HOPES AND EXPECTATIONS

First, I had a great time with my friend. It’s good to have people with whom we can be ourselves and know they will accept and love us—even if we’re not perfect.

Second, I want to talk about why I write this blog. I write it, I think, out of anger. Anger that when I began my healing journey all I could seem to find were experts who said we can never get over being abused. They certainly didn’t offer a roadmap to how one could.

I hated that. I was angry that it seemed as if the professionals were giving up on us. I wouldn’t accept that I was going to have to live the rest of my life scared, hating myself, desperately unhappy, filled with shame and guilt and believing I didn’t deserve to live.

I swore that somehow I was going to find a way to heal—and that if I did, I would do whatever I could to give hope to other survivors. I swore I would share the things that worked for me.

I’m glad I didn’t know then how hard it would be or how long it would take. I’m glad I didn’t believe the experts who seemed to be saying it couldn’t be done.

I know the power of expectations, you see. I’ve read the studies. I’ve seen it firsthand in the lives of people I knew. And it makes me angry when I read any expert say we have to live with the pain forever and we can never get over it!

Will we get to a point where we’re perfectly happy? Probably not—but no one does—no matter what their background might be. What we can do—the hope I try to share—is that we can create a life in which we are happy, where we can believe in ourselves, where we know that we have within us the strength and courage to grow and heal and become the people we want to be. That’s more than many so-called “normal” people ever achieve.

And so I created a kind of manifesto in my own mind for us survivors:

We deserve to be treated with respect.

We deserve to be allowed to have hope.

We deserve counselors who will whole heartedly work to help us reach a point where we believe in ourselves and in happiness.

We deserve to be full partners in any treatment program we undertake.

All parts of ourselves deserved to be loved and accepted and helped to be happy. No part of ourselves should have to carry a burden alone.

We deserve to be treated with kindness as well as respect.

We deserve all these things from OURSELVES as well as from others. And sometimes that’s the hardest part—to treat ourselves with kindness and respect. Sometimes it’s hard for us to let ourselves believe in our right to be happy—or that we can create the lives we want to have. But that’s the goal.

So if I sometimes seem naïve in my optimism, I’m not. I just fiercely want other survivors to know it IS possible to heal. I want to offer the hope that wasn’t there when I began my healing journey. And I want to help provide the roadmap I so dearly wished I’d had when I began.

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

A Friend's Visit

I have a friend coming in to town to stay with me for a few days. I’m looking forward to showing off what I’ve created here—maybe because I once wouldn’t have thought it possible.

There was a time when I would have worried what a guest would think. There was a time when my surroundings reflected my inner uncertainty and unhappiness. Now my surroundings reflect my inner peace and order and joy.

I can see, in my reaction to my friend’s visit, how far I’ve come. I realize how much self-confidence I have NOW.

Not that she knew me back when I was so scared and unhappy. Not that she knew me when I didn’t know how to smile. She won’t know how far I’ve come, but I will.

It is easy to forget how far we’ve come if we focus only on where we still have or want to go. But that’s a mistake because recognizing and celebrating the progress we’ve already made is part of what provides us with proof that we can achieve the goals we still have.

I’ve said it before and I know I’ll say it many times again—the more we acknowledge our own real inner strengths, the more true reasons we can find to believe in ourselves, the farther we will get making changes in our lives.

So I hope you take a moment today and realize how far you’ve come. Smile and celebrate and applaud yourself for the work and courage it’s taken to get to where you are right now. And remind yourself that every bit of progress you have already accomplished because each piece is proof that you can create the life you want to have.

Sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Feelings

I’m following up on a question about feelings and it’s taken me a while to figure out what I want to say.

For a long time, I tried very hard NOT to feel. Then I began to realize that one cannot feel joy and happiness unless one feels every emotion. It’s not possible to just block the negative ones.

It can be very easy to not feel anything. Especially about traumatic events. Easier not to deal with all those painful emotions. When asked how we feel about something, we may answer: “I don’t know” or “Nothing.” And it’s the truth. We maybe so afraid of what we would feel if we let ourselves know that we block our feelings completely--just like Spock did on Star Trek. And just like Spock, they may sometimes slip through.

The answer, for me, was to realize that I could handle the emotions. I created a safe environment in which to let myself feel. I surrounded myself with things that to me symbolized strength and safety. I set time limits—no more than 15 minutes at a time to let the intense emotions reach the surface. I would immediately do something afterwards that made me smile. I would run through the list of my strengths before I began. I would distance myself one step by imagining the child I had been telling me how she felt and I would imagine myself comforting her and helping her realize it wasn’t her fault and that NOW she was safe and loved.

I had strategies in place if I did get overwhelmed. Hurting myself was not allowed. (I’d had too much of that in my life already from other people!) Instead, I had a list of things I could do that would make me feel safe and/or smile. I had a list of reasons to keep going forward and reasons to believe that I could someday be happy.And I made sure I knew who I could call if I needed someone to help me process what I had felt.

These days I don’t ask myself what I feel so much as I ask myself what I WANT to feel. Do I want to feel the sadness over the shootings at Virginia Tech or do I want to focus on the heroism of individuals who made a difference that day? Do I want to focus on frustration with a friend or do I want to focus on and remember the good times she and I have shared, the times she was there for me when I needed her? Do I want to focus on my anger at someone or on the compassion I feel for whatever hurt or fear prompted the words or actions?

If I want to, in any moment I can feel any emotion I choose. All I have to do is focus on the right triggers. I’m not blocking any emotions or denying them—only choosing where I put my focus.

How do I know what makes me happy or if I am happy? Anything that makes me grin and feel like laughing. In any moment, I can bring up something in my life that will make me grin. And I choose to be grateful for having whatever that is in my life.

If I find myself hunching my shoulders, that’s a pretty good tip-off that I’m feeling shame about something. Then I know that I need to focus on compassion for myself and remind myself of all the things I do like about who I am.

If I feel my neck muscles tense and my shoulders, odds are I’m feeling anger. And then I may choose to step back and look with compassion at whomever or whatever is triggering that emotion. I remind myself that the filter through which I am perceiving things may be flawed—the person may not intend offense or disrespect. I remind myself that if the issue is important, I am most likely to find a way to alter the other person’s actions/words/perceptions if I let go of my anger and try to see things through that other person’s eyes.

If my face takes on a certain shape, I know it’s sadness I’m feeling. And I can choose again to focus not on what has been lost but on the blessings that have or will come out of whatever is triggering my sadness.

I hope this helps answer the question about feelings. Know that you have the power to choose what you feel. It may not seem like it and it may take practice and it may be uncomfortable at first to BE happy.

---It’s not about denying or suppressing emotions but rather about choosing where to place one’s focus.

---It’s about choosing to see life and the world through new and more empowering filters.

---It’s about rewriting the old messages so that we can genuinely let go of emotions that no longer serve us well.

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist

Safety and Change

I talk a lot about how change is good. It occurred to me that I should talk about HOW change happens.

I believe that change is most likely to happen when we 1) feel safe or 2) change is safer than staying as we are or 3) we have no choice. When state 2 or 3 occurs we are often reacting and the changes we make might not be optimal!

The ideal is to be in state 1 where we feel safe and feel ready to consciously choose to make changes in our lives. Choice is good. So is feeling safe as we move out of our comfort zones and into the new and take steps that feel scary to us.

So HOW do we feel safe? Waiting for it to happen isn’t, in my experience, too great a strategy. There’s always something to come along that could scare us if we let it. Much better to create a sense of safety in our lives, a core of something no one can take away from us, a sense of safety that we can call on NO MATTER WHAT.

How do we do that? In my experience there are several things that can help:

1) Create an image of a safe place in our minds—a place that feels happy and safe and truly ours. We don’t need to share it with anyone so no one can harm us there.

2) Keep a list (in our heads if it doesn’t feel safe to write it down so someone else could find and use it against us) of all our strengths and all our past successes. This is evidence, proof that we CAN succeed, we CAN make changes.

3) Create a habit that whenever we do something that is good for us and helps us move forward, even if—ESPECIALLY IF—it scares us, immediately afterwards we do something that makes us smile. This rewards doing things that move us forward and is a reminder that no matter what we can create moments in our lives when we can smile and feel happy—even if it’s only for a moment or two.

4) In that safe place in our mind we can rehearse or practice things we are going to do. We can figure out solutions to the things that scare us most, figure out things we might say and rehearse how to handle possible setbacks. Never mind that it might play out totally different in real life! The key is to help us feel more comfortable and safer taking these steps forward.

5) Create a habit of noticing, every day, what is good in our lives and what we are grateful for. This helps to remind us that we can have good in our lives.

6) Create a habit of seeing the best in others. This does NOT mean tolerating abuse and telling ourselves the person didn’t really mean it! It means seeing clearly all of what is there. In other words, if someone is abusive, it means recognizing this AND recognizing that the abuse comes out of the person’s own fears and hurt. It means removing ourselves from the situation so that we are no longer abused AND doing so without anger or hate. Why? If we cannot believe anyone can be good or trustworthy we will feel like what’s the point of leaving someone who mistreats us because won’t everyone? It is much easier to make changes if we can trust that it might be worthwhile and that we may discover wonderful new people to bring into our lives.

