What If?

Hmmm. I seem to keep getting farther and farther behind posting. And I'm just barely beginning to restore links to my website. I imagine that will take me a while.

It's not that this blog isn't important to me--because it is! Part of it is the logistics of getting my daughter ready to move across country. Part of it is needing to immerse myself in a manuscript I'm evaluating for someone. Part of it is needing time to withdraw and ponder where my life is going now. And there is a lot to ponder.

One of the patterns I want to change is not letting myself want. It's good to be happy with what one has and to be able to find joy every day no matter what. It's another thing not to let oneself want because for most of my life I couldn't have what I wanted--or if I got it, it would have come with too many things I didn't want. I find that even now I'm a bit rusty when it comes to thinking about what I might want.

But that's what I've been doing. Practicing thinking about wants. Practicing imagining that what I want could be possible without all the negatives such things would have come with in the past. I've found that about the only way I can do that with some things is to say to myself: WHAT IF it was possible to have A without Z? What if it was possible? What would it look like if it was?

It didn't work, you see, to simply try to tell myself that it was possible and I needed to imagine that. In some cases, I couldn't. But to start with the words WHAT IF IT WAS POSSIBLE, then that changed things. I don't know how to explain the power of that difference, I just know it's there. And thank heavens it is because it lets me consider what I might want in a way I couldn't before.

What would YOU want, if it was possible? What would it look like if you could have what you want without all the things you don't want? And is there any piece, however small, of what you want that you could begin to have NOW? Those are the questions I'm asking myself and that maybe you might find useful, too.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Connections and Changes

Just Be Real has given me an award and I'm so very grateful to her for that.

I think we all worry, sometimes, if our words matter. We wonder if what we have to say can help or even just resonate with anyone else. So many other things can begin to take priority over posting to our blogs—even when we keep reading others. So thank you again, Just Be Real.

Not that it's just about whether our words matter. The sense of connection with a community greater than ourselves is just as important! But many of us were told growing up that no one wanted to hear what we had to say or that we talked too much and rewriting those old stories, those lies we were told is what this healing thing is all about. So I'm glad I finally had a chance to go see the award Just Be Real has given me and many others.

The past couple of weeks have been busy. I've been wrapping up one writing class and getting ready to teach another. I've also been helping my daughter move in. She won't be here long but...this short stretch of sharing space is a profound blessing. I see her moving forward in ways I didn't dare to do when I was her age and I see whole new ways I could have created my life. And it makes me think about new possibilities for my life now, as well. Most of all, it's a joy to have a closer relationship with her than I'd have guessed possible just a few years ago.

At the same time, it's strange sharing my space with someone again—for the first time since my divorce! More than once I've had to stop and ask myself what story I was telling—about her, about myself, about our relative responsibilities, motives, etc. And that's good practice even when part of me just wanted to complain—until I remembered how much better my life is now that I DO question the stories I tell myself!

The connections in my life have changed a great deal this year and they are still changing. I love the sense of new possibilities. I hate that embracing those possibilities means stepping outside my comfort zone—even though I know that every time I do, my comfort zone expands. I love that my sense of self continues to expand—even though I hate the honesty it sometimes requires to look at old hurts, old self-doubts, old stories.

Are there changes happening in YOUR life? Are you able to see what's good about them—even if they are challenging and/or hurtful in the moment? I hope so. I hope that every day brings you reasons to smile and small moments of joy. I hope that no matter what the past may have been for you, that you are at least beginning to see wonderful possibilities for yourself in the future.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

PS Apologies to everyone that I seem to have lost all my links. In theory there's a way to revert to previous blog versions so I can get them back but....so far I've had no luck doing so. Will do so if I can otherwise....it's going to take me a while to rebuild my blog list. ::SIGH::