What are the priorities in your life? Or maybe I should ask Who are the priorities in your life.
I ask because it's come up for me. As I adjust to the idea of my daughter moving across country, I realize my sense of self is shifting and so are my priorities. I'm realizing that as long as she's been living near me, these past two years, I've made her convenience a priority over mine. I've put plans on hold and not done things because she MIGHT want to see me. I've asked myself what would please her as opposed to what would please me.
Now I'm not saying I never want to do that! I do value my relationship with my daughter and I want to be willing to take her feelings and wishes into consideration. At the same time, though, I'm realizing that I've cheated BOTH of us by not giving at least equal weight to what I want and how I feel. I haven't given her a chance to know who I really am when I am fully ME.
It's also a shock to realize that I've been thinking I've thought about myself in terms of “Am I being a good enough mother?” as opposed to: “Am I being a good enough ME?” Already I find myself shifting back from focusing on my role as mother to my role as a professional in my field. I'm remembering that one of the greatest gifts I can give my daughter is to model the possibility of being happy and successful doing what one loves.
All of this reminds me to be aware of patterns in my life. To ask myself in what situations do I play out this pattern with other people as well? How might I want to change these patterns?
The great thing is that as I play with these questions, I open up the possibility for changes that will enhance not only my life, but the lives of those I care about as well.
So....what are the patterns and priorities in your life and do you want to play with the idea of changing any of them? Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))).
April_optimist
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
An Award!
Thank you to Jumping in Puddles at Life Spacings who has given me The LOVE YA award:“These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."
Jumping in Puddles was kind enough to say:
April from http://thriverstoolbox.blogspot.com/ often we visit april because she is so clever at enveloping stories of herself into lessons she has learnt and then goes from there to questions for the readers. The journey she takes us on by doing this is a journey of self discovery and growth. Sometimes we have spent days pondering one of Aprils blogs thus reminding ourselves on how much we can still learn.
So now it's my turn. There are people I might have chosen if I didn't know they'd already been tagged. Since the idea is to spread the sense of community and introduce each other to perhaps bloggers our regular readers don't know this is actually probably a good thing. So I'm choosing:
Gypsy-Heart for her joyful approach to life and beautiful artwork.
Grace for her profound sense of faith and her gratitude posts.
Karma for her honesty about the challenges she faces.
Mile 191 for her faith and her thoughtful posts.
Leah for her awareness and sharing about abuse and how other survivors have coped.
Just Be Real for her determination to be true to herself and for her deep faith.
Metamorphosis/Peppermint Patty for the tools she offers bloggers on her website.
State of Grace for her reminder that we can be survivors and blog about lots of things not even remotely related to healing, having been abused, etc.
I love that the internet lets us all connect with each other and discover so many different ways that one can cope with, survive and triumph over abuse.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
PS If you haven't seen this already, I hope you'll go take a look. It's a reminder that dreams can come true. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY
Friday, April 10, 2009
Loss
I'll be back in a day or three to post a longer post. I know I'm running really late and didn't want anyone to worry. It's just that....a friend died suddenly on Sunday. I didn't even know he'd been sick.
It couldn't have been easy growing up gay in a small Texas town, but my friend greeted life with love and joy. He cared about everyone and I never heard him judge anyone. He was one of the most spiritual people I've ever met (he was studying to become a minister) and he truly believed there was a spark of good in everyone—even if they had trouble finding it at times. I will miss him deeply.
In death he brought together people who had not spoken to each other in over a year and between whom had been bitter feelings. At his funeral they hugged and spoke with mutual affection of the man we lost. He was young, much too young to die. But he did. I will miss him and I will miss his ability to be joyful in all situations.
It couldn't have been easy growing up gay in a small Texas town, but my friend greeted life with love and joy. He cared about everyone and I never heard him judge anyone. He was one of the most spiritual people I've ever met (he was studying to become a minister) and he truly believed there was a spark of good in everyone—even if they had trouble finding it at times. I will miss him deeply.
In death he brought together people who had not spoken to each other in over a year and between whom had been bitter feelings. At his funeral they hugged and spoke with mutual affection of the man we lost. He was young, much too young to die. But he did. I will miss him and I will miss his ability to be joyful in all situations.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
More on Stories
It's been an interesting week. We had a storm headed my way with baseball size hail, “rotations” in the storm that the weather forecasters said were likely to become tornadoes at any moment and heavy rain with thunder and lightening.
My daughter called to let me know she really is going to leave town and change graduate schools.
My son said, “They called the cops to the group home this morning.” He couldn't explain to me why.
In each of these cases my mind raced to make up stories. In each case, my first story was about loss or risk or things going terribly wrong. In each case, my second story was much better.
1) The storm could damage my roof.
2) The storm will weaken and I'll be fine.
1) I'll be all alone and what if I get hurt or really need my daughter?
2) My daughter has fabulous choices and I'll get to visit a place where I have friends and I'd love to see again.
1) My son is getting assaulted—or he's the one in trouble for something he's done.
2) Everything is okay and my son is well protected. When I find out what's going on, it will probably turn out to be nothing to worry about.
Now as it turned out, the storm DID weaken. My house and I WERE fine. My daughter IS excited about her choices and I know she and I will stay close no matter where she goes and I will enjoy visiting where she'll be. As for my son and the cops and the group home? Turns out they weren't cops, they were EMTs and the staff was worried that he was having a serious allergic reaction to something but he's fine.
I could have wasted time and energy being upset and anticipating things that never happened. But I spent too much of my life doing that—never again! Instead I'll continue to step back from my initial fear and reaction and choose to tell myself the positive stories and let myself be happy.
What are the new, positive stories you're learning to tell yourselves?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
My daughter called to let me know she really is going to leave town and change graduate schools.
My son said, “They called the cops to the group home this morning.” He couldn't explain to me why.
In each of these cases my mind raced to make up stories. In each case, my first story was about loss or risk or things going terribly wrong. In each case, my second story was much better.
1) The storm could damage my roof.
2) The storm will weaken and I'll be fine.
1) I'll be all alone and what if I get hurt or really need my daughter?
2) My daughter has fabulous choices and I'll get to visit a place where I have friends and I'd love to see again.
1) My son is getting assaulted—or he's the one in trouble for something he's done.
2) Everything is okay and my son is well protected. When I find out what's going on, it will probably turn out to be nothing to worry about.
Now as it turned out, the storm DID weaken. My house and I WERE fine. My daughter IS excited about her choices and I know she and I will stay close no matter where she goes and I will enjoy visiting where she'll be. As for my son and the cops and the group home? Turns out they weren't cops, they were EMTs and the staff was worried that he was having a serious allergic reaction to something but he's fine.
I could have wasted time and energy being upset and anticipating things that never happened. But I spent too much of my life doing that—never again! Instead I'll continue to step back from my initial fear and reaction and choose to tell myself the positive stories and let myself be happy.
What are the new, positive stories you're learning to tell yourselves?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Friday, March 20, 2009
Assumptions
I've talked about this before—how we tell ourselves stories about the people and events in our lives and then believe they're true. This week I had an epiphany that reminded me that no matter how sure we are that we're right our stories could be mistaken.
