I want to write today about why I focus so intensely on the choices we can make and the steps we can take to heal.
WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN HEAL OURSELVES. We can find supportive counselors. They can advise and help to create a safe space for us to heal. Ultimately, however, we are the ones who must take responsibility for our lives and we are the ones who must do the work.
No one can do the healing for us. WE must rewrite the messages we took in. WE must find the courage and determination to change the patterns of our lives. WE must be willing to try new things and do what scares us most. WE must decide that we matter and that we will do whatever it takes to heal. No one can do any of those things for us.
It’s hard. It’s damned hard. It’s scary as hell, too. What is the alternative? To stay unhappy for the rest of our lives? To live out patterns where we are helpless and get hurt over and over again?
If we find the courage to take the steps to heal, if we are willing to do the hard work, if we will risk believing in ourselves and find ways to bring joy into our lives every day then we can be happy.
Let me repeat what I’ve said before and is at the core of what I believe: The best thing any of us—any person can do—is to make time and find ways to laugh and smile every day. It can be little things. Flowers on the table. A movie that makes us laugh. A lovely flavored tea. An afternoon playing sports with friends. A moment of shared laughter with a friend.
The more we find ways and reasons to smile, the easier it becomes to believe we can and deserve to be happy. The more we break the patterns of our lives in small ways, the easier it becomes to break them in larger ways. The more we rewrite the voice that says we’re only allowed to do what we’re supposed to do and replace it with the message that it’s okay to laugh and smile, the easier it is to let more and more happiness into our lives.
Warning: If you have an abusive person in your life, do not let them see you being happy! Find safe ways and places to do so. And begin to plan how to SAFELY get out and away from the monster. No matter how familiar and safe it feels to be with what you know, you do not deserve to live that way! If you think the monster is capable of changing, the most likely way for that to happen is to be gone so that the person has the motivation to change. If you decide to go make SAFETY your highest priority!
Back to my main point. We cannot wait around for someone to “save” us. We must make the choices and take the steps that will get us where we want to be. Part of that is finding the support we need in order to do so but most of it is choosing how we will live our lives and the people we will choose to become.
It’s funny. As a kid, every daydream I had was about being a hero and saving people. Now, as an adult, I realize that each of us must be the hero of our own lives. Each of us must save ourselves.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Carnival Against Child Abuse
The latest blog carnival is up and I want to put the link here so everyone can read all the great posts.
Carnival Against Child Abuse May Day May Day
None of us is an island. The safety of all children is the responsibility of all of us.
I truly believe in the ripple effect of actions we take as we reach out to protect others, to share compassion and help, or simply practice random acts of kindness. We may not be able to protect or help everyone but each of us can do something. And when we do, we may make a difference in ways we never see or know.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Carnival Against Child Abuse May Day May Day
None of us is an island. The safety of all children is the responsibility of all of us.
I truly believe in the ripple effect of actions we take as we reach out to protect others, to share compassion and help, or simply practice random acts of kindness. We may not be able to protect or help everyone but each of us can do something. And when we do, we may make a difference in ways we never see or know.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Mothers Day
If you had a wonderful mother, I’m so glad for you!
This post, however, is mostly for those of us who had less than wonderful mothers. Mothers who even if they wanted to be good and loving mothers didn’t know how. Mothers who may have been outright abusive. Mothers who may have blamed us for what was wrong with their lives.
This is, in short, for all of us who gag at saccharine Mother’s Day cards and platitudes.
I had a mother who used to tell me I was crazy and should kill myself before anyone found out—and then she would tell me in detail how I should do it. I had a mother who blamed me for every problem she had with my father. I had a mother who...
I had a mother who was hurting inside. Who hated herself so badly she had to hate me as well—because I reminded her of herself. Who never learned what love was herself. Who tried to do better than had been done to her. Who hurt me deeply anyway.
I tell you this so you will know where I’m coming from. I tell you this so you will know that I KNOW how toxic some mothers can be.
It’s important that you know because I want to talk about finding a way to forgive and love our mothers anyway—and ourselves.
LET ME BE VERY CLEAR—FORGIVING SOMEONE DOES NOT MEAN WE MUST CONTINUE TO PUT OURSELVES IN HARMS WAY! For the last 15 years of my mother’s life I did not see her or allow her near my children. I did not feel safe making any other choice. At the same time, I consciously chose to forgive her—knowing that what she did came out of her own pain and her own self-hate. I forgave her knowing that it was something I had to do for myself. I could not hold the hate and anger inside and still be loving toward my own children.
We need to acknowledge the anger—and the magnitude of any harm that was done to us—and at some point we need to let it go. We need to forgive so that WE can heal inside and turn that energy to making our own lives better and happier. We need to forgive our mothers for mistakes they made so that we can forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make—and learn to do better.
I wish that all of us had had loving mothers. Many of you reading this did and I am so glad for you! Many of you did not and if you did not I know that it may have caused you to believe you were worthless because mothers are always supposed to love their children, right?
If you were not loved by your mother or if your mother was abusive, I want to say—as emphatically as I can—IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! If your mother could not love you or hurt you it was because of pain and hurt and self-hate within HER. YOU deserved to be loved and cherished and valued!
If you had a wonderful mother then I hope that on every day, not just Mother’s Day, you tell her so. If you did not, I hope that you are able to imagine cherishing and loving the child you once were. I hope that you are able to bring people into your life who DO value and cherish you. I hope that you are able to imagine, sometimes, what it would have been like to have had a mother who could love and cherish and protect you. Because when we can imagine what that would have been like--and believe that it IS something we deserve--then we know that we truly are finding ways to heal.
Blessings and sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
This post, however, is mostly for those of us who had less than wonderful mothers. Mothers who even if they wanted to be good and loving mothers didn’t know how. Mothers who may have been outright abusive. Mothers who may have blamed us for what was wrong with their lives.
This is, in short, for all of us who gag at saccharine Mother’s Day cards and platitudes.
I had a mother who used to tell me I was crazy and should kill myself before anyone found out—and then she would tell me in detail how I should do it. I had a mother who blamed me for every problem she had with my father. I had a mother who...
I had a mother who was hurting inside. Who hated herself so badly she had to hate me as well—because I reminded her of herself. Who never learned what love was herself. Who tried to do better than had been done to her. Who hurt me deeply anyway.
I tell you this so you will know where I’m coming from. I tell you this so you will know that I KNOW how toxic some mothers can be.
It’s important that you know because I want to talk about finding a way to forgive and love our mothers anyway—and ourselves.
LET ME BE VERY CLEAR—FORGIVING SOMEONE DOES NOT MEAN WE MUST CONTINUE TO PUT OURSELVES IN HARMS WAY! For the last 15 years of my mother’s life I did not see her or allow her near my children. I did not feel safe making any other choice. At the same time, I consciously chose to forgive her—knowing that what she did came out of her own pain and her own self-hate. I forgave her knowing that it was something I had to do for myself. I could not hold the hate and anger inside and still be loving toward my own children.
We need to acknowledge the anger—and the magnitude of any harm that was done to us—and at some point we need to let it go. We need to forgive so that WE can heal inside and turn that energy to making our own lives better and happier. We need to forgive our mothers for mistakes they made so that we can forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make—and learn to do better.
I wish that all of us had had loving mothers. Many of you reading this did and I am so glad for you! Many of you did not and if you did not I know that it may have caused you to believe you were worthless because mothers are always supposed to love their children, right?
If you were not loved by your mother or if your mother was abusive, I want to say—as emphatically as I can—IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! If your mother could not love you or hurt you it was because of pain and hurt and self-hate within HER. YOU deserved to be loved and cherished and valued!
If you had a wonderful mother then I hope that on every day, not just Mother’s Day, you tell her so. If you did not, I hope that you are able to imagine cherishing and loving the child you once were. I hope that you are able to bring people into your life who DO value and cherish you. I hope that you are able to imagine, sometimes, what it would have been like to have had a mother who could love and cherish and protect you. Because when we can imagine what that would have been like--and believe that it IS something we deserve--then we know that we truly are finding ways to heal.
Blessings and sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Tightrope
In a sense, we survivors walk a tightrope.
We need to affirm our own strength—AND be willing to accept the help and support and wisdom of others.
We need to believe in ourselves and our abilities to heal—AND be gentle with ourselves and acknowledge just how much damage abuse did and how hard it is to overcome.
We need to be open to love and learn how to trust—AND we must be willing to set and respect boundaries and protect ourselves from further harm.
We need to believe in good in the world—AND acknowledge just how deeply we were hurt.
No one “just gets over it.” That’s not possible. The hurt of abuse goes far too deep. What we CAN do is rewrite all the lies we were told, the beliefs we took in that limit us, that hurt us, that keep us from having the lives we want to have. We can affirm that the past does NOT have to equal the future. Nor do we have to be who we were.
So we walk a tightrope—holding onto hope as we move forward, step by step until we get to solid ground where we KNOW things can be better, where we KNOW we can be happy, where we KNOW that we are strong enough to achieve whatever it is we want to achieve—because it is happening in our lives NOW.
With luck, we find companions who will make this journey with us--treating us with kindness and respect, acknowledging our strength and courage and wisdom (because it DOES take strength and courage and wisdom to survive!)AS WELL AS understanding the hurt and fears we carry inside.
I’d like to share with you something someone sent to me:
http://www.meditativemovies.com/MayYouBeBlessed.htm
It is a short video and embodies so much of what I wish for all of us.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
We need to affirm our own strength—AND be willing to accept the help and support and wisdom of others.
We need to believe in ourselves and our abilities to heal—AND be gentle with ourselves and acknowledge just how much damage abuse did and how hard it is to overcome.
We need to be open to love and learn how to trust—AND we must be willing to set and respect boundaries and protect ourselves from further harm.
We need to believe in good in the world—AND acknowledge just how deeply we were hurt.
No one “just gets over it.” That’s not possible. The hurt of abuse goes far too deep. What we CAN do is rewrite all the lies we were told, the beliefs we took in that limit us, that hurt us, that keep us from having the lives we want to have. We can affirm that the past does NOT have to equal the future. Nor do we have to be who we were.
So we walk a tightrope—holding onto hope as we move forward, step by step until we get to solid ground where we KNOW things can be better, where we KNOW we can be happy, where we KNOW that we are strong enough to achieve whatever it is we want to achieve—because it is happening in our lives NOW.
With luck, we find companions who will make this journey with us--treating us with kindness and respect, acknowledging our strength and courage and wisdom (because it DOES take strength and courage and wisdom to survive!)AS WELL AS understanding the hurt and fears we carry inside.
I’d like to share with you something someone sent to me:
http://www.meditativemovies.com/MayYouBeBlessed.htm
It is a short video and embodies so much of what I wish for all of us.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Friday, May 04, 2007
HOPES AND EXPECTATIONS
First, I had a great time with my friend. It’s good to have people with whom we can be ourselves and know they will accept and love us—even if we’re not perfect.
Second, I want to talk about why I write this blog. I write it, I think, out of anger. Anger that when I began my healing journey all I could seem to find were experts who said we can never get over being abused. They certainly didn’t offer a roadmap to how one could.
