Changing How I See Myself

Sorry to be MIA for so long! It’s been a hectic. Good, for the most part but hectic.

And I’ve been looking at what changes I might want to make in my life. (Yes, I can’t help tinkering. As good as things are, I know they could be even better.)

One of the things I’ve been noticing is that I have tremendous empathy for others. Maybe it’s being a writer, but even when I’m in conflict with someone, I grasp their side of things and the ways in which they are hurting and I want to help. On the whole, I’m glad this is who I am.

The challenge, however, is that I rarely stop to ask myself what I want or to have empathy for my own fear or hurt.

Example: I can’t imagine being as impatient or verbally abusive with someone else who was learning to do something new or trying to do something that was difficult for them as I am with myself in those kinds of situations.

In any situation, I tend to focus on what I think I should have, do or be and rarely ask myself what I WANT.

Part of it, of course, is that I grew up in a family that said what I wanted didn’t matter. And part of it is that I grew up in a family with distorted ideas of what was right and wrong and I’ve spent most of my life wanting to make sure I became a far better person than that. And part of it, I suspect, is this cultural notion that we have to earn the right to be happy.

And yet....and yet I know that we become the best person we can be, discover the most creative solutions to problems, and are at our most resilient when we embrace joy in our lives.

I do that on a conscious level all the time. The challenge is to look at the unconscious times I treat myself as if the opposite were true. The challenge is to realize what I haven’t even noticed I’ve been doing to myself.

Which isn’t easy. It takes something external (usually) to get us to notice what we don’t notice. And of course our conditioning and natural impulse is to get angry that this external thing happened—missing the possible ways it’s a blessing in disguise.

My life is good. It’s getting better. I’m seeing new ways to do things, new ways to see myself. Sometimes that takes a lot of time and energy—as it has since my last post.

Here’s wishing for all of you ways to love yourselves more and bring more joy into your lives. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist

Growing Pains

It’s not easy growing—no matter what age we may be.

The past couple of weeks have given me essentially nonstop opportunities to grow. I say that with a wry smile.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m grateful for those opportunities! It’s just...growing isn’t always easy, hence the title of this blog post—growing pains.

I found myself coming up against fears I had about myself and how I interact with others, fears about matters that are important to me, and questions about what direction I want to take in certain areas of my life. And it was a profound gift because as I so often say: It’s the assumptions (and fears) we don’t even know we have that trip us up the most.

One of the easier opportunities to grow came with an exercise in a workshop I was taking. We were asked by Gary Simmons to think of an experience that left us unhappy. (He suggested a “light” memory.) He asked us to think about what happened and how we felt about it. Then he had us ask ourselves a very profound question: What inner resource, if we had had it, would have made the experience something we would not feel bad about?

That’s an exercise that’s still resonating with me today. It’s deceptively simple and profoundly powerful.

(Mind you, me being me, I couldn’t resist commenting that at the same time we recognize what it would have meant if we had had that inner resource, it’s equally important to be able to say to ourselves that it is understandable that we did not have—or perhaps even could not possibly have had—that inner resource available at the time.)

I repeat: It’s deceptively simple and profoundly powerful. It’s going to take me time to fully internalize, grasp (grok if you will) this concept. But already I begin to feel the change in me EVEN THOUGH in some ways it’s not that different from things I’ve said to people in the past about life experiences.

The interesting thing about the past few weeks is that through all of it, the actual experiences were positive. Every difficulty arose out of my own fears, my own self-doubts, my own mistaken beliefs and assumptions.

That’s also a very powerful lesson to learn. Because now I can combine those two powerful lessons. In any challenging situation, I now stop and ask myself: How would I handle this if I wasn’t afraid and if I had complete faith in my own self-worth?

The answers are illuminating and I find myself handling things in ways that are different—and far more effective!—than I would have if I hadn’t asked myself that question.

Every experience gives us the opportunity to learn. Every experience gives us the opportunity to move forward in some way and make our lives better and happier than they were before.

Here’s hoping you are each having your own epiphanies and discovering the questions that are most powerful for YOU to ask yourselves.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Love

“I love you,
Not only for what you are
But for what I am
When I am with you.”

That’s how a poem by Roy Croft begins. And I love that poem because to me it has always represented the best of what love and good relationships can do for us.

When we are with the right person or group, we become better, healthier, kinder, and wiser than we would be alone. We see the best potential in each other—and help it to manifest. We encourage each other to do things that help us grow and are good—for us and for the world. We are a haven of safety for each other.

If we like who we are when we are with someone, that’s a good sign. If we come away ashamed or wishing we hadn’t said or done the things we did, that’s not such a good sign. Then it’s time to look at both the relationship AND the emotions and beliefs it generates in us.

If we didn’t like what happened because the other person encouraged us to do that which is in conflict with our deepest values then it’s time to a) run the other way and b) look at ourselves to see what within us would let us accept a relationship with someone like that.

If the other person acts in ways consistent with our highest values but we don’t like how we acted/reacted then it’s time to look within to see what fears were being triggered and what it tells us about our own sense of self-worth. This may or may not be a good person to continue to have in our lives.

The ideal is a person who acts in ways consistent with our highest values, who encourages us to do so as well, and who treats us with kindness and respect. These are the people to truly cherish for however long they choose to be part of our lives! Even if at some point they leave, they will have enriched our lives in ways we can never repay—except to hope that we were able to do the same for them for as long as we knew them.

Relationships don’t always last forever. Sometimes they end with love on both sides and sometimes they end badly. However they end, we can choose to remember what was good and be grateful for it. The challenge is to go forward trusting that others as wonderful as this person—or perhaps even better—will come into our lives again, though perhaps in a very different form.

I believe in love. I believe that even those of us hurt the most deeply have the capacity to love AND TO LEARN TO LOVE OURSELVES.

That’s the hard one, isn’t it—to love ourselves? Our culture seems to encourage us to believe that our self-worth comes from how others see us. The truth is that no one can love us enough if we don’t love ourselves first. No relationship will be enough if we don’t value who we are.

What if we all loved ourselves and KNEW we were worth loving? What if we all could easily tell anyone who asked what our strengths were and what we liked about ourselves? What if we could see that anything anyone said that was hurtful was a reflection only of the hurt or need within themselves—that even if we made mistakes we are not a mistake? What if we could know that we could be the very best we want to be—IF we find a way to love ourselves?

Each of us is worth loving. Each of us has the ability to choose how we will live our lives. Each of us deserves to surround ourselves with people we love not only for who they are but for who we are when we are with them.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

Quirky Meme

I’ve been tagged by both Jumping in Puddles and Rising Rainbow with a virus. It’s a meme that says I’m supposed to post 6 little known or secret or quirky things about myself and to link to the person who infected me (see above).

1) To get to sleep I sometimes have to keep telling myself: all is well, all is unfolding as it should

2) When I’m deep in writing a book, I NEED chocolate (dark) and coffee.

3) My arms are so long that even tall sizes don’t always fit—which is one reason I took up knitting and sewing.

4) When I’m nervous I talk very fast.

5) At times in my adult life I’ve: slept with stuffed animals and carried polished stones in my purse and I still often wear butterfly jewelry that to me signifies strength and hope and successful change.

6) Playing spider solitaire on the computer or do Suduko on paper often helps when I’m upset or stuck on how to handle a problem.

I know I’m supposed to tag 6 people but that’s outside my comfort zone so I’ll just invite everyone who wants to play—or just ask and I’ll “officially” tag you!

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Fear and Self-Sabotage

It’s been another busy week. Nothing quite as exciting as last week but a time when I’ve been...observing...my own reaction as I’ve dealt with things.

One of the things I found myself thinking about this week was fear—and what it costs us.

When I look back over my life, every act of self-sabotage happened because of fear. Even now, every time I’m afraid, I’m in danger of acting in ways that will create the circumstances of which I’m most afraid. (Example: If I’m afraid of going to the dentist, I may put it off until problems become serious and because I’m afraid, there will be more adrenaline in my system which will push out the Novocain faster so I am more likely to find the work painful.)(Example: If I’m afraid of being abandoned by someone, I’m likely to keep pressing for reassurance whereas if I can let go then I can just enjoy the relationship I have with that person and it’s more likely to work out in positive ways.)

The paradox is that the optimal strategy is to say to myself: Okay, I’m scared BUT AS AN EXPERIMENT I’m going to let go and trust that everything will all work out.

This isn’t how most of us were raised. This isn’t the strategy most of us developed to cope with abuse as a child. If I try to think too hard about it, I start wondering if I’m out of my freaking mind to think this could work. And yet....

And yet, by observation I know that it does work for me. I do have more time and energy for things I want to do. Things do tend to work out and I am far less likely to sabotage myself in any way. And even when the worst case scenario plays out, because I’m more relaxed I’m much more likely to think of things I wouldn’t if I was still scared.

It works, too, in dealing with friends and family members who tend to get caught up in their own personal dramas. (I used to get sucked in ALL the time!) Now, I step back, remind myself that the optimal strategy is to assume it will all work out and then I can be of most help because MY emotions aren’t caught up in the emotions. This means my brain is working more efficiently and I may be able to see clearly: a) options and (more importantly!) b) where my responsibility begins and ends. I can see that I don’t have to solve everyone’s problems and I can step back and let them solve their own—perhaps offering some suggestions but without any “investment” in whether the person uses my suggestions or not.

