complicated time for many. It is for me. My father died on Christmas Eve. Given the intensity of my feelings—both positive and negative—that cannot help but impact how I feel at this time of year.
The funny thing is that I always forget. I wake up on Christmas Eve depressed and grouchy and at first I always wonder why. Then I remember. And realize how it’s affected me for days.
Once I remember, I can make my peace with it. I light candles. I let myself remember the love. I remind myself I have overcome the effects of the damage he did. I let him go with love, honoring what he gave me that was good and wishing he had not been such a damaged, hurting soul himself. I bless his spirit and pray for its healing even as I blow out the candle I lit for him.
And then I go on with Christmas.
This year, I had a quiet Christmas with my daughter and then put her on a plane to see her friends. We are closer now than I would once have believed possible.
Christmas used to be difficult. I would feel as if I was walking on eggshells, sure I would forget something essential, or that a fight would erupt in my home. Then one day I realized I could create new traditions, that I didn’t have to do what everyone—or even anyone—else did. I could choose what was right for me. I could let it be imperfect and know that was still okay. I could take time to remember good moments of the past year and smile. I could count my blessings instead of my fears or sense of lack. I could send ecards (thank heavens for the internet!) to people who were important to me to whom I hadn’t sent physical cards. I could take time for moments that made ME happy—no matter what my family was clamoring for me to do.
I hope that today—and every day—brings you at least moments of peace and joy. And I hope that the year ahead brings all of us health, happiness, and much success.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
The funny thing is that I always forget. I wake up on Christmas Eve depressed and grouchy and at first I always wonder why. Then I remember. And realize how it’s affected me for days.
Once I remember, I can make my peace with it. I light candles. I let myself remember the love. I remind myself I have overcome the effects of the damage he did. I let him go with love, honoring what he gave me that was good and wishing he had not been such a damaged, hurting soul himself. I bless his spirit and pray for its healing even as I blow out the candle I lit for him.
And then I go on with Christmas.
This year, I had a quiet Christmas with my daughter and then put her on a plane to see her friends. We are closer now than I would once have believed possible.
Christmas used to be difficult. I would feel as if I was walking on eggshells, sure I would forget something essential, or that a fight would erupt in my home. Then one day I realized I could create new traditions, that I didn’t have to do what everyone—or even anyone—else did. I could choose what was right for me. I could let it be imperfect and know that was still okay. I could take time to remember good moments of the past year and smile. I could count my blessings instead of my fears or sense of lack. I could send ecards (thank heavens for the internet!) to people who were important to me to whom I hadn’t sent physical cards. I could take time for moments that made ME happy—no matter what my family was clamoring for me to do.
I hope that today—and every day—brings you at least moments of peace and joy. And I hope that the year ahead brings all of us health, happiness, and much success.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Ourselves, Version 2.2
Someone asked how one makes changes when one doesn’t know where to start. I have an opinion, of course. I believe the answer is always moving in the direction of smiling more often, having more fun, and feeling genuinely good. Not the momentary good of splurging on something we want or eating some treat. I’m talking about the kind of feeling good that lasts.
It’s taking a good, hard look at ourselves and seeing when have we felt truly good about ourselves—and doing more of it. It’s listening to that inner guidance that says: This is right—no matter what other people believe we should think or say or do.
It’s making changes by making sure we like what we’re doing. Example: If your goal is to get out more, start by asking yourself what you really enjoy doing. If you don’t know, decide to experiment knowing that if some things don’t work out, that’s okay. Set up rewards when you do something that’s hard for you—rather than beating yourself up if you don’t. If your goal is to be more giving, choose ways that will make you feel good—no matter what anyone else does or doesn’t do—rather than because you think it’s a cause you should support. If you’re trying to get yourself to do something you think you need or should do, ask yourself: What might make me WANT to do this? How can I make it fun—or if it can’t be (think going to the dentist), then what could I do afterwards as a reward that would make me smile or laugh?
What does all of this have to do with becoming a better person? Everything! If you stop and think about it, odds are you’ll realize that every time you’ve done (or not done) something you regretted, it was because you were afraid. If you’re smiling, anticipating something good, or laughing, it’s hard to imagine also being afraid. If you KNOW you can create moments of happiness for yourself, then the actions or words of others have much less power to intimidate you and you’re less likely to do or cling to things (or people) that are not healthy for you.
I know that in my own life, the times I’ve made the worst mistakes, taken actions or said things I regret, it was because I was afraid. When I feel safe and happy I don’t do that. I don’t need to. The more I’ve discovered my own strength, the more I’ve found my ability to create happy moments in my life, the easier it is to do new things, to be kind toward others, to love people and—when necessary—to let them go and truly be able to bless them. And the lovely thing I’ve discovered is that as I change what I do, others change how they respond to me. I don’t have to twist myself into a pretzel to be who someone else wants me to be and at the same time I can let them be who they are—which means I’m less likely to trigger the other person’s fears and they can be kinder and more accepting of me. I’m discovering that neither I nor anyone else has to be perfect to be worth knowing and caring about and wanting to have in my life.
It’s a process, of course. One I get better at with practice. And as you can see from my recent blogs, I don’t always succeed—at least not instantly. But I recover more quickly these days.
It’s not how most of us were raised—to look for ways to be happy and appreciate ourselves. We were taught, most of us, to believe that anything worth doing had to be difficult. I believe just the opposite—that the safer and happier we feel, the faster and better we’ll do whatever it is we want and need to do.
Here’s hoping that each of you are able to find lots of reasons to smile this week and to appreciate the best of who you are.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
It’s taking a good, hard look at ourselves and seeing when have we felt truly good about ourselves—and doing more of it. It’s listening to that inner guidance that says: This is right—no matter what other people believe we should think or say or do.
It’s making changes by making sure we like what we’re doing. Example: If your goal is to get out more, start by asking yourself what you really enjoy doing. If you don’t know, decide to experiment knowing that if some things don’t work out, that’s okay. Set up rewards when you do something that’s hard for you—rather than beating yourself up if you don’t. If your goal is to be more giving, choose ways that will make you feel good—no matter what anyone else does or doesn’t do—rather than because you think it’s a cause you should support. If you’re trying to get yourself to do something you think you need or should do, ask yourself: What might make me WANT to do this? How can I make it fun—or if it can’t be (think going to the dentist), then what could I do afterwards as a reward that would make me smile or laugh?