My ex-husband is often late for things. He doesn't like to follow rules. He encouraged our children not to do what people told them to—or follow rules if they didn't want to.
For years I told myself he was immature and/or passive aggressive and it drove me nuts! How could he handicap our son (Down syndrome) even more than he already was.
But...this week I woke up and had an epiphany. I know my ex-husband grew up hearing about relatives who died in Nazi concentration camps—and about those who escaped. He told me once that the reason he never wanted to own a house or other property was because some of the ones who died died because they owned property and wouldn't leave. These stories—he said—were why he put other people ahead of family.
Well, I woke up (having watched Life is Beautiful the day before) thinking: What if? What if my ex-husband grew up hearing about this relative or that who lived because he or she was late to some place they were supposed to be? What if he grew up hearing that this person or that lived because he or she refused to follow the rules and do what they were told to do? What if--?
What if so many of my assumptions were wrong and he was driven by an (unconscious or conscious) imperative that said because our son was handicapped it was even more essential that he not do what he was told because under the Nazis he would have been one of the first taken away?
It changes everything. And nothing. Problem behaviors are still a problem. Relationships that don't work still don't work. But...all of a sudden anger evaporates. Instead of feeling as if I was hostage to his behavior, I can see that perhaps he's hostage to the stories he heard and the emotions/behaviors those stories engendered.
And I may be completely wrong. It's all just speculation—another story I've told myself. But it doesn't matter. Because the real lesson is that there COULD always be reasons for anyone's behavior that may never occur to me. It's a reminder that it isn't necessarily about me—even when it seems to be (whatever “it” is in terms of someone's behavior). It's a reminder to hold compassion even for—maybe especially for—those who do things that upset or hurt me. It's a reminder of the importance of looking within and looking at where my own behaviors and assumptions come from and to challenge those that don't serve me.
It's a reminder that so many assumptions we make are just stories. Some have more evidence behind them than other but....still they are just stories. And stories can be rewritten—especially the ones that keep us trapped in hurt or anger or a mistaken sense of limitation.
Here's hoping you have your own epiphanies and rewrite some stories of your own this week. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
My ex-husband is often late for things. He doesn't like to follow rules. He encouraged our children not to do what people told them to—or follow rules if they didn't want to.
For years I told myself he was immature and/or passive aggressive and it drove me nuts! How could he handicap our son (Down syndrome) even more than he already was.
But...this week I woke up and had an epiphany. I know my ex-husband grew up hearing about relatives who died in Nazi concentration camps—and about those who escaped. He told me once that the reason he never wanted to own a house or other property was because some of the ones who died died because they owned property and wouldn't leave. These stories—he said—were why he put other people ahead of family.
Well, I woke up (having watched Life is Beautiful the day before) thinking: What if? What if my ex-husband grew up hearing about this relative or that who lived because he or she was late to some place they were supposed to be? What if he grew up hearing that this person or that lived because he or she refused to follow the rules and do what they were told to do? What if--?
What if so many of my assumptions were wrong and he was driven by an (unconscious or conscious) imperative that said because our son was handicapped it was even more essential that he not do what he was told because under the Nazis he would have been one of the first taken away?
It changes everything. And nothing. Problem behaviors are still a problem. Relationships that don't work still don't work. But...all of a sudden anger evaporates. Instead of feeling as if I was hostage to his behavior, I can see that perhaps he's hostage to the stories he heard and the emotions/behaviors those stories engendered.
And I may be completely wrong. It's all just speculation—another story I've told myself. But it doesn't matter. Because the real lesson is that there COULD always be reasons for anyone's behavior that may never occur to me. It's a reminder that it isn't necessarily about me—even when it seems to be (whatever “it” is in terms of someone's behavior). It's a reminder to hold compassion even for—maybe especially for—those who do things that upset or hurt me. It's a reminder of the importance of looking within and looking at where my own behaviors and assumptions come from and to challenge those that don't serve me.
It's a reminder that so many assumptions we make are just stories. Some have more evidence behind them than other but....still they are just stories. And stories can be rewritten—especially the ones that keep us trapped in hurt or anger or a mistaken sense of limitation.
Here's hoping you have your own epiphanies and rewrite some stories of your own this week. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Thursday, March 12, 2009
The Wisdom of Dogs
Dogs are great teachers. Sophy taught me something important this week. It was something I knew intellectually but I haven't always put it into practice.
She hates when I play Nintendo Wii. She thinks I should be paying attention to her instead. And she's smart enough to know that if one tactic doesn't work, try another.
She tried pawing me. That didn't work.
She tried barking at me. That didn't work either.
She tried climbing in my lap. I shoved her off.
She tried climbing in my lap and licking my face. I started laughing so hard I had to put down the remote and pet her because who can be angry at so much affection?
Sophy reminded me of two very important lessons this week:
1) If something doesn't work, try something else.
2) Affection is far more likely to get results than chastising the person. We want to give attention and affection to and be with those who love us—not those who are constantly scolding us for who we are and what we do.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
She hates when I play Nintendo Wii. She thinks I should be paying attention to her instead. And she's smart enough to know that if one tactic doesn't work, try another.
She tried pawing me. That didn't work.
She tried barking at me. That didn't work either.
She tried climbing in my lap. I shoved her off.
She tried climbing in my lap and licking my face. I started laughing so hard I had to put down the remote and pet her because who can be angry at so much affection?
Sophy reminded me of two very important lessons this week:
1) If something doesn't work, try something else.
2) Affection is far more likely to get results than chastising the person. We want to give attention and affection to and be with those who love us—not those who are constantly scolding us for who we are and what we do.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Challenges
I've been think a lot about challenges this week and this new sense of who I am. What I keep coming back to is the realization that the stronger we feel, the more sure of our self-worth the easier it is to face challenges head on.
If I'm right, then it becomes really important to think about ways to remind ourselves of what we have to offer. That's why I so often suggest making a list of our strengths and past successes. This list is a reminder that we have succeeded in the past and can succeed again. When we focus on the best we can be, we are far more likely to find the incentive and courage and resilience to become even better and to believe we can face our current challenges successfully.
When I talk with my daughter who is trying to decide whether or not to change graduate schools and her field of research, we talk about how her skills and strengths will give her options with each possible choice—and that helps to take away some of her angst. Because he believes in himself, a friend who is out of work knocks on doors and meets with people sure that sooner or later he will find the right spot and he's becoming more creative in the possibilities he's considering for himself. A stint substitute teaching made him realize that maybe he wants to go in a new direction entirely.
I've also think it's useful to make a list of resources available to us—which can include faith in something greater than ourselves.
A friend's son whose marriage just fell apart discovered that his brother was willing to have him move in and that he can help him get work and meet people so that he can begin to move forward with his life. Another job hunting friend realized when she made her list that there are resources she hasn't even begun yet to tap into yet. And I am constantly discovering that there are resources I hadn't known were available to me and would never have discovered if I believed I had to do everything myself or was afraid to ask for advice or help.