I hated that. I was angry that it seemed as if the professionals were giving up on us. I wouldn’t accept that I was going to have to live the rest of my life scared, hating myself, desperately unhappy, filled with shame and guilt and believing I didn’t deserve to live.
I swore that somehow I was going to find a way to heal—and that if I did, I would do whatever I could to give hope to other survivors. I swore I would share the things that worked for me.
I’m glad I didn’t know then how hard it would be or how long it would take. I’m glad I didn’t believe the experts who seemed to be saying it couldn’t be done.
I know the power of expectations, you see. I’ve read the studies. I’ve seen it firsthand in the lives of people I knew. And it makes me angry when I read any expert say we have to live with the pain forever and we can never get over it!
Will we get to a point where we’re perfectly happy? Probably not—but no one does—no matter what their background might be. What we can do—the hope I try to share—is that we can create a life in which we are happy, where we can believe in ourselves, where we know that we have within us the strength and courage to grow and heal and become the people we want to be. That’s more than many so-called “normal” people ever achieve.
And so I created a kind of manifesto in my own mind for us survivors:
We deserve to be treated with respect.
We deserve to be allowed to have hope.
We deserve counselors who will whole heartedly work to help us reach a point where we believe in ourselves and in happiness.
We deserve to be full partners in any treatment program we undertake.
All parts of ourselves deserved to be loved and accepted and helped to be happy. No part of ourselves should have to carry a burden alone.
We deserve to be treated with kindness as well as respect.
We deserve all these things from OURSELVES as well as from others. And sometimes that’s the hardest part—to treat ourselves with kindness and respect. Sometimes it’s hard for us to let ourselves believe in our right to be happy—or that we can create the lives we want to have. But that’s the goal.
So if I sometimes seem naïve in my optimism, I’m not. I just fiercely want other survivors to know it IS possible to heal. I want to offer the hope that wasn’t there when I began my healing journey. And I want to help provide the roadmap I so dearly wished I’d had when I began.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Second, I want to talk about why I write this blog. I write it, I think, out of anger. Anger that when I began my healing journey all I could seem to find were experts who said we can never get over being abused. They certainly didn’t offer a roadmap to how one could.
I hated that. I was angry that it seemed as if the professionals were giving up on us. I wouldn’t accept that I was going to have to live the rest of my life scared, hating myself, desperately unhappy, filled with shame and guilt and believing I didn’t deserve to live.
I swore that somehow I was going to find a way to heal—and that if I did, I would do whatever I could to give hope to other survivors. I swore I would share the things that worked for me.
I’m glad I didn’t know then how hard it would be or how long it would take. I’m glad I didn’t believe the experts who seemed to be saying it couldn’t be done.
I know the power of expectations, you see. I’ve read the studies. I’ve seen it firsthand in the lives of people I knew. And it makes me angry when I read any expert say we have to live with the pain forever and we can never get over it!
Will we get to a point where we’re perfectly happy? Probably not—but no one does—no matter what their background might be. What we can do—the hope I try to share—is that we can create a life in which we are happy, where we can believe in ourselves, where we know that we have within us the strength and courage to grow and heal and become the people we want to be. That’s more than many so-called “normal” people ever achieve.
And so I created a kind of manifesto in my own mind for us survivors:
We deserve to be treated with respect.
We deserve to be allowed to have hope.
We deserve counselors who will whole heartedly work to help us reach a point where we believe in ourselves and in happiness.
We deserve to be full partners in any treatment program we undertake.
All parts of ourselves deserved to be loved and accepted and helped to be happy. No part of ourselves should have to carry a burden alone.
We deserve to be treated with kindness as well as respect.
We deserve all these things from OURSELVES as well as from others. And sometimes that’s the hardest part—to treat ourselves with kindness and respect. Sometimes it’s hard for us to let ourselves believe in our right to be happy—or that we can create the lives we want to have. But that’s the goal.
So if I sometimes seem naïve in my optimism, I’m not. I just fiercely want other survivors to know it IS possible to heal. I want to offer the hope that wasn’t there when I began my healing journey. And I want to help provide the roadmap I so dearly wished I’d had when I began.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, April 28, 2007
A Friend's Visit
I have a friend coming in to town to stay with me for a few days. I’m looking forward to showing off what I’ve created here—maybe because I once wouldn’t have thought it possible.
There was a time when I would have worried what a guest would think. There was a time when my surroundings reflected my inner uncertainty and unhappiness. Now my surroundings reflect my inner peace and order and joy.
I can see, in my reaction to my friend’s visit, how far I’ve come. I realize how much self-confidence I have NOW.
Not that she knew me back when I was so scared and unhappy. Not that she knew me when I didn’t know how to smile. She won’t know how far I’ve come, but I will.
It is easy to forget how far we’ve come if we focus only on where we still have or want to go. But that’s a mistake because recognizing and celebrating the progress we’ve already made is part of what provides us with proof that we can achieve the goals we still have.
I’ve said it before and I know I’ll say it many times again—the more we acknowledge our own real inner strengths, the more true reasons we can find to believe in ourselves, the farther we will get making changes in our lives.
So I hope you take a moment today and realize how far you’ve come. Smile and celebrate and applaud yourself for the work and courage it’s taken to get to where you are right now. And remind yourself that every bit of progress you have already accomplished because each piece is proof that you can create the life you want to have.
Sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
There was a time when I would have worried what a guest would think. There was a time when my surroundings reflected my inner uncertainty and unhappiness. Now my surroundings reflect my inner peace and order and joy.
I can see, in my reaction to my friend’s visit, how far I’ve come. I realize how much self-confidence I have NOW.
Not that she knew me back when I was so scared and unhappy. Not that she knew me when I didn’t know how to smile. She won’t know how far I’ve come, but I will.
It is easy to forget how far we’ve come if we focus only on where we still have or want to go. But that’s a mistake because recognizing and celebrating the progress we’ve already made is part of what provides us with proof that we can achieve the goals we still have.
I’ve said it before and I know I’ll say it many times again—the more we acknowledge our own real inner strengths, the more true reasons we can find to believe in ourselves, the farther we will get making changes in our lives.
So I hope you take a moment today and realize how far you’ve come. Smile and celebrate and applaud yourself for the work and courage it’s taken to get to where you are right now. And remind yourself that every bit of progress you have already accomplished because each piece is proof that you can create the life you want to have.
Sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Feelings
I’m following up on a question about feelings and it’s taken me a while to figure out what I want to say.
For a long time, I tried very hard NOT to feel. Then I began to realize that one cannot feel joy and happiness unless one feels every emotion. It’s not possible to just block the negative ones.
It can be very easy to not feel anything. Especially about traumatic events. Easier not to deal with all those painful emotions. When asked how we feel about something, we may answer: “I don’t know” or “Nothing.” And it’s the truth. We maybe so afraid of what we would feel if we let ourselves know that we block our feelings completely--just like Spock did on Star Trek. And just like Spock, they may sometimes slip through.
The answer, for me, was to realize that I could handle the emotions. I created a safe environment in which to let myself feel. I surrounded myself with things that to me symbolized strength and safety. I set time limits—no more than 15 minutes at a time to let the intense emotions reach the surface. I would immediately do something afterwards that made me smile. I would run through the list of my strengths before I began. I would distance myself one step by imagining the child I had been telling me how she felt and I would imagine myself comforting her and helping her realize it wasn’t her fault and that NOW she was safe and loved.
I had strategies in place if I did get overwhelmed. Hurting myself was not allowed. (I’d had too much of that in my life already from other people!) Instead, I had a list of things I could do that would make me feel safe and/or smile. I had a list of reasons to keep going forward and reasons to believe that I could someday be happy.And I made sure I knew who I could call if I needed someone to help me process what I had felt.
These days I don’t ask myself what I feel so much as I ask myself what I WANT to feel. Do I want to feel the sadness over the shootings at Virginia Tech or do I want to focus on the heroism of individuals who made a difference that day? Do I want to focus on frustration with a friend or do I want to focus on and remember the good times she and I have shared, the times she was there for me when I needed her? Do I want to focus on my anger at someone or on the compassion I feel for whatever hurt or fear prompted the words or actions?
If I want to, in any moment I can feel any emotion I choose. All I have to do is focus on the right triggers. I’m not blocking any emotions or denying them—only choosing where I put my focus.
How do I know what makes me happy or if I am happy? Anything that makes me grin and feel like laughing. In any moment, I can bring up something in my life that will make me grin. And I choose to be grateful for having whatever that is in my life.
If I find myself hunching my shoulders, that’s a pretty good tip-off that I’m feeling shame about something. Then I know that I need to focus on compassion for myself and remind myself of all the things I do like about who I am.
If I feel my neck muscles tense and my shoulders, odds are I’m feeling anger. And then I may choose to step back and look with compassion at whomever or whatever is triggering that emotion. I remind myself that the filter through which I am perceiving things may be flawed—the person may not intend offense or disrespect. I remind myself that if the issue is important, I am most likely to find a way to alter the other person’s actions/words/perceptions if I let go of my anger and try to see things through that other person’s eyes.
If my face takes on a certain shape, I know it’s sadness I’m feeling. And I can choose again to focus not on what has been lost but on the blessings that have or will come out of whatever is triggering my sadness.
I hope this helps answer the question about feelings. Know that you have the power to choose what you feel. It may not seem like it and it may take practice and it may be uncomfortable at first to BE happy.
---It’s not about denying or suppressing emotions but rather about choosing where to place one’s focus.
---It’s about choosing to see life and the world through new and more empowering filters.
---It’s about rewriting the old messages so that we can genuinely let go of emotions that no longer serve us well.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
For a long time, I tried very hard NOT to feel. Then I began to realize that one cannot feel joy and happiness unless one feels every emotion. It’s not possible to just block the negative ones.
It can be very easy to not feel anything. Especially about traumatic events. Easier not to deal with all those painful emotions. When asked how we feel about something, we may answer: “I don’t know” or “Nothing.” And it’s the truth. We maybe so afraid of what we would feel if we let ourselves know that we block our feelings completely--just like Spock did on Star Trek. And just like Spock, they may sometimes slip through.
The answer, for me, was to realize that I could handle the emotions. I created a safe environment in which to let myself feel. I surrounded myself with things that to me symbolized strength and safety. I set time limits—no more than 15 minutes at a time to let the intense emotions reach the surface. I would immediately do something afterwards that made me smile. I would run through the list of my strengths before I began. I would distance myself one step by imagining the child I had been telling me how she felt and I would imagine myself comforting her and helping her realize it wasn’t her fault and that NOW she was safe and loved.
I had strategies in place if I did get overwhelmed. Hurting myself was not allowed. (I’d had too much of that in my life already from other people!) Instead, I had a list of things I could do that would make me feel safe and/or smile. I had a list of reasons to keep going forward and reasons to believe that I could someday be happy.And I made sure I knew who I could call if I needed someone to help me process what I had felt.
These days I don’t ask myself what I feel so much as I ask myself what I WANT to feel. Do I want to feel the sadness over the shootings at Virginia Tech or do I want to focus on the heroism of individuals who made a difference that day? Do I want to focus on frustration with a friend or do I want to focus on and remember the good times she and I have shared, the times she was there for me when I needed her? Do I want to focus on my anger at someone or on the compassion I feel for whatever hurt or fear prompted the words or actions?