What does all of this have to do with becoming a better person? Everything! If you stop and think about it, odds are you’ll realize that every time you’ve done (or not done) something you regretted, it was because you were afraid. If you’re smiling, anticipating something good, or laughing, it’s hard to imagine also being afraid. If you KNOW you can create moments of happiness for yourself, then the actions or words of others have much less power to intimidate you and you’re less likely to do or cling to things (or people) that are not healthy for you.
I know that in my own life, the times I’ve made the worst mistakes, taken actions or said things I regret, it was because I was afraid. When I feel safe and happy I don’t do that. I don’t need to. The more I’ve discovered my own strength, the more I’ve found my ability to create happy moments in my life, the easier it is to do new things, to be kind toward others, to love people and—when necessary—to let them go and truly be able to bless them. And the lovely thing I’ve discovered is that as I change what I do, others change how they respond to me. I don’t have to twist myself into a pretzel to be who someone else wants me to be and at the same time I can let them be who they are—which means I’m less likely to trigger the other person’s fears and they can be kinder and more accepting of me. I’m discovering that neither I nor anyone else has to be perfect to be worth knowing and caring about and wanting to have in my life.
It’s a process, of course. One I get better at with practice. And as you can see from my recent blogs, I don’t always succeed—at least not instantly. But I recover more quickly these days.
It’s not how most of us were raised—to look for ways to be happy and appreciate ourselves. We were taught, most of us, to believe that anything worth doing had to be difficult. I believe just the opposite—that the safer and happier we feel, the faster and better we’ll do whatever it is we want and need to do.
Here’s hoping that each of you are able to find lots of reasons to smile this week and to appreciate the best of who you are.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Sunday, December 16, 2007
The Poison Apple of Self-Pity
Rereading my last post I feel the need to reiterate that it wasn’t and isn’t about self-pity. Self-pity is like a poison apple. It may temporarily taste good but it’s still poison.
The reason to look at things like what I wrote about last time is to learn to recognize patterns. OUR patterns. What mistakes are WE making? What could we do differently in the future? What different results do we want next time around?
Example: So much of my unhappiness could have been avoided if I had simply asked people if they had said what my ex claimed. Or if I hadn’t cared what other people were saying. I love what Wayne Dyer says: “What you think of me is none of my business.”
And that’s the key. We need to find a way to value who we are—and if we don’t like something then change it. Then we are not vulnerable to what anyone else says or thinks because we know that no one can be liked or valued by everyone. Ultimately, it’s the only thing that matters. No matter how much someone else likes or approves of us, it won’t be enough if we don’t like ourselves.
Now, I’m starting from a position of belief that every person is worth loving and that finding that ability to love oneself is the best insurance that one will neither abuse anyone else nor tolerate abuse. It is in finding our own strength and value that we find the only emotional anchor that really matters in the long run. A good therapist can help us let go of the lies we were told and see the good in ourselves that we cannot see without that help. And ideally we internalize those things so that we believe them whether or not anyone is around to tell us. (Note: We also are then far more likely to surround ourselves with other people who see the good in us.)
In a way it comes down to results. Do we have a right to feel self-pity? Of course! Will it get us what we want? No, because it makes us hostages to what others do and say. It reinforces our sense of helplessness.
I believe that the only way we find both the courage and wisdom to make changes that will make our life better is when we believe it’s possible. And that means focusing on our strengths and our ability to change what we don’t like. It means being honest with ourselves and if there are skills we need that we don’t have, choosing to acquire those skills—whether it means doing research, taking classes, talking to people who know what we want to learn or ....whatever it takes.
I look at the things I wrote about in my last post and know already things I will do differently should I ever find myself in a similar position in the future. But I don’t think it’s likely to happen because I’m not likely to ever feel trapped or without options. I’ve learned to know myself too well to believe that ever again. I’m too well grounded in liking myself to care whether or not someone else understands or approves of the choices I make or who I am.
Why look at the past at all? To recognize and let go of any lingering lies about myself or the world around me (including friends) that I may not have realized I still held. To notice what my past pattern of handling something was so that I can plan for how I want to handle things differently in the future. (After all, if we keep doing the same thing, odds are we will get the same results and I’m still rewriting my future.)
I can look at the past and look at what has been good and know that those things go on my list of what I’d like to have in my life in the future. I can look at the things that didn’t serve me well and ask myself what would be better.
Here’s hoping that each of you are on your own path to creating the life you want to live. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
The reason to look at things like what I wrote about last time is to learn to recognize patterns. OUR patterns. What mistakes are WE making? What could we do differently in the future? What different results do we want next time around?
Example: So much of my unhappiness could have been avoided if I had simply asked people if they had said what my ex claimed. Or if I hadn’t cared what other people were saying. I love what Wayne Dyer says: “What you think of me is none of my business.”
And that’s the key. We need to find a way to value who we are—and if we don’t like something then change it. Then we are not vulnerable to what anyone else says or thinks because we know that no one can be liked or valued by everyone. Ultimately, it’s the only thing that matters. No matter how much someone else likes or approves of us, it won’t be enough if we don’t like ourselves.
Now, I’m starting from a position of belief that every person is worth loving and that finding that ability to love oneself is the best insurance that one will neither abuse anyone else nor tolerate abuse. It is in finding our own strength and value that we find the only emotional anchor that really matters in the long run. A good therapist can help us let go of the lies we were told and see the good in ourselves that we cannot see without that help. And ideally we internalize those things so that we believe them whether or not anyone is around to tell us. (Note: We also are then far more likely to surround ourselves with other people who see the good in us.)
In a way it comes down to results. Do we have a right to feel self-pity? Of course! Will it get us what we want? No, because it makes us hostages to what others do and say. It reinforces our sense of helplessness.