7) Fid a way to bring FUN into the process. Find a way to laugh at ourselves and our fears and focus on what GOOD will come out of the changes we are making.

The more we focus on what is right about ourselves and our strengths, the easier it becomes to believe in ourselves and find strength and courage to move forward. The more we face our fears and do things anyway, the easier it becomes to make even more changes and face down even more fears.

I also believe with all my heart that change comes far more easily when we are focusing not on how flawed we are but rather when we focus on how our lives will be better if we make these changes, on how we will be happier, on how we can have fun in the process of making these changes.

Anyway, that’s my take on change. May each of you discover what lets you feel safe and ways to create that feeling for yourself as you go through life. May each of you discover what can make you smile as you find your courage to move forward creating the lives you want to have. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Blame

This is one of the toughest things to let go of. Often we were blamed for everything that went wrong—in childhood, in a relationship, in any area of our lives. We may have grown up with the idea that someone must be blamed for everything—and too often it was us—so now one of our defense mechanisms may be to assess blame before anyone else can.

Note: I would agree that it is better to place blame on someone else’s shoulders—if that’s where it belongs—than to take it onto our own shoulders! I’m all for NOT accepting responsibility for problems that we did NOT cause! The thing is that blame ultimately hurts us.

Blame carries a heavy emotional toll. It requires anger. It requires reminding ourselves of grievances. It requires putting our energy and focus into what is or was wrong--rather than what could be right. And lurking at the back of it all is likely to be the fear that maybe we’re wrong and the other person isn’t to blame—we are. Maybe that’s even where we start.

What’s the alternative? Recognizing that something went wrong. Acknowledging any part we played in that AND any part others played in that. Doing so NOT as a way to place blame but rather as a way to say to ourselves: Hmmm, what went wrong and how and is there a way NOT to have things go wrong in future situations like this one?

In other words, it’s taking the emotions and the shame out of the equation. It's letting go of the anger that can otherwise eat us up inside.

What if no matter what went wrong or why, we are still human beings worth loving who deserve and can find a way to live fulfilling and happy lives? What if we are able to see that any harm done arises out of hurt and shame and self-doubt (if done on purpose) and ignorance (if done unknowingly)? What would that change? How much easier would it be to forgive and love—ourselves and others?

That does NOT mean we must let others hurt us again! It is possible to see that someone acted out of their own hurt and shame, forgive AND STILL WALK AWAY because it is not wise to be around that person. It is possible to look within ourselves and know that we were doing our best at the time and that NOW maybe we are capable of making different choices and taking different actions but we were not able to do so then.

You see, the more we forgive and love ourselves, the less likely we are to allow anyone to harm us and the less likely we are to harm others. If we can forgive and banish blame, we can let ourselves look more clearly at situations. We can learn from the past and create a future in which we are able to let ourselves be happy. We can know that no one else’s fears or hurts or shame—no matter what it causes that person to do!—in any way alters who we are. No matter what someone else does that impacts us in a negative way, it does not change the fact that we are children of God deserving of love and happiness.

I am not suggesting this change happens overnight. I recall at one point, some years ago, describing to my then counselor a situation in which someone had done something very hurtful to me. I was angry and ready to place blame where it clearly belonged—on this other person! (Which at least was progress since I wasn’t blaming myself this time.) He suggested that I just bless the person and let my anger go. I can’t tell you how close I came to cussing him out that day. Was he crazy???? Was I just supposed to forget what this person had done? Didn’t I have a right to be angry?????

I needed to go through the phase of being able to be angry. I needed to be able to recognize that I didn’t always have to take blame upon myself. It took time—several years in fact—before I was ready to move to the next step, letting go of blame and seeing the world through a filter of understanding and forgiveness.

The thing is, I couldn’t get to the point where I could forgive others and stop blaming them until I could forgive and stop blaming myself. Only then could I let go of the anger that was so corrosive to ME, to the person I wanted to be. Only then could I take the energy that had gone into anger and blame and use it to be happy instead.

Now I bless that counselor for saying what he did even when I wasn’t ready to believe it. Because it stayed with me until I was ready to grasp what he meant. That’s one reason I post ideas here even when I know they might not sit well with those who read my blog. Because I’m so grateful for all the times that people have offered me wisdom before I was ready to hear it even when they knew I might not like what they had to say.

As I said above, I couldn’t forgive and let go of blame toward others until I could forgive and stop blaming myself. I believe that this is our task in healing—to work on loving ourselves and believing in that divine spark which is within every one of us. Healing is bringing to the surface and rewriting those negative messages we have taken in about ourselves and replacing them with messages that empower us.

I’m going on much too long but I wanted to write about this because I know the damage that blame does—especially when we blame ourselves for things that were never our fault to begin with! And I lived with that kind of self-blame for far too many decades not knowing that it was both right and possible to let go of that self-blame.

So I hope for each of you that you are able to practice forgiving yourselves—even if you can only manage to do so for moments at a time. It is a gift you give yourself but also every person in your life who you care about. When we do not love and forgive ourselves, it is very hard to trust or love or forgive anyone else either.

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),

April_optimist

The Power of Letting Go

This is sort of my belated Easter post. I apologize if it's confusing for anyone that sometimes I post once a week and sometimes more than that. It's just that sometimes I realize there are more things I want and need to say. So....

I love the image of Easter—which for me is one of transformation, of letting go of the old life to transform into a new and more extraordinary life.

I’ve talked about this before but I think it matters enough to write about it again, now.

Note: None of us lets go of all these things all at once. We need to do it in our own time when we’re ready. In a sense, these are goals. Just being aware that they ARE goals can have an immense impact on our lives—for the better. And the more of these we are able to achieve, the more we empower ourselves to create the lives we want to have.

Letting go:

1) Letting go of old beliefs that no longer serve us. (I can’t make it on my own. I’ll always fail. I’ll never be loved or treated with kindness and respect.)

2) Letting go of old relationships that no longer make sense in our lives—OR letting go of how they have been (and the belief this is the only way they can be) to transform the relationship into something new and better.

3) Letting go of old objects that we no longer need—and perhaps thereby making room for new ones that now serve us better.

4) Letting go of fears—and the belief that we must give in to them—to discover new abilities and new possibilities.

5) Letting go of seeing ourselves as victims, seeing ourselves as flawed and/or broken, letting go of seeing ourselves as helpless—and celebrating the strength and courage and capabilities we have inside.

6) Letting go of (righteous) anger—and transforming ourselves by being willing to forgive.

7) Letting go of blame—and discovering the power of focusing on ourselves and the choices we can make.

8) Letting go of the belief that anyone owes us anything—and turning that energy to creating what we want to have ourselves.

9) Letting go of the belief that God failed us—and discovering the power and comfort when we know we can draw on God’s strength whenever we need to do so.

10) Letting go of any crutches (addictions) we have used to dull our pain—and discovering that when we allow ourselves to feel pain, we can finally feel joy as well.

I don’t mean to claim that rewriting/recreating our lives is easy. It’s hard work and often down right scary! So why do it? Because it is only in letting go of the above that we can create the lives we want to have—and have the chance to be happier than we ever thought we could be. This is the only way to discover that we are stronger, braver and more capable and competent than we believed we could be. This is also the only way to counter the false and hurtful messages that may have been given to us—often by those who claimed to love us but were destructive anyway. This is the only way to free up the energy and focus so that we may end up astonishing everyone—including ourselves.

Our lives are in our hands. Our futures are in our hands. We must choose to be who we want to be and create the lives we want to have. The good news is that we can. And when we are ready, we can tap into that universal something greater than ourselves that we call God to find strength and courage and hope when we thought we had none left.

Wishing all of you a time of letting go this spring and embracing new possibilities and opportunities and beliefs—about yourselves and the world around you—and sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),

April_optimist

Sometimes Things Go Right

It’s so easy to feel, when something goes wrong, that things will always go wrong. It can be so hard to remember sometimes that they can also go right. I lived most of my life expecting things to go wrong and it’s only in recent years that changed.

Ever since my trip to New Jersey I’ve been on eggshells, not knowing if I’d have to fly back. For a while it looked as if that might be the case. Last night I got word that it won’t happen and I can breathe a sigh of relief. I also found out that what seemed like everything falling apart last week, in terms of arrangements for my son, was just a miscommunication. My ex hadn’t thought to ask our son (Down syndrome) a few key questions. And neither had I. (Though I had counseled my ex not to panic until he spoke to someone who could tell him what was really going on.)

In any event, this whole experience has been a reminder that things can go right—even if it looks like they are not. The best case scenario can occur—rather than the worst. I don’t have to always be the rescuer and sometimes it’s better for everyone if I’m not. I was also reminded that it’s time to let go of any lingering addiction to drama.

I say often the things that trip us up are the things we haven’t stopped to question. That has certainly been true since all of this started. I had forgotten what my reaction pattern was to drama because for quite a while now I’ve had peace and calm around me. Then this all happened and I found myself needing repeatedly to stop and remind myself that I don’t want or need drama in my life any more nor do I need to get drawn into someone else’s drama. I can step back, take a deep breath, and be the voice of calm—for myself even if no one else listens.

I no longer need the sense of validation I once got by being the person who could always keep a cool head in the midst of a crisis. I no longer need the approval I might get from stepping in and making things right. I can give up drama as an excuse not to do every day things. I can give up the need to be the one who solves every problem—and actually trust others to find solutions.