If I want to, in any moment I can feel any emotion I choose. All I have to do is focus on the right triggers. I’m not blocking any emotions or denying them—only choosing where I put my focus.
How do I know what makes me happy or if I am happy? Anything that makes me grin and feel like laughing. In any moment, I can bring up something in my life that will make me grin. And I choose to be grateful for having whatever that is in my life.
If I find myself hunching my shoulders, that’s a pretty good tip-off that I’m feeling shame about something. Then I know that I need to focus on compassion for myself and remind myself of all the things I do like about who I am.
If I feel my neck muscles tense and my shoulders, odds are I’m feeling anger. And then I may choose to step back and look with compassion at whomever or whatever is triggering that emotion. I remind myself that the filter through which I am perceiving things may be flawed—the person may not intend offense or disrespect. I remind myself that if the issue is important, I am most likely to find a way to alter the other person’s actions/words/perceptions if I let go of my anger and try to see things through that other person’s eyes.
If my face takes on a certain shape, I know it’s sadness I’m feeling. And I can choose again to focus not on what has been lost but on the blessings that have or will come out of whatever is triggering my sadness.
I hope this helps answer the question about feelings. Know that you have the power to choose what you feel. It may not seem like it and it may take practice and it may be uncomfortable at first to BE happy.
---It’s not about denying or suppressing emotions but rather about choosing where to place one’s focus.
---It’s about choosing to see life and the world through new and more empowering filters.
---It’s about rewriting the old messages so that we can genuinely let go of emotions that no longer serve us well.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Safety and Change
I talk a lot about how change is good. It occurred to me that I should talk about HOW change happens.
I believe that change is most likely to happen when we 1) feel safe or 2) change is safer than staying as we are or 3) we have no choice. When state 2 or 3 occurs we are often reacting and the changes we make might not be optimal!
The ideal is to be in state 1 where we feel safe and feel ready to consciously choose to make changes in our lives. Choice is good. So is feeling safe as we move out of our comfort zones and into the new and take steps that feel scary to us.
So HOW do we feel safe? Waiting for it to happen isn’t, in my experience, too great a strategy. There’s always something to come along that could scare us if we let it. Much better to create a sense of safety in our lives, a core of something no one can take away from us, a sense of safety that we can call on NO MATTER WHAT.
How do we do that? In my experience there are several things that can help:
1) Create an image of a safe place in our minds—a place that feels happy and safe and truly ours. We don’t need to share it with anyone so no one can harm us there.
2) Keep a list (in our heads if it doesn’t feel safe to write it down so someone else could find and use it against us) of all our strengths and all our past successes. This is evidence, proof that we CAN succeed, we CAN make changes.
3) Create a habit that whenever we do something that is good for us and helps us move forward, even if—ESPECIALLY IF—it scares us, immediately afterwards we do something that makes us smile. This rewards doing things that move us forward and is a reminder that no matter what we can create moments in our lives when we can smile and feel happy—even if it’s only for a moment or two.
4) In that safe place in our mind we can rehearse or practice things we are going to do. We can figure out solutions to the things that scare us most, figure out things we might say and rehearse how to handle possible setbacks. Never mind that it might play out totally different in real life! The key is to help us feel more comfortable and safer taking these steps forward.
5) Create a habit of noticing, every day, what is good in our lives and what we are grateful for. This helps to remind us that we can have good in our lives.
6) Create a habit of seeing the best in others. This does NOT mean tolerating abuse and telling ourselves the person didn’t really mean it! It means seeing clearly all of what is there. In other words, if someone is abusive, it means recognizing this AND recognizing that the abuse comes out of the person’s own fears and hurt. It means removing ourselves from the situation so that we are no longer abused AND doing so without anger or hate. Why? If we cannot believe anyone can be good or trustworthy we will feel like what’s the point of leaving someone who mistreats us because won’t everyone? It is much easier to make changes if we can trust that it might be worthwhile and that we may discover wonderful new people to bring into our lives.
7) Fid a way to bring FUN into the process. Find a way to laugh at ourselves and our fears and focus on what GOOD will come out of the changes we are making.
The more we focus on what is right about ourselves and our strengths, the easier it becomes to believe in ourselves and find strength and courage to move forward. The more we face our fears and do things anyway, the easier it becomes to make even more changes and face down even more fears.
I also believe with all my heart that change comes far more easily when we are focusing not on how flawed we are but rather when we focus on how our lives will be better if we make these changes, on how we will be happier, on how we can have fun in the process of making these changes.
Anyway, that’s my take on change. May each of you discover what lets you feel safe and ways to create that feeling for yourself as you go through life. May each of you discover what can make you smile as you find your courage to move forward creating the lives you want to have. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I believe that change is most likely to happen when we 1) feel safe or 2) change is safer than staying as we are or 3) we have no choice. When state 2 or 3 occurs we are often reacting and the changes we make might not be optimal!
The ideal is to be in state 1 where we feel safe and feel ready to consciously choose to make changes in our lives. Choice is good. So is feeling safe as we move out of our comfort zones and into the new and take steps that feel scary to us.
So HOW do we feel safe? Waiting for it to happen isn’t, in my experience, too great a strategy. There’s always something to come along that could scare us if we let it. Much better to create a sense of safety in our lives, a core of something no one can take away from us, a sense of safety that we can call on NO MATTER WHAT.
How do we do that? In my experience there are several things that can help:
1) Create an image of a safe place in our minds—a place that feels happy and safe and truly ours. We don’t need to share it with anyone so no one can harm us there.
2) Keep a list (in our heads if it doesn’t feel safe to write it down so someone else could find and use it against us) of all our strengths and all our past successes. This is evidence, proof that we CAN succeed, we CAN make changes.
3) Create a habit that whenever we do something that is good for us and helps us move forward, even if—ESPECIALLY IF—it scares us, immediately afterwards we do something that makes us smile. This rewards doing things that move us forward and is a reminder that no matter what we can create moments in our lives when we can smile and feel happy—even if it’s only for a moment or two.
4) In that safe place in our mind we can rehearse or practice things we are going to do. We can figure out solutions to the things that scare us most, figure out things we might say and rehearse how to handle possible setbacks. Never mind that it might play out totally different in real life! The key is to help us feel more comfortable and safer taking these steps forward.
5) Create a habit of noticing, every day, what is good in our lives and what we are grateful for. This helps to remind us that we can have good in our lives.
6) Create a habit of seeing the best in others. This does NOT mean tolerating abuse and telling ourselves the person didn’t really mean it! It means seeing clearly all of what is there. In other words, if someone is abusive, it means recognizing this AND recognizing that the abuse comes out of the person’s own fears and hurt. It means removing ourselves from the situation so that we are no longer abused AND doing so without anger or hate. Why? If we cannot believe anyone can be good or trustworthy we will feel like what’s the point of leaving someone who mistreats us because won’t everyone? It is much easier to make changes if we can trust that it might be worthwhile and that we may discover wonderful new people to bring into our lives.
7) Fid a way to bring FUN into the process. Find a way to laugh at ourselves and our fears and focus on what GOOD will come out of the changes we are making.
The more we focus on what is right about ourselves and our strengths, the easier it becomes to believe in ourselves and find strength and courage to move forward. The more we face our fears and do things anyway, the easier it becomes to make even more changes and face down even more fears.
I also believe with all my heart that change comes far more easily when we are focusing not on how flawed we are but rather when we focus on how our lives will be better if we make these changes, on how we will be happier, on how we can have fun in the process of making these changes.
Anyway, that’s my take on change. May each of you discover what lets you feel safe and ways to create that feeling for yourself as you go through life. May each of you discover what can make you smile as you find your courage to move forward creating the lives you want to have. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Monday, April 16, 2007
Blame
This is one of the toughest things to let go of. Often we were blamed for everything that went wrong—in childhood, in a relationship, in any area of our lives. We may have grown up with the idea that someone must be blamed for everything—and too often it was us—so now one of our defense mechanisms may be to assess blame before anyone else can.
Note: I would agree that it is better to place blame on someone else’s shoulders—if that’s where it belongs—than to take it onto our own shoulders! I’m all for NOT accepting responsibility for problems that we did NOT cause! The thing is that blame ultimately hurts us.
Blame carries a heavy emotional toll. It requires anger. It requires reminding ourselves of grievances. It requires putting our energy and focus into what is or was wrong--rather than what could be right. And lurking at the back of it all is likely to be the fear that maybe we’re wrong and the other person isn’t to blame—we are. Maybe that’s even where we start.
What’s the alternative? Recognizing that something went wrong. Acknowledging any part we played in that AND any part others played in that. Doing so NOT as a way to place blame but rather as a way to say to ourselves: Hmmm, what went wrong and how and is there a way NOT to have things go wrong in future situations like this one?
In other words, it’s taking the emotions and the shame out of the equation. It's letting go of the anger that can otherwise eat us up inside.
What if no matter what went wrong or why, we are still human beings worth loving who deserve and can find a way to live fulfilling and happy lives? What if we are able to see that any harm done arises out of hurt and shame and self-doubt (if done on purpose) and ignorance (if done unknowingly)? What would that change? How much easier would it be to forgive and love—ourselves and others?
That does NOT mean we must let others hurt us again! It is possible to see that someone acted out of their own hurt and shame, forgive AND STILL WALK AWAY because it is not wise to be around that person. It is possible to look within ourselves and know that we were doing our best at the time and that NOW maybe we are capable of making different choices and taking different actions but we were not able to do so then.
You see, the more we forgive and love ourselves, the less likely we are to allow anyone to harm us and the less likely we are to harm others. If we can forgive and banish blame, we can let ourselves look more clearly at situations. We can learn from the past and create a future in which we are able to let ourselves be happy. We can know that no one else’s fears or hurts or shame—no matter what it causes that person to do!—in any way alters who we are. No matter what someone else does that impacts us in a negative way, it does not change the fact that we are children of God deserving of love and happiness.
I am not suggesting this change happens overnight. I recall at one point, some years ago, describing to my then counselor a situation in which someone had done something very hurtful to me. I was angry and ready to place blame where it clearly belonged—on this other person! (Which at least was progress since I wasn’t blaming myself this time.) He suggested that I just bless the person and let my anger go. I can’t tell you how close I came to cussing him out that day. Was he crazy???? Was I just supposed to forget what this person had done? Didn’t I have a right to be angry?????
I needed to go through the phase of being able to be angry. I needed to be able to recognize that I didn’t always have to take blame upon myself. It took time—several years in fact—before I was ready to move to the next step, letting go of blame and seeing the world through a filter of understanding and forgiveness.
The thing is, I couldn’t get to the point where I could forgive others and stop blaming them until I could forgive and stop blaming myself. Only then could I let go of the anger that was so corrosive to ME, to the person I wanted to be. Only then could I take the energy that had gone into anger and blame and use it to be happy instead.
Now I bless that counselor for saying what he did even when I wasn’t ready to believe it. Because it stayed with me until I was ready to grasp what he meant. That’s one reason I post ideas here even when I know they might not sit well with those who read my blog. Because I’m so grateful for all the times that people have offered me wisdom before I was ready to hear it even when they knew I might not like what they had to say.
