The Thriver's Toolbox

Thank You All

2010-06-06T09:16:00.000-07:00

For most of my life, abuse has been at the core of who I am. First with the abuse itself, finding a way to get away from it, living with the effects, trying to sort out the past and let it go, being determined to make what happened matter, etc.

When I started this blog, I was at the stage of being determined to make what happened matter. I was going to post things that helped me in hopes that they would help others. There was a time when I was determined to get a book published about all of this, too. But....

Over the past few months I've felt less and less the need to post. I've felt as if, too, maybe my posts are not after all the profound wisdom I once hoped they would be. More important, I've felt less and less that the abuse is central to my life. I go days and weeks without thinking about it.

I am profoundly grateful for everyone who has ever read any of my posts. I am profoundly grateful for all the posts by others that I've read. I am profoundly grateful for everyone who has helped me along my healing journey. And I am profoundly sorry for harm or pain I've ever caused to anyone—through what I've ever said or done.

I've learned a great deal:

I've learned that I matter and that I like who I am.
I've learned to trust my own instincts.
I've learned that I really do know what's best for me.
I've learned how much connection to others matters.
I've learned to trust when I once would have thought that was impossible.
I've learned to live my life with joy and hope.
I've learned that it's okay to be happy.
I've learned to play—and how important that is.
I've learned to both value who I am and what I have to offer—and to humbly realize how wise others might be and to always expect they may have something to teach me.
I've learned to cherish the friendships I've made.
I've learned to honor boundaries.
I've learned how to set boundaries.
I've learned it's okay to make mistakes.
I've learned how to acknowledge my mistakes and the need to make things better if I can.
I've learned to see the best in others and to honor who they can be.
I've learned to have compassion for myself.
I've learned to count my blessings—often even when it's little things like a breeze or someone's smile.
I've learned to know who I am and to love that person just as I am as well as strive always to grow.

I couldn't have written all these things ten years ago or five or even a year ago. Not the way I write them now. I hope that gives hope to anyone struggling and wondering if things can ever get better.

I have been so blessed to have all of you part of my life—even if only through the internet. I am so blessed for the “real world” people who have been part of my life as well.

I won't be taking down my blog. I'll leave it here for anyone who might stumble across it and find comfort in anything I've ever posted. There's a part of me that says it's possible too that some day I'll change my mind and come back and post.

I didn't, however, want to just disappear. I owe all of you better that. So I came to write this final post. I hope you will celebrate with me this new stage of my life. I hope you can sense my joy that I am where I am. Know that you are all in my heart and prayers.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

2010-04-12T12:18:00.001-07:00

Whoa! I hadn't realized how long it had been since I last posted. Chalk it up to my daughter coming to visit and working on details for a new online writing class.

My daughter's visit was wonderful. She glowed as she dressed up to go out with the girls in a way she never had when she would go out to try to meet guys. She was happy in a way I can't remember seeing her in years. She spent a lot of time with friends as well as with me and I'm glad because the more reasons she has to visit here the better. I'm filled with pride when I look at her and think of the wonderful, compassionate, intelligent person she has become and the work she is doing that may help change medicine.

I have also been feeling a sense of change in myself. Odd dreams of needing to escape people who I thought were already out of my life. Apparently I'm still giving them emotional--if not physical--space in my life and need to look at how to let go more completely. I need to find a way to both bless and release them and move forward in new directions. And I want to reclaim, I think, more of my genuine self--not the person I think I'm supposed to be but rather who I really am.

As part of that, rather than doing long term coaching of fellow writers, I'm discovering that I seem to have a talent for helping writers find--in one session--the process and/or qualities to the material that will work best for them.

I find myself thinking, too, how often people lay down dictums and say that to follow those dictums makes one superior and I'm realizing how often it's a way of staving off fear. The more people who do whatever it is, the easier it is to believe that it will convey some kind of protection and/or act as proof of the person's value or rightness. I'm choosing to let go of some of the dictums I grew up with or heard from others over the years.

So...it's been a time of reflection and I realize one of my patterns is that in times of reflection I draw inward. Not because anything is wrong but because it gives me a chance to process and make choices without being influenced by others. Too much of my life, you see, I trusted everyone's opinions more than my own and I don't want that to be the case any more.

Hope that all of you have been having productive and/or happy weeks since I last posted and had a chance to visit blogs.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Thought Patterns

2010-03-18T14:10:00.000-07:00

For much of my life I expected things to go wrong. It seems like I was afraid of everything. These days, I feel much different. Well, you knew that from my "identity"--April Optimist. I had a reminder of how important it is that we learn to choose how we look at situations.

Right before I left for the east coast, I posted about frustration with my ex-husband and his relationship with my daughter. I refocused and asked myself what good could come out of it and spoke to both. Upshot? He made time for her and they talked about some very important things and she again has faith her father loves and accepts her. They have talked in ways they never did before.

While I was on my trip, my laptop screen went dead. My first reaction? How terrible! How unfair! I mean, the thing is only around 2 years old! Then I refocused. Realized how lucky I was. It happened while I was staying with friends who had an external monitor I could use. It turned out my laptop is still under warranty--for a couple more weeks. It turned out I'd gotten on site service so they came to my house--when I got back home--to fix the laptop. I wasn't, at the moment, teaching an online class. In other words, I am very, very lucky.

The thing is, I could have put my energy and emotions into anger and frustration in both cases. I could have seen myself as cursed. Instead, good things came out of both situations. Definitely a reminder to let myself believe things can go well for me, things can turn out okay, I can be lucky.

It isn't always easy to stop and ask myself that key question: What good is there or could there be about this situation? Sometimes that's the last thing I feel like asking. But these two things were a powerful reminder of why that IS what I want to do.

Here's hoping you're able to see good--or the potential for good--in the challenges in your life, too. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

PS I am soooo way behind on things between the trip and needing to get my laptop fixed. I'm going to try to visit blogs in the next couple of days.

Frustration

2010-03-10T07:09:00.000-08:00

As I pack to leave for the east coast, I am so frustrated I want to scream.

My daughter called. Her dad--my ex-husband--is going to be in her town, on campus at the university where she goes to graduate school, for close to a week and HE IS NOT SURE HE CAN FIND TIME TO SEE HER!!!

She is beyond hurt and I find myself wondering yet again if he has some form of autism that he just doesn't get it. Understand--he is not angry with her, does not disapprove of her in any way, he just doesn't see the need to get together with her.

I can urge her to tell him how she feels and hope this will start a dialogue. I did email him suggesting he spend time with her out there--that I think it would be good for both of them and that even though she's grown up she needs to know he loves her and that she's important to her. But....ultimately he will make the choices he makes and she will feel what she feels.

And I need to get back to packing....

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

March

2010-02-24T13:32:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm heading back east again soon to see my son. And to stay with friends for the last time before they move to a whole new part of the country. (He lost his job, they have no savings, etc.) So it's going to be a bittersweet visit. No doubt I'll run into my ex-husband as well.

The first thing I want to say is a plea to everyone to find some way to save money. Savings give you options you wouldn't otherwise have. And I know it's hard! It's even harder to have to walk away from a home you've loved for over 20 years because you suddenly lose your job and can't pay the mortgage and have zero money in the bank as back up until can you find a new job. My friends made the choices with their money that they emotionally needed to make at the time, but now it leaves them with very few options and my heart hurts for them.

Oddly enough I'm more comfortable at the thought of seeing my ex again than I have been in previous visits—a direct result of setting those boundaries with him last month. I know that I can wish him well without being drawn back into chaos. I can speak from strength not fear.

Seeing my son is always bittersweet. I've made choices that were best for him—given the full sum of the situations. And yet there are always regrets that things worked out as they did. Still, I know he's safe, I know he's finally having boundaries set that will help him grow, I know he's learning to be more independent in his group home. And when I ask—because I always do, in various oblique ways—his main complaint is that he must follow rules and I know in my heart that's a good thing. So I encourage him to explore this new phase of his life and encourage him to find new ways to grow and know that I love him.

The unabashedly joyful news is that my daughter is choosing to come see me on her spring break and that we have a closeness now, a mutual respect, that was lacking for so long. It is wonderful to see the young woman she has become and to be able to share time with her. And that visit will be on the other side of my visit to see my son. March is going to be quite a month!

Here's hoping all of you have reasons to look forward to March as well. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

Boundaries

2010-02-07T13:50:00.000-08:00

It is an interesting thing setting boundaries—especially with someone who doesn't like them.

I realized, after my last post, that I was getting flashbacks not only to the sense of helplessness and inadequacy I so often felt when I was married, but that those emotions were actually echoes of what I felt as a child. I realized that was the origin of the fear of setting boundaries with my ex. Interacting with him was taking me back to my married days and even worse, to my childhood sense of helplessness and inability to handle life but NONE OF THAT IS WHO I AM NOW.

Once I realized that, I could set aside the emotions, reminding myself that as a small child I WAS helpless and couldn't have managed on my own. Went through my list of reasons to believe in myself NOW. Asked myself what the disagreement with my ex was really about—and realized it was about boundaries. So that's how I handled the discussion with him.

I simply set the boundaries that mattered to me—knowing full well the consequences and accepting them because the alternative would be worse.

And so I took back part of myself. I moved from emotional flashback to the calm, competent adult I am. Without having to attack my ex to do so. I could be me, holding onto the values I have about how to treat others and at the same time not allow myself to get caught up in his plans

The victory isn't just in handling the situation as I did, it's in realizing how rarely I feel this way—so thrown by things—these days. It was another step forward in my life getting better and better. And for the future, I have another set of tools for handling anything that might come up.

Here's hoping you are moving forward and claiming your power, too.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_Optimist

Why Quiet So Long

2010-01-23T11:15:00.000-08:00

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. My ex has come up with a plan for our Wills. Never mind that we're divorced and have been for several years. What is interesting to me is how this has brought up old feelings, old hopes and dreams, old...griefs....and of course old fears for me to process.

I look at it as a blessing—a chance to recognize and let go of old beliefs and hopes that no longer apply or serve me well. It is a chance to see myself in a new way. It is a chance to let go of fears that are not valid—if they ever were. It is a chance to grow.

I have not only been looking back but looking forward as well. How do I respond in love and still set the boundaries I choose to set? How do I embrace who I am and what I want—even if it is not what someone else might choose? How do I look beyond what I hope for to see what is—and choose what is real over what my emotions want to believe?

As I said—it has been and is a chance to grow.

I wish my ex well. I hope he is happy. At the same time, I do not want to get sucked into chaos and convoluted schemes. I want to move forward in my own life and embrace the happiness that is my reality NOW.

I am taking my time processing all of this. I want to be sure I speak and act from my highest self—rather than the (sometimes) scared inner child. I want to be sure I am true to the person I want to be—all of who I want to be. That means someone who stands up for herself, sets boundaries, chooses wisely and speaks from a place of love even when saying things the other person does not want to hear. I choose to be someone who believes in herself. I choose to be someone who has faith in her ability to find solutions and evolve as life changes around me.

At any rate, that's why I've been so quiet the past couple of weeks. I've been sorting out emotions and thoughts and making choices.

I hope that you are finding ways to sidestep your fears and grow and make choices that support the person YOU choose to be.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

New Year

2010-01-06T13:25:00.000-08:00

It's a new year and a chance to look, as always, at what old patterns I want to let go and what new ideas/patterns/changes I want to embrace.

Dealing with my ex-husband over the holidays, I realized I definitely want to let go of the last of the fear based thinking/reacting that still lingers in some of our interactions.

Dealing with my daughter, I am so ready to embrace this new friendship and mutual respect between us. I adore the woman she has become!

Dealing with my son, I'm ready to embrace his growing independence from me as he settles more and more into his group home.

As for New Year's resolutions....my tendency is to want safety above all else. The most useful resolution, then, might be to do something new every week. It might be try a new way to cook something or a new place to go or a new way to interact with others or....? The key is just to try new things and thereby expand my comfort zone one a continuous basis.

How about you? What changes are you making? Any resolutions to share?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Tripping Over Assumptions

2009-12-12T12:07:00.000-08:00

For some reason, this time of year helps me trip over old assumptions. That's a good thing because then I have the chance to decide whether I still believe in them or not.

Let me back up and explain that when I married, so many years ago, I chose a man with a strong moral compass. I knew I needed a compass very different from the one my birth family followed if I was going to become the good and honorable person I wanted to be. So I married such a man and adopted without question his moral compass. For the most part, that was a good thing, but there are days even now when I suddenly realize that I don't always have to do so.

Example: I bought myself a bracelet this week in a jewelry store. Not super expensive and very, very pretty. And it was like an earthquake beneath my feet to do so. Why? Because my ex-husband and his family believed that if you had money for jewelry you should give it to others in need. It took until now for me to even notice the inconsistency--that there were lots of things it was okay to spend that much money (or more!) on, just not jewelry--and to realize that it was okay to spend money on something that would bring me so much joy. One more step, in other words, of claiming who I am. Not who someone else thinks I should be, but who I am.

It is another step in realizing that I can trust myself to be a good and honorable person without having to blindly follow someone else's moral compass.

I also found myself checking Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books out of the library this week and realizing the moment I began to read them that this was part of where my hope came from when I was a child. Back then, adults around me couldn't be trusted and none of the ones who could would listen to what I had to say. But in these books the kids (well, okay 18 year olds) were solving mysteries and defeating bad guys when adults had failed to do so. So all I had to do was hold on until I was that age and everything--maybe--would be okay. On many levels, a bunch of things suddenly made sense--including why the fact that someone was an adult didn't necessarily feel very reassuring to me.

As I cook new things and create some homemade presents for friends, I'm discovering talents I'd believed I didn't have.

Each holiday is a chance for me to "rewrite" what it means and fine tune or create new traditions that will serve ME well and bring ME joy.

Here's hoping that each of you are discovering assumptions you can release and creating true moments of joy in your holidays.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T14:47:00.000-08:00

I love Thanksgiving. In part, it's because it was one of the few days of the year when I was allowed to eat as much as I wanted and didn't go hungry. It's also because I like the idea of noticing what I'm grateful for.

One of the things I've learned on my journey is that it must begin with a core of belief in myself. That I can build upon. Then I can risk looking at what I don't like about myself or my life. This means that every time I stop to think about what I'm thankful for about myself, I gain strength and resilience to move forward even more.

The last couple of weeks I have been looking at beliefs I didn't know I had. Teasing them to the surface is the challenge! I'm still not done. In a way I feel like I've been deep sea fishing--which goes along with the battening down the hatches analogy in my last post. And each time I sat down to do that, I began with what I like about myself and the strengths I have so that I could look at what I'm afraid of or don't like.

Today I've been enjoying a peaceful and quiet Thanksgiving. It is a joy not to be in the middle of people screaming at each other and telling each other how flawed they are. It is a joy to be able to laugh and to curl up with my dog, to ponder what I love about my life and what could make it even better.

I hope all of you are having a lovely Thanksgiving too.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Battening Down the Hatches

2009-11-07T08:19:00.000-08:00

It occurs to me that others might find it useful to know how I get ready to tackle difficult “stuff.” How do I batten down the hatches, so to speak? In no particular order....

1) Stock the pantry and refrigerator with healthy food. No alcohol or sugary stuff. I want my body to be able to handle the stress and I know that what I eat (or don't!) will impact my emotions, too.

2) Make a mental note to wear only clothes that make me feel good.

3) Get into a pattern of daily exercise—preferably including time out in the sun.

4) Pull out my list of things that make me happy/smile/laugh and make sure I'm doing/having at least 3 every day NO MATTER WHAT.

5) Make a list of blessings in my life—how my life is good NOW.

6) Make a list of what I like about myself—why I like who I am NOW.

7) Make sure my support network is in place and that we'll laugh together, too.

8) Make sure I know clearly why I matter, who needs me and why. Make sure I know why no matter what comes up, I have a reason to figure it out and keep moving forward—that letting go and/or hurting myself is not an option.

9) Begin to tease at the edges of my emotions. Toss out possibilities of what it might be that I need to look at until I get a “bingo”--a sense of resonance that says: This is it!

10) Imagine talking to the child I was and asking her what's going on—always reassuring her that NOW I am safe, NOW my life is good, NOW I have the wisdom and experience to process whatever it is that once terrified me so badly that I had to bury it like this.

11) Remind myself that whatever surfaces it is not the event itself that matters but rather the messages I took in about myself and the world and people around me because of it.

12) I will remember to laugh and count my blessings EVERY DAY as a reminder that NOW I am safe and NOW I am and can be happy.

What do you do to “batten down the hatches” to protect and prepare yourself when you know you're about to look at something difficult?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((hugs)))))),
April_Optimist

More on Dreams

2009-11-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

Well, this post isn't exactly about dreams but it continues the conversation from the previous post.

I'm pretty sure now that I'll be fictionalizing what I write. I'm pretty sure there's something left to process that I don't want to look at. I tell writing students that the past matters--whether in real life or with our characters--only to the extent that it is affecting the person's actions and reactions in the present. If it's not, leave it alone, it's not time to bring it up.

But this is affecting me. My life is pretty good. I'm happy. I am light years from where I was just 5 years ago. But there is something I'm bumping up against that if I process it will allow me to move forward in a major way. If I knew what it was.

I can make some guesses. Enough to be wary. I'm pretty sure I'll want to use a slightly different approach than when I processed things before. I know that I'll make a space for laughter and joy every day even when--maybe especially when--it's hard to do so.

It's been a while since I had to process something new but I'll pull out my tool kit and experiment until I find just the right combination of skills that will let me heal this last (I hope!) remaining piece.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Dreams

2009-10-24T16:19:00.000-07:00

I do not often worry about dreams. When I have one that's important, it's always transparently clear what I'm meant to look at. I do, take any necessary steps and then move on. Now, though....

I've had dreams for several nights now telling me there's something still left to look at and that until I do, I'm trapped where I am. And those dreams are telling me clearly that I must write about my life.

Now...first...this does not in any way negate the good things in my life NOW. It does not in any way detract from my current happiness. It does not mean anything other than that if I look at these new things, my life will get better.

What is somewhat disturbing is that I had thought I had explored it all—and left it behind. And yet, I have known I am not yet where I would like to be with my life. This is what will allow me to get there.

The “me” in my dreams was scared. When I tried to write my story in my dreams, it became gibberish because it was so scary to that self. And that me resisted doing any of this. Which is my subconscious “protecting” me. But the conscious me knows that no matter what it is, I have the skills and tools to cope. No matter what it is, this would not be surfacing unless I was ready to process it. That's how it's always been.

Perhaps the best thing is that this may explain the writer's block I've had for some time. It may be that until I find a way to write my story—whether it's nonfiction or I fictionalize it—I can't get back to writing what I write best.

It is, as always, an interesting journey.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

The Ocean

2009-10-13T10:21:00.000-07:00

I was doing a visualization exercise last week when I had an epiphany.

I was standing on the shore of the ocean and beside me was a native American shaman from a long time ago. He was stunned at the sight of the ocean and we spoke about how he could not comprehend the ocean until he saw it. And we talked about how what is to come in my life is the ocean I've never seen. I can't know what it is or comprehend it until it IS part of my life.

This is a very powerful image for me. Looking back, I know that over and over I have discovered oceans in my life in the sense that he was discovering what an ocean was.

I could not comprehend believing in myself until I did. I could not comprehend being happy until I was. I could not comprehend trusting until I did. I hadn't even known these things were possible until they were.

I love this visualization message because I find myself excited about what the oceans might be that I've yet to discover. I'm excited about the possibilities that might change my life profoundly just as believing in myself, being happy and trusting did.

How about you? Are you excited about the oceans you've never seen that you might yet discover in your future?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Wanting

2009-10-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

I think wanting—letting ourselves want—is very difficult if we were abused as children. We learned not to ask for things, not to let anyone know what we wanted or cared about so it couldn't be used against us and maybe even learned not to care at all so it wouldn't hurt so much when it was taken away from us and given to someone else.

For years, it was impossible for me to do the exercise where you write down your ideal life—what it would look like. I couldn't do it. I'd fall asleep or get distracted or I'd get pounding headaches and have to stop or I'd just stare at the blank page literally unable to do it. Then I got to the point where I could imagine little bits and pieces of things that I thought might make me happy—hastily followed by reassurances to myself that I didn't actually need those things!

Even now, I catch myself thinking in terms of: What's the least I can settle for? It's as if I'm afraid that if I let myself think about what I'd like, it would hurt too much because there's a part of me that still believes I can never have it.

So...a couple of weeks ago I deliberately decided I was going to think in terms of what I really want and use it as motivation to find a way to get them. As usual, this has meant emotions bouncing all over the place, more headaches than I've had in the past 2 years all put together and bouts of insomnia and/or disturbingly vivid dreams.

I took steps to prove to myself that NOW I could—and do!--have lots of the things that make me happy. Now I can have a freezer/refrigerator full of food—I don't have to go hungry as I did as a child. Now I can wear clothes that make me smile—instead of someone else's hand me downs or what someone else thinks I should wear. Now I can watch movies or shows I like—and not care what anyone else thinks of them. Now I can notice when men pay me compliments—without having to be afraid of what it means.

And I noticed the patterns that still remain. I found myself thinking of some things that would make me happy and saying I can't afford them. I found myself realizing that I could—if I chose and if I let go of the old beliefs of what I do or don't deserve. I noticed the old voices whispering it was wrong to want this or spend money on that. I thought about how different I would feel if I talked to myself in terms of: This would make me happy and that wouldn't.