That doesn’t mean I ignore responsibility or don’t act when it’s necessary that I do so! It does mean that I strip away the issue of the drama itself and step back to look at the entire situation as calmly and clearly as I can and then decide—rather than continuing to play out old patterns. NOW I can value peace and calm and dealing with every day life instead. In other words, now I can choose to be happy instead of needing to be a heroine. Even if I take the same actions, I do so in a very different state of mind than in the past.

This is important because for a long time I didn’t know who I was if I wasn’t a heroine. It was a way of making up for who I wasn’t, a way of atoning for being me—but no amount of self-sacrifice ever felt like it was enough. What a relief to have reached a point in my life when I know that it IS okay to be ME!

I hope that I will always have the courage to do what’s right—even when it’s hard or scary. But I will do so already believing in me, already believing in my right to exist and be who I am, already believing in my right to be happy.

I share all of this because I think so many of us who have had traumatic experiences in our lives fall into patterns of expecting things to go wrong and/or we become rescuers.

I hope that each of you is able to create at least small islands of peace and calm in your lives, that you are able to trust that sometimes things will go right. (The irony is that the more we allow ourselves to believe it, the more likely it is to be true!) I hope that each of you will come to a place where you are able to believe that it’s okay to be YOU—without having to be a rescuer or hero/heroine of some kind in order to deserve to exist. I hope that each of you can see within each challenge the blessings that it brings.

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Blessings

I’m not sure how to title this but I thought perhaps I should post something a little more upbeat than my last post. My only excuse for that one is that I came back here, started to relax into the calm and peace and happiness of being HERE and when I got those calls from back in New Jersey I felt as if I was about to be dragged back and overwhelmed again.

I gave a workshop this morning about spirituality and writing and found myself focusing on one of the questions I asked the students to consider. It had to do with looking at a challenge and seeing the blessings inherent in the situation. And it reminded me of the ones inherent in mine.

----I was able to see my son and my friend with breast cancer and another friend.
----I was able to recognize and let go of the need to always be the rescuer.
----I was able to see the degree to which my son’s behavior has spun out of control. I have a chance to catch my breath, to begin to plan for my next visit with my son in a couple of months so that perhaps it will go more smoothly.
----I was able to begin to rewrite certain relationships in my life and old patterns of interacting with people.
-----I was able to perceive the respect and kindness being offered me when I would not have expected it.
----I flew on an airline I have not flown on before and discovered that I liked it a great deal.
----I came back with a renewed appreciation for what I have managed to create in my life and the rightness of certain past decisions—including getting divorced—both for myself and for those I care about.
----I’ve been given a chance to see things that may come up in the future and therefore time to begin to plan for them.
----I’ve discovered that even in the midst of chaos I can create moments of calm, even when I’m surrounded by serious problems I can find moments of joy. And there were several moments/experiences that felt as if the universe was giving me a hug.
----I have been reminded that we do not have to stay trapped by old assumptions and new ways of doing things can be good.
----I discovered that I could go against the advice of dear friends and discover that I was right to do so—that my instincts can be trusted—that I do know what I’m doing.
----I can CHOOSE. Maybe that’s the most important one of all. I can CHOOSE whether to do something or not instead of simply reacting and playing out old patterns. I can CHOOSE to set limits. I can CHOOSE to love someone AND choose not to be enmeshed in that person’s chaos and/or world image—both at the same time.

Am I happy about the situation back in New Jersey? No. I’m sad more than anything else that matters have come to this point. I’m sad that it may get worse before it gets better. At the same time, that may be exactly what needs to happen. For each person involved, this is a chance to learn something important, a chance to take a new direction so that all our lives become better and happier. Whatever happens, I know that I am moving forward and this whole situation, as awful as it seems, is a blessing and an opportunity to grow.

Sending blessings (preferably gentler and happier ones than mine this week) and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Critical Time

This is the critical time. I spent today relaxing, back home again, catching up on things and thinking what a difference it makes to be HERE, peaceful and calm and happy.

And then the call came. Chaos back THERE. What should they do? Disaster. Maybe. No one’s sure. Tell us what we should do, they ask.

I answer calmly. I don’t have enough information to know and I’m HERE, it’s not in my hands. Suggest questions to be asked, steps to be taken. Not offering to solve it all again. Not offering to jump on another plane and go back to rescue them. Again. Even if I wanted to I can’t. I have obligations here.

But...it is hard to do this, to stand firm. To let people I have loved so deeply resolve their own crisis—if they can. To watch it all fall apart if they can’t.

Knowing that if I go back I drown—and disaster is only postponed a little longer. Knowing that the chaos is because of choices they make and have made. Knowing they may not be capable of changing and if they can’t it will all fall apart.

Tonight I have no answers, only a profound grief that it has come to this. It is no satisfaction to know that I was right in what I tried to tell them—for years and years.

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Old Dreams, New Dreams

One of the difficult things is being in the house where I had so many dreams when I was married. When I first moved in, anyway. By the time I left, those dreams were long shattered. Still, it hurts to see the house as it is now and even the garden gone—buried under weeds and tall grass.

It is difficult, too, seeing my son as he is now and remembering both my dreams and my fears for him when he was born and we found out he had Down syndrome. I see in his behavior echoes of his father. And I see a distinct personality all his own. I ache that I cannot make the world right for him— or him for the world. I ache that there are no magic answers, that I cannot create miracles to make his path easier.

But I cannot. He is turning 30 soon and I know that I cannot change what is.

I go back home tomorrow. There is both relief and fear and worry in leaving now. There is frustration, too. Not just because of the situation with my son, but because there were friends I hoped to see and cannot this time. Again. Too much time, too much energy spent just trying to cope with what had to be done and schedules that just couldn’t mesh with mine.

There is nothing easy about coming face to face with the loss of hopes and dreams once held so dear.

At the same time, even through the sadness I feel, there is profound gratitude that I am visiting and not trapped in the chaos here—as I once was. There is profound gratitude that even in this short visit I have begun rewriting relationships that were not working well. There is relief in knowing I go back to a place I love with people waiting who clearly value me.

There is more than a little pride, too, in having faced these fears, in having found myself in conversations that echoed past conversations and been able—this time!—to sidestep the role laid out for me and suggest better ones for all of us. There is comfort in knowing I have not acted out of anger or revenge or pettiness.

There is comfort in knowing that NOW I value my dreams and needs and hopes and strengths. Now I can walk into situations that would have intimidated me a few years ago and know I can handle them. There is pleasure in seeing and hearing respect from people and realizing that a few years ago I would not have perceived that respect even if it had been there.

I tell you all of this, clumsily fumbling for the right words to convey the depth of what I feel because I know that so many of you out there may feel as trapped as I once did and believe there is no way out, no real chance for change. I want somehow to share with you that there is always hope and that profound changes can take place. I want to somehow let you see that one doesn’t have to be afraid of the emotions that can accompany profound changes—that with the sadness can be very real joy as well.

As difficult as this week has been—and I don’t know how to put into words all the shades of significance this journey has had for me—I am so glad I made it. I am so grateful for the challenges that helped me to see my strengths and that (some) relationships can be rewritten and that yet again I am finding people may perceive me far more favorably than I expect. (I have been deep in the heart, after all, of my ex-husband’s territory—social, religious, and geographic.)

I know that until my plane takes off late tomorrow afternoon a part of me will whisper I should stay longer. Another, wiser part will remind me of what good—for all of us—may yet come out of my having to leave.

Change can bring wrenching emotions. Those are not necessarily bad things. Letting go of what doesn’t serve us opens the way for new good to enter our lives. What once scared or overwhelmed us does not always have to do so. Letting go of old dreams can open the doorway for new and better dreams, dreams that a few short years ago we may not even have known how to dream.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Moving Forward and Letting Go

Moving forward often means letting go of things. Often we see that as letting go of physical objects or relationships and meaning we will lose something. On this trip I’m reminded that it can mean something very different. I am reminded that it can mean letting go of beliefs that no longer serve us.

I am also reminded just how profoundly the choices I make affect my circumstances. I could easily have seen myself as trapped this week—and that’s how I initially felt. But I am realizing that if I let go of the belief that I must always be the rescuer, that I must always be the one to find solutions, that I must always be the one to take care of others, then there are solutions I would not otherwise perceive.

Today there were moments when I felt utter panic. I felt the walls closing in and trapped. And then I realized that I had to let go of the above beliefs. All of a sudden, I began to see possible solutions to the situation that would not involve me, that did not require me to sacrifice myself so that I could resolve someone else’s dilemma. I could offer ways that person could approach the challenges he faces that did not involve me. Had I been able to do this twenty years ago, who knows how different my life might have been.

But we cannot go back and change the past. We did the best we could in those moments of our lives. The key is to remember that at any point, in any moment, we can stop and challenge the assumptions we hold. We can let go of ideas and beliefs that no longer serve us.

The irony is that in stepping out of the rescuer role, I am offering the others involved in this crisis a chance to grow and discover new capabilities within themselves and new dimensions to how they see themselves and each other. I can be true to myself and the kind of person I choose to be without taking ownership of anyone else’s problems.