The good thing about this strategy is that I don’t have to put lots of time and energy into figuring out the “whys.” I don’t have to know why I’m afraid. I don’t have to know where that fear began. I don’t have to repress that fear. I can acknowledge it, honor it, and then let it go. I can keep moving forward with whatever I need to do.

Sometimes it’s good to just stop and observe how we act and react and consciously choose which strategies we want to keep and which we want to change. There’s power and comfort in knowing we have choices.

Wishing for all of you lots of empowering choices this week!

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Interesting Week

It’s been an...interesting....week. Yes, that’s the word...interesting.

There was the identity theft to deal with. A cancelled credit card, monitoring other accounts, alerting credit bureaus, calls to shut down a fraudulent account elsewhere, calls to get fraudulent charges off the legitimate account.

There was the phone call from my daughter (that woke me up one morning) to say she had hurt her neck and she couldn’t move. (And a day spent helping her and ruling out serious possibilities.)

There was the potential flame war in the online class I’m teaching that had to be put out as soon as it began.

Mind you, there were good things, too. And a choice about where to put my available focus. I say available focus because certain things had to be dealt with. But once they were, I had a choice. I could complain and fuss and keep focusing on how unfortunate these things were and how they were eating up my time OR I could choose to say to myself: Okay, I can handle each of these things. Everything will be okay. Now, what can I do that’s fun now that I have a spare moment?

There is value in running a quick mental check of what it’s useful to do in a given challenging situation. There is even value in considering problems that could arise out of these situations. And then taking steps to deal with the situation and possible future consequences.

There is no value in running scenarios over and over again in our heads and focusing on how horrible they make us feel. There is no value in constantly replaying them—except to notice how well we coped (when we did) and what we might do more effectively next time around.

There is no value in seeing ourselves as victims to whom bad things will continue to happen. There is great power in noting what our strengths were in the situation and building on them. There is even power in noting what was difficult for us and then obtaining information or skills so that next time we might be better prepared.

There is little value in trying to find someone to protect us forever and great value in learning the skills and acquiring the tools we need to protect ourselves.

This past week could have—and in the past might have—felt overwhelming and confirmed in me a sense of victimhood. Instead, it became something that reaffirmed my faith in myself and my ability to cope with life’s challenges.

The scare with my daughter became a chance to spend time together and grow closer.

The situation with identity theft, while not pleasant, ultimately will be a blip in the screen for this month—much less this year or my lifetime.

The potential flame war became a chance to draw the students closer together with a greater appreciation for themselves and what they had to offer each other.

We can’t control what happens to us. We CAN choose, however, how we will respond and where we will put our attention.

There is a certain emotional payoff in being a victim. There is a far greater payoff in seeing ourselves as strong, competent, evolving, resilient individuals.

AND EVERY PERSON READING THIS BLOG SHARES THOSE QUALITIES!

It takes a great deal of strength and courage and resilience to survive abuse. It takes even more to choose to face the past and our fears and shadows and work to heal. The more we see ourselves as having the qualities of strength and resilience and courage and competence, the more likely we are to succeed and the happier the lives will be that we create for ourselves.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Survivor Meme

I’ve been tagged by Kahless at Random Kahlesswith a “Survivor Needs” meme.

Rules:Please link back to the originating meme at Survivors Can Thrive , so people can see its origins, get ideas for their own self-care list, see who’s already been tagged, and maybe we can track how far this meme goes. List 25 needs and 5 wants. Try to restrict your needs list to things that have to do with being a survivor of some sort of abuse, assault, etc. Your list can be anything you want! Use this list to remind yourself to get your needs met this the New Year. Pass on this meme and tag five people to play this meme with you.

25 NEEDS (in no particular order):

1.) sunshine (helps me feel happier)
2.) time alone
3.) time with friends
4.) to be close to my children—if not geographically then emotionally
5.) to be treated with kindness and respect
6.) to have at least one person truly believe in me
7.) to have at least one person truly see and understand what I’ve been through
8.) to have at least one person truly understand how difficult it sometimes is for me to deal with things other people consider so easy to handle
9.) to continue to grow
10.) to have laughter in my life—every day
11.) to write (and give myself the voice I didn't have growing up)
12.) to share my love of writing with others (and know I have something of value to offer)
13.) to have people listen when I say something matters to me
14.) to share in and learn from the wisdom of others
15.) to love wholeheartedly no matter what the other person says or does—and to see the good in them (so that I do not become like my abusers who couldn't love)
16.) to set boundaries and be willing to walk away if the other person will not respect them
17.) to know what I need and honor that—no matter what anyone else thinks I should say or do or feel—and to be willing to say so
18.) to be able to truly honor and respect and believe in myself
19.) good, healthy food
20.) time to honor my spiritual self and my spiritual journey
21.) a spiritual community to be part of
22.) to be financially secure (fear of not being able to take care of my financial needs kept me in situations I should have walked away from much sooner)
23.) to exercise in ways that are fun and keep me in good health
24.) to honor my body and lovingly take care of it including going to the dentist and doctor for regular checkups and care (something that used to be hard for me when I hated it and blamed it for betraying me)
25.) to protect myself even as I open myself to new friendships and put myself out into the world in ways I haven’t done before

5 WANTS

1.) a new book contract
2.) a sheltie or collie puppy
3.) time by the ocean
4.) to see people to treat each other with kindness and respect and understanding
5.) a partner in my life who will love me and treat me with kindness and respect who
6.) to share the things that helped me as I made my healing journey

I can love and respect, someone who would truly enrich my life

The final part of this I’m clueless about. I have no idea who to tag since it seems that everyone I know has already been tagged. Perhaps...

1) Gypsy Heart
2) Lynn
3) Alex Marlin
4) Rebecca
5) Casey
6) anyone reading this who hasn’t already done the meme and would like to do so

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Confessions of a Dental Coward

I had an...interesting...weekend. A back tooth broke on Friday night and it turned out my dentist’s office was closed until Monday. Coward that I am, that gave me 2 days to worry (all right, let’s be honest, panic...) about what it would mean when I did go in. Add to that some difficult personal issues to deal with and...well...let’s just say it wasn’t the best of weekends.

Monday morning I called my dentist’s office bright and early. They told me to come right in and sure enough they told me I would need a crown—my first. I did what any self-respecting coward would—I told the dentist that previous dentists had had trouble numbing my teeth and that I was just warning him that I was a terrible coward when it came to dental work. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t pooh, pooh my concerns. He quite seriously assured me that he would make sure the tooth was numb, would stop at any moment if I was in pain, and that it would be okay.

He was as good as his word. Mind you, I’m not thrilled at how much dental work costs. I’m not thrilled I needed the dental work at all. Of course it helped that I did deep, calming breathing as I waited and soothing images while he worked but....still. I am profoundly grateful he listened and was so respectful of my concerns. And that’s why I’m sharing this story.

Lots of people are cowards when it comes to dental work. For survivors of abuse, there’s something more at work, though I’ve never been able to properly explain—even to myself—what that is. I do know that I’ve had times in my life when it was impossible to get myself to go to the dentist at all.

I tell this story because I think it’s important. I think we’re often afraid to tell people we’re scared. It feels like it makes us too vulnerable. And I’m not suggesting telling everyone we meet what our vulnerabilities might be! What I am suggesting is that we are not always powerless. We can tell doctors and dentists if we feel scared. If they are not respectful about how hard the experience is for us, we can look for other doctors and dentists.

In my life, I have been impressed with how often people have reacted with kindness and understanding when I have shared a vulnerability. I hope it gives hope and encouragement to others to know this because we all have to deal with doctors and dentists—at least sometimes.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

No Words

It’s been a while since I posted. For the last few days the words just weren’t there—which is a strange and scary feeling for a writer!

Part of it is that my online writing class started (the one I’m teaching) and there were some glitches that took a lot of energy and email and even some phone calls to straighten out. I also found that I needed to revise my planned lessons as I got a feel for the composition of the group.

Part of it is also that I find myself in a time of growth and that in itself can be tiring. Not a bad thing, just means I need more rest as I process this new sense of self.

I remember when I first was working with the counselor who I believe saved my life—both literally and figuratively. I must have indicated I wanted all this “stuff” over with in a short period of time because he commented that I was on a lifelong journey of growth. I have to say that really freaked me out. No way did I want to feel like THAT forever!

Now, in retrospect, I can see that a) he was right and b) it isn’t scary, it’s exciting. (Even at the time I was pretty sure that if he said it, it was true—I just didn’t want to believe it!)

Now I see that this lifelong journey is a good thing. I DON’T feel awful, the way I did at that stage of growth. Now I smile as I realize I’m going through a growing phase. I look forward with anticipation to the new good things it will bring into my life. It’s just a bit tiring, too, and I sometimes need to remind myself of that wonderful (and so true!) saying: The middle of change often looks like chaos.

I hope that each of you are finding moments of joy in the midst of your journeys of growth. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Pragmatic Optimism

I’m a pragmatist. My training and degrees are in mathematics. Bottom line for me is: Does this work?