As I said above, I couldn’t forgive and let go of blame toward others until I could forgive and stop blaming myself. I believe that this is our task in healing—to work on loving ourselves and believing in that divine spark which is within every one of us. Healing is bringing to the surface and rewriting those negative messages we have taken in about ourselves and replacing them with messages that empower us.
I’m going on much too long but I wanted to write about this because I know the damage that blame does—especially when we blame ourselves for things that were never our fault to begin with! And I lived with that kind of self-blame for far too many decades not knowing that it was both right and possible to let go of that self-blame.
So I hope for each of you that you are able to practice forgiving yourselves—even if you can only manage to do so for moments at a time. It is a gift you give yourself but also every person in your life who you care about. When we do not love and forgive ourselves, it is very hard to trust or love or forgive anyone else either.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Note: I would agree that it is better to place blame on someone else’s shoulders—if that’s where it belongs—than to take it onto our own shoulders! I’m all for NOT accepting responsibility for problems that we did NOT cause! The thing is that blame ultimately hurts us.
Blame carries a heavy emotional toll. It requires anger. It requires reminding ourselves of grievances. It requires putting our energy and focus into what is or was wrong--rather than what could be right. And lurking at the back of it all is likely to be the fear that maybe we’re wrong and the other person isn’t to blame—we are. Maybe that’s even where we start.
What’s the alternative? Recognizing that something went wrong. Acknowledging any part we played in that AND any part others played in that. Doing so NOT as a way to place blame but rather as a way to say to ourselves: Hmmm, what went wrong and how and is there a way NOT to have things go wrong in future situations like this one?
In other words, it’s taking the emotions and the shame out of the equation. It's letting go of the anger that can otherwise eat us up inside.
What if no matter what went wrong or why, we are still human beings worth loving who deserve and can find a way to live fulfilling and happy lives? What if we are able to see that any harm done arises out of hurt and shame and self-doubt (if done on purpose) and ignorance (if done unknowingly)? What would that change? How much easier would it be to forgive and love—ourselves and others?
That does NOT mean we must let others hurt us again! It is possible to see that someone acted out of their own hurt and shame, forgive AND STILL WALK AWAY because it is not wise to be around that person. It is possible to look within ourselves and know that we were doing our best at the time and that NOW maybe we are capable of making different choices and taking different actions but we were not able to do so then.
You see, the more we forgive and love ourselves, the less likely we are to allow anyone to harm us and the less likely we are to harm others. If we can forgive and banish blame, we can let ourselves look more clearly at situations. We can learn from the past and create a future in which we are able to let ourselves be happy. We can know that no one else’s fears or hurts or shame—no matter what it causes that person to do!—in any way alters who we are. No matter what someone else does that impacts us in a negative way, it does not change the fact that we are children of God deserving of love and happiness.
I am not suggesting this change happens overnight. I recall at one point, some years ago, describing to my then counselor a situation in which someone had done something very hurtful to me. I was angry and ready to place blame where it clearly belonged—on this other person! (Which at least was progress since I wasn’t blaming myself this time.) He suggested that I just bless the person and let my anger go. I can’t tell you how close I came to cussing him out that day. Was he crazy???? Was I just supposed to forget what this person had done? Didn’t I have a right to be angry?????
I needed to go through the phase of being able to be angry. I needed to be able to recognize that I didn’t always have to take blame upon myself. It took time—several years in fact—before I was ready to move to the next step, letting go of blame and seeing the world through a filter of understanding and forgiveness.
The thing is, I couldn’t get to the point where I could forgive others and stop blaming them until I could forgive and stop blaming myself. Only then could I let go of the anger that was so corrosive to ME, to the person I wanted to be. Only then could I take the energy that had gone into anger and blame and use it to be happy instead.
Now I bless that counselor for saying what he did even when I wasn’t ready to believe it. Because it stayed with me until I was ready to grasp what he meant. That’s one reason I post ideas here even when I know they might not sit well with those who read my blog. Because I’m so grateful for all the times that people have offered me wisdom before I was ready to hear it even when they knew I might not like what they had to say.
As I said above, I couldn’t forgive and let go of blame toward others until I could forgive and stop blaming myself. I believe that this is our task in healing—to work on loving ourselves and believing in that divine spark which is within every one of us. Healing is bringing to the surface and rewriting those negative messages we have taken in about ourselves and replacing them with messages that empower us.
I’m going on much too long but I wanted to write about this because I know the damage that blame does—especially when we blame ourselves for things that were never our fault to begin with! And I lived with that kind of self-blame for far too many decades not knowing that it was both right and possible to let go of that self-blame.
So I hope for each of you that you are able to practice forgiving yourselves—even if you can only manage to do so for moments at a time. It is a gift you give yourself but also every person in your life who you care about. When we do not love and forgive ourselves, it is very hard to trust or love or forgive anyone else either.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
The Power of Letting Go
This is sort of my belated Easter post. I apologize if it's confusing for anyone that sometimes I post once a week and sometimes more than that. It's just that sometimes I realize there are more things I want and need to say. So....
I love the image of Easter—which for me is one of transformation, of letting go of the old life to transform into a new and more extraordinary life.
I’ve talked about this before but I think it matters enough to write about it again, now.
Note: None of us lets go of all these things all at once. We need to do it in our own time when we’re ready. In a sense, these are goals. Just being aware that they ARE goals can have an immense impact on our lives—for the better. And the more of these we are able to achieve, the more we empower ourselves to create the lives we want to have.
Letting go:
1) Letting go of old beliefs that no longer serve us. (I can’t make it on my own. I’ll always fail. I’ll never be loved or treated with kindness and respect.)
2) Letting go of old relationships that no longer make sense in our lives—OR letting go of how they have been (and the belief this is the only way they can be) to transform the relationship into something new and better.
3) Letting go of old objects that we no longer need—and perhaps thereby making room for new ones that now serve us better.
4) Letting go of fears—and the belief that we must give in to them—to discover new abilities and new possibilities.
5) Letting go of seeing ourselves as victims, seeing ourselves as flawed and/or broken, letting go of seeing ourselves as helpless—and celebrating the strength and courage and capabilities we have inside.
6) Letting go of (righteous) anger—and transforming ourselves by being willing to forgive.
7) Letting go of blame—and discovering the power of focusing on ourselves and the choices we can make.
8) Letting go of the belief that anyone owes us anything—and turning that energy to creating what we want to have ourselves.
9) Letting go of the belief that God failed us—and discovering the power and comfort when we know we can draw on God’s strength whenever we need to do so.
10) Letting go of any crutches (addictions) we have used to dull our pain—and discovering that when we allow ourselves to feel pain, we can finally feel joy as well.
I don’t mean to claim that rewriting/recreating our lives is easy. It’s hard work and often down right scary! So why do it? Because it is only in letting go of the above that we can create the lives we want to have—and have the chance to be happier than we ever thought we could be. This is the only way to discover that we are stronger, braver and more capable and competent than we believed we could be. This is also the only way to counter the false and hurtful messages that may have been given to us—often by those who claimed to love us but were destructive anyway. This is the only way to free up the energy and focus so that we may end up astonishing everyone—including ourselves.
Our lives are in our hands. Our futures are in our hands. We must choose to be who we want to be and create the lives we want to have. The good news is that we can. And when we are ready, we can tap into that universal something greater than ourselves that we call God to find strength and courage and hope when we thought we had none left.
Wishing all of you a time of letting go this spring and embracing new possibilities and opportunities and beliefs—about yourselves and the world around you—and sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
I love the image of Easter—which for me is one of transformation, of letting go of the old life to transform into a new and more extraordinary life.
I’ve talked about this before but I think it matters enough to write about it again, now.
Note: None of us lets go of all these things all at once. We need to do it in our own time when we’re ready. In a sense, these are goals. Just being aware that they ARE goals can have an immense impact on our lives—for the better. And the more of these we are able to achieve, the more we empower ourselves to create the lives we want to have.
Letting go:
1) Letting go of old beliefs that no longer serve us. (I can’t make it on my own. I’ll always fail. I’ll never be loved or treated with kindness and respect.)
2) Letting go of old relationships that no longer make sense in our lives—OR letting go of how they have been (and the belief this is the only way they can be) to transform the relationship into something new and better.
3) Letting go of old objects that we no longer need—and perhaps thereby making room for new ones that now serve us better.
4) Letting go of fears—and the belief that we must give in to them—to discover new abilities and new possibilities.
5) Letting go of seeing ourselves as victims, seeing ourselves as flawed and/or broken, letting go of seeing ourselves as helpless—and celebrating the strength and courage and capabilities we have inside.
6) Letting go of (righteous) anger—and transforming ourselves by being willing to forgive.
7) Letting go of blame—and discovering the power of focusing on ourselves and the choices we can make.
8) Letting go of the belief that anyone owes us anything—and turning that energy to creating what we want to have ourselves.
9) Letting go of the belief that God failed us—and discovering the power and comfort when we know we can draw on God’s strength whenever we need to do so.
10) Letting go of any crutches (addictions) we have used to dull our pain—and discovering that when we allow ourselves to feel pain, we can finally feel joy as well.
I don’t mean to claim that rewriting/recreating our lives is easy. It’s hard work and often down right scary! So why do it? Because it is only in letting go of the above that we can create the lives we want to have—and have the chance to be happier than we ever thought we could be. This is the only way to discover that we are stronger, braver and more capable and competent than we believed we could be. This is also the only way to counter the false and hurtful messages that may have been given to us—often by those who claimed to love us but were destructive anyway. This is the only way to free up the energy and focus so that we may end up astonishing everyone—including ourselves.
Our lives are in our hands. Our futures are in our hands. We must choose to be who we want to be and create the lives we want to have. The good news is that we can. And when we are ready, we can tap into that universal something greater than ourselves that we call God to find strength and courage and hope when we thought we had none left.
Wishing all of you a time of letting go this spring and embracing new possibilities and opportunities and beliefs—about yourselves and the world around you—and sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist
Friday, April 06, 2007
Sometimes Things Go Right
It’s so easy to feel, when something goes wrong, that things will always go wrong. It can be so hard to remember sometimes that they can also go right. I lived most of my life expecting things to go wrong and it’s only in recent years that changed.
Ever since my trip to New Jersey I’ve been on eggshells, not knowing if I’d have to fly back. For a while it looked as if that might be the case. Last night I got word that it won’t happen and I can breathe a sigh of relief. I also found out that what seemed like everything falling apart last week, in terms of arrangements for my son, was just a miscommunication. My ex hadn’t thought to ask our son (Down syndrome) a few key questions. And neither had I. (Though I had counseled my ex not to panic until he spoke to someone who could tell him what was really going on.)
In any event, this whole experience has been a reminder that things can go right—even if it looks like they are not. The best case scenario can occur—rather than the worst. I don’t have to always be the rescuer and sometimes it’s better for everyone if I’m not. I was also reminded that it’s time to let go of any lingering addiction to drama.
I say often the things that trip us up are the things we haven’t stopped to question. That has certainly been true since all of this started. I had forgotten what my reaction pattern was to drama because for quite a while now I’ve had peace and calm around me. Then this all happened and I found myself needing repeatedly to stop and remind myself that I don’t want or need drama in my life any more nor do I need to get drawn into someone else’s drama. I can step back, take a deep breath, and be the voice of calm—for myself even if no one else listens.