I believe that the only way we find both the courage and wisdom to make changes that will make our life better is when we believe it’s possible. And that means focusing on our strengths and our ability to change what we don’t like. It means being honest with ourselves and if there are skills we need that we don’t have, choosing to acquire those skills—whether it means doing research, taking classes, talking to people who know what we want to learn or ....whatever it takes.
I look at the things I wrote about in my last post and know already things I will do differently should I ever find myself in a similar position in the future. But I don’t think it’s likely to happen because I’m not likely to ever feel trapped or without options. I’ve learned to know myself too well to believe that ever again. I’m too well grounded in liking myself to care whether or not someone else understands or approves of the choices I make or who I am.
Why look at the past at all? To recognize and let go of any lingering lies about myself or the world around me (including friends) that I may not have realized I still held. To notice what my past pattern of handling something was so that I can plan for how I want to handle things differently in the future. (After all, if we keep doing the same thing, odds are we will get the same results and I’m still rewriting my future.)
I can look at the past and look at what has been good and know that those things go on my list of what I’d like to have in my life in the future. I can look at the things that didn’t serve me well and ask myself what would be better.
Here’s hoping that each of you are on your own path to creating the life you want to live. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Seeing the World As It Is
For many of us, I think we learned early not to trust our own perceptions. We learned not to notice lies. We learned to believe things were better than they were. Because that’s how you survive in an abusive home when you’re a child. And it’s not always a bad strategy as an adult. When we see the best in others, sometimes that’s what we evoke. But not always...
I suddenly found myself remembering this week times my ex-husband may have lied to me. Times I ignored what would have been red flags to someone else. ("If I were unfaithful would you want me to tell you?") I found myself remembering what (acccording to him) other people supposedly said about me—and that I didn’t have the courage at the time to ask them if it was true. (A friend supposedly upset with me that I was getting divorced. My therapist supposedly agreeing I’d make a really, really good liar—and maybe I was one. Another friend supposedly disparaging my writing. My in-laws supposedly worried about my mental health.) And so it went. For years. Only a chance comment to a friend this last visit back east to see my son made me realize he hadn’t simply misunderstood what she’d said, he’d outright lied about speaking to her at all the day he claimed what he claimed.
I recount all this not to bash my ex. Or to suggest that it’s good to hold onto old grievances. Not at all. What I am suggesting is that not seeing the world as it is can sometimes hold us back from making changes that would improve our lives and that believing lies and being afraid to challenge them can keep us trapped and isolated—usually because those lies in some way resonate with our own fears. As always--it is the assumptions we do not think to challenge that trip us up!
So once again it’s a question of balance. I believe it’s good to recognize that there are wonderful people in the world and at the same time learn to recognize that some are not. It’s good to pay attention to the signals we’ve been trained to ignore so that we recognize when someone isn’t trustworthy. It’s good to recognize and let go of our dependence on the opinions of others and belief in lies we’ve been told—especially lies told to us by abusive people in our lives.
Looking back, I know that what stopped me from challenging the things my ex said was the fear that if I did so and they were true, I might have to walk away from people who were important to me. As long as I didn't ask, these things I was so afraid were true might not be.
How do we get past this kind of fear? By expanding the circle of people we know. By risking making new friends and new connections. By discovering that we are both strong enough to manage on our own and that we are also people others might want to know.
It’s all part of this journey we’re on.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I suddenly found myself remembering this week times my ex-husband may have lied to me. Times I ignored what would have been red flags to someone else. ("If I were unfaithful would you want me to tell you?") I found myself remembering what (acccording to him) other people supposedly said about me—and that I didn’t have the courage at the time to ask them if it was true. (A friend supposedly upset with me that I was getting divorced. My therapist supposedly agreeing I’d make a really, really good liar—and maybe I was one. Another friend supposedly disparaging my writing. My in-laws supposedly worried about my mental health.) And so it went. For years. Only a chance comment to a friend this last visit back east to see my son made me realize he hadn’t simply misunderstood what she’d said, he’d outright lied about speaking to her at all the day he claimed what he claimed.
I recount all this not to bash my ex. Or to suggest that it’s good to hold onto old grievances. Not at all. What I am suggesting is that not seeing the world as it is can sometimes hold us back from making changes that would improve our lives and that believing lies and being afraid to challenge them can keep us trapped and isolated—usually because those lies in some way resonate with our own fears. As always--it is the assumptions we do not think to challenge that trip us up!
So once again it’s a question of balance. I believe it’s good to recognize that there are wonderful people in the world and at the same time learn to recognize that some are not. It’s good to pay attention to the signals we’ve been trained to ignore so that we recognize when someone isn’t trustworthy. It’s good to recognize and let go of our dependence on the opinions of others and belief in lies we’ve been told—especially lies told to us by abusive people in our lives.
Looking back, I know that what stopped me from challenging the things my ex said was the fear that if I did so and they were true, I might have to walk away from people who were important to me. As long as I didn't ask, these things I was so afraid were true might not be.
How do we get past this kind of fear? By expanding the circle of people we know. By risking making new friends and new connections. By discovering that we are both strong enough to manage on our own and that we are also people others might want to know.
It’s all part of this journey we’re on.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Meme
I’ve been tagged and so I’ve been having fun answering the following questions:
A ~ Available? Yes
B ~ Best friend: really tough to choose and don’t want to hurt any feelings
C ~ Cake or pie? Pie.
D ~ Drink of choice: coffee
E ~ Essential thing used every day: toothbrush
F ~ Favorite color: teal
G ~ Gummi bears or worms? bears
H ~ Hometown: Buffalo, NY
I ~ Indulgence: Chocolate (or is that a necessity?)
J ~ January or February? Hmmm. Tough one. January for new beginnings but February for rare lovely warm days.
K ~ Kids and names: Not sure what this is supposed to be. My kids? I don’t name them on my blog.
L ~ Life is incomplete without: good friends
M ~ Marriage date: 1974
N ~ Number of siblings: 2
O ~ Oranges or apples? Depends on the season but I suppose apples have a slight edge
P ~ Phobias/fears: heights
Q ~ Favorite quote: "The past does not equal the future.”—Anthony Robbins
R ~ Reason to smile: sunny days, good friends, my children, funny movies, chocolate, kindness
S ~ Season: spring
T ~ Tag three people: I like these things but a lot of people don’t so I don’t like to tag them.