I spent much of my life a pessimist—sure life sucked and always would for me. And it did. I worked on healing and was in intense pain while I did so. Life was scary and I hated myself and my relationships were not healthy.

It’s only in retrospect that I realized there was a whole other—and far easier and better—way to do things. That’s when I deliberately became an optimist. Now the healing that hadn’t been working started to work. Now my life began getting better. Now I found myself—finally!—moving forward. I actually began making real, concrete changes in my life that worked. I actually stopped being afraid. My life actually got good.

So I’m trying to look back and take apart what happened and describe it here.

1) I realized that I couldn’t force myself to do anything. I didn’t work that way. I had to WANT to do it and believe that I could. Which meant I needed to....

2) Work on believing in myself. That’s when I began making lists of successes in my life and what I was good at. Reasons to believe I could and would succeed. Which meant...

3) When there was something I needed to face or a change I needed to make, I looked at possible ways to do it and asked myself: Which step uses my strengths and talents? Which one feels like something I can do? That doesn’t mean the step was easy or fun, it means I chose the one that was EASIEST of possibly a bunch of difficult steps. And to motivate myself...

4) I knew that browbeating myself didn’t work. What would? Creating some kind of reward for myself each time I did something difficult. Example: When I went to see my therapist, on the way home—EVERY TIME—I would do something that made me smile—no matter how crappy I felt. I did that because otherwise I would never have kept going. Therapy was just too damn scary and hard if I didn’t build in some kind of reward. (And oh, yeah, as I’d get to the office, before I walked in, I’d take a deep breath and go over my list of reasons to believe I could succeed.) Even that wouldn’t have been enough if I didn’t.....

5) Visualize. I would imagine succeeding. I would imagine being free of the pain. I would imagine believing in myself. I would imagine standing up to the things that scared me. I would imagine being happy. And that helped give me the courage to go on. The funny thing is....

6) The more I did this—choosing to be an optimist, choosing to believe I could succeed, choosing to build in rewards—the easier things did get and the more progress I made. I actually began to be happy. First in short moments, then in minutes, hours, and finally days. Now, when faced with anything I don’t want to do I....

7) Imagine succeeding. Break it down into steps and ask myself which I can picture myself doing with the least resistance. Figure out how to make it fun OR how to build in some kind of reward. I focus on the good that could come out of the situation—no matter how awful it seems in that moment. And I do that because....

8) I’m a pragmatist. Of all the things I’ve tried, optimism is the only thing that ever worked. And I’ve faced awful things in my life. So terrible that I sometimes feel like: How can I be me when this happened to me? But I am. Because looking back, even in the depths of my pessimism, there was a part of me just too blasted stubborn to give up. There was a part of me determined to find a way to succeed—if only so I could thumb my nose at those who told me I never would.

The process of recovering from abuse will never be easy. I knew that early on. But I decided one day that just because other people had hurt me it didn’t mean I had to keep hurting myself. I decided that I didn’t give a damn what other people thought I should do or changes they thought I should make. I was going to heal MY way—which meant finding the least painful route through the process. I was going to believe I was going to be able to heal—no matter what anyone else believed, therapist or not. I was going to build rewards into every darned painful step of the way—so that I wouldn’t be tempted to stop because THAT would have been easier in the short run. I decided to focus on where I wanted to be with my life so that short term temporary satisfaction wouldn’t tempt me to give up on the steps I needed to take to get to where I wanted to be.

I couldn’t have made it, wouldn’t have made it without cold-bloodedly choosing to be an optimist. I’d have ended up dead—by my own hand. I say that bluntly with absolute certainty. What saved me was each time refusing to think of how and instead making lists of reasons not to. I look back and know how close I came—over and over and over again.

I’d still be stuck in the middle of the nightmare of what was once my life if I hadn’t found a way to build rewards into the process of growing and healing. I wouldn’t be where I am—happy NOW—if I hadn’t made a deliberate decision to find someway, no matter how hard it was, to find a reason to laugh at least 3 times a day, every day, no matter what was happening—and the worse the day, the more important it was to do this.

I hope this clarifies somewhat the things I was trying to say in my last couple of posts.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Changes the Easy Way

Karma asked a good question that made me realize my last post was incomplete. I said we did best when we chose the path that was easiest. I left out one very important aspect to that advice!

Step 1: Decide changes we’d like to make in our lives.

Step 2: Look at possible steps to take that would help us move closer to where we want to be with those changes.

Step 3: Of the possible steps, choose the one that feels easiest, that feels like it might even be fun, the one that feels like something we can do.

Step 4: Take the action(s) we chose in Step 3.

It’s natural to want to be safe if there was ever a time in our lives when we really, really weren’t safe. We may find that it’s at the top of our list of priorities! And it is something very wonderful and something to be profoundly grateful for when we achieve it.

The challenge is that safety is often in direct conflict (or feels as if it is) with other goals we have. So the trick is to find a way to move forward that doesn’t require giving up safety all at once as we reach for our other goals.

One can’t be laughing and happy and having fun and be scared at the same time. That’s one reason finding steps toward our goals that incorporate fun can let us bring safety along even as we move in the direction we want to take. And as we succeed with those first steps, we are likely to feel stronger and more self-confident and taking the next few steps may feel like something we can do—even if they didn’t before.

If we are passionate about what we are doing, odds are that things which would otherwise scare us don’t—because we’re so focused on what we want to accomplish.

If we like the people we’re with when we’re doing something, it makes it easier to do new things—knowing they will support us. (If they won’t and what we want to do is important to us, it may be time to look for new friends!)

What I’m saying is that I know the desire to be safe. It’s one of my top priorities—even if I sometimes wish I could move it lower down on the list. The good news is that from my own experience I know there are ways to achieve those other goals without giving up safety. Not by attacking them head on doing the scariest thing first—at least not for me. That wouldn’t work—not for me. But by finding a path that is increasingly fun and involves something I care passionately about, it’s as if I bring my safety with me and I can move forward in ways I might once have thought were impossible.

Wishing for each of you paths of joy that lead you forward into the lives you want to have. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),

April_optimist

Christmas to New Year's Day

The week between Christmas and New Year’s Day is always a time of quiet and reflection for me. The shopping and baking and decorating are all done and I can relax and enjoy what feels like a moment suspended in time.

I like to look back. Once upon a time, it was looking back in frustration and anger at myself that I hadn’t done things I thought I should have gotten done. These days, I look back remembering the moments of joy, celebrating how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown—and the possibilities ahead of me.

These days I’m at peace knowing that if I listen to my heart and that intangible SOMETHING that seems to guide me, then I know all will be well. I’m at peace, able to know from (hard won) experience that no matter what things look like in a given moment, something good can come of it—and is most likely to do so if I cherish who I am and believe in myself and just relax into whatever the challenge may be.

I know that sounds odd. We’re taught—most of us—that things are supposed to be difficult, we’re supposed to strain ourselves to achieve success, and that if we don’t chastise ourselves for every perceived failing, we’ll never get anywhere! (And if you read here, you may well have also been taught that YOU couldn’t possibly do it anyway!)

What I have discovered is that the opposite is true. I’ve discovered—and thank God I have!—that the path that feels easiest, the one we’re most drawn to, is likely to be the best. When we are happiest and most relaxed is when we are most likely to be able to think of things that will actually work! When we believe in ourselves, accept who we are and work with our natural strengths and accept and allow for the weaknesses as part of who we are, that’s when we are most likely to succeed.

Note: When I say take the easiest path, I do NOT mean doing nothing! That may seem like the easiest path but in the long run costs us the most. Instead, I mean asking ourselves: If I took a step, an action, made a choice, what would be the easiest and feel the most natural and right for ME? Never mind what anyone else would do or what would be right for them—what’s right for ME?

As you look back, what are the moments from this past year that make you smile? How can you create more of those experiences in your life in the coming year?

When you look ahead, what are the possibilities that make you smile? Hold those images as vividly as you can in your mind for that’s what will motivate you to take the steps to make it happen.

All of you are a blessing in my life. One of the things that makes ME smile is the possibility that maybe, just maybe someone’s life will be easier or happier or the person will believe in him or herself just a little more because of something I’ve written.

I hope the year ahead brings all of you so very much health, happiness, and success at whatever you want most! Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Christmas--Both Merry and Otherwise

Christmas is a complicated time for many. It is for me. My father died on Christmas Eve. Given the intensity of my feelings—both positive and negative—that cannot help but impact how I feel at this time of year.

The funny thing is that I always forget. I wake up on Christmas Eve depressed and grouchy and at first I always wonder why. Then I remember. And realize how it’s affected me for days.

Once I remember, I can make my peace with it. I light candles. I let myself remember the love. I remind myself I have overcome the effects of the damage he did. I let him go with love, honoring what he gave me that was good and wishing he had not been such a damaged, hurting soul himself. I bless his spirit and pray for its healing even as I blow out the candle I lit for him.

And then I go on with Christmas.

This year, I had a quiet Christmas with my daughter and then put her on a plane to see her friends. We are closer now than I would once have believed possible.