I no longer need the sense of validation I once got by being the person who could always keep a cool head in the midst of a crisis. I no longer need the approval I might get from stepping in and making things right. I can give up drama as an excuse not to do every day things. I can give up the need to be the one who solves every problem—and actually trust others to find solutions.
That doesn’t mean I ignore responsibility or don’t act when it’s necessary that I do so! It does mean that I strip away the issue of the drama itself and step back to look at the entire situation as calmly and clearly as I can and then decide—rather than continuing to play out old patterns. NOW I can value peace and calm and dealing with every day life instead. In other words, now I can choose to be happy instead of needing to be a heroine. Even if I take the same actions, I do so in a very different state of mind than in the past.
This is important because for a long time I didn’t know who I was if I wasn’t a heroine. It was a way of making up for who I wasn’t, a way of atoning for being me—but no amount of self-sacrifice ever felt like it was enough. What a relief to have reached a point in my life when I know that it IS okay to be ME!
I hope that I will always have the courage to do what’s right—even when it’s hard or scary. But I will do so already believing in me, already believing in my right to exist and be who I am, already believing in my right to be happy.
I share all of this because I think so many of us who have had traumatic experiences in our lives fall into patterns of expecting things to go wrong and/or we become rescuers.
I hope that each of you is able to create at least small islands of peace and calm in your lives, that you are able to trust that sometimes things will go right. (The irony is that the more we allow ourselves to believe it, the more likely it is to be true!) I hope that each of you will come to a place where you are able to believe that it’s okay to be YOU—without having to be a rescuer or hero/heroine of some kind in order to deserve to exist. I hope that each of you can see within each challenge the blessings that it brings.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Ever since my trip to New Jersey I’ve been on eggshells, not knowing if I’d have to fly back. For a while it looked as if that might be the case. Last night I got word that it won’t happen and I can breathe a sigh of relief. I also found out that what seemed like everything falling apart last week, in terms of arrangements for my son, was just a miscommunication. My ex hadn’t thought to ask our son (Down syndrome) a few key questions. And neither had I. (Though I had counseled my ex not to panic until he spoke to someone who could tell him what was really going on.)
In any event, this whole experience has been a reminder that things can go right—even if it looks like they are not. The best case scenario can occur—rather than the worst. I don’t have to always be the rescuer and sometimes it’s better for everyone if I’m not. I was also reminded that it’s time to let go of any lingering addiction to drama.
I say often the things that trip us up are the things we haven’t stopped to question. That has certainly been true since all of this started. I had forgotten what my reaction pattern was to drama because for quite a while now I’ve had peace and calm around me. Then this all happened and I found myself needing repeatedly to stop and remind myself that I don’t want or need drama in my life any more nor do I need to get drawn into someone else’s drama. I can step back, take a deep breath, and be the voice of calm—for myself even if no one else listens.
I no longer need the sense of validation I once got by being the person who could always keep a cool head in the midst of a crisis. I no longer need the approval I might get from stepping in and making things right. I can give up drama as an excuse not to do every day things. I can give up the need to be the one who solves every problem—and actually trust others to find solutions.
That doesn’t mean I ignore responsibility or don’t act when it’s necessary that I do so! It does mean that I strip away the issue of the drama itself and step back to look at the entire situation as calmly and clearly as I can and then decide—rather than continuing to play out old patterns. NOW I can value peace and calm and dealing with every day life instead. In other words, now I can choose to be happy instead of needing to be a heroine. Even if I take the same actions, I do so in a very different state of mind than in the past.
This is important because for a long time I didn’t know who I was if I wasn’t a heroine. It was a way of making up for who I wasn’t, a way of atoning for being me—but no amount of self-sacrifice ever felt like it was enough. What a relief to have reached a point in my life when I know that it IS okay to be ME!
I hope that I will always have the courage to do what’s right—even when it’s hard or scary. But I will do so already believing in me, already believing in my right to exist and be who I am, already believing in my right to be happy.
I share all of this because I think so many of us who have had traumatic experiences in our lives fall into patterns of expecting things to go wrong and/or we become rescuers.
I hope that each of you is able to create at least small islands of peace and calm in your lives, that you are able to trust that sometimes things will go right. (The irony is that the more we allow ourselves to believe it, the more likely it is to be true!) I hope that each of you will come to a place where you are able to believe that it’s okay to be YOU—without having to be a rescuer or hero/heroine of some kind in order to deserve to exist. I hope that each of you can see within each challenge the blessings that it brings.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Blessings
I’m not sure how to title this but I thought perhaps I should post something a little more upbeat than my last post. My only excuse for that one is that I came back here, started to relax into the calm and peace and happiness of being HERE and when I got those calls from back in New Jersey I felt as if I was about to be dragged back and overwhelmed again.
I gave a workshop this morning about spirituality and writing and found myself focusing on one of the questions I asked the students to consider. It had to do with looking at a challenge and seeing the blessings inherent in the situation. And it reminded me of the ones inherent in mine.
----I was able to see my son and my friend with breast cancer and another friend.
----I was able to recognize and let go of the need to always be the rescuer.
----I was able to see the degree to which my son’s behavior has spun out of control. I have a chance to catch my breath, to begin to plan for my next visit with my son in a couple of months so that perhaps it will go more smoothly.
----I was able to begin to rewrite certain relationships in my life and old patterns of interacting with people.
-----I was able to perceive the respect and kindness being offered me when I would not have expected it.
----I flew on an airline I have not flown on before and discovered that I liked it a great deal.
----I came back with a renewed appreciation for what I have managed to create in my life and the rightness of certain past decisions—including getting divorced—both for myself and for those I care about.
----I’ve been given a chance to see things that may come up in the future and therefore time to begin to plan for them.
----I’ve discovered that even in the midst of chaos I can create moments of calm, even when I’m surrounded by serious problems I can find moments of joy. And there were several moments/experiences that felt as if the universe was giving me a hug.
----I have been reminded that we do not have to stay trapped by old assumptions and new ways of doing things can be good.
----I discovered that I could go against the advice of dear friends and discover that I was right to do so—that my instincts can be trusted—that I do know what I’m doing.
----I can CHOOSE. Maybe that’s the most important one of all. I can CHOOSE whether to do something or not instead of simply reacting and playing out old patterns. I can CHOOSE to set limits. I can CHOOSE to love someone AND choose not to be enmeshed in that person’s chaos and/or world image—both at the same time.
Am I happy about the situation back in New Jersey? No. I’m sad more than anything else that matters have come to this point. I’m sad that it may get worse before it gets better. At the same time, that may be exactly what needs to happen. For each person involved, this is a chance to learn something important, a chance to take a new direction so that all our lives become better and happier. Whatever happens, I know that I am moving forward and this whole situation, as awful as it seems, is a blessing and an opportunity to grow.
Sending blessings (preferably gentler and happier ones than mine this week) and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
I gave a workshop this morning about spirituality and writing and found myself focusing on one of the questions I asked the students to consider. It had to do with looking at a challenge and seeing the blessings inherent in the situation. And it reminded me of the ones inherent in mine.
----I was able to see my son and my friend with breast cancer and another friend.
----I was able to recognize and let go of the need to always be the rescuer.
----I was able to see the degree to which my son’s behavior has spun out of control. I have a chance to catch my breath, to begin to plan for my next visit with my son in a couple of months so that perhaps it will go more smoothly.
----I was able to begin to rewrite certain relationships in my life and old patterns of interacting with people.
-----I was able to perceive the respect and kindness being offered me when I would not have expected it.
----I flew on an airline I have not flown on before and discovered that I liked it a great deal.
----I came back with a renewed appreciation for what I have managed to create in my life and the rightness of certain past decisions—including getting divorced—both for myself and for those I care about.
----I’ve been given a chance to see things that may come up in the future and therefore time to begin to plan for them.
----I’ve discovered that even in the midst of chaos I can create moments of calm, even when I’m surrounded by serious problems I can find moments of joy. And there were several moments/experiences that felt as if the universe was giving me a hug.
----I have been reminded that we do not have to stay trapped by old assumptions and new ways of doing things can be good.
----I discovered that I could go against the advice of dear friends and discover that I was right to do so—that my instincts can be trusted—that I do know what I’m doing.
----I can CHOOSE. Maybe that’s the most important one of all. I can CHOOSE whether to do something or not instead of simply reacting and playing out old patterns. I can CHOOSE to set limits. I can CHOOSE to love someone AND choose not to be enmeshed in that person’s chaos and/or world image—both at the same time.
Am I happy about the situation back in New Jersey? No. I’m sad more than anything else that matters have come to this point. I’m sad that it may get worse before it gets better. At the same time, that may be exactly what needs to happen. For each person involved, this is a chance to learn something important, a chance to take a new direction so that all our lives become better and happier. Whatever happens, I know that I am moving forward and this whole situation, as awful as it seems, is a blessing and an opportunity to grow.
Sending blessings (preferably gentler and happier ones than mine this week) and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Critical Time
This is the critical time. I spent today relaxing, back home again, catching up on things and thinking what a difference it makes to be HERE, peaceful and calm and happy.
And then the call came. Chaos back THERE. What should they do? Disaster. Maybe. No one’s sure. Tell us what we should do, they ask.
I answer calmly. I don’t have enough information to know and I’m HERE, it’s not in my hands. Suggest questions to be asked, steps to be taken. Not offering to solve it all again. Not offering to jump on another plane and go back to rescue them. Again. Even if I wanted to I can’t. I have obligations here.
But...it is hard to do this, to stand firm. To let people I have loved so deeply resolve their own crisis—if they can. To watch it all fall apart if they can’t.
Knowing that if I go back I drown—and disaster is only postponed a little longer. Knowing that the chaos is because of choices they make and have made. Knowing they may not be capable of changing and if they can’t it will all fall apart.
Tonight I have no answers, only a profound grief that it has come to this. It is no satisfaction to know that I was right in what I tried to tell them—for years and years.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
And then the call came. Chaos back THERE. What should they do? Disaster. Maybe. No one’s sure. Tell us what we should do, they ask.
I answer calmly. I don’t have enough information to know and I’m HERE, it’s not in my hands. Suggest questions to be asked, steps to be taken. Not offering to solve it all again. Not offering to jump on another plane and go back to rescue them. Again. Even if I wanted to I can’t. I have obligations here.
But...it is hard to do this, to stand firm. To let people I have loved so deeply resolve their own crisis—if they can. To watch it all fall apart if they can’t.
Knowing that if I go back I drown—and disaster is only postponed a little longer. Knowing that the chaos is because of choices they make and have made. Knowing they may not be capable of changing and if they can’t it will all fall apart.
Tonight I have no answers, only a profound grief that it has come to this. It is no satisfaction to know that I was right in what I tried to tell them—for years and years.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Old Dreams, New Dreams
One of the difficult things is being in the house where I had so many dreams when I was married. When I first moved in, anyway. By the time I left, those dreams were long shattered. Still, it hurts to see the house as it is now and even the garden gone—buried under weeds and tall grass.