There's no danger, you see, that I won't manage financially. I know how to do it too well. But there's a danger of settling instead of thriving. There's a danger of believing I never can have _________ instead of realizing I could if I just ______ and _______ and _______.

I hadn't known I still had so many of the old ideas still in my head. I hadn't realized I was still limiting myself in ways I could have abandoned long ago. It is—as always—the beliefs we don't know we have or think to question that trip us up the most.

So....how about you? Are you able to think about what you want? Are you able to let yourself have the things you can afford that would make you smile? I hope so.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

9/11

2009-09-11T12:47:00.000-07:00

I still remember vividly that morning when the planes hit the twin towers and the Pentagon and that field in Pennsylvania. My daughter and I were going to spend a couple of days together before she left for college--by plane. It's one of the things that made me realize I didn't want to waste any more years unhappy.

When I look back, I remember the tragedy of loss of life. I also remember, though, the way people came together--despite their other differences. Briefly instead of screaming at each other, we helped each other out. People gave of themselves to help others. There was true heroism as well as the horror.

9/11 was not the end of New York City. It is as vibrant and alive as ever. That's good to remember. Tragedies happen. We can survive them and recover and live vibrant, happy lives. The key is to help each other, to believe in ourselves, to go on even when we don't see the way more than a step or two in front of us.

I will never forget what happened on 9/11. At the time I lived close enough to the city that firefighters and ambulances from my town headed up there. People I knew were in the city at the time and it took more than a day to verify they were okay. Some just missed being in the twin towers when they came down. But I will remember the love and heroism and unity as well as the horror.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

All of What I Feel

2009-09-02T12:29:00.000-07:00

It has been an interesting time since I returned from my trip. Intense emotion hits me at odd moments. What I'm calm about on the surface turns out, some times, to be something I am not so calm about underneath.

I have learned the hard way that trying to suppress intense emotion means one cannot laugh as easily or feel joy. And what I try to suppress gains strength whereas that which I am willing to let surface can be felt and then let go. That's what's been happening to me over the past couple of weeks.

I am happy for all the good things in my life and in the lives of those I care about. At the same time I can grieve for hopes and dreams let go as life changes what the possible futures might look like. It's not that these possible futures, these new hopes and dreams are any worse than the ones I had before just that they are different and it's time to let go of how I once thought things would be. And in letting myself grieve I am honoring who I am and how I feel—and then I can let them go and embrace the new hopes and dreams and possibilities.

I can be happy, too, that NOW I am someone who can celebrate the changes in my life—instead of always being afraid of them. I can be grateful for people who come into my life and enrich it—for however long they are here without needing to grab onto them terrified they might go away. I can help my children explore the possibilities in their lives without believing that their choices determine whether I have succeeded or failed in mine. I can choose who I will be and what I will do without being terrified of what others will think—and that too is a wonderful thing.

It is an interesting time for me and I am willing to let it be whatever it is.

Here's hoping that you are having some joy amid the challenges in your lives, a sense of trust in yourselves and a willingness to honor all of who you are.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist

Intensely Emotional Weeks

2009-08-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

The past two weeks have been....extraordinary. My daughter's visit brought us closer. She shared things with me she has never shared before. And that let us bond in ways we couldn't before.

Then I went to NJ and my ex reminded me yet again why I was right to divorce him. (I say that tongue in cheek but not with malice. There are some people who need to live in drama and chaos and make it seem normal. When one has a chance to step outside that circle of drama and chaos it is amazing the sense of relief one can feel. I am truly glad that he's found someone happy to live in that drama and chaos with him and who thinks he is wonderful just as he is. That's what we all deserve—someone who can love and value us just as we are.)

I gave an all day workshop and was reminded how good I am at what I do—and what a difference I can make for other writers.

I saw my son and helped him adjust a little more to his group home. And could see that he is beginning to accept that this IS his home now.

I saw old friends and I could offer comfort to a friend facing yet more serious medical news.

So much laughter, a few tears, a chance to be myself at my best. These things are priceless.

Here's hoping all of you have had good weeks, too. Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),

April_optimist

Processing and Self-Protection

2009-08-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

Some interesting comments to my last post. I'm going to try to answer a couple of them here because I think they are important.

First, Paul mentioned self-protection. Certainly, in my last post I wasn't advocating abandoning commonsense. We need to think about choices we're making and whether or not they are wise ones. At the same time, in my own experience, when I've tried to be self-protective--out of fear of what might happen with regard to other people--I've often guessed very wrong so that what were meant to be self-protective words and/or actions ended up hurting me and/or the other person.

I've come to believe very strongly that I need to use commonsense AND risk trusting that things will be okay, that I will be able to figure out how to handle anything that comes up as long as I have used commonsense all along.

Seriously, some of the things I've done—or not done—out of a desire to protect myself have been some of the worst mistakes I've ever made. For me, to live as much as possible without acting from fear is turning out to be the safest thing I can do.

Second, Vicki asked about headaches and processing experiences. For me, here are the steps I used:

1) Imagine a beautiful safe place.
2) Imagine my child self with me in that place.
3) Ask that child self to tell me what happened and LISTEN TO THE EMOTIONS.
4) Reassure that child self that NOW she/I am safe.
5) Help the child self see it wasn't her fault—that she did the best she could.
6) Thank the child self for her part in helping me survive.
7) Imagine loving the child and then helping her learn how to play.
8) If necessary, imagine my adult self confronting the abuser(s) with them unable to speak unless I let them.
9) Imagine saying/doing anything necessary to give me closure.
10) Imagine going back and playing with that child self until I am calm and at peace and smiling.

Not sure when I'll next get a chance to post. I'll be traveling this week and next. Giving an all day writing workshop and visiting my son in his group home. That will be a challenge because my son tells me he is “causing problems, big problems.” I don't know what, if anything, I can do to help him adjust. I worry what happens next if he can't. And this will be the first time I see the house I lived in during my marriage since my ex-husband's girlfriend has moved in. So....it's going to be an interesting trip. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

How Things Are Changing

2009-08-01T11:50:00.000-07:00

Well, some of you have asked how things are changing so....here goes. I'll start with my dog since Kahless specifically asked about her.

When I first brought her home, Sophy was scared of a lot of things. If I left her more than an hour or two there were accidents. On New Year's Eve, she was terrified of the fireworks and sat trembling in my lap. Now? Now I can leave her for up to 6 hours. She wasn't scared on July 4th and she joyfully looks forward to each day. She still checks out limits and when we pass rabbits on our walks I know all training is going to go out of her head as she tries to get that rabbit! But now she often rolls on her back for me—without trying to grab my hand when I rub her tummy. Now she can let me out of her sight without panicking. And now I'm learning to adjust to the idea that I have a dog who can catch birds and rabbits—in my back yard! (EEEWWWWW!) She no longer clings the way she did for so long. And we have a new routine of rolling out of bed, dressing and immediately going for a walk because with the record heat we've had this summer it's too hot to go any later in the day.

But a lot of other things are changing too. Paul asked about those dynamics.

I'm being asked to step into leadership in a situation where, at the same time, I feel somewhat marginalized. That means I get to look at patterns. How does this resemble past situations? How is it different? In what way are my choices playing into problems that arise? What changes can I make?

Maybe most importantly I'm asking myself: How can I stand in a place of excitement about the changes taking place in my life rather than standing in fear? How can I make choices based on what I want rather than what I fear?

If I can do that, then everything changes. Most of the mistakes I've made in my life, the things I regret were the result of choices I made and actions I took out of fear.

When I have been able to speak and act from a place of looking at what I want, I have never regretted what I said or did—even when it didn't work out the way I expected. Those adventures I look upon with joy, able to see what I learned and gained, no matter how they turned out.

You can see why I want to make this my operating method for everything—as much as I can. So when I get scared about a new change or opportunity, I stop, take a deep breath, smile (physiologically something happens that alters the emotions) and remind myself of the above truths. That lets me step back enough to set aside my fears and look at what I want—and then choose what, if any, action I will take.

I'm going to try to post a bit sooner next time. In part that's because I'll be traveling for a week and hope to post before that trip. It will be interesting to see how I interact with my ex-husband and son this time. (As long as I'm growing and changing--and I hope I never stop!--each time I see them is different.)

Here's hoping there are good changes happening in YOUR life!

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Back Again

2009-07-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know it's been forever since I last posted. I've been doing a bunch of stuff that took up time including setting up some online writing classes and pondering new directions in my life. I've been stepping outside my comfort zones in a number of ways and reminding myself that I want to act from a place of courage not fear.

Of course, stepping outside my comfort zone has meant that long buried fears and/or beliefs have popped up—often startling me because I didn't know I still had them. It's meant looking at each one dispassionately to see if it made sense. With some, I could immediately see how absurd the fear or belief was. With others I needed to take the position that what I was doing was an experiment and it would either prove or disprove the fear and/or belief and that it was okay whatever the outcome might be.

All of that takes energy. The good thing is that I can make such choices. I can consciously choose to step outside my comfort zones and do new things and/or handle old situations in new ways.

But it takes energy. And since the middle of change always looks like chaos, I've felt a bit...unsettled these past couple of weeks. The hardest thing, I think, is to give myself credit for what I am doing since like most people I tend to notice most the things I'm not yet doing that I think I should or mistakes I make as I learn how to do new things. That's part of the learning curve for this process.

So what's been changing? Let's see....

Relationship dynamics with my grown kids and my ex-husband.
Relationship dynamics at my church as well as my willingness to step into new roles there.
Relationship dynamics with my dog.
How I see myself in terms of my career and steps I'm taking regarding it.
How my day to day life plays out.

In other words, just a few little minor details of my life. I'd like to say I'm going to get back to posting far more often but I honestly don't know. Just as I don't know if I'm going to join Twitter under this identity (or any other).

I hope that each of you has wonderful new possibilities showing up in your lives and that you're finding ways to welcome those possibilities. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),

April_optimist

PS Colleen is giving a way a copy of her book. Click on the link to read about it on her blog.

July 4th

2009-07-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

When I think of Independence Day I think of Martina McBride's song about abuse.

I think about the profound respect I feel for men and women who risk their lives for all of us and who often come home from war with trauma as deep and profound as that which any of us carries inside.

I think of courage.

I think of the hopes and dreams the founders of the United States had for our country.

I find myself thinking that in my own life I want to live with courage, take risks for my own hopes and dreams and be willing to stand up for what's right even when it isn't easy.

Wishing for each of us our own independence days, every day. May we be able to fight for our hopes and dreams and take steps to escape the chains of our past. Every day.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Possibilities

2009-06-26T13:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I've finally almost reclaimed my house and cleaned up the stuff scattered all over when my daughter left. Shipped off another large box of her stuff to her, too. My dog has (more or less) stopped moping and I've been able to do a few things I didn't while she was here.

I know that this new direction in her life is a VERY GOOD THING—both for her and for the work she is going into. Now the challenge becomes looking at new possibilities in my own life. What might I want to do that I haven't—for whatever reason? What might I want to do that will make me smile?

Mind you, having daily highs over 100 degrees tends to put a damper on one's energy—especially for outdoor activities. And I'm still catching up on things that got put aside while I helped my daughter get ready to move. But it's time to look at possibilities—whether for right now or for when it gets a bit cooler outside.

I saw the Star Trek movie and found myself thinking that I'd like to be part of that grand adventure and it got me thinking about hope again. Because that's the foundation of the success of the whole Star Trek franchise—hope. Hope that against all odds, brash daring might win the day even against apparently overwhelming forces.

Those of us who have known abuse know what it's like to feel powerless. For many of us, it was hope that kept us going. Hope that one day life would be better, hope that one day the abuse would stop, hope that some day someone—even if it was us—would figure out a way to stop the abuser(s). I don't think it's surprising that so many of us were/are drawn to Star Trek, especially when you add a Vulcan who seems to know how to handle difficult emotions so that they do not run his life—as was true for Spock in the original series.

Here's hoping each of you has a source (or more than one!) of hope in your life.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

So....

2009-06-11T13:01:00.001-07:00

I'll be around to read blogs soon--I hope. Just realized how long it's been since I posted and figured I'd mention I'm still alive.

Yesterday I got my daughter on the road to California and her new life there. I figure it will take me a month to recover from the past 10 days! At least that's how it feels. Between lack of sleep, frantic packing and shipping, trying to get her car fixed up in time, etc. I'm exhausted. I'm also numb, relieved, missing her and a whole bunch of other emotions I can't yet name.

During this time I also learned my ex's girlfriend has moved into our old house and they're about to go off for a vacation in Paris, France. Don't get me wrong--I'm glad he's happy. I don't begrudge them these things. But...it is another change and he and I lived in Paris for a year when we were first married. So it's more emotions to deal with. Not jealousy exactly. More the sense of changes happening. And remembering the days of being the one walking those streets so many, many years ago.

Anyway, I'm way behind on my work, still needing to catch up on sleep and processing a lot of emotions.

Wishing all of you well and hoping to catch up soon on your blogs. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))).
April_optimist

What If?

2009-05-30T12:55:00.000-07:00

Hmmm. I seem to keep getting farther and farther behind posting. And I'm just barely beginning to restore links to my website. I imagine that will take me a while.

It's not that this blog isn't important to me--because it is! Part of it is the logistics of getting my daughter ready to move across country. Part of it is needing to immerse myself in a manuscript I'm evaluating for someone. Part of it is needing time to withdraw and ponder where my life is going now. And there is a lot to ponder.

One of the patterns I want to change is not letting myself want. It's good to be happy with what one has and to be able to find joy every day no matter what. It's another thing not to let oneself want because for most of my life I couldn't have what I wanted--or if I got it, it would have come with too many things I didn't want. I find that even now I'm a bit rusty when it comes to thinking about what I might want.

But that's what I've been doing. Practicing thinking about wants. Practicing imagining that what I want could be possible without all the negatives such things would have come with in the past. I've found that about the only way I can do that with some things is to say to myself: WHAT IF it was possible to have A without Z? What if it was possible? What would it look like if it was?

It didn't work, you see, to simply try to tell myself that it was possible and I needed to imagine that. In some cases, I couldn't. But to start with the words WHAT IF IT WAS POSSIBLE, then that changed things. I don't know how to explain the power of that difference, I just know it's there. And thank heavens it is because it lets me consider what I might want in a way I couldn't before.

What would YOU want, if it was possible? What would it look like if you could have what you want without all the things you don't want? And is there any piece, however small, of what you want that you could begin to have NOW? Those are the questions I'm asking myself and that maybe you might find useful, too.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Connections and Changes

2009-05-18T14:06:00.000-07:00

Just Be Real has given me an award and I'm so very grateful to her for that.

I think we all worry, sometimes, if our words matter. We wonder if what we have to say can help or even just resonate with anyone else. So many other things can begin to take priority over posting to our blogs—even when we keep reading others. So thank you again, Just Be Real.

Not that it's just about whether our words matter. The sense of connection with a community greater than ourselves is just as important! But many of us were told growing up that no one wanted to hear what we had to say or that we talked too much and rewriting those old stories, those lies we were told is what this healing thing is all about. So I'm glad I finally had a chance to go see the award Just Be Real has given me and many others.

The past couple of weeks have been busy. I've been wrapping up one writing class and getting ready to teach another. I've also been helping my daughter move in. She won't be here long but...this short stretch of sharing space is a profound blessing. I see her moving forward in ways I didn't dare to do when I was her age and I see whole new ways I could have created my life. And it makes me think about new possibilities for my life now, as well. Most of all, it's a joy to have a closer relationship with her than I'd have guessed possible just a few years ago.

At the same time, it's strange sharing my space with someone again—for the first time since my divorce! More than once I've had to stop and ask myself what story I was telling—about her, about myself, about our relative responsibilities, motives, etc. And that's good practice even when part of me just wanted to complain—until I remembered how much better my life is now that I DO question the stories I tell myself!

The connections in my life have changed a great deal this year and they are still changing. I love the sense of new possibilities. I hate that embracing those possibilities means stepping outside my comfort zone—even though I know that every time I do, my comfort zone expands. I love that my sense of self continues to expand—even though I hate the honesty it sometimes requires to look at old hurts, old self-doubts, old stories.

Are there changes happening in YOUR life? Are you able to see what's good about them—even if they are challenging and/or hurtful in the moment? I hope so. I hope that every day brings you reasons to smile and small moments of joy. I hope that no matter what the past may have been for you, that you are at least beginning to see wonderful possibilities for yourself in the future.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

PS Apologies to everyone that I seem to have lost all my links. In theory there's a way to revert to previous blog versions so I can get them back but....so far I've had no luck doing so. Will do so if I can otherwise....it's going to take me a while to rebuild my blog list. ::SIGH::

Patterns and Priorities

2009-04-28T12:34:00.000-07:00

What are the priorities in your life? Or maybe I should ask Who are the priorities in your life.

I ask because it's come up for me. As I adjust to the idea of my daughter moving across country, I realize my sense of self is shifting and so are my priorities. I'm realizing that as long as she's been living near me, these past two years, I've made her convenience a priority over mine. I've put plans on hold and not done things because she MIGHT want to see me. I've asked myself what would please her as opposed to what would please me.

Now I'm not saying I never want to do that! I do value my relationship with my daughter and I want to be willing to take her feelings and wishes into consideration. At the same time, though, I'm realizing that I've cheated BOTH of us by not giving at least equal weight to what I want and how I feel. I haven't given her a chance to know who I really am when I am fully ME.

It's also a shock to realize that I've been thinking I've thought about myself in terms of “Am I being a good enough mother?” as opposed to: “Am I being a good enough ME?” Already I find myself shifting back from focusing on my role as mother to my role as a professional in my field. I'm remembering that one of the greatest gifts I can give my daughter is to model the possibility of being happy and successful doing what one loves.

All of this reminds me to be aware of patterns in my life. To ask myself in what situations do I play out this pattern with other people as well? How might I want to change these patterns?

The great thing is that as I play with these questions, I open up the possibility for changes that will enhance not only my life, but the lives of those I care about as well.

So....what are the patterns and priorities in your life and do you want to play with the idea of changing any of them? Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))).

April_optimist

An Award!

2009-04-14T12:44:00.000-07:00

Thank you to Jumping in Puddles at Life Spacings who has given me The LOVE YA award:“These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

Jumping in Puddles was kind enough to say:

April from http://thriverstoolbox.blogspot.com/ often we visit april because she is so clever at enveloping stories of herself into lessons she has learnt and then goes from there to questions for the readers. The journey she takes us on by doing this is a journey of self discovery and growth. Sometimes we have spent days pondering one of Aprils blogs thus reminding ourselves on how much we can still learn.

So now it's my turn. There are people I might have chosen if I didn't know they'd already been tagged. Since the idea is to spread the sense of community and introduce each other to perhaps bloggers our regular readers don't know this is actually probably a good thing. So I'm choosing:

Gypsy-Heart for her joyful approach to life and beautiful artwork.

Grace for her profound sense of faith and her gratitude posts.

Karma for her honesty about the challenges she faces.

Mile 191 for her faith and her thoughtful posts.

Leah for her awareness and sharing about abuse and how other survivors have coped.

Just Be Real for her determination to be true to herself and for her deep faith.

Metamorphosis/Peppermint Patty for the tools she offers bloggers on her website.

State of Grace for her reminder that we can be survivors and blog about lots of things not even remotely related to healing, having been abused, etc.

I love that the internet lets us all connect with each other and discover so many different ways that one can cope with, survive and triumph over abuse.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist

PS If you haven't seen this already, I hope you'll go take a look. It's a reminder that dreams can come true. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Loss

2009-04-10T06:24:00.000-07:00

I'll be back in a day or three to post a longer post. I know I'm running really late and didn't want anyone to worry. It's just that....a friend died suddenly on Sunday. I didn't even know he'd been sick.

It couldn't have been easy growing up gay in a small Texas town, but my friend greeted life with love and joy. He cared about everyone and I never heard him judge anyone. He was one of the most spiritual people I've ever met (he was studying to become a minister) and he truly believed there was a spark of good in everyone—even if they had trouble finding it at times. I will miss him deeply.

In death he brought together people who had not spoken to each other in over a year and between whom had been bitter feelings. At his funeral they hugged and spoke with mutual affection of the man we lost. He was young, much too young to die. But he did. I will miss him and I will miss his ability to be joyful in all situations.

Assumptions

2009-03-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

I've talked about this before—how we tell ourselves stories about the people and events in our lives and then believe they're true. This week I had an epiphany that reminded me that no matter how sure we are that we're right our stories could be mistaken.

My ex-husband is often late for things. He doesn't like to follow rules. He encouraged our children not to do what people told them to—or follow rules if they didn't want to.

For years I told myself he was immature and/or passive aggressive and it drove me nuts! How could he handicap our son (Down syndrome) even more than he already was.

But...this week I woke up and had an epiphany. I know my ex-husband grew up hearing about relatives who died in Nazi concentration camps—and about those who escaped. He told me once that the reason he never wanted to own a house or other property was because some of the ones who died died because they owned property and wouldn't leave. These stories—he said—were why he put other people ahead of family.

Well, I woke up (having watched Life is Beautiful the day before) thinking: What if? What if my ex-husband grew up hearing about this relative or that who lived because he or she was late to some place they were supposed to be? What if he grew up hearing that this person or that lived because he or she refused to follow the rules and do what they were told to do? What if--?