Christmas used to be difficult. I would feel as if I was walking on eggshells, sure I would forget something essential, or that a fight would erupt in my home. Then one day I realized I could create new traditions, that I didn’t have to do what everyone—or even anyone—else did. I could choose what was right for me. I could let it be imperfect and know that was still okay. I could take time to remember good moments of the past year and smile. I could count my blessings instead of my fears or sense of lack. I could send ecards (thank heavens for the internet!) to people who were important to me to whom I hadn’t sent physical cards. I could take time for moments that made ME happy—no matter what my family was clamoring for me to do.

I hope that today—and every day—brings you at least moments of peace and joy. And I hope that the year ahead brings all of us health, happiness, and much success.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Ourselves, Version 2.2

Someone asked how one makes changes when one doesn’t know where to start. I have an opinion, of course. I believe the answer is always moving in the direction of smiling more often, having more fun, and feeling genuinely good. Not the momentary good of splurging on something we want or eating some treat. I’m talking about the kind of feeling good that lasts.

It’s taking a good, hard look at ourselves and seeing when have we felt truly good about ourselves—and doing more of it. It’s listening to that inner guidance that says: This is right—no matter what other people believe we should think or say or do.

It’s making changes by making sure we like what we’re doing. Example: If your goal is to get out more, start by asking yourself what you really enjoy doing. If you don’t know, decide to experiment knowing that if some things don’t work out, that’s okay. Set up rewards when you do something that’s hard for you—rather than beating yourself up if you don’t. If your goal is to be more giving, choose ways that will make you feel good—no matter what anyone else does or doesn’t do—rather than because you think it’s a cause you should support. If you’re trying to get yourself to do something you think you need or should do, ask yourself: What might make me WANT to do this? How can I make it fun—or if it can’t be (think going to the dentist), then what could I do afterwards as a reward that would make me smile or laugh?

What does all of this have to do with becoming a better person? Everything! If you stop and think about it, odds are you’ll realize that every time you’ve done (or not done) something you regretted, it was because you were afraid. If you’re smiling, anticipating something good, or laughing, it’s hard to imagine also being afraid. If you KNOW you can create moments of happiness for yourself, then the actions or words of others have much less power to intimidate you and you’re less likely to do or cling to things (or people) that are not healthy for you.

I know that in my own life, the times I’ve made the worst mistakes, taken actions or said things I regret, it was because I was afraid. When I feel safe and happy I don’t do that. I don’t need to. The more I’ve discovered my own strength, the more I’ve found my ability to create happy moments in my life, the easier it is to do new things, to be kind toward others, to love people and—when necessary—to let them go and truly be able to bless them. And the lovely thing I’ve discovered is that as I change what I do, others change how they respond to me. I don’t have to twist myself into a pretzel to be who someone else wants me to be and at the same time I can let them be who they are—which means I’m less likely to trigger the other person’s fears and they can be kinder and more accepting of me. I’m discovering that neither I nor anyone else has to be perfect to be worth knowing and caring about and wanting to have in my life.

It’s a process, of course. One I get better at with practice. And as you can see from my recent blogs, I don’t always succeed—at least not instantly. But I recover more quickly these days.

It’s not how most of us were raised—to look for ways to be happy and appreciate ourselves. We were taught, most of us, to believe that anything worth doing had to be difficult. I believe just the opposite—that the safer and happier we feel, the faster and better we’ll do whatever it is we want and need to do.

Here’s hoping that each of you are able to find lots of reasons to smile this week and to appreciate the best of who you are.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

The Poison Apple of Self-Pity

Rereading my last post I feel the need to reiterate that it wasn’t and isn’t about self-pity. Self-pity is like a poison apple. It may temporarily taste good but it’s still poison.

The reason to look at things like what I wrote about last time is to learn to recognize patterns. OUR patterns. What mistakes are WE making? What could we do differently in the future? What different results do we want next time around?

Example: So much of my unhappiness could have been avoided if I had simply asked people if they had said what my ex claimed. Or if I hadn’t cared what other people were saying. I love what Wayne Dyer says: “What you think of me is none of my business.”

And that’s the key. We need to find a way to value who we are—and if we don’t like something then change it. Then we are not vulnerable to what anyone else says or thinks because we know that no one can be liked or valued by everyone. Ultimately, it’s the only thing that matters. No matter how much someone else likes or approves of us, it won’t be enough if we don’t like ourselves.

Now, I’m starting from a position of belief that every person is worth loving and that finding that ability to love oneself is the best insurance that one will neither abuse anyone else nor tolerate abuse. It is in finding our own strength and value that we find the only emotional anchor that really matters in the long run. A good therapist can help us let go of the lies we were told and see the good in ourselves that we cannot see without that help. And ideally we internalize those things so that we believe them whether or not anyone is around to tell us. (Note: We also are then far more likely to surround ourselves with other people who see the good in us.)

In a way it comes down to results. Do we have a right to feel self-pity? Of course! Will it get us what we want? No, because it makes us hostages to what others do and say. It reinforces our sense of helplessness.

I believe that the only way we find both the courage and wisdom to make changes that will make our life better is when we believe it’s possible. And that means focusing on our strengths and our ability to change what we don’t like. It means being honest with ourselves and if there are skills we need that we don’t have, choosing to acquire those skills—whether it means doing research, taking classes, talking to people who know what we want to learn or ....whatever it takes.

I look at the things I wrote about in my last post and know already things I will do differently should I ever find myself in a similar position in the future. But I don’t think it’s likely to happen because I’m not likely to ever feel trapped or without options. I’ve learned to know myself too well to believe that ever again. I’m too well grounded in liking myself to care whether or not someone else understands or approves of the choices I make or who I am.

Why look at the past at all? To recognize and let go of any lingering lies about myself or the world around me (including friends) that I may not have realized I still held. To notice what my past pattern of handling something was so that I can plan for how I want to handle things differently in the future. (After all, if we keep doing the same thing, odds are we will get the same results and I’m still rewriting my future.)

I can look at the past and look at what has been good and know that those things go on my list of what I’d like to have in my life in the future. I can look at the things that didn’t serve me well and ask myself what would be better.

Here’s hoping that each of you are on your own path to creating the life you want to live. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),

April_optimist

Seeing the World As It Is

For many of us, I think we learned early not to trust our own perceptions. We learned not to notice lies. We learned to believe things were better than they were. Because that’s how you survive in an abusive home when you’re a child. And it’s not always a bad strategy as an adult. When we see the best in others, sometimes that’s what we evoke. But not always...

I suddenly found myself remembering this week times my ex-husband may have lied to me. Times I ignored what would have been red flags to someone else. ("If I were unfaithful would you want me to tell you?") I found myself remembering what (acccording to him) other people supposedly said about me—and that I didn’t have the courage at the time to ask them if it was true. (A friend supposedly upset with me that I was getting divorced. My therapist supposedly agreeing I’d make a really, really good liar—and maybe I was one. Another friend supposedly disparaging my writing. My in-laws supposedly worried about my mental health.) And so it went. For years. Only a chance comment to a friend this last visit back east to see my son made me realize he hadn’t simply misunderstood what she’d said, he’d outright lied about speaking to her at all the day he claimed what he claimed.

I recount all this not to bash my ex. Or to suggest that it’s good to hold onto old grievances. Not at all. What I am suggesting is that not seeing the world as it is can sometimes hold us back from making changes that would improve our lives and that believing lies and being afraid to challenge them can keep us trapped and isolated—usually because those lies in some way resonate with our own fears. As always--it is the assumptions we do not think to challenge that trip us up!

So once again it’s a question of balance. I believe it’s good to recognize that there are wonderful people in the world and at the same time learn to recognize that some are not. It’s good to pay attention to the signals we’ve been trained to ignore so that we recognize when someone isn’t trustworthy. It’s good to recognize and let go of our dependence on the opinions of others and belief in lies we’ve been told—especially lies told to us by abusive people in our lives.

Looking back, I know that what stopped me from challenging the things my ex said was the fear that if I did so and they were true, I might have to walk away from people who were important to me. As long as I didn't ask, these things I was so afraid were true might not be.

How do we get past this kind of fear? By expanding the circle of people we know. By risking making new friends and new connections. By discovering that we are both strong enough to manage on our own and that we are also people others might want to know.

It’s all part of this journey we’re on.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Meme

I’ve been tagged and so I’ve been having fun answering the following questions:

A ~ Available? Yes
B ~ Best friend: really tough to choose and don’t want to hurt any feelings
C ~ Cake or pie? Pie.
D ~ Drink of choice: coffee
E ~ Essential thing used every day: toothbrush
F ~ Favorite color: teal
G ~ Gummi bears or worms? bears
H ~ Hometown: Buffalo, NY
I ~ Indulgence: Chocolate (or is that a necessity?)
J ~ January or February? Hmmm. Tough one. January for new beginnings but February for rare lovely warm days.
K ~ Kids and names: Not sure what this is supposed to be. My kids? I don’t name them on my blog.
L ~ Life is incomplete without: good friends
M ~ Marriage date: 1974
N ~ Number of siblings: 2
O ~ Oranges or apples? Depends on the season but I suppose apples have a slight edge
P ~ Phobias/fears: heights
Q ~ Favorite quote: "The past does not equal the future.”—Anthony Robbins
R ~ Reason to smile: sunny days, good friends, my children, funny movies, chocolate, kindness
S ~ Season: spring
T ~ Tag three people: I like these things but a lot of people don’t so I don’t like to tag them.
U ~ Unknown fact about me: I like country music for the stories the songs tell and the inherent optimism in so many of them. (examples: I Hope You Dance, Unanswered Prayers)
V ~ Vegetable you don't like: brussel sprouts
W ~ Worst habit: staying up too late
X ~ X-rays you've had: shoulder, mammograms, dental
Y ~ Your favorite food: chocolate
Z ~ Zodiac: Virgo

Meanwhile....