I did not look forward to this journey but I knew absolutely within my heart that it was necessary. I am profoundly grateful that I chose to come here. We do not grow or change by playing it safe and if we do not grow and change then the quality of our lives cannot change. It is in facing the challenges in our lives that we grow and discover new strengths, new resilience, new possibilities, and new ways to be happy.

Had I not come, I would not have been the person I choose to be. And I would not have understood what I understood today. I would not be at peace with the choices I was making. I would not have had this chance to grow.

May you be able to see within every challenge you face the opportunity to grow and be happier. May you be able to let go of that which no longer serves you and move forward to become the person you are meant to be.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

(I knew I was going to need to write several posts this week!)

Changes

Looking over my last post, I realized it could be read the wrong way. It could be read as if I am afraid of my ex-husband and going back to face him. The truth, I must tell you, is nothing so heroic as that.

I’m not of afraid of my ex-husband so much as I’m afraid for him. Afraid that he broke his leg so badly because the cancer may be back and this time in his bones. So far that doesn’t seem to be the case, but the fear is still there. My son’s fear is that his father is in worse shape than he is, that he will die as other family members have died when they went to the hospital. Those are his fears that I must help ease.

My other fear is of being drawn into chaos and drowning in it. Of finding I fall back into the pattern of never challenging my ex-husband’s expectations. Of discovering my son is so out of control that there’s nothing I can do. I am afraid of falling into my ex-husband’s expectations of who I should be and what I should do for him. I am afraid of forgetting the strong woman I have become.

As I said, not very heroic. Just...sad and difficult and worrisome and mundane.

On the plus side, I am discovering that I can choose to do THIS in order to be the kind of person I choose to be and still say NO, I will not do THAT because THAT is asking too much of me. There is power in knowing that NOW I can choose to set boundaries, now I can choose how I see myself.

On the down side, things are worse with my son than I feared they would be. His behavior is more out of control and my ability to reach him diminished even more than it was before. I’m getting very little sleep and all my waking time with him is spent in trying to create some structure, trying to set some boundaries and help him understand what is acceptable and what is not. So that when I must return home to Texas there will be people who are willing to stay with him until my ex-husband can take over his care again.

And always I must cope with the disparity between how I hoped I would be as a mother to my children and how reality has turned out. I must deal with my fears for my son’s future and the reality of my own capabilities and the circumstances with which I live.

I am also fielding calls from my daughter trying to choose a graduate school and so I find myself giving her the questions to ask herself so that she can decide and trying to encourage her to trust her own wisdom. She is a young woman with the capability to change the world and some day I think she will but for now she wants guidance and it is hard not to tell her what I think and only suggest to her what she can ask herself.

My friend with breast cancer is still scared but she does what needs to be done with grace and dignity. It is good to be able to see her and cheer her on and give her some books that I know will make her laugh.

So this is a visit that is exhausting and brings back old fears and old patterns of behavior and worries. It is a visit that in many ways is good and in many ways upsetting. I must face the gap between what I wish was and how things really are. I must choose every day, sometimes every moment, what I will choose to focus on—that which disappoints or scares me or on the good in my life. As much as I can, I choose the good.

I am blessed that I can be here with my son. I am blessed that my friend is fighting her breast cancer so successfully. I am blessed that my ex is choosing to treat me with more respect NOW than he ever did when we were married. I am blessed that I no longer have to see myself through my ex-husband’s eyes and his measures of what matters and what doesn’t.

Here’s an example of how/why focus matters. When I was flying in, the second part of my trip was delayed by 2 hours. I could have focused on how upset I was, how unfair the delay was, etc. Instead, I discovered a shop where I could buy something to use as a prayer shawl while I am here. And so many people rebooked themselves onto other flights that mine was half empty. I even found when I reached the house that my son was out bowling and got home ten minutes after I did so that the delay didn’t really matter after all. In short, the delay brought possibilities and blessings into my life and I am grateful that I was able to see and enjoy them.

We have a choice, every day, to move forward, to look for the good in our lives and value the blessings or to see ourselves as helpless victims, forever unfairly treated and unhappy. I have friends who do just that—see themselves as such victims. I understand. I truly do. I also see the unhappiness within which they see themselves as trapped and I know that I would rather choose to be happy.

Well, I’m rambling on much too long. I suspect I will post again this week—if only to clarify my own thoughts about what I am going through and coping with. I hope you will bear with me when I do. And I hope that in your own lives you are finding reasons to be grateful and ways to rewrite relationships that are changing or no longer nourish your soul.

With blessings and sending safe and gentle ((((((((hugs))))))))),

April_optimist

Travel and Fears

Just a short note as I get ready to fly out. The good thing is that I will get to see my friend with breast cancer and my son (who has down syndrome) and help to calm his fears about his father. But that means I must calm my own.

And there are fears getting triggered about going back now under these conditions. I need to keep stopping, taking deep breaths (breathe in deeply, hold for several seconds, let out slowly) as I remind myself that all will be well. I am not who I was.

Still, it is hard to go from a place where everyone views me with respect to a place where people don’t. Some of them anyway. One of the things I will be looking at is in what way some of those dynamics can be altered—IF they can.

I know that I will need to do the breathing often—to calm fears that are rising up out of the past as much as because of what’s happening now. I will envision a safe place in my mind where I am confident and strong and remind myself of all the successes I have had in my life. And that I am not who I was when I lived there and felt so afraid to ever speak up for myself.

There are some real issues in the now. Fears that I hope will prove groundless. I breathe deeply and remind myself that whatever will be will be—whether I worry or not—and that I have within me the skills and strength and resilience to face whatever is ahead.

Well, time to go. If I can, I will try to post a little more often this week. If I can. Depends on how things go and what internet access I have. Blessings to all of you and as always, sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))).

April_optimist

I Hate Dental Work

I hate going to the dentist. I’ve got really sensitive teeth. (Think multiple shots of Novocain that still don’t numb the nerve completely.) And this was a new dentist so I had no way of knowing how good he was or wasn’t.

And then there’s the cost. I don’t have dental insurance and even if I did a) the insurance wouldn’t be cheap and b) I’d still have to pay half out of pocket.

So why am I talking about something that makes most people cringe? Two reason. I want to share two things with all of you: dental discount cards and relaxation techniques.

In my case, I found that Aetna has a dental discount card that costs me $6 a month (one time $15 application fee). There’s NO WAITING PERIOD for any level of dental work and it saved me $138 yesterday. ($258 without the card, $120 with it) Needless to say, I’m thrilled. So I mention it for anyone else who doesn’t have dental insurance and needs dental work. It might save you enough to be worth it. (I’ll see in 6 months how much it saves me on having my teeth cleaned.)

Now for the other part of it. As I said, I’d never had any work done by this dentist before. So I was really nervous. Would he understand how terrified I was? Would he stop if he hit the nerve and give me a chance to recover? What about the Novocain—would it work this time?

I’ve been told in the past that the adrenaline of fear can drive the Novocain out of the system so the more I could do to relax the better. Um, okay. What did I have to lose? The question was: Was it possible? (Relax? RELAX? To get my tooth drilled? Were they out of their freaking minds?????)

I started the night before, telling myself as I went to sleep that it would go perfectly on Friday morning. I would feel no pain. Friday morning I had decaf coffee instead of regular and I started doing deep, calming breathing techniques. At the dentist’s office, for the first time they took my blood pressure before they began. 117/68—pretty good. The breathing technique must be working.

The dentist came in. He was very nice, assured me everyone got scared. I’m not sure he realized just how scared I get because I looked so calm. Okay, we’d see how it goes. He tilted the chair back and I closed my eyes and kept repeating mentally to myself that I was calm and at peace and it would all go perfectly. And it pretty much did. He hit the nerve once, instantly stopped, gave me a second or two to recover and then after that it was fine.

I can’t tell you my relief when he was done. It was probably the most pain free filling I’ve ever gotten. Part of it was that he was good at what he did. I also know that a big part of it was how relaxed I was.

Anyway wanted to share those two things—the dental discount cards and the relaxation techniques—because I know that going to the dentist can be a real problem for many of us. (Heck I’m such a wuss about the dentist that there have been times I put off seeing one for a few years at a stretch—and always regretted it later.)

As always, sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

Note: Family crisis means I may need to fly to NJ and not sure when I'll next get a chance to post. No one should worry if I'm a little later than usual! I'm fine just, as I said, family crisis to deal with.

Traveling

Just got back from a trip. I gave a day long writing workshop on Saturday. People who know me say they take it for granted my workshops will be a success. These days, I do too. But I remember all too vividly back when I found it hard to believe I could have anything to say that anyone would want to hear or they didn’t already know!

Looking back, I also remember all too vividly how, for most of my life, I would have felt out of place in a new situation with people I didn’t know. These days, travel is an opportunity to make new friends—everywhere. On this trip I did make new friends, I made a difference AND I had FUN! What could be better than that?

I used to worry that if I said something and someone didn’t “get it” that it meant I had failed—and I’d try even harder to persuade them I was right. Now I know, from my own experience, how a person can hear something, think it’s nonsense or useless information, and then discover days, weeks, months or even years later how true the words were. (I can’t tell you how many times over the past few years I’ve felt I should apologize to the counselor I worked with for thinking at the time that what he was saying was lame only to realize NOW how profoundly powerful or right it was!) The truth is that we understand things when we’re ready to understand them. If someone doesn’t get what we’re saying, that’s okay. They will if and when they are ready to do so. And maybe what’s right for us isn’t always right for someone else. I’ve learned to offer ideas and tools knowing that I can’t gauge which will be right for which person. This makes presenting workshops a whole lot easier. I don’t have to worry if someone disagrees with me about something. I can relax knowing that my job is just to share what I know and have faith that each person there will find and use what’s right for them.