What if so many of my assumptions were wrong and he was driven by an (unconscious or conscious) imperative that said because our son was handicapped it was even more essential that he not do what he was told because under the Nazis he would have been one of the first taken away?

It changes everything. And nothing. Problem behaviors are still a problem. Relationships that don't work still don't work. But...all of a sudden anger evaporates. Instead of feeling as if I was hostage to his behavior, I can see that perhaps he's hostage to the stories he heard and the emotions/behaviors those stories engendered.

And I may be completely wrong. It's all just speculation—another story I've told myself. But it doesn't matter. Because the real lesson is that there COULD always be reasons for anyone's behavior that may never occur to me. It's a reminder that it isn't necessarily about me—even when it seems to be (whatever “it” is in terms of someone's behavior). It's a reminder to hold compassion even for—maybe especially for—those who do things that upset or hurt me. It's a reminder of the importance of looking within and looking at where my own behaviors and assumptions come from and to challenge those that don't serve me.

It's a reminder that so many assumptions we make are just stories. Some have more evidence behind them than other but....still they are just stories. And stories can be rewritten—especially the ones that keep us trapped in hurt or anger or a mistaken sense of limitation.

Here's hoping you have your own epiphanies and rewrite some stories of your own this week. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

The Wisdom of Dogs

2009-03-12T13:08:00.000-07:00

Dogs are great teachers. Sophy taught me something important this week. It was something I knew intellectually but I haven't always put it into practice.

She hates when I play Nintendo Wii. She thinks I should be paying attention to her instead. And she's smart enough to know that if one tactic doesn't work, try another.

She tried pawing me. That didn't work.

She tried barking at me. That didn't work either.

She tried climbing in my lap. I shoved her off.

She tried climbing in my lap and licking my face. I started laughing so hard I had to put down the remote and pet her because who can be angry at so much affection?

Sophy reminded me of two very important lessons this week:
1) If something doesn't work, try something else.
2) Affection is far more likely to get results than chastising the person. We want to give attention and affection to and be with those who love us—not those who are constantly scolding us for who we are and what we do.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Challenges

2009-03-04T12:21:00.000-08:00

I've been think a lot about challenges this week and this new sense of who I am. What I keep coming back to is the realization that the stronger we feel, the more sure of our self-worth the easier it is to face challenges head on.

If I'm right, then it becomes really important to think about ways to remind ourselves of what we have to offer. That's why I so often suggest making a list of our strengths and past successes. This list is a reminder that we have succeeded in the past and can succeed again. When we focus on the best we can be, we are far more likely to find the incentive and courage and resilience to become even better and to believe we can face our current challenges successfully.

When I talk with my daughter who is trying to decide whether or not to change graduate schools and her field of research, we talk about how her skills and strengths will give her options with each possible choice—and that helps to take away some of her angst. Because he believes in himself, a friend who is out of work knocks on doors and meets with people sure that sooner or later he will find the right spot and he's becoming more creative in the possibilities he's considering for himself. A stint substitute teaching made him realize that maybe he wants to go in a new direction entirely.

I've also think it's useful to make a list of resources available to us—which can include faith in something greater than ourselves.

A friend's son whose marriage just fell apart discovered that his brother was willing to have him move in and that he can help him get work and meet people so that he can begin to move forward with his life. Another job hunting friend realized when she made her list that there are resources she hasn't even begun yet to tap into yet. And I am constantly discovering that there are resources I hadn't known were available to me and would never have discovered if I believed I had to do everything myself or was afraid to ask for advice or help.

Lists of things that make me smile. I can't say enough about how important this was once I discovered the concept. It's what got me through so many difficult challenges, things that might have overwhelmed me or caused me to run the other way if I didn't have my list and made a point of using it to create reasons to smile every day no matter what was happening in my life at the time.

So....how do you build your self-esteem? How do you find courage to face challenges and create happiness in your life?

Sending safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

More Discoveries

2009-02-24T11:35:00.000-08:00

It's been an interesting week. My daughter is considering changing graduate schools (and leaving the city where I live). I've been fielding calls from her all week as she visits a couple of schools and pointing out to her that there are no bad choices here. Whatever choice she makes she'll do wonderful research, get a degree and have jobs waiting for her when she's done. And I see reflected in her worries how I used to be—terrified that I'd make the wrong decision and needing to try to imagine every possible contingency SO I COULD GET IT RIGHT.

I mention all of this because just posting my list last week seems to have had a profound impact on me. I'm late, for example, getting this post written because I've been working out the logistics of offering several online writing classes over the next month or two—instead of just setting up one as I would have in the past. And I've needed to get out the word to various writer's groups plus post it to my website and writer's blog. The interesting thing about that is...

When I felt the old fears that I wasn't worthy of the price (quite reasonable) for the classes, I was able to set aside the fear knowing that what I have to offer is actually worth far more than what I charge.

Just acknowledging a new perspective on who I am seems to be opening up ideas I hadn't had before. And I find myself moving from needing to GET IT RIGHT to being willing to take action and risk that I'll make mistakes or even—horrors!—possibly fail.

I'm recognizing—but not beating myself up over—those moments when I start to fall into old patterns AND I'm recognizing the way old thinking created those old patterns, some of which I hadn't realized were there.

I've known for a long time, but I'm seeing it more clearly this week, that anything we do we are likely to do better if we do it from a position of knowing our own talents and strengths. It is when we feel most secure that paradoxically we are freest to ask others for help, be willing to ask for advice and even risk failure by trying new things or things we're not sure we can do. It is when we feel safest that we can risk getting rid of walls around ourselves and move out of our comfort zones and really LIVE—rather than just trying to survive.

I'm finding that I can listen to someone's opinion of me and consider whether it's a) valid, b) has information that might be useful to me and c) still feel sure of my own self-worth. That's a huge change from how I lived most of my life when I felt so desperately dependent on the approval of others. Instead of asking myself what others will think, I'm asking myself what I think and what I want.

Granted, I have been moving in this direction for a long time. Making that list and posting it, however, still seems to have caused a far bigger shift than I would have expected. So I'm going to encourage all of you to make your own lists of who you are—or who you could be if you could let go of all your fears and became the person you were meant to be. What is your vision for yourself? Maybe PLAY with the idea! Your list isn't and won't be set in stone. What makes your list today might not match what makes your list a year from now as you discover new possibilities and what you really do and don't like. But it's a starting point, a way to move yourself into a new way of being and of seeing who you are and who you can become. I knew making the list for myself was a good idea but I'm still a bit stunned by the power it's having on my life this quickly.

Sending blessing and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

I Am

2009-02-16T12:34:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a while since I posted. It's been a bit hectic here, I had a cold, I....I was on the cusp of something.

I've been looking at what old ideas I'm ready to let go of NOW. I try to do this exercise at least two or three times a year. What I found this time was that wasn't enough. I needed something more. What I realized I needed was to look at what NEW ideas I was ready to embrace about myself. I looked at how am I willing to see myself NOW. I've talked about this before but this time I actually sat down and made a list. I asked myself.....

If I fully embrace my strengths, who am I? If I'm not a victim, who am I? Or who could I be if I let go of my fears? This is what I've come up with so far.

I am (or could be) (in no particular order):

healthy
youthful
graceful
artistic
musically gifted
creative
wise and resourceful
resilient
strong
clever
loving AND lovable
giving
courageous
playful
joyful
gracious
prosperous
a great friend
spiritual
a leader
respected and respectful
a fabulous mother
a fabulous and creative and joyful lover
a world traveler
a renowned and in demand public speaker
elegant
self-confident
willing to risk failure to achieve success
a source of good in the world
a catalyst for others to discover joy and their creative potential
always learning

It is strange to embrace the positive after a lifetime of feeling as if I had to make up for my inadequacies but...I think I kind of like it.

Here's hoping that each of you are learning to see yourselves in new and wonderful ways and embracing the reality and potential within. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Lemonade and the Connection Between Fear and Depression

2009-01-31T12:36:00.001-08:00

Both mile191 and Colleen were kind enough to give me this lemonade award. It's about making lemonade from lemons. I'm supposed to nominate 10 blogs but I don't want to limit it to that. Every blog, by every survivor is about trying to make lemonade from lemons. It's trying to find a way and reason to hold on. If some blogs seem more pessimistic than others it's because we're all in different stages of our journey. But every person out there is doing the best they can in each moment. So to everyone out there I give this award. Each of you, in your own way, makes a difference and I honor the journey you are on.

I also want to talk about fear because I read a review of a book by James S. Gordon called: UNSTUCK: YOUR GUIDE TO THE SEVEN-STAGE JOURNEY OUT OF DEPRESSION. I haven't read the book but from the foreword (which can be read on Amazon.com), it's clear that Gordon takes the position that depression is based in fear—fear that we cannot change the situation we are in or the feelings we have. His approach appears to be giving people tools to change their situation and process past experiences and emotions. The moment I read that, it felt right to me. It matches my own experience and what I've observed with others.

In the years when I was depressed, I was afraid I could never stop hating myself. I was afraid I could never be happy. I was afraid my life couldn't change for the better. When I figured out how to begin to make changes in all of these things, I stopped being depressed and started being happy.

I don't know if this specific book is any good but I love that he takes this approach! I love that he realizes depression doesn't have to be permanent, that giving people tools to change their lives can make a huge difference. Had I known, had I been able to believe, when I was so depressed, that it was possible to learn how to change my situation and how I felt about myself, it would have made all the difference in the world.

Wishing for each of you the knowledge that your lives can get better and better and so can how you feel about yourself. Sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Thoughts on My Trip

2009-01-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back from helping my son settle into his group home. It wasn't an easy trip. It wasn't easy seeing his confusion about why he's there and his fear that it's a punishment because he “messed up big time at the house.”

I did my best to help him know that he's there because we love him and see it as a good step forward. I did my best to help him focus on what is good about his new situation. I also asked, every possible way, what he didn't like about the group home and double checked everything I could to make sure there was no abuse. He said, over and over, that he's unhappy he has to follow rules but that it's the only thing he doesn't like about the group home and that they are good to him there. I shudder when I think what it would be like if he had had to make such a move because something happened to both his father and me and neither of us were there to help him adjust.

I helped him move his things from the house to the group home. I helped him sort through the things at the house to see what he's ready to get rid of. We didn't finish the job but at least we finally started it. He got to see friends of mine who have known him since he was a young boy. And I think he is better for my visit.

I also saw the house for what may be the last time. I saw the work my ex will have to do to fix it up and I am more relieved than ever that I did not try to keep the house. I mourned—and am still mourning—the loss of hopes and dreams I had for my marriage, my home and my son. I worry about him but know that we talk every day and that if there is a real problem, he can tell me.

And I move forward with my own life. I celebrate, with the rest of the country, how far the United States has come since I was a child when the election of someone like Barack Obama as president would have been unthinkable. I love that he says we need not and must not betray our souls, our honor to create the lives we want to have. I love that he seeks to unite rather than divide us.

Change. In our personal lives and on the world stage we cannot avoid it. The challenge is to find a way to embrace it and see the possibilities. But it isn't always easy. That's why it's so important that we do so consciously choosing to look for what could be good about every change and challenge.

Here's hoping the changes in your life this week have been good ones. Sending safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),

April_Optimist

Changes For Me and My Son

2009-01-13T13:40:00.000-08:00

Please keep me in your thoughts this week. I'm headed back east to see my son and help him settle into his group home a bit better. And I'll be taking what may be my last look at the house I lived in for so many years.

I'm not thrilled to go north in January but....one doesn't always have a choice about the timing. My son needs help now to choose what to take to his group home and what to let go of forever. Not an easy thing for anyone—much less someone with Down syndrome.

My daughter will stay with Sophy, which makes things easier for me. I will stay with friends, knowing that they, too, are talking about moving within the next few years.

I will use this visit to see myself in a new way and I will remind myself of all the good that has come out of past changes.

May change come more and more easily for you every day and may you see each challenge as full of wonderful possibilities. Blessings and safe and gentle ((((((((hugs)))))))) to all of you.

April_optimist

10 Things I Like About Myself

2009-01-07T13:54:00.000-08:00

Colleen challenged me to do this variation of the 10 honest things. I think it's a great exercise because I suspect we all tend to think first of what we perceive as our failings instead of our strengths. But those things we like are the basis, the foundation for our ability to change and our belief that we can. So here goes, not in any particular order...

1) I'm creative.

2) I'm resilient.

3) I have the courage to do things even when they scare me.

4) I'm supportive of others and able to help people feel good about themselves.

5) I can knit and sew and often get compliments on the things I make.

6) I'm a great public speaker.

7) I'm good with money.

8) I'm a good mother and a good friend.

9) I'm intelligent.

10) I'm a really good writer.

When I look at this list, I see the things that have allowed me to make major changes in my life.

It reminds me that it's okay to take chances because odds are I'll figure out a way to do whatever it is that's important to me.

It reminds me that I'm not a victim. I was as a child but now I'm a strong, competent woman who can handle challenges that come my way.

It reminds me that it's okay to be happy now.

So....what would your list look like? I invite everyone to play!

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist

New Year's Eve

2008-12-31T12:22:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve. It's supposed to be a momentous time—changing over to the new year. And I suppose I do find myself reflecting on this past year and the changes I want to make in the new year. I'm not making resolutions, though. Instead, I'm looking at the stories I tell myself and asking which ones I might want to rewrite.

I know, of course, that I want to rewrite any that begin with the assumption I'm stupid or incompetent about or can't do something. I know that I want to rewrite any that set limits on what's possible for me. I want to rewrite any that say I can't have love or happiness or prosperity.

I find myself thinking about all of this now because very soon I will be going back east to see my son in his new environment, in the group home. I know that it's important to think carefully about what I will tell him about this big change in his life, the story I will help him create for himself.

What are the stories you tell yourself that you might want to rewrite as we enter this new year? I'd love to know and to know what happens when you rewrite them.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Bittersweet Time of Year

2008-12-20T14:18:00.000-08:00

Usually I love this time of year. Yes, there are some childhood memories that aren't pleasant from this time of year but there are more of those memories where Christmas would remind my parents of who they wanted to be. At least for a short time my mother would remember that she wanted to love and make us happy. My father would grin as he brought in and set up the tree. We would go sledding or out to the slopes to ski.

This year...it somehow feels different not having my son with me on Christmas. That's been true for several years now but....this year feels different. Because now he's in the group home and it feels like he's more distant than he was before. That makes no sense, I know, but...this year as I wrapped his presents and even now as I write this I find myself crying, grieving the loss of how I wish things could be.

I haven't begun my Christmas cards though the packages have been sent out. And I spent this morning with my daughter as she searched for the right present for her brother and dad. We made plans for her to come over for Christmas eve and I was reminded how lucky and blessed I am that this is possible. Of course, knowing that she might switch graduate schools and leave the area is another potential loss and one that hits hard on the heels of my emotions about my son and the group home.

Don't get me wrong. It's a wonderful group home. And I know it's a chance for him to grow up in new ways that could make his life easier. And if another graduate school will be better for my daughter I will be happy for her. But it will be a loss in my life to have her go.

It cheers me up to see my tree, though mind you it's a challenge getting my dog Sophy to understand the round things on the tree are NOT balls for her to play with!

So....my cards will go out late, but that's nothing new. I'll cherish the time I have with my daughter on Christmas eve and Christmas day. I'll talk with my son over the phone. And I'll acknowledge the anniversary of my father's death on Christmas eve by lighting a candle and remembering the times he was able to be a good father. I'll remember, too, the hurt that caused him, in turn, to hurt me—a reminder of why it's so important to find ways to love and accept ourselves so that we do not repeat the harm our abusers did.

A mixed bundle of emotions, this time of year. I suspect it's that way for most people.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

10 Honest Things

2008-12-09T13:04:00.000-08:00

Mile191 has been kind enough to give me an award. Thank you!

With this award I'm supposed to list 10 honest things about myself.

1) I'm a coward. It gets better all the time but my first reaction to something new is to be scared. I always have to take deep breaths and reset my thinking before I can do them. The good thing is that once I do them, I have more evidence that I can do things and I don't need to be scared.

2) I get impatient with my kids. I want my son (who has Down Syndrome) to realize that if he followed rules, his life would be easier. I wish he had all the freedom in the world to live the way he wants, but that is not his reality. I get impatient with my daughter when she goes in circles worrying about making absolutely sure she makes the right choice about anything. The irony is that I know this may be at least in part due to watching me do that as she grew up.

3) My house is nowhere near as neat as I'd like. It's far better than when I was married but it's not at the level I'd like it to be.

4) I love playing video games, especially games like Zelda.

5) I hate cold weather and ice and snow. I grew up in a cold climate and my ancestors are from cold climates but....I'd much rather have warmth.

6) Even though I have a lot of published books, there are times when I don't feel like a “real” writer. The one thing that helps is that most published writers I know also have those moments of self-doubt.

7) I hate confrontation. I suspect I always will.

8) My dog gets to sleep on my bed and I feel safer having her in the house.

9) I wish I could spend more time with my kids even though I know the greatest gift I can give them is the freedom to create their own lives.

10) I believe that deep within us is the courage and resilience we need to heal. I believe that by reaching for moments of joy in our lives, we nourish that courage and resilience and in accepting ourselves we have the best shot of becoming the people we want to be.

And now I'd like to pass the award on to:

Clinically Clueless
Colleen
Enola
Gypsy-Heart
Jumping in Puddles
Kahless
Karma
Keepers
Kim

If, that is, you want to play. And I'm sure I'm forgetting people I really should add to this list.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Stories, pt 2

2008-12-02T11:37:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I think that especially in times like this it's important to stop and list what we're grateful for. It's a tangible reminder to ourselves that even in the midst of chaos or trouble, we do have moments of joy, things that do—or could, if we let them—make us smile.

I've needed that reminder this past week. Today it becomes official—my son's move into the group home. And it's a good one. I was very impressed when I visited it—and I kept expecting to find things that upset me and was surprised when I didn't. He will finally have a chance to learn the social and behavior skills that could make his life easier and happier.

Still, it's a big change. And my son is scared. And it's hard to separate my emotions from his on this—even when I know in my head it's the best possible thing for him. Nor does it help when my ex-husband starts obsessing over who will have the right to handle our son's money (SSI, any paychecks, family gifts, etc.) because his fears trigger old patterns for me. We're telling ourselves stories, each of us, and it isn't helping.

I'm pretty sure this will be good for my son. He tells me the place is nice and he likes “hanging out with my guys.” They have lots of activities and seem sensitive to the needs of each resident. But he's scared. So I reassure him it's normal to feel scared when there's such a big change but he's loved and it will feel like home soon—if he lets it. And that he can and should tell me if there are problems. With luck, I'm giving him a story that will help him adjust. One that leaves room for him to let me know if there are problems.

I couldn't sleep last night and realized around 2 am that part of what I'm feeling is guilt—that I couldn't give my son everything he needed myself. And I realized that perhaps I've been punishing myself for that “sin.” More stories. Stories about what kind of mother I “should” be and stories about how I should treat myself if I fall short.

The irony is that by doing so I made myself less resilient and I had less energy to do things that might make the transition easier for my son. I realized that if I did things that made me happy, I'd probably be over my cold by now and I'd have more energy and more creativity with which to reassure him. And I'd be happier. Win win.

Which took me back to the story our culture tells us about life—that we have to suffer if we make mistakes, that we shouldn't be too happy, that if we fail to meet expectations we have no right to be happy, etc. At least, that's the culture I suspect many of us grew up in. And I know it's false. In my writing classes and coaching I teach that finding the easiest way, the way that brings us joy is actually the most effective. That's true in writing and it's true in life—even if it did take me way too long to figure it out!

When we are happy, when we accept ourselves, then we can be open to feedback and advice. When we are happy, when we accept ourselves, we are likely to have the energy and desire to help others—and to be able to accept them as they are. When we are happy, when we accept ourselves, then we are most likely to be able to be the kind of person that best fits our values, to live our lives in good and honorable ways.

But somehow I forgot. Not consciously but on the level I didn't realize I was making these assumptions and creating the sense of guilt for myself. As I say so often, IT IS THE ASSUMPTION WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WE'RE MAKING THAT TRIPS US UP.

So....today I'll make a conscious effort to do things that make me happy and focus on the good things in my life. And remind myself of all the reasons this change in my son's life IS a good one. Not that I'll stop checking with him that everything is okay and letting him know he can tell me if there's a problem. But I'll remind myself of all the reasons I came away from the group home knowing what a fabulous opportunity this is for my son. I'll try to notice the stories I'm telling myself and let go of them—especially the ones that don't serve me (or my son) well.

Here's hoping all of you are able to see the blessings in YOUR lives and find ways to be happy—every day! Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Stories

2008-11-24T14:42:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot this week about stories. Not the kind I write, but the stories we tell ourselves about other people's words and actions. We can't help it—that's what people do, we try to make sense of things and we do it by making guesses about what the other person might have meant by what they said or did. Or we tell ourselves stories about how people OUGHT to treat us.

The problem is that so often we make the mistake of assuming these stories are truth. This is a problem because the stories we tell ourselves are often what determine how we feel and how we act toward others. And how we act toward others, in turn helps determine the stories they tell themselves and therefore how they treat us. Which means it's easy to get into a downward spiral if we—and they—tend to tell negative stories.

