The irony is that I believe one reason so many people are vulnerable to bullies is the desire to be safe and/or the fear of being a bully oneself.
If one grew up with bullies and doesn’t want to be one, a person may become “too nice” or afraid that standing up for oneself must mean being a bully instead. That’s where Sam Horn’s book is invaluable. (See previous post about Take the Bully By the Horns.) She offers tools and strategies so that one can stand up for oneself without becoming a bully in return.
But let’s set that aside for the moment because I’d like to talk about how wanting to be safe can make us vulnerable to being bullied. It can be physical safety we’re seeking or financial or even emotional security—or all three. If we believe the other person might be able to keep us safe, we may tolerate physical or emotional abuse because we believe the person will keep us safe from worse abuse. Or if we are afraid we cannot support ourselves financially, we may tolerate abuse because the alternative scares us so much we can’t make ourselves leave or even just stand up to the person and ask for the kindness and respect that we deserve. If we are terrified of being alone and/or unloved, we may tolerate anything to have that emotional fix—especially if we don’t know it can be any other way or if that’s what feels familiar.
Or it may be that we don’t realize at first what’s happening. Perhaps the person says the right things or the relationship seems to be okay. And then the person does something we don’t like—but it’s a little thing. And we tell ourselves, well, that’s not so bad, I can live with that. If the other person is a bully, it confirms for them that we will tolerate abuse and the bully may begin to escalate. Perhaps not, if that little bit is enough to keep us in line and/or satisfies the bully’s emotional needs. But if we start to change or the bully needs more satisfaction, then the actions we dislike may start to escalate and each time we don’t speak up or walk away, it’s more proof to the bully that we will tolerate abuse.
(Some bullies will kill rather than let their victims get away and if so, the person being abused must not minimize that possibility and must take extreme precautions to protect himself or herself! I’ll give a disclaimer here similar to what Sam Horn has in her book. To paraphrase: I don’t have all the answers, I don’t know YOUR specific situation or what’s best for YOU. I’m sharing my own personal thoughts. If you are in a potentially dangerous situation the help of professionals may be essential. Safety is ALWAYS the first priority!)
In any relationship, when the dynamics begin to change, others in the relationship will resist. If the other person is a bully it can become outright dangerous! Be aware of this and take all possible precautions!
The best time to stop bullying is in the beginning. Instead of believing that if we are nice enough or helpful enough other people will like us and not hurt us, we can shift our thinking to understand that bullies will resent us if they need our help. Bullies will resent us if we are so nice that other people like us more than they like them. Bullies will take advantage of the behavior we value. Bullies will take niceness and not speaking up as proof that we are good victim material. IT WILL NOT KEEP US SAFE! Nothing we do to try to appease a bully will keep us safe—no matter what we are willing to give up trying to make it happen.
What will keep us safe?
---We can learn how to take care of ourselves so that we do not feel someone else must do so for us.
---We can learn to nicely but firmly speak or stand up for ourselves when someone does something we don’t like. In other words, we can learn to set limits.
---We can recognize that bullies who are not willing to give up their bullying tactics will keep hurting us and may not be capable of truly loving us. And if they can't, maybe we want to look for people who can love us and treat us with kindness and respect.
----We can tolerate kindness and respect until it becomes familiar and feels “normal” to us rather than seeking out the treatment we may have believed all our lives that we deserved.
---We can find a way to realize that we are and always have been worth loving—especially if we let go of any bullying tactics we may have learned to use over the years.
Do you see a pattern here? It comes down to becoming a person we like and respect and want to spend time with. It comes down to learning to trust in ourselves and our ability to keep ourselves safe.
If we treat ourselves with kindness and respect, we are far less likely to tolerate anything else from anyone else—or to treat anyone else any other way.
As we change how we see and treat ourselves, we inevitably change how others do so as well. This is the most important and powerful thing we can do for ourselves!
Mind you, I know that change doesn’t come all at once. But things don’t have to be all or nothing. We can begin to work on the skills we need to take care of ourselves and be safe. We can begin to treat ourselves with kindness and respect. We can begin to ACT AS IF we expect and deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. We can learn to say “no” to small things in unimportant relationships so that the small things do not become big things and we begin to see our own patterns and the patterns of others in such situations. If one thing doesn’t work we can experiment until we find what does.
I'm not saying it's easy. I know how hard it's been for me to integrate these ideas into my own life, my own understanding. I look back and cry for the person I was and wish I could go back and help her know it didn't have to be that way. But I can't go back, I can only go forward and share with all of you what it took me so long to learn in hopes that it may shortcut a little of your journey.
Note: Again, if you are dealing with a bully, be aware that the potential for escalation always exists and make escape plans (from the relationship or situation) before taking any action that might provoke trouble. (Sam Horn talks about how to decide what level of response is SAFE and appropriate in various situations.)
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Dealing with Bullies
Okay, I’d love to see everyone here run out and get a book called Take the Bully by the Horns by Sam Horn. Because most of us have had to deal with bullies in our lives—and we didn’t always recognize them as such right away or know what to do about them—and Sam Horn tells us. She tells us how to recognize bullying and what does and doesn’t work.
Warning: You may recognize some of your own behaviors in this book. In part, that’s because some of us who were abused as kids grew up believing there were only two choices—to be bullied or to bully. Sam Horn shows that’s not true. She gives effective techniques to deal with bullies and shows that we do NOT have to become that which we despise in order to be safe. Or, the only kind of interaction that some of us saw growing up was bullying so we never had a chance to learn other options. Either way, if you do recognize any of your own behaviors, you can use this as a chance to realize this isn’t who you want to be and begin to choose other, better behaviors in dealing with others.
I love the things Sam Horn says in Take the Bully by the Horns! How many here have heard, over and over: Always use “I” statements? I feel hurt if.... And how many of you, on a gut level, KNEW it wasn’t working with someone and maybe even made things worse? And how many didn’t trust that gut instinct because the experts—maybe even your own counselors—kept saying that was what you were supposed to do? Well, Sam Horn says quite bluntly that it doesn’t work with bullies and she says why! THANK YOU SAM HORN!!!
Ahem, sorry about that. Truly, though, Horn has written an easy to understand book with very clear steps on how to deal with others. She worries far less about why bullies are bullies and writes far more about what works and why.
Study after study shows that people who were abused as kids are far more likely to either continue to be bullied as adults or to become bullies. This book will help you break the cycle either way. We can be safe and we can be safe without becoming that which we despise.
Note: One very important warning (that isn't in the book). From my own experience and observation, bullies will tend to attack if they either perceive we have self-doubts in a certain area OR if they perceive we have some real strength. BULLIES TAKE OUR GREATEST TALENTS/GIFTS/SKILLS/PERSONALITY TRAITS AND TRY TO MAKE US DOUBT THOSE TALENTS/TRAITS OR THEY TRY TO MAKE US BELIEVE THESE ARE FLAWS. In other words, if someone keeps attacking you about something, consider the possibility it's actually a GOOD thing or you actually are good at whatever the other person says you aren't because the other person is a bully and either jealous or afraid that if you realize just how good a thing it is and/or how good you are at it, they will lose power over you.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Warning: You may recognize some of your own behaviors in this book. In part, that’s because some of us who were abused as kids grew up believing there were only two choices—to be bullied or to bully. Sam Horn shows that’s not true. She gives effective techniques to deal with bullies and shows that we do NOT have to become that which we despise in order to be safe. Or, the only kind of interaction that some of us saw growing up was bullying so we never had a chance to learn other options. Either way, if you do recognize any of your own behaviors, you can use this as a chance to realize this isn’t who you want to be and begin to choose other, better behaviors in dealing with others.
I love the things Sam Horn says in Take the Bully by the Horns! How many here have heard, over and over: Always use “I” statements? I feel hurt if.... And how many of you, on a gut level, KNEW it wasn’t working with someone and maybe even made things worse? And how many didn’t trust that gut instinct because the experts—maybe even your own counselors—kept saying that was what you were supposed to do? Well, Sam Horn says quite bluntly that it doesn’t work with bullies and she says why! THANK YOU SAM HORN!!!
Ahem, sorry about that. Truly, though, Horn has written an easy to understand book with very clear steps on how to deal with others. She worries far less about why bullies are bullies and writes far more about what works and why.
Study after study shows that people who were abused as kids are far more likely to either continue to be bullied as adults or to become bullies. This book will help you break the cycle either way. We can be safe and we can be safe without becoming that which we despise.
Note: One very important warning (that isn't in the book). From my own experience and observation, bullies will tend to attack if they either perceive we have self-doubts in a certain area OR if they perceive we have some real strength. BULLIES TAKE OUR GREATEST TALENTS/GIFTS/SKILLS/PERSONALITY TRAITS AND TRY TO MAKE US DOUBT THOSE TALENTS/TRAITS OR THEY TRY TO MAKE US BELIEVE THESE ARE FLAWS. In other words, if someone keeps attacking you about something, consider the possibility it's actually a GOOD thing or you actually are good at whatever the other person says you aren't because the other person is a bully and either jealous or afraid that if you realize just how good a thing it is and/or how good you are at it, they will lose power over you.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
People or Social Skills
One of the things that often comes up for lots of people is the issue of social skills. If we grew up in abusive homes, odds are we had no role models for healthy interaction with others. Our families could not teach us what they did not know!
In addition, abuse of any kind can make us cautious and unwilling to trust or too trusting. We may find ourselves choosing others who also lack social skills, telling ourselves that they won’t notice or care as much. Or we may think we can’t fit in with others who do know what to do.
Here again, we can choose to learn those skills our families couldn’t teach us. We can do so by observing how people, who do so successfully, interact with others.
We can be honest with ourselves about what makes us comfortable and uncomfortable.
We can choose to treat others as they wish to be treated and ask for what makes us happy as well.
We can choose to walk away from people who refuse to treat us with kindness and respect.
We can know what we like (and don’t like!) to do so that we are not always just going along with others but actively deciding what we do with the people we care about in our lives.
We can choose to risk losing people knowing that if we are not true to ourselves, then what’s the point of the relationship anyway?
We can choose not to use “honesty” as a bludgeon or power maneuver with others.