Lists of things that make me smile. I can't say enough about how important this was once I discovered the concept. It's what got me through so many difficult challenges, things that might have overwhelmed me or caused me to run the other way if I didn't have my list and made a point of using it to create reasons to smile every day no matter what was happening in my life at the time.
So....how do you build your self-esteem? How do you find courage to face challenges and create happiness in your life?
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
If I'm right, then it becomes really important to think about ways to remind ourselves of what we have to offer. That's why I so often suggest making a list of our strengths and past successes. This list is a reminder that we have succeeded in the past and can succeed again. When we focus on the best we can be, we are far more likely to find the incentive and courage and resilience to become even better and to believe we can face our current challenges successfully.
When I talk with my daughter who is trying to decide whether or not to change graduate schools and her field of research, we talk about how her skills and strengths will give her options with each possible choice—and that helps to take away some of her angst. Because he believes in himself, a friend who is out of work knocks on doors and meets with people sure that sooner or later he will find the right spot and he's becoming more creative in the possibilities he's considering for himself. A stint substitute teaching made him realize that maybe he wants to go in a new direction entirely.
I've also think it's useful to make a list of resources available to us—which can include faith in something greater than ourselves.
A friend's son whose marriage just fell apart discovered that his brother was willing to have him move in and that he can help him get work and meet people so that he can begin to move forward with his life. Another job hunting friend realized when she made her list that there are resources she hasn't even begun yet to tap into yet. And I am constantly discovering that there are resources I hadn't known were available to me and would never have discovered if I believed I had to do everything myself or was afraid to ask for advice or help.
Lists of things that make me smile. I can't say enough about how important this was once I discovered the concept. It's what got me through so many difficult challenges, things that might have overwhelmed me or caused me to run the other way if I didn't have my list and made a point of using it to create reasons to smile every day no matter what was happening in my life at the time.
So....how do you build your self-esteem? How do you find courage to face challenges and create happiness in your life?
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
More Discoveries
It's been an interesting week. My daughter is considering changing graduate schools (and leaving the city where I live). I've been fielding calls from her all week as she visits a couple of schools and pointing out to her that there are no bad choices here. Whatever choice she makes she'll do wonderful research, get a degree and have jobs waiting for her when she's done. And I see reflected in her worries how I used to be—terrified that I'd make the wrong decision and needing to try to imagine every possible contingency SO I COULD GET IT RIGHT.
I mention all of this because just posting my list last week seems to have had a profound impact on me. I'm late, for example, getting this post written because I've been working out the logistics of offering several online writing classes over the next month or two—instead of just setting up one as I would have in the past. And I've needed to get out the word to various writer's groups plus post it to my website and writer's blog. The interesting thing about that is...
When I felt the old fears that I wasn't worthy of the price (quite reasonable) for the classes, I was able to set aside the fear knowing that what I have to offer is actually worth far more than what I charge.
Just acknowledging a new perspective on who I am seems to be opening up ideas I hadn't had before. And I find myself moving from needing to GET IT RIGHT to being willing to take action and risk that I'll make mistakes or even—horrors!—possibly fail.
I'm recognizing—but not beating myself up over—those moments when I start to fall into old patterns AND I'm recognizing the way old thinking created those old patterns, some of which I hadn't realized were there.
I've known for a long time, but I'm seeing it more clearly this week, that anything we do we are likely to do better if we do it from a position of knowing our own talents and strengths. It is when we feel most secure that paradoxically we are freest to ask others for help, be willing to ask for advice and even risk failure by trying new things or things we're not sure we can do. It is when we feel safest that we can risk getting rid of walls around ourselves and move out of our comfort zones and really LIVE—rather than just trying to survive.
I'm finding that I can listen to someone's opinion of me and consider whether it's a) valid, b) has information that might be useful to me and c) still feel sure of my own self-worth. That's a huge change from how I lived most of my life when I felt so desperately dependent on the approval of others. Instead of asking myself what others will think, I'm asking myself what I think and what I want.
Granted, I have been moving in this direction for a long time. Making that list and posting it, however, still seems to have caused a far bigger shift than I would have expected. So I'm going to encourage all of you to make your own lists of who you are—or who you could be if you could let go of all your fears and became the person you were meant to be. What is your vision for yourself? Maybe PLAY with the idea! Your list isn't and won't be set in stone. What makes your list today might not match what makes your list a year from now as you discover new possibilities and what you really do and don't like. But it's a starting point, a way to move yourself into a new way of being and of seeing who you are and who you can become. I knew making the list for myself was a good idea but I'm still a bit stunned by the power it's having on my life this quickly.
Sending blessing and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I mention all of this because just posting my list last week seems to have had a profound impact on me. I'm late, for example, getting this post written because I've been working out the logistics of offering several online writing classes over the next month or two—instead of just setting up one as I would have in the past. And I've needed to get out the word to various writer's groups plus post it to my website and writer's blog. The interesting thing about that is...
When I felt the old fears that I wasn't worthy of the price (quite reasonable) for the classes, I was able to set aside the fear knowing that what I have to offer is actually worth far more than what I charge.
Just acknowledging a new perspective on who I am seems to be opening up ideas I hadn't had before. And I find myself moving from needing to GET IT RIGHT to being willing to take action and risk that I'll make mistakes or even—horrors!—possibly fail.
I'm recognizing—but not beating myself up over—those moments when I start to fall into old patterns AND I'm recognizing the way old thinking created those old patterns, some of which I hadn't realized were there.
I've known for a long time, but I'm seeing it more clearly this week, that anything we do we are likely to do better if we do it from a position of knowing our own talents and strengths. It is when we feel most secure that paradoxically we are freest to ask others for help, be willing to ask for advice and even risk failure by trying new things or things we're not sure we can do. It is when we feel safest that we can risk getting rid of walls around ourselves and move out of our comfort zones and really LIVE—rather than just trying to survive.
I'm finding that I can listen to someone's opinion of me and consider whether it's a) valid, b) has information that might be useful to me and c) still feel sure of my own self-worth. That's a huge change from how I lived most of my life when I felt so desperately dependent on the approval of others. Instead of asking myself what others will think, I'm asking myself what I think and what I want.
Granted, I have been moving in this direction for a long time. Making that list and posting it, however, still seems to have caused a far bigger shift than I would have expected. So I'm going to encourage all of you to make your own lists of who you are—or who you could be if you could let go of all your fears and became the person you were meant to be. What is your vision for yourself? Maybe PLAY with the idea! Your list isn't and won't be set in stone. What makes your list today might not match what makes your list a year from now as you discover new possibilities and what you really do and don't like. But it's a starting point, a way to move yourself into a new way of being and of seeing who you are and who you can become. I knew making the list for myself was a good idea but I'm still a bit stunned by the power it's having on my life this quickly.
Sending blessing and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Monday, February 16, 2009
I Am
I know it's been a while since I posted. It's been a bit hectic here, I had a cold, I....I was on the cusp of something.