Of course, when I talk about writing, I also talk about much more than that. I talk about finding joy in everything we do. I talk about believing in ourselves. I talk about trusting our subconscious to help us resolve all the challenges in our lives. I talk about seeing others and understanding that conflict always rises out of triggered fears. I talk about doing things in small pieces so we don’t get overwhelmed and doing what needs to be done in an order that builds experiences of success.

In other words, I share a lot of what I write about here. Because whether there is abuse in our backgrounds or not, we are all more alike than we are different. We all carry self-doubt. We all have hopes and dreams and fears.

Here’s hoping that in your life you realize what YOU have to offer the world. Here’s hoping that in your life you realize that you DO belong. Here’s hoping that you know that everywhere you go there are new friends to be found.

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Heroes and Safety

Most people live their lives from a place of fear. Not just people who have been traumatized but everyone. Fear of being broke, fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of being hurt, fear of being abandoned, fear of ____________ (fill in the blank with every other fear you can think of).

Problem is our brains don’t work the same when we’re scared Often we can’t think of solutions as easily or feel generous and loving if we’re afraid. At the very least it’s much harder than when we’re happy or relaxed.

So...two thoughts:

1) Create a safe place in your mind. Whenever you feel scared imagine being there, safe and happy. Imagine this is how your life is meant to be. What could you do if you always felt this safe and happy?

Odds are that if you can create this sense of being safe and happy in your mind, you will begin to see solutions to situations that have felt overwhelming. You will see the path out of every challenge. If you know, deep in your heart, that you deserve to feel this safe and happy, odds are you will not let anyone mistreat you ever again.

2) Be a hero. I’m not talking about rushing into burning buildings or fighting wars. I’m not talking about rescuing every person you see. I’m not talking about trying to be good enough, heroic enough to deserve to exist. (And yes, I know that one only too well....)

What I am talking about is this: Suppose you see yourself as a hero—someone who does the right thing even if it’s hard or scary? Suppose you see yourself as someone who can offer a kind word to others and who does what needs to be done—even when it’s hard or scary?

I’m talking about a mental shift. I’m talking about seeing yourself from the core of your STRENGTHS. I’m talking about seeing yourself as strong and capable of making changes in your life.

And yes, sometimes it means standing up for others. Sometimes it means doing the right thing even when the other person doesn’t. It means choosing to become the people we want to be and believe in. It means caring enough about ourselves to ask of ourselves that we give our best—not for anyone else’s sake but for our own.

What if we choose to live lives of joy? What if we choose to be at peace with ourselves? What if we choose to believe that we will always find the resilience and strength inside to live as we want to live? How might our lives change?

That’s the journey I’ve been on the past few years. And as scary as it has been at times, oh, the joy in discovering I am stronger than I thought I was, braver than I thought I was, smarter than I thought I was!

Five years ago, I could not have imagined my life as it is now. Ten years ago I would have said you were crazy if you told me this was who I would become. Twenty years ago I’m not sure I believed I’d even live until now.

What I am saying is that even if you have trouble believing these things of yourself and your own life, there is power in taking a leap of faith. There is power in choosing to live AS IF it was true—as if you were strong enough and brave enough and wise enough to create the kind of life you want to have. You may not see any way to do it. I didn’t. I was lucky if I could see two steps ahead, much less have a far reaching plan! But I took the leap of faith and the bridge appeared. So, I believe, it will for you.

So...create an image of a safe and happy place in your mind. A place where you can go to renew yourself emotionally when it’s been a hard day. And begin to live your life as a hero. Notice the good things that begin to happen, the ways your life begins to improve. Trust that you don’t need to be able to see the whole path—just the step ahead.

Sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

How

Jumping in Puddles asked a great question: How did I get from feeling guilty that people were stuck with me to knowing they are lucky to have me in their lives?

The turning point was when I found the right counselor. I found someone who listened, really listened to me, treated me with respect, and believed in me even when I had trouble believing in myself.

Because I could respect him, as well, I valued what he had to say. I know—in my last post I said I was afraid he would decide I was too much trouble and kick me out. That’s the irony of this process—we can believe two contradictory things at once. I knew he believed in me. I was afraid he would decide I was too much trouble.

Maybe that’s the core of it—when the knowledge I had began to balance and then outweigh the fear.

Because someone believed in me so profoundly, I began to believe in myself. As a result, I began to act differently. Now, when I would walk into a room, instead of trying to be invisible, I began to act AS IF I EXPECTED people to be happy to see me. And they were. That’s when I began to form my “fishbowl theory” of life. That is: We are all standing on the outside of a huge fishbowl. We can see people to the right and left of us. When we look straight ahead, the fishbowl seems full of people and we are shut out of it. The reality is that the people we think are inside the fishbowl are actually on the far side of it and they think WE are the ones inside the fishbowl!

I began to realize that everyone has self-doubts. I began to realize that our experience is what we create it to be. I began to understand how powerfully our expectations impact what happens. I began to risk sharing more and more of who I was and found so much acceptance that it became possible to believe in what I had to offer. Because I could see that one person believed in me, I could begin to realize that a lot of other people did too--even though I hadn't been able to recognize that before then.

My divorce helped, too. I ended up driving across country. Alone. Not knowing where I would end up living. I knew some of what I wanted but not where it would be. I learned a great deal about myself and my coping skills and my resilience. I learned how friendly people were everywhere I went. I discovered that judgments I had accepted about my character were flawed. (I still remember staying in a hotel in Austin and suddenly realizing that wishing I had an automatic coffee maker did NOT make me a terrible person after all! I’d been so brainwashed that after my divorce someone offered me a coffee maker—free—and I turned them down because I believed what I’d been told for so long!)

Another turning point was when I made a conscious choice to question every judgment, every assumption I held about myself. I decided to challenge every belief. There were some astonishing surprises. I discovered I wasn’t tone deaf—something I’d believed for decades! I discovered people liked me. I discovered I wouldn’t always get lost driving places, that I could follow a map, and if I did get lost I’d find my way to where I wanted or needed to be and it wouldn’t be the end of the world anyway. I discovered that I could believe in my intuition. I realized that what I’d been told were flaws were sometimes my greatest strengths. I realized that wanting joy in my life wasn’t a bad thing and didn’t make me a horribly selfish person. I realized that I could make mistakes and forgive myself and that most of the time other people would, too.

It is a process, part of the journey. I hope it never ends because my life keeps getting better and better all the time because I keep growing and learning. I’m sure I’ll have moments in the future when I realize I’m still holding onto assumptions and beliefs about myself that no longer serve me. That’s okay. It will just be another opportunity to become happier.

I hope that each of you out there can find someone who believes in you—really sees you and believes in you. Someone who treats you with respect and hears you when you speak. Once that happens, I hope you can realize there are lots of other people who can and will believe in you as well. I hope that each of you decides to challenge every negative belief about yourself and find ways to bring joy into your life EVERY DAY--even if it’s just a flavored coffee or lovely cup of tea, maybe a walk in a garden or a movie that makes you laugh. I hope that joy is part of your existence—even if you can only manage it for a moment at a time. Because we all deserve joy in our lives, we all deserve to find people who believe in us and treat us with kindness and respect.

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Believing in Yourself, Pt. 2

One of my friends asked this past week why my daughter’s visit should have caused me to doubt myself. It didn’t work that way for her with her daughter. As I thought about it I realized it was caused by an assumption I really ought to question—one I’d thought I’d left behind me some time ago.

For years, I did everything I could for my husband and my children. In part it was because I felt so bad that they were stuck with me—as a wife for my husband and a mother for my children. I felt I had to make it up to them. And it wasn’t just with my family. I never made waves with my editor or my counselor, when I went into counseling, or with my friends or pretty much any other area of my life. I never dared challenge ANYONE. I felt, you see, that I had so little worth that at any moment they would realize I was too much trouble or get fed up with having to deal with me and they’d toss me away. It didn’t help that some people had walked away when I stood up for myself.

That’s where I was stuck for most of my life—in that kind of thinking and feeling. It shows you how far I’ve come that I had to really stop and think to realize that my reaction to my daughter’s visit was caused by a vestige of that.

Of course, once I realized what it was that was triggering my reaction, I found myself thinking: Screw that—I’m going to move to a belief that she is lucky to have me in her life!

I cringe as I write all this. It’s hard to let myself remember that this was my way of life for so long. NOW I realize that people are lucky to have me in their lives and that if someone walks away—for ANY reason--that’s okay too. There will be other people who do value me.

Now please understand that when I talk about standing up for myself, I’m not talking about angry confrontations! I’m talking about simply speaking up and letting the other person know what matters to me. I’m talking about respectful dialogue. And if someone isn’t willing to treat me with respect, well, I’M not willing to have that person in my life any more.