We can choose to take risks, to meet people and talk with them knowing that OF COURSE we’re sometimes going to make mistakes—and so are they!—and recognize that no one has to be perfect.
We can choose to focus on our own growth, rather than trying to get others to change and at the same time we can gently decline to let others try to change us. (Note: If we CHOOSE personal growth, that’s different. We need to do so for ourselves, however, rather than to please others.)
We can ACT AS IF we expect others to like and respond well to us. It’s amazing what a difference that can make and studies bear out the power of doing so.
We can recognize that everyone has their own layers of insecurity and use that not to manipulate others but rather to remind ourselves that it’s okay to sometimes be scared—everyone else is, too, at times. We can use that knowledge to recognize the truth of what’s happening when someone tries to bully us—rather than taking at face value what the other person says.
We can choose to keep learning and growing and creating the lives we want to have—with as much or as little social interaction as we CHOOSE. And that’s the key—to CHOOSE rather than to be driven to it by fear or what other people think we should do.
Wishing for all of you that which makes you happy, the courage to change what you want to change, and reasons to smile every day. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
In addition, abuse of any kind can make us cautious and unwilling to trust or too trusting. We may find ourselves choosing others who also lack social skills, telling ourselves that they won’t notice or care as much. Or we may think we can’t fit in with others who do know what to do.
Here again, we can choose to learn those skills our families couldn’t teach us. We can do so by observing how people, who do so successfully, interact with others.
We can be honest with ourselves about what makes us comfortable and uncomfortable.
We can choose to treat others as they wish to be treated and ask for what makes us happy as well.
We can choose to walk away from people who refuse to treat us with kindness and respect.
We can know what we like (and don’t like!) to do so that we are not always just going along with others but actively deciding what we do with the people we care about in our lives.
We can choose to risk losing people knowing that if we are not true to ourselves, then what’s the point of the relationship anyway?
We can choose not to use “honesty” as a bludgeon or power maneuver with others.
We can choose to take risks, to meet people and talk with them knowing that OF COURSE we’re sometimes going to make mistakes—and so are they!—and recognize that no one has to be perfect.
We can choose to focus on our own growth, rather than trying to get others to change and at the same time we can gently decline to let others try to change us. (Note: If we CHOOSE personal growth, that’s different. We need to do so for ourselves, however, rather than to please others.)
We can ACT AS IF we expect others to like and respond well to us. It’s amazing what a difference that can make and studies bear out the power of doing so.
We can recognize that everyone has their own layers of insecurity and use that not to manipulate others but rather to remind ourselves that it’s okay to sometimes be scared—everyone else is, too, at times. We can use that knowledge to recognize the truth of what’s happening when someone tries to bully us—rather than taking at face value what the other person says.
We can choose to keep learning and growing and creating the lives we want to have—with as much or as little social interaction as we CHOOSE. And that’s the key—to CHOOSE rather than to be driven to it by fear or what other people think we should do.
Wishing for all of you that which makes you happy, the courage to change what you want to change, and reasons to smile every day. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Those Moments
Today I want to write about those moments, the ones where someone says or does something and you feel blindsided, paralyzed, and unable to think of a response. You may realize immediately or it may take you a while to recognize that what’s happened resonates powerfully with something from the past.
It happened to me several times this week and involved both personal and professional situations.
Now the good thing is that none of these paralyzed me to the point that I couldn’t act. Even as the old responses washed through me I could take action and make changes so that the situations won’t recur—at least not with these people. (Mind you, one of these occasions was when it looked like my friend might have had the cancer come back so there wasn’t anything I could do—except be there for her. But at least I could be there for her.)
In a couple of the cases it was tempting to lash out. Doing so would have solved nothing. It was also tempting to try to “explain.” But trying to changing anyone else is a fool’s mission. Besides, the other person’s reality is the other person’s reality—even if it isn’t mine.
What we can do when one of those moments happens is to step back and recognize the experiences with which it’s resonating and:
---We can honor and protect our truest selves—both who we are now and who we were then.
---We can recognize that sometimes loyalty has—and should have!—limits.
---We can refuse to hand our power over to someone else to decide how we should feel about ourselves.
---We can continue to do the things that make us laugh and bring us joy.
I suspect that without the childhood I had, I’d have shrugged off easily the things that happened this week. (Except of course for my friend’s situation with surgery and cancer.)
But we are who we are and it’s important to go from where we are—rather than from where we wish we were. The good thing is that we can. No matter what our past has been like we CAN choose to find ways to be happy NOW and learn new ways to interact with others. No matter what our past has been, we can choose to reclaim NOW our power over our own lives.
Wishing for all of you a smoother week than the one I’ve had. Wishing for all of you the wisdom and resilience to keep working on creating the lives you want to have.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April
It happened to me several times this week and involved both personal and professional situations.
Now the good thing is that none of these paralyzed me to the point that I couldn’t act. Even as the old responses washed through me I could take action and make changes so that the situations won’t recur—at least not with these people. (Mind you, one of these occasions was when it looked like my friend might have had the cancer come back so there wasn’t anything I could do—except be there for her. But at least I could be there for her.)
In a couple of the cases it was tempting to lash out. Doing so would have solved nothing. It was also tempting to try to “explain.” But trying to changing anyone else is a fool’s mission. Besides, the other person’s reality is the other person’s reality—even if it isn’t mine.
What we can do when one of those moments happens is to step back and recognize the experiences with which it’s resonating and:
---We can honor and protect our truest selves—both who we are now and who we were then.
---We can recognize that sometimes loyalty has—and should have!—limits.
---We can refuse to hand our power over to someone else to decide how we should feel about ourselves.
---We can continue to do the things that make us laugh and bring us joy.
I suspect that without the childhood I had, I’d have shrugged off easily the things that happened this week. (Except of course for my friend’s situation with surgery and cancer.)
But we are who we are and it’s important to go from where we are—rather than from where we wish we were. The good thing is that we can. No matter what our past has been like we CAN choose to find ways to be happy NOW and learn new ways to interact with others. No matter what our past has been, we can choose to reclaim NOW our power over our own lives.
Wishing for all of you a smoother week than the one I’ve had. Wishing for all of you the wisdom and resilience to keep working on creating the lives you want to have.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Reminders of What Really Matters
Sometimes something happens and it reminds us of what matters and what doesn’t. A dear friend of mine was supposed to have reconstructive surgery this week. She’s finished with chemo and radiation (for breast cancer) and this was the step that would bring her closer to feeling herself again. But...
But they found a spot on her lungs. It turns out that it’s probably just scarring from the radiation or an infection and not cancer returning but for a while there things looked very grim and scary.
It sucks to have been abused. It sucks to have to do the work of processing the experience so that we can move forward in our lives. But this week I find myself thinking not about how life screwed me but rather how lucky I am.
--I don’t have cancer.
--My friend is probably going to be okay.
--I did survive my childhood and I am creating the life I want to have and I can be happy.
--I’m able to see that the differences between me and someone who hasn’t gone through what I did are minor compared to all the ways we’re the same.
--The blessings in my life NOW far outweigh the problems and inherent in every problem or challenge is a chance to grow and perhaps even end up happier than if that problem or challenge had not occurred.
My friend is a thriver, too, having beaten both breast cancer and Hepatitis C. She lives life with laughter and determination even at the worst of times. She reminds me of what really matters.
May all those you care about be thrivers—including YOU. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
But they found a spot on her lungs. It turns out that it’s probably just scarring from the radiation or an infection and not cancer returning but for a while there things looked very grim and scary.
It sucks to have been abused. It sucks to have to do the work of processing the experience so that we can move forward in our lives. But this week I find myself thinking not about how life screwed me but rather how lucky I am.
--I don’t have cancer.
--My friend is probably going to be okay.
--I did survive my childhood and I am creating the life I want to have and I can be happy.
--I’m able to see that the differences between me and someone who hasn’t gone through what I did are minor compared to all the ways we’re the same.
--The blessings in my life NOW far outweigh the problems and inherent in every problem or challenge is a chance to grow and perhaps even end up happier than if that problem or challenge had not occurred.
My friend is a thriver, too, having beaten both breast cancer and Hepatitis C. She lives life with laughter and determination even at the worst of times. She reminds me of what really matters.
May all those you care about be thrivers—including YOU. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Pain?
Morris brings up a good point when he asks why I seem to object so much to pain. He makes the point that sometimes it serves him well. Let me try to answer that.
I’m not opposed to pain that gets you somewhere moving forward. And I can see how it can prove to you that you are alive and that you can survive anything.
When I think of pain, I find myself fiercely determined not to do to myself the work of my abusers—in other words, I refuse to hurt myself just to hurt myself. There are certainly times I’m pushing myself hard when I exercise—especially if I’m lifting weights. I do it because I’m determined to be strong enough to protect myself and to be in good enough physical shape to have lots of happy years (after so many unhappy ones).
I’m proud of the fact that growing up I could outride my brothers on the scariest rides at the carnival—because I knew they wanted to see me get sick and there was satisfaction in seeing them get sick instead.
If the pain is a by-product of doing something that makes us stronger and healthier it’s not a bad thing. Pain done for the sake of causing ourselves pain or pain incurred when there is another way to do something, well, that bothers me because it feels too much like accepting we have no choice except to accept pain—something we may have told ourselves while we were being abused. And I’m fiercely against accepting any hurt that isn’t necessary because we do not deserve to be hurt!
If the goal is to feel alive, there are lots of ways to do that other than through pain. If we want to stay grounded in the present, there are lots of ways to do that which can make us laugh and feel happy—it does not have to hurt.
Part of it, I suspect is a gender thing and/or cultural conditioning. Part of it is a refusal, as I said above, to do the work of my abusers for them. Part of it is refusing that cultural conditioning that says we’re supposed to suffer, we’re supposed to be unhappy. If I’m strident about it, well, it’s because I hear so few voices saying this and I know how empowering it is to realize it’s okay to feel good, it’s okay to laugh and be happy.
Wishing all of you whatever helps you grow and move forward and heal and feel strong. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))) as well,
April_optimist
I’m not opposed to pain that gets you somewhere moving forward. And I can see how it can prove to you that you are alive and that you can survive anything.