U ~ Unknown fact about me: I like country music for the stories the songs tell and the inherent optimism in so many of them. (examples: I Hope You Dance, Unanswered Prayers)
V ~ Vegetable you don't like: brussel sprouts
W ~ Worst habit: staying up too late
X ~ X-rays you've had: shoulder, mammograms, dental
Y ~ Your favorite food: chocolate
Z ~ Zodiac: Virgo
Meanwhile....
I’ve put up my (artificial) Christmas tree. Haven’t decorated it but will do that a little at a time, smiling as it takes on a festive look. I like creating new traditions for myself and letting go of old associations with this time of year.
I’ve stocked environmental “logs” for my fireplace for the colder weather we’re supposed to have in a few days.
I’m still...processing my visit to see my son and all the emotions tied to that. I know some of my fears for my son are tied to some of my own experiences as a child. I know that some of my fears are due to hurting as I see his opportunities diminishing. I know that I need to balance what I think I’m supposed to be able to do with reality. I know that maybe what’s needed is to think so completely out of the box that I think of possibilities I (and others) never have before.
I believe deeply that in every challenge is inherently an opportunity or blessing as well and so I am asking myself that most powerful of questions: What good could come out of this?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
A ~ Available? Yes
B ~ Best friend: really tough to choose and don’t want to hurt any feelings
C ~ Cake or pie? Pie.
D ~ Drink of choice: coffee
E ~ Essential thing used every day: toothbrush
F ~ Favorite color: teal
G ~ Gummi bears or worms? bears
H ~ Hometown: Buffalo, NY
I ~ Indulgence: Chocolate (or is that a necessity?)
J ~ January or February? Hmmm. Tough one. January for new beginnings but February for rare lovely warm days.
K ~ Kids and names: Not sure what this is supposed to be. My kids? I don’t name them on my blog.
L ~ Life is incomplete without: good friends
M ~ Marriage date: 1974
N ~ Number of siblings: 2
O ~ Oranges or apples? Depends on the season but I suppose apples have a slight edge
P ~ Phobias/fears: heights
Q ~ Favorite quote: "The past does not equal the future.”—Anthony Robbins
R ~ Reason to smile: sunny days, good friends, my children, funny movies, chocolate, kindness
S ~ Season: spring
T ~ Tag three people: I like these things but a lot of people don’t so I don’t like to tag them.
U ~ Unknown fact about me: I like country music for the stories the songs tell and the inherent optimism in so many of them. (examples: I Hope You Dance, Unanswered Prayers)
V ~ Vegetable you don't like: brussel sprouts
W ~ Worst habit: staying up too late
X ~ X-rays you've had: shoulder, mammograms, dental
Y ~ Your favorite food: chocolate
Z ~ Zodiac: Virgo
Meanwhile....
I’ve put up my (artificial) Christmas tree. Haven’t decorated it but will do that a little at a time, smiling as it takes on a festive look. I like creating new traditions for myself and letting go of old associations with this time of year.
I’ve stocked environmental “logs” for my fireplace for the colder weather we’re supposed to have in a few days.
I’m still...processing my visit to see my son and all the emotions tied to that. I know some of my fears for my son are tied to some of my own experiences as a child. I know that some of my fears are due to hurting as I see his opportunities diminishing. I know that I need to balance what I think I’m supposed to be able to do with reality. I know that maybe what’s needed is to think so completely out of the box that I think of possibilities I (and others) never have before.
I believe deeply that in every challenge is inherently an opportunity or blessing as well and so I am asking myself that most powerful of questions: What good could come out of this?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Home Again
I’m home again. Literally and emotionally. And yet echoes of my trip back east remain. How much of one’s life does one give up to try to save another? What if it is one’s adult child? How does one know when changing what is can’t be done? How does one sort out emotional blackmail from real probabilities? How does one make peace with what may have to be?
On the plus side: This time I could say “no” to the convoluted schemes. This time I could refuse the emotional blackmail. This time I could see things I hadn’t grasped before. With and about my ex-husband. But...the questions about my son are still there. The issues are still real. The grief is still raw.
Life doesn’t always come with simple answers. Despite my optimism I know that all too well. My own life is the only life I really have any control over. I know that too. And yet...and yet there is a part of me that wants to heal other’s hurts—even when it’s someone who has hurt me. Even when I know that the odds are I won’t be able to help someone see how they are hurting themselves. There is grief in having to let go and fear in letting go that one is letting go too soon—that if one were just clever enough, just had a little more patience, just loved a little more unconditionally the person could find their way.
But then that’s how we grew up, isn’t it? Trying to fix the hurts and pain so that our parents could stop hurting us.
So the question becomes: Is this the same kind of tilting at windmills or is there really hope of getting my son to change his behavior? And how far do I go trying to make it happen? What will happen if I can’t? How much of my ex’s dire predictions are true and how much an attempt to manipulate me?
As I said, difficult questions and emotions.
Here’s hoping all of you are having easier weeks than this one was for me. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
On the plus side: This time I could say “no” to the convoluted schemes. This time I could refuse the emotional blackmail. This time I could see things I hadn’t grasped before. With and about my ex-husband. But...the questions about my son are still there. The issues are still real. The grief is still raw.
Life doesn’t always come with simple answers. Despite my optimism I know that all too well. My own life is the only life I really have any control over. I know that too. And yet...and yet there is a part of me that wants to heal other’s hurts—even when it’s someone who has hurt me. Even when I know that the odds are I won’t be able to help someone see how they are hurting themselves. There is grief in having to let go and fear in letting go that one is letting go too soon—that if one were just clever enough, just had a little more patience, just loved a little more unconditionally the person could find their way.
But then that’s how we grew up, isn’t it? Trying to fix the hurts and pain so that our parents could stop hurting us.
So the question becomes: Is this the same kind of tilting at windmills or is there really hope of getting my son to change his behavior? And how far do I go trying to make it happen? What will happen if I can’t? How much of my ex’s dire predictions are true and how much an attempt to manipulate me?