Even worse, the stories we tell ourselves are often based in our own fears about ourselves. It may never occur to the other person to see us as stupid but we may tell ourselves a story that assumes they do—IF that's one of our fears. On the other hand, if being stupid is NOT one of our fears then even if the other person IS trying to say we are, we either won't hear it or we won't care. Because we know on such a deep level it isn't true. But any time we tell ourselves a negative story that touches on one of our fears about ourselves we are reinforcing that fear and making ourselves unhappy—while the other person goes on their merry way.

That's the thing. The stories we tell ourselves rarely have any impact on how the other person feels—but they have a huge impact on how WE feel.

I've been thinking about this as I watch people—including myself—prepare for Thanksgiving and I listen to the stories being told. I hear expectations of being treated badly or anticipation of levels of harmony that aren't likely to play out. I find myself wondering what would happen if each of us just went forward. No stories, just waiting to see what happens. Maybe WE would act differently—and therefore get different results. Maybe WE would think of new ways to respond if someone did treat us with disrespect. Maybe it would free up our energy to be able to either ignore trouble or to walk away from it—or to choose new traditions entirely.

There is something I heard Wayne Dyer say: What you think of me is none of my business.

How much of our energy goes into worrying what others think of us? What if, instead, we could use that energy to do things that would let us like ourselves better? What if we were able to see people as they are—not in terms of whether or not they will validate us?

It's an interesting experiment, stepping back from the stories we tell ourselves and just...being. Just letting events unfold—rather than trying to anticipate them. I know this is a tough exercise for anyone who has lived in an abusive situation. Survival often meant being hyper alert and anticipating possible (probable?) dangers and situations. If, however, we no longer live in such situations, we might be better served by letting go of those defense mechanisms in most situations NOW.

I think it's going to be an interesting week. I'm trying to let go of the stories I tend to tell myself and see what happens when I do. I'm looking forward to discovering the ways my life will get better because of this new approach to life and my interactions with others. I realize, you see, what it's cost me to tell myself these stories in the past. There is real power in switching our focus from surviving/getting through a situation and in asking ourselves instead: What could make this a great experience for me?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Brothers

2008-11-17T09:17:00.000-08:00

I know I'm behind posting. Blame a bad cold to start with. Add to that contact with my brothers for the first time in a long time. One brother's house burned down. He and his family are okay but the house is a total loss. It is strange to feel all the emotions this evokes.

I grew up feeling responsible for this brother. Stopped my mother from throwing him against the wall when he was an infant and I was about 3 years old. Gave him the attention no one else in the family did. Only to have him side with my older brother at the worst of times.

I know my brothers were as trapped as I was. They made very different choices than I did about how to handle that reality. And to this day that hurts—and makes me wary of them, deservedly so or not.

I hurt for my brother and the loss he has suffered—even though I know he has a community of people who can and will help him. I ended up talking to my other brother because he, too, was concerned when neither of us could at first reach our brother to see if he and his family were okay and whether or not their home was.

I find myself still protective enough of my brother(s) not to want to specify what went wrong as we were growing up even as I know I'll never be able to trust either of them even now. I find myself angry that in many ways they have happier, more prosperous lives than I do given the past. I find myself thinking that while I do not want to be capable of making some of the choices they did, perhaps I can look at how they were able to get to where they are and whether there is anything positive I can use without violating my own core set of values.

It is strange feeling this empathy for my brother at the same time that I feel wariness and remember hurt. I am grateful I can feel that empathy. It is the lack of that capability that allowed my abusers to do what they did. I want to be someone capable of loving and caring about even those who have hurt me. (Though I am NOT going to choose to put myself in possible harms way just because I do!)

More to mull over as I drink hot tea and try to convince my poor dog that today is NOT a good day for me to take her for a walk in the windy cold outside.....

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))) to all of you,
April_optimist

Who Am I Now, pt. 2

2008-11-09T12:45:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking more about this and truly appreciate everyone who has taken the time to comment on my last post.

I find myself thinking that part of the problem is the definition I have of survivor of abuse. The image I carry in my head that I don't even consciously know I do. And I'm thinking that maybe what I need to do is redefine that label—just as I've redefined other major labels in my life in recent years.

Part of it is trying to decide where to put my energy and focus. Trying to figure out what my sense of responsibility is telling me to do—and how that fits with where I would put my energy and focus if this wasn't part of my life.

I find myself looking for change in all sorts of areas of my life. I took off the slipcover on the couch so that it went from dark green to lightly patterned beige. I'm looking for curtains for a couple of rooms in my house—after being perfectly happy with just blinds for the past couple of years since I moved in here. I'm rethinking how I fix my hair and the clothes I wear. I adopted my dog just a couple of months ago. I find myself even changing what I choose to eat.

In other words, it's not just the question of being a survivor—and how I define that and how “visible I do or don't want to be. I seem to be redefining myself—and my living space—in lots of ways, without knowing why or where it's taking me.

I catch myself thinking: I can't, I can't. I stop and remind myself that probably I can—no matter what it is—that I have been very successful in the past in a number of areas.

I catch myself scolding myself for some mistake made in the past—and have to remind myself that it wasn't a disaster and was part of the learning process.

I find myself calling in my mind to people who have helped me in the past—wishing they could give me answers now. And I remind myself that mostly they listened and I figured things out myself. I remind myself that the choices I regret most are the times I didn't listen to my instincts—especially when I listened to the advice of others instead.

So I'm changing. That's a good thing. I'm just not sure where it's taking me—or why it's happening now. In terms of the question of being a survivor, I suppose I need to stop thinking of it as all or nothing and perhaps ask myself instead: How can I incorporate this identity into my writing and life in a whole new way? What options haven't I thought of? How can I use the positives to give me greater confidence than if none of it had ever happened?

Bear with me as I explore possibilities. I hope that each of you are having epiphanies of your own as you make your journeys—and discovering reasons to smile and laugh and know your own strength and capabilities.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Who Am I Now?

2008-11-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

For a while now, I've been asking myself the question: Who am I now? By what labels will I define myself? Which old labels am I ready to let go of? And as I ask myself those questions, I keep coming back to the biggie: Do I want to still define myself as a survivor of abuse?

It doesn't impact my life on a daily basis any more. It doesn't trigger shame or guilt—any more. It doesn't determine my self image or expectations for what I can do—any more. And yet....there is a part of me that says it's important so that I can stand for how far we survivors can come. So that I can speak to how deep the scars can go in children who are abused. That part of me says that if I stop seeing myself as a survivor, I'm abandoning other survivors.

So why not just keep calling myself a survivor? I'm not sure. On some level I worry that despite my denials, I am limiting myself in some ways by seeing myself in those terms—as a survivor who was deeply scarred even if those scars have pretty much healed now.

So I don't know. Do we ever stop calling ourselves survivors? Why or why not? I'd really like to hear all your thoughts on this.

There was a time I thought I'd write a book about surviving abuse. Now I'm not so sure it matters—that what I have to say would be of enough interest to anyone. There was a time I thought I could be a positive example for other survivors—now I wonder if that's just hubris because each of us has to find our own way out of the pain and past. I used to wonder if I had to make my experience mean something and now I wonder if it's enough just to be happy and discover where life takes me if I don't see myself in terms of being a survivor.

Note; There was a time when I would have been denying my experience if I had said I wasn't a survivor of abuse and it would have been because I didn't want to face all the memories and emotions and shame and guilt and despair. This is different. I'm at peace with who I am and my life relative to the abuse.

I'm not usually this confused. I don't know where I'm going with all of this. No doubt I'll explore it here as I explore it within myself.

I'd really like to hear your thoughts and how YOU look at this issue.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Fall

2008-10-26T11:58:00.000-07:00

It's finally feeling like Fall here. Of course, here it means highs still in the 70s and lows in the 40s and 50s at night. But it's a change from the heat of summer. Which means I find myself contemplating all sorts of changes now.

Warning: This post may sound Pollyannish. It isn't. It's very pragmatic. This approach is the one thing that's gotten me through incredibly difficult times in my life. If I hadn't looked at life this way, I wouldn't be here. It was the antidote to fears that kept me awake in the early hours of the morning. It was got me unstuck when I was paralyzed by the changes happening to and around me. It's the only thing I've ever found that consistently works no matter what challenge I'm facing. It has turned some of what felt like horrible days into some of the most important and—at least in retrospect—good turning points of my life.

But back to my post about changes. It can feel scary when there are so many changes happening. We've got political changes about to occur. The financial situation feels like it's changing just about every day. A lot of us have family changes taking place, too.

We as individuals get to choose how we will respond to change. Do we dive in and look for opportunities or do we try to hide from it or are we somewhere in between?

Change will happen. We can put our energy into worrying about it or we can put our energy into looking for the opportunities that change will bring us.

That doesn't mean we never grieve for what we're losing! Of course we do. At the same time, though, what if we looked for what could be good about our new situation? That question is a powerful antidote to fear. It's gotten me through some of the most difficult times of my life.

Take the economy, for example. That's scary for a lot of us—and with good reason. There's no question it's a hardship for many people. What about those of us who are not yet desperate—just really worried? What good could we bring out of it? Maybe a closeness to our families as we decide—as families—how we might cut back and ways to manage with less. Maybe we can turn to the elders of the family who lived through the Great Depression for ideas we might not think of ourselves. Maybe it's a chance to rediscover each other. Maybe it's a chance to figure out if there's something we'd rather be doing than our current job. Or maybe there's some other blessing. During the last recession, in one friend's case, being laid off meant she could be there for her mother who shortly after my friend lost her job was diagnosed with a terminal illness. She will be forever grateful that during those few short months before her mother died, she was free to be at her mother's side.

Maybe this financial crisis is a chance to sit down and look at what really matters, what are our true needs and what we've used instead to try to fill emotional needs by buying THINGS instead of facing the emotions.

It's hard to do any of this if we hide our heads in the sand until we hit desperation. But what if we embrace change early on and flow with it? What if we look for what could be good—and then act to bring that good about?

Wishing for all of us the wisdom and creativity to flow with change and grow from it. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

The Week That Got Away From Me

2008-10-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

I've just had one of those weeks that got away from me. You know the kind I mean. Just when you're ready to unwind and relax you remember you have a meeting—and it's one you want to attend. Just as you sit down to write a blog post the phone rings and someone you care about needs help with something. The dog figures out how to pull down the drapes. Or your kid says, “Mom, I think I might have a concussion.”

Everything turns out okay but....the week gets away from you.

In a way it was a blessing. It reminded me to always double check what someone says—rather than just getting upset. It reminded me that much of what I often worry about turns out okay. Why put energy into worrying before I have to? And it reminded me that sometimes it's better to laugh than get angry. (The drapes went right back up with no damage.)

I was reminded that there are all sorts of possible ways to handle things and that there is rarely only one that's right. It reminded me that I can choose which one serves me—and those I love—best rather than automatically acting and reacting as I have in the past.

Here's hoping you're all having great weeks and they're not getting away from you! Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),

April_optimist

Long Week

2008-10-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

It's been a long week and I know I'm overdue to post. Sophy needed medicine again and again it made her nuts. Thank heavens I'd seen online that this was a possible side effect or I'd have really been worried about what I was getting into with her! Once she was off it, she settled right back down again.

And my son is getting nervous about moving into the group home. It's a great group home with a really caring and well trained staff. But understandably he's nervous so I've been fielding lots of calls from him.

My daughter is talking about moving after this year—away from the city where I live. I know she needs to do what's best for her and I am sooooo grateful for the time we've had living near each other but...I'll miss her if she does go. I've been listening to her fears, too, and her elation that so many people seem so eager to help her find the right place. But then she's brilliant and unusual—far more so than she realizes.

My latest writing class....well....fewer students than I hoped are ready to spend the money to take it.

I've also been having dreams—and mine are never subtle. I dream of marriage and in the dream it requires giving up my purse and my luggage (my identity) and discovering the guy is abusive as well. I dream of everyone else eating food (which represents love) and being the only one not to have a seat.

As I said, my dreams are never subtle. They highlight for me assumptions I didn't realize I still have and that I will need to consciously dismantle. Probably by imagining what it might be like if I did have a loving partner who truly valued me.

That's one of the high points of this week, by the way. Researchers have discovered (duh!) that having or being able to imagine something which signifies safety or happiness near one gives a person the incentive to keep going forward and fight depression.

Since I always suggest that we wear clothes that make us feel happy or strong or safe and ditto for wearing jewelry or the objects with which we surround ourselves and since from the time I was a small child I would imagine situations and people where and with whom I would be safe and/or happy....this makes perfect sense to me. As I said above, DUH!!! Who needs research to discover these things? And yet I'm glad for that research. I like the confirmation that I've been on the right track all along.

Normally I'd focus just on this last thing—what we can do to feel better and the proof that it works. But this week I'm tired. This week to let you see that being an optimist doesn't mean there are never any challenges.

So how does one handle all of the above? I look for solutions to the things I can do something about—like the assumptions I still seem to have about relationships. For the things over which I have no control, I ask myself: What good could come out of this? What can I learn from this? What are the changes I might want to make in my life or my interactions with others? Is there something I can do to help make the transition easier for my son? Are there things I want to do with my daughter before she leaves the area? What kind of training do I want to work on with Sophy? If there is any kind of gap in my life, what steps do I want to take to fill it?

In other words, instead of ignoring things or putting energy into feeling like a victim I'm choosing to be proactive. I'm reminding myself that there are always choices—even if they aren't the ones I want the most. And I use my imagination as a way of looking for new possibilities and keeping myself from getting mired in negative emotions. And now there's even research that says that actually works.

Sending all of you blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Laps and Trust

2008-10-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

As Sophy climbed into my lap one more time this week (and she is not a small dog!) I found myself thinking: Don't we all wish, sometimes, that we had a lap to climb into where someone bigger would hold us and make all the problems of the world go away? But just as Sophy isn't really a lapdog, most of us aren't going to be able to find someone who can do that for us either. Which means that we must be the ones to create the lives we want to have and to look at how we want to be in this world NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS OR DOES.

That's both the scary thing and the empowering thing—we have both the ability and the responsibility to make choices about our lives. We have both the ability and the responsibility to choose what we will focus on. We also have both the ability and the responsibility to seek out advice and help when we need it—knowing that ultimately it is we who must choose how we do—or don't—apply that advice and help.

I found myself thinking about that this week as I have watched some friends panicking over the financial crisis. I couldn't help thinking they had waited perhaps too long to ask for advice that might have helped them avoid the personal financial crisis they are in now.

Not that I can point fingers. In fact, I suspect I'm noticing because it reminds me that for far too long I didn't dare let myself believe I needed anyone's advice or help. After all, I had learned early and well that there was no one I could trust better than myself when I was growing up. My family was too dysfunctional and no one outside the family to whom I went for help seemed capable of grasping what I tried to tell them or if they did the advice they gave only made things far worse. Heck, adults were coming to ME for advice—and screwier yet, they were taking it! So if I hadn't believed I could figure it all out myself, I think I would have given up. I would have figured there was no point in even trying. In other words, I'm like many survivors of abuse who grew up trusting only in myself and my own capabilities.

Oh, I learned early how to seek out people who would be somewhat nurturing toward me. But...ultimately I never trusted them to be smart enough to be of help. It took years, far longer than I wish it had, for me to get to the point where I risked asking for help or advice and listening to anyone. It didn't always work out well when I did, but ultimately being willing to try led me to the counselor who saved my life. With his help, I found a way to let go of the past and become who I am now.

There are still moments when I realize I'm pushing away resources that could be useful. There are still moments when I have to remind myself that not everything rests on my shoulders. And then I look at Sophy. As clever as she is, as much of a survivor as she has shown herself to be, her life is happier and more fun because she's willing to let me help her and be part of her life. She's safer because she lets me set boundaries and show her better things to eat than dead birds and bugs and leaves.

It is, as with everything, a question of balance. We cannot abdicate our responsibility for our own lives and at the same time we pay a very high price if we are not willing to listen when that's the appropriate thing to do. We don't need to—and shouldn't—blindly take the advice of others! It is our lives, after all. But we gain if we are willing to learn from others. Wouldn't it be a better world if everyone was?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

Sophy and Challenges

2008-09-25T11:59:00.001-07:00

Yes, I'm still learning from Sophy. One of the things that's clear to me is that while she likes to climb in my lap and she likes hugs and being petted, what she needs from me even more is to have me keep her safe.

I know she'd love to eat dead birds or chase rabbits and birds we find on our daily walks. But that wouldn't be a good idea and could be really bad for her health—especially if she dashed into the road, not understanding how dangerous that could be. Just as I had to keep my kids safe when they were growing up—even if it made them angry with me—I have to keep Sophy safe. What she thinks she wants isn't necessarily good for her.

I also need to be careful not to become hostage to what she wants and needs. I have to remind myself it's okay to take time for myself to do things that are important to me even if she's not happy being left home alone. And gradually she's learning that I always do come home—sometimes sooner than she expects.

I'm learning to let go of some things. To accept that there will occasionally (less and less often now) be “accidents” and that some things might get damaged as she and I learn what limits need to be set and precautions taken. And that ultimately life is sometimes messy but the joy that comes with having Sophy far outweighs these little setbacks.

As the rest of the country seems to spin into panic over the financial situation, Sophy helps me keep focused on the things I can take care of and to let go of what I can't. That's a very useful lesson right now. She reminds me that there's no point in wasting my energy trying to change what I cannot change—whether it's companies failing or Sophy's need to chase birds and rabbits—and to focus on what I can do—whether it's make sure I pay my bills on time or keep her on a short leash when I know there are likely to be rabbits and birds which could cause her to suddenly try to take off chasing them. Doesn't matter how much harder it makes my life that something is happening—the only useful focus for my energy and attention is on what I CAN do to ameliorate the situation.

And she makes me laugh. Every day. Several times a day. She reminds me that no matter what is going on in my life or the world, there are reasons to smile or laugh—if we look for them—and that when we do smile or laugh, it helps to nourish our resilience and ability to cope with those things that might otherwise knock us down.

Here's hoping you have someone or something that makes you laugh every day. And that you are finding ways to do the things you can and to let go of whatever might be out of your control. Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Here is Sophy reminding me that there are some things one just cannot change--no matter how much one wishes one could. Like fitting through an opening that's waaaay too small....

Unexpected Hassle

2008-09-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit behind on everything. I discovered this past weekend that there are things one needs to watch out for with dogs in warm climates that one doesn't worry too much about up north. Sigh It was a weekend of cleaning everything washable and shoveling unpleasant medicine down her throat. But the medicine worked and apparently I caught it right away and we're back on track.

I'm finding—big surprise!—that the more consistent I am, the clearer the boundaries are, the calmer and safer Sophy seems to feel. Gee, does that sound familiar anyone? I've come to realize that efforts to be too soothing and kind can misfire badly so that neither she nor I benefit. Does that sound familiar? She is supposed to be a year or a little over that. Perhaps. But clearly, emotionally she's younger—probably due to being swapped around a different bunch of homes to be fostered so that she still has huge abandonment issues though that's getting better, too. Again, sound familiar anyone?

I'm probably repeating things I've said before. But it's useful to understand that there are consistent patterns because a) it encourages us to look for currently dysfunctional patterns we might be playing out and to create new and healthier patterns in our lives and b) it takes away any guilt that we feel what we feel and need what we need.

Fortunately Sophy seems to be a very quick learner. She's also brave. Even after a bath that left her shaking with fright the whole time, she willingly came back into that bathroom later in the day to see what I was doing. Which means that if things have scared her in the past, she can learn to get past them now and discover they don't always have to be scary. (I'm not saying she'll get to like baths, but I'll bet she doesn't shake nearly as much next time.)

I don't know if I'm making a whole lot of sense. I've had a ton of work suddenly land in my lap this week and that combined with the extra work with Sophy has my head spinning. Hope that all of you are having discoveries of your own and reason for laughter because in the end, the more reasons we find to laugh, the more we realize that NOW we can be happy.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

Hurricane Missed Me

2008-09-14T07:54:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to let anyone know who was worried that Hurricane Ike missed where I am completely. Not even any rain out of it! Meanwhile, I'm dealing with Sophy having stuff she probably picked up in the shelter so...lots of laundry loads, trying to give her a bath and get foul tasting medicine into her and deal with her reaction to said medicine.....

Hope all of you are doing well. Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

9/11 and Hurricanes

2008-09-11T15:09:00.000-07:00

We might be getting a hurricane here. We'll know more a day from now. Meanwhile, it brings back memories of the year my daughter started college. She was trying to pack, her dad and I were frantically trying to keep up with the water seeping into our family room from the hurricane outside, and we didn't know if her flight would even take off in the morning.

A couple of years later, 9/11 hit shortly before my daughter was supposed to go back to college. We had family and friends in NYC. We talked about her options to get out to college if the planes stayed grounded and we talked about life and what mattered and of the grief we felt over all the lives lost in the twin towers.

If the current storm continues to head our way I'll bring in all my potted plants and anything else that could be tossed around by high winds. I'm ready if we have a few days without power.

When I think of 9/11, when I read about or experience things like a hurricane, I remember not just what went wrong, but also the things people do to help each other in such times of crisis.