When I think of pain, I find myself fiercely determined not to do to myself the work of my abusers—in other words, I refuse to hurt myself just to hurt myself. There are certainly times I’m pushing myself hard when I exercise—especially if I’m lifting weights. I do it because I’m determined to be strong enough to protect myself and to be in good enough physical shape to have lots of happy years (after so many unhappy ones).
I’m proud of the fact that growing up I could outride my brothers on the scariest rides at the carnival—because I knew they wanted to see me get sick and there was satisfaction in seeing them get sick instead.
If the pain is a by-product of doing something that makes us stronger and healthier it’s not a bad thing. Pain done for the sake of causing ourselves pain or pain incurred when there is another way to do something, well, that bothers me because it feels too much like accepting we have no choice except to accept pain—something we may have told ourselves while we were being abused. And I’m fiercely against accepting any hurt that isn’t necessary because we do not deserve to be hurt!
If the goal is to feel alive, there are lots of ways to do that other than through pain. If we want to stay grounded in the present, there are lots of ways to do that which can make us laugh and feel happy—it does not have to hurt.
Part of it, I suspect is a gender thing and/or cultural conditioning. Part of it is a refusal, as I said above, to do the work of my abusers for them. Part of it is refusing that cultural conditioning that says we’re supposed to suffer, we’re supposed to be unhappy. If I’m strident about it, well, it’s because I hear so few voices saying this and I know how empowering it is to realize it’s okay to feel good, it’s okay to laugh and be happy.
Wishing all of you whatever helps you grow and move forward and heal and feel strong. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))) as well,
April_optimist
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Reprogramming Our Emotional Software Continued...
The biggest thing we can do to change our emotional software and to heal any past trauma is to find ways and reasons to laugh and smile. This is what helps give us resilience when something goes wrong. This is tangible proof to ourselves that it IS possible to (at least sometimes) be happy.
Case in point: Today my computer decided to have a snit fit. Looked, for a while there, as if it was DOA. I use my computer every day. It’s part of my career. I’m in the middle of teaching an online writing course. I NEEDED MY #$(@5^($^% COMPUTER!!!!!
Ahem, sorry about that. The point is that even though I wasn’t happy about what was happening, I didn’t (really) panic. I was able to take steps so that by this point in the afternoon, it’s working again. Mind you, it may not be working for long. I may have to replace either the hard drive or the computer SOON. (It is 4 ½ years old so.....)
I was able to relax and read while waiting for my computer to run through what tech support said it had to do before I could know if it would work again. And I knew that even if it didn’t, I had options and I’d already figured out what the next 3 or 5 or 8 steps were gonna be if this thing didn’t resurrect. I had faith that something WOULD work out right.
That’s huge because for so many years of my life, my default programming was that if something went wrong then EVERYTHING was going to go wrong and everything would be a DISASTER. Not just a minor glitch—a disaster! Now I see it as something merely annoying and I go on knowing that more of my experiences will be good than the other way around. And I know that no matter what I’ll find reasons to laugh and smile today.
Perhaps the biggest change in my emotional software was that I automatically started thinking about what good might come out of all of this—even if I did have a computer I had to replace.
In other words, reprogramming our emotional software isn’t just another chore but rather a means by which we can increase our happiness and have it become something that is automatic so that even without trying every day we will find ourselves laughing and smiling and feeling good.
Wishing that for all of you and sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Case in point: Today my computer decided to have a snit fit. Looked, for a while there, as if it was DOA. I use my computer every day. It’s part of my career. I’m in the middle of teaching an online writing course. I NEEDED MY #$(@5^($^% COMPUTER!!!!!
Ahem, sorry about that. The point is that even though I wasn’t happy about what was happening, I didn’t (really) panic. I was able to take steps so that by this point in the afternoon, it’s working again. Mind you, it may not be working for long. I may have to replace either the hard drive or the computer SOON. (It is 4 ½ years old so.....)
I was able to relax and read while waiting for my computer to run through what tech support said it had to do before I could know if it would work again. And I knew that even if it didn’t, I had options and I’d already figured out what the next 3 or 5 or 8 steps were gonna be if this thing didn’t resurrect. I had faith that something WOULD work out right.
That’s huge because for so many years of my life, my default programming was that if something went wrong then EVERYTHING was going to go wrong and everything would be a DISASTER. Not just a minor glitch—a disaster! Now I see it as something merely annoying and I go on knowing that more of my experiences will be good than the other way around. And I know that no matter what I’ll find reasons to laugh and smile today.
Perhaps the biggest change in my emotional software was that I automatically started thinking about what good might come out of all of this—even if I did have a computer I had to replace.
In other words, reprogramming our emotional software isn’t just another chore but rather a means by which we can increase our happiness and have it become something that is automatic so that even without trying every day we will find ourselves laughing and smiling and feeling good.
Wishing that for all of you and sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Monday, July 16, 2007
Reprogramming Our Emotional Software
I was at a writer’s conference this past week and gave some workshops. I also did some impromptu coaching and talked with several people about my philosophy of life. I found myself using the following analogy about the power of changing just a few of our assumptions:
When we work on the computer, we can only do what the software is programmed to do. If we want to be able to do something else, we need to reprogram the software or get new software. Well, I like to think of what I talk about in my blog as ways to reprogram our emotional software. If we (for example) change one of our fundamental beliefs from: “I am a timid, incompetent, damaged soul” TO “I am brave, resourceful, and I can do lots of things well” then odds are we will find that our behavior automatically changes as well. We will begin to do things we haven’t done before.
It begins with realizing how we want to be and then looking for evidence that we already are. Example: For a long time, my default was to start by thinking: “I’m scared.” Followed by: “I’m always scared.” Followed by: "Obviously I'm a coward."
Now, if I catch myself thinking that way I remind myself: “Hey, I drove across country on my own and decided where I wanted to live!” “Hey, I had the guts to go after what I wanted and start over at 52!” “Hey, I have the guts to get up and speak in front of large (and small) groups of people all the time!” In other words, I’m not a coward after all.
The key is to change our focus from the negative images we may have had—or been told by other people we ought to have—about ourselves and replace them with reminders of all our strengths and abilities. It’s going from accepting other people’s definition of what’s important and recognizing what truly matters to us instead.
I had a great time at my conference and the satisfaction of having people tell me that what I said made a difference. All those things that went well will go into my own personal file of reasons to believe in myself. I hope that you have or are creating such a file—even if it’s only in your head!
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
When we work on the computer, we can only do what the software is programmed to do. If we want to be able to do something else, we need to reprogram the software or get new software. Well, I like to think of what I talk about in my blog as ways to reprogram our emotional software. If we (for example) change one of our fundamental beliefs from: “I am a timid, incompetent, damaged soul” TO “I am brave, resourceful, and I can do lots of things well” then odds are we will find that our behavior automatically changes as well. We will begin to do things we haven’t done before.
It begins with realizing how we want to be and then looking for evidence that we already are. Example: For a long time, my default was to start by thinking: “I’m scared.” Followed by: “I’m always scared.” Followed by: "Obviously I'm a coward."
Now, if I catch myself thinking that way I remind myself: “Hey, I drove across country on my own and decided where I wanted to live!” “Hey, I had the guts to go after what I wanted and start over at 52!” “Hey, I have the guts to get up and speak in front of large (and small) groups of people all the time!” In other words, I’m not a coward after all.
The key is to change our focus from the negative images we may have had—or been told by other people we ought to have—about ourselves and replace them with reminders of all our strengths and abilities. It’s going from accepting other people’s definition of what’s important and recognizing what truly matters to us instead.
I had a great time at my conference and the satisfaction of having people tell me that what I said made a difference. All those things that went well will go into my own personal file of reasons to believe in myself. I hope that you have or are creating such a file—even if it’s only in your head!
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Back Home
Gee, what will I do now that I don’t have to sit on blankets every morning or hide phones at night? What will I do now that I can actually get some sleep at night?
I’m back home. Mind you, in just a few days I leave for a major conference where I will be presenting some writing workshops so...it’s not like there’s that much of a break. But I’m home. There’s sunshine, a chance to catch up (a little) on my sleep, and reminders to smile everywhere I look.
This trip was a reminder of how far I’ve come. It was also bittersweet, remembering the hopes and dreams I’d once had for my marriage and for my son. It was a reminder of the importance of focus and keeping a sense of humor when things got more than a little crazy.
We can’t always choose what happens to us but we can choose how we deal with it. It’s not always easy—this trip was a reminder of that truth, as well. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to get to the point where we can ask ourselves—and get an answer!—what good could come out of the challenge.
There are times when the best we can do is simply remind ourselves that all we can do is the best we can do and that some things we cannot change and we’re not failures if that’s true. That’s one reason the list of things we have succeeded at matters. It’s a reminder, on our most difficult days, that we are not always helpless and there are things we can do.
Talk to all of you again in a week.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I’m back home. Mind you, in just a few days I leave for a major conference where I will be presenting some writing workshops so...it’s not like there’s that much of a break. But I’m home. There’s sunshine, a chance to catch up (a little) on my sleep, and reminders to smile everywhere I look.
This trip was a reminder of how far I’ve come. It was also bittersweet, remembering the hopes and dreams I’d once had for my marriage and for my son. It was a reminder of the importance of focus and keeping a sense of humor when things got more than a little crazy.
We can’t always choose what happens to us but we can choose how we deal with it. It’s not always easy—this trip was a reminder of that truth, as well. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to get to the point where we can ask ourselves—and get an answer!—what good could come out of the challenge.
There are times when the best we can do is simply remind ourselves that all we can do is the best we can do and that some things we cannot change and we’re not failures if that’s true. That’s one reason the list of things we have succeeded at matters. It’s a reminder, on our most difficult days, that we are not always helpless and there are things we can do.
Talk to all of you again in a week.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
I Could....
I could call this post adventures in demented parenting. I could tell you about hiding the phone to keep my son from making calls at one in the morning. I could tell you about discovering the next day that there were 2 (not one!) phones that needed to be hid and discovering my ex-husband had forgotten to tell me about the person my son calls who has threatened to call the police if he doesn’t stop calling her. Wondering what else my ex-husband has forgotten to warn me about. I could tell you about all the other challenges this week with my son. But...