As I said, difficult questions and emotions.
Here’s hoping all of you are having easier weeks than this one was for me. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Quick Note
Just a quick note to let all of you know I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth!
I’m visiting my son who has down syndrome and lives with my ex-husband. It’s been an....interesting...visit. Yes, that’s the word. Let’s call it interesting. Better than some alternatives I might choose. It’s a short visit but no visit that involves interacting with my ex-husband is ever simple. There is always miscommunication, differing expectations, and echoes of regret that things are the way they are. Even so, this has been one for the record books.
Still, I got to see two friends, one of whom is recovering from advanced breast cancer. It looks as if, against all odds, she’s beaten it. And that’s a reason to celebrate.
I no longer live with chaos every day. That’s a reason to celebrate.
Every miscommunication is getting resolved. That’s a reason to celebrate.
I’m seeing my son. That’s a reason to celebrate.
Each time I visit, I process another level of emotions about my marriage and that’s a reason to celebrate.
I’m able to step back, watch old fears surface and let them go or see the situations in new ways. I’m able to shake my head at the scared, unhappy person I used to be and see how much I’ve changed. And that’s a reason to celebrate.
Right before I came here, a friend emailed me a prayer I love and that I must admit I’ve repeated to myself frequently on this trip. It goes something like this: God protect me from all harm, seen and unseen, and let me do no harm to anyone including myself. (I’m paraphrasing the actual prayer because this is the form that resonates most with me.) And that’s a reason to celebrate.
This isn’t an easy visit. It’s one of the hardest in some time. And things don’t look as if they are going to get simple any time soon. And yet...I’m able to step back and let it unfold as it will. I’m able to trust that I can and will handle whatever the outcome of the latest chaos will be and that good will come out of it. And that’s a reason to celebrate.
I hope that all of you are okay and I apologize for all the blogs I haven’t had a chance to read or respond to right now. Know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
I’m visiting my son who has down syndrome and lives with my ex-husband. It’s been an....interesting...visit. Yes, that’s the word. Let’s call it interesting. Better than some alternatives I might choose. It’s a short visit but no visit that involves interacting with my ex-husband is ever simple. There is always miscommunication, differing expectations, and echoes of regret that things are the way they are. Even so, this has been one for the record books.
Still, I got to see two friends, one of whom is recovering from advanced breast cancer. It looks as if, against all odds, she’s beaten it. And that’s a reason to celebrate.
I no longer live with chaos every day. That’s a reason to celebrate.
Every miscommunication is getting resolved. That’s a reason to celebrate.
I’m seeing my son. That’s a reason to celebrate.
Each time I visit, I process another level of emotions about my marriage and that’s a reason to celebrate.
I’m able to step back, watch old fears surface and let them go or see the situations in new ways. I’m able to shake my head at the scared, unhappy person I used to be and see how much I’ve changed. And that’s a reason to celebrate.
Right before I came here, a friend emailed me a prayer I love and that I must admit I’ve repeated to myself frequently on this trip. It goes something like this: God protect me from all harm, seen and unseen, and let me do no harm to anyone including myself. (I’m paraphrasing the actual prayer because this is the form that resonates most with me.) And that’s a reason to celebrate.
This isn’t an easy visit. It’s one of the hardest in some time. And things don’t look as if they are going to get simple any time soon. And yet...I’m able to step back and let it unfold as it will. I’m able to trust that I can and will handle whatever the outcome of the latest chaos will be and that good will come out of it. And that’s a reason to celebrate.
I hope that all of you are okay and I apologize for all the blogs I haven’t had a chance to read or respond to right now. Know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Monday, November 26, 2007
Post Thanksgiving
As I think about this year’s Thanksgiving, I’m struck by how much has changed for me. I found myself thinking about the steps it took to get to this point in my life and how scary those steps were to take. Each one seemed terrifying at the time. But each one led to greater things than I could have imagined. Ten, fifteen years ago, I couldn’t have imagined my life looking the way it does now or feeling the way I feel now. I sure as heck couldn’t have seen any possible way to get to this point.
And that’s encouraging. When I look at current challenges in my life, I can remind myself how far I’ve come and that I will find a way to deal with these challenges and that the outcomes are likely to be better than anything I could imagine.
Oh, I still have moments of panic, but they don’t last long these days. And I see more to be happy about than not.
One of the turning points, I think, has been going from seeing myself as a victim of the actions and needs of others and of fate/circumstance/etc. to someone who chooses how to live her life. It was going from feeling helpless to seeing myself as always having choices and ultimate responsibility for my life. Once I could believe that I could manage all on my own, possibilities became visible that I literally hadn’t seen before.
And that’s why the abusers in my life worked so hard to make me believe I was crazy and/or wouldn’t ever be able to manage on my own. Because on some level they knew that once I realized these things were a lie, they would have no more hold over me. I might tell—and others might believe me. I might leave.
When we understand that we can be happy on our own. When we understand that if we lose one person in our life we can find others to take that person’s place. Then we are no longer hostage to anyone—intentionally abusive or not. Then we can set boundaries. We can walk away from situations and people that are harmful to our physical and/or emotional health. We will see ways to create the lives we want to have. Maybe, in some cases, we can rewrite relationships so that we DON’T lose the person in our life who is important to us.
Dr. Phil likes to say that we (adults) teach people how to treat us. We teach them whether we will stand up for ourselves or whether we will do anything to hold onto them. We teach them whether we will tolerate their abuse and/or crazy ideas or whether we will say “no” and leave if it doesn’t stop. We teach people whether we believe we should be treated with kindness and respect or whether we think those are things we don’t deserve.
We get to choose. And as scary as that can sometimes be, it’s good, too. It’s the most empowering thing in the world to discover that we can change how things are by changing the choices we make and how we see the world and people around us. When we go from seeing ourselves as victims to seeing ourselves as incredibly strong and resilient and resourceful individuals—which we were to survive the abuse—then we open up whole new possibilities for ourselves.
How will you see yourself differently this week? What changes will that create in your life?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
And that’s encouraging. When I look at current challenges in my life, I can remind myself how far I’ve come and that I will find a way to deal with these challenges and that the outcomes are likely to be better than anything I could imagine.