It's also important to realize that when we are so afraid of being abandoned, we are likely to speak and act in ways that are less than ideal. We may make the very mistakes that will cause someone to walk away, just as we fear. When that happens we may make the mistake of believing we have been abandoned rather than looking at the ways our behavior--that came out of our fear--created the problem. If we are not careful, if we are not honest with ourselves, we may believe that once again we have been abandoned when in truth it could have been avoided if we had not been so afraid in the first place.

Self-esteem is an issue for so many people—whether they were ever abused or not. We live in a society that uses artificial values rather than recognizing that every soul matters, every person is worthy of respect and love. And I truly believe that the greatest harm is done when someone feels a total absence of love and respect—especially self-love and self-respect.

As adults, we create the world we live in by how we see ourselves first and then how we see others. We begin by being hostages to the messages we took in as children—about ourselves and about the world around us. The thing is that we can rewrite those messages! And that’s all that healing is—rewriting those messages.

I cringe when I look back and realize how little I used to value myself. It’s hard to believe that’s how I really felt—but it was. And these days, when I find myself reacting in old patterns, it’s so much easier to stop and rewrite the message that drives the pattern.

What messages can you rewrite, beginning today? What patterns can you change just by changing how you see yourself?

Can you see that each of you out there is deserving and worthy of love and respect? I do.

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist

Believing in Yourself

I’ve talked about this before—how we often listen to the negative voices in our lives rather than the people who believe in us. If we are with those who claim to love us and disparage us, we may believe it even more.

I’ve been thinking about this because I generally (these days!) have a fairly good opinion of myself and my abilities. But...my daughter was visiting and I started to fall into old patterns of second guessing myself when she disagreed with me about something. I started feeling less than my usual confident self. It was rather eerie to feel it happening.

The irony is that for the most part, her actions and words were statements of how much she believes in me. She asked me for advice on dealing with some challenging people and situations in her life. She listened carefully as I deconstructed with her what the obstacles were and how she could optimize her position. She was grateful for the win-win strategies I was suggesting.

My point is that we often fall into old patterns and perceive ourselves through someone else’s eyes in a negative way long after their perceptions of us may have changed. And when we give that power to someone else we are cheating ourselves.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether or not my daughter understands or approves of everything I do and every choice I make. What matters far more is that I do.

Mind you, it can be very empowering to find someone—friend, counselor, partner etc.—who believes in you when you have trouble believing in yourself! If someone doesn’t believe in you, do you really want them in your life—or if they must be in your life do you really want to give them any power to determine how you feel about yourself?

These days it’s simple. If someone doesn’t believe in me, I don’t need or want them around me. They just don’t get who I am.

And that’s what I remind myself when I start to worry about anyone’s opinion. They just don’t get me. And that’s okay. Not everyone has to approve of or like me. Bottom line is that I believe in me and I like me—even if I occasionally slip back into old patterns from the days when I had no faith in myself. I just pick myself up, dust myself off, and go back to believing in myself.

This is a journey. We have a right and a responsibility to ourselves to make it a joyous one. It won’t happen overnight if our experience up until now has been mostly unhappy. But every step we take toward believing in ourselves and bringing joy into our lives moves us in the right direction.

I believe that each of us has a spark of the divine within and therefore when we are truest to ourselves we are living the way we are meant to live. All joy and self-respect honors that divine spark and brings us closer to being the best person we can be. After all, someone who is happy and feels self-respect is never going to feel the need to harm another person—except perhaps in self-defense. Not verbally and not physically and not economically.

So...believe in yourself. I believe in you—each of you reading this. I KNOW that within you is a divine spark and that you are worthy of happiness and self-respect.

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Boundaries

Anyone who has lived in an abusive situation knows the damage that’s done when boundaries are crossed. And if we stayed in that situation for any length of time, then odds are we may have to stop and think about boundaries. We may not know how to set them or always recognize when we are crossing them.

I find myself thinking about two types of boundaries today because of things that are going on in my own life. One is about setting boundaries with those we love in terms of behavior on their part and the other is about setting emotional boundaries so that we do not take on the pain of others or responsibility for how they are living their lives.

My friend with breast cancer has had some set backs. She is an intensely emotional person and this would be an intensely emotional situation for anyone anyway. When I got off the phone with her, part of me wanted to do what I often did in the past when someone I loved was scared or hurting—swallow up her pain and fear and hold it inside me as well.

What I realized is that I can be empathic, I can show her support, and at the same time maintain an emotional boundary that recognizes this is HER pain and her fear. I realized that I could be of more support if I was able to step back and keep that boundary.

Let me be clear—I did NOT minimize her feelings! Nor did I claim everything would be fine just because I want to believe things always will be. I acknowledged how anyone in her situation would be scared and upset. When I spoke of reasons to believe things could still turn out okay, I spoke about what I know of her, of her doctors, of the support around her, of her past success beating the odds. And I acknowledged the reality that these ARE setbacks for her. By the end of our conversation, she was feeling better about her situation.

I could help the most by keeping the boundary that her pain and fear was hers and did not have to be mine.

The other kind of boundary that’s been on my mind is that of coping with behaviors of people we love. My daughter is visiting. She is a wonderful and extraordinary young woman! She also grew up never seeing me treated with respect by her father. Since my divorce a few years ago, we’ve been redefining our relationship. There are times when I find myself still reluctant to ask her to follow some reasonable guidelines when she stays in my house—for fear that I’ll lose her love. There is a part of me that can fear losing love so much that I can find myself afraid to say: This really matters to me or I really would like you to do that.

Part of redefining my relationship with my daughter is to sometimes say: I know you’d really like to do that but I’d really like to do this. It’s been learning to say: Please clear your dirty dishes off the table (instead of doing it myself). It’s making time to do things with her while she’s here but not putting everything in my life that’s important to me on hold until she’s gone.
Like anything else, the more we practice setting boundaries and respecting them, the easier it gets. Like anything else, there will be times we slip up. The key is to go back to setting and respecting them as quickly as we can. Our lives and the lives of those we love will be better if we do.

So...what boundaries might you want to practice setting and respecting? What would make your life better if you did?

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

HSP addendum

I’ve read some more by Elaine Aron and I want to say a little more about her work on highly sensitive people. As I said in my previous post, there is a great deal there that’s useful. I just want to caution anyone who had a difficult childhood that it can feel as if she has a negative bias toward those who did--assuming we are all bad bets for a relationship.

Now let me state clearly that I suspect I'm misreading what she is saying. I mention it in case anyone else has that reaction to reading an author I've suggested.

I believe this: We are all individuals. We will all be affected by abuse but not all to the same degree. It IS possible to grow up and be capable of love!

Yes, there will be greater challenges. And I know what the odds are. But individuals are not odds. We can find ways to heal and create healthy lives for ourselves.

I do want to make something else very clear. I know this: It is easy to blame the one with who was abused for problems in a marriage. I know from experience that in my marriage I blamed myself. It’s is also possible that it will look to the outside world as if it is the one who was abused who creates the problems even though it is the one who had the (apparently) normal childhood who actually does as much or more damage to the relationship and has as many (or more) problems with self-esteem.

So I want to encourage you to realize the power is in your hands--as it is in mine--to look clearly at situations and accept the responsibility that is ours and at the same time recognize when something is NOT our responsibility.

I still encourage anyone who gets easily overwhelmed, who takes in more information than most people, and who otherwise fits her profile of a highly sensitive person (HSP) to read her work. Use what is useful and (at least for the moment) don't worry about the rest. And don't let anyone ever cause you to doubt your ability to heal and create the life you want to have!

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

The Highly Sensitive Person

What I’m writing about today affects a certain percentage of us—perhaps a high percentage of those who read this blog. The title of this post comes from a series of books by Elaine Aron. About how roughly 15 to 20 % of any species is highly aware of stimulus and information in the environment.

One reason I think the percentage of those who read this blog may be higher when it comes to being highly sensitive is:

1) People who are highly sensitive may be more likely to be targets for abuse because we are “different.”
2) If we’re highly sensitive, we may be more likely to realize things an abusive person doesn’t want recognized and that may make us a target.
3) If we’re highly sensitive we may be more likely to develop skills and defense mechanisms that allow us to survive and work toward healing and thriving.

I’m not sure I agree with everything Aron says. I did find reading the book useful, however. It reminded me that we are all individuals. Bashing ourselves because we don’t respond like “normal” or “other” people is counter productive. The key question to ask will always be: What strategy could work for ME? What do I need to be happy and successful—whether or not that looks like what anyone else would need?

Now that’s useful whether or not one is HSP!

As I said, I’m not sure I agree with everything Aron says. But I am grateful to have found something that helped me see myself in a new way that does seem to explain a great deal—and in a generally positive way.

So, if you find yourself noticing things other people don’t and reacting to noise and temperature and stimuli more than most, you may want to take a look at this book.

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Ice Storms

We had ice storms here this past week. 9 days straight of cloudy, rainy days. Several days trapped in the house because the roads were iced over and it didn’t seem safe to drive. Everything was closed anyway.

It gave me a lot of time to think. About the life I’ve created for myself. About where I’m going and where I’ve been.

Ten years ago.... No, scratch that. Five years ago, I couldn’t have imagined my life as it is now. Ten years ago I couldn’t have imagined liking myself the way I do or feeling self-confident and knowing anywhere I go I can make friends.