I've been looking at what old ideas I'm ready to let go of NOW. I try to do this exercise at least two or three times a year. What I found this time was that wasn't enough. I needed something more. What I realized I needed was to look at what NEW ideas I was ready to embrace about myself. I looked at how am I willing to see myself NOW. I've talked about this before but this time I actually sat down and made a list. I asked myself.....
If I fully embrace my strengths, who am I? If I'm not a victim, who am I? Or who could I be if I let go of my fears? This is what I've come up with so far.
I am (or could be) (in no particular order):
healthy
youthful
graceful
artistic
musically gifted
creative
wise and resourceful
resilient
strong
clever
loving AND lovable
giving
courageous
playful
joyful
gracious
prosperous
a great friend
spiritual
a leader
respected and respectful
a fabulous mother
a fabulous and creative and joyful lover
a world traveler
a renowned and in demand public speaker
elegant
self-confident
willing to risk failure to achieve success
a source of good in the world
a catalyst for others to discover joy and their creative potential
always learning
It is strange to embrace the positive after a lifetime of feeling as if I had to make up for my inadequacies but...I think I kind of like it.
Here's hoping that each of you are learning to see yourselves in new and wonderful ways and embracing the reality and potential within. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I've been looking at what old ideas I'm ready to let go of NOW. I try to do this exercise at least two or three times a year. What I found this time was that wasn't enough. I needed something more. What I realized I needed was to look at what NEW ideas I was ready to embrace about myself. I looked at how am I willing to see myself NOW. I've talked about this before but this time I actually sat down and made a list. I asked myself.....
If I fully embrace my strengths, who am I? If I'm not a victim, who am I? Or who could I be if I let go of my fears? This is what I've come up with so far.
I am (or could be) (in no particular order):
healthy
youthful
graceful
artistic
musically gifted
creative
wise and resourceful
resilient
strong
clever
loving AND lovable
giving
courageous
playful
joyful
gracious
prosperous
a great friend
spiritual
a leader
respected and respectful
a fabulous mother
a fabulous and creative and joyful lover
a world traveler
a renowned and in demand public speaker
elegant
self-confident
willing to risk failure to achieve success
a source of good in the world
a catalyst for others to discover joy and their creative potential
always learning
It is strange to embrace the positive after a lifetime of feeling as if I had to make up for my inadequacies but...I think I kind of like it.
Here's hoping that each of you are learning to see yourselves in new and wonderful ways and embracing the reality and potential within. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Lemonade and the Connection Between Fear and Depression
Both mile191 and Colleen were kind enough to give me this lemonade award. It's about making lemonade from lemons. I'm supposed to nominate 10 blogs but I don't want to limit it to that. Every blog, by every survivor is about trying to make lemonade from lemons. It's trying to find a way and reason to hold on. If some blogs seem more pessimistic than others it's because we're all in different stages of our journey. But every person out there is doing the best they can in each moment. So to everyone out there I give this award. Each of you, in your own way, makes a difference and I honor the journey you are on.
I also want to talk about fear because I read a review of a book by James S. Gordon called: UNSTUCK: YOUR GUIDE TO THE SEVEN-STAGE JOURNEY OUT OF DEPRESSION. I haven't read the book but from the foreword (which can be read on Amazon.com), it's clear that Gordon takes the position that depression is based in fear—fear that we cannot change the situation we are in or the feelings we have. His approach appears to be giving people tools to change their situation and process past experiences and emotions. The moment I read that, it felt right to me. It matches my own experience and what I've observed with others.
In the years when I was depressed, I was afraid I could never stop hating myself. I was afraid I could never be happy. I was afraid my life couldn't change for the better. When I figured out how to begin to make changes in all of these things, I stopped being depressed and started being happy.
I don't know if this specific book is any good but I love that he takes this approach! I love that he realizes depression doesn't have to be permanent, that giving people tools to change their lives can make a huge difference. Had I known, had I been able to believe, when I was so depressed, that it was possible to learn how to change my situation and how I felt about myself, it would have made all the difference in the world.
Wishing for each of you the knowledge that your lives can get better and better and so can how you feel about yourself. Sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Thoughts on My Trip
Well, I'm back from helping my son settle into his group home. It wasn't an easy trip. It wasn't easy seeing his confusion about why he's there and his fear that it's a punishment because he “messed up big time at the house.”
I did my best to help him know that he's there because we love him and see it as a good step forward. I did my best to help him focus on what is good about his new situation. I also asked, every possible way, what he didn't like about the group home and double checked everything I could to make sure there was no abuse. He said, over and over, that he's unhappy he has to follow rules but that it's the only thing he doesn't like about the group home and that they are good to him there. I shudder when I think what it would be like if he had had to make such a move because something happened to both his father and me and neither of us were there to help him adjust.
I helped him move his things from the house to the group home. I helped him sort through the things at the house to see what he's ready to get rid of. We didn't finish the job but at least we finally started it. He got to see friends of mine who have known him since he was a young boy. And I think he is better for my visit.
I also saw the house for what may be the last time. I saw the work my ex will have to do to fix it up and I am more relieved than ever that I did not try to keep the house. I mourned—and am still mourning—the loss of hopes and dreams I had for my marriage, my home and my son. I worry about him but know that we talk every day and that if there is a real problem, he can tell me.
And I move forward with my own life. I celebrate, with the rest of the country, how far the United States has come since I was a child when the election of someone like Barack Obama as president would have been unthinkable. I love that he says we need not and must not betray our souls, our honor to create the lives we want to have. I love that he seeks to unite rather than divide us.
Change. In our personal lives and on the world stage we cannot avoid it. The challenge is to find a way to embrace it and see the possibilities. But it isn't always easy. That's why it's so important that we do so consciously choosing to look for what could be good about every change and challenge.
Here's hoping the changes in your life this week have been good ones. Sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_Optimist
I did my best to help him know that he's there because we love him and see it as a good step forward. I did my best to help him focus on what is good about his new situation. I also asked, every possible way, what he didn't like about the group home and double checked everything I could to make sure there was no abuse. He said, over and over, that he's unhappy he has to follow rules but that it's the only thing he doesn't like about the group home and that they are good to him there. I shudder when I think what it would be like if he had had to make such a move because something happened to both his father and me and neither of us were there to help him adjust.
I helped him move his things from the house to the group home. I helped him sort through the things at the house to see what he's ready to get rid of. We didn't finish the job but at least we finally started it. He got to see friends of mine who have known him since he was a young boy. And I think he is better for my visit.
I also saw the house for what may be the last time. I saw the work my ex will have to do to fix it up and I am more relieved than ever that I did not try to keep the house. I mourned—and am still mourning—the loss of hopes and dreams I had for my marriage, my home and my son. I worry about him but know that we talk every day and that if there is a real problem, he can tell me.
And I move forward with my own life. I celebrate, with the rest of the country, how far the United States has come since I was a child when the election of someone like Barack Obama as president would have been unthinkable. I love that he says we need not and must not betray our souls, our honor to create the lives we want to have. I love that he seeks to unite rather than divide us.
Change. In our personal lives and on the world stage we cannot avoid it. The challenge is to find a way to embrace it and see the possibilities. But it isn't always easy. That's why it's so important that we do so consciously choosing to look for what could be good about every change and challenge.