But...I’d rather talk about what’s good about my trip.
1) Seeing friends. Discovering new ways of interacting with some of them. Seeing them from a new perspective.
2) Celebrating my friend finishing up treatment for breast cancer and being told she has no markers for the cancer.
3) Being able to do some research at the library here (larger than the one back home) for a workshop I’ll be giving soon.
4) Discovering that I can let go of the fear I could never belong and knowing that I will belong wherever I go.
5) Joy at the thought of returning to the life I live NOW—in a house with lots of light and sunshine in a place that makes me smile.
6) Celebrating the news that my daughter has found an apartment to share at very reasonable rent not that far from me for when she starts graduate school in the fall in my new home town.
7) Reaffirming that even in the midst of the chaos here with my son I CAN find reasons and moments to laugh and smile EVERY DAY.
Our culture is full of sayings like: No pain, no gain. If it doesn’t hurt, you’re not doing it right. It’s supposed to hurt!
My response? Nonsense!
Anything we need to do, we will do better if we find some way to make it fun and easier. Anything. I could fight with my son but my odds of success at changing some of his behavior go way up if I find ways to make the change fun and/or easy. It’s the only approach likely to actually work. I could be grim about this whole experience but all that would do is raise my blood pressure, leave me frustrated and feeling like a failure, and likely to lash out at my son. If I make jokes, find reasons to laugh, make sure that every meal has some (healthy) food I love, see friends, and remember all the good things in my life, then I am more likely to be able to think of things to try with my son and to enjoy at least some moments of the time I’m spending here with him.
If there is one thing you get from my posts, I hope it is this philosophy that finding ways to smile, reasons to laugh, and easier ways of doing things will do more to help you succeed in any area of your life and to heal than anything else you could do.
Sending laughter and blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
But...I’d rather talk about what’s good about my trip.
1) Seeing friends. Discovering new ways of interacting with some of them. Seeing them from a new perspective.
2) Celebrating my friend finishing up treatment for breast cancer and being told she has no markers for the cancer.
3) Being able to do some research at the library here (larger than the one back home) for a workshop I’ll be giving soon.
4) Discovering that I can let go of the fear I could never belong and knowing that I will belong wherever I go.
5) Joy at the thought of returning to the life I live NOW—in a house with lots of light and sunshine in a place that makes me smile.
6) Celebrating the news that my daughter has found an apartment to share at very reasonable rent not that far from me for when she starts graduate school in the fall in my new home town.
7) Reaffirming that even in the midst of the chaos here with my son I CAN find reasons and moments to laugh and smile EVERY DAY.
Our culture is full of sayings like: No pain, no gain. If it doesn’t hurt, you’re not doing it right. It’s supposed to hurt!
My response? Nonsense!
Anything we need to do, we will do better if we find some way to make it fun and easier. Anything. I could fight with my son but my odds of success at changing some of his behavior go way up if I find ways to make the change fun and/or easy. It’s the only approach likely to actually work. I could be grim about this whole experience but all that would do is raise my blood pressure, leave me frustrated and feeling like a failure, and likely to lash out at my son. If I make jokes, find reasons to laugh, make sure that every meal has some (healthy) food I love, see friends, and remember all the good things in my life, then I am more likely to be able to think of things to try with my son and to enjoy at least some moments of the time I’m spending here with him.
If there is one thing you get from my posts, I hope it is this philosophy that finding ways to smile, reasons to laugh, and easier ways of doing things will do more to help you succeed in any area of your life and to heal than anything else you could do.
Sending laughter and blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Friday, June 29, 2007
Emotional Flashbacks
First, let me explain that I believe EVERYONE has emotional flashbacks. That’s what I call it when something in the present resonates with something in the past intensifying the emotions we would otherwise feel. Or we’re thrown back into the emotions of a past experience triggered by sound or smell or person or place or situation.
Example: Someone says something that feels like disrespect and it throws us back into the emotional memory of a time when it was always that way and we felt helpless to change it and we react with rage all out of proportion to what’s actually happening. Or we lose someone and it resonates with every other time we lost someone. Or we meet someone and something in that person resonates with something in another person who was important to us in the past (often our parents) and so we feel an intense attraction to or perhaps dislike for that person without knowing why.
I believe everyone has emotional flashbacks—and that people rarely realize that’s what’s happening to them. I believe that any time we feel truly intense emotion—good or bad—it’s useful to ask ourselves if an emotional flashback is part of our reaction.
If we realize this is happening, we can step back and choose to respond only in the context of what is appropriate NOW and look at the emotions triggered from the past later.
Emotional flashbacks are on my mind this week because I’m here in the town in which I used to live, in the house where I raised my children (but no longer live), and seeing people I used to know. (See previous post.)
I found myself feeling out of place, not belonging, wanting to run away, and starting to feel overwhelmed and unhappy. It would have been easy to believe this is how I feel now. But the moment I realized I might be having emotional flashbacks, I began to recognize that much of this was what I used to feel all the time and it was creeping me out because it was such a contrast to how I feel NOW about myself and about my life.
Once I realized it could be emotional flashbacks, I could begin to see the layer of emotions from the past superimposed on the emotions of the present. I could begin to regain the sense of strength and resilience and optimism I feel most of the time.
I could begin to evaluate my experiences differently. I could both respond to what is happening NOW and also begin to process those emotions from the past.
New emotions got kicked up too, of course. And they are intertwined to some extent with these emotional flashbacks. I feel at times as if I’m trying to untangle a huge ball of knotted yarn. Recognizing what’s happening with these layers of emotions lets me do so in a methodical way. I can see someone and think: ah, this is where the relationship is going and that’s what it was and oh, here are emotions I didn’t know I used to have and here are new emotions I didn’t know I could feel, etc.
Emotional flashbacks, I believe, happen to us all the time. They are far more common than physical sensation or full blown memory flashbacks (and for me always preceded any of those anyway).
I share all of this because I believe emotional flashbacks are so common and because I believe they are profoundly important (often the key to how we act and react)—almost like huge flashing red neon signs pointing to things it might useful to look at. (There are probably other and better ways to explain this but the term "emotional flashbacks" makes it concrete for me in a way that lets me grasp exactly what's going on and how to use that understanding.)
So...the next time you feel intense emotion, especially if it makes you feel a way you don’t want to feel, maybe stop and ask yourself if part of your reaction could be an emotional flashback.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Example: Someone says something that feels like disrespect and it throws us back into the emotional memory of a time when it was always that way and we felt helpless to change it and we react with rage all out of proportion to what’s actually happening. Or we lose someone and it resonates with every other time we lost someone. Or we meet someone and something in that person resonates with something in another person who was important to us in the past (often our parents) and so we feel an intense attraction to or perhaps dislike for that person without knowing why.
I believe everyone has emotional flashbacks—and that people rarely realize that’s what’s happening to them. I believe that any time we feel truly intense emotion—good or bad—it’s useful to ask ourselves if an emotional flashback is part of our reaction.
If we realize this is happening, we can step back and choose to respond only in the context of what is appropriate NOW and look at the emotions triggered from the past later.
Emotional flashbacks are on my mind this week because I’m here in the town in which I used to live, in the house where I raised my children (but no longer live), and seeing people I used to know. (See previous post.)
I found myself feeling out of place, not belonging, wanting to run away, and starting to feel overwhelmed and unhappy. It would have been easy to believe this is how I feel now. But the moment I realized I might be having emotional flashbacks, I began to recognize that much of this was what I used to feel all the time and it was creeping me out because it was such a contrast to how I feel NOW about myself and about my life.
Once I realized it could be emotional flashbacks, I could begin to see the layer of emotions from the past superimposed on the emotions of the present. I could begin to regain the sense of strength and resilience and optimism I feel most of the time.
I could begin to evaluate my experiences differently. I could both respond to what is happening NOW and also begin to process those emotions from the past.
New emotions got kicked up too, of course. And they are intertwined to some extent with these emotional flashbacks. I feel at times as if I’m trying to untangle a huge ball of knotted yarn. Recognizing what’s happening with these layers of emotions lets me do so in a methodical way. I can see someone and think: ah, this is where the relationship is going and that’s what it was and oh, here are emotions I didn’t know I used to have and here are new emotions I didn’t know I could feel, etc.
Emotional flashbacks, I believe, happen to us all the time. They are far more common than physical sensation or full blown memory flashbacks (and for me always preceded any of those anyway).
I share all of this because I believe emotional flashbacks are so common and because I believe they are profoundly important (often the key to how we act and react)—almost like huge flashing red neon signs pointing to things it might useful to look at. (There are probably other and better ways to explain this but the term "emotional flashbacks" makes it concrete for me in a way that lets me grasp exactly what's going on and how to use that understanding.)
So...the next time you feel intense emotion, especially if it makes you feel a way you don’t want to feel, maybe stop and ask yourself if part of your reaction could be an emotional flashback.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Losing My Sanity (whatever little I had...)
Up at 5 am, getting to the airport and discovering all flights delayed, sweet talking a gate agent into rebooking me on an earlier (still delayed) flight, sprinting through an airport so that I can make my connection with 2 minutes to spare, being told the house has been cleaned and walking in to discover it’s still a disaster zone, luggage arriving at midnight, sitting on a pile of blankets as I type so my son (Down syndrome) can’t go back to bed and has to get ready for his program, thinking that maybe it’s a good thing there’s no whiskey in the house because drinking at 9 o’clock in the morning probably wouldn’t be a good idea.....
Well, that gives you some hint of how the past 24 hours has gone for me. (And oh, yeah, as we head toward 10 am I’m not sure my son is even going to make THAT bus! (Tomorrow morning I start sitting on the blankets at least an hour earlier...) (Why, you ask am I not helping my son get ready? Because anything I do he undoes and then redoes it himself. Ever tried wrestling a 30 year old into compliance about anything?)
Hmmm, maybe whiskey at 9:30am wouldn’t be such a bad idea....
