Jumping in Puddles asked a great question: How did I get from feeling guilty that people were stuck with me to knowing they are lucky to have me in their lives?
The turning point was when I found the right counselor. I found someone who listened, really listened to me, treated me with respect, and believed in me even when I had trouble believing in myself.
Because I could respect him, as well, I valued what he had to say. I know—in my last post I said I was afraid he would decide I was too much trouble and kick me out. That’s the irony of this process—we can believe two contradictory things at once. I knew he believed in me. I was afraid he would decide I was too much trouble.
Maybe that’s the core of it—when the knowledge I had began to balance and then outweigh the fear.
Because someone believed in me so profoundly, I began to believe in myself. As a result, I began to act differently. Now, when I would walk into a room, instead of trying to be invisible, I began to act AS IF I EXPECTED people to be happy to see me. And they were. That’s when I began to form my “fishbowl theory” of life. That is: We are all standing on the outside of a huge fishbowl. We can see people to the right and left of us. When we look straight ahead, the fishbowl seems full of people and we are shut out of it. The reality is that the people we think are inside the fishbowl are actually on the far side of it and they think WE are the ones inside the fishbowl!
I began to realize that everyone has self-doubts. I began to realize that our experience is what we create it to be. I began to understand how powerfully our expectations impact what happens. I began to risk sharing more and more of who I was and found so much acceptance that it became possible to believe in what I had to offer. Because I could see that one person believed in me, I could begin to realize that a lot of other people did too--even though I hadn't been able to recognize that before then.
My divorce helped, too. I ended up driving across country. Alone. Not knowing where I would end up living. I knew some of what I wanted but not where it would be. I learned a great deal about myself and my coping skills and my resilience. I learned how friendly people were everywhere I went. I discovered that judgments I had accepted about my character were flawed. (I still remember staying in a hotel in Austin and suddenly realizing that wishing I had an automatic coffee maker did NOT make me a terrible person after all! I’d been so brainwashed that after my divorce someone offered me a coffee maker—free—and I turned them down because I believed what I’d been told for so long!)
Another turning point was when I made a conscious choice to question every judgment, every assumption I held about myself. I decided to challenge every belief. There were some astonishing surprises. I discovered I wasn’t tone deaf—something I’d believed for decades! I discovered people liked me. I discovered I wouldn’t always get lost driving places, that I could follow a map, and if I did get lost I’d find my way to where I wanted or needed to be and it wouldn’t be the end of the world anyway. I discovered that I could believe in my intuition. I realized that what I’d been told were flaws were sometimes my greatest strengths. I realized that wanting joy in my life wasn’t a bad thing and didn’t make me a horribly selfish person. I realized that I could make mistakes and forgive myself and that most of the time other people would, too.
It is a process, part of the journey. I hope it never ends because my life keeps getting better and better all the time because I keep growing and learning. I’m sure I’ll have moments in the future when I realize I’m still holding onto assumptions and beliefs about myself that no longer serve me. That’s okay. It will just be another opportunity to become happier.
I hope that each of you out there can find someone who believes in you—really sees you and believes in you. Someone who treats you with respect and hears you when you speak. Once that happens, I hope you can realize there are lots of other people who can and will believe in you as well. I hope that each of you decides to challenge every negative belief about yourself and find ways to bring joy into your life EVERY DAY--even if it’s just a flavored coffee or lovely cup of tea, maybe a walk in a garden or a movie that makes you laugh. I hope that joy is part of your existence—even if you can only manage it for a moment at a time. Because we all deserve joy in our lives, we all deserve to find people who believe in us and treat us with kindness and respect.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Believing in Yourself, Pt. 2
One of my friends asked this past week why my daughter’s visit should have caused me to doubt myself. It didn’t work that way for her with her daughter. As I thought about it I realized it was caused by an assumption I really ought to question—one I’d thought I’d left behind me some time ago.
For years, I did everything I could for my husband and my children. In part it was because I felt so bad that they were stuck with me—as a wife for my husband and a mother for my children. I felt I had to make it up to them. And it wasn’t just with my family. I never made waves with my editor or my counselor, when I went into counseling, or with my friends or pretty much any other area of my life. I never dared challenge ANYONE. I felt, you see, that I had so little worth that at any moment they would realize I was too much trouble or get fed up with having to deal with me and they’d toss me away. It didn’t help that some people had walked away when I stood up for myself.
That’s where I was stuck for most of my life—in that kind of thinking and feeling. It shows you how far I’ve come that I had to really stop and think to realize that my reaction to my daughter’s visit was caused by a vestige of that.
Of course, once I realized what it was that was triggering my reaction, I found myself thinking: Screw that—I’m going to move to a belief that she is lucky to have me in her life!
I cringe as I write all this. It’s hard to let myself remember that this was my way of life for so long. NOW I realize that people are lucky to have me in their lives and that if someone walks away—for ANY reason--that’s okay too. There will be other people who do value me.
Now please understand that when I talk about standing up for myself, I’m not talking about angry confrontations! I’m talking about simply speaking up and letting the other person know what matters to me. I’m talking about respectful dialogue. And if someone isn’t willing to treat me with respect, well, I’M not willing to have that person in my life any more.
It's also important to realize that when we are so afraid of being abandoned, we are likely to speak and act in ways that are less than ideal. We may make the very mistakes that will cause someone to walk away, just as we fear. When that happens we may make the mistake of believing we have been abandoned rather than looking at the ways our behavior--that came out of our fear--created the problem. If we are not careful, if we are not honest with ourselves, we may believe that once again we have been abandoned when in truth it could have been avoided if we had not been so afraid in the first place.
Self-esteem is an issue for so many people—whether they were ever abused or not. We live in a society that uses artificial values rather than recognizing that every soul matters, every person is worthy of respect and love. And I truly believe that the greatest harm is done when someone feels a total absence of love and respect—especially self-love and self-respect.
As adults, we create the world we live in by how we see ourselves first and then how we see others. We begin by being hostages to the messages we took in as children—about ourselves and about the world around us. The thing is that we can rewrite those messages! And that’s all that healing is—rewriting those messages.
I cringe when I look back and realize how little I used to value myself. It’s hard to believe that’s how I really felt—but it was. And these days, when I find myself reacting in old patterns, it’s so much easier to stop and rewrite the message that drives the pattern.
What messages can you rewrite, beginning today? What patterns can you change just by changing how you see yourself?
Can you see that each of you out there is deserving and worthy of love and respect? I do.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
For years, I did everything I could for my husband and my children. In part it was because I felt so bad that they were stuck with me—as a wife for my husband and a mother for my children. I felt I had to make it up to them. And it wasn’t just with my family. I never made waves with my editor or my counselor, when I went into counseling, or with my friends or pretty much any other area of my life. I never dared challenge ANYONE. I felt, you see, that I had so little worth that at any moment they would realize I was too much trouble or get fed up with having to deal with me and they’d toss me away. It didn’t help that some people had walked away when I stood up for myself.
That’s where I was stuck for most of my life—in that kind of thinking and feeling. It shows you how far I’ve come that I had to really stop and think to realize that my reaction to my daughter’s visit was caused by a vestige of that.
Of course, once I realized what it was that was triggering my reaction, I found myself thinking: Screw that—I’m going to move to a belief that she is lucky to have me in her life!
I cringe as I write all this. It’s hard to let myself remember that this was my way of life for so long. NOW I realize that people are lucky to have me in their lives and that if someone walks away—for ANY reason--that’s okay too. There will be other people who do value me.
Now please understand that when I talk about standing up for myself, I’m not talking about angry confrontations! I’m talking about simply speaking up and letting the other person know what matters to me. I’m talking about respectful dialogue. And if someone isn’t willing to treat me with respect, well, I’M not willing to have that person in my life any more.
It's also important to realize that when we are so afraid of being abandoned, we are likely to speak and act in ways that are less than ideal. We may make the very mistakes that will cause someone to walk away, just as we fear. When that happens we may make the mistake of believing we have been abandoned rather than looking at the ways our behavior--that came out of our fear--created the problem. If we are not careful, if we are not honest with ourselves, we may believe that once again we have been abandoned when in truth it could have been avoided if we had not been so afraid in the first place.
Self-esteem is an issue for so many people—whether they were ever abused or not. We live in a society that uses artificial values rather than recognizing that every soul matters, every person is worthy of respect and love. And I truly believe that the greatest harm is done when someone feels a total absence of love and respect—especially self-love and self-respect.
As adults, we create the world we live in by how we see ourselves first and then how we see others. We begin by being hostages to the messages we took in as children—about ourselves and about the world around us. The thing is that we can rewrite those messages! And that’s all that healing is—rewriting those messages.
I cringe when I look back and realize how little I used to value myself. It’s hard to believe that’s how I really felt—but it was. And these days, when I find myself reacting in old patterns, it’s so much easier to stop and rewrite the message that drives the pattern.
What messages can you rewrite, beginning today? What patterns can you change just by changing how you see yourself?
Can you see that each of you out there is deserving and worthy of love and respect? I do.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Believing in Yourself
I’ve talked about this before—how we often listen to the negative voices in our lives rather than the people who believe in us. If we are with those who claim to love us and disparage us, we may believe it even more.
I’ve been thinking about this because I generally (these days!) have a fairly good opinion of myself and my abilities. But...my daughter was visiting and I started to fall into old patterns of second guessing myself when she disagreed with me about something. I started feeling less than my usual confident self. It was rather eerie to feel it happening.
The irony is that for the most part, her actions and words were statements of how much she believes in me. She asked me for advice on dealing with some challenging people and situations in her life. She listened carefully as I deconstructed with her what the obstacles were and how she could optimize her position. She was grateful for the win-win strategies I was suggesting.
My point is that we often fall into old patterns and perceive ourselves through someone else’s eyes in a negative way long after their perceptions of us may have changed. And when we give that power to someone else we are cheating ourselves.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether or not my daughter understands or approves of everything I do and every choice I make. What matters far more is that I do.
Mind you, it can be very empowering to find someone—friend, counselor, partner etc.—who believes in you when you have trouble believing in yourself! If someone doesn’t believe in you, do you really want them in your life—or if they must be in your life do you really want to give them any power to determine how you feel about yourself?
These days it’s simple. If someone doesn’t believe in me, I don’t need or want them around me. They just don’t get who I am.
And that’s what I remind myself when I start to worry about anyone’s opinion. They just don’t get me. And that’s okay. Not everyone has to approve of or like me. Bottom line is that I believe in me and I like me—even if I occasionally slip back into old patterns from the days when I had no faith in myself. I just pick myself up, dust myself off, and go back to believing in myself.
This is a journey. We have a right and a responsibility to ourselves to make it a joyous one. It won’t happen overnight if our experience up until now has been mostly unhappy. But every step we take toward believing in ourselves and bringing joy into our lives moves us in the right direction.