Here's hoping the changes in your life this week have been good ones. Sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_Optimist
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Changes For Me and My Son
Please keep me in your thoughts this week. I'm headed back east to see my son and help him settle into his group home a bit better. And I'll be taking what may be my last look at the house I lived in for so many years.
I'm not thrilled to go north in January but....one doesn't always have a choice about the timing. My son needs help now to choose what to take to his group home and what to let go of forever. Not an easy thing for anyone—much less someone with Down syndrome.
My daughter will stay with Sophy, which makes things easier for me. I will stay with friends, knowing that they, too, are talking about moving within the next few years.
I will use this visit to see myself in a new way and I will remind myself of all the good that has come out of past changes.
May change come more and more easily for you every day and may you see each challenge as full of wonderful possibilities. Blessings and safe and gentle ((((((((hugs)))))))) to all of you.
April_optimist
I'm not thrilled to go north in January but....one doesn't always have a choice about the timing. My son needs help now to choose what to take to his group home and what to let go of forever. Not an easy thing for anyone—much less someone with Down syndrome.
My daughter will stay with Sophy, which makes things easier for me. I will stay with friends, knowing that they, too, are talking about moving within the next few years.
I will use this visit to see myself in a new way and I will remind myself of all the good that has come out of past changes.
May change come more and more easily for you every day and may you see each challenge as full of wonderful possibilities. Blessings and safe and gentle ((((((((hugs)))))))) to all of you.
April_optimist
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
10 Things I Like About Myself
Colleen challenged me to do this variation of the 10 honest things. I think it's a great exercise because I suspect we all tend to think first of what we perceive as our failings instead of our strengths. But those things we like are the basis, the foundation for our ability to change and our belief that we can. So here goes, not in any particular order...
1) I'm creative.
2) I'm resilient.
3) I have the courage to do things even when they scare me.
4) I'm supportive of others and able to help people feel good about themselves.
5) I can knit and sew and often get compliments on the things I make.
6) I'm a great public speaker.
7) I'm good with money.
8) I'm a good mother and a good friend.
9) I'm intelligent.
10) I'm a really good writer.
When I look at this list, I see the things that have allowed me to make major changes in my life.
It reminds me that it's okay to take chances because odds are I'll figure out a way to do whatever it is that's important to me.
It reminds me that I'm not a victim. I was as a child but now I'm a strong, competent woman who can handle challenges that come my way.
It reminds me that it's okay to be happy now.
So....what would your list look like? I invite everyone to play!
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
1) I'm creative.
2) I'm resilient.
3) I have the courage to do things even when they scare me.
4) I'm supportive of others and able to help people feel good about themselves.
5) I can knit and sew and often get compliments on the things I make.
6) I'm a great public speaker.
7) I'm good with money.
8) I'm a good mother and a good friend.
9) I'm intelligent.
10) I'm a really good writer.
When I look at this list, I see the things that have allowed me to make major changes in my life.
It reminds me that it's okay to take chances because odds are I'll figure out a way to do whatever it is that's important to me.
It reminds me that I'm not a victim. I was as a child but now I'm a strong, competent woman who can handle challenges that come my way.
It reminds me that it's okay to be happy now.
So....what would your list look like? I invite everyone to play!
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
New Year's Eve
New Year's Eve. It's supposed to be a momentous time—changing over to the new year. And I suppose I do find myself reflecting on this past year and the changes I want to make in the new year. I'm not making resolutions, though. Instead, I'm looking at the stories I tell myself and asking which ones I might want to rewrite.
I know, of course, that I want to rewrite any that begin with the assumption I'm stupid or incompetent about or can't do something. I know that I want to rewrite any that set limits on what's possible for me. I want to rewrite any that say I can't have love or happiness or prosperity.
I find myself thinking about all of this now because very soon I will be going back east to see my son in his new environment, in the group home. I know that it's important to think carefully about what I will tell him about this big change in his life, the story I will help him create for himself.
What are the stories you tell yourself that you might want to rewrite as we enter this new year? I'd love to know and to know what happens when you rewrite them.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I know, of course, that I want to rewrite any that begin with the assumption I'm stupid or incompetent about or can't do something. I know that I want to rewrite any that set limits on what's possible for me. I want to rewrite any that say I can't have love or happiness or prosperity.
I find myself thinking about all of this now because very soon I will be going back east to see my son in his new environment, in the group home. I know that it's important to think carefully about what I will tell him about this big change in his life, the story I will help him create for himself.
What are the stories you tell yourself that you might want to rewrite as we enter this new year? I'd love to know and to know what happens when you rewrite them.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Bittersweet Time of Year
Usually I love this time of year. Yes, there are some childhood memories that aren't pleasant from this time of year but there are more of those memories where Christmas would remind my parents of who they wanted to be. At least for a short time my mother would remember that she wanted to love and make us happy. My father would grin as he brought in and set up the tree. We would go sledding or out to the slopes to ski.
This year...it somehow feels different not having my son with me on Christmas. That's been true for several years now but....this year feels different. Because now he's in the group home and it feels like he's more distant than he was before. That makes no sense, I know, but...this year as I wrapped his presents and even now as I write this I find myself crying, grieving the loss of how I wish things could be.
I haven't begun my Christmas cards though the packages have been sent out. And I spent this morning with my daughter as she searched for the right present for her brother and dad. We made plans for her to come over for Christmas eve and I was reminded how lucky and blessed I am that this is possible. Of course, knowing that she might switch graduate schools and leave the area is another potential loss and one that hits hard on the heels of my emotions about my son and the group home.
Don't get me wrong. It's a wonderful group home. And I know it's a chance for him to grow up in new ways that could make his life easier. And if another graduate school will be better for my daughter I will be happy for her. But it will be a loss in my life to have her go.
It cheers me up to see my tree, though mind you it's a challenge getting my dog Sophy to understand the round things on the tree are NOT balls for her to play with!
So....my cards will go out late, but that's nothing new. I'll cherish the time I have with my daughter on Christmas eve and Christmas day. I'll talk with my son over the phone. And I'll acknowledge the anniversary of my father's death on Christmas eve by lighting a candle and remembering the times he was able to be a good father. I'll remember, too, the hurt that caused him, in turn, to hurt me—a reminder of why it's so important to find ways to love and accept ourselves so that we do not repeat the harm our abusers did.
A mixed bundle of emotions, this time of year. I suspect it's that way for most people.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
This year...it somehow feels different not having my son with me on Christmas. That's been true for several years now but....this year feels different. Because now he's in the group home and it feels like he's more distant than he was before. That makes no sense, I know, but...this year as I wrapped his presents and even now as I write this I find myself crying, grieving the loss of how I wish things could be.
I haven't begun my Christmas cards though the packages have been sent out. And I spent this morning with my daughter as she searched for the right present for her brother and dad. We made plans for her to come over for Christmas eve and I was reminded how lucky and blessed I am that this is possible. Of course, knowing that she might switch graduate schools and leave the area is another potential loss and one that hits hard on the heels of my emotions about my son and the group home.