I’ve lost some friends along the way. That’s always hard no matter what the circumstances may have been. I know, though, they were part of my life for as long as they were meant to be there and I’m grateful for that. Some friendships have changed, evolved into new dynamics. Some friendships are as strong as ever. And I have friends I couldn’t have imagined having ten years ago.

We didn’t lose power during the storms and so I was able to stay in touch with friends all across the country. I was able to share in their lives and let them know what was going on with mine. Ten years ago I couldn’t have imagined having this kind of network.

The ice storms are over now and odds are, where I am, we won’t have another one this winter. I’m grateful though for the time to stop and think and count my blessings. Maybe the biggest blessing is that I’ve gone from someone who always believed things would go wrong to someone who knows everything will be all right. I cannot express to all of you what a profound change that is!

I look back sometimes and it’s as if another person was living my life for all those years and my heart breaks that she had to be so unhappy for so long. But I know, too, that that was part of my journey, part of becoming who I am and who I will be. I know that if I could have changed sooner, I would have done so. These days I’m able to let myself be who I was and who I am and not judge myself against a standard of anyone else.

I wish there were more sunshine here now but I know it will come again. That’s a powerful metaphor for how I feel about my life these days as well. Even when something goes wrong, I know, deep down with the same certainty that things will be all right, that I will find a way to make them all right again.

I don’t often write about dark moments because I believe that as Anthony Robbins says: What we focus on becomes our reality. And yet I also believe there is value in stopping sometimes to see how far I’ve come, to acknowledge the depths of unhappiness I once knew so that I can more fully appreciate where I am now. It is also a reminder, when we look back, of the strength and resilience and courage and creativity it took to make changes in our lives.

When you look back, what changes do you see? Do you have a list of things you have accomplished in your life—big and small? Learning to walk. Learning to talk. Learning to read and write. These things matter because they are proof that we are capable of learning. Everything on your list is proof YOU can change and grow and work to create a better life.

I hope that wherever you are, you are safe and warm. I hope that on days when you find yourself unable to go out because of the weather, you are able to look back and recognize how far you’ve come.

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Winter

This time of year is difficult for many people. It’s a combination of things, I think. There’s an inevitable letdown because the holidays are over. There’s less sunlight. It’s cold and one often stays inside because of the weather. There’s way too much time to think and habit for most of us is to think of what’s wrong with ourselves or our lives. This is a time of year when trying to be Susie Sunshine may not work—no matter what.

I’m not advocating getting lost in pain or self-doubt or sadness. Instead, I’m going to suggest sitting with the emotions. Being honest with ourselves about how we really feel about things, and then FOCUSING ON SOLUTIONS.

That last part is key—focusing on solutions. What actions could we take to cause things to change and get better? Note: We do not have to take any actions. All I’m suggesting is letting ourselves think of actions we COULD take. What are the pros and cons of each possibility? What are the resources we would need to succeed? How might our lives be different if we did make one or more of these changes?

It’s very powerful to take all pressure off ourselves by saying we don’t have to do anything or take any action. It makes it possible to brainstorm.

Mind you, I do believe that if we brainstorm ideas and realize the ways some of these ideas could make our lives much better, we are more likely to take action—because we want to, because the steps feel right, because we are ready. At the same time, it’s important to know that we don’t have to unless and until we ARE ready.

So...what changes might you make? What difference would it make in your life if you did? Do any of those possibilities brighten your day and make you smile? If so, can you take even the smallest step to begin to accomplish it?

Huge transformations all begin with little, tiny steps. Transformations begin with a realization of the possibilities and a faith that even if we can’t make the entire change, we can take that first baby step.

Wishing all of you joyful baby steps this week and in the months to come and sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Play

Do you know how to play? That may sound like an odd question but so many of us who had difficult childhoods find that as adults we don’t play. We do things. We are responsible. There’s always something we SHOULD be doing. Rarely do we just play and if we do, we’re likely to feel antsy and believe we should be working on something useful instead. On some level we often feel that only by doing something can we justify our existence.

Ironically, if we allow ourselves to play, we will be more productive when we work and may well accomplish much more than if we didn’t let ourselves play. We are more likely to think of solutions to problems and ways to cope with the challenges in our lives.

It’s not uncommon for those of us who had difficult childhoods to realize one day that we don’t know how to play. Or, rather, more accurately odds are we have forgotten. If we go back far enough in our memories there was usually a time when we knew how to play before we were scolded out of it or told we didn’t deserve to play and came to believe it. On a subconscious level we may still believe it.

The epiphany that sometimes breaks this barrier is one someone I know had recently. She thought about how she would talk to and/or raise a child. She realized that of course she would want the child to laugh and play! Of course she would think he or she deserved to be able to do so! Of course she would want to see that child laughing and giggling and having fun! Wouldn't we all feel this way? And then she realized that SHE deserved to be able to laugh and giggle and have fun, too. She's right. She deserves to be able to do those things. In fact, we all do.

Does that make sense to you? Do you wonder, though, where to begin? For me it was to imagine a safe and beautiful place in my mind and imagine teaching the child I was how to play and picturing her flying kites, rolling around with puppies, eating ice cream cones (and not worrying about the mess!), coloring, splashing in the lake or ocean, dancing and singing and playing with friends.

It is a funny thing but when we love and cherish and nurture the child we once were, the adult us grows and feels safer and more loved as well. And we all need that—to be loved and nurtured and cherished—and accepted just as we are. When we can treat ourselves this way we are also more likely to be able to treat those around us this way. And if we can nurture and love ourselves then we are less vulnerable to the unkindness of or rejection by others. We are more likely to draw into our circle people who also are able to love themselves and therefore treat us with kindness and respect, too. We can be ourselves and not feel we have to meet the expectations of everyone around us.

So...do you know how to play? If you do—wonderful! If not, what could you do today that would be fun? If you can’t think of anything—and there was a time in my life when I didn’t know how to play either (or wouldn’t let myself)—then maybe begin in your imagination teaching the child inside how to play. No one will know and it won’t cost anything or even have to take much time. And it will be a start that could have a profound impact on your life.

Sending safe and gentle (and playful!) (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Our New Year's Resolutions

I hope that when you look back over the past year you are able to see how far you’ve come and the good that’s been part of your life—no matter what may have gone wrong.

Most people make resolutions that they won’t carry out. I’d like to suggest a different approach to New Year’s resolutions. These are resolutions we may be able to carry out and which will make our lives better and we are more likely to make positive changes in our lives if we begin with these.

Here are the New Year’s resolutions I propose for us:

1) I will celebrate my strengths EVERY DAY.
2) I will find reasons to smile or laugh EVERY DAY.
3) I will wake up in the morning and name three things I am grateful for EVERY DAY.
4) I will go to bed and name three things that happened or I saw or did that day for which I am grateful EVERY DAY.
5) I will celebrate all the good in my life EVERY DAY. I will cherish it and remind myself of the ways in which I am lucky.
6) I will look for people who are happy and who believe in me and these are the people I will bring into my life.
7) I will trust myself. I will look for ways I can succeed at whatever it is I most want to do.
8) I will hug myself and then hug those close to me EVERY DAY.
9) I will treat others with kindness and respect and EXPECT others to treat me with kindness and respect as well.
10) I will treat myself with as much love and kindness as I would treat anyone I truly loved.
11) I will make time to play, to find joy EVERY DAY in something—little or big, I will find reasons to smile and approach life with the attitude of: HOW CAN I MAKE THIS BETTER? and HOW CAN I MAKE THIS FUN?

I truly believe, you see, that when we take the approach of finding joy in our lives we create resilience and strength that let us make positive changes in our lives and make wise choices. When we are happy, we don’t need to numb ourselves with self-destructive behaviors or substances. When we love and accept ourselves, we are more able to love and accept others. When we know that kindness and respect are bottom line what we expect of others in how they treat us we do not have to be afraid of new relationships because we know they will either be good ones or we will walk away. If we know that we can AND WILL make ourselves laugh and feel joy then we will never again be hostage to anyone else’s behavior toward us.

May the New Year bring all of us health, happiness, and much success. Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Christmas Day

For me, this is a time to look back and see how far I’ve come. Often I feel as if I’m not doing enough fast enough and it’s only when I stop and look back that I realize what a miracle the past year has been. And the year before that. And...

The thing is that often we set impossible standards for ourselves. Worse, we may set them for the child we were who didn’t know, couldn’t know what we know now and certainly didn’t have the strength and skills we have as adults.

I love that on Christmas Day, for me, there’s time to stop and wonder and remember and reflect. I love the symbolism of birth—a birth of our new selves and of hope. I love that most people are able to feel, at least for a moment or two in this season the understanding that we are connected—no matter what our superficial differences may be.

I hope that at this time of year each of you is able to feel hope. I hope that each of you is able to feel at least a spark of faith in yourself. I hope that each of you feels the wonder of the possibility of rebirth of who you are and of your life so that you imagine, even if only for a moment, joy and laughter and that faith in yourself replacing any shame and fear you may feel.

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Holidays

Holidays can be difficult if one was abused as a child. They may bring back unhappy memories or just plain unhappiness if we don’t have that picture perfect life now, either.

One source of unhappiness can occur if we are expected to give gifts but aren’t getting many or if we have always felt deprived. It is very hard to lovingly give a gift if we feel deprived! But this is a time of year when gifts are expected and if we don’t give them we may stand out (or feel as if we do) as strange or different or acting like a Scrooge.