I’ve put up my (artificial) Christmas tree. Haven’t decorated it but will do that a little at a time, smiling as it takes on a festive look. I like creating new traditions for myself and letting go of old associations with this time of year.

I’ve stocked environmental “logs” for my fireplace for the colder weather we’re supposed to have in a few days.

I’m still...processing my visit to see my son and all the emotions tied to that. I know some of my fears for my son are tied to some of my own experiences as a child. I know that some of my fears are due to hurting as I see his opportunities diminishing. I know that I need to balance what I think I’m supposed to be able to do with reality. I know that maybe what’s needed is to think so completely out of the box that I think of possibilities I (and others) never have before.

I believe deeply that in every challenge is inherently an opportunity or blessing as well and so I am asking myself that most powerful of questions: What good could come out of this?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Home Again

I’m home again. Literally and emotionally. And yet echoes of my trip back east remain. How much of one’s life does one give up to try to save another? What if it is one’s adult child? How does one know when changing what is can’t be done? How does one sort out emotional blackmail from real probabilities? How does one make peace with what may have to be?

On the plus side: This time I could say “no” to the convoluted schemes. This time I could refuse the emotional blackmail. This time I could see things I hadn’t grasped before. With and about my ex-husband. But...the questions about my son are still there. The issues are still real. The grief is still raw.

Life doesn’t always come with simple answers. Despite my optimism I know that all too well. My own life is the only life I really have any control over. I know that too. And yet...and yet there is a part of me that wants to heal other’s hurts—even when it’s someone who has hurt me. Even when I know that the odds are I won’t be able to help someone see how they are hurting themselves. There is grief in having to let go and fear in letting go that one is letting go too soon—that if one were just clever enough, just had a little more patience, just loved a little more unconditionally the person could find their way.

But then that’s how we grew up, isn’t it? Trying to fix the hurts and pain so that our parents could stop hurting us.

So the question becomes: Is this the same kind of tilting at windmills or is there really hope of getting my son to change his behavior? And how far do I go trying to make it happen? What will happen if I can’t? How much of my ex’s dire predictions are true and how much an attempt to manipulate me?

As I said, difficult questions and emotions.

Here’s hoping all of you are having easier weeks than this one was for me. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist

Quick Note

Just a quick note to let all of you know I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth!

I’m visiting my son who has down syndrome and lives with my ex-husband. It’s been an....interesting...visit. Yes, that’s the word. Let’s call it interesting. Better than some alternatives I might choose. It’s a short visit but no visit that involves interacting with my ex-husband is ever simple. There is always miscommunication, differing expectations, and echoes of regret that things are the way they are. Even so, this has been one for the record books.

Still, I got to see two friends, one of whom is recovering from advanced breast cancer. It looks as if, against all odds, she’s beaten it. And that’s a reason to celebrate.

I no longer live with chaos every day. That’s a reason to celebrate.

Every miscommunication is getting resolved. That’s a reason to celebrate.

I’m seeing my son. That’s a reason to celebrate.

Each time I visit, I process another level of emotions about my marriage and that’s a reason to celebrate.

I’m able to step back, watch old fears surface and let them go or see the situations in new ways. I’m able to shake my head at the scared, unhappy person I used to be and see how much I’ve changed. And that’s a reason to celebrate.

Right before I came here, a friend emailed me a prayer I love and that I must admit I’ve repeated to myself frequently on this trip. It goes something like this: God protect me from all harm, seen and unseen, and let me do no harm to anyone including myself. (I’m paraphrasing the actual prayer because this is the form that resonates most with me.) And that’s a reason to celebrate.

This isn’t an easy visit. It’s one of the hardest in some time. And things don’t look as if they are going to get simple any time soon. And yet...I’m able to step back and let it unfold as it will. I’m able to trust that I can and will handle whatever the outcome of the latest chaos will be and that good will come out of it. And that’s a reason to celebrate.

I hope that all of you are okay and I apologize for all the blogs I haven’t had a chance to read or respond to right now. Know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist

Post Thanksgiving

As I think about this year’s Thanksgiving, I’m struck by how much has changed for me. I found myself thinking about the steps it took to get to this point in my life and how scary those steps were to take. Each one seemed terrifying at the time. But each one led to greater things than I could have imagined. Ten, fifteen years ago, I couldn’t have imagined my life looking the way it does now or feeling the way I feel now. I sure as heck couldn’t have seen any possible way to get to this point.

And that’s encouraging. When I look at current challenges in my life, I can remind myself how far I’ve come and that I will find a way to deal with these challenges and that the outcomes are likely to be better than anything I could imagine.

Oh, I still have moments of panic, but they don’t last long these days. And I see more to be happy about than not.

One of the turning points, I think, has been going from seeing myself as a victim of the actions and needs of others and of fate/circumstance/etc. to someone who chooses how to live her life. It was going from feeling helpless to seeing myself as always having choices and ultimate responsibility for my life. Once I could believe that I could manage all on my own, possibilities became visible that I literally hadn’t seen before.

And that’s why the abusers in my life worked so hard to make me believe I was crazy and/or wouldn’t ever be able to manage on my own. Because on some level they knew that once I realized these things were a lie, they would have no more hold over me. I might tell—and others might believe me. I might leave.

When we understand that we can be happy on our own. When we understand that if we lose one person in our life we can find others to take that person’s place. Then we are no longer hostage to anyone—intentionally abusive or not. Then we can set boundaries. We can walk away from situations and people that are harmful to our physical and/or emotional health. We will see ways to create the lives we want to have. Maybe, in some cases, we can rewrite relationships so that we DON’T lose the person in our life who is important to us.

Dr. Phil likes to say that we (adults) teach people how to treat us. We teach them whether we will stand up for ourselves or whether we will do anything to hold onto them. We teach them whether we will tolerate their abuse and/or crazy ideas or whether we will say “no” and leave if it doesn’t stop. We teach people whether we believe we should be treated with kindness and respect or whether we think those are things we don’t deserve.

We get to choose. And as scary as that can sometimes be, it’s good, too. It’s the most empowering thing in the world to discover that we can change how things are by changing the choices we make and how we see the world and people around us. When we go from seeing ourselves as victims to seeing ourselves as incredibly strong and resilient and resourceful individuals—which we were to survive the abuse—then we open up whole new possibilities for ourselves.

How will you see yourself differently this week? What changes will that create in your life?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Gratitude and Survivors

I was going to write a traditional post about being thankful. I may still get around to it but...

Recently I spoke with my ex-husband and it reminded me of one of the things I do worry about with gratitude. If one only looks at the rosy side of a situation, one may not recognize things that need to change and/or leave a situation that isn’t healthy. I know that I stayed too long in my marriage hoping and telling myself I could find a way to fix it. There are occasional moments, even now, when I wonder if anything could have been done so that it could have worked out. (And then I get calls like the latest one from my ex-husband and I’m profoundly grateful again that I’m not still stuck in that situation anymore and dealing with chaos and emotional blackmail on a daily basis.)

I think it’s good to count our blessings. I think that if a relationship is in trouble, the only chance it has to work out is to begin by recognizing what’s good about it. I also worry sometimes that we survivors can be too loyal sometimes. We may stay in a situation or relationship even when it’s hurting us physically and/or emotionally and can’t be fixed.

My ex isn’t a bad person. There’s much to admire about him, especially in terms of the kind of person he wants to be. That doesn’t mean there isn’t distorted thinking, however. That doesn’t mean he sees himself or anyone else clearly. That doesn’t mean he was right for me.

So I’m torn when it comes to gratitude. All sorts of studies show the benefits of being able to see and cherish the good in one’s life. At the very least it helps us recognize that we can have good things in our lives, that it isn’t always all bad.

At the same time, I don’t want it to blind us to the need to make changes sometimes if we want our lives to get better. Discontent can sometimes be a gift.

So this week I’ve been grappling with the issue of how to balance profound gratitude for all that is good in my life and still seeing ways I might want to make it better. I’m grappling with how self-acceptance is the precursor to self-change. I’m grappling with the joy of all the good things I now have in my life and needing to make changes if I want to have more. I’ve even signed up for a 21 days to gratitude (free) program at this website: 21 Days of Gratitude

I’ll be curious to know how all of you feel about gratitude.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist

Voices

I’ve been doing a lot of coaching lately and it’s reminded me that no matter who I’m coaching about what kind of writing, what matters is the other person’s voice, the other person’s story.