Every crisis is a chance for each of us to rise above our fears. Each crisis is a chance for us to look at our lives and decide what matters most. May we always remember the lives lost on 9/11 and may we always celebrate the courage and concern for others that we also saw that day.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

More Lessons Sophy is Teaching Me

2008-09-03T14:25:00.000-07:00

You'd think that would be a short list. Well, maybe not if you've ever had a dog. But I'm surprised at how much Sophy is teaching me.

This past weekend my daughter brought a friend with a dog over to meet Sophy. The two dogs got along fairly well though there were some rough spots. At first Sophy was a bit too aggressive then when the other dog snapped at her she got very, very submissive. When my daughter brought out one of Sophy's toys (I'd put them away) for the dogs to play with, Sophy got very, very upset at the idea of the other dog having her toy.

What I realized was that Sophy must have encountered some very aggressive dogs in her short life. And my heart hurt for her—knowing what it's like to not be sure how to interact in ways that are neither too aggressive nor too submissive. It took me longer than I like to remember how to figure out what was appropriate.

I also realized she may never have had anything that was truly hers—that couldn't or wouldn't be taken away from her. I understood what that fear was like, too. And that desperate desire to have some things that were one's own to keep just for oneself.

I understood that cringe reaction when someone's hand came too close and she was afraid she would get hit.

I understood in the way she kept climbing into our laps, her desperate desire to find someone who would represent protection, safety and love and never, ever being abandoned again. And I recognized that desperate desire to please in hopes of gaining that safety.

I bought a retractable leash and discovered she's better on walks now than she was when I used a short fixed leash. She can run ahead or back and explore and keeps coming back to me in between. When she was on a regular leash she always pull too hard, as if afraid otherwise she'd never get a chance to explore all the things she wanted and needed to see and smell.

I don't feel that desperation any more. I know I'm safe. I know that I can have things I love that are mine and if for whatever reason I lose one or more of them that there will be others just as good. I know now how to be at ease with almost anyone. But I remember. And so I am taking care to make sure Sophy can feel safe, can feel loved, can know that her things are hers.

What it did for me was highlight the expectations I once had and echoes of those expectations I might still feel in certain situations. It reminded me that I may still limit myself needlessly at times because of what once was my reality—if I don't consciously challenge the assumptions I still carry inside.

Watching Sophy duck a Frisbee rather than running to catch it, I see how fear robs one of joy one could be having playing.

When Sophy dashes out the front door and into the street before I can catch her, I realize that her fear of being abandoned causes her to do things that put her in harms way—and I am reminded that I need to be sure that a fear of being abandoned doesn't cause me to act equally dangerously.

I know that in the days ahead, the time I'm taking to help Sophy feel safe and secure will pay off. And I am reminded that the time I take to make sure that I feel safe and secure is just as important for me.

Here's hoping all of you are able to find ways to feel safe and secure a little more than you have before. Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))).

April

PS Here's a picture of Sophy in front of the gate she's pulled open at one side....

Sophy and Life

2008-08-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

As Sophy and I learn to live with each other, I find myself thinking what a good match we are—both intelligent and resilient and capable of love despite all odds. And those were very long odds. If there is anyone who can understand her fears of abandonment, it's a survivor like me. If there's any dog who could make me laugh enough to overlook some of the challenges, it's one who can stand up on her hind legs and figure out how to open a sliding patio glass door with her snout and front paws. (I was too startled and laughing too hard to think to take a picture!)

Sophy is reminding me that too much self-sacrifice isn't good for either party.

She is remind me that clear rules and boundaries are easier on everyone.

She is reminding me that play is an important part of the day—all through the day.

She is reminding me that one can be loving and still speak up for oneself whenever necessary.

I'm sure as heck getting more exercise since I got Sophy!

She's reminding me that we can defy the odds. We can choose who we will be no matter what our backgrounds might have been and learn to get past old hurts to trust when trust would seem to be impossible.

Here's hoping you have someone or an animal in your life who reminds you of things like this, too.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

Choosing

2008-08-20T14:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm still delighted with Sophy. I love discovering how clever she can be—and how sweet. We've had a tussle or two over who is alpha but we're getting that sorted out too—in a loving way. Gently. With firm boundaries but not anger. I see her exploring issues of safety and abandonment and am glad that I can provide her the love and safety she deserves.

As I've watched various things happen this past week, I find myself thinking that one good thing about being a survivor is that we are—I think—far more likely to be willing to question our own assumptions and to look for ways to grow and stretch our comfort zones.

I have watched my ex-husband's family fuss about my daughter coming to visit her grandmother and have talked with her about how we cannot change anyone—we can only choose who we want to be and act in ways that are consistent with what we value most. We've talked about not letting the ideas of others limit us and stepping back, taking a deep breath and trusting that we will find solutions.

I've watched my daughter play with Sophy and seen what comfort that brings both of them.

I've talked with friends who are going through difficult moments and reminded myself of the costs of being dogmatic and angry and the power in being willing to let go of those things and trust that each day the path will reveal itself.

As I've interacted with Sophy and looked for ways to successfully integrate her into my life, I've noticed that when I start to get upset, it all gets worse and when I am willing instead to let go and love, I can figure out what will work best—for both of us.

There is power in choosing who we want to be and how we want to live our lives. There is comfort in knowing we are living in a way that is consistent with what we most value.

Now for a Sophy story. You knew there was going to be one, didn't you? Today I left Sophy alone for an hour—the longest since I brought her home. Put her in a room with a gate at the doorway. Came home to be greeted AT THE DOOR by Sophy. The clever girl had figured out how to pull the gate open on one side (it's only pressure mounted) and slip through the opening. Now since there were no accidents and she hadn't gotten into or damaged anything, I wasn't as upset as I might have been. If anything, I have to keep from laughing at how clever she is. She was extremely pleased with herself, I might add, and who could blame her?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

My New Dog

2008-08-13T11:49:00.001-07:00

Well, I have my new dog. Since she came from a shelter, there's no way to be sure what her parentage might be. She's probably about a year old and weighs 45 pounds—bigger than I thought.

I grew up with dogs. At times they were my greatest refuge. At the shelter they told me this one is “needy.” Maybe. She did want to play at 4 am. On the other hand, maybe what she needs is just to know she's safe. She's lying on her fleece blanket sleeping as I type.

One of the good things about adopting a 1 yr old dog is that she's pretty much housebroken. I've housebroken puppies before and am just as glad not to have to deal with that this time.

It's odd to have to change how I do things. And a part of me resists that. But another part of me is glad knowing that it's really important to shuffle our schedules and do things new ways. Plus it's sooooo soothing to pet a dog! And nice to get unconditional love. I have no doubt that in a week or two we'll settle in nicely and I'll know how long I can leave her alone and how much exercise she needs and she'll know what she can do and what she can't.

After waiting what seems like forever, everything happened very fast.

Here's hoping you have some unconditional love in your life this week! Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

Silences

2008-08-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

First, no word yet on adopting the dog. Silence there.

Second, my daughter (and I) just found out her grandmother (my ex-mother-in-law) has Alzheimer's. No one told the grandkids. Don't ask me why. My daughter is scrambling to find a way to go visit her grandmother before classes start in the fall. And furious that no one told her sooner. The family seems surprised she thinks it's a big deal or that she wants to come and see her grandmother NOW.

Silences. No matter what the reason, silences hurt. It's too easy to misunderstand why no one spoke or shared information. It's upsetting not to be given the option to act—because one didn't know what was going on.

Silences hurt when no one tells about abuse.

Silences hurt when there is a secret that keeps someone from helping or spending time with a person who is slipping away.

Silences hurt when no one knows why.

Silences hurt even when no harm is meant.

It's easy to recognize the silences that hurt US. The greater challenge is to recognize those silences on our part that may hurt others. Sometimes we think it's a kindness. Or we're afraid we'll say the wrong thing. Or maybe we just feel overwhelmed.

This week has been a reminder for me that regardless of our reasons, silences can hurt. Sometimes silences ARE necessary. I know that all too well. It's just good to be consciously aware of the choices we make and the potential pitfalls when it comes to silences.

Here's hoping there are no hurtful silences in your lives now or ever again. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Dogs and Emotions

2008-08-04T12:18:00.000-07:00

You wouldn't think getting a dog would bring up so many emotions. Well, one expects emotions such as excitement, some concern about what having a dog will entail, etc. I found something else, though, when I started seriously looking for a dog to adopt over the past week or two.

I'd been thinking about it for some time. I assumed I wanted a collie or a sheltie but kept thinking it wouldn't be fair to the dog when the summers get so hot here. (We've already had over 40 days where the high was over 100 degrees this summer and since it's only the beginning of August we can expect quite a few more. Dearly as I love collies and shelties I can't help but feel it would be selfish of me to have one here.) But...maybe. Did I want to find a breeder or rescue a dog from a shelter? There were financial, ethical and breed specific issues to consider.

I started looking. The only dog I found that I liked—and she is such a sweetheart!—is probably a spaniel pointer mix. (Maybe. Since she's in a shelter, no one knows for sure.) Great! Except...it threw me. I found all kinds of emotions welling up. When I stepped back, I realized that having collies is tied up in my mind/emotions with the situations I was in when I had them. My collies were my refuge then and there were reasons they were the only kind of dog my family would consider.

Not getting a collie meant challenging assumptions I'd had for so long—and didn't realize I had.
Not getting a collie also meant letting go of that part of my life and stepping into new possibilities. Which should have been a no brainer GOOD thing! But our minds seem to be wired to fear new possibilities—at least mine is. I had to consciously choose to remind myself that this could be great in terms of freeing my mind to see lots of things in a new way.

Not getting a collie felt like betraying the ones I'd once had—especially once I admitted to myself that they hadn't been perfect and/or that maybe I didn't want some of the challenges that go with caring for a collie.

I went 3 times to look at the dog. The first two times it was as if I was afraid to let myself get attached to her. And yet...in so many ways she's a perfect choice. There's something about her. She's a sweetheart. Even though she comes from a shelter, she was fostered for 6 months (since she was a puppy) so she's socialized to a large degree. She's trained to walk with the person holding her leash—rather than tugging them over (the way my collies sometimes used to do). She's not too large, she's not too small. She has the calmest temperament of any dog I've ever owned. And did I mention that I can take her for walks without her trying to pull me over?

But I wanted to be sure I'd truly fall in love with her—because every dog deserves to be loved. I waited to be sure I could welcome her with joy into my life.

And now I've finally put in the application. Assuming it gets approved, I may have her home by this time next week. (They will spay, microchip, test and vaccinate her before I get to take her home. That's AFTER they process my application and assuming they approve it.)

I didn't expect the emotional stuff all of this brought up. At the same time, I'm thrilled to be able to let go of leftover limiting beliefs I didn't know I had. I share this with all of you because knowing that things can bring up unexpected emotions when we least expect it makes it easier to cope—at least for me—when they do. And hey, you're my friends so I figure it's good to share my happiness with you, too! And I am happy that soon—I hope!— I'll be bringing home my new dog.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

Getting Over Emotional Hangovers

2008-07-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

Jumping in Puddles asked a great question: How do we bounce back from emotional hangovers?

The first step is recognizing this is what's happening and that we don't have to feel this way—we have a choice.

Second step is doing what I call emotional aerobics. This means:

1)Reminding ourselves of every situation we have been able to handle, every success of our lives, every strength we have, every reason that exists for us to believe we can cope with what is happening.

2)Doing things that make us smile and therefore reminding ourselves that NO MATTER W HAT we can have moments of joy in our lives.

3)Asking what good could come out of the situation.

When we do these things we are reminding ourselves that we are not hostages to anyone else or any events in our lives ANY MORE. It is how we choose to handle the challenges that arise in our lives that determines the quality of our lives.

I know that's hard to believe when we're in the middle of a difficult situation. Believe me, it took conscious effort and daily aerobic emotional exercises to cope with the chaos of my visit back to NJ. And even so it took me a week to shake off all the effects—in large part because until the emotional hangover lifted, I didn't even recognize that was what was going on. Even so, doing the 3 steps above made a huge difference.

I didn't get mired in fear based thinking. I didn't retreat to old behavior patterns with my ex or with my son. I didn't give in to depression. I did manage to find some things to bring back with me. I did manage to be upbeat with my son and set appropriate limits. I did manage to cope with the crises that kept arising—without getting drawn into doing things my ex asked me to do that are no longer appropriate (like finding and buying 4 new tires for his car).

Remembering that we DO have choices, that we can create moments of joy, that we can choose how we respond to situations is immensely powerful AND the key to bouncing back from emotional hangovers.

Here's hoping all of you keep bouncing back from any emotional hangovers you might be facing! Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))).

April_optimist
'
PS Check out what Keepers has done with some of the sayings from my Survivor's Manifesto!

Emotional Hangovers

2008-07-24T07:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I've figured it out. Emotional hangovers last about one week after I get back from NJ and dealing with my ex and the old house. One week to shake off those patterns into which I sometimes fall. One week to shake off the self-doubt and depression. One week to remember who I am NOW and how good my life is NOW. One week to shake off the regrets and self-recriminations.

Now I can get back to my work whole heartedly. Now I can put my mind to really looking at what I want to do and have in my life. One week to be back to laughing and feeling good.

Whew!

What triggers YOUR emotional hangovers—and how long does it take YOU to get over them?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Hopes and Dreams and Fears

2008-07-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

One of my deepest fears for my son, when he was born, was that he would end up in an institution where he would be abused. His behavior issues in the past ten years woke fears I'd once put to rest. So....you can imagine the mix of emotions I felt when I went to look at the group home while I was in NJ last week.

It was wonderful. It was everything I could hope for, for my son. It is a place where he can be safe and grow and let go of old habits as he gains new ones that might actually serve him well. No matter how good a mother I could be, I can't give him the opportunities he will have there. It was good to be able to put aside that fear.

Now...hopes and dreams. A friend of mine likes to say that hopes and dreams die last. I thought I'd put mine to rest. And this visit sure reaffirmed I was right to divorce my ex. But....I came back grieving. Grieving for the knowledge that I can't grow old with the person who watched our children grow up with me, the father of those children, a person with whom I shared my life for 30 years. Even if I find someone else, that person won't know those years, those challenges, those triumphs and the moments of despair.

It's painful to grieve. It would be worse to pretend I didn't feel these things. Knowing and grieving will let me move on to the next phase of my life more completely than if I didn't.

Let me be clear: I do NOT feel sorry for myself! I had the courage and wisdom to get out. I had the skill to do so in a way that left me options. There just was this piece of grieving that I didn't know still needed to be done.

So I'm back home. I'm catching up on things I couldn't do while I was gone. I've been grieving and now I'm starting to look forward rather than back. Because now I can. I have choices. I have time and space to work on creating the life I want to have. Including maybe getting a dog—though I haven't found the right one yet.

But I move cautiously. It would be part of my nature to do so even if there hadn't been so much abuse in my life in various forms. I am wary of old patterns. I am still feeling out what it is I want—and what it is I believe I can have. And I am rewriting any beliefs I discover that no longer serve me.

Here's hoping you are all rewriting the beliefs that no longer serve you—and discovering what could make YOU happy. Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),

April_optimist

Realizations

2008-07-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

Some things I realized this past week. Some are liberating. Some make me cringe—except better to have the self-awareness and know so that I can be on guard against playing out those patterns in the future.

I wanted safe. I married my ex because he wasn't intimidating. Only there isn't much safe about someone who lets you drive on the freeway after midnight in a car where the tire was down to 12 pounds of pressure earlier in the day. Or who creates constant chaos. (Did I mention he also “forgot” to tell me about the broken pipe in the laundry room and I discovered it when my son did laundry and the floor flooded?)

I also tried to be the "easy" wife. No drama, no hassles, only a partner who would be of value. I didn't realize he'd value me less, not more because I did.

When I was married, there was a payoff in the chaos. People felt sorry for me and angry on my behalf. And I felt safer because if I didn't want to do something I could use the chaos as an excuse.

I want and need calm in my life. I no longer want chaos.

I can walk away from the house knowing I was wise not to try to keep it.

I know that even if I were the best mother in the world, there are things my son will gain by being in the group home that I could not have given him.

I know that had I gotten custody, my son would not get into a group home for several more years—if ever.

I was reminded how much happier I am where I am now than where I was living for so long.

I can watch my ex with his girlfriend and be happy they found each other. And know that I feel no regrets over choosing to walk away.

I only had a chance to contact one or two old friends. Even in these friendships, I could see patterns I am choosing not to repeat in new friendships here. They were what they had to be when I was married, but as I change, as I grow I can choose different friends and healthier friendships.

It is neither wise nor useful to see myself as having been a martyr. There were choices I could have made. I didn't make them because I was too afraid. Trying to be safe is sometimes the most dangerous thing we can do.

In the midst of all this, a friend died unexpectedly. She hadn't even been sick. I got back here in time for the funeral yesterday. It was a reminder to LIVE, really live—not just endure.

My daughter is coming over for lunch tomorrow. She wants to help me find a dog to adopt. I will cherish the time we spend together and be grateful for her presence here in town while she gets her PhD. And I will know that the best gift I can give her is to see that at any age one can make new choices, at any age one can change and grow, at any age one can create a healthier and happier life.

Here's hoping that each of you are creating the lives YOU want to have.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Theater of the Absurd

2008-07-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

It's pouring rain which means the carpeted family room is about to start flooding.

There's no umbrella in the house and my son has to get to the bus to get to his day program.

The downstairs toilet is overflowing any time water goes down the drain in any other part of the house.

And my ex isn't answering his cell phone so I can ask:
a) Where are the umbrellas?
b) What plumber does he use to clear out the drain from the street to the house.

Add to that not telling me the tire on the car was low on air and you have a pretty good picture of what my life was like all the time for close to 30 years. I call it the theater of the absurd.

Now, one way or another I'll manage. I always did. If I can't find out what plumber my ex uses I'll just go down the list in the yellow pages. (Though a plumber who knows the recurring problem would save time.) The tire got plugged. If need be I'll drive my son to his program. And to hell with the carpet flooding, if it comes to that.

As I said, this gives you an idea of what my life was like for so many years.

I am so grateful that it is only occasionally that I have to deal with this kind of chaos any more. It reminds me how and why I felt overwhelmed for so many years. It reminds me, too, of old patterns and the need not to fall into them again.

Being a martyr isn't nearly as useful as taking action to deal with whatever one needs to deal with—AND getting away from someone who creates perpetual chaos. (Not having the problems in the first place beats the sympathy one gets from having to cope with chaos.)

I no longer assume the problem is me (because who would be crazy enough to do this kind of stuff....I MUST be missing something).

I don't waste time trying to analyze his motives. Doesn't matter. He is who he is and not likely to change. If there's something to deal with, I deal with it.

I give voice to my unhappiness now—rather than trying to smooth things over or pretend they don't matter. These things do matter. I matter.

I CAN MAKE CHOICES. I can make choices about how I handle things now, while I'm here, and I can make choices about what I will do in the future.

And in a couple of days I can go home. Away from the chaos.

What is YOUR theater of the absurd and what choices could you make that would make your life easier or better? What are the patterns you might want to change about how you act and react to situations?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist

Alice in Wonderland

2008-07-11T06:56:00.001-07:00

When I go back to the old house to see my son, I never manage to successfully anticipate the form the weirdness will take. It makes for...interesting visits and I always feel like Alice in Wonderland. Well, except when I feel like Sisyphus trying to roll the boulder up the hill, over and over again....

This visit is no exception. As I like to say, my ex has been very good about making sure I couldn't possibly second guess my decision to divorce him.

That said, it's interesting to see how, each time I visit, I'm less likely to get sucked into the chaos. I'm quicker to recover after I get sand bagged. I'm more able to say to my ex: No, I won't do that for you. I'm less likely to freak out and start screaming: Are you out of your freaking mind?????

Ahem. Sorry about that. Seriously, it's always a good reality check for any fantasy “what ifs?” that I might have been having. It's a reminder that things really were as chaotic as I remember. It's a reminder that while I might wish all I want that things had been different, there's no way they were going to be. NOT because he or I were bad people but because the dynamic between us was destructive to both of us. Even the counseling we tried couldn't change that.

And seeing my son and trying to work with him, reminds me why the fantasy of how I wish things could have been with him wasn't going to happen either.

In any case, it's all a reminder that one can't go back, we can only go forward. We can only ask ourselves:

What's the best choice I can make NOW, in THIS moment?

How can I be the person I want to be in THIS moment?

What do I want to accomplish? What's the best way to do that—if it's possible?

All we have is THIS moment. And in this moment we have the power to choose who we will be. NOW. We can't control the outcome of what we do or how anyone else will act or react. We can choose whether or not we will act in alignment with our highest values.

One of my highest values is love and empathy—perhaps because those who abused me were so self-focused. What I have come to know is that it's okay to be loving AND protective of myself as well. Being loving does not have to equal being a doormat! Knowing that I can protect myself means I don't have to scream at my ex when he fails to be protective. (As in discovering he had me drive his car alone with my son after midnight on a freeway when he knew a tire might be very, very low on air.)

So I will spend this week with my son, loving him and helping him get emotionally ready for the group home. I will let go—as much as I can—of how I wish things had been. And I will honor how far we've all come. (And catch up on reading blogs when I get back home.)

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((hugs)))))),

April_optimist

Claiming Our Power

2008-07-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

We survivors are accustomed to thinking of ourselves as victims. And we were. But....what if....we have more power NOW than we ever realized?