It is difficult, too, seeing my son as he is now and remembering both my dreams and my fears for him when he was born and we found out he had Down syndrome. I see in his behavior echoes of his father. And I see a distinct personality all his own. I ache that I cannot make the world right for him— or him for the world. I ache that there are no magic answers, that I cannot create miracles to make his path easier.
But I cannot. He is turning 30 soon and I know that I cannot change what is.
I go back home tomorrow. There is both relief and fear and worry in leaving now. There is frustration, too. Not just because of the situation with my son, but because there were friends I hoped to see and cannot this time. Again. Too much time, too much energy spent just trying to cope with what had to be done and schedules that just couldn’t mesh with mine.
There is nothing easy about coming face to face with the loss of hopes and dreams once held so dear.
At the same time, even through the sadness I feel, there is profound gratitude that I am visiting and not trapped in the chaos here—as I once was. There is profound gratitude that even in this short visit I have begun rewriting relationships that were not working well. There is relief in knowing I go back to a place I love with people waiting who clearly value me.
There is more than a little pride, too, in having faced these fears, in having found myself in conversations that echoed past conversations and been able—this time!—to sidestep the role laid out for me and suggest better ones for all of us. There is comfort in knowing I have not acted out of anger or revenge or pettiness.
There is comfort in knowing that NOW I value my dreams and needs and hopes and strengths. Now I can walk into situations that would have intimidated me a few years ago and know I can handle them. There is pleasure in seeing and hearing respect from people and realizing that a few years ago I would not have perceived that respect even if it had been there.
I tell you all of this, clumsily fumbling for the right words to convey the depth of what I feel because I know that so many of you out there may feel as trapped as I once did and believe there is no way out, no real chance for change. I want somehow to share with you that there is always hope and that profound changes can take place. I want to somehow let you see that one doesn’t have to be afraid of the emotions that can accompany profound changes—that with the sadness can be very real joy as well.
As difficult as this week has been—and I don’t know how to put into words all the shades of significance this journey has had for me—I am so glad I made it. I am so grateful for the challenges that helped me to see my strengths and that (some) relationships can be rewritten and that yet again I am finding people may perceive me far more favorably than I expect. (I have been deep in the heart, after all, of my ex-husband’s territory—social, religious, and geographic.)
I know that until my plane takes off late tomorrow afternoon a part of me will whisper I should stay longer. Another, wiser part will remind me of what good—for all of us—may yet come out of my having to leave.
Change can bring wrenching emotions. Those are not necessarily bad things. Letting go of what doesn’t serve us opens the way for new good to enter our lives. What once scared or overwhelmed us does not always have to do so. Letting go of old dreams can open the doorway for new and better dreams, dreams that a few short years ago we may not even have known how to dream.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
It is difficult, too, seeing my son as he is now and remembering both my dreams and my fears for him when he was born and we found out he had Down syndrome. I see in his behavior echoes of his father. And I see a distinct personality all his own. I ache that I cannot make the world right for him— or him for the world. I ache that there are no magic answers, that I cannot create miracles to make his path easier.
But I cannot. He is turning 30 soon and I know that I cannot change what is.
I go back home tomorrow. There is both relief and fear and worry in leaving now. There is frustration, too. Not just because of the situation with my son, but because there were friends I hoped to see and cannot this time. Again. Too much time, too much energy spent just trying to cope with what had to be done and schedules that just couldn’t mesh with mine.
There is nothing easy about coming face to face with the loss of hopes and dreams once held so dear.
At the same time, even through the sadness I feel, there is profound gratitude that I am visiting and not trapped in the chaos here—as I once was. There is profound gratitude that even in this short visit I have begun rewriting relationships that were not working well. There is relief in knowing I go back to a place I love with people waiting who clearly value me.
There is more than a little pride, too, in having faced these fears, in having found myself in conversations that echoed past conversations and been able—this time!—to sidestep the role laid out for me and suggest better ones for all of us. There is comfort in knowing I have not acted out of anger or revenge or pettiness.
There is comfort in knowing that NOW I value my dreams and needs and hopes and strengths. Now I can walk into situations that would have intimidated me a few years ago and know I can handle them. There is pleasure in seeing and hearing respect from people and realizing that a few years ago I would not have perceived that respect even if it had been there.
I tell you all of this, clumsily fumbling for the right words to convey the depth of what I feel because I know that so many of you out there may feel as trapped as I once did and believe there is no way out, no real chance for change. I want somehow to share with you that there is always hope and that profound changes can take place. I want to somehow let you see that one doesn’t have to be afraid of the emotions that can accompany profound changes—that with the sadness can be very real joy as well.
As difficult as this week has been—and I don’t know how to put into words all the shades of significance this journey has had for me—I am so glad I made it. I am so grateful for the challenges that helped me to see my strengths and that (some) relationships can be rewritten and that yet again I am finding people may perceive me far more favorably than I expect. (I have been deep in the heart, after all, of my ex-husband’s territory—social, religious, and geographic.)
I know that until my plane takes off late tomorrow afternoon a part of me will whisper I should stay longer. Another, wiser part will remind me of what good—for all of us—may yet come out of my having to leave.
Change can bring wrenching emotions. Those are not necessarily bad things. Letting go of what doesn’t serve us opens the way for new good to enter our lives. What once scared or overwhelmed us does not always have to do so. Letting go of old dreams can open the doorway for new and better dreams, dreams that a few short years ago we may not even have known how to dream.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Monday, March 26, 2007
Moving Forward and Letting Go
Moving forward often means letting go of things. Often we see that as letting go of physical objects or relationships and meaning we will lose something. On this trip I’m reminded that it can mean something very different. I am reminded that it can mean letting go of beliefs that no longer serve us.
I am also reminded just how profoundly the choices I make affect my circumstances. I could easily have seen myself as trapped this week—and that’s how I initially felt. But I am realizing that if I let go of the belief that I must always be the rescuer, that I must always be the one to find solutions, that I must always be the one to take care of others, then there are solutions I would not otherwise perceive.
Today there were moments when I felt utter panic. I felt the walls closing in and trapped. And then I realized that I had to let go of the above beliefs. All of a sudden, I began to see possible solutions to the situation that would not involve me, that did not require me to sacrifice myself so that I could resolve someone else’s dilemma. I could offer ways that person could approach the challenges he faces that did not involve me. Had I been able to do this twenty years ago, who knows how different my life might have been.
But we cannot go back and change the past. We did the best we could in those moments of our lives. The key is to remember that at any point, in any moment, we can stop and challenge the assumptions we hold. We can let go of ideas and beliefs that no longer serve us.
The irony is that in stepping out of the rescuer role, I am offering the others involved in this crisis a chance to grow and discover new capabilities within themselves and new dimensions to how they see themselves and each other. I can be true to myself and the kind of person I choose to be without taking ownership of anyone else’s problems.
I did not look forward to this journey but I knew absolutely within my heart that it was necessary. I am profoundly grateful that I chose to come here. We do not grow or change by playing it safe and if we do not grow and change then the quality of our lives cannot change. It is in facing the challenges in our lives that we grow and discover new strengths, new resilience, new possibilities, and new ways to be happy.
Had I not come, I would not have been the person I choose to be. And I would not have understood what I understood today. I would not be at peace with the choices I was making. I would not have had this chance to grow.
May you be able to see within every challenge you face the opportunity to grow and be happier. May you be able to let go of that which no longer serves you and move forward to become the person you are meant to be.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
(I knew I was going to need to write several posts this week!)
I am also reminded just how profoundly the choices I make affect my circumstances. I could easily have seen myself as trapped this week—and that’s how I initially felt. But I am realizing that if I let go of the belief that I must always be the rescuer, that I must always be the one to find solutions, that I must always be the one to take care of others, then there are solutions I would not otherwise perceive.
Today there were moments when I felt utter panic. I felt the walls closing in and trapped. And then I realized that I had to let go of the above beliefs. All of a sudden, I began to see possible solutions to the situation that would not involve me, that did not require me to sacrifice myself so that I could resolve someone else’s dilemma. I could offer ways that person could approach the challenges he faces that did not involve me. Had I been able to do this twenty years ago, who knows how different my life might have been.
But we cannot go back and change the past. We did the best we could in those moments of our lives. The key is to remember that at any point, in any moment, we can stop and challenge the assumptions we hold. We can let go of ideas and beliefs that no longer serve us.
The irony is that in stepping out of the rescuer role, I am offering the others involved in this crisis a chance to grow and discover new capabilities within themselves and new dimensions to how they see themselves and each other. I can be true to myself and the kind of person I choose to be without taking ownership of anyone else’s problems.
I did not look forward to this journey but I knew absolutely within my heart that it was necessary. I am profoundly grateful that I chose to come here. We do not grow or change by playing it safe and if we do not grow and change then the quality of our lives cannot change. It is in facing the challenges in our lives that we grow and discover new strengths, new resilience, new possibilities, and new ways to be happy.
Had I not come, I would not have been the person I choose to be. And I would not have understood what I understood today. I would not be at peace with the choices I was making. I would not have had this chance to grow.
May you be able to see within every challenge you face the opportunity to grow and be happier. May you be able to let go of that which no longer serves you and move forward to become the person you are meant to be.
Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
(I knew I was going to need to write several posts this week!)
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Changes
Looking over my last post, I realized it could be read the wrong way. It could be read as if I am afraid of my ex-husband and going back to face him. The truth, I must tell you, is nothing so heroic as that.
I’m not of afraid of my ex-husband so much as I’m afraid for him. Afraid that he broke his leg so badly because the cancer may be back and this time in his bones. So far that doesn’t seem to be the case, but the fear is still there. My son’s fear is that his father is in worse shape than he is, that he will die as other family members have died when they went to the hospital. Those are his fears that I must help ease.
My other fear is of being drawn into chaos and drowning in it. Of finding I fall back into the pattern of never challenging my ex-husband’s expectations. Of discovering my son is so out of control that there’s nothing I can do. I am afraid of falling into my ex-husband’s expectations of who I should be and what I should do for him. I am afraid of forgetting the strong woman I have become.
As I said, not very heroic. Just...sad and difficult and worrisome and mundane.
On the plus side, I am discovering that I can choose to do THIS in order to be the kind of person I choose to be and still say NO, I will not do THAT because THAT is asking too much of me. There is power in knowing that NOW I can choose to set boundaries, now I can choose how I see myself.
On the down side, things are worse with my son than I feared they would be. His behavior is more out of control and my ability to reach him diminished even more than it was before. I’m getting very little sleep and all my waking time with him is spent in trying to create some structure, trying to set some boundaries and help him understand what is acceptable and what is not. So that when I must return home to Texas there will be people who are willing to stay with him until my ex-husband can take over his care again.
And always I must cope with the disparity between how I hoped I would be as a mother to my children and how reality has turned out. I must deal with my fears for my son’s future and the reality of my own capabilities and the circumstances with which I live.
I am also fielding calls from my daughter trying to choose a graduate school and so I find myself giving her the questions to ask herself so that she can decide and trying to encourage her to trust her own wisdom. She is a young woman with the capability to change the world and some day I think she will but for now she wants guidance and it is hard not to tell her what I think and only suggest to her what she can ask herself.