Oh, I still have moments of panic, but they don’t last long these days. And I see more to be happy about than not.
One of the turning points, I think, has been going from seeing myself as a victim of the actions and needs of others and of fate/circumstance/etc. to someone who chooses how to live her life. It was going from feeling helpless to seeing myself as always having choices and ultimate responsibility for my life. Once I could believe that I could manage all on my own, possibilities became visible that I literally hadn’t seen before.
And that’s why the abusers in my life worked so hard to make me believe I was crazy and/or wouldn’t ever be able to manage on my own. Because on some level they knew that once I realized these things were a lie, they would have no more hold over me. I might tell—and others might believe me. I might leave.
When we understand that we can be happy on our own. When we understand that if we lose one person in our life we can find others to take that person’s place. Then we are no longer hostage to anyone—intentionally abusive or not. Then we can set boundaries. We can walk away from situations and people that are harmful to our physical and/or emotional health. We will see ways to create the lives we want to have. Maybe, in some cases, we can rewrite relationships so that we DON’T lose the person in our life who is important to us.
Dr. Phil likes to say that we (adults) teach people how to treat us. We teach them whether we will stand up for ourselves or whether we will do anything to hold onto them. We teach them whether we will tolerate their abuse and/or crazy ideas or whether we will say “no” and leave if it doesn’t stop. We teach people whether we believe we should be treated with kindness and respect or whether we think those are things we don’t deserve.
We get to choose. And as scary as that can sometimes be, it’s good, too. It’s the most empowering thing in the world to discover that we can change how things are by changing the choices we make and how we see the world and people around us. When we go from seeing ourselves as victims to seeing ourselves as incredibly strong and resilient and resourceful individuals—which we were to survive the abuse—then we open up whole new possibilities for ourselves.
How will you see yourself differently this week? What changes will that create in your life?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Gratitude and Survivors
I was going to write a traditional post about being thankful. I may still get around to it but...
Recently I spoke with my ex-husband and it reminded me of one of the things I do worry about with gratitude. If one only looks at the rosy side of a situation, one may not recognize things that need to change and/or leave a situation that isn’t healthy. I know that I stayed too long in my marriage hoping and telling myself I could find a way to fix it. There are occasional moments, even now, when I wonder if anything could have been done so that it could have worked out. (And then I get calls like the latest one from my ex-husband and I’m profoundly grateful again that I’m not still stuck in that situation anymore and dealing with chaos and emotional blackmail on a daily basis.)
I think it’s good to count our blessings. I think that if a relationship is in trouble, the only chance it has to work out is to begin by recognizing what’s good about it. I also worry sometimes that we survivors can be too loyal sometimes. We may stay in a situation or relationship even when it’s hurting us physically and/or emotionally and can’t be fixed.
My ex isn’t a bad person. There’s much to admire about him, especially in terms of the kind of person he wants to be. That doesn’t mean there isn’t distorted thinking, however. That doesn’t mean he sees himself or anyone else clearly. That doesn’t mean he was right for me.
So I’m torn when it comes to gratitude. All sorts of studies show the benefits of being able to see and cherish the good in one’s life. At the very least it helps us recognize that we can have good things in our lives, that it isn’t always all bad.
At the same time, I don’t want it to blind us to the need to make changes sometimes if we want our lives to get better. Discontent can sometimes be a gift.
So this week I’ve been grappling with the issue of how to balance profound gratitude for all that is good in my life and still seeing ways I might want to make it better. I’m grappling with how self-acceptance is the precursor to self-change. I’m grappling with the joy of all the good things I now have in my life and needing to make changes if I want to have more. I’ve even signed up for a 21 days to gratitude (free) program at this website: 21 Days of Gratitude
I’ll be curious to know how all of you feel about gratitude.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Recently I spoke with my ex-husband and it reminded me of one of the things I do worry about with gratitude. If one only looks at the rosy side of a situation, one may not recognize things that need to change and/or leave a situation that isn’t healthy. I know that I stayed too long in my marriage hoping and telling myself I could find a way to fix it. There are occasional moments, even now, when I wonder if anything could have been done so that it could have worked out. (And then I get calls like the latest one from my ex-husband and I’m profoundly grateful again that I’m not still stuck in that situation anymore and dealing with chaos and emotional blackmail on a daily basis.)
I think it’s good to count our blessings. I think that if a relationship is in trouble, the only chance it has to work out is to begin by recognizing what’s good about it. I also worry sometimes that we survivors can be too loyal sometimes. We may stay in a situation or relationship even when it’s hurting us physically and/or emotionally and can’t be fixed.
My ex isn’t a bad person. There’s much to admire about him, especially in terms of the kind of person he wants to be. That doesn’t mean there isn’t distorted thinking, however. That doesn’t mean he sees himself or anyone else clearly. That doesn’t mean he was right for me.
So I’m torn when it comes to gratitude. All sorts of studies show the benefits of being able to see and cherish the good in one’s life. At the very least it helps us recognize that we can have good things in our lives, that it isn’t always all bad.
At the same time, I don’t want it to blind us to the need to make changes sometimes if we want our lives to get better. Discontent can sometimes be a gift.
So this week I’ve been grappling with the issue of how to balance profound gratitude for all that is good in my life and still seeing ways I might want to make it better. I’m grappling with how self-acceptance is the precursor to self-change. I’m grappling with the joy of all the good things I now have in my life and needing to make changes if I want to have more. I’ve even signed up for a 21 days to gratitude (free) program at this website: 21 Days of Gratitude
I’ll be curious to know how all of you feel about gratitude.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Voices
I’ve been doing a lot of coaching lately and it’s reminded me that no matter who I’m coaching about what kind of writing, what matters is the other person’s voice, the other person’s story.
My job isn’t to tell someone how I would write it better, it’s to help the other person see a way to write the best way they can,the particular story THEY have to tell, with their strongest, most unique voice.
And I find myself thinking how important it is that we each find our own voices. That we each find a way to say the things we need to say—whether to others or to ourselves.