So what’s the solution? (You know I’ve got one, don’t you?) The solution is to make sure that YOU don’t feel deprived.

NOTE: Let me be very clear! I am NOT talking about spending more money on yourself than you can afford! I am not talking about huge spending sprees for things you won’t care about in a month or two!

So what do I mean? Well, do you remember me saying you should make a list of things that make you smile? Little things as well as big things? Maybe it’s a cup of mint hot cocoa. Maybe it’s a special flavor of tea. Maybe it’s a scoop of rum raisin ice cream. Maybe it’s a sweet scented soap.

None of those things are very expensive. Especially if it’s one scoop of ice cream, one cup of tea or hot cocoa. The key is to very consciously pamper yourself by having them or using the scented soap. The key is to consciously pamper yourself several times during the day—every time you start to feel deprived.

The key is to go into your closet and only wear clothes there that you love during this time of year. The key is to take five minutes and think of all the things in your life that ARE good, that you can appreciate. The key is as you wrap a present for a friend or loved one is to stop and let yourself FEEL the warmth of that friendship or love and remember your happiest moments with them.

Another suggestion: Buy SMALL gifts for yourself and wrap them up. Don’t necessarily open them on the day that everyone else is, but know that you can open one up whenever you need it most. Hey, it could even take you all year! Just knowing, though, that you have presents waiting, presents you will love, that you can open any time you want, can go a long way to making you feel loved and pampered.

Create for yourself an experience of smiles, of feeling pampered, of loving yourself. Because if you can do that, then you will find yourself wanting to give presents to others and making them smile, just as you are smiling.

We cannot change the past. We cannot change the people around us. What we can do is create within ourselves the experiences we want to have. We don’t have to wait for someone else to make us feel happy or pampered.

So as we go through the holiday season, look for little, inexpensive ways to pamper yourself and make yourself smile. Look for things you can genuinely appreciate about your life. THEN shop for and wrap the presents you want or need to give. And on your most difficult day, if it seems like none of this is possible; promise yourself that you will begin NOW to work toward being able to have a holiday season next year when you can smile. Promise yourself that you will begin NOW to look for new ways to make yourself smile and feel happy and loved EVERY DAY—by YOU. Promise yourself that you will find, in time, the perfect way to celebrate the holidays for YOU.

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

PS I'm adding this after posting my original message because I read something in Parade magazine today that made me realize I had neglected an important part of the holidays. There is a story about people who invite others over on holidays--frieds or neighbors or just people who are alone. I love this! It is an affirmation that even if our own families were/are not loving we do not have to be alone on holidays. We have choices. We can choose to invite people who will enjoy our company, who will be glad to spend time with us, and who will brighten the day, not diminish it.

Mirror Neurons

I discovered something this week that seems really important for anyone who grew up in hugely dysfunctional families. (Note: I’ve seen the same phenomenon in women who were in abusive relationships for significant lengths of time.)

On an email loop I’m on, someone posted a link. I’m going to post it here so you can check it out to see what I’m talking about. It’s: NOVA scienceNOW Mirror Neurons PBS

Why is this important? Well, the idea is that our brains have neurons that mirror the emotions of those around us. I’m paraphrasing but as I understand it, the idea is that we literally feel what others around us feel and that when we see someone else do something our brains respond as if we have done it as well.

Here’s my theory and how it applies to abused children. Note: I have no scientific proof of this, it’s just MY theory. If we grew up in a household with crazy parents, survival and NOT repeating the pattern of abuse may have required that we detach from that mirroring. Not that we couldn’t do it but that we somehow learned not to in order to protect ourselves. In a sense we learned to shield ourselves.

Let me be very clear. We still PERCEIVED the emotions—often more clearly than other children could because it was a survival mechanism to be able to read the moods of the adults around us. We just learned not to mirror what they feel. Because that ability to mirror IS important, however, we may have channeled it into safe directions such as deeply internalizing emotions of the characters when we read a book, listened to music, or watched a movie or television show.

Pretty clever, huh? And no more unlikely than any other survival mechanism that abused children adopt to survive. The problem is that as adults we may find ourselves detached from others. We may tend to be loners. We may be able to see the emotions others are feeling with remarkable insight (perhaps because we can observe without being caught up in the other person’s emotions) but we stay isolated in our own emotions. In other words, if I’m right, we may watch with some bemusement the way others get caught up in crowd emotions when it makes no sense to us—whether it’s sports, politics, or whatever. We still feel emotions ourselves. We still see and understand and CARE about how others feel—sometimes too much—we just do not mirror those emotions in the same way that other people do.

The upside of this is that we may be able to be more clearsighted in evaluating situations and information and less likely to get caught up in the “mob mentality.” We may be able to work with people who are hurting without being overwhelmed ourselves.

The downside is that it does isolate us to some degree. In extreme cases, one could become a psychopath. But that’s not what I’m talking about today. I’m talking about those of us who are able to empathize and care about others but not mirror those emotions in the way that most people do.

Another downside is that we may tend to choose partners who lack the ability to mirror emotions as well because it’s too scary to have someone mirror ours. If they are capable of empathizing it may be okay but if we choose someone who literally cannot comprehend the emotions of others we’re in trouble because odds are we’ll know the relationship is lacking something important—even if we can’t articulate what it is.

So, how can we best use this information? How can we perhaps even reconnect the ability to mirror what others feel without losing the ability to step back to clearly evaluate what we are seeing or hearing?

1) Recognizing that it IS a factor in how we interact with the world.
2) We can understand and honor our child selves for finding a way to survive.
3) We can create alternative methods of safety so that we no longer need to detach.
4) We can consciously choose, in nonthreatening situations, to allow ourselves to feel what others are feeling, to allow ourselves to get caught up in group emotions when that would be a positive thing.
5) We can recognize that when others pull away in the presence of our intense emotions, it may not be a rejection of us or what we are trying to tell them but rather that the other person cannot help mirroring what we are feeling and MUST get away for self-protection.
6) We can recognize that this mirroring mechanism may help to explain some of what we felt as a child before we learned how not to mirror the emotions of the adults around us.
7) We can recognize how this explains the power of responding to anger with love and why we can change the dynamics in a room by being the one who is able to smile and feel hope when others do not.
8) We can recognize the power in finding someone who we are able to trust enough to let ourselves mirror the person’s emotions IF that person believes in us and has a sense of optimism about us and about life in general.
9) We can choose to spend as little time as possible with negative people and consciously seek out those who have a positive outlook on life.

I’ll admit that my first reaction to this concept was one of depression. Oh, great, one more lifetime negative impact of abuse! And then I stopped and reminded myself of all the ways in which I had accomplished what was supposed to be impossible in my life. I reminded myself of all the ways I have defied what would have been reasonable predictions for who I would become and what I would do. And so, as I thought about it, I realized how liberating it was to have this information. I realized that deep down I do believe that with this knowledge I will be able to make my life even better than it already is. I realized that I can acknowledge how essential it was for me, as a child, to adapt in this way and at the same time embrace the idea of exploring possibilities including that of reconnecting the mirroring mechanism.

Knowledge is power and this new piece of information feels like just that to me—power. I hope that each of you may find it a source of power for you as well.

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Hope and Faith

This is the season of hope. I heard someone talk about it today. How do we hold onto hope if things have gone wrong in our lives? How do we keep from feeling overwhelmed? How do we work through past hurts to get to a better place in our lives?

The answer in every case is hope. Hope that things can go right in the future. Hope that we have the strength and courage to cope. Hope that we can create happiness in our lives.

Except maybe the right word isn’t hope but faith. Faith that within us is all that we need to create that happy life. Faith that we will always have courage and strength and resilience and whatever resourcefulness we need to face any challenge. Faith that no matter how bad a situation seems, we will be all right.

Like many people who were abused as a child, I used to expect bad things to happen. I used to believe I was going to get hurt, rejected, look like a fool, and fail at what I wanted most.

And then I began to hope. Hope that it was possible for things to be different. Hope that maybe I could be good enough. Hope that I could be happy, accepted, and even be loved. Because I had hope, I began to see things I hadn’t seen before, do things I hadn’t done before and it began to happen. My life got better. And because it did, I began to have faith that it would continue to do so.

There is real power in hope. And hope fulfilled becomes faith that it will continue to be fulfilled.

The most powerful step I took, however, was to adopt the following habit. Whenever something goes wrong, I ask myself: What good could come out of this?

That isn’t always an easy question to ask. It isn’t always easy to keep asking until I get an answer. But there always is an answer. And it alters everything.

Because I do this, I have seen possibilities I otherwise might not have seen. Even better, instead of putting my focus and energy and emotion into being upset and angry at what SEEMS to have gone wrong, I am putting my focus and energy and emotion into looking for ways to cause/allow/see something good come out of the situation.

There is real power in this approach! I know I’ve written about it before but I think that especially at this time of year, for those of us who may have had less than ideal experiences at holiday time, it’s important to know how we will handle disappointments or difficult days.

So I challenge you this week/month/year/lifetime to ask yourself, the next time something goes wrong, to ask yourself: What good could come out of this? And to keep asking until you get an answer. You may be surprised at how much it changes your life for the better.

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April