My job isn’t to tell someone how I would write it better, it’s to help the other person see a way to write the best way they can,the particular story THEY have to tell, with their strongest, most unique voice.

And I find myself thinking how important it is that we each find our own voices. That we each find a way to say the things we need to say—whether to others or to ourselves.

I find myself thinking of my friend who stood up to her brother, the first time anyone in her family has. And I know that even though her siblings and her mother have turned on her, the nieces and nephews in that family are watching and seeing that it’s possible to say: No! This isn’t right! And they are seeing that it’s possible to take action.

We are shaped by what we say and what we hear, by the pictures we paint and the ones we see, by the things we feel or cause others to feel, by the ideas we think and when we help others to think in new ways. We shape ourselves and have a chance to shape the world in which we live by finding our “voices”—whether those voices are actual voices or written or painted or shaped into physical objects.

When the internet was first created people said it would isolate individuals, divide us, and stifle us. Instead, the internet has helped so many of us find new friends all around the world, create or join communities of people who share our ideas or passions or talents or joy or pain. It has given many of us access to resources we might otherwise never have known about. Sometimes it has given some of us the courage to make changes in our lives.

I believe in the power of voices. I believe in the power of one person to create profound change in the world. I believe with Marianne Williamson that we are not meant to hide our light under a bushel but rather to let it shine for all the world to see.

Here’s hoping that each of you finds or has found and celebrates YOUR unique voice. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

New Experiences

You may (or may not) be wondering why I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been having a series of new experiences over the past week. Good experiences, for the most part, but definitely pulling me out of my comfort zone.

This is a good thing. And it’s been extremely uncomfortable at times. But the most interesting part of this, aside from the fact that I’ve gained useful experience, is that I’m finding myself thinking “out of the box” in areas completely unrelated to what I’ve been doing.

This is the advantage of doing things we’re not comfortable doing. Our comfort zone expands and we create new possibilities for ourselves in ways we can’t even predict.

Here’s hoping all of you have some lovely new experiences this week. I’ve to run because my daughter is coming over for assistance with some essays she needs to write.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Hardwired for Optimism Except....

I came across an article the other day that talks about how human beings are apparently hardwired for optimism. Humans Hardwired for Optimism

As I read the article, I found myself thinking: Yes, but what about people who are abused, especially if they are abused as children?

And then I read Dr. Vitelli’s post about wild children at Wild Children and I found myself putting them together.

I found myself thinking that perhaps abuse is one of the things that can short-circuit the hardwiring for optimism. Perhaps abuse causes a break in the pattern so that the expectation of things going wrong replaces the expectation that things will go right. (And studies show this does happen. The most recent one says that events such as trauma, loss of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job, or a serious betrayal makes people less happy on a long term basis.) The result is individuals who may be afraid to take risks or do things their peers don’t hesitate to do—because those who were abused KNOW that things could go wrong.

So what does this have to do with wild children? Well, Dr. Vitelli cites research that seems to indicate there are critical periods that if missed mean a child cannot become socialized. I found myself wondering if perhaps something similar occurs when a child is subjected to abuse. There may be a similar effect to a lesser degree. But I also found myself wondering if it’s a critical period for acquiring the skill or a critical period for having sufficient motivation to be willing to learn the social skills.

This is a key distinction because if it is motivation then it might be possible to look at the situation differently and present motivation that would be different from what would work with a non-wild (or non-abused) child. It would mean looking for motivation that would be compelling in a way that would matter or make sense to the wild (or abused) child.

It’s also relevant for those who were abused as children because often social skills are a casualty of the abuse—both because of the abuse itself and because the family in which it occurs is likely to be lacking in coping and/or social skills (otherwise the adult would probably not need to abuse the child and the child would not be isolated and could find someone to tell who would stop the abuse). So many abused children don’t learn necessary skills as they are growing up AND lack the hardwiring optimism that would encourage them to try to learn those skills anyway.

I’ll freely admit that while I now tag myself as April_optimist, for much of my life that would not have been accurate. I thought people were cruel, Iexpected things to go wrong and had a hard time believing they wouldn’t, life was something simply to be endured.

I was just too blasted stubborn to give up.

So what does this all mean? Because you know I’m not going to present what seems like pessimistic information without having a solution! It means that we may need to consciously choose to be optimistic—even when it doesn’t feel natural or we have to work at feeling that way. It means perhaps choosing it as a strategy because studies show that it’s a useful approach to life and increases the odds of success and decreases the odds of depression.

It means choosing to never give up—no matter what the “experts” may say about the odds for a given person. It means we may need to consciously choose to acquire skills we didn’t get as children. And that means being willing to choose to go outside our comfort zones over and over again until we do acquire the social skills we didn’t learn as children.

That’s not easy. (I’ll spare you the descriptions of years of awful stumbles on my part as I learned.) But it can be done. IF we acknowledge that we need to learn these skills and don’t blame ourselves for not having the skills (or inclination) to begin with we can accomplish what seem like miracles.

It absolutely means being willing to stumble and make mistakes. It means finding ways to reward ourselves for trying. (There’s that issue of motivation again!) It means giving ourselves credit for what we do learn to do. It means loving ourselves as we are AND asking more for ourselves than we already have. It means having faith that we can learn the things we didn’t learn before. It means having faith that change is possible and having a clear sense of why we want to make those changes. It means allowing ourselves to feel the pain of what we don’t have so that the work it takes to get to where we want to be will feel worth doing.

Note: I am adamantly opposed to any method that involves purposely causing ourselves pain! I truly believe that is one of the most counterproductive things we can do. I strongly believe that the more we can build rewards and fun into any process of change, the more likely we are to follow through. (Just as I believe the optimal method for grounding ourselves in the present is to find things we are happy about that remind us this is NOW.)

The good news is that with each success—however small—IF we acknowledge that success, we gain motivation to keep going. We get proof that change is possible. We discover that things can be better than they were before. We begin to get addicted to being happy and having fun. We reprogram ourselves so that we regain much of the optimism that is hardwired into humans in the beginning and which got undone by the abuse—or even more recent painful setbacks such as a betrayal or loss of a loved one, etc.

As I said, I’m an example of someone who lacked so many skills and learned them. I’m an example of someone who went from being terrified of life to being optimistic. I’m an example someone who made lots of mistakes along the way. But I got here. I’m proof that it’s possible. And I share all this in hopes that my example will give hope to others that their lives can change for the better too.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Overcoming Fear

Marj at Survivors Can Thrive is hosting a Carnival Against Abuse for October and the topic this month is fear. That’s something everyone is familiar with. It’s what drives all conflict and keeps people from doing the things they want to do. Healthy fear protects us. It keeps us from being reckless. Unhealthy fear stifles us and becomes a prison as real and damaging as any metal bars and concrete buildings could be.

So the question becomes how to deal with fear that works against us. Many of our fears grow out of secret, deeply buried fears and sometimes the best way to go is to face those fears—but not alone. If we do this, we need someone we trust to help us through it. But there is an immense reward for taking that risk and facing those fears. What we run from gains power over us, what we are willing to stand and face often dissipates in the light of day and even when it doesn’t, we’re far better able to cope with it if we face it than if we try to run away.

But that’s the biggie. What about every day fears? On a more mundane level, how do we overcome, get past, get rid of, or otherwise keep fear from disabling us and preventing us from creating the lives we want to have?

You just knew I was going to mention lists, didn’t you? I am because I believe that lists can be concrete talismans that help us cope with fear and self-doubt.

So...here are some useful lists to make and other things to do to overcome fear:

1) Everything you’ve been able to accomplish in your life.

2) All your strengths and capabilities.

3) People you can turn to for support, knowledge, training, protection, etc.

4) 20 things you can do in 2 minutes or less (each). (On a day when you’re feeling scared or overwhelmed, do 3 things from the list right in a row, as fast as you can. You’ll be amazed how much better, stronger, and capable you feel.)

5) Go through your closets, jewelry boxes, etc. Put where you can easily find them those things you have worn when you felt strong, overcame a challenge, etc. (These are positive triggers that can enhance your courage when you need it most simply by wearing them.)

6) If you’re scared, see if you can separate the part of the fear that belongs to the reality of the situation NOW and what belongs to the past. If you can figure out how the situation resonates with the past and recognize that part of the fear, imagine boxing it up and putting it on a shelf in the closet (or in some way separating it from the fear that belongs to NOW).

7) Do what you’re scared of anyway. Often we build up the fear in our own minds but when we do what we’ve been fearing, we realize it wasn’t so hard or scary after all. We discover a new strength, skill, larger comfort zone, etc.

8) For any challenge you are going to undertake, set up a reward for after you’ve done it.

9) Celebrate the courage it takes to do something—even if that thing would be easy for someone else.

10) Visualize yourself successfully accomplishing whatever it is that scares you that you want or need to do.

11) Practice deep, quiet breathing. This is even more powerful if you can hold a peaceful, safe image in your mind as you do it.

12) Collect empowering music. This can be music that evokes a feeling of being strong and capable or it can be music that is so soothing it replaces fear with a feeling of safety and calm.

13) Find an affirmation that works for you. It could be something as simple as: NOW I am safe. It could be something as complex as: I can figure this out and if I can’t there are people who can help me do so. They key is to find something that gives you a feeling of strength and courage.