Don't get me wrong. It's a wonderful group home. And I know it's a chance for him to grow up in new ways that could make his life easier. And if another graduate school will be better for my daughter I will be happy for her. But it will be a loss in my life to have her go.
It cheers me up to see my tree, though mind you it's a challenge getting my dog Sophy to understand the round things on the tree are NOT balls for her to play with!
So....my cards will go out late, but that's nothing new. I'll cherish the time I have with my daughter on Christmas eve and Christmas day. I'll talk with my son over the phone. And I'll acknowledge the anniversary of my father's death on Christmas eve by lighting a candle and remembering the times he was able to be a good father. I'll remember, too, the hurt that caused him, in turn, to hurt me—a reminder of why it's so important to find ways to love and accept ourselves so that we do not repeat the harm our abusers did.
A mixed bundle of emotions, this time of year. I suspect it's that way for most people.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
10 Honest Things
Mile191 has been kind enough to give me an award. Thank you!
With this award I'm supposed to list 10 honest things about myself.
1) I'm a coward. It gets better all the time but my first reaction to something new is to be scared. I always have to take deep breaths and reset my thinking before I can do them. The good thing is that once I do them, I have more evidence that I can do things and I don't need to be scared.
2) I get impatient with my kids. I want my son (who has Down Syndrome) to realize that if he followed rules, his life would be easier. I wish he had all the freedom in the world to live the way he wants, but that is not his reality. I get impatient with my daughter when she goes in circles worrying about making absolutely sure she makes the right choice about anything. The irony is that I know this may be at least in part due to watching me do that as she grew up.
3) My house is nowhere near as neat as I'd like. It's far better than when I was married but it's not at the level I'd like it to be.
4) I love playing video games, especially games like Zelda.
5) I hate cold weather and ice and snow. I grew up in a cold climate and my ancestors are from cold climates but....I'd much rather have warmth.
6) Even though I have a lot of published books, there are times when I don't feel like a “real” writer. The one thing that helps is that most published writers I know also have those moments of self-doubt.
7) I hate confrontation. I suspect I always will.
8) My dog gets to sleep on my bed and I feel safer having her in the house.
9) I wish I could spend more time with my kids even though I know the greatest gift I can give them is the freedom to create their own lives.
10) I believe that deep within us is the courage and resilience we need to heal. I believe that by reaching for moments of joy in our lives, we nourish that courage and resilience and in accepting ourselves we have the best shot of becoming the people we want to be.
And now I'd like to pass the award on to:
Clinically Clueless
Colleen
Enola
Gypsy-Heart
Jumping in Puddles
Kahless
Karma
Keepers
Kim
If, that is, you want to play. And I'm sure I'm forgetting people I really should add to this list.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Stories, pt 2
I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I think that especially in times like this it's important to stop and list what we're grateful for. It's a tangible reminder to ourselves that even in the midst of chaos or trouble, we do have moments of joy, things that do—or could, if we let them—make us smile.
I've needed that reminder this past week. Today it becomes official—my son's move into the group home. And it's a good one. I was very impressed when I visited it—and I kept expecting to find things that upset me and was surprised when I didn't. He will finally have a chance to learn the social and behavior skills that could make his life easier and happier.
Still, it's a big change. And my son is scared. And it's hard to separate my emotions from his on this—even when I know in my head it's the best possible thing for him. Nor does it help when my ex-husband starts obsessing over who will have the right to handle our son's money (SSI, any paychecks, family gifts, etc.) because his fears trigger old patterns for me. We're telling ourselves stories, each of us, and it isn't helping.
I'm pretty sure this will be good for my son. He tells me the place is nice and he likes “hanging out with my guys.” They have lots of activities and seem sensitive to the needs of each resident. But he's scared. So I reassure him it's normal to feel scared when there's such a big change but he's loved and it will feel like home soon—if he lets it. And that he can and should tell me if there are problems. With luck, I'm giving him a story that will help him adjust. One that leaves room for him to let me know if there are problems.
I couldn't sleep last night and realized around 2 am that part of what I'm feeling is guilt—that I couldn't give my son everything he needed myself. And I realized that perhaps I've been punishing myself for that “sin.” More stories. Stories about what kind of mother I “should” be and stories about how I should treat myself if I fall short.
The irony is that by doing so I made myself less resilient and I had less energy to do things that might make the transition easier for my son. I realized that if I did things that made me happy, I'd probably be over my cold by now and I'd have more energy and more creativity with which to reassure him. And I'd be happier. Win win.
Which took me back to the story our culture tells us about life—that we have to suffer if we make mistakes, that we shouldn't be too happy, that if we fail to meet expectations we have no right to be happy, etc. At least, that's the culture I suspect many of us grew up in. And I know it's false. In my writing classes and coaching I teach that finding the easiest way, the way that brings us joy is actually the most effective. That's true in writing and it's true in life—even if it did take me way too long to figure it out!
When we are happy, when we accept ourselves, then we can be open to feedback and advice. When we are happy, when we accept ourselves, we are likely to have the energy and desire to help others—and to be able to accept them as they are. When we are happy, when we accept ourselves, then we are most likely to be able to be the kind of person that best fits our values, to live our lives in good and honorable ways.
But somehow I forgot. Not consciously but on the level I didn't realize I was making these assumptions and creating the sense of guilt for myself. As I say so often, IT IS THE ASSUMPTION WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WE'RE MAKING THAT TRIPS US UP.
So....today I'll make a conscious effort to do things that make me happy and focus on the good things in my life. And remind myself of all the reasons this change in my son's life IS a good one. Not that I'll stop checking with him that everything is okay and letting him know he can tell me if there's a problem. But I'll remind myself of all the reasons I came away from the group home knowing what a fabulous opportunity this is for my son. I'll try to notice the stories I'm telling myself and let go of them—especially the ones that don't serve me (or my son) well.
Here's hoping all of you are able to see the blessings in YOUR lives and find ways to be happy—every day! Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I've needed that reminder this past week. Today it becomes official—my son's move into the group home. And it's a good one. I was very impressed when I visited it—and I kept expecting to find things that upset me and was surprised when I didn't. He will finally have a chance to learn the social and behavior skills that could make his life easier and happier.
Still, it's a big change. And my son is scared. And it's hard to separate my emotions from his on this—even when I know in my head it's the best possible thing for him. Nor does it help when my ex-husband starts obsessing over who will have the right to handle our son's money (SSI, any paychecks, family gifts, etc.) because his fears trigger old patterns for me. We're telling ourselves stories, each of us, and it isn't helping.
I'm pretty sure this will be good for my son. He tells me the place is nice and he likes “hanging out with my guys.” They have lots of activities and seem sensitive to the needs of each resident. But he's scared. So I reassure him it's normal to feel scared when there's such a big change but he's loved and it will feel like home soon—if he lets it. And that he can and should tell me if there are problems. With luck, I'm giving him a story that will help him adjust. One that leaves room for him to let me know if there are problems.
I couldn't sleep last night and realized around 2 am that part of what I'm feeling is guilt—that I couldn't give my son everything he needed myself. And I realized that perhaps I've been punishing myself for that “sin.” More stories. Stories about what kind of mother I “should” be and stories about how I should treat myself if I fall short.