I believe that each of us has a spark of the divine within and therefore when we are truest to ourselves we are living the way we are meant to live. All joy and self-respect honors that divine spark and brings us closer to being the best person we can be. After all, someone who is happy and feels self-respect is never going to feel the need to harm another person—except perhaps in self-defense. Not verbally and not physically and not economically.
So...believe in yourself. I believe in you—each of you reading this. I KNOW that within you is a divine spark and that you are worthy of happiness and self-respect.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I’ve been thinking about this because I generally (these days!) have a fairly good opinion of myself and my abilities. But...my daughter was visiting and I started to fall into old patterns of second guessing myself when she disagreed with me about something. I started feeling less than my usual confident self. It was rather eerie to feel it happening.
The irony is that for the most part, her actions and words were statements of how much she believes in me. She asked me for advice on dealing with some challenging people and situations in her life. She listened carefully as I deconstructed with her what the obstacles were and how she could optimize her position. She was grateful for the win-win strategies I was suggesting.
My point is that we often fall into old patterns and perceive ourselves through someone else’s eyes in a negative way long after their perceptions of us may have changed. And when we give that power to someone else we are cheating ourselves.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether or not my daughter understands or approves of everything I do and every choice I make. What matters far more is that I do.
Mind you, it can be very empowering to find someone—friend, counselor, partner etc.—who believes in you when you have trouble believing in yourself! If someone doesn’t believe in you, do you really want them in your life—or if they must be in your life do you really want to give them any power to determine how you feel about yourself?
These days it’s simple. If someone doesn’t believe in me, I don’t need or want them around me. They just don’t get who I am.
And that’s what I remind myself when I start to worry about anyone’s opinion. They just don’t get me. And that’s okay. Not everyone has to approve of or like me. Bottom line is that I believe in me and I like me—even if I occasionally slip back into old patterns from the days when I had no faith in myself. I just pick myself up, dust myself off, and go back to believing in myself.
This is a journey. We have a right and a responsibility to ourselves to make it a joyous one. It won’t happen overnight if our experience up until now has been mostly unhappy. But every step we take toward believing in ourselves and bringing joy into our lives moves us in the right direction.
I believe that each of us has a spark of the divine within and therefore when we are truest to ourselves we are living the way we are meant to live. All joy and self-respect honors that divine spark and brings us closer to being the best person we can be. After all, someone who is happy and feels self-respect is never going to feel the need to harm another person—except perhaps in self-defense. Not verbally and not physically and not economically.
So...believe in yourself. I believe in you—each of you reading this. I KNOW that within you is a divine spark and that you are worthy of happiness and self-respect.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Monday, February 05, 2007
Boundaries
Anyone who has lived in an abusive situation knows the damage that’s done when boundaries are crossed. And if we stayed in that situation for any length of time, then odds are we may have to stop and think about boundaries. We may not know how to set them or always recognize when we are crossing them.
I find myself thinking about two types of boundaries today because of things that are going on in my own life. One is about setting boundaries with those we love in terms of behavior on their part and the other is about setting emotional boundaries so that we do not take on the pain of others or responsibility for how they are living their lives.
My friend with breast cancer has had some set backs. She is an intensely emotional person and this would be an intensely emotional situation for anyone anyway. When I got off the phone with her, part of me wanted to do what I often did in the past when someone I loved was scared or hurting—swallow up her pain and fear and hold it inside me as well.
What I realized is that I can be empathic, I can show her support, and at the same time maintain an emotional boundary that recognizes this is HER pain and her fear. I realized that I could be of more support if I was able to step back and keep that boundary.
Let me be clear—I did NOT minimize her feelings! Nor did I claim everything would be fine just because I want to believe things always will be. I acknowledged how anyone in her situation would be scared and upset. When I spoke of reasons to believe things could still turn out okay, I spoke about what I know of her, of her doctors, of the support around her, of her past success beating the odds. And I acknowledged the reality that these ARE setbacks for her. By the end of our conversation, she was feeling better about her situation.
I could help the most by keeping the boundary that her pain and fear was hers and did not have to be mine.
The other kind of boundary that’s been on my mind is that of coping with behaviors of people we love. My daughter is visiting. She is a wonderful and extraordinary young woman! She also grew up never seeing me treated with respect by her father. Since my divorce a few years ago, we’ve been redefining our relationship. There are times when I find myself still reluctant to ask her to follow some reasonable guidelines when she stays in my house—for fear that I’ll lose her love. There is a part of me that can fear losing love so much that I can find myself afraid to say: This really matters to me or I really would like you to do that.
Part of redefining my relationship with my daughter is to sometimes say: I know you’d really like to do that but I’d really like to do this. It’s been learning to say: Please clear your dirty dishes off the table (instead of doing it myself). It’s making time to do things with her while she’s here but not putting everything in my life that’s important to me on hold until she’s gone.
Like anything else, the more we practice setting boundaries and respecting them, the easier it gets. Like anything else, there will be times we slip up. The key is to go back to setting and respecting them as quickly as we can. Our lives and the lives of those we love will be better if we do.
So...what boundaries might you want to practice setting and respecting? What would make your life better if you did?
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I find myself thinking about two types of boundaries today because of things that are going on in my own life. One is about setting boundaries with those we love in terms of behavior on their part and the other is about setting emotional boundaries so that we do not take on the pain of others or responsibility for how they are living their lives.
My friend with breast cancer has had some set backs. She is an intensely emotional person and this would be an intensely emotional situation for anyone anyway. When I got off the phone with her, part of me wanted to do what I often did in the past when someone I loved was scared or hurting—swallow up her pain and fear and hold it inside me as well.
What I realized is that I can be empathic, I can show her support, and at the same time maintain an emotional boundary that recognizes this is HER pain and her fear. I realized that I could be of more support if I was able to step back and keep that boundary.
Let me be clear—I did NOT minimize her feelings! Nor did I claim everything would be fine just because I want to believe things always will be. I acknowledged how anyone in her situation would be scared and upset. When I spoke of reasons to believe things could still turn out okay, I spoke about what I know of her, of her doctors, of the support around her, of her past success beating the odds. And I acknowledged the reality that these ARE setbacks for her. By the end of our conversation, she was feeling better about her situation.
I could help the most by keeping the boundary that her pain and fear was hers and did not have to be mine.
The other kind of boundary that’s been on my mind is that of coping with behaviors of people we love. My daughter is visiting. She is a wonderful and extraordinary young woman! She also grew up never seeing me treated with respect by her father. Since my divorce a few years ago, we’ve been redefining our relationship. There are times when I find myself still reluctant to ask her to follow some reasonable guidelines when she stays in my house—for fear that I’ll lose her love. There is a part of me that can fear losing love so much that I can find myself afraid to say: This really matters to me or I really would like you to do that.
Part of redefining my relationship with my daughter is to sometimes say: I know you’d really like to do that but I’d really like to do this. It’s been learning to say: Please clear your dirty dishes off the table (instead of doing it myself). It’s making time to do things with her while she’s here but not putting everything in my life that’s important to me on hold until she’s gone.
Like anything else, the more we practice setting boundaries and respecting them, the easier it gets. Like anything else, there will be times we slip up. The key is to go back to setting and respecting them as quickly as we can. Our lives and the lives of those we love will be better if we do.
So...what boundaries might you want to practice setting and respecting? What would make your life better if you did?
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
HSP addendum
I’ve read some more by Elaine Aron and I want to say a little more about her work on highly sensitive people. As I said in my previous post, there is a great deal there that’s useful. I just want to caution anyone who had a difficult childhood that it can feel as if she has a negative bias toward those who did--assuming we are all bad bets for a relationship.
Now let me state clearly that I suspect I'm misreading what she is saying. I mention it in case anyone else has that reaction to reading an author I've suggested.
I believe this: We are all individuals. We will all be affected by abuse but not all to the same degree. It IS possible to grow up and be capable of love!
Yes, there will be greater challenges. And I know what the odds are. But individuals are not odds. We can find ways to heal and create healthy lives for ourselves.
I do want to make something else very clear. I know this: It is easy to blame the one with who was abused for problems in a marriage. I know from experience that in my marriage I blamed myself. It’s is also possible that it will look to the outside world as if it is the one who was abused who creates the problems even though it is the one who had the (apparently) normal childhood who actually does as much or more damage to the relationship and has as many (or more) problems with self-esteem.
So I want to encourage you to realize the power is in your hands--as it is in mine--to look clearly at situations and accept the responsibility that is ours and at the same time recognize when something is NOT our responsibility.
I still encourage anyone who gets easily overwhelmed, who takes in more information than most people, and who otherwise fits her profile of a highly sensitive person (HSP) to read her work. Use what is useful and (at least for the moment) don't worry about the rest. And don't let anyone ever cause you to doubt your ability to heal and create the life you want to have!
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Now let me state clearly that I suspect I'm misreading what she is saying. I mention it in case anyone else has that reaction to reading an author I've suggested.
I believe this: We are all individuals. We will all be affected by abuse but not all to the same degree. It IS possible to grow up and be capable of love!
Yes, there will be greater challenges. And I know what the odds are. But individuals are not odds. We can find ways to heal and create healthy lives for ourselves.
I do want to make something else very clear. I know this: It is easy to blame the one with who was abused for problems in a marriage. I know from experience that in my marriage I blamed myself. It’s is also possible that it will look to the outside world as if it is the one who was abused who creates the problems even though it is the one who had the (apparently) normal childhood who actually does as much or more damage to the relationship and has as many (or more) problems with self-esteem.
So I want to encourage you to realize the power is in your hands--as it is in mine--to look clearly at situations and accept the responsibility that is ours and at the same time recognize when something is NOT our responsibility.
I still encourage anyone who gets easily overwhelmed, who takes in more information than most people, and who otherwise fits her profile of a highly sensitive person (HSP) to read her work. Use what is useful and (at least for the moment) don't worry about the rest. And don't let anyone ever cause you to doubt your ability to heal and create the life you want to have!
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, January 27, 2007
The Highly Sensitive Person
What I’m writing about today affects a certain percentage of us—perhaps a high percentage of those who read this blog. The title of this post comes from a series of books by Elaine Aron. About how roughly 15 to 20 % of any species is highly aware of stimulus and information in the environment.
One reason I think the percentage of those who read this blog may be higher when it comes to being highly sensitive is:
1) People who are highly sensitive may be more likely to be targets for abuse because we are “different.”
2) If we’re highly sensitive, we may be more likely to realize things an abusive person doesn’t want recognized and that may make us a target.
3) If we’re highly sensitive we may be more likely to develop skills and defense mechanisms that allow us to survive and work toward healing and thriving.