My friend with breast cancer is still scared but she does what needs to be done with grace and dignity. It is good to be able to see her and cheer her on and give her some books that I know will make her laugh.
So this is a visit that is exhausting and brings back old fears and old patterns of behavior and worries. It is a visit that in many ways is good and in many ways upsetting. I must face the gap between what I wish was and how things really are. I must choose every day, sometimes every moment, what I will choose to focus on—that which disappoints or scares me or on the good in my life. As much as I can, I choose the good.
I am blessed that I can be here with my son. I am blessed that my friend is fighting her breast cancer so successfully. I am blessed that my ex is choosing to treat me with more respect NOW than he ever did when we were married. I am blessed that I no longer have to see myself through my ex-husband’s eyes and his measures of what matters and what doesn’t.
Here’s an example of how/why focus matters. When I was flying in, the second part of my trip was delayed by 2 hours. I could have focused on how upset I was, how unfair the delay was, etc. Instead, I discovered a shop where I could buy something to use as a prayer shawl while I am here. And so many people rebooked themselves onto other flights that mine was half empty. I even found when I reached the house that my son was out bowling and got home ten minutes after I did so that the delay didn’t really matter after all. In short, the delay brought possibilities and blessings into my life and I am grateful that I was able to see and enjoy them.
We have a choice, every day, to move forward, to look for the good in our lives and value the blessings or to see ourselves as helpless victims, forever unfairly treated and unhappy. I have friends who do just that—see themselves as such victims. I understand. I truly do. I also see the unhappiness within which they see themselves as trapped and I know that I would rather choose to be happy.
Well, I’m rambling on much too long. I suspect I will post again this week—if only to clarify my own thoughts about what I am going through and coping with. I hope you will bear with me when I do. And I hope that in your own lives you are finding reasons to be grateful and ways to rewrite relationships that are changing or no longer nourish your soul.
With blessings and sending safe and gentle ((((((((hugs))))))))),
April_optimist
I’m not of afraid of my ex-husband so much as I’m afraid for him. Afraid that he broke his leg so badly because the cancer may be back and this time in his bones. So far that doesn’t seem to be the case, but the fear is still there. My son’s fear is that his father is in worse shape than he is, that he will die as other family members have died when they went to the hospital. Those are his fears that I must help ease.
My other fear is of being drawn into chaos and drowning in it. Of finding I fall back into the pattern of never challenging my ex-husband’s expectations. Of discovering my son is so out of control that there’s nothing I can do. I am afraid of falling into my ex-husband’s expectations of who I should be and what I should do for him. I am afraid of forgetting the strong woman I have become.
As I said, not very heroic. Just...sad and difficult and worrisome and mundane.
On the plus side, I am discovering that I can choose to do THIS in order to be the kind of person I choose to be and still say NO, I will not do THAT because THAT is asking too much of me. There is power in knowing that NOW I can choose to set boundaries, now I can choose how I see myself.
On the down side, things are worse with my son than I feared they would be. His behavior is more out of control and my ability to reach him diminished even more than it was before. I’m getting very little sleep and all my waking time with him is spent in trying to create some structure, trying to set some boundaries and help him understand what is acceptable and what is not. So that when I must return home to Texas there will be people who are willing to stay with him until my ex-husband can take over his care again.
And always I must cope with the disparity between how I hoped I would be as a mother to my children and how reality has turned out. I must deal with my fears for my son’s future and the reality of my own capabilities and the circumstances with which I live.
I am also fielding calls from my daughter trying to choose a graduate school and so I find myself giving her the questions to ask herself so that she can decide and trying to encourage her to trust her own wisdom. She is a young woman with the capability to change the world and some day I think she will but for now she wants guidance and it is hard not to tell her what I think and only suggest to her what she can ask herself.
My friend with breast cancer is still scared but she does what needs to be done with grace and dignity. It is good to be able to see her and cheer her on and give her some books that I know will make her laugh.
So this is a visit that is exhausting and brings back old fears and old patterns of behavior and worries. It is a visit that in many ways is good and in many ways upsetting. I must face the gap between what I wish was and how things really are. I must choose every day, sometimes every moment, what I will choose to focus on—that which disappoints or scares me or on the good in my life. As much as I can, I choose the good.
I am blessed that I can be here with my son. I am blessed that my friend is fighting her breast cancer so successfully. I am blessed that my ex is choosing to treat me with more respect NOW than he ever did when we were married. I am blessed that I no longer have to see myself through my ex-husband’s eyes and his measures of what matters and what doesn’t.
Here’s an example of how/why focus matters. When I was flying in, the second part of my trip was delayed by 2 hours. I could have focused on how upset I was, how unfair the delay was, etc. Instead, I discovered a shop where I could buy something to use as a prayer shawl while I am here. And so many people rebooked themselves onto other flights that mine was half empty. I even found when I reached the house that my son was out bowling and got home ten minutes after I did so that the delay didn’t really matter after all. In short, the delay brought possibilities and blessings into my life and I am grateful that I was able to see and enjoy them.
We have a choice, every day, to move forward, to look for the good in our lives and value the blessings or to see ourselves as helpless victims, forever unfairly treated and unhappy. I have friends who do just that—see themselves as such victims. I understand. I truly do. I also see the unhappiness within which they see themselves as trapped and I know that I would rather choose to be happy.
Well, I’m rambling on much too long. I suspect I will post again this week—if only to clarify my own thoughts about what I am going through and coping with. I hope you will bear with me when I do. And I hope that in your own lives you are finding reasons to be grateful and ways to rewrite relationships that are changing or no longer nourish your soul.
With blessings and sending safe and gentle ((((((((hugs))))))))),
April_optimist
Friday, March 23, 2007
Travel and Fears
Just a short note as I get ready to fly out. The good thing is that I will get to see my friend with breast cancer and my son (who has down syndrome) and help to calm his fears about his father. But that means I must calm my own.
And there are fears getting triggered about going back now under these conditions. I need to keep stopping, taking deep breaths (breathe in deeply, hold for several seconds, let out slowly) as I remind myself that all will be well. I am not who I was.
Still, it is hard to go from a place where everyone views me with respect to a place where people don’t. Some of them anyway. One of the things I will be looking at is in what way some of those dynamics can be altered—IF they can.
I know that I will need to do the breathing often—to calm fears that are rising up out of the past as much as because of what’s happening now. I will envision a safe place in my mind where I am confident and strong and remind myself of all the successes I have had in my life. And that I am not who I was when I lived there and felt so afraid to ever speak up for myself.
There are some real issues in the now. Fears that I hope will prove groundless. I breathe deeply and remind myself that whatever will be will be—whether I worry or not—and that I have within me the skills and strength and resilience to face whatever is ahead.
Well, time to go. If I can, I will try to post a little more often this week. If I can. Depends on how things go and what internet access I have. Blessings to all of you and as always, sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))).
April_optimist
And there are fears getting triggered about going back now under these conditions. I need to keep stopping, taking deep breaths (breathe in deeply, hold for several seconds, let out slowly) as I remind myself that all will be well. I am not who I was.
Still, it is hard to go from a place where everyone views me with respect to a place where people don’t. Some of them anyway. One of the things I will be looking at is in what way some of those dynamics can be altered—IF they can.
I know that I will need to do the breathing often—to calm fears that are rising up out of the past as much as because of what’s happening now. I will envision a safe place in my mind where I am confident and strong and remind myself of all the successes I have had in my life. And that I am not who I was when I lived there and felt so afraid to ever speak up for myself.
There are some real issues in the now. Fears that I hope will prove groundless. I breathe deeply and remind myself that whatever will be will be—whether I worry or not—and that I have within me the skills and strength and resilience to face whatever is ahead.
Well, time to go. If I can, I will try to post a little more often this week. If I can. Depends on how things go and what internet access I have. Blessings to all of you and as always, sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))).
April_optimist
Saturday, March 17, 2007
I Hate Dental Work
I hate going to the dentist. I’ve got really sensitive teeth. (Think multiple shots of Novocain that still don’t numb the nerve completely.) And this was a new dentist so I had no way of knowing how good he was or wasn’t.
And then there’s the cost. I don’t have dental insurance and even if I did a) the insurance wouldn’t be cheap and b) I’d still have to pay half out of pocket.
So why am I talking about something that makes most people cringe? Two reason. I want to share two things with all of you: dental discount cards and relaxation techniques.
In my case, I found that Aetna has a dental discount card that costs me $6 a month (one time $15 application fee). There’s NO WAITING PERIOD for any level of dental work and it saved me $138 yesterday. ($258 without the card, $120 with it) Needless to say, I’m thrilled. So I mention it for anyone else who doesn’t have dental insurance and needs dental work. It might save you enough to be worth it. (I’ll see in 6 months how much it saves me on having my teeth cleaned.)
Now for the other part of it. As I said, I’d never had any work done by this dentist before. So I was really nervous. Would he understand how terrified I was? Would he stop if he hit the nerve and give me a chance to recover? What about the Novocain—would it work this time?
I’ve been told in the past that the adrenaline of fear can drive the Novocain out of the system so the more I could do to relax the better. Um, okay. What did I have to lose? The question was: Was it possible? (Relax? RELAX? To get my tooth drilled? Were they out of their freaking minds?????)
I started the night before, telling myself as I went to sleep that it would go perfectly on Friday morning. I would feel no pain. Friday morning I had decaf coffee instead of regular and I started doing deep, calming breathing techniques. At the dentist’s office, for the first time they took my blood pressure before they began. 117/68—pretty good. The breathing technique must be working.
The dentist came in. He was very nice, assured me everyone got scared. I’m not sure he realized just how scared I get because I looked so calm. Okay, we’d see how it goes. He tilted the chair back and I closed my eyes and kept repeating mentally to myself that I was calm and at peace and it would all go perfectly. And it pretty much did. He hit the nerve once, instantly stopped, gave me a second or two to recover and then after that it was fine.
I can’t tell you my relief when he was done. It was probably the most pain free filling I’ve ever gotten. Part of it was that he was good at what he did. I also know that a big part of it was how relaxed I was.
Anyway wanted to share those two things—the dental discount cards and the relaxation techniques—because I know that going to the dentist can be a real problem for many of us. (Heck I’m such a wuss about the dentist that there have been times I put off seeing one for a few years at a stretch—and always regretted it later.)
As always, sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist
Note: Family crisis means I may need to fly to NJ and not sure when I'll next get a chance to post. No one should worry if I'm a little later than usual! I'm fine just, as I said, family crisis to deal with.
And then there’s the cost. I don’t have dental insurance and even if I did a) the insurance wouldn’t be cheap and b) I’d still have to pay half out of pocket.
So why am I talking about something that makes most people cringe? Two reason. I want to share two things with all of you: dental discount cards and relaxation techniques.
In my case, I found that Aetna has a dental discount card that costs me $6 a month (one time $15 application fee). There’s NO WAITING PERIOD for any level of dental work and it saved me $138 yesterday. ($258 without the card, $120 with it) Needless to say, I’m thrilled. So I mention it for anyone else who doesn’t have dental insurance and needs dental work. It might save you enough to be worth it. (I’ll see in 6 months how much it saves me on having my teeth cleaned.)