I find myself thinking of my friend who stood up to her brother, the first time anyone in her family has. And I know that even though her siblings and her mother have turned on her, the nieces and nephews in that family are watching and seeing that it’s possible to say: No! This isn’t right! And they are seeing that it’s possible to take action.
We are shaped by what we say and what we hear, by the pictures we paint and the ones we see, by the things we feel or cause others to feel, by the ideas we think and when we help others to think in new ways. We shape ourselves and have a chance to shape the world in which we live by finding our “voices”—whether those voices are actual voices or written or painted or shaped into physical objects.
When the internet was first created people said it would isolate individuals, divide us, and stifle us. Instead, the internet has helped so many of us find new friends all around the world, create or join communities of people who share our ideas or passions or talents or joy or pain. It has given many of us access to resources we might otherwise never have known about. Sometimes it has given some of us the courage to make changes in our lives.
I believe in the power of voices. I believe in the power of one person to create profound change in the world. I believe with Marianne Williamson that we are not meant to hide our light under a bushel but rather to let it shine for all the world to see.
Here’s hoping that each of you finds or has found and celebrates YOUR unique voice. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
My job isn’t to tell someone how I would write it better, it’s to help the other person see a way to write the best way they can,the particular story THEY have to tell, with their strongest, most unique voice.
And I find myself thinking how important it is that we each find our own voices. That we each find a way to say the things we need to say—whether to others or to ourselves.
I find myself thinking of my friend who stood up to her brother, the first time anyone in her family has. And I know that even though her siblings and her mother have turned on her, the nieces and nephews in that family are watching and seeing that it’s possible to say: No! This isn’t right! And they are seeing that it’s possible to take action.
We are shaped by what we say and what we hear, by the pictures we paint and the ones we see, by the things we feel or cause others to feel, by the ideas we think and when we help others to think in new ways. We shape ourselves and have a chance to shape the world in which we live by finding our “voices”—whether those voices are actual voices or written or painted or shaped into physical objects.
When the internet was first created people said it would isolate individuals, divide us, and stifle us. Instead, the internet has helped so many of us find new friends all around the world, create or join communities of people who share our ideas or passions or talents or joy or pain. It has given many of us access to resources we might otherwise never have known about. Sometimes it has given some of us the courage to make changes in our lives.
I believe in the power of voices. I believe in the power of one person to create profound change in the world. I believe with Marianne Williamson that we are not meant to hide our light under a bushel but rather to let it shine for all the world to see.
Here’s hoping that each of you finds or has found and celebrates YOUR unique voice. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
New Experiences
You may (or may not) be wondering why I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been having a series of new experiences over the past week. Good experiences, for the most part, but definitely pulling me out of my comfort zone.
This is a good thing. And it’s been extremely uncomfortable at times. But the most interesting part of this, aside from the fact that I’ve gained useful experience, is that I’m finding myself thinking “out of the box” in areas completely unrelated to what I’ve been doing.
This is the advantage of doing things we’re not comfortable doing. Our comfort zone expands and we create new possibilities for ourselves in ways we can’t even predict.
Here’s hoping all of you have some lovely new experiences this week. I’ve to run because my daughter is coming over for assistance with some essays she needs to write.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
This is a good thing. And it’s been extremely uncomfortable at times. But the most interesting part of this, aside from the fact that I’ve gained useful experience, is that I’m finding myself thinking “out of the box” in areas completely unrelated to what I’ve been doing.
This is the advantage of doing things we’re not comfortable doing. Our comfort zone expands and we create new possibilities for ourselves in ways we can’t even predict.
Here’s hoping all of you have some lovely new experiences this week. I’ve to run because my daughter is coming over for assistance with some essays she needs to write.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Hardwired for Optimism Except....
I came across an article the other day that talks about how human beings are apparently hardwired for optimism. Humans Hardwired for Optimism
As I read the article, I found myself thinking: Yes, but what about people who are abused, especially if they are abused as children?
And then I read Dr. Vitelli’s post about wild children at Wild Children and I found myself putting them together.
I found myself thinking that perhaps abuse is one of the things that can short-circuit the hardwiring for optimism. Perhaps abuse causes a break in the pattern so that the expectation of things going wrong replaces the expectation that things will go right. (And studies show this does happen. The most recent one says that events such as trauma, loss of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job, or a serious betrayal makes people less happy on a long term basis.) The result is individuals who may be afraid to take risks or do things their peers don’t hesitate to do—because those who were abused KNOW that things could go wrong.
So what does this have to do with wild children? Well, Dr. Vitelli cites research that seems to indicate there are critical periods that if missed mean a child cannot become socialized. I found myself wondering if perhaps something similar occurs when a child is subjected to abuse. There may be a similar effect to a lesser degree. But I also found myself wondering if it’s a critical period for acquiring the skill or a critical period for having sufficient motivation to be willing to learn the social skills.
This is a key distinction because if it is motivation then it might be possible to look at the situation differently and present motivation that would be different from what would work with a non-wild (or non-abused) child. It would mean looking for motivation that would be compelling in a way that would matter or make sense to the wild (or abused) child.
It’s also relevant for those who were abused as children because often social skills are a casualty of the abuse—both because of the abuse itself and because the family in which it occurs is likely to be lacking in coping and/or social skills (otherwise the adult would probably not need to abuse the child and the child would not be isolated and could find someone to tell who would stop the abuse). So many abused children don’t learn necessary skills as they are growing up AND lack the hardwiring optimism that would encourage them to try to learn those skills anyway.
I’ll freely admit that while I now tag myself as April_optimist, for much of my life that would not have been accurate. I thought people were cruel, Iexpected things to go wrong and had a hard time believing they wouldn’t, life was something simply to be endured.
I was just too blasted stubborn to give up.
So what does this all mean? Because you know I’m not going to present what seems like pessimistic information without having a solution! It means that we may need to consciously choose to be optimistic—even when it doesn’t feel natural or we have to work at feeling that way. It means perhaps choosing it as a strategy because studies show that it’s a useful approach to life and increases the odds of success and decreases the odds of depression.