No, no, must re-focus! What’s good about all this? Well, the good thing is that I did make it here, did get my luggage last night, did still have disinfectant wipes (left over from my last visit) to clean with, and THIS IS NO LONGER MY LIFE ON A DAILY BASIS!
Ahem. Sorry about that. It will (I hope!) get better as my son and I re-negotiate the ground rules.
Blessings and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist (desperately clinging to the illusion of sanity I pretend to have....)
Well, that gives you some hint of how the past 24 hours has gone for me. (And oh, yeah, as we head toward 10 am I’m not sure my son is even going to make THAT bus! (Tomorrow morning I start sitting on the blankets at least an hour earlier...) (Why, you ask am I not helping my son get ready? Because anything I do he undoes and then redoes it himself. Ever tried wrestling a 30 year old into compliance about anything?)
Hmmm, maybe whiskey at 9:30am wouldn’t be such a bad idea....
No, no, must re-focus! What’s good about all this? Well, the good thing is that I did make it here, did get my luggage last night, did still have disinfectant wipes (left over from my last visit) to clean with, and THIS IS NO LONGER MY LIFE ON A DAILY BASIS!
Ahem. Sorry about that. It will (I hope!) get better as my son and I re-negotiate the ground rules.
Blessings and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist (desperately clinging to the illusion of sanity I pretend to have....)
Monday, June 25, 2007
Self-pity
I suppose I feel a bit like an alcoholic when it comes to self-pity and that's why I'm so wary of it.
All of us feel self-pity at times. Almost everyone does—traumatic experiences or not. It’s an absolutely necessary step for those of us who were traumatized and who told ourselves for years: It wasn’t so bad. Necessary because it’s part of saying to ourselves that we mattered, that we didn’t deserve to have that happen, that we don’t ever have to let it happen again.
The trap is if we get stuck in self-pity. The trap is that we may believe it always has to be this way, that things will always go wrong for us, that we will always get hurt. And as long as we are trapped in this mentality, we increase the odds that it will happen because predators will see us coming a mile away. If we see ourselves as victims, that’s the role we’ll play out. If we begin to see ourselves, instead, as thrivers, that’s the role we’ll play out and we have a real shot at creating the lives we want to have.
The other danger is that if we’re been unhappy for a very long time—as so many survivors of childhood abuse are—unhappiness becomes our default emotion. Unhappiness feels “normal.” If we start to feel happy it may be so uncomfortable that we push ourselves back into the emotions we know so well.
I know, I know—that sounds crazy. But...I remember the moment, on a gloomy, rainy spring day years ago, when I suddenly caught myself doing just that. I realized that if I started to feel happy, I’d put on music or read a book or pull up a memory that made me cry. That realization shocked me so much that I made a vow to ride out the weirdness and the discomfort until happiness became the default mode for me.
I didn’t know then that being happy was exactly what would give me the strength and resilience to be able to handle memories and process them more easily. I didn’t know then that the more I could let myself laugh, the easier it would be to heal. What I did know was that it was crazy for me not to celebrate every moment of laughter and happiness.
As I said, I feel like an alcoholic when it comes to self-pity. I'm afraid that if I sit too long with it, I'll slip back into letting that be the default mode again.
In a way, I suppose it’s like self-harm. It would be understandable if I did it. But there’s a part of me that’s too stubborn and too angry. There’s a part of me that says: Hey, the people who were supposed to love me when I was a kid didn’t. They hurt me badly. And I am sure as *$^#%$)*)#%@*^ NOT going to continue to do their work for them now!
There will always be moments when I feel bad. And I’ll sit with those for a bit and see where they lead me. At the same time, I’ll always also ask myself what good could come out of whatever situation is causing me pain and I will remind myself that now feeling happy and optimistic is my default mode. Like an alcoholic, it's hard for me to believe it will ever be safe to do anything else.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
All of us feel self-pity at times. Almost everyone does—traumatic experiences or not. It’s an absolutely necessary step for those of us who were traumatized and who told ourselves for years: It wasn’t so bad. Necessary because it’s part of saying to ourselves that we mattered, that we didn’t deserve to have that happen, that we don’t ever have to let it happen again.
The trap is if we get stuck in self-pity. The trap is that we may believe it always has to be this way, that things will always go wrong for us, that we will always get hurt. And as long as we are trapped in this mentality, we increase the odds that it will happen because predators will see us coming a mile away. If we see ourselves as victims, that’s the role we’ll play out. If we begin to see ourselves, instead, as thrivers, that’s the role we’ll play out and we have a real shot at creating the lives we want to have.
The other danger is that if we’re been unhappy for a very long time—as so many survivors of childhood abuse are—unhappiness becomes our default emotion. Unhappiness feels “normal.” If we start to feel happy it may be so uncomfortable that we push ourselves back into the emotions we know so well.
I know, I know—that sounds crazy. But...I remember the moment, on a gloomy, rainy spring day years ago, when I suddenly caught myself doing just that. I realized that if I started to feel happy, I’d put on music or read a book or pull up a memory that made me cry. That realization shocked me so much that I made a vow to ride out the weirdness and the discomfort until happiness became the default mode for me.
I didn’t know then that being happy was exactly what would give me the strength and resilience to be able to handle memories and process them more easily. I didn’t know then that the more I could let myself laugh, the easier it would be to heal. What I did know was that it was crazy for me not to celebrate every moment of laughter and happiness.
As I said, I feel like an alcoholic when it comes to self-pity. I'm afraid that if I sit too long with it, I'll slip back into letting that be the default mode again.
In a way, I suppose it’s like self-harm. It would be understandable if I did it. But there’s a part of me that’s too stubborn and too angry. There’s a part of me that says: Hey, the people who were supposed to love me when I was a kid didn’t. They hurt me badly. And I am sure as *$^#%$)*)#%@*^ NOT going to continue to do their work for them now!
There will always be moments when I feel bad. And I’ll sit with those for a bit and see where they lead me. At the same time, I’ll always also ask myself what good could come out of whatever situation is causing me pain and I will remind myself that now feeling happy and optimistic is my default mode. Like an alcoholic, it's hard for me to believe it will ever be safe to do anything else.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Anniversary Blog Carnival
Anniversary Blog Carnival
Marj of Survivors Can Thrive! has posted links to some very powerful posts at: Survivors Can Thrive!: Happy Anniversary Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse!
Marj of Survivors Can Thrive! has posted links to some very powerful posts at: Survivors Can Thrive!: Happy Anniversary Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse!
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Apology
I hate staying in a negative state of mind and worse, I hate encouraging anyone else to do so. Those of you who saw my previous post on Father’s Day may notice that I’ve changed the title. The other title was just too negative.
My father was a man who was hurt. So much so that in turn he hurt me. I am blessed that I can choose not to be like him. I am blessed that I could find a way to let go of my hurt and pain and actually be happy.
I was feeling vulnerable when I wrote that post, as I have been for a few weeks now. In part it’s because I’m going back soon to stay with my son again. The one with Down syndrome. The one whose behavior is totally out of control. And I’m going to stay with him so that my ex can go on a trip with his girlfriend. I’ll be seeing my friend who is finishing up chemo and radiation for her breast cancer.
Obviously all of these things have been stirring up some intense emotions.
When I think about this trip, I have to stop and remind myself that even if things don’t go the way I want: a) I can cope, b) I will learn from it and c) things may be different in the future as all of us continue to change and grow.
Anyway, contrary to how some of my posts may have sounded, I haven’t lost my optimism. I haven’t stopped being able to smile and know how blessed I am. I haven’t stopped believing in myself—or in all of you. I’m simply... processing... things that need to be processed before my trip and acknowledging the feelings that hurt or scare me as well as the ones that make me smile. Being optimistic doesn’t mean I never feel negative emotions. It means instead that when I do I’m able to sit with those emotions and then let them go knowing that I have the tools I need to not only cope with life but to thrive as well.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
My father was a man who was hurt. So much so that in turn he hurt me. I am blessed that I can choose not to be like him. I am blessed that I could find a way to let go of my hurt and pain and actually be happy.
I was feeling vulnerable when I wrote that post, as I have been for a few weeks now. In part it’s because I’m going back soon to stay with my son again. The one with Down syndrome. The one whose behavior is totally out of control. And I’m going to stay with him so that my ex can go on a trip with his girlfriend. I’ll be seeing my friend who is finishing up chemo and radiation for her breast cancer.
Obviously all of these things have been stirring up some intense emotions.
When I think about this trip, I have to stop and remind myself that even if things don’t go the way I want: a) I can cope, b) I will learn from it and c) things may be different in the future as all of us continue to change and grow.
Anyway, contrary to how some of my posts may have sounded, I haven’t lost my optimism. I haven’t stopped being able to smile and know how blessed I am. I haven’t stopped believing in myself—or in all of you. I’m simply... processing... things that need to be processed before my trip and acknowledging the feelings that hurt or scare me as well as the ones that make me smile. Being optimistic doesn’t mean I never feel negative emotions. It means instead that when I do I’m able to sit with those emotions and then let them go knowing that I have the tools I need to not only cope with life but to thrive as well.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Father's Day
I almost forgot this Sunday was Father's Day.
Maybe it’s because it still hurts to think of my own father and who he was compared to how I wanted him to be.
I know he was in his own private hell. And that it was out of his own pain that he hurt me.
He didn’t want to be that way but he couldn’t bring himself to risk anyone knowing who and what he was and he didn’t know how to stop on his own. I don’t think he believed it was possible.
And yet, a part of me remembers, too, the good time, the moments when he could be loving and kind.
I remember being a tiny child of 3 or 4 and talking softly to him when he was in a rage and violent—and getting him to calm down because something I said was able to reach past his pain and anger and touch him in some way. (I remember the times I couldn’t reach him, couldn’t stop his anger, too.)
I remember believing he was my hero and would protect me from everyone (except himself). And I remember seeing him back down and help my mother lash out at me instead.
I remember knowing he hurt inside, knowing he was afraid—and thinking that if I could just ease his fear, just stop the hurt then he wouldn’t have to hurt me or anyone else ever again. Only his fear and hurt went too deep. Just like my mother’s did.