Now for the other part of it. As I said, I’d never had any work done by this dentist before. So I was really nervous. Would he understand how terrified I was? Would he stop if he hit the nerve and give me a chance to recover? What about the Novocain—would it work this time?
I’ve been told in the past that the adrenaline of fear can drive the Novocain out of the system so the more I could do to relax the better. Um, okay. What did I have to lose? The question was: Was it possible? (Relax? RELAX? To get my tooth drilled? Were they out of their freaking minds?????)
I started the night before, telling myself as I went to sleep that it would go perfectly on Friday morning. I would feel no pain. Friday morning I had decaf coffee instead of regular and I started doing deep, calming breathing techniques. At the dentist’s office, for the first time they took my blood pressure before they began. 117/68—pretty good. The breathing technique must be working.
The dentist came in. He was very nice, assured me everyone got scared. I’m not sure he realized just how scared I get because I looked so calm. Okay, we’d see how it goes. He tilted the chair back and I closed my eyes and kept repeating mentally to myself that I was calm and at peace and it would all go perfectly. And it pretty much did. He hit the nerve once, instantly stopped, gave me a second or two to recover and then after that it was fine.
I can’t tell you my relief when he was done. It was probably the most pain free filling I’ve ever gotten. Part of it was that he was good at what he did. I also know that a big part of it was how relaxed I was.
Anyway wanted to share those two things—the dental discount cards and the relaxation techniques—because I know that going to the dentist can be a real problem for many of us. (Heck I’m such a wuss about the dentist that there have been times I put off seeing one for a few years at a stretch—and always regretted it later.)
As always, sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist
Note: Family crisis means I may need to fly to NJ and not sure when I'll next get a chance to post. No one should worry if I'm a little later than usual! I'm fine just, as I said, family crisis to deal with.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Traveling
Just got back from a trip. I gave a day long writing workshop on Saturday. People who know me say they take it for granted my workshops will be a success. These days, I do too. But I remember all too vividly back when I found it hard to believe I could have anything to say that anyone would want to hear or they didn’t already know!
Looking back, I also remember all too vividly how, for most of my life, I would have felt out of place in a new situation with people I didn’t know. These days, travel is an opportunity to make new friends—everywhere. On this trip I did make new friends, I made a difference AND I had FUN! What could be better than that?
I used to worry that if I said something and someone didn’t “get it” that it meant I had failed—and I’d try even harder to persuade them I was right. Now I know, from my own experience, how a person can hear something, think it’s nonsense or useless information, and then discover days, weeks, months or even years later how true the words were. (I can’t tell you how many times over the past few years I’ve felt I should apologize to the counselor I worked with for thinking at the time that what he was saying was lame only to realize NOW how profoundly powerful or right it was!) The truth is that we understand things when we’re ready to understand them. If someone doesn’t get what we’re saying, that’s okay. They will if and when they are ready to do so. And maybe what’s right for us isn’t always right for someone else. I’ve learned to offer ideas and tools knowing that I can’t gauge which will be right for which person. This makes presenting workshops a whole lot easier. I don’t have to worry if someone disagrees with me about something. I can relax knowing that my job is just to share what I know and have faith that each person there will find and use what’s right for them.
Of course, when I talk about writing, I also talk about much more than that. I talk about finding joy in everything we do. I talk about believing in ourselves. I talk about trusting our subconscious to help us resolve all the challenges in our lives. I talk about seeing others and understanding that conflict always rises out of triggered fears. I talk about doing things in small pieces so we don’t get overwhelmed and doing what needs to be done in an order that builds experiences of success.
In other words, I share a lot of what I write about here. Because whether there is abuse in our backgrounds or not, we are all more alike than we are different. We all carry self-doubt. We all have hopes and dreams and fears.
Here’s hoping that in your life you realize what YOU have to offer the world. Here’s hoping that in your life you realize that you DO belong. Here’s hoping that you know that everywhere you go there are new friends to be found.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Looking back, I also remember all too vividly how, for most of my life, I would have felt out of place in a new situation with people I didn’t know. These days, travel is an opportunity to make new friends—everywhere. On this trip I did make new friends, I made a difference AND I had FUN! What could be better than that?
I used to worry that if I said something and someone didn’t “get it” that it meant I had failed—and I’d try even harder to persuade them I was right. Now I know, from my own experience, how a person can hear something, think it’s nonsense or useless information, and then discover days, weeks, months or even years later how true the words were. (I can’t tell you how many times over the past few years I’ve felt I should apologize to the counselor I worked with for thinking at the time that what he was saying was lame only to realize NOW how profoundly powerful or right it was!) The truth is that we understand things when we’re ready to understand them. If someone doesn’t get what we’re saying, that’s okay. They will if and when they are ready to do so. And maybe what’s right for us isn’t always right for someone else. I’ve learned to offer ideas and tools knowing that I can’t gauge which will be right for which person. This makes presenting workshops a whole lot easier. I don’t have to worry if someone disagrees with me about something. I can relax knowing that my job is just to share what I know and have faith that each person there will find and use what’s right for them.
Of course, when I talk about writing, I also talk about much more than that. I talk about finding joy in everything we do. I talk about believing in ourselves. I talk about trusting our subconscious to help us resolve all the challenges in our lives. I talk about seeing others and understanding that conflict always rises out of triggered fears. I talk about doing things in small pieces so we don’t get overwhelmed and doing what needs to be done in an order that builds experiences of success.
In other words, I share a lot of what I write about here. Because whether there is abuse in our backgrounds or not, we are all more alike than we are different. We all carry self-doubt. We all have hopes and dreams and fears.
Here’s hoping that in your life you realize what YOU have to offer the world. Here’s hoping that in your life you realize that you DO belong. Here’s hoping that you know that everywhere you go there are new friends to be found.
Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Heroes and Safety
Most people live their lives from a place of fear. Not just people who have been traumatized but everyone. Fear of being broke, fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of being hurt, fear of being abandoned, fear of ____________ (fill in the blank with every other fear you can think of).
Problem is our brains don’t work the same when we’re scared Often we can’t think of solutions as easily or feel generous and loving if we’re afraid. At the very least it’s much harder than when we’re happy or relaxed.
So...two thoughts:
1) Create a safe place in your mind. Whenever you feel scared imagine being there, safe and happy. Imagine this is how your life is meant to be. What could you do if you always felt this safe and happy?
Odds are that if you can create this sense of being safe and happy in your mind, you will begin to see solutions to situations that have felt overwhelming. You will see the path out of every challenge. If you know, deep in your heart, that you deserve to feel this safe and happy, odds are you will not let anyone mistreat you ever again.
2) Be a hero. I’m not talking about rushing into burning buildings or fighting wars. I’m not talking about rescuing every person you see. I’m not talking about trying to be good enough, heroic enough to deserve to exist. (And yes, I know that one only too well....)
What I am talking about is this: Suppose you see yourself as a hero—someone who does the right thing even if it’s hard or scary? Suppose you see yourself as someone who can offer a kind word to others and who does what needs to be done—even when it’s hard or scary?
I’m talking about a mental shift. I’m talking about seeing yourself from the core of your STRENGTHS. I’m talking about seeing yourself as strong and capable of making changes in your life.
And yes, sometimes it means standing up for others. Sometimes it means doing the right thing even when the other person doesn’t. It means choosing to become the people we want to be and believe in. It means caring enough about ourselves to ask of ourselves that we give our best—not for anyone else’s sake but for our own.
What if we choose to live lives of joy? What if we choose to be at peace with ourselves? What if we choose to believe that we will always find the resilience and strength inside to live as we want to live? How might our lives change?
That’s the journey I’ve been on the past few years. And as scary as it has been at times, oh, the joy in discovering I am stronger than I thought I was, braver than I thought I was, smarter than I thought I was!
Five years ago, I could not have imagined my life as it is now. Ten years ago I would have said you were crazy if you told me this was who I would become. Twenty years ago I’m not sure I believed I’d even live until now.
What I am saying is that even if you have trouble believing these things of yourself and your own life, there is power in taking a leap of faith. There is power in choosing to live AS IF it was true—as if you were strong enough and brave enough and wise enough to create the kind of life you want to have. You may not see any way to do it. I didn’t. I was lucky if I could see two steps ahead, much less have a far reaching plan! But I took the leap of faith and the bridge appeared. So, I believe, it will for you.
So...create an image of a safe and happy place in your mind. A place where you can go to renew yourself emotionally when it’s been a hard day. And begin to live your life as a hero. Notice the good things that begin to happen, the ways your life begins to improve. Trust that you don’t need to be able to see the whole path—just the step ahead.
Sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
Problem is our brains don’t work the same when we’re scared Often we can’t think of solutions as easily or feel generous and loving if we’re afraid. At the very least it’s much harder than when we’re happy or relaxed.
So...two thoughts:
1) Create a safe place in your mind. Whenever you feel scared imagine being there, safe and happy. Imagine this is how your life is meant to be. What could you do if you always felt this safe and happy?
Odds are that if you can create this sense of being safe and happy in your mind, you will begin to see solutions to situations that have felt overwhelming. You will see the path out of every challenge. If you know, deep in your heart, that you deserve to feel this safe and happy, odds are you will not let anyone mistreat you ever again.
2) Be a hero. I’m not talking about rushing into burning buildings or fighting wars. I’m not talking about rescuing every person you see. I’m not talking about trying to be good enough, heroic enough to deserve to exist. (And yes, I know that one only too well....)
What I am talking about is this: Suppose you see yourself as a hero—someone who does the right thing even if it’s hard or scary? Suppose you see yourself as someone who can offer a kind word to others and who does what needs to be done—even when it’s hard or scary?
I’m talking about a mental shift. I’m talking about seeing yourself from the core of your STRENGTHS. I’m talking about seeing yourself as strong and capable of making changes in your life.
And yes, sometimes it means standing up for others. Sometimes it means doing the right thing even when the other person doesn’t. It means choosing to become the people we want to be and believe in. It means caring enough about ourselves to ask of ourselves that we give our best—not for anyone else’s sake but for our own.
What if we choose to live lives of joy? What if we choose to be at peace with ourselves? What if we choose to believe that we will always find the resilience and strength inside to live as we want to live? How might our lives change?
That’s the journey I’ve been on the past few years. And as scary as it has been at times, oh, the joy in discovering I am stronger than I thought I was, braver than I thought I was, smarter than I thought I was!
Five years ago, I could not have imagined my life as it is now. Ten years ago I would have said you were crazy if you told me this was who I would become. Twenty years ago I’m not sure I believed I’d even live until now.
What I am saying is that even if you have trouble believing these things of yourself and your own life, there is power in taking a leap of faith. There is power in choosing to live AS IF it was true—as if you were strong enough and brave enough and wise enough to create the kind of life you want to have. You may not see any way to do it. I didn’t. I was lucky if I could see two steps ahead, much less have a far reaching plan! But I took the leap of faith and the bridge appeared. So, I believe, it will for you.
So...create an image of a safe and happy place in your mind. A place where you can go to renew yourself emotionally when it’s been a hard day. And begin to live your life as a hero. Notice the good things that begin to happen, the ways your life begins to improve. Trust that you don’t need to be able to see the whole path—just the step ahead.
Sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist
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