Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Hopes and Dreams and Fears

One of my deepest fears for my son, when he was born, was that he would end up in an institution where he would be abused. His behavior issues in the past ten years woke fears I'd once put to rest. So....you can imagine the mix of emotions I felt when I went to look at the group home while I was in NJ last week.

It was wonderful. It was everything I could hope for, for my son. It is a place where he can be safe and grow and let go of old habits as he gains new ones that might actually serve him well. No matter how good a mother I could be, I can't give him the opportunities he will have there. It was good to be able to put aside that fear.

Now...hopes and dreams. A friend of mine likes to say that hopes and dreams die last. I thought I'd put mine to rest. And this visit sure reaffirmed I was right to divorce my ex. But....I came back grieving. Grieving for the knowledge that I can't grow old with the person who watched our children grow up with me, the father of those children, a person with whom I shared my life for 30 years. Even if I find someone else, that person won't know those years, those challenges, those triumphs and the moments of despair.

It's painful to grieve. It would be worse to pretend I didn't feel these things. Knowing and grieving will let me move on to the next phase of my life more completely than if I didn't.

Let me be clear: I do NOT feel sorry for myself! I had the courage and wisdom to get out. I had the skill to do so in a way that left me options. There just was this piece of grieving that I didn't know still needed to be done.

So I'm back home. I'm catching up on things I couldn't do while I was gone. I've been grieving and now I'm starting to look forward rather than back. Because now I can. I have choices. I have time and space to work on creating the life I want to have. Including maybe getting a dog—though I haven't found the right one yet.

But I move cautiously. It would be part of my nature to do so even if there hadn't been so much abuse in my life in various forms. I am wary of old patterns. I am still feeling out what it is I want—and what it is I believe I can have. And I am rewriting any beliefs I discover that no longer serve me.

Here's hoping you are all rewriting the beliefs that no longer serve you—and discovering what could make YOU happy. Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),

April_optimist

6 comments:

Enola said...

I'm glad you found a good place. My BIL is autistic and my husband and I dread the day my in-laws pass away and we have to move my BIL out of the only home he has ever known to be near us - probably in a group home type place.

Kahless said...

Have you looked for a dog from a re-homing kennels. Maybe choose a dog that was abandoned by a previous owner?

kaylee said...

Oh gosh!

April_optimist said...

Enola, Might be worth checking out what services there are where you live. You might (or might not) be pleasantly surprised. There is some new research, btw, on medication for autism. Very new but in mice seems to undo the effects of autism.

Kahless, Been looking. So far not the right animal.

Kaylee, Welcome. Yes, it was an....interesting....week in NJ. See my latest post for how long it takes me to recover from those visits!

gypsy-heart said...

I very much relate to this post.. fears of the unknown, grief for what was and might have been, affirmations of our decisions

AND

the hopes and dreams now unfolding into our reality!

Good energies to you and peace of heart!

~gypsy-heart

April_optimist said...

Gypsy-Heart,

Glad you could relate. Isn't it great that we can move through these stages?