No, I'm not crazy! Really! I swear it! Mind you, had anyone said that to me ten years ago, I'd have run the other way—sure they were making fun of me or crazy or totally out of touch with my reality. And yet, today, I really believe it's true.

What do I mean and how can it possibly be true for all of us?

1) We have the power to choose how we think about situations in our lives.
We can choose to look for the good we can bring out of every situation in which we find ourselves. We do not have to just think about what's bad about the situation. And in looking at the good we can bring out of it, we empower ourselves to move forward.

2) We have the power to choose how we will respond—or to choose not to do so.
We can consciously choose whether we will fight or talk or take quiet action. We do not have to keep playing out old patterns or react to life. We can choose to be pro-active.

3) We have the power to decide we will believe—about ourselves and the world around us.
We took in messages, growing up and because of the abuse that probably do not serve us very well any longer. We can choose to challenge any that hold us back from becoming who we want to be and having the kind of life we want to have. We do not have to hold onto the shame and guilt. We can place it where it belongs—with our abusers.

4) We have the power to choose how we see ourselves.
We can choose to see ourselves as strong, capable, competent, wonderful, joyful human beings.

What if all of that is true? What if we really do have that kind of power? Then we go from being victims to being thrivers.

That can be a scary thought if being a victim has had any kind of emotional or real world payoff for us. And yet, if we choose to see ourselves as powerful, capable human beings then possibilities open up for us. We are likely to draw into our lives emotionally healthier people than before. People who can love and support us and see us as the wonderful human beings we really are.

If it's too hard to see these things as true NOW for you, try it as a What If game. What IF I had the power to choose....? What if I could be strong and capable and able to choose my reality?

I know that as I go to stay with my (down syndrome) son this week I will keep asking myself: What if it all works out wonderfully well? What if I am able to let go and say good-bye to a house that once held so many hopes and dreams for me? What if I am able to be strong enough to truly wish happiness for my ex-husband and all that is happening for him now? What if I am wise enough to know the right things to say and do with my son so that his transition to group housing does go smoothly? What if I am fully aware of how much stronger and wiser I am than I ever knew when I was still married?

Every survivor's blog I visit, no matter how much pain is on the page or how evident the feelings of helplessness sometimes, I also see incredible strength and resilience and a beautiful spirit. It's time for all of us to claim that wonderful truth—that no matter what anyone has ever told us about ourselves, we are joyful, beautiful, courageous and wonderful spirits here in this world and we are profoundly fortunate to have the internet so that we can connect with each other.

Wishing for each of you a true sense of your very real power—this week and always. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Who Am I?

2008-06-30T13:44:00.000-07:00

I suspect that's not a question we ask ourselves very often. We are far more likely to focus on who we think we should be. I wonder how many of us have ever sat down and written out who we are, what we like, etc. If we haven't, I suspect it's because we're afraid that we won't like what we discover or that it won't be good enough.

I still remember my shock, a few years ago, after my divorce, when I realized that my ex-husband's opinions notwithstanding, maybe it was okay to like using an automatic coffee maker!

What if we started with the proposition that whoever we are is okay and that our job is to figure out how to create a life that supports and empowers who we are—not who we think we should be? What if we asked what sort of schedule would best suit our natural body rhythms? Our preferences for working alone vs with others? What if we asked ourselves whether we liked creative freedom or being told what to do? What if we asked ourselves what kind of people we LIKED to be around? What if we asked ourselves what level of intimacy suited us? What if we asked ourselves what would make us happy?

What if we truly believed there were no right or wrong answers—only information that could let us create happy, productive lives?

What if....?

As a writer, I ask myself that question all the time about the lives of my characters. But it's an equally powerful question to ask about my own life. In my writing, I can't know what will work with a character until I know who they are and how they feel and what is going to suit them and what won't—no matter how much they try to make something fit that won't. In my own life, I'm trying to step back and figure out exactly who I am and what best suits me—rather than doing what I did for so many decades which was to try to be who I thought I should be and who other people wanted me to be.

This may sound like a selfish thing to do but in the end it gives the greatest odds that we and the people we bring into our lives may actually be able to be happy.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),

April_Optimist

A Survivor's Manifesto

2008-06-23T08:48:00.000-07:00

Survivor's Manifesto

I'm in one of those moods so here's my Survivor's Manifesto. If I repeat myself, it's intentional:

1) Don't judge where I am. You don't know where I started or how complicated my journey has been.

2) Don't pity me or assume I'm fragile or flawed. I may very well be stronger, more resilient, courageous and creative than you are.

3) Respect the courage it took to survive.

4) Respect the resilience I've shown becoming who I am in spite of the abuse or trauma I experienced.

5) Respect the creativity and intelligence I used to survive.

6) Expect the best of me AND believe that ultimately I can do anything I choose to do—including fully heal.

7) Don't assume my emotions are a flaw.

8) Laugh with me.

9) Don't give glib answers or ideas. I KNOW deep down what I need to do next.

10) Don't freak out on me, no matter how horrible it was, I DID survive.

11) Don't minimize what happened or ask me if I want a book on Christian forgiveness. If it felt
bad to me it was. I'll forgive if and when I'm ready to do so.

12) Set limits that protect you and understand that sometimes I won't know what those limits should be—BUT I CAN LEARN.

13) Accept the boundaries I set. You can negotiate but don't cross those boundaries unless I agree.

14) Understand that I won't tolerate bullies.

15) What matters is not what you intend but how it feels to me.

16) I'm not a patsy. I may go extra far to be nice and keep things calm, but try to take advantage too much or disrespect me and I'm gone.

17) I'm just as smart, courageous and resilient as you are and maybe more so.

18) Just because you don't get it doesn't mean I'm wrong!

19) I'm always questioning my assumptions and working to change and improve my life—are you? If not, don't ever be condescending or act as if you're superior to me!

20) If you want my trust EARN IT!

21) Just because you don't want to believe it could happen to nice people or in families like yours doesn't mean I should stop telling the truth.

22) Treat me with respect. I don't care who you are or what your credentials might be or what success you have achieved in life. I'll stack my courage, resilience, strength and creativity against yours any day.

23) I am the expert on who I am and what I need. You may not believe that and sometimes what I say or do might contradict what you think you know but there is no way you can have as complete access to who I am and what has happened to me as I do. TRUST ME.

24) Trust me to know what I need to do next.

25) Trust that I am doing the best I can every day of my life.

26) Trust that I can and will heal.

27) Trust that finding joy in my life is the surest way to my creating a happy, healthy life—NOT scolding or blaming or otherwise feeling bad.

28) If you want to help, TRUST ME.

29) If you want to help, BELIEVE IN ME.

30) If you want to help, encourage me to see my successes and strengths NOT focus on my weaknesses.

31) Never, ever encourage me to wallow in my pain! I don't care how angry I get, remind me again that you believe in me and that you believe I can heal NO MATTER HOW BAD THE PAST MAY HAVE BEEN.

32) What seem to you like weaknesses may actually be the foundation of my strengths.

33) Treat me with respect and kindness and trust and look for the best in me because that is what every human being deserves.

Wishing for each of you reading this post respect, kindness, trust, and people who believe in YOU.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

Father's Day

2008-06-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

I realized at a very early age that I was going to have to look for parenting role models outside my family. I knew even as a young child that neither of my parents were who I wanted to be like when I grew up. And over the decades I found myself making note of those qualities I thought made a good parent—and tried to adopt as many as I could as I raised my children.

Some of the qualities of a good father (or mother, for that matter...):

1) Sees and nurtures the best in the child—and helps the child build on those strengths.

2) Encourages the child to believe in him or herself.

3) Loves deeply and gives of himself AND sets good limits on the child's behavior.

4) Helps out the child whenever it's a good idea AND knows when to step back and allow the child to discover what he or she can do on his/her own.

5) Admits mistakes and knows how to apologize.

6) Cheers on a child's success AND knows that surviving failure can be just as important and sometimes more so and helps the child know that failure is NOT the end of the world but only a beginning to the next steps forward.

7) Teaches the child financial responsibility, how to handle credit and the value of deferred gratification.

8) Reads and reads to his child and encourages a love of learning—whether book learning or life skills.

9) Encourages a child to be true to him or herself AND to think about others as well.

10) Sets an example of moderation in all things.

11) Is willing to be silly and play like a child.

12) Is willing to be a grownup and make the hard decisions when that's what's called for.

13) Cares enough to set limits and hold to them.

14) Shows the child how to be as safe as possible in a sometimes uncertain world AND encourages that child to LIVE, really LIVE even if that sometimes entails risks.

15) Understands that the harm a parent does goes far deeper than any harm anyone else can do just as the good is better than anyone else can do--AND HE CHOOSES TO DO THE GOOD.

I have known some wonderful men in my life. It wasn't just luck—I looked for them. Because I knew that I didn't want to live afraid or believing that every man would be abusive or hurt me. I am profoundly grateful to those men who helped me feel safe or helped me to grow to become the person I am now. Some of those men have done both. Some have been friends or married to friends and it was/is a joy to watch how loving some relationships can be.

Today I honor all those men who have been truly loving fathers—or tried their best to be.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),

April_optimist

Questions

2008-06-09T09:23:00.000-07:00

When I teach writing classes, I always tell students that the most important factor in the success of writing is the quality of the questions we ask ourselves before we begin. The same thing is true in life with any challenge we face. It was true this past week as I was making a dress for my daughter to wear to a friend's wedding and it's true for me in looking at the changes ahead for my son—and by extension my ex-husband and myself. The result in my daughter's case is that she has a dress she says is the nicest thing she's ever owned. The result in the situation with my son is that I can look at the situation, look at my emotions and acknowledge what I'm feeling without being overwhelmed by it, and I can look ahead to see ways I might be able to make the process go more smoothly for all of us.

It begins with being honest with myself about what I feel. It means acknowledging the emotions I wish I didn't have as well as celebrating what's good about the whole situation. It means looking head on at guilt and grief and asking myself whether or not the feelings are useful, based on valid or erroneous assumptions, and asking myself what I can do to address them.

When I was telling a friend about the upcoming changes, I found myself saying to her: I thought I'd have more time to figure out how to be the mother I wish my son could have had.

Think about the layers of emotion in THAT statement—many of which my gut reaction is to run from! But by stepping back and looking at those layers, letting myself feel whatever I feel, I can begin to take it apart, level by level. If guilt surfaces, I can look at ways I was a superb mother to my son—and acknowledge where his father might have had the greater strengths. I can look at the assumptions behind the guilt and realize that no one is ever a perfect parent and ask were the choices I made the best given the circumstances at the time—and discover that for the most part, the answer is yes. I can ask myself if guilt serves me or my son or the situation—and realize that it gets in the way of doing anything useful. And so I can let it go—at least for the moment.

I can look at the emotions and note the one that echoes my deepest fear when my son was born—that some day he would be helpless in a situation where he would be abused because he didn't fit in. I can ask whether that fear is a valid one. I can ask what steps I can take to make sure it doesn't happen—and what steps to suggest to my ex-husband (who will be living much closer). I can ask myself what I can do to help my son with the transition so that his behavior is less likely to trigger frustration and anger on the part of anyone supervising his housing situation—whatever that turns out to be.

I can create a list of questions my ex-husband can ask as he and our son tour group homes (starting this week!).

I can ask myself what actions will help ME with the transitions ahead—including scheduling a slightly longer visit in July and planning to go more thoroughly through the house to make sure I bring back with me anything of mine that I left there that I truly want—in case my ex-husband sells the house quickly.

I can remind myself to ask: What good will (or could) come out of this? And then I can celebrate the answers.

Questions are powerful tools. For one thing, they take us out of the level of emotions and into the mind where we can look at the thoughts and assumptions behind the emotions.

Wishing for all of you wonderful, useful questions this week! Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Respect

2008-06-01T14:01:00.000-07:00

Someone recently posted a comment to Changes and I reacted very strongly. I asked myself why I cared so much. So what if this person was mistaken?

And then I realized it was about respect. I don't mind questions or people disagreeing with me. That gives me a chance to rethink my position and/or clarify the reasons I believe what I do. Either way, that's a good thing.

What I'm referring to is something else. If I feel I'm being scolded or patronized or generally treated with disrespect, there's a good chance I'll take your head off. I'll do it nicely, but I WILL do it. (Note: I want to make clear that I absolutely believe the person posting meant to be helpful. In no way do I believe he meant to be hurtful or malicious. At the same time, I do believe it minimized what I am dealing with. In other words, it was ignorance rather than malice.)

At any rate, my response was something fairly new for me. All my life I've jumped in to stand up for other people. I've put myself physically between abusers and those they meant to harm. I've spoken up for the right for others to be treated with respect. I've done so even when I knew it would cause problems for me.

But it's only recently that I've started standing up for myself this way. It still feels strange. I still worry that I might be overreacting or too harsh in my response. And yet I realize that it's progress to stand up for myself—rather than seething in private. (Healthier, too. A recent study documented serious health consequences for people who swallow their anger.)

Now I am NOT advocating going out and ripping apart everyone you meet! I still think it's important to consider the impact of our words and actions on others. It is still important to put myself in the other person's shoes—and try to see things from their point of view.

That doesn't meant I'll tolerate abusive words or actions. That doesn't mean I'll put up with injustice. But in my response, I will do my best to speak and act in ways that are consistent with the person I choose to be. I will condemn words and actions—not people. I will remember that each of us acts and reacts out of our own circles of hurt and vulnerability—and desire to feel better.

The comment also reminded me of the very real gender differences between men and women and how we react to and handle things. A bit of advice for any guy out there reading this: YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE WOMAN YOU ARE SPEAKING TO SHOULD FEEL. You don't. We process things differently. The more you respect what we do feel, the easier—and faster!—we can move through it.

TRUST US! We may not be able to articulate our reasons the way you can, but that doesn't mean we're wrong! Trust and respect us and we are far more likely to trust and respect YOU.

Wishing trust and respect for everyone reading here and sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),

April_optimist

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

After I posted my last blog post, I went to read other blogs and immediately got reminded how much more difficult challenges others are facing. My prayers are with all of you.

And today, of course, is another such reminder. I've never had to go to war (though some might argue my childhood WAS a war zone, it's still not the same thing). I haven't lost a family member to war either. I've been lucky that way.

Today I want to take a moment to salute those who have gone to war—both those who died and those who came back changed because of what they saw and did and what happened to them.

My generation was the last to face the draft. It's hard for me to imagine the courage it took to go to war when there was a draft and the courage to choose to go when one doesn't have to go—as young men and women are doing every day now.

It was good for me to be reminded how lucky I am and that however huge changes may feel to me, there are others dealing with much more difficult issues right now. That doesn't mean our own issues don't matter—because they do—only that it's good to stop and realize the ways we are fortunate and to honor the courage others show in coping with the challenges in their lives.

Today we honor those who have had the courage to be in the military and do what they can to keep us all safe. And to pray that soon this world finds a way to exist in peace so that no more men and women--of any nation--have to go to war. That we find a way to resolve disputes without fighting.

Changes

2008-05-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

I was going to write a “Valuing Self pt. 3” and talk about how it matters that we value ourselves because it's in the moments we fear we aren't good enough and/or we will be rejected/abandoned that we are most likely to do or say things that hurt ourselves and/or others. That's what I was going to write about. But...

But this week I heard that my son with Down syndrome may soon be placed in housing. And that's a good thing, I think. But...it's churned up all sorts of emotions for me.

Will the housing be good enough?

Will my son be able to adjust?

Will he be happy there?

It also means a lot of other changes. My ex-husband will almost certainly sell the house where my kids grew up. My links with the state where I lived for over 20 years are disappearing.

Odds are that my ex-husband will marry since it's our son who his girlfriend didn't want to deal with.

There won't be many more times I go and stay in the house with my son (while my ex-husband is elsewhere).

I know. In the grand scheme of things, none of this is terrible. None of this is unexpected. None of this is even, necessarily a bad thing.

But all of this adds up to profound emotional upheaval for me.

Let me be clear: I don't begrudge my ex-husband happiness. I'm glad that maybe my son is moving to a new level of independence. I hope a new setting will help him grow. All of this could be good.

It's just a profound emotional upheaval for me.

Valuing Self, pt. 2

2008-05-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

Everyone wants to be loved and accepted for who they are—just as they are. And everyone is afraid they won't be. That's true whether someone has abuse in their background or not. It's true for apparently successful people just as it's clearly true for those just scraping by.

And yet we have this tendency to berate ourselves for needing and wanting validation—as if it wasn't part of the human condition and something everyone needs! Babies who are not loved enough literally die—it's called failure to thrive.

So why are we so reluctant to accept this part of ourselves?

Well, first a lot of kids, even those not in classically defined abusive homes, often get the message that they shouldn't be so needy, shouldn't cling to their mothers (or fathers) so much. The message may be explicit or implicit (in the body language, voice, or facial expressions of adults around them). But that speaks to the fatigue adults so often feel—not to the very human need we all have to connect with others!

As adults, if we feel needy, we may act in ways that we HOPE will elicit validation from others. The problem is that it rarely works and often means we push away the very people we hoped would stay connected to us and provide us with validation.

If we're lucky, we're able to explicitly say to someone important to us: Hey, look, I know it's silly, but it really helps if you TELL me that you care and that you believe in me. Or...it really helps if you SHOW ME that you care and believe in me. (The tricky part is that often the other person tries to show us by doing what would make them feel validated and cared about and that does not necessarily match what actually works for us.)

Now the other person may not do what we ask. If they are abusive they will use it against us and that's a good sign to get out! Or it may be a request that seems to that other person inappropriate—or more than they have the energy to do. But simply by asking we are validating ourselves. We are saying we matter. And we begin to discover what we can and can't ask for—the boundaries of the relationships around us.

Ultimately, we're best off if we can give ourselves the validation we need and then connect in other ways to those we care about. And this is, in a sense, the goal of therapy—that we reach the point where we believe in ourselves enough to provide all the validation we need. But how do we do that?

This is one reason I believe so strongly in doing things like making lists of what we like about ourselves and reasons we might have to believe we can accomplish what we want to accomplish. This is why I believe in building on small successes to create bigger ones and celebrating what we do.

If we begin by looking at our (perceived) flaws, we may never get beyond that point! We will feel like failures to ourselves. On the other hand, if we begin with what we LIKE about ourselves and our STRENGTHS, then we have something to build on. The more we love and accept ourselves, the more we discover about who we are AND WHO WE CAN BECOME.

I wish I'd been able to say to a person in my life a few years ago: Look, I know it's silly but it would really help just to have you actually say these words, every so often: “I believe in you and you're doing fine.” Then I probably wouldn't bug you with so much email, hoping what I write will (without me having to explicitly ask) get you to say it.

I wish with another person I'd been able to say: What's really going on?

I wish with my ex-husband I'd been able to truly be myself—rather than trying to be who I thought he wanted me to be. My marriage probably would have ended sooner but I'd have had more of my self-respect intact when I left.

But we can't change the past. What we can do is look at where we are now and if we are not valuing ourselves—ALL of who we are—we can practice, even if it's for short moments at a time, accepting who we are. We can look at the things we like about ourselves and past successes and begin from the point of who we are and what will make our lives better and happier. And instead of calling ourselves idiots or weaklings (or whatever else our favorite chastisements may be), we can practice reminding ourselves that we are strong and resilient and creative and capable and survivors.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Valuing Self

2008-05-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

Everyone has different aspects to their personality. It just tends to be more extreme for victims of abuse. Some abuse victims become multiple personalities, others of us just...compartmentalize.

I was thinking about this after watching the movie: The Three Faces of Eve (which my mother made me watch growing up—perhaps because she “lost time” a lot when she was in college). (If you're MPD you probably don't want to watch it. Even as a kid, I was appalled at the idea that "success" might be getting rid of 2/3 of yourself!) But it got me thinking about times I've suppressed part of who I am. Did it as a kid to survive, of course, but I was also thinking how to get through my divorce, I had to in a sense suppress the part of me that liked being married/in a relationship. And at another point after that, something happened and I suppressed the kid part of me that had needed to cling to the other person involved.

See the thing is, there's always a cost when we suppress parts of ourselves. That needy kid part is also the part of me that can love unabashedly and is able to reach out to other people without fear of getting hurt. That part of me that liked being married...well....it's tough to move forward and even consider another relationship if one is suppressing that part of oneself.

And I realized the hurt that happened when I suppressed the needy kid wasn't so much because the other person's words or actions were so damaging. I doubt he even had any idea there was this needy a kid inside me. No, the real damage happened because my reaction was to suppress that needy little kid. If I'd reacted by soothing and valuing that part of me, I doubt the experience would have been so distressing. If I'd been able to soothe and value that part of me beforehand, the fiasco might never have occurred and/or I might have been able to continue to reach out to others as easily as before. Mind you, I couldn't see it that way at the time. At the time, I blamed that part of me for precipitating a crisis that hurt not only me but the other person as well.

But I see now what a mistake it was to try to suppress that little kid inside after that fiasco. Just as I see that rather than suppressing that side of myself that liked being married/in a relationship, I'd have been better off cherishing that part of me and focused instead on why a different relationship could be better.