The irony is that by doing so I made myself less resilient and I had less energy to do things that might make the transition easier for my son. I realized that if I did things that made me happy, I'd probably be over my cold by now and I'd have more energy and more creativity with which to reassure him. And I'd be happier. Win win.
Which took me back to the story our culture tells us about life—that we have to suffer if we make mistakes, that we shouldn't be too happy, that if we fail to meet expectations we have no right to be happy, etc. At least, that's the culture I suspect many of us grew up in. And I know it's false. In my writing classes and coaching I teach that finding the easiest way, the way that brings us joy is actually the most effective. That's true in writing and it's true in life—even if it did take me way too long to figure it out!
When we are happy, when we accept ourselves, then we can be open to feedback and advice. When we are happy, when we accept ourselves, we are likely to have the energy and desire to help others—and to be able to accept them as they are. When we are happy, when we accept ourselves, then we are most likely to be able to be the kind of person that best fits our values, to live our lives in good and honorable ways.
But somehow I forgot. Not consciously but on the level I didn't realize I was making these assumptions and creating the sense of guilt for myself. As I say so often, IT IS THE ASSUMPTION WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WE'RE MAKING THAT TRIPS US UP.
So....today I'll make a conscious effort to do things that make me happy and focus on the good things in my life. And remind myself of all the reasons this change in my son's life IS a good one. Not that I'll stop checking with him that everything is okay and letting him know he can tell me if there's a problem. But I'll remind myself of all the reasons I came away from the group home knowing what a fabulous opportunity this is for my son. I'll try to notice the stories I'm telling myself and let go of them—especially the ones that don't serve me (or my son) well.
Here's hoping all of you are able to see the blessings in YOUR lives and find ways to be happy—every day! Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Monday, November 24, 2008
Stories
I've been thinking a lot this week about stories. Not the kind I write, but the stories we tell ourselves about other people's words and actions. We can't help it—that's what people do, we try to make sense of things and we do it by making guesses about what the other person might have meant by what they said or did. Or we tell ourselves stories about how people OUGHT to treat us.
The problem is that so often we make the mistake of assuming these stories are truth. This is a problem because the stories we tell ourselves are often what determine how we feel and how we act toward others. And how we act toward others, in turn helps determine the stories they tell themselves and therefore how they treat us. Which means it's easy to get into a downward spiral if we—and they—tend to tell negative stories.
Even worse, the stories we tell ourselves are often based in our own fears about ourselves. It may never occur to the other person to see us as stupid but we may tell ourselves a story that assumes they do—IF that's one of our fears. On the other hand, if being stupid is NOT one of our fears then even if the other person IS trying to say we are, we either won't hear it or we won't care. Because we know on such a deep level it isn't true. But any time we tell ourselves a negative story that touches on one of our fears about ourselves we are reinforcing that fear and making ourselves unhappy—while the other person goes on their merry way.
That's the thing. The stories we tell ourselves rarely have any impact on how the other person feels—but they have a huge impact on how WE feel.
I've been thinking about this as I watch people—including myself—prepare for Thanksgiving and I listen to the stories being told. I hear expectations of being treated badly or anticipation of levels of harmony that aren't likely to play out. I find myself wondering what would happen if each of us just went forward. No stories, just waiting to see what happens. Maybe WE would act differently—and therefore get different results. Maybe WE would think of new ways to respond if someone did treat us with disrespect. Maybe it would free up our energy to be able to either ignore trouble or to walk away from it—or to choose new traditions entirely.
There is something I heard Wayne Dyer say: What you think of me is none of my business.
How much of our energy goes into worrying what others think of us? What if, instead, we could use that energy to do things that would let us like ourselves better? What if we were able to see people as they are—not in terms of whether or not they will validate us?
It's an interesting experiment, stepping back from the stories we tell ourselves and just...being. Just letting events unfold—rather than trying to anticipate them. I know this is a tough exercise for anyone who has lived in an abusive situation. Survival often meant being hyper alert and anticipating possible (probable?) dangers and situations. If, however, we no longer live in such situations, we might be better served by letting go of those defense mechanisms in most situations NOW.
I think it's going to be an interesting week. I'm trying to let go of the stories I tend to tell myself and see what happens when I do. I'm looking forward to discovering the ways my life will get better because of this new approach to life and my interactions with others. I realize, you see, what it's cost me to tell myself these stories in the past. There is real power in switching our focus from surviving/getting through a situation and in asking ourselves instead: What could make this a great experience for me?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
The problem is that so often we make the mistake of assuming these stories are truth. This is a problem because the stories we tell ourselves are often what determine how we feel and how we act toward others. And how we act toward others, in turn helps determine the stories they tell themselves and therefore how they treat us. Which means it's easy to get into a downward spiral if we—and they—tend to tell negative stories.
Even worse, the stories we tell ourselves are often based in our own fears about ourselves. It may never occur to the other person to see us as stupid but we may tell ourselves a story that assumes they do—IF that's one of our fears. On the other hand, if being stupid is NOT one of our fears then even if the other person IS trying to say we are, we either won't hear it or we won't care. Because we know on such a deep level it isn't true. But any time we tell ourselves a negative story that touches on one of our fears about ourselves we are reinforcing that fear and making ourselves unhappy—while the other person goes on their merry way.
That's the thing. The stories we tell ourselves rarely have any impact on how the other person feels—but they have a huge impact on how WE feel.
I've been thinking about this as I watch people—including myself—prepare for Thanksgiving and I listen to the stories being told. I hear expectations of being treated badly or anticipation of levels of harmony that aren't likely to play out. I find myself wondering what would happen if each of us just went forward. No stories, just waiting to see what happens. Maybe WE would act differently—and therefore get different results. Maybe WE would think of new ways to respond if someone did treat us with disrespect. Maybe it would free up our energy to be able to either ignore trouble or to walk away from it—or to choose new traditions entirely.
There is something I heard Wayne Dyer say: What you think of me is none of my business.
How much of our energy goes into worrying what others think of us? What if, instead, we could use that energy to do things that would let us like ourselves better? What if we were able to see people as they are—not in terms of whether or not they will validate us?
It's an interesting experiment, stepping back from the stories we tell ourselves and just...being. Just letting events unfold—rather than trying to anticipate them. I know this is a tough exercise for anyone who has lived in an abusive situation. Survival often meant being hyper alert and anticipating possible (probable?) dangers and situations. If, however, we no longer live in such situations, we might be better served by letting go of those defense mechanisms in most situations NOW.
I think it's going to be an interesting week. I'm trying to let go of the stories I tend to tell myself and see what happens when I do. I'm looking forward to discovering the ways my life will get better because of this new approach to life and my interactions with others. I realize, you see, what it's cost me to tell myself these stories in the past. There is real power in switching our focus from surviving/getting through a situation and in asking ourselves instead: What could make this a great experience for me?
Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Monday, November 17, 2008
Brothers
I know I'm behind posting. Blame a bad cold to start with. Add to that contact with my brothers for the first time in a long time. One brother's house burned down. He and his family are okay but the house is a total loss. It is strange to feel all the emotions this evokes.
I grew up feeling responsible for this brother. Stopped my mother from throwing him against the wall when he was an infant and I was about 3 years old. Gave him the attention no one else in the family did. Only to have him side with my older brother at the worst of times.
I know my brothers were as trapped as I was. They made very different choices than I did about how to handle that reality. And to this day that hurts—and makes me wary of them, deservedly so or not.
I hurt for my brother and the loss he has suffered—even though I know he has a community of people who can and will help him. I ended up talking to my other brother because he, too, was concerned when neither of us could at first reach our brother to see if he and his family were okay and whether or not their home was.
I find myself still protective enough of my brother(s) not to want to specify what went wrong as we were growing up even as I know I'll never be able to trust either of them even now. I find myself angry that in many ways they have happier, more prosperous lives than I do given the past. I find myself thinking that while I do not want to be capable of making some of the choices they did, perhaps I can look at how they were able to get to where they are and whether there is anything positive I can use without violating my own core set of values.
It is strange feeling this empathy for my brother at the same time that I feel wariness and remember hurt. I am grateful I can feel that empathy. It is the lack of that capability that allowed my abusers to do what they did. I want to be someone capable of loving and caring about even those who have hurt me. (Though I am NOT going to choose to put myself in possible harms way just because I do!)
More to mull over as I drink hot tea and try to convince my poor dog that today is NOT a good day for me to take her for a walk in the windy cold outside.....
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))) to all of you,
April_optimist
I grew up feeling responsible for this brother. Stopped my mother from throwing him against the wall when he was an infant and I was about 3 years old. Gave him the attention no one else in the family did. Only to have him side with my older brother at the worst of times.
I know my brothers were as trapped as I was. They made very different choices than I did about how to handle that reality. And to this day that hurts—and makes me wary of them, deservedly so or not.
I hurt for my brother and the loss he has suffered—even though I know he has a community of people who can and will help him. I ended up talking to my other brother because he, too, was concerned when neither of us could at first reach our brother to see if he and his family were okay and whether or not their home was.
I find myself still protective enough of my brother(s) not to want to specify what went wrong as we were growing up even as I know I'll never be able to trust either of them even now. I find myself angry that in many ways they have happier, more prosperous lives than I do given the past. I find myself thinking that while I do not want to be capable of making some of the choices they did, perhaps I can look at how they were able to get to where they are and whether there is anything positive I can use without violating my own core set of values.
It is strange feeling this empathy for my brother at the same time that I feel wariness and remember hurt. I am grateful I can feel that empathy. It is the lack of that capability that allowed my abusers to do what they did. I want to be someone capable of loving and caring about even those who have hurt me. (Though I am NOT going to choose to put myself in possible harms way just because I do!)
More to mull over as I drink hot tea and try to convince my poor dog that today is NOT a good day for me to take her for a walk in the windy cold outside.....
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))) to all of you,
April_optimist
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Who Am I Now, pt. 2
I've been thinking more about this and truly appreciate everyone who has taken the time to comment on my last post.
I find myself thinking that part of the problem is the definition I have of survivor of abuse. The image I carry in my head that I don't even consciously know I do. And I'm thinking that maybe what I need to do is redefine that label—just as I've redefined other major labels in my life in recent years.
Part of it is trying to decide where to put my energy and focus. Trying to figure out what my sense of responsibility is telling me to do—and how that fits with where I would put my energy and focus if this wasn't part of my life.
I find myself looking for change in all sorts of areas of my life. I took off the slipcover on the couch so that it went from dark green to lightly patterned beige. I'm looking for curtains for a couple of rooms in my house—after being perfectly happy with just blinds for the past couple of years since I moved in here. I'm rethinking how I fix my hair and the clothes I wear. I adopted my dog just a couple of months ago. I find myself even changing what I choose to eat.
In other words, it's not just the question of being a survivor—and how I define that and how “visible I do or don't want to be. I seem to be redefining myself—and my living space—in lots of ways, without knowing why or where it's taking me.
I catch myself thinking: I can't, I can't. I stop and remind myself that probably I can—no matter what it is—that I have been very successful in the past in a number of areas.
I catch myself scolding myself for some mistake made in the past—and have to remind myself that it wasn't a disaster and was part of the learning process.
I find myself calling in my mind to people who have helped me in the past—wishing they could give me answers now. And I remind myself that mostly they listened and I figured things out myself. I remind myself that the choices I regret most are the times I didn't listen to my instincts—especially when I listened to the advice of others instead.
So I'm changing. That's a good thing. I'm just not sure where it's taking me—or why it's happening now. In terms of the question of being a survivor, I suppose I need to stop thinking of it as all or nothing and perhaps ask myself instead: How can I incorporate this identity into my writing and life in a whole new way? What options haven't I thought of? How can I use the positives to give me greater confidence than if none of it had ever happened?
Bear with me as I explore possibilities. I hope that each of you are having epiphanies of your own as you make your journeys—and discovering reasons to smile and laugh and know your own strength and capabilities.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I find myself thinking that part of the problem is the definition I have of survivor of abuse. The image I carry in my head that I don't even consciously know I do. And I'm thinking that maybe what I need to do is redefine that label—just as I've redefined other major labels in my life in recent years.
Part of it is trying to decide where to put my energy and focus. Trying to figure out what my sense of responsibility is telling me to do—and how that fits with where I would put my energy and focus if this wasn't part of my life.
I find myself looking for change in all sorts of areas of my life. I took off the slipcover on the couch so that it went from dark green to lightly patterned beige. I'm looking for curtains for a couple of rooms in my house—after being perfectly happy with just blinds for the past couple of years since I moved in here. I'm rethinking how I fix my hair and the clothes I wear. I adopted my dog just a couple of months ago. I find myself even changing what I choose to eat.
In other words, it's not just the question of being a survivor—and how I define that and how “visible I do or don't want to be. I seem to be redefining myself—and my living space—in lots of ways, without knowing why or where it's taking me.
I catch myself thinking: I can't, I can't. I stop and remind myself that probably I can—no matter what it is—that I have been very successful in the past in a number of areas.
I catch myself scolding myself for some mistake made in the past—and have to remind myself that it wasn't a disaster and was part of the learning process.
I find myself calling in my mind to people who have helped me in the past—wishing they could give me answers now. And I remind myself that mostly they listened and I figured things out myself. I remind myself that the choices I regret most are the times I didn't listen to my instincts—especially when I listened to the advice of others instead.
So I'm changing. That's a good thing. I'm just not sure where it's taking me—or why it's happening now. In terms of the question of being a survivor, I suppose I need to stop thinking of it as all or nothing and perhaps ask myself instead: How can I incorporate this identity into my writing and life in a whole new way? What options haven't I thought of? How can I use the positives to give me greater confidence than if none of it had ever happened?
Bear with me as I explore possibilities. I hope that each of you are having epiphanies of your own as you make your journeys—and discovering reasons to smile and laugh and know your own strength and capabilities.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
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