Monday, July 14, 2008

Theater of the Absurd

It's pouring rain which means the carpeted family room is about to start flooding.

There's no umbrella in the house and my son has to get to the bus to get to his day program.

The downstairs toilet is overflowing any time water goes down the drain in any other part of the house.

And my ex isn't answering his cell phone so I can ask:
a) Where are the umbrellas?
b) What plumber does he use to clear out the drain from the street to the house.

Add to that not telling me the tire on the car was low on air and you have a pretty good picture of what my life was like all the time for close to 30 years. I call it the theater of the absurd.

Now, one way or another I'll manage. I always did. If I can't find out what plumber my ex uses I'll just go down the list in the yellow pages. (Though a plumber who knows the recurring problem would save time.) The tire got plugged. If need be I'll drive my son to his program. And to hell with the carpet flooding, if it comes to that.

As I said, this gives you an idea of what my life was like for so many years.

I am so grateful that it is only occasionally that I have to deal with this kind of chaos any more. It reminds me how and why I felt overwhelmed for so many years. It reminds me, too, of old patterns and the need not to fall into them again.

Being a martyr isn't nearly as useful as taking action to deal with whatever one needs to deal with—AND getting away from someone who creates perpetual chaos. (Not having the problems in the first place beats the sympathy one gets from having to cope with chaos.)

I no longer assume the problem is me (because who would be crazy enough to do this kind of stuff....I MUST be missing something).

I don't waste time trying to analyze his motives. Doesn't matter. He is who he is and not likely to change. If there's something to deal with, I deal with it.

I give voice to my unhappiness now—rather than trying to smooth things over or pretend they don't matter. These things do matter. I matter.

I CAN MAKE CHOICES. I can make choices about how I handle things now, while I'm here, and I can make choices about what I will do in the future.

And in a couple of days I can go home. Away from the chaos.

What is YOUR theater of the absurd and what choices could you make that would make your life easier or better? What are the patterns you might want to change about how you act and react to situations?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),


Enola said...

No AC in a house that is so old that you have to remove storm windows to open up, only to find that half the windows have no screens - so bugs are let in. Turn on decades old window unit, which promptly dumps gallons of musty old water on your kitchen floor. Call home repair people and no call back after 5 days.

Oh and add in a 7 month pregnant hormonal woman who is trying to stay cool in her basement, but too triggered to stay there long. AGH.

What am I doing about it? Lots of deep breaths, dreaming of xanax and extra time at my air conditioned work.

jumpinginpuddles said...

we understand your frustration all too well, we gave up on martydome also when we left our husband, we realised it was making us ill.
Our choice was to say no mroe and boy it feels good :)

keepers said...

our theater was always giving in to our kids and doing whatever they wanted realizing finally they were using us, so we finally stood up for ourselves and they are no longer in our lives but we aren't being used either.

peace and blessings


Felicia said...

Oh dear! Sending positive thoughts your way :)

April_optimist said...

Enola, Yikes! So new screens are on the list of things to do, right? Did the repair people ever show up? Big, big (((hugs)))!

Jumping in Puddles, Doesn't it feel good? I'm smiling as I picture you grabbing for the happiness you deserve.

Keepers, One of the scariest times in my life was when I started saying "no" to my children. (((Hugs)))

Felicia, Thank you!

Anonymous said...

This sounds like the house I grew up in. Also - my husband doesn't really care about neatness and order. He would let everything fall apart if I didn't say anything about it. I hate to say that about him, because he's a kind person, he just has very different priorities. Even so, that is not acceptable to me and I will totally freak out on him if he doesn't at least take care of the basics. I don't let him get away with that stuff anymore. If he doesn't like it, that's just too bad. He knows how I feel about this now without any uncertainty and has been making improvements. Still, I resent it sometimes when I have to push for something that should be a no-brainer. At this point, I don't even care if the reason he takes care of things is only to keep peace and not because it matters to him. His unbelievable slacker attitude has cost me a lot in the past and there is no way he's ever getting away with that again. (That said - I understand where this came from, but only he can really fix his reaction to having to take care of some things in an organized and responsible way and I can't wait around for his inner revolution for the grass to be cut and new tires to be put on when the old ones are dangerous.)

Kahless said...

I wish I could speak up more with what I want rather than just go with the flow!

gypsy-heart said...

It is all about choices my dear, and it sounds like you are making some very wise ones!

My ex was very similar to yours..that is why he is an "ex" :)

I hope you enjoy your time with your son despite the drama!

Good energies and peace of heart to you!


April_optimist said...

Anonymous, I'm glad you do stand up for yourself and what's important to you! I, too, understand where my ex's behavior comes from. But I'm so glad I no longer need to deal with the passive aggressive...crap.

Kahless, It will happen more and more as you realize your own self-worth.

Gypsy-Heart, LOL. Glad he's your ex. And yes, it was good to spend time with my son.