The goal is always, it seems to me, to value and integrate all the aspects of oneself so that they all work together. Victims of abuse or not, we are not served by bashing any part of ourselves. We are best served by accepting and nurturing who we are—rather than trying to shoehorn ourselves into someone's image of who we should be—even our own images of who we “should” be. We are who we are and the more we accept ourselves, the easier it becomes to explore new possibilities—and perhaps grow in ways that enrich our lives and bring us greater happiness. Plus, the more we love and accept ourselves, the less likely we are to ever hurt anyone else.

I don't know if my mother was MPD or not. I do know she went to her grave desperately unhappy and hating herself. I feel profoundly grateful that my life has taken a different path and that I am able to be happy.

Here's hoping that each of you is able to love and cherish all of who you are. Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

6 Random Things

2008-04-30T15:10:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by Jumping in Puddles to do another meme. According to her post the rules are:

Link to the person who tagged you
Post their rules on your blog
Write six random things about yourself
Tag six random people by linking to their blogs
Let each of the six know they've been tagged by leaving them a comment (on their blogs)
Let your tagger know when your entry is up

Hmmmm. Six random things about me? Well...

1) I like to play Nintendo Wii. Good exercise!
2) I like dark chocolate and rum raisin ice cream. Pity no one has ever combined the two...
3) I've lived in 7 states and visited over a dozen countries.
4) Growing up, I wanted to be like Spock because while he obviously had emotions, he didn't let them control him.
5) I have two small tabletop fountains in my house and love the sound of the water flowing.
6) I like country music—especially songs like: I hope you dance, Standing in the fire, and anything sung by Martina McBride.

As before, rather than tagging anyone, I'm going to invite anyone who wants to play.

Off to let Jumping in Puddles know my post is up!

6 WORD MEMOIR

2008-04-24T14:18:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged by Beautiful Dreamer. The challenge is to:

1)Write your own six word memoir
2) Post it on your blog; include a visual illustration if you’d like
3) Link to the person that tagged you in your post, and to the original post if possible
4) Tag at least five more blogs with links
5) Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

I've got the link to Beautiful Dreamer's site above. I tried tracking back to the original post but somehow got lost or hit a dead end doing so.

I think I'm going to skip tagging people. I'm not really comfortable with that. Instead I'm going to invite anyone so inclined to join in.

But what's my 6 word memoir: VICTIM TO THRIVER, INTELLIGENT RESILIENT WRITER

It was interesting trying to choose just six words to describe my journey. I chose these because it's where I began and where I am now (victim/thriver) and the internal resources that let me get to this point.

Expectations

2008-04-16T12:34:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about expectations—maybe because of my trip back east. Expectations trip us up all the time, don't they? We expect certain things of ourselves and other people and if they don't work out that way, often we get upset.

I've been working on allowing myself to have expectations FOR MYSELF but detaching from the results. In other words, I'm setting goals for who I want to be and what I want to do but accepting that things may not work out the way I intend—and that it's okay if they don't.

That does NOT mean I don't do my best to accomplish whatever it is I've got as an expectation! I most certainly do. But it means I don't get upset with myself if things take a different direction.

With my son, I know what I wish for him. I know the hopes and dreams and fears I hold when it comes to his future. The challenge is to offer guidance when he will let me and at the same time acceptance of who he is, as he is. The challenge is to focus on what's good about him and what I love and build on that rather than focusing on the difficulties.

It seems to me I knew this when he was little. I fought for staff in programs he was in to see him as an individual and not a diagnosis and to build on his strengths, not just focus on areas where he was behind his peers in development. I know it consciously about myself as well, it's just that emotions don't always match the knowledge!

But think what the world would be like if we could all focus on what's right and good in the people around us. Think what the world would be like if we all reached out with love and encouragement to our children and ourselves. Think how different our lives would be if our parents had been able to do that with us!

So I'm thinking about expectations this week. How about you?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

Focus pt. 2

2008-04-10T14:19:00.000-07:00

Shall I tell you about the ambulance called to my son’s program and how he wouldn’t go in it? Or about my ex-husband’s call to me as I was in the shuttle and on my way to the airport to come home?

Shall I tell you how it always takes me a few days to recover my sense of balance after one of these visits?

It would be easy to focus on the chaos. It would be easy to let myself be sucked into the drama—and try to pass it on to you by relating everything that went wrong. But...

But if I did that, I would miss out on telling you that in many ways it was a very good visit with my son. In spite of his Down syndrome, we connected better than we have in a while. And my ex-husband has finally managed to get him to go to bed by midnight—most nights anyway.

If I focused on the chaos, I might not remember to tell you my son is okay. (Well, he wasn’t having a heart attack, anyway. He did have some tests and we’ll have the results next week.)

If I focused on the chaos, I might believe that’s how life is instead of remembering how good my life is most of the time. I might forget that I no longer have to live in that chaos and be part of it. I might forget that instead of being a helpless person barely able to keep all the plates spinning in the air, I’m actually someone who is strong and capable and able to successfully help others.

It is difficult to go back into that chaotic situation and remember this was my life for so long. It is difficult, sometimes, to accept that both my son and my ex-husband are making choices to create and continue the chaos and that they have the right to do so.

I grieve every time I go there. I grieve for the hopes and dreams I used to have and for what might have been. And then I remind myself to celebrate what’s good and right about my situation AND theirs. It might not be what I want for myself, but it is what they are choosing for themselves.

It’s good to be home.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Focus

2008-04-05T08:37:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post because I don’t have much time. I’m here with my son who is grown and has Down syndrome with major behavioral issues. I could tell you about the chaos here. I could tell you how glad I am I didn’t try to keep the house. I could tell you how every trip back here reaffirms how right my decision to leave was. I could tell you about the frustration of no time to see friends. But....

I’d rather tell you how changing my focus has changed my experience here.

Now when my ex-husband comes up with chaos and tries to draw me in, I simply smile and say, “No.” I might point out ways HE can handle things but I am able to refuse to jump in and handle them for him. I can remember the good that being married to him brought into my life as well as acknowledge what wasn’t right—without anger because I no longer feel as if my life and sense of self-worth are under his control.

Now, despite my worry about how my son’s behavior causes so many problems for him, I can let myself focus on how much I love him. Now I can set boundaries with him lovingly—rather than in frustration—and know that while some might not stick, others will and they have a better chance of doing so because I know he senses the difference in me.

I can let so much go knowing I am only here for a few days and then will be back in the home I love.

I am choosing to focus on what is right and good about my son and his situation and mine. The irony is that by doing so, I find myself thinking of solutions to things that had I focused on them directly would have seemed overwhelming.

I am not saying it’s easy. I doubt it will ever be easy to come here and see the situation with my son and know that I have no real answers to make things better. And yet, at the same time, there is a tiny seed of hope. If my experience of this visit can in some ways be so much better than the last, perhaps there will come a time when I see solutions I can’t right now.

There is power in choosing our focus. It alters US. We may find ourselves seeing alternatives or understanding situations and/or able to take action(s) we couldn’t before. Certainly it beats the heck out of focusing on being unhappy and feeling overwhelmed!

What situation might you be able to see through a new point of focus? And if you did, what new actions might you find yourself taking?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist.

Rebirthing Ourselves Pt. 2

2008-03-31T13:41:00.000-07:00

So...let’s suppose we really do want to rebirth ourselves. What’s the fastest way to do that? In my experience, the fastest way to change is to CHOOSE TO WILLINGLY DO THAT WHICH SCARES ME THE MOST.

I am NOT talking about foolish risks! What I’m talking about is doing the things that I know would enrich my life if I could—or would—do them.

In my experience:

1) If I do what scares me and it turns out I can do it and nothing terrible happens, then no more of my energy needs to go into being afraid of that experience again. (Or at least a lot less—and each time it gets easier.)

2) If I do what scares me, my comfort zone expands.

3) If I do what scares me and I succeed (or at least survive), then it gives me evidence that perhaps I can successfully do other things that scare me and less of my energy goes into being afraid of those things.

4) If I do what scares me and it doesn’t work out the way I hoped, I have more information than I had before. I am still a step closer to being who I want to be and accomplishing what I wish to accomplish.

5) If I do what scares me, I begin to change my perception of myself as someone fragile or less competent than other people. I begin to feel less of an outsider and more like everyone else who can do those things that used to scare me. I begin to see myself as someone strong and competent and capable and courageous—rather than being immersed in that memory of how I was as a child when I felt so helpless and overwhelmed.

(Note: I have friends who crack up at the notion that I could ever perceive myself as helpless. Most people see me as very strong and competent and resourceful. And yet, the default emotional state can be the one from when I was that scared child and I have to stop and remind myself that’s where it comes from--and that it no longer applies.)

My point is that WILLINGLY CHOOSING TO DO WHAT SCARES US is a very powerful step we can take to rebirth ourselves and move forward in our lives. I have NEVER regretted doing what scared me but I have often regretted the times I didn’t step up to a challenge that could have enriched my life.

What might you willingly choose to do that scares you? How could your life be better if you did?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

PS Speaking of feeling overwhelmed... I will be going back east this weekend to spend a couple of days with my grown son who has Down syndrome and behavioral issues. I will be, as always, trying to bring order and calm into chaos and that often feels overwhelming. So please keep my son (and me) in your thoughts this coming weekend as I try to find a way to reach him.

Rebirthing Ourselves

2008-03-24T09:53:00.000-07:00

Rebirthing ourselves over and over again is a natural and powerful step to take all through our lives. (This time of year tends to bring it to mind for me.) By that I mean stopping to think about where we are, how we got here, and whether changing any of our assumptions about our lives and ourselves might be worthwhile.

We make assumptions every day about how things are and who we are. Often those assumptions are things we were taught by our families or society and often we outgrow them or discover they were never true in the first place—IF we stop to challenge them.

It’s so easy to go through life never questioning our assumptions but we do so at a very high price—cutting ourselves off from wonderful possibilities we might otherwise have. Some of our greatest inventions and achievements came from people who didn’t listen when they were told it couldn’t be done.

If we were abused as children, it’s especially important to question those assumptions. We were almost certainly lied to by our abusers and we probably told ourselves what we needed to believe in order to survive. But now, as adults, we can choose to rewrite those assumptions and toss any that don’t work for us or aren’t true.

How do we do that? Well, as children, we knew how to play make believe and ask: What if?

What if we did that with our lives now? What if we asked ourselves: Could we be wrong about the person we think has insulted us? What if they were saying thinking something entirely different than what we think we heard? What if (at least some) people WILL treat us with kindness and respect—NOW? What if that’s what we deserve? What if we aren’t stupid or crazy or shameful? What if we ARE deserving of love and success and happiness? What if...?

What if we could do that thing we were told we couldn’t do when we were children? What if we aren’t tone deaf or incapable of doing math or shouldn’t even think about picking up a hammer or wrench? What if we can be happy, successful, capable people?

What if we can find joy even on the most difficult of days? What if it’s okay to have fun as we move forward in our lives and take on new challenges?

What if we stop and ask ourselves: What assumptions do I want to challenge TODAY? What new possibilities do I want to bring into my life NOW--even if I didn't know I could have them before? How can I expand my expectations for what’s possible for me?

How about you? What ways could you enrich your life by asking: What if...?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Mistake Central This Week

2008-03-16T13:42:00.000-07:00

I know I’m really late posting. It’s been a busy week for me out there in my other world. The interesting thing is that I’m continuing to be able to treat myself as kindly as I would a guest in my house. And the universe has been testing me. I swear I have made more foolish blunders in the past week or so than I normally would over a few months! And I’ve been able to remember to lighten up, laugh about it, and know that it’s okay. I’ve been able to see that nothing terrible will happen, I’m not an idiot, and that what I want to do is focus on what’s going right in my life.

Now this may not seem like much to you, but I’m one of those people who grew up having it drilled into my head that I should never make mistakes and horrible things would happen if I did. I’m one of those people who used to be mortified if anyone else realized I’d made a mistake. (Like it’s actually possible to never make mistakes. Sheesh, the things we let ourselves believe!)

Over the past week or so, quite a few times I’ve had to publicly acknowledge mistakes—or have lots of people see me make them. And the funny thing is that I’m okay with it. I really am. Which is a weird feeling—but I like it.

That doesn’t mean I want to be careless or make lots of mistakes, only that I really like being able to accept myself as imperfect and human—and still okay.

Here’s hoping that no matter how imperfect your week has been or how many mistakes you might have made, you still appreciate the wonderful person you are!

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_Optimist

Oh, and there’s a new Carnival Against Abuse with some powerful posts. The link is: http://enola-survivor.blogspot.com/2008/03/experience-re-birth-after-child-abuse.html

A Guest in My Own House pt 2

2008-03-06T14:32:00.000-08:00

It’s been an interesting week. I’ve realized things like:

I’d never call a guest stupid or an idiot no matter what they did.

I’d add special touches such as garlic bread to a meal of veggie chili.

I’d offer to froth heated milk or soymilk and add a touch of cinnamon for a guest’s morning coffee.

If a guest was scared or worried about something, I’d do my best to reassure the guest he/she had the skills and courage to handle whatever the challenge might be. I might help the guest brainstorm possibilities and I’d never call the guest stupid or a coward.

I’d make sure the pillows were fluffy and the sheets soft and that the house was warm enough for my guest.

If my guest slept late, I’d assume he/she was tired and needed the sleep NOT that the guest was lazy or stupid for doing so.

I’d think about fun things my guest might like to do.

I’d encourage my guest to have fun.

I’d make sure there was nice hand soap in the bathroom and lots of towels.

I’d ask my guest what he/she wanted to read or watch on television or DVD—not decide based on what I thought my guest should read or see.

I’d listen if my guest needed to talk something out and I would encourage my guest to believe in him/herself and I'd never call my guest stupid.

Do you see a pattern here? I sure did! It’s interesting how often I caught myself slipping into old patterns and interesting how good it felt to begin to treat myself as if I were a guest in my own house. How about you? Are there any ways you would be nicer to a guest than you are to yourself?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

If I Were A Guest In My Own House

2008-02-29T11:48:00.000-08:00

I had another epiphany yesterday: I would never treat a guest in my house the way I sometimes treat myself.

Think about it. For most of us, if we have a guest in our house—even if we don’t like them very much or know them very well—how do we treat that person? What would we automatically do for them? What ways would we try to make their lives pleasant while they were our guest?

(Note: You could substitute the word friend for guest. For me, the word guest works better.)

What if I treated myself the way I’d treat a guest?

So this week is an experiment. I’m going to try—every time I remember to do so—to treat myself as if I were a guest in my own house.

How about you? How would you treat yourself differently if you were a guest in YOUR house?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Changing How I See Myself

2008-02-25T10:51:00.000-08:00

Sorry to be MIA for so long! It’s been a hectic. Good, for the most part but hectic.

And I’ve been looking at what changes I might want to make in my life. (Yes, I can’t help tinkering. As good as things are, I know they could be even better.)

One of the things I’ve been noticing is that I have tremendous empathy for others. Maybe it’s being a writer, but even when I’m in conflict with someone, I grasp their side of things and the ways in which they are hurting and I want to help. On the whole, I’m glad this is who I am.

The challenge, however, is that I rarely stop to ask myself what I want or to have empathy for my own fear or hurt.

Example: I can’t imagine being as impatient or verbally abusive with someone else who was learning to do something new or trying to do something that was difficult for them as I am with myself in those kinds of situations.

In any situation, I tend to focus on what I think I should have, do or be and rarely ask myself what I WANT.

Part of it, of course, is that I grew up in a family that said what I wanted didn’t matter. And part of it is that I grew up in a family with distorted ideas of what was right and wrong and I’ve spent most of my life wanting to make sure I became a far better person than that. And part of it, I suspect, is this cultural notion that we have to earn the right to be happy.

And yet....and yet I know that we become the best person we can be, discover the most creative solutions to problems, and are at our most resilient when we embrace joy in our lives.

I do that on a conscious level all the time. The challenge is to look at the unconscious times I treat myself as if the opposite were true. The challenge is to realize what I haven’t even noticed I’ve been doing to myself.

Which isn’t easy. It takes something external (usually) to get us to notice what we don’t notice. And of course our conditioning and natural impulse is to get angry that this external thing happened—missing the possible ways it’s a blessing in disguise.

My life is good. It’s getting better. I’m seeing new ways to do things, new ways to see myself. Sometimes that takes a lot of time and energy—as it has since my last post.

Here’s wishing for all of you ways to love yourselves more and bring more joy into your lives. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist

Growing Pains

2008-02-17T14:50:00.000-08:00

It’s not easy growing—no matter what age we may be.

The past couple of weeks have given me essentially nonstop opportunities to grow. I say that with a wry smile.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m grateful for those opportunities! It’s just...growing isn’t always easy, hence the title of this blog post—growing pains.

I found myself coming up against fears I had about myself and how I interact with others, fears about matters that are important to me, and questions about what direction I want to take in certain areas of my life. And it was a profound gift because as I so often say: It’s the assumptions (and fears) we don’t even know we have that trip us up the most.

One of the easier opportunities to grow came with an exercise in a workshop I was taking. We were asked by Gary Simmons to think of an experience that left us unhappy. (He suggested a “light” memory.) He asked us to think about what happened and how we felt about it. Then he had us ask ourselves a very profound question: What inner resource, if we had had it, would have made the experience something we would not feel bad about?

That’s an exercise that’s still resonating with me today. It’s deceptively simple and profoundly powerful.

(Mind you, me being me, I couldn’t resist commenting that at the same time we recognize what it would have meant if we had had that inner resource, it’s equally important to be able to say to ourselves that it is understandable that we did not have—or perhaps even could not possibly have had—that inner resource available at the time.)

I repeat: It’s deceptively simple and profoundly powerful. It’s going to take me time to fully internalize, grasp (grok if you will) this concept. But already I begin to feel the change in me EVEN THOUGH in some ways it’s not that different from things I’ve said to people in the past about life experiences.

The interesting thing about the past few weeks is that through all of it, the actual experiences were positive. Every difficulty arose out of my own fears, my own self-doubts, my own mistaken beliefs and assumptions.

That’s also a very powerful lesson to learn. Because now I can combine those two powerful lessons. In any challenging situation, I now stop and ask myself: How would I handle this if I wasn’t afraid and if I had complete faith in my own self-worth?

The answers are illuminating and I find myself handling things in ways that are different—and far more effective!—than I would have if I hadn’t asked myself that question.

Every experience gives us the opportunity to learn. Every experience gives us the opportunity to move forward in some way and make our lives better and happier than they were before.

Here’s hoping you are each having your own epiphanies and discovering the questions that are most powerful for YOU to ask yourselves.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Love

2008-02-12T09:32:00.000-08:00

“I love you,
Not only for what you are
But for what I am
When I am with you.”

That’s how a poem by Roy Croft begins. And I love that poem because to me it has always represented the best of what love and good relationships can do for us.

When we are with the right person or group, we become better, healthier, kinder, and wiser than we would be alone. We see the best potential in each other—and help it to manifest. We encourage each other to do things that help us grow and are good—for us and for the world. We are a haven of safety for each other.

If we like who we are when we are with someone, that’s a good sign. If we come away ashamed or wishing we hadn’t said or done the things we did, that’s not such a good sign. Then it’s time to look at both the relationship AND the emotions and beliefs it generates in us.

If we didn’t like what happened because the other person encouraged us to do that which is in conflict with our deepest values then it’s time to a) run the other way and b) look at ourselves to see what within us would let us accept a relationship with someone like that.

If the other person acts in ways consistent with our highest values but we don’t like how we acted/reacted then it’s time to look within to see what fears were being triggered and what it tells us about our own sense of self-worth. This may or may not be a good person to continue to have in our lives.

The ideal is a person who acts in ways consistent with our highest values, who encourages us to do so as well, and who treats us with kindness and respect. These are the people to truly cherish for however long they choose to be part of our lives! Even if at some point they leave, they will have enriched our lives in ways we can never repay—except to hope that we were able to do the same for them for as long as we knew them.

Relationships don’t always last forever. Sometimes they end with love on both sides and sometimes they end badly. However they end, we can choose to remember what was good and be grateful for it. The challenge is to go forward trusting that others as wonderful as this person—or perhaps even better—will come into our lives again, though perhaps in a very different form.

I believe in love. I believe that even those of us hurt the most deeply have the capacity to love AND TO LEARN TO LOVE OURSELVES.

That’s the hard one, isn’t it—to love ourselves? Our culture seems to encourage us to believe that our self-worth comes from how others see us. The truth is that no one can love us enough if we don’t love ourselves first. No relationship will be enough if we don’t value who we are.

What if we all loved ourselves and KNEW we were worth loving? What if we all could easily tell anyone who asked what our strengths were and what we liked about ourselves? What if we could see that anything anyone said that was hurtful was a reflection only of the hurt or need within themselves—that even if we made mistakes we are not a mistake? What if we could know that we could be the very best we want to be—IF we find a way to love ourselves?

Each of us is worth loving. Each of us has the ability to choose how we will live our lives. Each of us deserves to surround ourselves with people we love not only for who they are but for who we are when we are with them.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

Quirky Meme

2008-02-07T13:44:00.000-08:00

I’ve been tagged by both Jumping in Puddles and Rising Rainbow with a virus. It’s a meme that says I’m supposed to post 6 little known or secret or quirky things about myself and to link to the person who infected me (see above).

1) To get to sleep I sometimes have to keep telling myself: all is well, all is unfolding as it should

2) When I’m deep in writing a book, I NEED chocolate (dark) and coffee.

