Saturday, May 30, 2009

What If?

Hmmm. I seem to keep getting farther and farther behind posting. And I'm just barely beginning to restore links to my website. I imagine that will take me a while.

It's not that this blog isn't important to me--because it is! Part of it is the logistics of getting my daughter ready to move across country. Part of it is needing to immerse myself in a manuscript I'm evaluating for someone. Part of it is needing time to withdraw and ponder where my life is going now. And there is a lot to ponder.

One of the patterns I want to change is not letting myself want. It's good to be happy with what one has and to be able to find joy every day no matter what. It's another thing not to let oneself want because for most of my life I couldn't have what I wanted--or if I got it, it would have come with too many things I didn't want. I find that even now I'm a bit rusty when it comes to thinking about what I might want.

But that's what I've been doing. Practicing thinking about wants. Practicing imagining that what I want could be possible without all the negatives such things would have come with in the past. I've found that about the only way I can do that with some things is to say to myself: WHAT IF it was possible to have A without Z? What if it was possible? What would it look like if it was?

It didn't work, you see, to simply try to tell myself that it was possible and I needed to imagine that. In some cases, I couldn't. But to start with the words WHAT IF IT WAS POSSIBLE, then that changed things. I don't know how to explain the power of that difference, I just know it's there. And thank heavens it is because it lets me consider what I might want in a way I couldn't before.

What would YOU want, if it was possible? What would it look like if you could have what you want without all the things you don't want? And is there any piece, however small, of what you want that you could begin to have NOW? Those are the questions I'm asking myself and that maybe you might find useful, too.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

8 comments:

Marj aka Thriver said...

This is good. For me, there's been a struggle for a long time feeling like I'm not worthy. Lately, I decide I want something and then I tell myself (sometimes I have to say it out loud) "I'm worth it and I deserve it."

Kahless said...

I want certaintty. I hate the unknown. Alas that one is out of my reach.

Patricia Singleton said...

Knowing what I want is something I have had to work on as well. I can quickly tell you what I don't want. What I want comes slower. Yes, I am worthy. So are we all.

Marj aka Thriver said...

Thanks for stopping by in your support of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Just wanted to say hi and say that I appreciate the support.

jumpinginpuddles said...

when we doubt we are worth it we shut all people out of our life and remind oursevles why we matter, once we have got the engative out the positive is easy to come in and we see things much more clearly.

Paul from Mind Parts said...

I just found your blog and look forward to reading it. To be honest, I thought about this for many minutes and I cannot come up with a good answer for what I want. I cannot say 'I want to be healed' because that's too broad, right? I want to be safe? I want to be happy? I want to be at peace? I want to be more aware? Paul.

Colleen said...

Great post! Please visit my Catholic blog and see the award I have for you there!

April_optimist said...

Marj, And of course you ARE worthy. Glad you are saying it to yourself.

Kahless, Uncertainty can be scary. When I was a kid, it never brought anything good. Slowly I'm learning that NOW lots of good things can be surprises.

Patricia, Yes! The "I don't wants" are much, much easier!

Jumping in Puddles, Very wise point. We need to shut out the voices of others to realize our value and what we want.

Paul, Welcome! All those are good things to want. And we deserve peace, happiness and joy in our lives. To me that IS the definition of healing--to be able to have those things, to allow those things into our lives. Maybe start with a list of little things. What do you want to eat? What do you want to read or see at the movies? I learned so deeply as a child to not want what I couldn't have that as an adult I had to begin with things I clearly could have.

Colleen, Will do!