It means choosing to never give up—no matter what the “experts” may say about the odds for a given person. It means we may need to consciously choose to acquire skills we didn’t get as children. And that means being willing to choose to go outside our comfort zones over and over again until we do acquire the social skills we didn’t learn as children.
That’s not easy. (I’ll spare you the descriptions of years of awful stumbles on my part as I learned.) But it can be done. IF we acknowledge that we need to learn these skills and don’t blame ourselves for not having the skills (or inclination) to begin with we can accomplish what seem like miracles.
It absolutely means being willing to stumble and make mistakes. It means finding ways to reward ourselves for trying. (There’s that issue of motivation again!) It means giving ourselves credit for what we do learn to do. It means loving ourselves as we are AND asking more for ourselves than we already have. It means having faith that we can learn the things we didn’t learn before. It means having faith that change is possible and having a clear sense of why we want to make those changes. It means allowing ourselves to feel the pain of what we don’t have so that the work it takes to get to where we want to be will feel worth doing.
Note: I am adamantly opposed to any method that involves purposely causing ourselves pain! I truly believe that is one of the most counterproductive things we can do. I strongly believe that the more we can build rewards and fun into any process of change, the more likely we are to follow through. (Just as I believe the optimal method for grounding ourselves in the present is to find things we are happy about that remind us this is NOW.)
The good news is that with each success—however small—IF we acknowledge that success, we gain motivation to keep going. We get proof that change is possible. We discover that things can be better than they were before. We begin to get addicted to being happy and having fun. We reprogram ourselves so that we regain much of the optimism that is hardwired into humans in the beginning and which got undone by the abuse—or even more recent painful setbacks such as a betrayal or loss of a loved one, etc.
As I said, I’m an example of someone who lacked so many skills and learned them. I’m an example of someone who went from being terrified of life to being optimistic. I’m an example someone who made lots of mistakes along the way. But I got here. I’m proof that it’s possible. And I share all this in hopes that my example will give hope to others that their lives can change for the better too.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
As I read the article, I found myself thinking: Yes, but what about people who are abused, especially if they are abused as children?
And then I read Dr. Vitelli’s post about wild children at Wild Children and I found myself putting them together.
I found myself thinking that perhaps abuse is one of the things that can short-circuit the hardwiring for optimism. Perhaps abuse causes a break in the pattern so that the expectation of things going wrong replaces the expectation that things will go right. (And studies show this does happen. The most recent one says that events such as trauma, loss of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job, or a serious betrayal makes people less happy on a long term basis.) The result is individuals who may be afraid to take risks or do things their peers don’t hesitate to do—because those who were abused KNOW that things could go wrong.
So what does this have to do with wild children? Well, Dr. Vitelli cites research that seems to indicate there are critical periods that if missed mean a child cannot become socialized. I found myself wondering if perhaps something similar occurs when a child is subjected to abuse. There may be a similar effect to a lesser degree. But I also found myself wondering if it’s a critical period for acquiring the skill or a critical period for having sufficient motivation to be willing to learn the social skills.
This is a key distinction because if it is motivation then it might be possible to look at the situation differently and present motivation that would be different from what would work with a non-wild (or non-abused) child. It would mean looking for motivation that would be compelling in a way that would matter or make sense to the wild (or abused) child.
It’s also relevant for those who were abused as children because often social skills are a casualty of the abuse—both because of the abuse itself and because the family in which it occurs is likely to be lacking in coping and/or social skills (otherwise the adult would probably not need to abuse the child and the child would not be isolated and could find someone to tell who would stop the abuse). So many abused children don’t learn necessary skills as they are growing up AND lack the hardwiring optimism that would encourage them to try to learn those skills anyway.
I’ll freely admit that while I now tag myself as April_optimist, for much of my life that would not have been accurate. I thought people were cruel, Iexpected things to go wrong and had a hard time believing they wouldn’t, life was something simply to be endured.
I was just too blasted stubborn to give up.
So what does this all mean? Because you know I’m not going to present what seems like pessimistic information without having a solution! It means that we may need to consciously choose to be optimistic—even when it doesn’t feel natural or we have to work at feeling that way. It means perhaps choosing it as a strategy because studies show that it’s a useful approach to life and increases the odds of success and decreases the odds of depression.
It means choosing to never give up—no matter what the “experts” may say about the odds for a given person. It means we may need to consciously choose to acquire skills we didn’t get as children. And that means being willing to choose to go outside our comfort zones over and over again until we do acquire the social skills we didn’t learn as children.
That’s not easy. (I’ll spare you the descriptions of years of awful stumbles on my part as I learned.) But it can be done. IF we acknowledge that we need to learn these skills and don’t blame ourselves for not having the skills (or inclination) to begin with we can accomplish what seem like miracles.
It absolutely means being willing to stumble and make mistakes. It means finding ways to reward ourselves for trying. (There’s that issue of motivation again!) It means giving ourselves credit for what we do learn to do. It means loving ourselves as we are AND asking more for ourselves than we already have. It means having faith that we can learn the things we didn’t learn before. It means having faith that change is possible and having a clear sense of why we want to make those changes. It means allowing ourselves to feel the pain of what we don’t have so that the work it takes to get to where we want to be will feel worth doing.
Note: I am adamantly opposed to any method that involves purposely causing ourselves pain! I truly believe that is one of the most counterproductive things we can do. I strongly believe that the more we can build rewards and fun into any process of change, the more likely we are to follow through. (Just as I believe the optimal method for grounding ourselves in the present is to find things we are happy about that remind us this is NOW.)
The good news is that with each success—however small—IF we acknowledge that success, we gain motivation to keep going. We get proof that change is possible. We discover that things can be better than they were before. We begin to get addicted to being happy and having fun. We reprogram ourselves so that we regain much of the optimism that is hardwired into humans in the beginning and which got undone by the abuse—or even more recent painful setbacks such as a betrayal or loss of a loved one, etc.
As I said, I’m an example of someone who lacked so many skills and learned them. I’m an example of someone who went from being terrified of life to being optimistic. I’m an example someone who made lots of mistakes along the way. But I got here. I’m proof that it’s possible. And I share all this in hopes that my example will give hope to others that their lives can change for the better too.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)