3) My arms are so long that even tall sizes don’t always fit—which is one reason I took up knitting and sewing.

4) When I’m nervous I talk very fast.

5) At times in my adult life I’ve: slept with stuffed animals and carried polished stones in my purse and I still often wear butterfly jewelry that to me signifies strength and hope and successful change.

6) Playing spider solitaire on the computer or do Suduko on paper often helps when I’m upset or stuck on how to handle a problem.

I know I’m supposed to tag 6 people but that’s outside my comfort zone so I’ll just invite everyone who wants to play—or just ask and I’ll “officially” tag you!

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Fear and Self-Sabotage

2008-02-02T18:34:00.000-08:00

It’s been another busy week. Nothing quite as exciting as last week but a time when I’ve been...observing...my own reaction as I’ve dealt with things.

One of the things I found myself thinking about this week was fear—and what it costs us.

When I look back over my life, every act of self-sabotage happened because of fear. Even now, every time I’m afraid, I’m in danger of acting in ways that will create the circumstances of which I’m most afraid. (Example: If I’m afraid of going to the dentist, I may put it off until problems become serious and because I’m afraid, there will be more adrenaline in my system which will push out the Novocain faster so I am more likely to find the work painful.)(Example: If I’m afraid of being abandoned by someone, I’m likely to keep pressing for reassurance whereas if I can let go then I can just enjoy the relationship I have with that person and it’s more likely to work out in positive ways.)

The paradox is that the optimal strategy is to say to myself: Okay, I’m scared BUT AS AN EXPERIMENT I’m going to let go and trust that everything will all work out.

This isn’t how most of us were raised. This isn’t the strategy most of us developed to cope with abuse as a child. If I try to think too hard about it, I start wondering if I’m out of my freaking mind to think this could work. And yet....

And yet, by observation I know that it does work for me. I do have more time and energy for things I want to do. Things do tend to work out and I am far less likely to sabotage myself in any way. And even when the worst case scenario plays out, because I’m more relaxed I’m much more likely to think of things I wouldn’t if I was still scared.

It works, too, in dealing with friends and family members who tend to get caught up in their own personal dramas. (I used to get sucked in ALL the time!) Now, I step back, remind myself that the optimal strategy is to assume it will all work out and then I can be of most help because MY emotions aren’t caught up in the emotions. This means my brain is working more efficiently and I may be able to see clearly: a) options and (more importantly!) b) where my responsibility begins and ends. I can see that I don’t have to solve everyone’s problems and I can step back and let them solve their own—perhaps offering some suggestions but without any “investment” in whether the person uses my suggestions or not.

The good thing about this strategy is that I don’t have to put lots of time and energy into figuring out the “whys.” I don’t have to know why I’m afraid. I don’t have to know where that fear began. I don’t have to repress that fear. I can acknowledge it, honor it, and then let it go. I can keep moving forward with whatever I need to do.

Sometimes it’s good to just stop and observe how we act and react and consciously choose which strategies we want to keep and which we want to change. There’s power and comfort in knowing we have choices.

Wishing for all of you lots of empowering choices this week!

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Interesting Week

2008-01-28T11:47:00.000-08:00

It’s been an...interesting....week. Yes, that’s the word...interesting.

There was the identity theft to deal with. A cancelled credit card, monitoring other accounts, alerting credit bureaus, calls to shut down a fraudulent account elsewhere, calls to get fraudulent charges off the legitimate account.

There was the phone call from my daughter (that woke me up one morning) to say she had hurt her neck and she couldn’t move. (And a day spent helping her and ruling out serious possibilities.)

There was the potential flame war in the online class I’m teaching that had to be put out as soon as it began.

Mind you, there were good things, too. And a choice about where to put my available focus. I say available focus because certain things had to be dealt with. But once they were, I had a choice. I could complain and fuss and keep focusing on how unfortunate these things were and how they were eating up my time OR I could choose to say to myself: Okay, I can handle each of these things. Everything will be okay. Now, what can I do that’s fun now that I have a spare moment?

There is value in running a quick mental check of what it’s useful to do in a given challenging situation. There is even value in considering problems that could arise out of these situations. And then taking steps to deal with the situation and possible future consequences.

There is no value in running scenarios over and over again in our heads and focusing on how horrible they make us feel. There is no value in constantly replaying them—except to notice how well we coped (when we did) and what we might do more effectively next time around.

There is no value in seeing ourselves as victims to whom bad things will continue to happen. There is great power in noting what our strengths were in the situation and building on them. There is even power in noting what was difficult for us and then obtaining information or skills so that next time we might be better prepared.

There is little value in trying to find someone to protect us forever and great value in learning the skills and acquiring the tools we need to protect ourselves.

This past week could have—and in the past might have—felt overwhelming and confirmed in me a sense of victimhood. Instead, it became something that reaffirmed my faith in myself and my ability to cope with life’s challenges.

The scare with my daughter became a chance to spend time together and grow closer.

The situation with identity theft, while not pleasant, ultimately will be a blip in the screen for this month—much less this year or my lifetime.

The potential flame war became a chance to draw the students closer together with a greater appreciation for themselves and what they had to offer each other.

We can’t control what happens to us. We CAN choose, however, how we will respond and where we will put our attention.

There is a certain emotional payoff in being a victim. There is a far greater payoff in seeing ourselves as strong, competent, evolving, resilient individuals.

AND EVERY PERSON READING THIS BLOG SHARES THOSE QUALITIES!

It takes a great deal of strength and courage and resilience to survive abuse. It takes even more to choose to face the past and our fears and shadows and work to heal. The more we see ourselves as having the qualities of strength and resilience and courage and competence, the more likely we are to succeed and the happier the lives will be that we create for ourselves.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Survivor Meme

2008-01-22T09:46:00.000-08:00

I’ve been tagged by Kahless at Random Kahlesswith a “Survivor Needs” meme.

Rules:Please link back to the originating meme at Survivors Can Thrive , so people can see its origins, get ideas for their own self-care list, see who’s already been tagged, and maybe we can track how far this meme goes. List 25 needs and 5 wants. Try to restrict your needs list to things that have to do with being a survivor of some sort of abuse, assault, etc. Your list can be anything you want! Use this list to remind yourself to get your needs met this the New Year. Pass on this meme and tag five people to play this meme with you.

25 NEEDS (in no particular order):

1.) sunshine (helps me feel happier)
2.) time alone
3.) time with friends
4.) to be close to my children—if not geographically then emotionally
5.) to be treated with kindness and respect
6.) to have at least one person truly believe in me
7.) to have at least one person truly see and understand what I’ve been through
8.) to have at least one person truly understand how difficult it sometimes is for me to deal with things other people consider so easy to handle
9.) to continue to grow
10.) to have laughter in my life—every day
11.) to write (and give myself the voice I didn't have growing up)
12.) to share my love of writing with others (and know I have something of value to offer)
13.) to have people listen when I say something matters to me
14.) to share in and learn from the wisdom of others
15.) to love wholeheartedly no matter what the other person says or does—and to see the good in them (so that I do not become like my abusers who couldn't love)
16.) to set boundaries and be willing to walk away if the other person will not respect them
17.) to know what I need and honor that—no matter what anyone else thinks I should say or do or feel—and to be willing to say so
18.) to be able to truly honor and respect and believe in myself
19.) good, healthy food
20.) time to honor my spiritual self and my spiritual journey
21.) a spiritual community to be part of
22.) to be financially secure (fear of not being able to take care of my financial needs kept me in situations I should have walked away from much sooner)
23.) to exercise in ways that are fun and keep me in good health
24.) to honor my body and lovingly take care of it including going to the dentist and doctor for regular checkups and care (something that used to be hard for me when I hated it and blamed it for betraying me)
25.) to protect myself even as I open myself to new friendships and put myself out into the world in ways I haven’t done before

5 WANTS

1.) a new book contract
2.) a sheltie or collie puppy
3.) time by the ocean
4.) to see people to treat each other with kindness and respect and understanding
5.) a partner in my life who will love me and treat me with kindness and respect who
6.) to share the things that helped me as I made my healing journey

I can love and respect, someone who would truly enrich my life

The final part of this I’m clueless about. I have no idea who to tag since it seems that everyone I know has already been tagged. Perhaps...

1) Gypsy Heart
2) Lynn
3) Alex Marlin
4) Rebecca
5) Casey
6) anyone reading this who hasn’t already done the meme and would like to do so

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Confessions of a Dental Coward

2008-01-16T09:27:00.001-08:00

I had an...interesting...weekend. A back tooth broke on Friday night and it turned out my dentist’s office was closed until Monday. Coward that I am, that gave me 2 days to worry (all right, let’s be honest, panic...) about what it would mean when I did go in. Add to that some difficult personal issues to deal with and...well...let’s just say it wasn’t the best of weekends.

Monday morning I called my dentist’s office bright and early. They told me to come right in and sure enough they told me I would need a crown—my first. I did what any self-respecting coward would—I told the dentist that previous dentists had had trouble numbing my teeth and that I was just warning him that I was a terrible coward when it came to dental work. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t pooh, pooh my concerns. He quite seriously assured me that he would make sure the tooth was numb, would stop at any moment if I was in pain, and that it would be okay.

He was as good as his word. Mind you, I’m not thrilled at how much dental work costs. I’m not thrilled I needed the dental work at all. Of course it helped that I did deep, calming breathing as I waited and soothing images while he worked but....still. I am profoundly grateful he listened and was so respectful of my concerns. And that’s why I’m sharing this story.

Lots of people are cowards when it comes to dental work. For survivors of abuse, there’s something more at work, though I’ve never been able to properly explain—even to myself—what that is. I do know that I’ve had times in my life when it was impossible to get myself to go to the dentist at all.

I tell this story because I think it’s important. I think we’re often afraid to tell people we’re scared. It feels like it makes us too vulnerable. And I’m not suggesting telling everyone we meet what our vulnerabilities might be! What I am suggesting is that we are not always powerless. We can tell doctors and dentists if we feel scared. If they are not respectful about how hard the experience is for us, we can look for other doctors and dentists.

In my life, I have been impressed with how often people have reacted with kindness and understanding when I have shared a vulnerability. I hope it gives hope and encouragement to others to know this because we all have to deal with doctors and dentists—at least sometimes.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

No Words

2008-01-10T08:53:00.000-08:00

It’s been a while since I posted. For the last few days the words just weren’t there—which is a strange and scary feeling for a writer!

Part of it is that my online writing class started (the one I’m teaching) and there were some glitches that took a lot of energy and email and even some phone calls to straighten out. I also found that I needed to revise my planned lessons as I got a feel for the composition of the group.

Part of it is also that I find myself in a time of growth and that in itself can be tiring. Not a bad thing, just means I need more rest as I process this new sense of self.

I remember when I first was working with the counselor who I believe saved my life—both literally and figuratively. I must have indicated I wanted all this “stuff” over with in a short period of time because he commented that I was on a lifelong journey of growth. I have to say that really freaked me out. No way did I want to feel like THAT forever!

Now, in retrospect, I can see that a) he was right and b) it isn’t scary, it’s exciting. (Even at the time I was pretty sure that if he said it, it was true—I just didn’t want to believe it!)

Now I see that this lifelong journey is a good thing. I DON’T feel awful, the way I did at that stage of growth. Now I smile as I realize I’m going through a growing phase. I look forward with anticipation to the new good things it will bring into my life. It’s just a bit tiring, too, and I sometimes need to remind myself of that wonderful (and so true!) saying: The middle of change often looks like chaos.

I hope that each of you are finding moments of joy in the midst of your journeys of growth. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Pragmatic Optimism

2008-01-05T07:18:00.000-08:00

I’m a pragmatist. My training and degrees are in mathematics. Bottom line for me is: Does this work?

I spent much of my life a pessimist—sure life sucked and always would for me. And it did. I worked on healing and was in intense pain while I did so. Life was scary and I hated myself and my relationships were not healthy.

It’s only in retrospect that I realized there was a whole other—and far easier and better—way to do things. That’s when I deliberately became an optimist. Now the healing that hadn’t been working started to work. Now my life began getting better. Now I found myself—finally!—moving forward. I actually began making real, concrete changes in my life that worked. I actually stopped being afraid. My life actually got good.

So I’m trying to look back and take apart what happened and describe it here.

1) I realized that I couldn’t force myself to do anything. I didn’t work that way. I had to WANT to do it and believe that I could. Which meant I needed to....

2) Work on believing in myself. That’s when I began making lists of successes in my life and what I was good at. Reasons to believe I could and would succeed. Which meant...

3) When there was something I needed to face or a change I needed to make, I looked at possible ways to do it and asked myself: Which step uses my strengths and talents? Which one feels like something I can do? That doesn’t mean the step was easy or fun, it means I chose the one that was EASIEST of possibly a bunch of difficult steps. And to motivate myself...

4) I knew that browbeating myself didn’t work. What would? Creating some kind of reward for myself each time I did something difficult. Example: When I went to see my therapist, on the way home—EVERY TIME—I would do something that made me smile—no matter how crappy I felt. I did that because otherwise I would never have kept going. Therapy was just too damn scary and hard if I didn’t build in some kind of reward. (And oh, yeah, as I’d get to the office, before I walked in, I’d take a deep breath and go over my list of reasons to believe I could succeed.) Even that wouldn’t have been enough if I didn’t.....

5) Visualize. I would imagine succeeding. I would imagine being free of the pain. I would imagine believing in myself. I would imagine standing up to the things that scared me. I would imagine being happy. And that helped give me the courage to go on. The funny thing is....

6) The more I did this—choosing to be an optimist, choosing to believe I could succeed, choosing to build in rewards—the easier things did get and the more progress I made. I actually began to be happy. First in short moments, then in minutes, hours, and finally days. Now, when faced with anything I don’t want to do I....

7) Imagine succeeding. Break it down into steps and ask myself which I can picture myself doing with the least resistance. Figure out how to make it fun OR how to build in some kind of reward. I focus on the good that could come out of the situation—no matter how awful it seems in that moment. And I do that because....

8) I’m a pragmatist. Of all the things I’ve tried, optimism is the only thing that ever worked. And I’ve faced awful things in my life. So terrible that I sometimes feel like: How can I be me when this happened to me? But I am. Because looking back, even in the depths of my pessimism, there was a part of me just too blasted stubborn to give up. There was a part of me determined to find a way to succeed—if only so I could thumb my nose at those who told me I never would.

The process of recovering from abuse will never be easy. I knew that early on. But I decided one day that just because other people had hurt me it didn’t mean I had to keep hurting myself. I decided that I didn’t give a damn what other people thought I should do or changes they thought I should make. I was going to heal MY way—which meant finding the least painful route through the process. I was going to believe I was going to be able to heal—no matter what anyone else believed, therapist or not. I was going to build rewards into every darned painful step of the way—so that I wouldn’t be tempted to stop because THAT would have been easier in the short run. I decided to focus on where I wanted to be with my life so that short term temporary satisfaction wouldn’t tempt me to give up on the steps I needed to take to get to where I wanted to be.

I couldn’t have made it, wouldn’t have made it without cold-bloodedly choosing to be an optimist. I’d have ended up dead—by my own hand. I say that bluntly with absolute certainty. What saved me was each time refusing to think of how and instead making lists of reasons not to. I look back and know how close I came—over and over and over again.

I’d still be stuck in the middle of the nightmare of what was once my life if I hadn’t found a way to build rewards into the process of growing and healing. I wouldn’t be where I am—happy NOW—if I hadn’t made a deliberate decision to find someway, no matter how hard it was, to find a reason to laugh at least 3 times a day, every day, no matter what was happening—and the worse the day, the more important it was to do this.

I hope this clarifies somewhat the things I was trying to say in my last couple of posts.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Changes the Easy Way

2008-01-04T12:09:00.000-08:00

Karma asked a good question that made me realize my last post was incomplete. I said we did best when we chose the path that was easiest. I left out one very important aspect to that advice!

Step 1: Decide changes we’d like to make in our lives.

Step 2: Look at possible steps to take that would help us move closer to where we want to be with those changes.

Step 3: Of the possible steps, choose the one that feels easiest, that feels like it might even be fun, the one that feels like something we can do.

Step 4: Take the action(s) we chose in Step 3.

It’s natural to want to be safe if there was ever a time in our lives when we really, really weren’t safe. We may find that it’s at the top of our list of priorities! And it is something very wonderful and something to be profoundly grateful for when we achieve it.

The challenge is that safety is often in direct conflict (or feels as if it is) with other goals we have. So the trick is to find a way to move forward that doesn’t require giving up safety all at once as we reach for our other goals.

One can’t be laughing and happy and having fun and be scared at the same time. That’s one reason finding steps toward our goals that incorporate fun can let us bring safety along even as we move in the direction we want to take. And as we succeed with those first steps, we are likely to feel stronger and more self-confident and taking the next few steps may feel like something we can do—even if they didn’t before.

If we are passionate about what we are doing, odds are that things which would otherwise scare us don’t—because we’re so focused on what we want to accomplish.

If we like the people we’re with when we’re doing something, it makes it easier to do new things—knowing they will support us. (If they won’t and what we want to do is important to us, it may be time to look for new friends!)

What I’m saying is that I know the desire to be safe. It’s one of my top priorities—even if I sometimes wish I could move it lower down on the list. The good news is that from my own experience I know there are ways to achieve those other goals without giving up safety. Not by attacking them head on doing the scariest thing first—at least not for me. That wouldn’t work—not for me. But by finding a path that is increasingly fun and involves something I care passionately about, it’s as if I bring my safety with me and I can move forward in ways I might once have thought were impossible.

Wishing for each of you paths of joy that lead you forward into the lives you want to have. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),

April_optimist

Christmas to New Year's Day

2007-12-31T11:46:00.000-08:00

The week between Christmas and New Year’s Day is always a time of quiet and reflection for me. The shopping and baking and decorating are all done and I can relax and enjoy what feels like a moment suspended in time.

I like to look back. Once upon a time, it was looking back in frustration and anger at myself that I hadn’t done things I thought I should have gotten done. These days, I look back remembering the moments of joy, celebrating how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown—and the possibilities ahead of me.

These days I’m at peace knowing that if I listen to my heart and that intangible SOMETHING that seems to guide me, then I know all will be well. I’m at peace, able to know from (hard won) experience that no matter what things look like in a given moment, something good can come of it—and is most likely to do so if I cherish who I am and believe in myself and just relax into whatever the challenge may be.

I know that sounds odd. We’re taught—most of us—that things are supposed to be difficult, we’re supposed to strain ourselves to achieve success, and that if we don’t chastise ourselves for every perceived failing, we’ll never get anywhere! (And if you read here, you may well have also been taught that YOU couldn’t possibly do it anyway!)

What I have discovered is that the opposite is true. I’ve discovered—and thank God I have!—that the path that feels easiest, the one we’re most drawn to, is likely to be the best. When we are happiest and most relaxed is when we are most likely to be able to think of things that will actually work! When we believe in ourselves, accept who we are and work with our natural strengths and accept and allow for the weaknesses as part of who we are, that’s when we are most likely to succeed.

Note: When I say take the easiest path, I do NOT mean doing nothing! That may seem like the easiest path but in the long run costs us the most. Instead, I mean asking ourselves: If I took a step, an action, made a choice, what would be the easiest and feel the most natural and right for ME? Never mind what anyone else would do or what would be right for them—what’s right for ME?

As you look back, what are the moments from this past year that make you smile? How can you create more of those experiences in your life in the coming year?

When you look ahead, what are the possibilities that make you smile? Hold those images as vividly as you can in your mind for that’s what will motivate you to take the steps to make it happen.

All of you are a blessing in my life. One of the things that makes ME smile is the possibility that maybe, just maybe someone’s life will be easier or happier or the person will believe in him or herself just a little more because of something I’ve written.

I hope the year ahead brings all of you so very much health, happiness, and success at whatever you want most! Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

Christmas--Both Merry and Otherwise

2007-12-25T11:28:00.000-08:00

Christmas is a complicated time for many. It is for me. My father died on Christmas Eve. Given the intensity of my feelings—both positive and negative—that cannot help but impact how I feel at this time of year.

The funny thing is that I always forget. I wake up on Christmas Eve depressed and grouchy and at first I always wonder why. Then I remember. And realize how it’s affected me for days.

Once I remember, I can make my peace with it. I light candles. I let myself remember the love. I remind myself I have overcome the effects of the damage he did. I let him go with love, honoring what he gave me that was good and wishing he had not been such a damaged, hurting soul himself. I bless his spirit and pray for its healing even as I blow out the candle I lit for him.

And then I go on with Christmas.

This year, I had a quiet Christmas with my daughter and then put her on a plane to see her friends. We are closer now than I would once have believed possible.

Christmas used to be difficult. I would feel as if I was walking on eggshells, sure I would forget something essential, or that a fight would erupt in my home. Then one day I realized I could create new traditions, that I didn’t have to do what everyone—or even anyone—else did. I could choose what was right for me. I could let it be imperfect and know that was still okay. I could take time to remember good moments of the past year and smile. I could count my blessings instead of my fears or sense of lack. I could send ecards (thank heavens for the internet!) to people who were important to me to whom I hadn’t sent physical cards. I could take time for moments that made ME happy—no matter what my family was clamoring for me to do.

I hope that today—and every day—brings you at least moments of peace and joy. And I hope that the year ahead brings all of us health, happiness, and much success.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist