Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Home Again

I’m home again. Literally and emotionally. And yet echoes of my trip back east remain. How much of one’s life does one give up to try to save another? What if it is one’s adult child? How does one know when changing what is can’t be done? How does one sort out emotional blackmail from real probabilities? How does one make peace with what may have to be?

On the plus side: This time I could say “no” to the convoluted schemes. This time I could refuse the emotional blackmail. This time I could see things I hadn’t grasped before. With and about my ex-husband. But...the questions about my son are still there. The issues are still real. The grief is still raw.

Life doesn’t always come with simple answers. Despite my optimism I know that all too well. My own life is the only life I really have any control over. I know that too. And yet...and yet there is a part of me that wants to heal other’s hurts—even when it’s someone who has hurt me. Even when I know that the odds are I won’t be able to help someone see how they are hurting themselves. There is grief in having to let go and fear in letting go that one is letting go too soon—that if one were just clever enough, just had a little more patience, just loved a little more unconditionally the person could find their way.

But then that’s how we grew up, isn’t it? Trying to fix the hurts and pain so that our parents could stop hurting us.

So the question becomes: Is this the same kind of tilting at windmills or is there really hope of getting my son to change his behavior? And how far do I go trying to make it happen? What will happen if I can’t? How much of my ex’s dire predictions are true and how much an attempt to manipulate me?

As I said, difficult questions and emotions.

Here’s hoping all of you are having easier weeks than this one was for me. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),


Mother Wintermoon said...

My heart goes out to you, April. I wish I could take away your pain, angst, and grief. I wish I had magical words to heal the wounds and rifts.

All I can say is I feel the heaviness of your heart and I care. I'm here reading, understanding, and sending bouquets of peace and solace to you, MW

Marj aka Thriver said...

Welcome back, April. I hope you can get some rest after a challenging trip...and avoid a cold.

Hey, you must have ESP, because while you were leaving me a comment, I was procrastinating with a frivolous meme post...and "TAG!" You're it! C'mon, play with me! Have some fun! ;)

Karma said...

And here's hoping that next week is better.

keepers said...

wish we had some advice but all we can manage is some safe hugs and warm thoughts!


April_optimist said...

Thank you everyone. I do believe that within every challenge is the possibility of good emerging--even when I don't yet see what it could be.

Rising Rainbow said...

I have pre-therapy kids and post therapy kids. Despite the therapy provided for the pre-therapy kids, they didn't learn a thing and are caught in a trap I know all too well. It is really hard to sit back and watch them live their lives, make their mistakes and have to live with the consequences. But in reality, that is the best thing I can do for them.

The same is true for the post-therapy kids. They have to live their own lives etc. The difference is the post therapy kids don't find ways to try and suck me in to rescue them. For that I am grateful AND dealing with them helps me to see the games of the older kids better.

Just remember you can't fix him. It has to come from within him. It's hard I know but if you get sucked in you are not helping him or you.

Be careful.

zennist said...

Tough questions and a tough week. Be extra gentle and loving with yourself. Sending you healing thoughts and safe hugs.

April_optimist said...

Thank you, Zennist, the hugs and healing thoughts are much appreciated.

gypsy-heart said...

Somehow I found your site through other blogs. I felt a connection here...several energies. One being your words on this post. If you have a minute sometime I think you will see the connection from this post of mine.
I will be back to visit you.
Namaste', g-h.

April_optimist said...

Gypsy Heart,

Thanks for stopping by. Yes, your post did resonate with me. And I loved the hauntingly beautiful photo.