In a way, I was lucky. Things were so bad that even as a kid I could see that my father (and mother!) were screwed up. I could know that I had to find other role models for how to love and how to be a parent. I knew I would have to find ways to survive.
Even so, on days like Father’s Day (and Mother’s Day) I’ll stay home. I’ll avoid the sentimental sermons and greeting cards and everything else.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m so very happy for everyone who has a loving father or is a loving father! I’m thrilled that there are men who can support and love and encourage their children and help them feel safe.
It’s just that days like Father’s Day reminds me of what I didn’t have—though he played the role oh, so perfectly in front of other people.
As happy as my life is now....well....if you’re reading here, odds are you already understand why I didn’t want to remember that this Sunday is Father’s Day.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Maybe it’s because it still hurts to think of my own father and who he was compared to how I wanted him to be.
I know he was in his own private hell. And that it was out of his own pain that he hurt me.
He didn’t want to be that way but he couldn’t bring himself to risk anyone knowing who and what he was and he didn’t know how to stop on his own. I don’t think he believed it was possible.
And yet, a part of me remembers, too, the good time, the moments when he could be loving and kind.
I remember being a tiny child of 3 or 4 and talking softly to him when he was in a rage and violent—and getting him to calm down because something I said was able to reach past his pain and anger and touch him in some way. (I remember the times I couldn’t reach him, couldn’t stop his anger, too.)
I remember believing he was my hero and would protect me from everyone (except himself). And I remember seeing him back down and help my mother lash out at me instead.
I remember knowing he hurt inside, knowing he was afraid—and thinking that if I could just ease his fear, just stop the hurt then he wouldn’t have to hurt me or anyone else ever again. Only his fear and hurt went too deep. Just like my mother’s did.
In a way, I was lucky. Things were so bad that even as a kid I could see that my father (and mother!) were screwed up. I could know that I had to find other role models for how to love and how to be a parent. I knew I would have to find ways to survive.
Even so, on days like Father’s Day (and Mother’s Day) I’ll stay home. I’ll avoid the sentimental sermons and greeting cards and everything else.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m so very happy for everyone who has a loving father or is a loving father! I’m thrilled that there are men who can support and love and encourage their children and help them feel safe.
It’s just that days like Father’s Day reminds me of what I didn’t have—though he played the role oh, so perfectly in front of other people.
As happy as my life is now....well....if you’re reading here, odds are you already understand why I didn’t want to remember that this Sunday is Father’s Day.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Lesson Learned
I sometimes feel as if the Universe throws experiences my way to teach me things. Yesterday I had an epiphany: The Universe seems to be giving me experiences that will teach me I can do things I think I can’t.
The additional and far more important epiphany, however, was this: Wouldn’t it be easier to just learn the #($(^%^&* lesson than to have the Universe keep trying to teach it to me?
Think about it. What if we can do lots of things we think we can’t? Wouldn’t it be easier and take less energy to simply do them than to spend endless amounts of time and energy a) worrying and b) trying to avoid doing those things and c) the Universe could then stop having to prove it to us?
Okay, that last one is a bit facetious. Seriously, though, I don’t know about you but I know intellectually that I’m a reasonably competent person. People tell me all the time I’m far more than just competent—some even use the word amazing. I get that on an intellectual level. On a gut level, though, I seem to keep believing I’m not.
That’s why yesterday’s epiphany was so powerful. I “got” it on a gut level. I could imagine myself doing things that moments before would have scared me. (And sometimes it feels as if I spent most of my life afraid of way too many things!)
Anyway, I toss it out there for all of you. What if YOU can do the things you think you can’t? What if YOU really are—or could be!—far more capable and competent and strong and resilient than you have let yourself believe—in EVERY area of your life? And what if the Universe didn’t have to keep proving it to you?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
The additional and far more important epiphany, however, was this: Wouldn’t it be easier to just learn the #($(^%^&* lesson than to have the Universe keep trying to teach it to me?
Think about it. What if we can do lots of things we think we can’t? Wouldn’t it be easier and take less energy to simply do them than to spend endless amounts of time and energy a) worrying and b) trying to avoid doing those things and c) the Universe could then stop having to prove it to us?
Okay, that last one is a bit facetious. Seriously, though, I don’t know about you but I know intellectually that I’m a reasonably competent person. People tell me all the time I’m far more than just competent—some even use the word amazing. I get that on an intellectual level. On a gut level, though, I seem to keep believing I’m not.
That’s why yesterday’s epiphany was so powerful. I “got” it on a gut level. I could imagine myself doing things that moments before would have scared me. (And sometimes it feels as if I spent most of my life afraid of way too many things!)
Anyway, I toss it out there for all of you. What if YOU can do the things you think you can’t? What if YOU really are—or could be!—far more capable and competent and strong and resilient than you have let yourself believe—in EVERY area of your life? And what if the Universe didn’t have to keep proving it to you?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Relationships Part 3
How do we see ourselves?
That’s not an idle question. How we see ourselves often determines the quality of our interaction with others.
If we see ourselves as helpless, we are going to cling to defense mechanisms that may get in the way of a healthy relationship. We aren’t likely to ever risk the kind of discussions that would give the people in the relationship a chance to actually work out issues between them. We are likely to look for caretakers (which rarely results in a healthy relationship!) and we are unlikely to recognize our own strength.
If we see ourselves as the rescuers, we may never stop talking long enough to hear the wisdom the other person has to share.
If we see ourselves as unlovable and/or unlikable, we won’t trust people who say they care about us. We won’t risk the kind of honestly that allows a healthy relationship to grow.
If we see ourselves as doing everything for everyone else, we may never recognize the ways that we are selfish or what others are doing for us.
If we see ourselves as...
Well, you get the idea. We need to make a conscious effort to step back and look at the roles we play in relationships and how we see ourselves. We need to recognize that we can rewrite those roles for ourselves. We can choose to ACT AS IF we are how we would like to be.
We can also choose to throw away the old filters through which we have been seeing the people around us. If we do, we give ourselves, the other people, and our relationships a chance to grow in new and wonderful ways. Or we may finally realize that the best thing we can do is walk away.
---What if the person we thought we had to protect doesn’t need protection?
---What if the person we thought was arrogant and powerful is really shy or a scared kid inside?
---What if we have been making assumptions that aren’t at all true any more—if they ever were?
---What if the person we’ve been pretending to ourselves is wonderful and loving isn’t?
---What if the person we thought was smarter than us isn’t?
---What if the person we thought was a fool is actually very smart?
---What if....?
The most powerful tool we have is questioning things we’ve taken for granted and assumed were true.
---What if we don’t have to continue to play out old patterns?
---What if we don’t have to repeat past mistakes?
---What if it’s okay to want what we want and the other person not agreeing doesn’t make either of us bad people just different?
---What if we neither we nor the other person have to be perfect for a relationship to work out?
---What if we can learn to recognize and walk away from unhealthy relationships because we can be happy on our own AND there are other people out there who will love and/or care about us?
---What if we can survive the loss of relationships we wish could go on?
---What if the new relationships in our lives can be healthy?
If we change our assumptions about ourselves and the people in our lives AND we change our behavior, we will inevitably change our experiences.
I’ve made more than my share of mistakes in relationships. Sometimes I was well intentioned and/or didn’t know better. Sometimes intuitively I knew I was making a mistake and chose not to listen to that inner voice. Sometimes I knew darned well that what I was doing wasn’t a good idea but at the time couldn’t do anything else. Sometimes it was the other person doing some or all of these things. And sometimes the situation was such that either inevitably the relationship was going to come to an end or it was best that it do so. Sometimes I still catch myself acting from the fear that knowing me will cause people I care about to get hurt.
We are doing the best that we can. All of us. We have a choice when something goes wrong in a relationship—to choose to focus on blaming SOMEONE (ourselves or the other person or both) or to focus on what good could come out of what’s happening. We can ask ourselves how we can use the experience to grow. We can choose to focus on recognizing that we—and the other person—were doing the best we could and on whatever was good in the relationship for as long as it lasted.
I know I’m repeating myself and I know this kind of change doesn’t happen instantaneously. It’s a process. It takes time and it takes consciously choosing to do things differently than we always have in the past.
My marriage ended after 28 years. I’m the one who filed for divorce. I could have been angry and at times I was. It would have been easy to wrap myself in a cloak of victimhood—and there were times I fell into that trap. But because I was able to step away from that trap—for at least small stretches at a time—I was able to work out a settlement with my ex that left me in far better shape than most women who go through a divorce under these circumstances. Because I was able to set aside my anger—most of the time—our interactions go better than most people would think was possible. This does NOT mean I ever want to get back with him! It was not a relationship that could or should have been salvaged. It does mean that I choose to take the energy that could have gone into anger and use it to create a new life for myself.
I’m spending so much time on all of this—relationships—because connection with others is such a profound need for us as human beings. It affects health—emotional and physical, it affects how we see ourselves, and it affects our opportunities in life. Finding a way to trust enough to form relationships and work to make them healthy ones is an important part of the healing process.
There is also tremendous power in realizing we are not helpless. There is tremendous power in knowing that we do have the power to choose to stay or go and what we will and will not accept in our relationships.
It begins with choosing how we see ourselves. It begins with choosing to recognize that we are strong, resilient people who have the ability—and the right!—to have healthy relationships in our lives.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
That’s not an idle question. How we see ourselves often determines the quality of our interaction with others.
If we see ourselves as helpless, we are going to cling to defense mechanisms that may get in the way of a healthy relationship. We aren’t likely to ever risk the kind of discussions that would give the people in the relationship a chance to actually work out issues between them. We are likely to look for caretakers (which rarely results in a healthy relationship!) and we are unlikely to recognize our own strength.
If we see ourselves as the rescuers, we may never stop talking long enough to hear the wisdom the other person has to share.
If we see ourselves as unlovable and/or unlikable, we won’t trust people who say they care about us. We won’t risk the kind of honestly that allows a healthy relationship to grow.
If we see ourselves as doing everything for everyone else, we may never recognize the ways that we are selfish or what others are doing for us.
If we see ourselves as...
Well, you get the idea. We need to make a conscious effort to step back and look at the roles we play in relationships and how we see ourselves. We need to recognize that we can rewrite those roles for ourselves. We can choose to ACT AS IF we are how we would like to be.