I’m not sure I agree with everything Aron says. I did find reading the book useful, however. It reminded me that we are all individuals. Bashing ourselves because we don’t respond like “normal” or “other” people is counter productive. The key question to ask will always be: What strategy could work for ME? What do I need to be happy and successful—whether or not that looks like what anyone else would need?
Now that’s useful whether or not one is HSP!
As I said, I’m not sure I agree with everything Aron says. But I am grateful to have found something that helped me see myself in a new way that does seem to explain a great deal—and in a generally positive way.
So, if you find yourself noticing things other people don’t and reacting to noise and temperature and stimuli more than most, you may want to take a look at this book.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
One reason I think the percentage of those who read this blog may be higher when it comes to being highly sensitive is:
1) People who are highly sensitive may be more likely to be targets for abuse because we are “different.”
2) If we’re highly sensitive, we may be more likely to realize things an abusive person doesn’t want recognized and that may make us a target.
3) If we’re highly sensitive we may be more likely to develop skills and defense mechanisms that allow us to survive and work toward healing and thriving.
I’m not sure I agree with everything Aron says. I did find reading the book useful, however. It reminded me that we are all individuals. Bashing ourselves because we don’t respond like “normal” or “other” people is counter productive. The key question to ask will always be: What strategy could work for ME? What do I need to be happy and successful—whether or not that looks like what anyone else would need?
Now that’s useful whether or not one is HSP!
As I said, I’m not sure I agree with everything Aron says. But I am grateful to have found something that helped me see myself in a new way that does seem to explain a great deal—and in a generally positive way.
So, if you find yourself noticing things other people don’t and reacting to noise and temperature and stimuli more than most, you may want to take a look at this book.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Ice Storms
We had ice storms here this past week. 9 days straight of cloudy, rainy days. Several days trapped in the house because the roads were iced over and it didn’t seem safe to drive. Everything was closed anyway.
It gave me a lot of time to think. About the life I’ve created for myself. About where I’m going and where I’ve been.
Ten years ago.... No, scratch that. Five years ago, I couldn’t have imagined my life as it is now. Ten years ago I couldn’t have imagined liking myself the way I do or feeling self-confident and knowing anywhere I go I can make friends.
I’ve lost some friends along the way. That’s always hard no matter what the circumstances may have been. I know, though, they were part of my life for as long as they were meant to be there and I’m grateful for that. Some friendships have changed, evolved into new dynamics. Some friendships are as strong as ever. And I have friends I couldn’t have imagined having ten years ago.
We didn’t lose power during the storms and so I was able to stay in touch with friends all across the country. I was able to share in their lives and let them know what was going on with mine. Ten years ago I couldn’t have imagined having this kind of network.
The ice storms are over now and odds are, where I am, we won’t have another one this winter. I’m grateful though for the time to stop and think and count my blessings. Maybe the biggest blessing is that I’ve gone from someone who always believed things would go wrong to someone who knows everything will be all right. I cannot express to all of you what a profound change that is!
I look back sometimes and it’s as if another person was living my life for all those years and my heart breaks that she had to be so unhappy for so long. But I know, too, that that was part of my journey, part of becoming who I am and who I will be. I know that if I could have changed sooner, I would have done so. These days I’m able to let myself be who I was and who I am and not judge myself against a standard of anyone else.
I wish there were more sunshine here now but I know it will come again. That’s a powerful metaphor for how I feel about my life these days as well. Even when something goes wrong, I know, deep down with the same certainty that things will be all right, that I will find a way to make them all right again.
I don’t often write about dark moments because I believe that as Anthony Robbins says: What we focus on becomes our reality. And yet I also believe there is value in stopping sometimes to see how far I’ve come, to acknowledge the depths of unhappiness I once knew so that I can more fully appreciate where I am now. It is also a reminder, when we look back, of the strength and resilience and courage and creativity it took to make changes in our lives.
When you look back, what changes do you see? Do you have a list of things you have accomplished in your life—big and small? Learning to walk. Learning to talk. Learning to read and write. These things matter because they are proof that we are capable of learning. Everything on your list is proof YOU can change and grow and work to create a better life.
I hope that wherever you are, you are safe and warm. I hope that on days when you find yourself unable to go out because of the weather, you are able to look back and recognize how far you’ve come.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
It gave me a lot of time to think. About the life I’ve created for myself. About where I’m going and where I’ve been.
Ten years ago.... No, scratch that. Five years ago, I couldn’t have imagined my life as it is now. Ten years ago I couldn’t have imagined liking myself the way I do or feeling self-confident and knowing anywhere I go I can make friends.
I’ve lost some friends along the way. That’s always hard no matter what the circumstances may have been. I know, though, they were part of my life for as long as they were meant to be there and I’m grateful for that. Some friendships have changed, evolved into new dynamics. Some friendships are as strong as ever. And I have friends I couldn’t have imagined having ten years ago.
We didn’t lose power during the storms and so I was able to stay in touch with friends all across the country. I was able to share in their lives and let them know what was going on with mine. Ten years ago I couldn’t have imagined having this kind of network.
The ice storms are over now and odds are, where I am, we won’t have another one this winter. I’m grateful though for the time to stop and think and count my blessings. Maybe the biggest blessing is that I’ve gone from someone who always believed things would go wrong to someone who knows everything will be all right. I cannot express to all of you what a profound change that is!
I look back sometimes and it’s as if another person was living my life for all those years and my heart breaks that she had to be so unhappy for so long. But I know, too, that that was part of my journey, part of becoming who I am and who I will be. I know that if I could have changed sooner, I would have done so. These days I’m able to let myself be who I was and who I am and not judge myself against a standard of anyone else.
I wish there were more sunshine here now but I know it will come again. That’s a powerful metaphor for how I feel about my life these days as well. Even when something goes wrong, I know, deep down with the same certainty that things will be all right, that I will find a way to make them all right again.
I don’t often write about dark moments because I believe that as Anthony Robbins says: What we focus on becomes our reality. And yet I also believe there is value in stopping sometimes to see how far I’ve come, to acknowledge the depths of unhappiness I once knew so that I can more fully appreciate where I am now. It is also a reminder, when we look back, of the strength and resilience and courage and creativity it took to make changes in our lives.
When you look back, what changes do you see? Do you have a list of things you have accomplished in your life—big and small? Learning to walk. Learning to talk. Learning to read and write. These things matter because they are proof that we are capable of learning. Everything on your list is proof YOU can change and grow and work to create a better life.
I hope that wherever you are, you are safe and warm. I hope that on days when you find yourself unable to go out because of the weather, you are able to look back and recognize how far you’ve come.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Winter
This time of year is difficult for many people. It’s a combination of things, I think. There’s an inevitable letdown because the holidays are over. There’s less sunlight. It’s cold and one often stays inside because of the weather. There’s way too much time to think and habit for most of us is to think of what’s wrong with ourselves or our lives. This is a time of year when trying to be Susie Sunshine may not work—no matter what.
I’m not advocating getting lost in pain or self-doubt or sadness. Instead, I’m going to suggest sitting with the emotions. Being honest with ourselves about how we really feel about things, and then FOCUSING ON SOLUTIONS.
That last part is key—focusing on solutions. What actions could we take to cause things to change and get better? Note: We do not have to take any actions. All I’m suggesting is letting ourselves think of actions we COULD take. What are the pros and cons of each possibility? What are the resources we would need to succeed? How might our lives be different if we did make one or more of these changes?
It’s very powerful to take all pressure off ourselves by saying we don’t have to do anything or take any action. It makes it possible to brainstorm.
Mind you, I do believe that if we brainstorm ideas and realize the ways some of these ideas could make our lives much better, we are more likely to take action—because we want to, because the steps feel right, because we are ready. At the same time, it’s important to know that we don’t have to unless and until we ARE ready.
So...what changes might you make? What difference would it make in your life if you did? Do any of those possibilities brighten your day and make you smile? If so, can you take even the smallest step to begin to accomplish it?
Huge transformations all begin with little, tiny steps. Transformations begin with a realization of the possibilities and a faith that even if we can’t make the entire change, we can take that first baby step.
Wishing all of you joyful baby steps this week and in the months to come and sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I’m not advocating getting lost in pain or self-doubt or sadness. Instead, I’m going to suggest sitting with the emotions. Being honest with ourselves about how we really feel about things, and then FOCUSING ON SOLUTIONS.
That last part is key—focusing on solutions. What actions could we take to cause things to change and get better? Note: We do not have to take any actions. All I’m suggesting is letting ourselves think of actions we COULD take. What are the pros and cons of each possibility? What are the resources we would need to succeed? How might our lives be different if we did make one or more of these changes?
It’s very powerful to take all pressure off ourselves by saying we don’t have to do anything or take any action. It makes it possible to brainstorm.
Mind you, I do believe that if we brainstorm ideas and realize the ways some of these ideas could make our lives much better, we are more likely to take action—because we want to, because the steps feel right, because we are ready. At the same time, it’s important to know that we don’t have to unless and until we ARE ready.
So...what changes might you make? What difference would it make in your life if you did? Do any of those possibilities brighten your day and make you smile? If so, can you take even the smallest step to begin to accomplish it?
Huge transformations all begin with little, tiny steps. Transformations begin with a realization of the possibilities and a faith that even if we can’t make the entire change, we can take that first baby step.
Wishing all of you joyful baby steps this week and in the months to come and sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Play
Do you know how to play? That may sound like an odd question but so many of us who had difficult childhoods find that as adults we don’t play. We do things. We are responsible. There’s always something we SHOULD be doing. Rarely do we just play and if we do, we’re likely to feel antsy and believe we should be working on something useful instead. On some level we often feel that only by doing something can we justify our existence.
Ironically, if we allow ourselves to play, we will be more productive when we work and may well accomplish much more than if we didn’t let ourselves play. We are more likely to think of solutions to problems and ways to cope with the challenges in our lives.
It’s not uncommon for those of us who had difficult childhoods to realize one day that we don’t know how to play. Or, rather, more accurately odds are we have forgotten. If we go back far enough in our memories there was usually a time when we knew how to play before we were scolded out of it or told we didn’t deserve to play and came to believe it. On a subconscious level we may still believe it.
The epiphany that sometimes breaks this barrier is one someone I know had recently. She thought about how she would talk to and/or raise a child. She realized that of course she would want the child to laugh and play! Of course she would think he or she deserved to be able to do so! Of course she would want to see that child laughing and giggling and having fun! Wouldn't we all feel this way? And then she realized that SHE deserved to be able to laugh and giggle and have fun, too. She's right. She deserves to be able to do those things. In fact, we all do.
Does that make sense to you? Do you wonder, though, where to begin? For me it was to imagine a safe and beautiful place in my mind and imagine teaching the child I was how to play and picturing her flying kites, rolling around with puppies, eating ice cream cones (and not worrying about the mess!), coloring, splashing in the lake or ocean, dancing and singing and playing with friends.
It is a funny thing but when we love and cherish and nurture the child we once were, the adult us grows and feels safer and more loved as well. And we all need that—to be loved and nurtured and cherished—and accepted just as we are. When we can treat ourselves this way we are also more likely to be able to treat those around us this way. And if we can nurture and love ourselves then we are less vulnerable to the unkindness of or rejection by others. We are more likely to draw into our circle people who also are able to love themselves and therefore treat us with kindness and respect, too. We can be ourselves and not feel we have to meet the expectations of everyone around us.
So...do you know how to play? If you do—wonderful! If not, what could you do today that would be fun? If you can’t think of anything—and there was a time in my life when I didn’t know how to play either (or wouldn’t let myself)—then maybe begin in your imagination teaching the child inside how to play. No one will know and it won’t cost anything or even have to take much time. And it will be a start that could have a profound impact on your life.
Sending safe and gentle (and playful!) (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Ironically, if we allow ourselves to play, we will be more productive when we work and may well accomplish much more than if we didn’t let ourselves play. We are more likely to think of solutions to problems and ways to cope with the challenges in our lives.
It’s not uncommon for those of us who had difficult childhoods to realize one day that we don’t know how to play. Or, rather, more accurately odds are we have forgotten. If we go back far enough in our memories there was usually a time when we knew how to play before we were scolded out of it or told we didn’t deserve to play and came to believe it. On a subconscious level we may still believe it.
The epiphany that sometimes breaks this barrier is one someone I know had recently. She thought about how she would talk to and/or raise a child. She realized that of course she would want the child to laugh and play! Of course she would think he or she deserved to be able to do so! Of course she would want to see that child laughing and giggling and having fun! Wouldn't we all feel this way? And then she realized that SHE deserved to be able to laugh and giggle and have fun, too. She's right. She deserves to be able to do those things. In fact, we all do.
Does that make sense to you? Do you wonder, though, where to begin? For me it was to imagine a safe and beautiful place in my mind and imagine teaching the child I was how to play and picturing her flying kites, rolling around with puppies, eating ice cream cones (and not worrying about the mess!), coloring, splashing in the lake or ocean, dancing and singing and playing with friends.
It is a funny thing but when we love and cherish and nurture the child we once were, the adult us grows and feels safer and more loved as well. And we all need that—to be loved and nurtured and cherished—and accepted just as we are. When we can treat ourselves this way we are also more likely to be able to treat those around us this way. And if we can nurture and love ourselves then we are less vulnerable to the unkindness of or rejection by others. We are more likely to draw into our circle people who also are able to love themselves and therefore treat us with kindness and respect, too. We can be ourselves and not feel we have to meet the expectations of everyone around us.
So...do you know how to play? If you do—wonderful! If not, what could you do today that would be fun? If you can’t think of anything—and there was a time in my life when I didn’t know how to play either (or wouldn’t let myself)—then maybe begin in your imagination teaching the child inside how to play. No one will know and it won’t cost anything or even have to take much time. And it will be a start that could have a profound impact on your life.
Sending safe and gentle (and playful!) (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Our New Year's Resolutions
I hope that when you look back over the past year you are able to see how far you’ve come and the good that’s been part of your life—no matter what may have gone wrong.
Most people make resolutions that they won’t carry out. I’d like to suggest a different approach to New Year’s resolutions. These are resolutions we may be able to carry out and which will make our lives better and we are more likely to make positive changes in our lives if we begin with these.
Here are the New Year’s resolutions I propose for us:
1) I will celebrate my strengths EVERY DAY.
2) I will find reasons to smile or laugh EVERY DAY.
3) I will wake up in the morning and name three things I am grateful for EVERY DAY.
4) I will go to bed and name three things that happened or I saw or did that day for which I am grateful EVERY DAY.
5) I will celebrate all the good in my life EVERY DAY. I will cherish it and remind myself of the ways in which I am lucky.
6) I will look for people who are happy and who believe in me and these are the people I will bring into my life.
7) I will trust myself. I will look for ways I can succeed at whatever it is I most want to do.
8) I will hug myself and then hug those close to me EVERY DAY.
9) I will treat others with kindness and respect and EXPECT others to treat me with kindness and respect as well.
10) I will treat myself with as much love and kindness as I would treat anyone I truly loved.
11) I will make time to play, to find joy EVERY DAY in something—little or big, I will find reasons to smile and approach life with the attitude of: HOW CAN I MAKE THIS BETTER? and HOW CAN I MAKE THIS FUN?
I truly believe, you see, that when we take the approach of finding joy in our lives we create resilience and strength that let us make positive changes in our lives and make wise choices. When we are happy, we don’t need to numb ourselves with self-destructive behaviors or substances. When we love and accept ourselves, we are more able to love and accept others. When we know that kindness and respect are bottom line what we expect of others in how they treat us we do not have to be afraid of new relationships because we know they will either be good ones or we will walk away. If we know that we can AND WILL make ourselves laugh and feel joy then we will never again be hostage to anyone else’s behavior toward us.
May the New Year bring all of us health, happiness, and much success. Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Most people make resolutions that they won’t carry out. I’d like to suggest a different approach to New Year’s resolutions. These are resolutions we may be able to carry out and which will make our lives better and we are more likely to make positive changes in our lives if we begin with these.
Here are the New Year’s resolutions I propose for us:
1) I will celebrate my strengths EVERY DAY.
2) I will find reasons to smile or laugh EVERY DAY.
3) I will wake up in the morning and name three things I am grateful for EVERY DAY.
4) I will go to bed and name three things that happened or I saw or did that day for which I am grateful EVERY DAY.
5) I will celebrate all the good in my life EVERY DAY. I will cherish it and remind myself of the ways in which I am lucky.
6) I will look for people who are happy and who believe in me and these are the people I will bring into my life.
7) I will trust myself. I will look for ways I can succeed at whatever it is I most want to do.
8) I will hug myself and then hug those close to me EVERY DAY.
9) I will treat others with kindness and respect and EXPECT others to treat me with kindness and respect as well.
10) I will treat myself with as much love and kindness as I would treat anyone I truly loved.
11) I will make time to play, to find joy EVERY DAY in something—little or big, I will find reasons to smile and approach life with the attitude of: HOW CAN I MAKE THIS BETTER? and HOW CAN I MAKE THIS FUN?
I truly believe, you see, that when we take the approach of finding joy in our lives we create resilience and strength that let us make positive changes in our lives and make wise choices. When we are happy, we don’t need to numb ourselves with self-destructive behaviors or substances. When we love and accept ourselves, we are more able to love and accept others. When we know that kindness and respect are bottom line what we expect of others in how they treat us we do not have to be afraid of new relationships because we know they will either be good ones or we will walk away. If we know that we can AND WILL make ourselves laugh and feel joy then we will never again be hostage to anyone else’s behavior toward us.
May the New Year bring all of us health, happiness, and much success. Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Monday, December 25, 2006
Christmas Day
For me, this is a time to look back and see how far I’ve come. Often I feel as if I’m not doing enough fast enough and it’s only when I stop and look back that I realize what a miracle the past year has been. And the year before that. And...
The thing is that often we set impossible standards for ourselves. Worse, we may set them for the child we were who didn’t know, couldn’t know what we know now and certainly didn’t have the strength and skills we have as adults.
I love that on Christmas Day, for me, there’s time to stop and wonder and remember and reflect. I love the symbolism of birth—a birth of our new selves and of hope. I love that most people are able to feel, at least for a moment or two in this season the understanding that we are connected—no matter what our superficial differences may be.
I hope that at this time of year each of you is able to feel hope. I hope that each of you is able to feel at least a spark of faith in yourself. I hope that each of you feels the wonder of the possibility of rebirth of who you are and of your life so that you imagine, even if only for a moment, joy and laughter and that faith in yourself replacing any shame and fear you may feel.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
The thing is that often we set impossible standards for ourselves. Worse, we may set them for the child we were who didn’t know, couldn’t know what we know now and certainly didn’t have the strength and skills we have as adults.
I love that on Christmas Day, for me, there’s time to stop and wonder and remember and reflect. I love the symbolism of birth—a birth of our new selves and of hope. I love that most people are able to feel, at least for a moment or two in this season the understanding that we are connected—no matter what our superficial differences may be.
I hope that at this time of year each of you is able to feel hope. I hope that each of you is able to feel at least a spark of faith in yourself. I hope that each of you feels the wonder of the possibility of rebirth of who you are and of your life so that you imagine, even if only for a moment, joy and laughter and that faith in yourself replacing any shame and fear you may feel.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Holidays
Holidays can be difficult if one was abused as a child. They may bring back unhappy memories or just plain unhappiness if we don’t have that picture perfect life now, either.
One source of unhappiness can occur if we are expected to give gifts but aren’t getting many or if we have always felt deprived. It is very hard to lovingly give a gift if we feel deprived! But this is a time of year when gifts are expected and if we don’t give them we may stand out (or feel as if we do) as strange or different or acting like a Scrooge.
So what’s the solution? (You know I’ve got one, don’t you?) The solution is to make sure that YOU don’t feel deprived.
NOTE: Let me be very clear! I am NOT talking about spending more money on yourself than you can afford! I am not talking about huge spending sprees for things you won’t care about in a month or two!
So what do I mean? Well, do you remember me saying you should make a list of things that make you smile? Little things as well as big things? Maybe it’s a cup of mint hot cocoa. Maybe it’s a special flavor of tea. Maybe it’s a scoop of rum raisin ice cream. Maybe it’s a sweet scented soap.
None of those things are very expensive. Especially if it’s one scoop of ice cream, one cup of tea or hot cocoa. The key is to very consciously pamper yourself by having them or using the scented soap. The key is to consciously pamper yourself several times during the day—every time you start to feel deprived.
The key is to go into your closet and only wear clothes there that you love during this time of year. The key is to take five minutes and think of all the things in your life that ARE good, that you can appreciate. The key is as you wrap a present for a friend or loved one is to stop and let yourself FEEL the warmth of that friendship or love and remember your happiest moments with them.
Another suggestion: Buy SMALL gifts for yourself and wrap them up. Don’t necessarily open them on the day that everyone else is, but know that you can open one up whenever you need it most. Hey, it could even take you all year! Just knowing, though, that you have presents waiting, presents you will love, that you can open any time you want, can go a long way to making you feel loved and pampered.
Create for yourself an experience of smiles, of feeling pampered, of loving yourself. Because if you can do that, then you will find yourself wanting to give presents to others and making them smile, just as you are smiling.