Gee, can you tell this is something I’ve thought a lot about? Hey, I’m a slow learner! I spent much of my life being terrified of pretty much everything. Didn’t stop me from doing a bunch of stuff but still, it wasn’t a pleasant feeling.

I don't think fear is uncommon for survivors of abuse. After all, if you're in a situation for years, especially growing up, where at any moment, someone might lash out at you or hurt you, it's hard not to be afraid. The good news is that we can undo that conditioning. These days I’m pretty happy and rarely find myself afraid. Thanks to the ideas listed above.

Wishing for all of you that you find what works for you and that you are able to overcome your deepest fears and create the lives you want to have.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),

April_optimist

Feeling Less Worthy...

This week I noticed a feeling I hadn’t realized was still hanging around: that I was less worthy than...everyone else.

I had to stop and track it back to where it began: everyone in the family getting more to eat than me (and being told that’s how it should be), having to wear hand-me-down boy’s things when my brothers (even my younger brother) got things new, hearing for years that if there wasn’t enough money, only my brothers would get to go to college (with the implicit threat that if I didn’t do what I was told, there wouldn’t be), being told to wait on my brothers, being told over and over that their feelings mattered but not that mine ever did, etc.

I suspect, in one form or another, many of you reading this have gone through something similar. In one way or another you were told you didn’t matter as much as others did.

I found myself thinking of it this week talking with my friend whose brother attacked her. She is one of the warmest, nicest, most intelligent women I know and yet she, too, carries that implicit feeling that she’s worth less than other people because that’s what her family drilled into her implicitly and explicitly all her life.

It’s an insidious feeling because it’s often under the surface and we don’t even notice that it’s governing our actions (and reactions). When someone criticizes us—for any reason!—we may hear it as confirmation of what we were told growing up. We may be afraid to stand up for ourselves in relationships because we can’t believe the other person really wants to be with us. We may be afraid to parent with authority because we may think we aren’t good enough to do so. We may be reluctant to trust friendships or even if we do to turn to friends when we could use help or support because on some level we’re afraid that this is going to turn out to be the time they tell us they’re too busy or they get fed up and end the friendship completely.

So many lies grow out of that first one—that we are not as worthy as others. So many consequences. To have the lives we want to have we MUST challenge this belief!

1) We can imagine telling the child we were that those were lies—that he or she mattered and continues to matter as much as anyone else.
2) We can make a list of all the things we like about ourselves.
3) We can make a list of evidence we have that other people do see us as worthy and/or like us and/or value what we say or do.
4) We can practice tolerance toward others who do things we don’t like. Note: I am NOT saying tolerate abuse! It’s good to be able to know when something is abusive and take steps to stop the person or at the very least remove ourselves and those we care about from that person’s vicinity. But I’m talking here about everyday mistakes. I’m talking about people truly meaning well but getting caught up in their own fears or hurt and doing something that in turn hurts us. I’m talking about little day to day forgetfulness or being late or...whatever. Again, we can—and should!—decide to step away when these things become a problem for us. At the same time, IF we can accept others even when they make mistakes, then we will find it easier to accept ourselves when WE make mistakes. We can say that it’s not healthy for us to be around someone AND understand that they are doing the best they can.

To reach a point where we realize we are as worthy of success and happiness as anyone else is one of the most empowering things we can do. And it's a process--it doesn't happen all at once. But it's important that we work on feeling worthy because if we don’t feel that way, we will hold ourselves back, not take chances because our fear of rejection is so strong, and never let ourselves truly enjoy any success or happiness we do achieve. But if we can recognize that we are deserving of love and happiness and success, then we increase to an amazing degree our ability to achieve those things.

All of you out there are worthy of being loved, being happy, having success. All of you are wonderful, amazing people and I’m blessed that you come here to read my blog.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

PS Once again Mother Wintermoon and I seem to be synchronized. Here's her post on self-esteem http://romancingthecrone.wordpress.com/2007/10/16/declaration-of-self-esteem/#comments .

Smiley Face Over the Gas Gauge

I came across this a couple of days ago. Someone posted it on a loop I’m on. It’s from Esther Hicks and Abraham about how pretending to be happy when you’re not is like pasting a smiley face over the gas gauge. You don’t want to do that. You WANT to know if the gas tank is empty. In the same way, we want to know if we’re not happy because that’s how we know we need to DO SOMETHING.

I believe in focusing on what’s good in our lives. I also believe that discontent can be a gift IF we use it to make changes so that our lives become better.

I suppose it’s about balance. It’s about believing our lives can be good and celebrating the blessings in our lives AND recognizing when something needs to change.

It isn’t always easy to make changes. It isn’t always easy to accept that what we hoped for isn’t working out. It isn’t easy to take that leap of faith and let go of what we have not knowing what will replace it.

I’m not suggesting to run every time something goes wrong or to lightly throw away what may just need some renegotiating. What I’m saying is that if we go still and listen, then deep within us we know when it’s time to make a change. Deep within us, we can find answers IF we are doing so from a place of believing that we can and that one way or another, we’ll find a way to make our lives better.

Jumping in Puddles has posted on her blog about getting rid of deadwood and what struck me about her post is her strength and determination to be okay—no matter what.

It seems to me that the only way we get sufficient motivation to do the things that scare the heck out of us is by realizing how unhappy we’ll be if we don’t. The last thing in the world that we need in those moments is a smiley face over the gas gauge!

What’s often difficult is to be at that point where we feel discontent but we haven’t got a clue what we’re supposed to do about it. It can seem easier to cling to the smiley face or to the belief that life always feels this way than to sit with the discomfort and ask what it is we can do to make things better. Because if we don’t see a clear answer, we may believe we’re going to be stuck feeling this way forever and who wants that?

But I believe that if we can sit with the discontent and allow ourselves to acknowledge it AND at the same time trust that there is a way to make things better and that sooner or later we will figure it out then we are far more likely to find solutions.

I believe that each of us has within us the knowledge and the strength to make our lives better and better. I believe life is a process and that our best possible path is to keep growing and changing—and celebrate doing so.

There have been times when I pasted a smiley face over my gas gauge which was reading empty. Maybe that’s all I could do then but...I don’t ever want to take that way out again. Not now that I know how capable I am and that no matter what happens I will be able to come up with solutions to the challenges in my life. I bless the day I ripped the smiley face away.

So, if you’re pasting smiley faces over a gas gauge or two, you may want to ask yourself why and whether there is a way you could be happier and if so what steps you might take to get there.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Clothes

I had an epiphany this week about clothes.

I always knew they were important. I knew we choose clothes to hide or reveal or to create illusions. I knew that often we aren’t even consciously aware of what we’re doing but that if we can become aware, clothes become a powerful tool to help ourselves heal, to protect ourselves, and to create an impact we want to create.

I would have said I understood all about clothes. This week I realized something I hadn’t realized before.

First, a little background. I'd been thinking that I might not need to buy any clothes this winter and that would be a blessing financially. And I was feeling just a little bit rebellious about that idea. Then I looked in my closet this morning and realized that some of the tops I felt so happy about when I bought them I now feel a bit blah about.

And then it hit me: Clothes are about (at least for me) possibilities. New clothes are about new possibilities.

After a while, clothes pick up associations for us. Those associations begin to outweigh the sense of new possibilities. That's why when life feels overwhelming or not good women often go shopping for new clothes. (And if we settle for what we don't really like in clothes then we're saying we'll settle for what we don't really like in life, too, right? If we make something ourselves and we hate how it looks, it feels like we'll hate what we make of our lives as well. If we like what we make, we have more of a sense that we can make what we want of our lives.)

I have a sense that a "cleansing" ritual for clothes I have might be a good thing.

I realize now why it's so important to get rid of clothes I don't like.

I realize why I'm holding onto clothes I've never or rarely worn that I love even though I almost never have a chance to wear them.

I always say that it’s the assumptions/associations we don’t realize we have that trip us up. Now that I’m aware of this connection for myself, I can consciously use it in a way that empowers me. Doesn’t mean I have to go out and buy new clothes. It does mean looking at them in a new way. It means remembering the sense of possibility I had when I acquired them. It means being really careful not to buy something just because it’s on sale but because I love how I feel when I put it on, I love how it looks on me.

Anyway, it may not be relevant to you but I toss my revelation out there just in case it brings some epiphany to you about how you feel about your wardrobe and what clothes mean to YOU.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Follow Up on Abuse

My friend is going to court today, facing her abuser. Her family will be standing with him. So I ask for your prayers that all goes well for her and that some kind of justice is served. Fortunately she has loving support to help her through this.

I understand the dynamics of people who stay in abusive situations. I understand the inability to believe things could be any different or any better. I understand the fear of being alone. And I weep for every person trapped by such fears.

Maybe that’s why I write this blog and give the workshops I do. Because I fiercely want others to know that things can be better. I fiercely want people to know that no matter how scared they are, there are ways to create the lives we want to have.

It doesn’t happen instantly and I’m not saying it’s easy. But it begins with that kernel of hope, that ability to begin to believe that things could be different, they could be better for the individual feeling trapped.