We can also choose to throw away the old filters through which we have been seeing the people around us. If we do, we give ourselves, the other people, and our relationships a chance to grow in new and wonderful ways. Or we may finally realize that the best thing we can do is walk away.
---What if the person we thought we had to protect doesn’t need protection?
---What if the person we thought was arrogant and powerful is really shy or a scared kid inside?
---What if we have been making assumptions that aren’t at all true any more—if they ever were?
---What if the person we’ve been pretending to ourselves is wonderful and loving isn’t?
---What if the person we thought was smarter than us isn’t?
---What if the person we thought was a fool is actually very smart?
---What if....?
The most powerful tool we have is questioning things we’ve taken for granted and assumed were true.
---What if we don’t have to continue to play out old patterns?
---What if we don’t have to repeat past mistakes?
---What if it’s okay to want what we want and the other person not agreeing doesn’t make either of us bad people just different?
---What if we neither we nor the other person have to be perfect for a relationship to work out?
---What if we can learn to recognize and walk away from unhealthy relationships because we can be happy on our own AND there are other people out there who will love and/or care about us?
---What if we can survive the loss of relationships we wish could go on?
---What if the new relationships in our lives can be healthy?
If we change our assumptions about ourselves and the people in our lives AND we change our behavior, we will inevitably change our experiences.
I’ve made more than my share of mistakes in relationships. Sometimes I was well intentioned and/or didn’t know better. Sometimes intuitively I knew I was making a mistake and chose not to listen to that inner voice. Sometimes I knew darned well that what I was doing wasn’t a good idea but at the time couldn’t do anything else. Sometimes it was the other person doing some or all of these things. And sometimes the situation was such that either inevitably the relationship was going to come to an end or it was best that it do so. Sometimes I still catch myself acting from the fear that knowing me will cause people I care about to get hurt.
We are doing the best that we can. All of us. We have a choice when something goes wrong in a relationship—to choose to focus on blaming SOMEONE (ourselves or the other person or both) or to focus on what good could come out of what’s happening. We can ask ourselves how we can use the experience to grow. We can choose to focus on recognizing that we—and the other person—were doing the best we could and on whatever was good in the relationship for as long as it lasted.
I know I’m repeating myself and I know this kind of change doesn’t happen instantaneously. It’s a process. It takes time and it takes consciously choosing to do things differently than we always have in the past.
My marriage ended after 28 years. I’m the one who filed for divorce. I could have been angry and at times I was. It would have been easy to wrap myself in a cloak of victimhood—and there were times I fell into that trap. But because I was able to step away from that trap—for at least small stretches at a time—I was able to work out a settlement with my ex that left me in far better shape than most women who go through a divorce under these circumstances. Because I was able to set aside my anger—most of the time—our interactions go better than most people would think was possible. This does NOT mean I ever want to get back with him! It was not a relationship that could or should have been salvaged. It does mean that I choose to take the energy that could have gone into anger and use it to create a new life for myself.
I’m spending so much time on all of this—relationships—because connection with others is such a profound need for us as human beings. It affects health—emotional and physical, it affects how we see ourselves, and it affects our opportunities in life. Finding a way to trust enough to form relationships and work to make them healthy ones is an important part of the healing process.
There is also tremendous power in realizing we are not helpless. There is tremendous power in knowing that we do have the power to choose to stay or go and what we will and will not accept in our relationships.
It begins with choosing how we see ourselves. It begins with choosing to recognize that we are strong, resilient people who have the ability—and the right!—to have healthy relationships in our lives.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Monday, June 04, 2007
The Up Side of Changing Relationships
Last week when I wrote my post on relationships I was having one of those weeks that make you want to scream with frustration (and I did actually lose it completely with a representative for one company I was trying to deal with). Suffice it to say, between those frustrations and remembering the hurt and grief of relationships that fell apart I wasn’t feeling particularly cheerful or optimistic.
Anyway, I woke up today realizing there’s a lot I left out about changing relationships—the good part about relationships ending or changing.
Any change like any challenge is also an opportunity. I’m not dismissing the hurt and grief when a relationship falls apart. Some memories still have the power to cut like a knife taking my breath away. At the same time, today at least, I am able to be grateful for the changes that came out of those losses.
How can anything good come out of the loss of a relationship?
1) It’s a chance for us to grow.
2) It’s a chance for new people to come into our lives—people who don’t have preconceptions about us.
3) It may be a chance for us to go new places and do new things and be happier.
4) If we have been in an abusive relationship and it ends, we may finally be safe.
5) When we stop seeing ourselves through the filter of someone else’s eyes, we may be able to see ourselves in a new way, a more positive way, one with possibilities we didn’t think of before.
How can we maximize the likelihood that something new and good will come into our lives when a relationship falls apart?
1) Write out what our ideal relationship would look like—both what we wish it had been like with the person we lost (or fear losing) and what we would like if someone else were to come into our lives to fill that role in the future. When we know what would be healthy and make us happy, we are far more likely to find it. AND we are more likely to see how we could have played our part differently as well. If we are trying to salvage a relationship by altering the dynamics, then this exercise is essential!
2) Look honestly at ourselves. What part did we play in whatever went wrong? Are there different choices we might make in future relationships? (Or in this one if we are able to rewrite it.) Note: I do NOT mean beating ourselves up about mistakes!!! If we are too harsh with ourselves, we may refuse to face the mistakes we've made and/or the role we've had in how our relationship(s) played out--and we cannot change what we will not face.
The key is to try to set aside our filters and neither blame ourselves nor the other person but rather try to see what went wrong and why so that we do not keep repeating the same pattern in the future.
3) Work to make changes in how we see ourselves and the world and other people AND IN HOW WE INTERACT WITH THEM so that we can have new patterns in the future—either with the same person or with new people who come into our lives. At some point, we need to forgive both ourselves and the other person—understanding that we did our best. We can ask ourselves what are the good things we bring—or could bring—to a relationship? We can see the best in ourselves and build on it.
4) Celebrate whatever was good in the relationship that we’ve lost. When we remember the good, we have a starting point to build on for what we want in the future. Note: I am NOT talking about romanticizing the relationship and obsessively grieving for it! I am talking about focusing on a sense of gratitude that this person was part of our lives and helped us become who we are now IN A GOOD WAY.
It is tempting to demonize the person to try to lessen our hurt and loss but we hurt ourselves by doing so. For one thing, when we let ourselves see the good in others, it is easier to see the good in ourselves. It’s healing to remember that we are ALL doing the best we can in the moment we are doing it. If we (they) could have done things differently we (they) would have.
When we allow ourselves to see and remember whatever was good about the relationship, it is easier to risk trusting again in the future. It’s also part of figuring out what we like and don’t like, want and don’t want in a relationship. It gives us the starting points to build upon.
5) Cut ourselves some slack! As we change and grow, our relationships will inevitably do so as well—or end. That doesn’t mean they were necessarily mistakes in the first place. Any given relationship may have been the right choice at the time we made it—even if at some point it ends.
We will all make mistakes at times. If we can forgive ourselves and others for being imperfect, we have the best shot at creating healthy relationships. This is especially true if we remember that respect and kindness are fundamental—both to treat others that way and to not settle for less than that for ourselves.
The bottom line for me is this: When we see ourselves and others with love, when we look for and acknowledge and reach out to the (genuine) good within each person we are far more likely find love and to see that good manifest. (At the same time, it is perfectly rational and wise to protect ourselves from abusive behavior!) When we let go of anger and grudges, we let go of a deep drain on our energy and ability to be happy. When we see each loss as an opportunity for something good to come into our lives, amazing things can happen.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Anyway, I woke up today realizing there’s a lot I left out about changing relationships—the good part about relationships ending or changing.
Any change like any challenge is also an opportunity. I’m not dismissing the hurt and grief when a relationship falls apart. Some memories still have the power to cut like a knife taking my breath away. At the same time, today at least, I am able to be grateful for the changes that came out of those losses.
How can anything good come out of the loss of a relationship?
1) It’s a chance for us to grow.
2) It’s a chance for new people to come into our lives—people who don’t have preconceptions about us.
3) It may be a chance for us to go new places and do new things and be happier.
4) If we have been in an abusive relationship and it ends, we may finally be safe.
5) When we stop seeing ourselves through the filter of someone else’s eyes, we may be able to see ourselves in a new way, a more positive way, one with possibilities we didn’t think of before.
How can we maximize the likelihood that something new and good will come into our lives when a relationship falls apart?
1) Write out what our ideal relationship would look like—both what we wish it had been like with the person we lost (or fear losing) and what we would like if someone else were to come into our lives to fill that role in the future. When we know what would be healthy and make us happy, we are far more likely to find it. AND we are more likely to see how we could have played our part differently as well. If we are trying to salvage a relationship by altering the dynamics, then this exercise is essential!
2) Look honestly at ourselves. What part did we play in whatever went wrong? Are there different choices we might make in future relationships? (Or in this one if we are able to rewrite it.) Note: I do NOT mean beating ourselves up about mistakes!!! If we are too harsh with ourselves, we may refuse to face the mistakes we've made and/or the role we've had in how our relationship(s) played out--and we cannot change what we will not face.
The key is to try to set aside our filters and neither blame ourselves nor the other person but rather try to see what went wrong and why so that we do not keep repeating the same pattern in the future.
3) Work to make changes in how we see ourselves and the world and other people AND IN HOW WE INTERACT WITH THEM so that we can have new patterns in the future—either with the same person or with new people who come into our lives. At some point, we need to forgive both ourselves and the other person—understanding that we did our best. We can ask ourselves what are the good things we bring—or could bring—to a relationship? We can see the best in ourselves and build on it.
4) Celebrate whatever was good in the relationship that we’ve lost. When we remember the good, we have a starting point to build on for what we want in the future. Note: I am NOT talking about romanticizing the relationship and obsessively grieving for it! I am talking about focusing on a sense of gratitude that this person was part of our lives and helped us become who we are now IN A GOOD WAY.