We cannot change the past. We cannot change the people around us. What we can do is create within ourselves the experiences we want to have. We don’t have to wait for someone else to make us feel happy or pampered.
So as we go through the holiday season, look for little, inexpensive ways to pamper yourself and make yourself smile. Look for things you can genuinely appreciate about your life. THEN shop for and wrap the presents you want or need to give. And on your most difficult day, if it seems like none of this is possible; promise yourself that you will begin NOW to work toward being able to have a holiday season next year when you can smile. Promise yourself that you will begin NOW to look for new ways to make yourself smile and feel happy and loved EVERY DAY—by YOU. Promise yourself that you will find, in time, the perfect way to celebrate the holidays for YOU.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
PS I'm adding this after posting my original message because I read something in Parade magazine today that made me realize I had neglected an important part of the holidays. There is a story about people who invite others over on holidays--frieds or neighbors or just people who are alone. I love this! It is an affirmation that even if our own families were/are not loving we do not have to be alone on holidays. We have choices. We can choose to invite people who will enjoy our company, who will be glad to spend time with us, and who will brighten the day, not diminish it.
One source of unhappiness can occur if we are expected to give gifts but aren’t getting many or if we have always felt deprived. It is very hard to lovingly give a gift if we feel deprived! But this is a time of year when gifts are expected and if we don’t give them we may stand out (or feel as if we do) as strange or different or acting like a Scrooge.
So what’s the solution? (You know I’ve got one, don’t you?) The solution is to make sure that YOU don’t feel deprived.
NOTE: Let me be very clear! I am NOT talking about spending more money on yourself than you can afford! I am not talking about huge spending sprees for things you won’t care about in a month or two!
So what do I mean? Well, do you remember me saying you should make a list of things that make you smile? Little things as well as big things? Maybe it’s a cup of mint hot cocoa. Maybe it’s a special flavor of tea. Maybe it’s a scoop of rum raisin ice cream. Maybe it’s a sweet scented soap.
None of those things are very expensive. Especially if it’s one scoop of ice cream, one cup of tea or hot cocoa. The key is to very consciously pamper yourself by having them or using the scented soap. The key is to consciously pamper yourself several times during the day—every time you start to feel deprived.
The key is to go into your closet and only wear clothes there that you love during this time of year. The key is to take five minutes and think of all the things in your life that ARE good, that you can appreciate. The key is as you wrap a present for a friend or loved one is to stop and let yourself FEEL the warmth of that friendship or love and remember your happiest moments with them.
Another suggestion: Buy SMALL gifts for yourself and wrap them up. Don’t necessarily open them on the day that everyone else is, but know that you can open one up whenever you need it most. Hey, it could even take you all year! Just knowing, though, that you have presents waiting, presents you will love, that you can open any time you want, can go a long way to making you feel loved and pampered.
Create for yourself an experience of smiles, of feeling pampered, of loving yourself. Because if you can do that, then you will find yourself wanting to give presents to others and making them smile, just as you are smiling.
We cannot change the past. We cannot change the people around us. What we can do is create within ourselves the experiences we want to have. We don’t have to wait for someone else to make us feel happy or pampered.
So as we go through the holiday season, look for little, inexpensive ways to pamper yourself and make yourself smile. Look for things you can genuinely appreciate about your life. THEN shop for and wrap the presents you want or need to give. And on your most difficult day, if it seems like none of this is possible; promise yourself that you will begin NOW to work toward being able to have a holiday season next year when you can smile. Promise yourself that you will begin NOW to look for new ways to make yourself smile and feel happy and loved EVERY DAY—by YOU. Promise yourself that you will find, in time, the perfect way to celebrate the holidays for YOU.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
PS I'm adding this after posting my original message because I read something in Parade magazine today that made me realize I had neglected an important part of the holidays. There is a story about people who invite others over on holidays--frieds or neighbors or just people who are alone. I love this! It is an affirmation that even if our own families were/are not loving we do not have to be alone on holidays. We have choices. We can choose to invite people who will enjoy our company, who will be glad to spend time with us, and who will brighten the day, not diminish it.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Mirror Neurons
I discovered something this week that seems really important for anyone who grew up in hugely dysfunctional families. (Note: I’ve seen the same phenomenon in women who were in abusive relationships for significant lengths of time.)
On an email loop I’m on, someone posted a link. I’m going to post it here so you can check it out to see what I’m talking about. It’s: NOVA scienceNOW Mirror Neurons PBS
Why is this important? Well, the idea is that our brains have neurons that mirror the emotions of those around us. I’m paraphrasing but as I understand it, the idea is that we literally feel what others around us feel and that when we see someone else do something our brains respond as if we have done it as well.
Here’s my theory and how it applies to abused children. Note: I have no scientific proof of this, it’s just MY theory. If we grew up in a household with crazy parents, survival and NOT repeating the pattern of abuse may have required that we detach from that mirroring. Not that we couldn’t do it but that we somehow learned not to in order to protect ourselves. In a sense we learned to shield ourselves.
Let me be very clear. We still PERCEIVED the emotions—often more clearly than other children could because it was a survival mechanism to be able to read the moods of the adults around us. We just learned not to mirror what they feel. Because that ability to mirror IS important, however, we may have channeled it into safe directions such as deeply internalizing emotions of the characters when we read a book, listened to music, or watched a movie or television show.
Pretty clever, huh? And no more unlikely than any other survival mechanism that abused children adopt to survive. The problem is that as adults we may find ourselves detached from others. We may tend to be loners. We may be able to see the emotions others are feeling with remarkable insight (perhaps because we can observe without being caught up in the other person’s emotions) but we stay isolated in our own emotions. In other words, if I’m right, we may watch with some bemusement the way others get caught up in crowd emotions when it makes no sense to us—whether it’s sports, politics, or whatever. We still feel emotions ourselves. We still see and understand and CARE about how others feel—sometimes too much—we just do not mirror those emotions in the same way that other people do.
The upside of this is that we may be able to be more clearsighted in evaluating situations and information and less likely to get caught up in the “mob mentality.” We may be able to work with people who are hurting without being overwhelmed ourselves.
The downside is that it does isolate us to some degree. In extreme cases, one could become a psychopath. But that’s not what I’m talking about today. I’m talking about those of us who are able to empathize and care about others but not mirror those emotions in the way that most people do.
Another downside is that we may tend to choose partners who lack the ability to mirror emotions as well because it’s too scary to have someone mirror ours. If they are capable of empathizing it may be okay but if we choose someone who literally cannot comprehend the emotions of others we’re in trouble because odds are we’ll know the relationship is lacking something important—even if we can’t articulate what it is.
So, how can we best use this information? How can we perhaps even reconnect the ability to mirror what others feel without losing the ability to step back to clearly evaluate what we are seeing or hearing?
1) Recognizing that it IS a factor in how we interact with the world.
2) We can understand and honor our child selves for finding a way to survive.
3) We can create alternative methods of safety so that we no longer need to detach.
4) We can consciously choose, in nonthreatening situations, to allow ourselves to feel what others are feeling, to allow ourselves to get caught up in group emotions when that would be a positive thing.
5) We can recognize that when others pull away in the presence of our intense emotions, it may not be a rejection of us or what we are trying to tell them but rather that the other person cannot help mirroring what we are feeling and MUST get away for self-protection.
6) We can recognize that this mirroring mechanism may help to explain some of what we felt as a child before we learned how not to mirror the emotions of the adults around us.
7) We can recognize how this explains the power of responding to anger with love and why we can change the dynamics in a room by being the one who is able to smile and feel hope when others do not.
8) We can recognize the power in finding someone who we are able to trust enough to let ourselves mirror the person’s emotions IF that person believes in us and has a sense of optimism about us and about life in general.
9) We can choose to spend as little time as possible with negative people and consciously seek out those who have a positive outlook on life.
I’ll admit that my first reaction to this concept was one of depression. Oh, great, one more lifetime negative impact of abuse! And then I stopped and reminded myself of all the ways in which I had accomplished what was supposed to be impossible in my life. I reminded myself of all the ways I have defied what would have been reasonable predictions for who I would become and what I would do. And so, as I thought about it, I realized how liberating it was to have this information. I realized that deep down I do believe that with this knowledge I will be able to make my life even better than it already is. I realized that I can acknowledge how essential it was for me, as a child, to adapt in this way and at the same time embrace the idea of exploring possibilities including that of reconnecting the mirroring mechanism.
Knowledge is power and this new piece of information feels like just that to me—power. I hope that each of you may find it a source of power for you as well.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
On an email loop I’m on, someone posted a link. I’m going to post it here so you can check it out to see what I’m talking about. It’s: NOVA scienceNOW Mirror Neurons PBS
Why is this important? Well, the idea is that our brains have neurons that mirror the emotions of those around us. I’m paraphrasing but as I understand it, the idea is that we literally feel what others around us feel and that when we see someone else do something our brains respond as if we have done it as well.
Here’s my theory and how it applies to abused children. Note: I have no scientific proof of this, it’s just MY theory. If we grew up in a household with crazy parents, survival and NOT repeating the pattern of abuse may have required that we detach from that mirroring. Not that we couldn’t do it but that we somehow learned not to in order to protect ourselves. In a sense we learned to shield ourselves.
Let me be very clear. We still PERCEIVED the emotions—often more clearly than other children could because it was a survival mechanism to be able to read the moods of the adults around us. We just learned not to mirror what they feel. Because that ability to mirror IS important, however, we may have channeled it into safe directions such as deeply internalizing emotions of the characters when we read a book, listened to music, or watched a movie or television show.
Pretty clever, huh? And no more unlikely than any other survival mechanism that abused children adopt to survive. The problem is that as adults we may find ourselves detached from others. We may tend to be loners. We may be able to see the emotions others are feeling with remarkable insight (perhaps because we can observe without being caught up in the other person’s emotions) but we stay isolated in our own emotions. In other words, if I’m right, we may watch with some bemusement the way others get caught up in crowd emotions when it makes no sense to us—whether it’s sports, politics, or whatever. We still feel emotions ourselves. We still see and understand and CARE about how others feel—sometimes too much—we just do not mirror those emotions in the same way that other people do.
The upside of this is that we may be able to be more clearsighted in evaluating situations and information and less likely to get caught up in the “mob mentality.” We may be able to work with people who are hurting without being overwhelmed ourselves.
The downside is that it does isolate us to some degree. In extreme cases, one could become a psychopath. But that’s not what I’m talking about today. I’m talking about those of us who are able to empathize and care about others but not mirror those emotions in the way that most people do.
Another downside is that we may tend to choose partners who lack the ability to mirror emotions as well because it’s too scary to have someone mirror ours. If they are capable of empathizing it may be okay but if we choose someone who literally cannot comprehend the emotions of others we’re in trouble because odds are we’ll know the relationship is lacking something important—even if we can’t articulate what it is.
So, how can we best use this information? How can we perhaps even reconnect the ability to mirror what others feel without losing the ability to step back to clearly evaluate what we are seeing or hearing?
1) Recognizing that it IS a factor in how we interact with the world.
2) We can understand and honor our child selves for finding a way to survive.
3) We can create alternative methods of safety so that we no longer need to detach.
4) We can consciously choose, in nonthreatening situations, to allow ourselves to feel what others are feeling, to allow ourselves to get caught up in group emotions when that would be a positive thing.
5) We can recognize that when others pull away in the presence of our intense emotions, it may not be a rejection of us or what we are trying to tell them but rather that the other person cannot help mirroring what we are feeling and MUST get away for self-protection.
6) We can recognize that this mirroring mechanism may help to explain some of what we felt as a child before we learned how not to mirror the emotions of the adults around us.
7) We can recognize how this explains the power of responding to anger with love and why we can change the dynamics in a room by being the one who is able to smile and feel hope when others do not.
8) We can recognize the power in finding someone who we are able to trust enough to let ourselves mirror the person’s emotions IF that person believes in us and has a sense of optimism about us and about life in general.
9) We can choose to spend as little time as possible with negative people and consciously seek out those who have a positive outlook on life.
I’ll admit that my first reaction to this concept was one of depression. Oh, great, one more lifetime negative impact of abuse! And then I stopped and reminded myself of all the ways in which I had accomplished what was supposed to be impossible in my life. I reminded myself of all the ways I have defied what would have been reasonable predictions for who I would become and what I would do. And so, as I thought about it, I realized how liberating it was to have this information. I realized that deep down I do believe that with this knowledge I will be able to make my life even better than it already is. I realized that I can acknowledge how essential it was for me, as a child, to adapt in this way and at the same time embrace the idea of exploring possibilities including that of reconnecting the mirroring mechanism.
Knowledge is power and this new piece of information feels like just that to me—power. I hope that each of you may find it a source of power for you as well.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Hope and Faith
This is the season of hope. I heard someone talk about it today. How do we hold onto hope if things have gone wrong in our lives? How do we keep from feeling overwhelmed? How do we work through past hurts to get to a better place in our lives?
The answer in every case is hope. Hope that things can go right in the future. Hope that we have the strength and courage to cope. Hope that we can create happiness in our lives.
Except maybe the right word isn’t hope but faith. Faith that within us is all that we need to create that happy life. Faith that we will always have courage and strength and resilience and whatever resourcefulness we need to face any challenge. Faith that no matter how bad a situation seems, we will be all right.
Like many people who were abused as a child, I used to expect bad things to happen. I used to believe I was going to get hurt, rejected, look like a fool, and fail at what I wanted most.
And then I began to hope. Hope that it was possible for things to be different. Hope that maybe I could be good enough. Hope that I could be happy, accepted, and even be loved. Because I had hope, I began to see things I hadn’t seen before, do things I hadn’t done before and it began to happen. My life got better. And because it did, I began to have faith that it would continue to do so.
There is real power in hope. And hope fulfilled becomes faith that it will continue to be fulfilled.
The most powerful step I took, however, was to adopt the following habit. Whenever something goes wrong, I ask myself: What good could come out of this?
That isn’t always an easy question to ask. It isn’t always easy to keep asking until I get an answer. But there always is an answer. And it alters everything.
Because I do this, I have seen possibilities I otherwise might not have seen. Even better, instead of putting my focus and energy and emotion into being upset and angry at what SEEMS to have gone wrong, I am putting my focus and energy and emotion into looking for ways to cause/allow/see something good come out of the situation.
There is real power in this approach! I know I’ve written about it before but I think that especially at this time of year, for those of us who may have had less than ideal experiences at holiday time, it’s important to know how we will handle disappointments or difficult days.
So I challenge you this week/month/year/lifetime to ask yourself, the next time something goes wrong, to ask yourself: What good could come out of this? And to keep asking until you get an answer. You may be surprised at how much it changes your life for the better.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April
The answer in every case is hope. Hope that things can go right in the future. Hope that we have the strength and courage to cope. Hope that we can create happiness in our lives.
Except maybe the right word isn’t hope but faith. Faith that within us is all that we need to create that happy life. Faith that we will always have courage and strength and resilience and whatever resourcefulness we need to face any challenge. Faith that no matter how bad a situation seems, we will be all right.
Like many people who were abused as a child, I used to expect bad things to happen. I used to believe I was going to get hurt, rejected, look like a fool, and fail at what I wanted most.
And then I began to hope. Hope that it was possible for things to be different. Hope that maybe I could be good enough. Hope that I could be happy, accepted, and even be loved. Because I had hope, I began to see things I hadn’t seen before, do things I hadn’t done before and it began to happen. My life got better. And because it did, I began to have faith that it would continue to do so.
There is real power in hope. And hope fulfilled becomes faith that it will continue to be fulfilled.
The most powerful step I took, however, was to adopt the following habit. Whenever something goes wrong, I ask myself: What good could come out of this?
That isn’t always an easy question to ask. It isn’t always easy to keep asking until I get an answer. But there always is an answer. And it alters everything.
Because I do this, I have seen possibilities I otherwise might not have seen. Even better, instead of putting my focus and energy and emotion into being upset and angry at what SEEMS to have gone wrong, I am putting my focus and energy and emotion into looking for ways to cause/allow/see something good come out of the situation.
There is real power in this approach! I know I’ve written about it before but I think that especially at this time of year, for those of us who may have had less than ideal experiences at holiday time, it’s important to know how we will handle disappointments or difficult days.
So I challenge you this week/month/year/lifetime to ask yourself, the next time something goes wrong, to ask yourself: What good could come out of this? And to keep asking until you get an answer. You may be surprised at how much it changes your life for the better.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Power of Thanks
It’s odd to think, but there is tremendous power in saying “Thank you.”
When we say it to someone else, we may diffuse misunderstandings or hurts or anger. We may find that we can dramatically alter patterns of behavior that have been a problem when we stop to thank someone for what they have done rather than attack them for what we perceive as flaws.
I’ve seen this happen in my own life. And when I think about it, I realize that I, like everyone else, responds far better to thank yous than I do to criticism. It makes me want to do more. I see the person far more kindly than if they took me for granted so it makes sense that it would work with others as well.
There’s another level of power in this, however, especially if we have been through abusive situations in the past. Abuse conditions us to expect negative things to happen to us. Learning to say “Thank you” causes us to focus on what is going right in our lives and to realize that NOW things can be good, things can go right. And that’s very powerful because when we focus on what is good in our lives, the good expands. We begin to expect good and so we find it. We act and react in very different ways when we expect good things in our lives and that causes others to act and react very differently toward us as well.
I also believe that on some level we don’t understand, when we thank the universe and/or God for the good things in our lives, something happens to bring more good into our lives.
And on still another level... When we are focused on the good in our lives, we FEEL differently about life and ourselves. The levels of stress hormones in our system are likely to be lower. We are more likely to smile and find reasons to laugh. All of these things increase our resilience and let us build up emotional reserves so that when we do face a challenge, we can face it with greater creativity, confidence, and courage.
There is tremendous power in focusing on “Thank you,” on being grateful for all that IS good in our lives. I am grateful that I get to write this blog and for all of you who read it.
Sending safe and gentle ((((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
When we say it to someone else, we may diffuse misunderstandings or hurts or anger. We may find that we can dramatically alter patterns of behavior that have been a problem when we stop to thank someone for what they have done rather than attack them for what we perceive as flaws.
I’ve seen this happen in my own life. And when I think about it, I realize that I, like everyone else, responds far better to thank yous than I do to criticism. It makes me want to do more. I see the person far more kindly than if they took me for granted so it makes sense that it would work with others as well.
There’s another level of power in this, however, especially if we have been through abusive situations in the past. Abuse conditions us to expect negative things to happen to us. Learning to say “Thank you” causes us to focus on what is going right in our lives and to realize that NOW things can be good, things can go right. And that’s very powerful because when we focus on what is good in our lives, the good expands. We begin to expect good and so we find it. We act and react in very different ways when we expect good things in our lives and that causes others to act and react very differently toward us as well.
I also believe that on some level we don’t understand, when we thank the universe and/or God for the good things in our lives, something happens to bring more good into our lives.
And on still another level... When we are focused on the good in our lives, we FEEL differently about life and ourselves. The levels of stress hormones in our system are likely to be lower. We are more likely to smile and find reasons to laugh. All of these things increase our resilience and let us build up emotional reserves so that when we do face a challenge, we can face it with greater creativity, confidence, and courage.
There is tremendous power in focusing on “Thank you,” on being grateful for all that IS good in our lives. I am grateful that I get to write this blog and for all of you who read it.
Sending safe and gentle ((((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Powerful Choices
I’ve dealt with a lot of challenges in my lifetime including: an abusive childhood, raising a child with Down syndrome, creating a new life for myself after getting divorced after many, many years of marriage. When we are faced with such challenges, we can make some very powerful choices.
1) We can choose to let go of anger. All anger. Harm always comes out of hurt the other person holds inside. Hurt, self-hate, shame—these are what cause someone to do harm. The greater the harm, the greater the unhappiness that other person ALREADY feels! Anger saps our strength. Anger eats away at us. Anger steals our focus so that we can think of very little else—including how to move on with our lives.
2) We can let go of asking “Why?” Any answer would be an illusion anyway. Knowing cannot change the situation or another person. Trying to change another person will only keep us trapped where we are. Trying to change a situation that cannot be changed is a waste of our energy and focus.
3) We CAN ask ourselves: What would be of use here? What would help?
4) We CAN ask ourselves: How would it be useful to look at this situation?
5) We can ask ourselves: What good could come out of this?
6) We can ask ourselves: What would let me feel safe enough to move forward?
7) We can ask ourselves: What would make me smile RIGHT NOW?
8) We can ask ourselves: What would let me feel happy RIGHT NOW?
9) We can make a conscious choice to look for reasons to laugh and smile even on the worst of days—and by doing so prove to ourselves that we do have within us the power to be happy no matter what.
These are very powerful choices to make. These choices can let us move forward and create the best possible outcome in any given situation. It is not the circumstances of our lives that matter nearly so much as how we choose to perceive and deal with them.
What choices will you make this week? I smile as I imagine all of you choosing to laugh and smile, to reclaim the power that should always have been yours.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
1) We can choose to let go of anger. All anger. Harm always comes out of hurt the other person holds inside. Hurt, self-hate, shame—these are what cause someone to do harm. The greater the harm, the greater the unhappiness that other person ALREADY feels! Anger saps our strength. Anger eats away at us. Anger steals our focus so that we can think of very little else—including how to move on with our lives.
2) We can let go of asking “Why?” Any answer would be an illusion anyway. Knowing cannot change the situation or another person. Trying to change another person will only keep us trapped where we are. Trying to change a situation that cannot be changed is a waste of our energy and focus.
3) We CAN ask ourselves: What would be of use here? What would help?
4) We CAN ask ourselves: How would it be useful to look at this situation?
5) We can ask ourselves: What good could come out of this?
6) We can ask ourselves: What would let me feel safe enough to move forward?
7) We can ask ourselves: What would make me smile RIGHT NOW?
8) We can ask ourselves: What would let me feel happy RIGHT NOW?
9) We can make a conscious choice to look for reasons to laugh and smile even on the worst of days—and by doing so prove to ourselves that we do have within us the power to be happy no matter what.
These are very powerful choices to make. These choices can let us move forward and create the best possible outcome in any given situation. It is not the circumstances of our lives that matter nearly so much as how we choose to perceive and deal with them.
What choices will you make this week? I smile as I imagine all of you choosing to laugh and smile, to reclaim the power that should always have been yours.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Mistaken Assumptions
If you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, then you know that I believe what trips us up the most are the assumptions we never think to question. I had three examples of that this past week.
One was minor. I had evaluated a manuscript for a client and sent her feedback. When I didn’t hear back from her, my ego immediately assumed she must be unhappy with me. Fortunately, after a couple of days, I sent her an email to make sure she had gotten my feedback and to ask if she had any questions on it. Turned out she had and had sent me an email. Unfortunately, I hadn’t gotten it nor had she gotten any indication that it had bounced. She wasn't upset with me at all! She felt the feedback was quite useful and we could straighten it all out very quickly.
The experience reminded me not to assume someone was unhappy with me if I didn’t hear from them. (It also reminded me to start switching over to a more reliable email address and at the very least give all clients an alternative—just in case.)
The second experience was last weekend when I gave an all day writing workshop. Now I love giving workshops! I love knowing that I make a difference and can make writing easier and more fun and help fellow writers discover what works best for each of them. So that was great. And I found myself thinking how the first time I gave a workshop I was afraid that people (I assumed that people) would listen and then go, “Duh! Why are you telling us what we already know? That assumption had been very wrong and last weekend reminded me how rarely we value or give sufficient credit to the things we can do because we often assume, well, if we can do it surely so can everyone else. We often assume that if we know something then surely so does everyone else.
The third reminder was when I met with a classmate from high school. Now, I don’t know about you but I’ve never gone to my high school reunions. I was so unhappy back then, so much was going on at home, and I was teased so badly at school that I couldn’t imagine wanting to relive any of it. The thing is that meeting with this classmate let me see how much value it would be to revisit that time in my life NOW, as an adult with all the wisdom and maturity I’ve achieved.
I’d always felt a connection with this particular classmate. I’d felt at the time that he also felt something of a disconnect with many of our classmates. I felt at the time he had courage. He had had the guts to be the only guy in chorus (and in my high school that did take courage). So I expected to enjoy seeing him again. And I did.
What it also did, however, was make me realize that I’d never really gotten to know most of my classmates back then. I also realized that my classmates may have seen me very differently than I thought they did. And I realized that we have all grown and changed and it might be interesting to see who they are now and risk letting them see who I am.
You see, as I talked with my classmate, I shared things with him he’d never known about me and he shared things with me I hadn’t known about him. I began to realize that I’d still had, inside, assumptions I was making about how classmates from my school would perceive me that weren’t true.
We are tripped up, limited, shaped by assumptions we often don’t even realize we have. Every time we stumble over one of them, bring it to the surface, and question/alter it we grow, we break through old barriers, and we gain more freedom in shaping our lives.
What assumptions haven’t you realized were there? Or if you did, haven’t really questioned? What power and freedom might it bring you if you did?
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
One was minor. I had evaluated a manuscript for a client and sent her feedback. When I didn’t hear back from her, my ego immediately assumed she must be unhappy with me. Fortunately, after a couple of days, I sent her an email to make sure she had gotten my feedback and to ask if she had any questions on it. Turned out she had and had sent me an email. Unfortunately, I hadn’t gotten it nor had she gotten any indication that it had bounced. She wasn't upset with me at all! She felt the feedback was quite useful and we could straighten it all out very quickly.
The experience reminded me not to assume someone was unhappy with me if I didn’t hear from them. (It also reminded me to start switching over to a more reliable email address and at the very least give all clients an alternative—just in case.)
The second experience was last weekend when I gave an all day writing workshop. Now I love giving workshops! I love knowing that I make a difference and can make writing easier and more fun and help fellow writers discover what works best for each of them. So that was great. And I found myself thinking how the first time I gave a workshop I was afraid that people (I assumed that people) would listen and then go, “Duh! Why are you telling us what we already know? That assumption had been very wrong and last weekend reminded me how rarely we value or give sufficient credit to the things we can do because we often assume, well, if we can do it surely so can everyone else. We often assume that if we know something then surely so does everyone else.
The third reminder was when I met with a classmate from high school. Now, I don’t know about you but I’ve never gone to my high school reunions. I was so unhappy back then, so much was going on at home, and I was teased so badly at school that I couldn’t imagine wanting to relive any of it. The thing is that meeting with this classmate let me see how much value it would be to revisit that time in my life NOW, as an adult with all the wisdom and maturity I’ve achieved.
I’d always felt a connection with this particular classmate. I’d felt at the time that he also felt something of a disconnect with many of our classmates. I felt at the time he had courage. He had had the guts to be the only guy in chorus (and in my high school that did take courage). So I expected to enjoy seeing him again. And I did.
What it also did, however, was make me realize that I’d never really gotten to know most of my classmates back then. I also realized that my classmates may have seen me very differently than I thought they did. And I realized that we have all grown and changed and it might be interesting to see who they are now and risk letting them see who I am.
You see, as I talked with my classmate, I shared things with him he’d never known about me and he shared things with me I hadn’t known about him. I began to realize that I’d still had, inside, assumptions I was making about how classmates from my school would perceive me that weren’t true.
We are tripped up, limited, shaped by assumptions we often don’t even realize we have. Every time we stumble over one of them, bring it to the surface, and question/alter it we grow, we break through old barriers, and we gain more freedom in shaping our lives.
What assumptions haven’t you realized were there? Or if you did, haven’t really questioned? What power and freedom might it bring you if you did?
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Happiness, pt. 2
I’m posting early because I’m off to give an all day workshop this weekend.
There are two other facets to happiness that I’d like to talk about. 1) Laughter and 2) being our authentic selves.
Laughter. Sometimes it feels as if we shouldn’t laugh because bad things happened—to us and/or to others we know. We feel as if we have no right to be happy if others are having a hard time. I love Wayne Dyer’s answer to this. He says that we cannot be sick enough to make anyone else well, poor enough to make anyone else rich, and depressed enough to make anyone else happy.
My own belief is that when we find ways to laugh and smile we are building our resilience, strengthening ourselves so that when we do need to face challenges or help others, we have the internal resources to do so. It’s good to laugh and allow ourselves the right to feel happy! It’s also good to have friends who help us laugh.
I have one friend I often email if I’m having a tough time. And he almost always responds with jokes. My initial response is irritation—doesn’t he realize how upset I am? Doesn’t he get how tough whatever it is I’m facing? But deep down I know that I’m blessed to have someone who does make jokes and reminds me to laugh instead of encouraging me to wallow—because that’s wasted energy.
Don’t get me wrong—I NEED/WANT to know that he gets what I’m dealing with. But I also need/want friends who encourage me to pick myself up and get on with whatever needs to be done. And who remind me that it’s okay to laugh even if there are also challenges in my life.
Authentic Self. I believe that pretty much everyone is afraid to let people see the true them, right down to the core. Abused or not, most people are afraid, deep down, that maybe they aren’t good enough and try only to show the world what they think is acceptable. If we were raised being told, over and over that we were not good enough, then we will be truly afraid to let anyone see us as we are. We’re afraid they won’t like us, will reject us if we take that risk. The irony is that my experience has told me the opposite is true.
I used to guard my authentic self, sure that people would run the other way if I let them truly see me. And I didn’t have very many friends. I was always the outsider. Then one day I decided: What the heck. This isn’t working. How much worse could it be if I let everyone really see me?
What I discovered was that once people saw the “real me”, they wanted to know me. They didn’t see me the way my parents or other kids had when I was growing up. I discovered they valued who I am and what I have to offer. People WANT to be my friend. There was a time in my life when I would not have believed that was possible.
And it isn’t just me. When my friend was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, I worried about her. She is often perceived as “difficult” and has alienated a great many people. And yet, the night before her surgery, so many people rallied around. It was a powerful lesson for me in how we do not have to be perfect. We can be our imperfect selves and still find ourselves in a circle of people who genuinely care about us. But it begins with being genuine.
So often we try to play it safe. What I am finding is that the safest way to live, the way that is most likely for us to be able to be happy, is to stop trying to stay safe. We give ourselves the best chance to be happy when we reach out and let people see us as we are. When we take risks and do things that terrify us but which we know will help us achieve our goals, THEN we have a real chance at happiness. When we let ourselves laugh and be happy, even in the middle of very real challenges in our lives, we are more likely to find solutions to those challenges.
So please, this week, find ways to laugh, every day. And every day practice letting people close enough to see who you really are.
One caveat—If your gut instincts tell you someone is abusive and will use any of this against you, don’t let them in. Maybe you need other people, different people, non-abusive people in your life. So that may be part of practicing letting people close. If they don’t all love you, so what? There’s a world of people out there and plenty who will.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
There are two other facets to happiness that I’d like to talk about. 1) Laughter and 2) being our authentic selves.
Laughter. Sometimes it feels as if we shouldn’t laugh because bad things happened—to us and/or to others we know. We feel as if we have no right to be happy if others are having a hard time. I love Wayne Dyer’s answer to this. He says that we cannot be sick enough to make anyone else well, poor enough to make anyone else rich, and depressed enough to make anyone else happy.
My own belief is that when we find ways to laugh and smile we are building our resilience, strengthening ourselves so that when we do need to face challenges or help others, we have the internal resources to do so. It’s good to laugh and allow ourselves the right to feel happy! It’s also good to have friends who help us laugh.
I have one friend I often email if I’m having a tough time. And he almost always responds with jokes. My initial response is irritation—doesn’t he realize how upset I am? Doesn’t he get how tough whatever it is I’m facing? But deep down I know that I’m blessed to have someone who does make jokes and reminds me to laugh instead of encouraging me to wallow—because that’s wasted energy.
Don’t get me wrong—I NEED/WANT to know that he gets what I’m dealing with. But I also need/want friends who encourage me to pick myself up and get on with whatever needs to be done. And who remind me that it’s okay to laugh even if there are also challenges in my life.
Authentic Self. I believe that pretty much everyone is afraid to let people see the true them, right down to the core. Abused or not, most people are afraid, deep down, that maybe they aren’t good enough and try only to show the world what they think is acceptable. If we were raised being told, over and over that we were not good enough, then we will be truly afraid to let anyone see us as we are. We’re afraid they won’t like us, will reject us if we take that risk. The irony is that my experience has told me the opposite is true.
I used to guard my authentic self, sure that people would run the other way if I let them truly see me. And I didn’t have very many friends. I was always the outsider. Then one day I decided: What the heck. This isn’t working. How much worse could it be if I let everyone really see me?
What I discovered was that once people saw the “real me”, they wanted to know me. They didn’t see me the way my parents or other kids had when I was growing up. I discovered they valued who I am and what I have to offer. People WANT to be my friend. There was a time in my life when I would not have believed that was possible.
And it isn’t just me. When my friend was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, I worried about her. She is often perceived as “difficult” and has alienated a great many people. And yet, the night before her surgery, so many people rallied around. It was a powerful lesson for me in how we do not have to be perfect. We can be our imperfect selves and still find ourselves in a circle of people who genuinely care about us. But it begins with being genuine.
So often we try to play it safe. What I am finding is that the safest way to live, the way that is most likely for us to be able to be happy, is to stop trying to stay safe. We give ourselves the best chance to be happy when we reach out and let people see us as we are. When we take risks and do things that terrify us but which we know will help us achieve our goals, THEN we have a real chance at happiness. When we let ourselves laugh and be happy, even in the middle of very real challenges in our lives, we are more likely to find solutions to those challenges.
So please, this week, find ways to laugh, every day. And every day practice letting people close enough to see who you really are.
One caveat—If your gut instincts tell you someone is abusive and will use any of this against you, don’t let them in. Maybe you need other people, different people, non-abusive people in your life. So that may be part of practicing letting people close. If they don’t all love you, so what? There’s a world of people out there and plenty who will.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Sunday, October 29, 2006
What It Takes To Be Happy
What it takes to be happy is: 1) Find a sense of purpose for our lives and 2) Reframe the filter through which we view people and the circumstances in our lives. I’ve said it before and know by experience that this is true. I KNOW that we have the power to change circumstances and how we are treated by others. How?
We change our circumstances and how we are treated by others when we change what WE say and do and how we see ourselves. We change these things when we ask ourselves new questions and take new actions. As they say: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get a different result.
Even when what we do does not work out the way we hoped or thought it would, something changes when we push ourselves outside our comfort zones and try new things. IF we choose to see what happens as information, we grow, we learn, we recognize new possibilities. If one set of actions did not work, perhaps another will. IF we make the choice to keep trying.
We alter relationships in our lives when we begin to ask about others, especially those who are thorns in our sides: What are THEIR hopes and dreams and fears?
The thing is that it’s in our hands, how we live our lives. The possibilities are there but we need to find a way to see them. I ABSOLUTELY KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE!
Over the past few years I have made a great many changes in my life. NOW I see possibilities I could not grasp even a year ago and far more I could not see 5 years ago. Only by taking action and being willing to face my fears and honestly look at the outcome, accepting my own responsibility for my life, could I LEARN to see these new possibilities. I had to be willing to challenge old assumptions I hadn’t known I was allowing to control my actions and reactions.
Why is a sense of purpose so important? Because it gives us something to focus on beyond our own fears and self-doubts and past hurts. It’s important because we feel better when we are closer to being the kind of person we believe we ought to be. It’s important because while we may not be able to find the courage to do the things we fear if it’s just for ourselves, odds are much better we will when we know we are doing so to achieve something we believe matters.
And make no mistake—there is no way past fear except to walk through it and do the very things we think we cannot do. What we gain is priceless. And we cannot fail. Either we succeed or we gain new knowledge and insight and information—even if it’s that we may want to try something a little different next time.
This week I did some new things. Gained some insight, some validation, learned some information that on the surface seems deeply distressing. And yet I know that even with the information I find distressing, inherent in the situation is a gift—the gift of new possibilities, new ways of looking at things—if I choose to accept it.
We have choices. We can stay exactly as we are and we will have exactly what we have now—until the universe comes along and yanks the rug out from under our feet! Or we can choose to go forward, embracing change and new possibilities.
I believe that we can use everything that happens to help us move toward a life that is rich and fulfilling and filled with a sense of purpose. It’s our choice. And once we choose, it’s up to us to take the steps to achieve that life we want to have.
What is your sense of purpose and what choices will you make this week to help you achieve it? How will you move forward toward creating the life you want to have? How will you embrace the power you already, in this very moment, have within you to do so?
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
We change our circumstances and how we are treated by others when we change what WE say and do and how we see ourselves. We change these things when we ask ourselves new questions and take new actions. As they say: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get a different result.
Even when what we do does not work out the way we hoped or thought it would, something changes when we push ourselves outside our comfort zones and try new things. IF we choose to see what happens as information, we grow, we learn, we recognize new possibilities. If one set of actions did not work, perhaps another will. IF we make the choice to keep trying.
We alter relationships in our lives when we begin to ask about others, especially those who are thorns in our sides: What are THEIR hopes and dreams and fears?
The thing is that it’s in our hands, how we live our lives. The possibilities are there but we need to find a way to see them. I ABSOLUTELY KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE!
Over the past few years I have made a great many changes in my life. NOW I see possibilities I could not grasp even a year ago and far more I could not see 5 years ago. Only by taking action and being willing to face my fears and honestly look at the outcome, accepting my own responsibility for my life, could I LEARN to see these new possibilities. I had to be willing to challenge old assumptions I hadn’t known I was allowing to control my actions and reactions.
Why is a sense of purpose so important? Because it gives us something to focus on beyond our own fears and self-doubts and past hurts. It’s important because we feel better when we are closer to being the kind of person we believe we ought to be. It’s important because while we may not be able to find the courage to do the things we fear if it’s just for ourselves, odds are much better we will when we know we are doing so to achieve something we believe matters.
And make no mistake—there is no way past fear except to walk through it and do the very things we think we cannot do. What we gain is priceless. And we cannot fail. Either we succeed or we gain new knowledge and insight and information—even if it’s that we may want to try something a little different next time.
This week I did some new things. Gained some insight, some validation, learned some information that on the surface seems deeply distressing. And yet I know that even with the information I find distressing, inherent in the situation is a gift—the gift of new possibilities, new ways of looking at things—if I choose to accept it.
We have choices. We can stay exactly as we are and we will have exactly what we have now—until the universe comes along and yanks the rug out from under our feet! Or we can choose to go forward, embracing change and new possibilities.
I believe that we can use everything that happens to help us move toward a life that is rich and fulfilling and filled with a sense of purpose. It’s our choice. And once we choose, it’s up to us to take the steps to achieve that life we want to have.
What is your sense of purpose and what choices will you make this week to help you achieve it? How will you move forward toward creating the life you want to have? How will you embrace the power you already, in this very moment, have within you to do so?
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Sunday, October 22, 2006
The Gift of Discontent
Yes, I know I posted just yesterday—Losing It—but I hate to leave things like that. You see, today I remembered the power of choosing what to focus on. I remembered that discontent has often been a gift. It has pushed me to make changes in my life and so my life got better—changes I otherwise would not have made.
I stepped back and I looked at the things that have upset me over the past week or two and asked myself: What gift is this? What good could this bring into my life?
And I got answers. I realized that if I looked at each piece not from the point of view of how it scared me or made me angry (two sides of the same coin); I could see it as a gentle nudge from the universe to make some changes in my life. I could see that there might be steps I could take that would make me happier AND maybe help with the things that were upsetting me. I could see, too, an overall pattern. A global sense in which all of these things would work together.
Would I make some of the changes I need to make without such nudges from the universe? I’d like to say of course I would! But I know myself better than that. It would be easy to continue as I am without that gift of discontent.
I would not be living as I am, where I am, in the house I live in without the gift of discontent. I’d be making do. Coping. Getting along. My life wouldn’t be nearly as rich and wonderful as it is these days.
No, change isn’t easy. Most of us feel as if it would be great just to get everything all lined up and never have to worry about it again. After all, if we were in abusive situations as kids, we may have spent most of our lives constantly on the alert, constantly dealing with danger, always expecting the worst, always believing that things were going to go wrong. Everything that we did was about surviving. But now that we’re grown, good things can come into our lives, we make truly can make our lives better. Now it isn’t about surviving it’s about thriving. And as we achieve a given goal, we may feel that gift of discontent, that nudge to go in a new direction. Not because anything is wrong, but because we’re ready
Change happens. It always will. We can fight it and expend our energy doing so. We can pretend it won’t and smack up against it when it does. Or we can choose to race forward to embrace change in our lives. We can look always at life with the questions: What message is the universe bringing me today? How can I use it to make my life better and better?
So if you are unhappy today or in the days ahead, ask yourself: What good could I make of this? What gift is inherent in this discontent?
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist
I stepped back and I looked at the things that have upset me over the past week or two and asked myself: What gift is this? What good could this bring into my life?
And I got answers. I realized that if I looked at each piece not from the point of view of how it scared me or made me angry (two sides of the same coin); I could see it as a gentle nudge from the universe to make some changes in my life. I could see that there might be steps I could take that would make me happier AND maybe help with the things that were upsetting me. I could see, too, an overall pattern. A global sense in which all of these things would work together.
Would I make some of the changes I need to make without such nudges from the universe? I’d like to say of course I would! But I know myself better than that. It would be easy to continue as I am without that gift of discontent.
I would not be living as I am, where I am, in the house I live in without the gift of discontent. I’d be making do. Coping. Getting along. My life wouldn’t be nearly as rich and wonderful as it is these days.
No, change isn’t easy. Most of us feel as if it would be great just to get everything all lined up and never have to worry about it again. After all, if we were in abusive situations as kids, we may have spent most of our lives constantly on the alert, constantly dealing with danger, always expecting the worst, always believing that things were going to go wrong. Everything that we did was about surviving. But now that we’re grown, good things can come into our lives, we make truly can make our lives better. Now it isn’t about surviving it’s about thriving. And as we achieve a given goal, we may feel that gift of discontent, that nudge to go in a new direction. Not because anything is wrong, but because we’re ready
Change happens. It always will. We can fight it and expend our energy doing so. We can pretend it won’t and smack up against it when it does. Or we can choose to race forward to embrace change in our lives. We can look always at life with the questions: What message is the universe bringing me today? How can I use it to make my life better and better?
So if you are unhappy today or in the days ahead, ask yourself: What good could I make of this? What gift is inherent in this discontent?
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist
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