Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Apology

I hate staying in a negative state of mind and worse, I hate encouraging anyone else to do so. Those of you who saw my previous post on Father’s Day may notice that I’ve changed the title. The other title was just too negative.

My father was a man who was hurt. So much so that in turn he hurt me. I am blessed that I can choose not to be like him. I am blessed that I could find a way to let go of my hurt and pain and actually be happy.

I was feeling vulnerable when I wrote that post, as I have been for a few weeks now. In part it’s because I’m going back soon to stay with my son again. The one with Down syndrome. The one whose behavior is totally out of control. And I’m going to stay with him so that my ex can go on a trip with his girlfriend. I’ll be seeing my friend who is finishing up chemo and radiation for her breast cancer.

Obviously all of these things have been stirring up some intense emotions.

When I think about this trip, I have to stop and remind myself that even if things don’t go the way I want: a) I can cope, b) I will learn from it and c) things may be different in the future as all of us continue to change and grow.

Anyway, contrary to how some of my posts may have sounded, I haven’t lost my optimism. I haven’t stopped being able to smile and know how blessed I am. I haven’t stopped believing in myself—or in all of you. I’m simply... processing... things that need to be processed before my trip and acknowledging the feelings that hurt or scare me as well as the ones that make me smile. Being optimistic doesn’t mean I never feel negative emotions. It means instead that when I do I’m able to sit with those emotions and then let them go knowing that I have the tools I need to not only cope with life but to thrive as well.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

6 comments:

keepers said...

Dear April Optimist

In our opinion you are a remarkable example of looking on the bright side in realistic ways. You speak common sense and caring in your words and we find your posts uplifting, thank you for sharing your insights with all of us.

peace, blessings and safe hugs to you from keepers

((((april_optimist))))

jumpinginpuddles said...

its ok to share and say it hurts being optimistic all the time isnt always the truth is it? Sometimes its ok to have your own pity party

Marj aka Thriver said...

Be safe and take care on your trip. I know about feeling vulnerable and having those intense emotions. I'm glad we both know it's okay to. ((((April)))) safe hugs.

Hey, I've awarded you with the Top Carnival Participant Award, just so's ya know!

April_optimist said...

Thanks everyone.

I think I'm most afraid of getting caught up in self-pity because it's such an old familiar friend. It's so comfortable there that secretly I fear I'll forget how much better my life is when I step back into the sunshine.

Karma said...

You are right on target: I completely agree!

April_optimist said...

Thanks, Karma.