It is tempting to demonize the person to try to lessen our hurt and loss but we hurt ourselves by doing so. For one thing, when we let ourselves see the good in others, it is easier to see the good in ourselves. It’s healing to remember that we are ALL doing the best we can in the moment we are doing it. If we (they) could have done things differently we (they) would have.
When we allow ourselves to see and remember whatever was good about the relationship, it is easier to risk trusting again in the future. It’s also part of figuring out what we like and don’t like, want and don’t want in a relationship. It gives us the starting points to build upon.
5) Cut ourselves some slack! As we change and grow, our relationships will inevitably do so as well—or end. That doesn’t mean they were necessarily mistakes in the first place. Any given relationship may have been the right choice at the time we made it—even if at some point it ends.
We will all make mistakes at times. If we can forgive ourselves and others for being imperfect, we have the best shot at creating healthy relationships. This is especially true if we remember that respect and kindness are fundamental—both to treat others that way and to not settle for less than that for ourselves.
The bottom line for me is this: When we see ourselves and others with love, when we look for and acknowledge and reach out to the (genuine) good within each person we are far more likely find love and to see that good manifest. (At the same time, it is perfectly rational and wise to protect ourselves from abusive behavior!) When we let go of anger and grudges, we let go of a deep drain on our energy and ability to be happy. When we see each loss as an opportunity for something good to come into our lives, amazing things can happen.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Relationships and Change
This is not an easy post to write. It brings to mind too many situations in my own life that I’ve had to face on my healing journey.
I’ve been asked: What happens as we recognize our strength and resilience and capability? (Note that I say recognize because I believe that the strength and resilience and capability have ALWAYS been there—we just didn’t allow ourselves to see it and/or were told by others that we didn’t have these qualities.)
Answer: The dynamics change in most of our relationships.
So the next question is: What happens as the dynamics change in a relationship?
Answer: That depends on everyone involved.
Sometimes people can be happy for us and cheer us on as we recognize our self-worth. Others may feel threatened. If the relationship has been one in which the other person felt superior or had more power, that person may feel threatened or unhappy or not know what to do as the balance of power shifts to a more equal level. If the relationship has been one of mutual helplessness, the other person may get angry because if it is possible for us to change then maybe they will have to look at their life and realize they could make changes, too—and they are scared or unwilling to try.
So it depends. It depends on whether you and the other person can have honest discussions about the changes that are taking place. It depends on whether or not the other person can put aside his or her insecurities enough to be happy for you. It depends on whether or not YOU have the courage to ride out the other person’s emotional reactions. (Odds are you’ve had some time to adjust to the changes in who you are because you’ve been working on those changes--but the other person has not. He or she may be a bit shell shocked to realize changes are happening and the dynamics of the relationship are no longer the same.) It depends on whether YOU need time away from the relationship to figure out how and whether you want to rewrite the relationship.
If both people want the relationship to work out, it can--and it will inevitably change in the process. If both people are willing to be honest and to ride out uncomfortable emotions, it can work out. If the person not changing can see your changes as proof that it’s possible to be happier and use that as encouragement to make changes too, it can work out.
What if very real problems occur because of the changes taking place within you and/or how can you rewrite a relationship?
1) Have compassion. Whether or not the relationships survives, you will be able to handle the changes better and more easily if you can feel compassion for the other person, if you can see the good the person brought into your life, and if you can forgive both yourself AND the other person for any mistakes that are or have been made.
2) Recognize what matters to you. Value who you are. Relationships can be rewritten but they are successfully rewritten only when we respect BOTH what the other person wants and needs AND what we want and need. This will also help you know whether the relationship—whatever it is—can be salvaged or not.
3) Be flexible. Maybe how you’ve always done things won’t work any more. Maybe the other person will have ideas that wouldn’t have occurred to you but make sense now.
4) Understand that relationships aren’t perfect and neither are you or the other person. If you can forgive and accept yourself for being human, you will find it easier to hear what the other person needs to say. If you can forgive and accept the other person for being human, you are more likely to be able to ask for changes in a way the other person can hear.
5) Be willing to think long and hard about what boundaries would be healthy for the relationship. Make sure they are clearly articulated if boundaries have been an issue with the person in the past. (There are few things more confusing and difficult for a survivor of abuse than when boundaries keep changing or are unclear. It is far easier and better to say—or hear—a painful truth about what boundaries are needed than to constantly wonder which of your actions might cause trouble (and worry what kind!) or whether the other person is going to cross the boundaries that you need to feel safe.)
6) Be willing to walk away if you realize the other person is dangerous to your physical or emotional health. That may mean walking away temporarily in order to stay safe as you work either on yourself or on the relationship or both or it may mean walking away completely. YOU matter. Your safety and health and happiness matter. That doesn’t mean I’m advocating running away lightly. If you’ve done steps 1-5 then odds are by the time you get to step 6 you’ll know what you need to do and you’ll be able to do it not in anger but with love—knowing that no one deserves to be hurt. And maybe just by acknowledging how bad things are and that you are willing to walk away you will give the other person sufficient motivation to change. Maybe not, in which case you grieve and go and go on, knowing that you have a right not to hurt or be hurt.
In my own life, I’ve been able to rewrite a number of relationships with people I am so very grateful to be able to still have in my life. Other relationships could not be salvaged—not without someone (me or someone else or everyone) being harmed by maintaining them. New relationships have come into my life and I am grateful for them every day. Some relationships....I don’t know. I suppose you could say they are on hiatus as I wait to see who I am becoming and how they might be rewritten—if they can be.
None of this is unique to us as survivors. Every human being who changes and grows faces these kinds of issues. And the fact that these things are true doesn’t mean we should stop changing and growing! We have a right to be happy and to change and grow so that we can be. If we do, we will draw new wonderful people into our lives and perhaps help those we love find their own path to being happy as well so that the relationships we do rewrite become richer and happier and better for all concerned.
Blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I’ve been asked: What happens as we recognize our strength and resilience and capability? (Note that I say recognize because I believe that the strength and resilience and capability have ALWAYS been there—we just didn’t allow ourselves to see it and/or were told by others that we didn’t have these qualities.)
Answer: The dynamics change in most of our relationships.
So the next question is: What happens as the dynamics change in a relationship?
Answer: That depends on everyone involved.
Sometimes people can be happy for us and cheer us on as we recognize our self-worth. Others may feel threatened. If the relationship has been one in which the other person felt superior or had more power, that person may feel threatened or unhappy or not know what to do as the balance of power shifts to a more equal level. If the relationship has been one of mutual helplessness, the other person may get angry because if it is possible for us to change then maybe they will have to look at their life and realize they could make changes, too—and they are scared or unwilling to try.
So it depends. It depends on whether you and the other person can have honest discussions about the changes that are taking place. It depends on whether or not the other person can put aside his or her insecurities enough to be happy for you. It depends on whether or not YOU have the courage to ride out the other person’s emotional reactions. (Odds are you’ve had some time to adjust to the changes in who you are because you’ve been working on those changes--but the other person has not. He or she may be a bit shell shocked to realize changes are happening and the dynamics of the relationship are no longer the same.) It depends on whether YOU need time away from the relationship to figure out how and whether you want to rewrite the relationship.
If both people want the relationship to work out, it can--and it will inevitably change in the process. If both people are willing to be honest and to ride out uncomfortable emotions, it can work out. If the person not changing can see your changes as proof that it’s possible to be happier and use that as encouragement to make changes too, it can work out.
What if very real problems occur because of the changes taking place within you and/or how can you rewrite a relationship?
1) Have compassion. Whether or not the relationships survives, you will be able to handle the changes better and more easily if you can feel compassion for the other person, if you can see the good the person brought into your life, and if you can forgive both yourself AND the other person for any mistakes that are or have been made.
2) Recognize what matters to you. Value who you are. Relationships can be rewritten but they are successfully rewritten only when we respect BOTH what the other person wants and needs AND what we want and need. This will also help you know whether the relationship—whatever it is—can be salvaged or not.
3) Be flexible. Maybe how you’ve always done things won’t work any more. Maybe the other person will have ideas that wouldn’t have occurred to you but make sense now.
4) Understand that relationships aren’t perfect and neither are you or the other person. If you can forgive and accept yourself for being human, you will find it easier to hear what the other person needs to say. If you can forgive and accept the other person for being human, you are more likely to be able to ask for changes in a way the other person can hear.
5) Be willing to think long and hard about what boundaries would be healthy for the relationship. Make sure they are clearly articulated if boundaries have been an issue with the person in the past. (There are few things more confusing and difficult for a survivor of abuse than when boundaries keep changing or are unclear. It is far easier and better to say—or hear—a painful truth about what boundaries are needed than to constantly wonder which of your actions might cause trouble (and worry what kind!) or whether the other person is going to cross the boundaries that you need to feel safe.)
6) Be willing to walk away if you realize the other person is dangerous to your physical or emotional health. That may mean walking away temporarily in order to stay safe as you work either on yourself or on the relationship or both or it may mean walking away completely. YOU matter. Your safety and health and happiness matter. That doesn’t mean I’m advocating running away lightly. If you’ve done steps 1-5 then odds are by the time you get to step 6 you’ll know what you need to do and you’ll be able to do it not in anger but with love—knowing that no one deserves to be hurt. And maybe just by acknowledging how bad things are and that you are willing to walk away you will give the other person sufficient motivation to change. Maybe not, in which case you grieve and go and go on, knowing that you have a right not to hurt or be hurt.
In my own life, I’ve been able to rewrite a number of relationships with people I am so very grateful to be able to still have in my life. Other relationships could not be salvaged—not without someone (me or someone else or everyone) being harmed by maintaining them. New relationships have come into my life and I am grateful for them every day. Some relationships....I don’t know. I suppose you could say they are on hiatus as I wait to see who I am becoming and how they might be rewritten—if they can be.
None of this is unique to us as survivors. Every human being who changes and grows faces these kinds of issues. And the fact that these things are true doesn’t mean we should stop changing and growing! We have a right to be happy and to change and grow so that we can be. If we do, we will draw new wonderful people into our lives and perhaps help those we love find their own path to being happy as well so that the relationships we do rewrite become richer and happier and better for all concerned.
Blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
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