Saturday, March 31, 2007


I’m not sure how to title this but I thought perhaps I should post something a little more upbeat than my last post. My only excuse for that one is that I came back here, started to relax into the calm and peace and happiness of being HERE and when I got those calls from back in New Jersey I felt as if I was about to be dragged back and overwhelmed again.

I gave a workshop this morning about spirituality and writing and found myself focusing on one of the questions I asked the students to consider. It had to do with looking at a challenge and seeing the blessings inherent in the situation. And it reminded me of the ones inherent in mine.

----I was able to see my son and my friend with breast cancer and another friend.
----I was able to recognize and let go of the need to always be the rescuer.
----I was able to see the degree to which my son’s behavior has spun out of control. I have a chance to catch my breath, to begin to plan for my next visit with my son in a couple of months so that perhaps it will go more smoothly.
----I was able to begin to rewrite certain relationships in my life and old patterns of interacting with people.
-----I was able to perceive the respect and kindness being offered me when I would not have expected it.
----I flew on an airline I have not flown on before and discovered that I liked it a great deal.
----I came back with a renewed appreciation for what I have managed to create in my life and the rightness of certain past decisions—including getting divorced—both for myself and for those I care about.
----I’ve been given a chance to see things that may come up in the future and therefore time to begin to plan for them.
----I’ve discovered that even in the midst of chaos I can create moments of calm, even when I’m surrounded by serious problems I can find moments of joy. And there were several moments/experiences that felt as if the universe was giving me a hug.
----I have been reminded that we do not have to stay trapped by old assumptions and new ways of doing things can be good.
----I discovered that I could go against the advice of dear friends and discover that I was right to do so—that my instincts can be trusted—that I do know what I’m doing.
----I can CHOOSE. Maybe that’s the most important one of all. I can CHOOSE whether to do something or not instead of simply reacting and playing out old patterns. I can CHOOSE to set limits. I can CHOOSE to love someone AND choose not to be enmeshed in that person’s chaos and/or world image—both at the same time.

Am I happy about the situation back in New Jersey? No. I’m sad more than anything else that matters have come to this point. I’m sad that it may get worse before it gets better. At the same time, that may be exactly what needs to happen. For each person involved, this is a chance to learn something important, a chance to take a new direction so that all our lives become better and happier. Whatever happens, I know that I am moving forward and this whole situation, as awful as it seems, is a blessing and an opportunity to grow.

Sending blessings (preferably gentler and happier ones than mine this week) and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),



jumpinginpuddles said...

we are glad you can see some of the good things nice to read them even if some are still sad

April_optimist said...

Jumping in Puddles,

Thank you. Sadness is part of life and I'm learning that it's okay--that it is a temporary thing and that I will always be able to find reasons to smile and reasons to laugh even in the midst of trouble.