Saw a book the other day. Called The Hell I Can’t by Terry McBride. Now I haven’t read it so I don’t know if it’s any good or not. But I love the title. In a way, that’s been my life. People said I couldn’t do this or that and my instinctive reaction was: The hell I can’t! And I went on to do whatever it was they said I couldn’t do.

When I got counseling, I know the guy I worked with was afraid it couldn’t be done—that what had happened to me was so horrific there was no way to fully recover. Not that I asked. I didn’t want to hear the answer. Because I knew that no matter what he thought, I was darned well going to keep going until I got my life to where I wanted it to be. I knew it was possible to heal and I was going to do it no matter what any expert, no matter how much I trusted the person, said. And fortunately he trusted me enough not to try to impose his beliefs on me.

I don’t know where you are in your healing journey. I don’t know what words I could say that might be of the most help. I only know that I have to try. I have to keep presenting an image of what might be possible so that those who are still trapped in pain or fear might be able to grasp onto hope and find their way out of it.

So please keep my friend in your thoughts and prayers and I will keep all of you in mine.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Doctors

I’ve always known it’s hard for survivors of abuse to see doctors. Some of the exams may throw a survivor into flashbacks of abuse. Just being there is a loss of control and that can feel scary to many survivors. But I had another insight this week....

I had to see the doctor. Nothing wrong, just a regular check up. So why couldn’t I sleep the night before? Why this sense of panic even though I like this doctor? Even after the visit, I couldn’t figure it out though I was of course calmer.

Then it hit me. A flash of memory of picking up on my mother’s fears about what the doctor might find, might notice, might realize when he examined me. The sense of terrible consequences if he did notice something wrong. The pressure to act as if everything was wonderful.

Mind you, things are pretty good now and I am healthy. There isn’t anything to hide. Which is what made the emotions so odd. And what finally made me realize I was having an emotional flashback. Not a memory of the experience but rather feeling the emotions all over again.

I suspect this isn’t uncommon. If we were abused as kids, there would have been adults who were worried about what the doctor might notice or suspect. There would have been pressure to say that everything was wonderful. There might have been threats about what would happen if we didn’t. And we may have emotional flashbacks to those feelings when we have to see a doctor.

I’m not sure why I didn’t make the connection before. Maybe because I don’t go to the doctor all that often. Or maybe because other reasons for the anxiety in the past were more obvious. At any rate, once I recognized the cause, any residual emotional flashback disappeared and I suspect doctor’s visits in the future will be much easier. So I share this with all of you in case any of you might have similar emotional flashbacks when you have to see a doctor.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

PS Motherwintermoon, In her blog posted also about the issue of dealing with health care professionals. http://romancingthecrone.wordpress.com/2007/10/05/systemic-healing/#comments

Enola wrote about it, too. http://enola-survivor.blogspot.com/

Please check out both blogs.

Abuse

A friend of mine was beaten up recently by her brother. And of course her mother and sisters are trying to say it was her fault and it wasn’t so bad. Never mind that he tried to choke her. Never mind that he gave her a black eye and broken ribs. Her family is angry that she caused trouble for her brother.

And it makes me angry. I’m not there. I can’t do anything to help except support her from a distance.

She’s standing her ground. She’s taking the steps she needs to take—both to try to protect her mother and to keep herself safe. Fortunately she has a husband and children who love her and friends who do as well. We know she’s an intelligent, courageous, wonderful woman even if her birth family will never say so.

It reminded me yet again of several things:

1) Dysfunctional abusive families blame the one who speaks the truth and try to silence that person.

2) Abusers try to denigrate whatever strengths the person has. If the person is intelligent they try to make the person believe he or she is stupid. If the person has a gift for music they try to claim the person doesn’t or that the talent is a bad thing.

3) Abusers will lie through their teeth and have no shame about doing so.

4) Victims of abuse can be so caught up in the cycle they will side with the abuser rather than the person who is trying to protect them.

My friend is going to be okay. She’s got a lot of people who are reassuring her that she is a brave and wonderful person, that she did nothing wrong, and that we are here for her if she needs us.

But I worry about the abuse victims who don’t have that support network, who believe the lies they are told. This is why each of us must speak the truth—so that we drown out the lies of abusers. This is why we must support each other—so that we all have the strength to heal and to stand up to bullies when we can.

The good thing about all of this is the reminder that many of us are breaking the cycle with our children. We ARE protecting them. We are standing up to bullies on their behalf. We are teaching them to believe in themselves and know they are loved.

Some of the strongest, kindest, gentlest, wisest people I know are survivors of abuse. My friend is one of them. And so are many of you.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

What I Hate About Being A Survivor

It’s Pity Party Day. See here for more details:
National Pity Party Day

I’m an optimist. I pride myself on that. I’ve worked damn hard to get to where I am and to be able to feel happy most days. But I don’t ever want anyone to think it’s easy. I don’t ever want to forget how far I’ve come. So I decided to write a list of what I hate about being a survivor:

People who minimize the abuse. People who say it wasn’t so bad.

The emotional landmines that can go off when we least expect them.

The push/pull between trusting (the wrong people) too much and being paranoid (with people who can be trusted).

The sense of shame that can be so hard to get rid of.

The sense of guilt that can be so hard to get rid of.

The lack of self-worth that gets in the way of being who we are meant to be.

People who minimize what happened and/or blame the victim.

The fear that surfaces at the most inconvenient times.

The jealousy of people who don’t have to struggle with the handicaps we have to get over.

People who don’t give a damn about anyone except themselves and think it’s okay to hurt others.

PEOPLE WHO TRY TO MINIMIZE WHAT HAPPENED AND/OR BLAME US AND/OR MINIMIZE US.

People who don’t get what resilience and strength and courage it takes to survive. Who don’t give us credit for that and sure as heck don’t recognize how extraordinary it is when we manage to do more than just survive.

People who don’t get how difficult every day things can be for us. Who don’t understand why we can’t do things the same way as everyone else.

No I’m not in a happy mood right now. One too many hassles in too short a period of time.

Yes, I’m a survivor and a thriver. Yes, I’ve created a pretty good life for myself. Yes, on the whole I’m happy most of the time. NOW. But I’ll be damned if I’ll let anyone minimize what it took to get to this point. I’ll be damned if I’ll let anyone criticize me because I don’t do what they do or what they think I should do. I’ll be damned if I’ll let anyone push me around ever again.

I’m nice. It’s who I choose to be. Because I recognize that everyone hurts, everyone gets scared and almost all hurtful things done are done out of fear. But heaven help anyone who mistakes that niceness for me being a potential victim. If they do, let’s just say it won’t be a very pretty sight.

Standing Up to Bullies

How many times have I stood up to bullies? I’ve lost count. I know I was doing it before I was 3 years old, stopping my mother from harming my baby brother. I’ve stood between raging men and the women and children they were trying to terrorize. I did it again this weekend, standing up to someone who is beloved by many but was choosing in that moment to try to bully them, albeit with words not fists.

I’m tired of bullies. Tired of people who think that because they have money or authority or people love them, they have the right to impose their will on others.

I know that in their own minds, bullies believe they are justified and perhaps even heroic. I understand that deep down they are acting out of their own fears.

I’m still tired of bullies. And terrified of ever being one myself.

April_optimist

Whines Redux

I laughed when I read the comment about having a pity party because there are sure as heck days when we feel like having them, aren’t there?

Anyway, I thought I’d give you an update on my recent whines....

My back is much better. And when my daughter came over yesterday she moved the rest of the boxes out of the room they’re in. Some she took with her, some are in a better, temporary spot. And she actually remembered to wish me a happy birthday (albeit a week late).

We played Nintendo together, too. Who knew she was still using a system I bought her almost 20 years ago?

We’re still figuring out this new relationship. Neither of us quite knows where it’s going or exactly how to do this but we’re both working on it, both wanting it to work. And that’s light years better than how things were for a while.

I’ve been playing with my new camera, too. It’s lovely to be able to do so. It’s lovely to see that I can record sound and short videos. I’ve been toying with the idea of putting up some workshop material in video form and this may be a way to do it.

And my computer is back to working just fine again.

So....lessons learned?

1) Doing things that are outside my comfort zone expands the comfort zone. (Getting the camera.)

2) Focusing on the positive increases the odds of a good outcome. (Had I yelled at my daughter we would not have ended up with such a nice evening.)

3) Speaking up is a GOOD thing. (Had I not asked her to come get boxes and move the rest, it wouldn’t have happened.)

4) If I didn’t choose to advocate for a new kind of relationship between us, it wouldn’t happen. Because I am, it can. Relationships are not set in stone. They can change and grow IF both people want them to.

5) When I can’t do something for one reason (back hurts too much), then it’s time to do something else and focus fully on that rather than focusing on what I can’t do. It can be a time to explore new possibilities or just be still and good things can happen or it can be time and energy that accomplishes nothing except to get me more upset.

This week was, as every week can be, a learning experience on so many levels for me. Feels weird to say it, but on the worst day I also found myself smiling at what I felt like I was being nudged by the universe to learn.

I will, however, admit that I’d just as soon this coming week doesn’t bring quite so many opportunities for learning experiences.....

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist